Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#50 - Nervous System Regulation vs. Processing: Finding the Balance
The nervous system revolution has swept through wellness spaces, with "regulation" becoming the ultimate goal. But have we swung too far in one direction? In this thought-provoking episode, we pull back the curtain on what happens when regulation becomes avoidance.
Emotional regulation has its place - returning to your window of tolerance is crucial for functioning. But when regulation becomes your only tool, you might be missing the crucial healing that comes from actually processing your emotions. That sock on the floor that sends you into rage? Constantly regulating without processing means you'll be triggered by socks forever.
Your body speaks a language all its own. The persistent headaches, the back pain that won't quit, the fatigue that no amount of sleep fixes - these aren't random occurrences. They're your body's increasingly desperate attempts to get you to listen to what you've been suppressing. The body indeed keeps the score, and it will get progressively louder until you pay attention.
We explore practical approaches to creating safety - both within yourself and your environment - so you can begin processing emotions effectively. From checking in with your body to setting boundaries in relationships, these tools help create the container needed for real emotional work. And importantly, we discuss giving yourself permission to process at your own pace, recognising when you've reached your limit, and honoring that boundary.
Processing doesn't mean you need to feel everything at once. It doesn't mean you should have emotional conversations when you're already dysregulated. It's about finding the balance - knowing when to regulate and when to process - while remembering that healing isn't linear. Some days you'll have time and space for emotional work; other days you'll barely have time to breathe. That's not failure - that's being human.
Ready to transform your relationship with your emotions? This episode might just change how you approach your nervous system. Share your thoughts with us in our DMs - we'd love to hear how this resonates with you.
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Expression of interest
Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them a Mic? We're your hosts, steph and Lorinda.
Speaker 2:Warning getting triggered is not only accepted, but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life. No top level BS here.
Speaker 1:Where real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it. We dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 2:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together.
Speaker 1:Hello, hello and welcome to another episode, and today we're going to talk about the nervous system, which is something that we've spoken about in many, many episodes, and I think it's really cool to come back to episodes and see different perspectives of things. And this is coming from the perspective of us as coaches, with our own clients and what we've been, I guess, sharing with them over the last few weeks, as well as like what we're seeing on social media, and also this is a podcast where we're allowed to have our opinion. So that's what we're going to do, but today's perspective of it is like nervous system regulation versus processing, and the nervous system regulation is like such a buzzword right now in, like social media. Like regulate your nervous system and be cool, calm and collected and don't have a fight with your partner if you're dysregulated. And yeah, I think there's degrees of that where you should really notice when you're so far dysregulated that you actually can't have these conversations. But then the more you're regulating, the more you're kind of like not able to actually process what you're feeling. So like regulating is like being able to come back into your window of tolerance. So, like you want to think about upwards. Upwards is fight and flight and downwards is freeze, and then obviously you have the learn responsive form. Now to come back into regulating. You come back into that middle section, that window of tolerance. This is where you're grounded, this is where your heart rate's not moving super, super fast Like this is where you feel good, this is like optimal performance.
Speaker 1:But if you're constantly going into one of the responses all of the time and then trying to get back into your window means that you'll end up bypassing a lot of feelings that are happening. So if you're having a big emotional thing, like what was an example that I had the other day, I had a big emotional reaction because my house was a mess and it was a mess because if I don't clean it doesn't get done, and so like I had this big emotional reaction and I was like I just got to regulate, I just got to regulate, got to, just got to regulate, got to regulate. But the thing is I'm constantly reacting and dysregulating because I don't feel seen, I don't feel heard, I don't feel appreciated. But if I could sit in that fight response just for that little bit longer and actually listen to what my body is saying and actually feel that anger in a way that's safe. So like, walk away.
Speaker 1:If I constantly try and regulate, I'm now suppressing my emotion, and I understand that there's sometimes where we do actually have to regulate because it's not the time and the place. But if I was to constantly do that, therefore I'm not actually processing. So it's going to come up and up and up and up and up again and then I'm just going to be in this beautiful cycle where I'm always going to react if I see a sock on the floor. So processing is when you're in the emotion and you're actually experiencing the emotion. And I'm sure, steph, you've had many sock-related incidents as well, so many. We love a good sock on the floor, yeah, but that is something that, like, I feel like for me, when a client comes in, we end up doing a lot of nervous system regulation right, and it's good to have those tools because if you're coming into a coaching container, you tend to be dysregulated before you come in, or you have been for a long time, or maybe you've been stuck in that functional freeze.
Speaker 1:So it is coming back to that window of tolerance, so you do have that safety to be able to titrate between them. But the reason that we're talking about it is because such it's such a buzzword right now that everyone is regulating their nervous systems and then we're coming back into the functional freeze, because they think that they're regularly. They think they're cool, come and collect. But cool come and collect can also look like freeze state.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%, 100%. And I also just want to like circle back to something that you said just before, where if you're regulating in your situation where you weren't feeling seen right, if you bypass you completely miss that piece. You miss the trigger why you're even in fight or flight in the first place. So by consistently being triggered by the same thing and then regulating out of it, you are missing the opportunity to go into the trigger to consider why it's there, to look at any type of healing or reframing or mindset shifts or anything with that. So the idea of processing rather than regulating in the correct time and space is that that trigger will be neutralized.
Speaker 2:Will it still piss you off sometimes? Yes, you will still have moments where you are feeling unseen and unheard, maybe in a situation where you're not used to feeling unseen and unheard and you don't quite clock it immediately and it takes a few goes before you're like oh, I thought I dealt with that, but you're back again in a different, you're back in different clothes. That's really nice. I'm stoked about you're wearing a wig, yeah, um, like I don't.
Speaker 2:The way that I kind of describe wounds to my clients is with working through them and, you know, really looking at them, seeing them, sitting in them, et cetera, et cetera. You will go from having this big, gaping, open, infected wound. That is like spewing white blood cells into your blood Wow, I'm not a doctor, clearly, but it's spewing it all through your body and it's just everywhere and it's affecting everything and it's just like this nasty ass sore that just hurts all the time. It turns into a scar. So will it still pull sometimes? Yeah, is it still there? Yeah, you will remember it like you're never, ever going to forget that wound.
Speaker 2:But it's not like incapacitating anymore. It's just there and sometimes it sometimes it hurts a little bit, like Like I mean I've got a C-section scar. I had two C-sections. Sometimes I will touch that and it's a little bit achy. It's been over six years since I had my last C-section but that scar is still there and that's going to remind me. You know, depending on how you got that particular scar, it's going to remind me not to put myself in that situation again.
Speaker 1:That's such a bad such me not to put myself in that situation again. That's such a bad, such a bad analogy. But you know what I'm trying to say. Yeah, it's so interesting as well because, like you say wound and then you say scar, and my brain is like, oh, it's like a reminder, it's like there is a gift to having these things right. Like, yeah, I don't think I've spoken about it before, but I have this wonderful abandonment wound and like just kind of gets like pulled on sometimes. But what is the gift of that? What is that abandonment wound actually taught me throughout my life? One leave with fucking kindness, because I know how it feels to be left right and try and include people. Like is there a downside of these wounds? Yeah, like I then latch on to people. I have more of an anxious attachment, like I literally am like able to look 10 steps ahead and go this is where they could leave me right but there's always like the other side of like.
Speaker 1:I know how it feels, yeah, and it's the same with emotions, though, because I feel, like in the industry, it's kind of like, oh, we've somehow come back to this of like, don't feel, like feel. They want you to feel and do all the embodiment, and it's amazing. Like you know, embodiment is the key, but make sure you do it this way, right, make sure that you're cool, calm and collected. Make sure that when you have a fight with your partner, you're responding and not reacting room. When you're picking up your kids, make sure that you're regulated.
Speaker 1:Make sure you're like this and somehow we've come back to the suppression of emotions which, like, if you look at women and like actually being able to express, we're now allowed to express, but we're in a box and you can express, but you need to be able to come back to regulation straight away. You need to show up for your kids, you need to show up for your partner, you need to show up for your business. So therefore, yeah, okay, but I am expressing, I am embodying, I am doing these things, but I'm in the box, yeah oh, that's uncomfortable, isn't it yeah, and I love that, like we're learning more about nervous system regulation.
Speaker 1:But it is now becoming like oh, but I just need to go and regulate. Okay, can you watch the kid for five minutes. I'm gonna go regulate and then you're sitting there and you're actually numbed out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, 100 this has come up for me with clients especially. It's something I've really been noticing of late, where people are using regulation tools when they should be using processing tools. So perhaps, yeah, they have just had a fight with their partner or their kid has just been a child all day and it's a lot, and they're all like, oh my god, I'm about to fucking lose it because this kid is screaming in my face and telling me that I'm not coming to their birthday party and they hate me and asking for something. Can I? If I don't get it that second, then they're screaming at me and it's like I should just be like cool, calm and collected. I just need to take some deep breaths. And it's like dude, someone is screaming in your fucking face. That is actually allowed to trigger your fight or flight. That's, it's what it's designed for, like it is actually designed to send us messages and when someone's screaming in your face, is it appropriate to scream back at them? No, but is it allowed to trigger you? Yes, it is. So if you are sitting there trying to deep breathe that away and then going oh, thank fuck, they've stopped, I'm okay now. I'm okay. I just need to take some deep breath. No, fuck, they've stopped. I'm okay now I'm okay. I just need to take some deep breath. No, if the child is distracted for five minutes and you have the space to go and move that emotion out of your body in a safe way, that is not again.
Speaker 2:I say to my kids and to my clients and tell them to tell their kids as well. Like this is the thing. What we're trying to teach our children is to express their emotions in a way that is not going to hurt anybody. And when we suppress and we try and deep breathe through intense rage or we try to eat away our sadness or whatever, it's going to come out in a way that you cannot control it. You cannot control it. It's going to come out in saying to your partner yeah well, I fucking hate the way that you do X, y, z. You are going to try and hurt that person because your fight or flight is triggered, because you're never processing your emotions, you're still not learning what they feel like in your body and how to let them out in a controlled way. And sometimes, even if you are like the most controlled person in the world, sometimes they're going to come out like that Nobody's perfect.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think when you were talking about that something, that years ago, like Matt and I had this, this disagreement, because I'm like the more emotional one and he makes decisions from logic and I make decisions from emotions, I mean that you know, in a way, that's like I'm not going to actually put myself through something that I know is going to make me sad just for the fact that, like, if we go into business, right, I'm not going to go launch this program just to make me money, but it's going to drain me.
Speaker 1:But logic would be like you need to make more money right now. This is what you probably need to do, but I'm like I will, like I'm a person, especially in this coaching, where you have to show up as you, and if I'm showing up as a version of me that doesn't really exist or I'm like sad or emotional, people are going to feel that. So I'm like okay, well, where are you then? Regulating and trying to be calm and bypassing the feeling you're actually putting yourself in the self-fulfilling prophecy, because you're like well, I'm constantly dysregulated, because I'm making decisions from logic and from this regulated, I'm using air quotes place, but it's actually the thing that's triggering me yeah, because you're now not listening to your body like our nervous system is like our internal compass, if you're not not listening to your body, like our nervous system is like our internal compass.
Speaker 1:If you're not actually listening to it, it's going to get triggered. And I said this to a client of mine the other day the more that you try and ignore that your nervous system and actually not feel the feels, the louder your body will get. This looks like sickness. This looks like sickness. This looks like burnout. This looks like oh, my back's really hurting. Oh, my period this month is more painful. Oh, I just can't seem to get rid of this headache, no matter how much I drink water, because we all know trauma is stored in the body.
Speaker 1:And then everyone gets to this point, which is so weird to me, because everyone is regulating their nervous systems. They all get to this point, which is so weird to me, because everyone is regulating their nervous systems. They all get to the point where I'm like I have to go to the doctor, I have to go get x-rays, I have to go and get all these scans because I'm sick and I'm like okay, well, how's your stress been? Oh, I've just been trying to regulate. I've been trying to regulate for like six months now. I just I'm just, you know, I keep being disassociative and all of these things, and I'm like so what's going on?
Speaker 1:And you look underneath that and it's like I can't stop fighting with my partner. I feel like my kids fucking hate me. I don't remember the last time I had sex. I don't remember the last time I went out with the girls. Right, we're in this like thing of like, no, I'm going to do everything holistically until it's so bad. But you're not doing it holistically. You're ignoring the signs that your body's telling you, because I can tell you that twinging knee hasn't only just been twinging for a week.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So the thing about humans that we do need to remember is that we're designed to feel emotions. Like if our nervous system is a compass, our emotions are the map. We need to use both of them. So, like, if you're feeling angry, there's probably a reason for it, and is it necessarily a valid reason? So, again, I work predominantly with mums, like, if your child has been rude to you and that's triggering the hell out of you where you're getting really, really angry in that particular situation, is it valid? Probably not, because they're three Like. We need to get a little bit of a different mindset here. Like they're not trying to do that on purpose.
Speaker 2:However, the emotion is there because you did not process that from when people were rude to you 30 years ago, because you were told oh, just be nice, just be the bigger person. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all. You're. You don't have the right to be angry because what they said to you wasn't that bad. Blah, blah, blah. And these are all of the fucking words that are going through your head at that moment and those memories that are going through your head. You're not responding to your three-year-old. You are reacting to the way that your parents used to speak to you when you were six, and this is what they don't understand, right is that the body keeps the score and it will catch up.
Speaker 2:And it blows people's minds when I explain to them like it's. You're not yelling at your kids or fighting with your partner constantly because you're a bad person. You're not a bad person for being angry. It's just simply that you've never learned how to feel anger in a way that is not explosive, because that's how it was displayed to you, because our parents also didn't know this stuff. They didn't even have it available to them and they were treated worse than what a lot of we were. Wow, that was a good sentence, like. I feel like each generation kind of gets a little bit more diluted, diluted, not diluted. Um, I'm pretty delusional either either.
Speaker 2:We love a bit of dilute, but it's like what we experienced was not as bad as what they experienced In some situations. Obviously this is nuanced and what they experienced you know the whole children will be seen and not heard was way worse in the 1900s. And now obviously we're kind of. We're the first generation to have as much information as we have at our fingertips, so we know what we need to be doing, but our nervous systems are just like that.
Speaker 2:I'm still five years old. I'm still so angry and I don't know how to do it, and we think that reading scripts and deep breathing and reading a book and having the perfect combination of words is what is going to fix it. No, you need to go and feel your fucking feelings. You need to feel them in your body. You need to, like I think a lot of people walk around like heads on a stick. You're so disconnected to your body you don't even know what rage feels like, because you never allow yourself to feel it the second that it starts coming up. Because again, your system knows how it feels. Because again you look at your three-year-old when they're angry, they throw shit, they scream, they stomp their feet, they chuck water all over you. They say horrible things like they express anger in its purest form, as humans do. Right, but for us that was suppressed, so we were taught oh, as soon as that feeling starts to come up, we need to stop it, we need to squash it. We can't feel that. That's not okay.
Speaker 1:I think it's really important to speak into that right, because you just mentioned, like the kids, like throwing a tantrum and what is the one. I don't know about you, but there's one thing that people always say to me, like because they behave so differently with my partner and they always go.
Speaker 1:Oh, but they feel safe with you. There's a reason that people come into functional freeze. There's actually a reason why you're trying to regulate and not process, and that's because you don't feel safe to process. You actually do not feel safe to process these emotions and there's a few reasons for that. Because you may not feel safe because you've been shut down every time you've experienced an emotion. You might not feel safe because there've been shut down every time you've experienced an emotion. You might not feel safe because there's a trauma that's happened to your body and now you don't trust your body. You don't feel safe because maybe you're sick of only processing an emotion by yourself, and I know a lot of mums feel this like that. They know they need to process emotions, but I'm like, do I have to experience this emotion by myself now, again and again and again? And all I feel like in this motherhood journey is that I'm alone. Do I have to process this alone? And that's not always safe. I don't feel safe to process this with somebody.
Speaker 1:So obviously we're talking here that like, yes, we want you to feel the feelings, but we can actually like pull this back, and this is something that I guess we don't even think about talking about right, because we already have a lot of safety in our bodies, yeah, and so like they're gonna pull back the layer and go. Well, this is what we actually do with our clients. The first thing that steph and I do is build safety, and this looks like in our coat. I'm going to talk about coaching containers specifically, connection between us. We do and I know steph does this as well like there is a big piece of connection. We don't just jump into the container straight away and go for, like the darkest thing because that's not safe.
Speaker 1:So in in an individual case, you're not going to dive deep in straight away. If I can give you that one piece of advice, don't sit there and be like I'm gonna feel the rage that I have been feeling since I was 13 years old. That's not going to be safe. Right from there, you want to actually be connected to your body, and when we say that, it means close your eyes, that would be the first step, because if you can't keep your eyes closed, there's something here. If you don't feel safe to have your eyes closed, that would be the first practice I would do from there, going into your body and starting to notice every area of your body, starting to notice the twinges, starting to notice where it feels disconnected. When I started this, I was really disconnected to my womb, like it was like the lights were off and that could feel like thoughts. Wherever you go into that area it could feel like sensations.
Speaker 1:It could feel like feelings people experience different things, yeah, like if you feel that that's totally fine. Or other people get images as well. Like when I go into my womb space, I get a lot of images. So if you're like I don't know how to process feelings, I don't even feel good to process feelings, start with the safety first right. You need your body to feel safe to have these feelings.
Speaker 2:Step number one, yeah, yeah, 100, I would say. Probably step number two would be your environment. So that that's the next step is that you need to first build the safety in your body, but secondly the safety in your environment. And it's like do you feel safe with your partner to come out with these things? Because I know that I experienced this, and I'm sure that lorinda did as well, when we first started going into this work and we started bringing in feelings. Like you know, if we were taught to repress our feelings, men, even worse, like they copped straight out like boys don't cry, we were told to stop crying or to stop being sooks or whatever, but they were just told boys don't cry, yeah, you do not cry. Because there was such a visceral reaction when they did, especially from their fathers.
Speaker 2:Because, again, this stuff goes back many, many, many, many, many generations. It's not just ours, it wasn't just your parents, it was their parents and their parents' parents and their parents' parents' parents and all of the things. Yeah, so when I would explain how I felt, a lot of the time it was still shut down and I was like, okay, cool, so this isn't valid, I shouldn't feel this way. Okay, I just need to suck it up, and it took a really long time for me to get to the point where I had enough safety and trust within me that I could actually come back at that and be like no, how I'm feeling is valid, it's okay to feel this way and it's you know, we're still getting there. Like.
Speaker 2:The other thing I think that we need to realize with with this particular conversation is that just because you want to feel your feelings and process your feelings, that doesn't necessarily mean that the people around you do. Yeah, and you coming in and saying this is how you've made me feel and like crying or processing your anger in a healthy way could be extremely triggering to other people because they're still dealing with the. You can't do that. That's not okay to do. So we do need to remember that that just because you're ready to do that, it does not mean that your partner will be, your friends will be, your parents will be whoever is around you. So finding people or places who will allow that space and this is where coaching can be so hugely helpful, because we are that person for you yeah, like my clients come in and they start crying and they're like I'm so sorry. I'm like don't apologize to me for that ever. Like there's no, there's no apologies in here for that.
Speaker 1:You are allowed that's actually a really common thing that happens in coaching, though of like when somebody walks into a container and they just start crying and they're like I don't know what's wrong, and I'm like it's because the environment is set for, like it's for safety, and this is the thing like that, you know, you and I had a big chat about this year is like, when we open a container, it's like this place is a safe space. We have actually reworded it now to be like this place can be your safe space. It's a permission piece. I'm not going to like force that on you and be like, yeah, this is a safe space, which means that you need to feel it's like well, I can set the setting, but you need to come to the table. Yeah, and you can come to the table when you're ready, because safety doesn't happen overnight. But it's so funny.
Speaker 1:I was literally having a conversation with a client last night because I had this surrender retreat closing call and they said to me how do you know, like, how do you know when to walk away? Because, like, obviously, we talk about you know feelings with our partner and it's like not the easiest thing to do, like even still, like years later, and it's like you talk about environment and I'm like, well, first off, like, did you actually set the environment? Yeah, right, like you, you're wanting to have that person, like there's a reason. You're going to your partner, maybe about them, or it may be that you want to be held. But you need to check in with a few things.
Speaker 1:One is the environment set for that? Is their kid still running around? Probably not going to happen. Right, asking your partner if they have actually room? Right, seeing where you're both at, seeing if you're like, okay, this is like at the surface and I need to say this, otherwise I'm going to explode or like, yeah, this is coming from a little bit more of like I just really need you to hear me and like having that permission piece. Like is the environment set? Then when do I know to like walk away if I don't, if the environments change? It's like when either one of you are now trying to be mean or if you're now defending before they even finish a sentence, because you're now not processing, you're now just like reacting.
Speaker 2:Essentially, You're in fight. Yeah, if you're trying to be mean, you're in fight Like nobody from a regulated space is doing that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, trying to be mean, you're in fight like nobody from a regulated space is doing that. Yeah, and like, one of my biggest values like I'm not a relationship coach by any mean, but like relationships come up a lot with the women that I work with and one of my biggest values that changed my relationship is, if you're asking your partner for something, are you actually have the ability to give it to yourself? Do you have that ability? Because if you're not actually able to process by yourself, how can you expect somebody else to do it? So, like, if you're like, okay, I don't know if I can process for myself, or I don't feel like my partner can hold this, some of the tools that I do is I will literally sit in a room and just say exactly what I'm feeling. There's no one around, because our voice is still part of our body and sometimes we just need to express it without anyone around us shutting us down.
Speaker 1:Journaling is always a really good one. I have just started to. I mean I'm like a little resistant to it, but I have just started journaling again because I could feel that resistance and I'm like, oh, there's something here that I'm not wanting to write down again, because I could feel that resistance and I'm like, oh, there's something here that I'm not wanting to write down. Another one is putting on a playlist that maybe doesn't feel solid to you, and what I mean is like I have a few playlists that I know exactly which songs are, which I know all the words to them, but putting on a playlist that is like a little different, something that you wouldn't usually play, and notice what comes up. Because I did this at retreat, I had this playlist and they were like all moving and experiencing this joy, and I actually paused the music and I mean, and I said, and I said, don't move.
Speaker 1:And the reactions that I got was the true reactions of what they were feeling. Right, because sometimes we're like, no, you know what, like he said this one thing, but I know it means this about me and about this about me, and you know that's a wound and you kind of like self-analyze, which then fucking bypasses. But put on the music, start to move your body, start to feel and be like, yeah, I, I feel okay, and then just press pause and be like, oh shit, how do I actually feel? That's something that I do and it's a little bit different, but whatever I feel like when it comes to your partners I think we've moved this conversation to partners. When it comes to your partner, what you're asking of them are you able to give yourself and I'm not saying you always have to give it to yourself, but do you have that ability?
Speaker 2:And like also, do they have that ability Because they're their own person as well? And plot twist just because you're married, it doesn't mean or you're with them or whatever. It does not mean that they need to be your fucking therapist. Because I see this all the time right, where we just dump on the people around us, all the time, where it's like I'm going through this really tough time, like I just need to tell you about it, like Lorinda and I, whenever we are coming in with a piece that is big, that might be a little bit much, I'm pretty sure like 99% of the time, we'll be like hey, do you have the space for this? Yeah, I need to talk about something. Do you have that space to give me?
Speaker 1:I don't think that prepares you though. Yeah, like if Steph was to message me and be like do you have space for this? And I'm like, interesting, do I actually have space for this? Because a lot of the time we just say yes, but I'll be. I think that's actually one day where I was just like I'll come back to you, right? Yeah, because sometimes you and then like with your partner, if you're, if you don't actually ask that, and then you just start talking and they're like whoa, I don't know how to hold you.
Speaker 1:And then it's like the let's go vice versa, like if Steph was to come to me and then she didn't say that and then she started talking. And then I'm like, oh my God, now I fucking have to hold that. And now I'm frustrated that I have to hold that. And now that frustration is coming out because I'm like you're just dumping this really big thing on me, not even realizing that I'm holding all of this shit behind me. So now all of this shit that I've been holding is now coming to the forefront, and it's now not about Steph's feelings, it's now about my feelings, because I'm like well, hang on a second. Are you coming at me? Are you trying to add to my pile, because I need you to see how big my fucking pile is. Yeah, yeah, I need you to see that, so that you know that me holding you is really hard yeah, I just don't have the capacity right now, and that's most people are not going to say that, no, they're not.
Speaker 2:No, they're not, and that's the thing is, if you're I see this a lot right where, because I talk.
Speaker 2:I talk a lot about communication because most people are fucking shit at it.
Speaker 2:I talk a lot about you know, if you're going to have a hard conversation with your partner, with somebody else, especially if there is emotion behind that particular topic, you need to pre-frame it in a way of do you have this space, or I would like to discuss this topic that is generally a touchy subject, can we please have a conversation about it? But you also need to expect or be okay with even if they've given you permission at the start and this goes for a lot of things just because consent's been given in the beginning, that does not necessarily mean that it's going to continue throughout the entire conversation. So we need to have that space or that unspoken or spoken rule that it's like if this gets too much, we can pull out and come back to this conversation later. Yeah, like, I'm going to give you the permission that if this does get too much, if you start getting pissed off, if you start getting angry and you start getting defensive, I'm going to take that as a sign that you're starting to get dysregulated.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I totally agree. I think also, consent is and that's something that I have in my coaching as well Every permission piece that I do. Like I just ran an event on Friday and I was like, do I have your permission? And then I said, allowing you to know that this permission is actually allowed to change. Yeah, like this you don't want me to take a photo of this? Totally fine, it can change. You don't want to do this anymore? Totally fine, you can do that. And that's the same with relationships, because it's better, like it's better than pull, to pull out, um than leave it in, but sometimes it actually is, because if you tap out of a conversation and you get to walk away and then come back, if you don't tap out and you say something that you don't actually mean, you can't take it back.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and sorry sorry we's sorry, sorry, we're all getting, we're getting, we're getting really, really interrupty in this one.
Speaker 2:That's also going to then set the pretense for the next time you try and have that conversation. And I don't I can't tell you how many of my clients come to me and they're like I've tried to have this conversation a hundred times and it always goes the same way And's like yeah, well, now you're expecting it to go that way, so I'm not surprised that it goes that way. Like your nervous system and subconscious mind is going like over to this lane, because we know that that's how it goes. It's like if you want to get off at a different fucking exit, you need to do this differently and that might not be staying in the conversation until somebody says something horrendously horrible that you then bring up for the next six months. Yeah, because that's like every single time that you do that, even in a solid relationship, it is going to damage your connection. If you are saying horrible, hurtful things like that, it's going to snip away at a thread every single time and eventually your rope is going to end up fucking frayed.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah, and obviously we've just spoken into relationships for a bit, but the thing is like when I was talking about coaching and then how you can do this individually, it's the same with relationships, right, and this comes to the consent piece because that can change. So something that happens that I notice is that when you come into personal development or you come into processing your emotions, you're like, oh, I need to process this all right now, right, you're kind of like I need to process all of this and feel good in the moment, but there's a but here your nervous system will kick you out if it feels too much. This is where the shutdown happens, in coaching containers or in like processes, where it's just like your body just goes totally numb, so your body has actually like reached its limit. The other thing is if you can feel the limit coming, if giving yourself the consent to stop, right, like we've just spoken about relationships have been like actually I need to put pause on this. You are also allowed to do that with processing. I'm giving you that permission piece because I had a process uh, probably like a month ago now, and I could feel the expectation on me and this was actually in a coaching container and I was just like okay, like you know, I've met some deep shit, okay, and I was actually talking to Steph about this before.
Speaker 1:Like grief is one of those feelings that I really struggle to to hold.
Speaker 1:Like I really struggle to hold it, like I'm much better with anger now and all of that like sadness and and actually sitting in winds because that felt really horrible for a while.
Speaker 1:But like grief is the one emotion where I'm like this tapped me out really quickly and I remember being in this like coaching container and my coach was running me through it and I just remember being like I actually can't do this, like I've moved through a little bit more than I thought I would, but I was just like, but then still the expectation of like, oh, but you need to process it, because the sooner you process it, the sooner you can move on with life, which is why we regulate right sooner. The sooner I regulate, the sooner I can go and do more. But I was just like I can't do this. I feel all this grief in my body and if I know that if I continue with this, like I'm not going to be able to do the school run, I'm not going to be able to do the life and like my little brain was like fried just even thinking about moving forward.
Speaker 2:So it's like the permission piece of like you can stop yeah, sometimes it's again I think we said this at the start but you know, kind of brings us full circle, especially when we're parents. Like sometimes it's just not the right time to process again in the middle of a temper tantrum or in the middle of dinner time if somebody drops their dinner everywhere. Now's not the time to process your anger. Wait until the kids go to bed, wait until you're on your own, like one of my favorite ways, like you do the middle of the room thing.
Speaker 2:I have conversations in my car when I'm driving, because then my mind's on the road, just like feel how I feel and I will get livid and I will imagine their responses and then what I'll say back and it makes me feel really good. Then I can process all of that and then I will have the conversation with my husband or with that person that pissed me off, because it's like I've processed it, I've allowed my brain to go in a few different directions of where that conversation could go. I feel a little bit more prepared. So then when it does go that way, it's not going to instantly dysregulate me, because I like to know what's happening and that's just the way that my brain works and that is okay, yeah. So I know that about myself and I know that if I go directly into a conversation when I'm pissed off, I will end up saying something mean, I know I will go for the, I'll go for the jugular, and it's like, yeah, you know, like, and my husband's much the same, he's, he. The worst thing is is that he knows where to go, like he's, he's, he's a master of it, and my six-year-old is the same.
Speaker 2:Um, but like, yeah, I've had to now, like I, I've gotten better at noticing those thoughts coming up and being like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, walk away from it. Like you get better at noticing it earlier and earlier and earlier, and sometimes the dam will break and you will say the thing, or you will continue the conversation when you know you really shouldn't, because maybe your partner's FIFO and maybe they're about to go back to work and you're like we need to get this squared away right now. Or maybe they're about to go on holidays and you're like I need to fucking get this out of my body now. Or maybe they're you know they're about to go to school, or like, whatever the situation is and your mind is telling you this has to get sorted out right now. So I just have to push through. We just have to get this over with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're also human, shit happens.
Speaker 1:Yeah man, yeah man like punk and even I also I also think there's like this really cool thing that I just like thought about just then as well, of like you're talking about how you're in the car and you're like processing, even having these conversations with our partner, like even before we got onto this episode I don't know if you could notice the tonality of my fucking voice, but like Steph and I have been really busy at the moment, so like the only time we get together is during these podcast episodes and like we have a quick yarn before. But then Steph was like oh, let me just peer into your brain and see what's happening. You started that and she just kept going. But no, but it's like the like there was permission there, everybody, it's fine. I would have told her to actually fuck off if I thought differently. But the thing is with processing and talking to your partner and like you can process and process and process and be like yeah, okay, I can see where all this is coming from.
Speaker 1:Then you get into a conversation with somebody else a partner, a friend, or you lean on somebody for support and you're like oh, I didn't see that. Yeah. Or you're like, oh, I kind of saw it, but I didn't realize how much that was playing out, because the best thing about processing with somebody and this is not our selling into coaching, but also a little bit, a little bit but it's also about collaborating with other people I was like you don't actually have to do the healing stuff by yourself, like go into other rooms, go into places, go and be with people, because what you think might be playing out might not necessarily be what it is. And if you're constantly regulated and being like, yeah, it's just childhood when I was six, you're then missing the other wound from when you were like a.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's actually coming up and like manifesting its way into your life and you're like but I'm regulated, I'm doing this thing from my six-year-old self and I'm like what about your eight-year-old self? Yeah, what about yourself from six months ago? That was just like wow, that actually really hurt my feelings. What about the person that may have just passed away? Like so, by openly processing, I think it's like allowing yourself to have the space to to be you and to honor what's happening in your body yeah, like we love self-awareness, like we love mindset work, we love talk therapy.
Speaker 2:We've spoken about this before. But sometimes you get to a point where you are so self-aware that you are sitting there logicking away all of your things. And if you're trying, if you're a very logical person like I'm a very logical person and Lorinda is a very emotional person it's weird how opposites attract sometimes. But, like I can sit there until the cows come home. Like my clients come to me and they're like this is what's happening in my life. This person is doing this. And I'm like, huh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, oh my god, it's like you're staring into my brain. I'm like, yeah, I don't know how, but I just managed to make these connections really easily and I can do the same thing in my own life.
Speaker 2:Like my husband will come to me and say you've really pissed me off with this. I'm like do you think that maybe you're projecting xyz, don't fight with you. Hey, honestly, I'm an asshole. But. And he's just like no, steph, like I'm pissed and I'm like, yeah, but do you think it'd be good because of this? Oh, steph, he does the same thing to me.
Speaker 2:Look it's, we're working on it, we're working on it, but it's like if you're logicking, if you're logicking over here and you're regulating over here, and there's no, like it's like a triangle. You need the self-awareness you do, because it's really helpful to understand why you are doing the thing. I think that, like that really scratches an itch in my brain. When I understand why, the why behind the pattern, like yeah, okay, cool, I understand. Like I'm not just a shitty person, I'm doing this for a reason, like I'm doing this because of this wound or because of this psychological thing or whatever. And then you've got your regulation, which is your nervous system, but then you also need to be feeling your feelings, and that was something I was really really, really, really bad at, really awful at, and that's why I was constantly losing my shit all the time, because I didn't ever feel my feelings, because I didn't know how.
Speaker 2:And now it's like I've gotten much better at it and I still got work to do there. 100%, I've still got work to do there. So please do not ever listen to these episodes. Like we are gurus on pedestals and we think that we're better than you. We are absolutely still running our own races.
Speaker 1:You should have seen me sunday, monday I was cool come and collected yeah, she wasn't, she was voicemailing me furiously.
Speaker 2:Um, like, even just this week I've been so out of routine, like my husband's away at the moment it's the end of school holidays like we've just got a lot going on.
Speaker 2:I've been a fucking bitch because I just don't have the space. And this is the thing right, and this is I think that this is another such an important thing, because I have clients come to me about this as well where they'll say to me you know, like I'm experiencing this and I yelled at the kids and I just feel so awful about it but this, this, this, this, this, this and this and this and this and this and this, and like all of the things are going on. And I'm like, okay, so you actually genuinely don't have the space here. Like, sometimes I have time every single day to go out and sit on my grass and feel into my feelings and, you know, hang out with the dogs and just do things that make me feel good, and go to Pilates every day and go for runs and be alone with my thoughts and feel my feelings and process and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then some weeks, like this week, I've barely had time to scratch my ass and it comes, it shows, it does show, and that's okay. Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's okay. You're allowed to have those days. You are human. You are probably a parent. If you're listening to this, most of our listeners are. I believe Some people aren't. But, like you know, even if you're not, you've got things going on and life happens. Yeah, it's not all beer and Skittles, it's not all rainbows and fucking butterflies.
Speaker 1:You have things going on in your life and you are not always going to be temperate, nor should you be, yeah. So I think the main thing of today is like discerning when it's the time to regulate and when it's the time to process. If you generally don't have that space, then it may just be a regulation. Yeah, If you are constantly getting dysregulated, it might be time to take space to process. There is really like I really wish I could be like and this is how you do this and this is how you do this and this is how you do this and I would do this.
Speaker 1:But the thing is there is no checklist, there is no step-by-step, because our body doesn't work that way. Healing is not linear and we are also not linear beings. We have cycles. We have so many different things in our life and different seasons. Sometimes you are just in a winter season shit's hard. This is where your death is. But you also have to remember that, like, with winter, then comes spring, and so your winter might be the time to just lean into the death and process, so like yeah, I guess the big takeaway is just like actually, what do you need?
Speaker 2:what do you need? And also, regulation doesn't mean that you are cool, calm and collected all the time. It means that sometimes you will be, sometimes you'll be furious, sometimes you'll be happy. You are still going to go. We are cyclical creatures and we are still going to act as such, no matter how good you are at regulating. Yeah.
Speaker 2:As always, we hope you have enjoyed listening to us. Yap, we absolutely like. The fact that we get to do this every week is just so fun for me. But if you have enjoyed this episode, if you've taken something away from it, if you've learned something, we would love for you to drop into our dms. Let us know. Share it with a friend, share it on your socials. Our goal for this podcast is to reach as many ears as we possibly can so that people can learn all about themselves, because that's really something that everybody should know. But thank you so much for listening and we will see you next time. Thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 1:We've absolutely loved being here with you today, and if you have enjoyed today's episode as much as we have enjoyed recording it, please leave a review or drop into our DMs. We would love to hear from you.