Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#54 - You're Not Broken, You're Human: Why Personal Development Never Ends
That moment when you're years into your healing journey and suddenly realize you're still a hot mess? We've all been there, and it's actually a sign you're doing the work right.
In this raw conversation, we dive into the uncomfortable truth about personal development—it's not a linear path to becoming "fixed" but rather a lifelong journey of acknowledging, accepting, and integrating our shadows. We explore how the deeper you go, the more sophisticated your defensive mechanisms become, and how the spiritual ego loves to whisper that you should be "beyond" certain struggles by now.
Using the metaphor of wounds transforming from infected gashes to eventual scars, we discuss why healing doesn't mean erasing your past but changing your relationship with it. Those scars serve a purpose—they're reminders of where you've been and what you've survived. They might occasionally become tender again under specific circumstances, but that doesn't mean you've failed at healing.
We distinguish between mere awareness of patterns (which many mistake for healing) and the deeper work of genuine acceptance. Without acceptance, we remain stuck in cycles of self-sabotage while convincingly explaining why we do what we do. True healing requires sitting in discomfort long enough to build resilience, rather than rushing through processes to avoid feeling.
Perhaps most importantly, we challenge the damaging notion that coaches, parents, or leaders need to have everything figured out. The most unsafe people are those who pretend to have no mess, no shadows, no wounds. Your humanity isn't something to overcome—it's the very thing that makes you relatable, authentic, and safe for others navigating their own messy journeys.
Ready to release the pressure of perfection and embrace the beautiful mess of being human? Listen now, and remember: we're aiming for progress, not perfection.
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Expression of interest
Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them a Mic. We're your hosts, steph and Lorinda.
Speaker 2:Warning getting triggered is not only accepted, but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life. No top level.
Speaker 1:BS here, where real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 2:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together.
Speaker 3:Welcome back to another episode. Sorry, I was like half talking actually pressed record. But welcome back to another episode of unhinged and unfiltered. I feel like it was a very unhinged moment. Um, today we're actually gonna do a bit of a chat of like you've been in your healing journey for x amount of years and you've just realized that you're a hot mess. Essentially, yeah, because something that we, I guess, as individuals, have been journeying on is, like we've been doing personal development for quite some time now and constantly, like stumble across things that, like make us nearly shit our pants. We're like fuck, like, why am I doing this? Like, why am I still in this pattern? Why has this shadow come back up? And then it's like the fear of like oh, but I'm a coach, I'm a mom, I'm I'm meant to have my shit together, like that narrative of like I have to be all put together, because why could I be coaching somebody if I don't have my shit together?
Speaker 2:yeah, that has come up many, many times for me, and it's like you don't actually have to have your shit together I think it's a really damaging perspective, to have to be honest, because when people come off like they're at the end of their healing journey and they're, you know, above everybody else, etc, etc and so forth, then it can make you feel really it's kind of it's not shamey shamey is not the word I'm looking for, but it's just. It makes you feel like there is an end and there's not, like you're always going to be uncovering things. And the thing is right is that you might have these really big, deep, gnarly, gnarly wounds that your subconscious has pushed to the side and been like do not fucking touch that. That's there for a reason, just ignore it, it's not there. And you start putting a bunch of shit.
Speaker 2:It's like putting a box right in the back of your attic or in the back of your storeroom, right, and you know it's there, but eventually it kind of gets covered with other shit. You've got a few bikes in there, you've got 20 other boxes, you know you've got all this other shit covering it, so you kind of almost forget it's there. Every now and again something might come up and kind of poke it and you're like oh yeah, I remember that box is back there. But when we start clearing out that storeroom and we start pulling all of those other boxes and the bikes and all of the dust and the spiders and all the bullshit, eventually you're going to come across that box again and go, fuck, there's nothing else in here.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah. I also think like as you grow, those wounds will like resurface because they've been touched on a different way. Like for me this year. It's like that proving piece, Like I have to prove my worth by like giving and giving and giving. But for a little while there, I didn't have to do that because I'm like this is not the thing.
Speaker 3:But then it came up again because my relationship is very secure, like we're. We're a secure attachment, like it. I know the man's not going anywhere, but there's a part of me that's like oh, I'm not used to this security. So then that wound comes back up because we're like okay, well, my nervous system doesn't feel like fully settled right now, because this is new. Like I'm trying to rewire this. I'm normally in relationships that are chaotic as fuck, but now that wound is coming back with like I have to prove that I'm okay to be in a secure relationship. So it's like you can clear these wounds over and over and over again, but there's going to be something, that's a situation that's unfamiliar for you and that's going to resurface yeah, 100.
Speaker 2:And you'll sit there going like what is this, what is this, what is this? And then you'll find it and you're like fucking hell, I've cleared you out already. What are you doing back here again. But it's like the way I explain it to my clients is they're like so when you haven't healed it, it's like this gnarly open wound, like you've just sliced your leg open with a rusty blade and it's all infected and it's foul and it hurts every single time that you take a step, even when you're not taking steps. It just hurts all the time and it's really starting to impact your quality of life because it's just there all the time. It's chronic pain. Then you start to heal it and it gets. You're like it's still a sore, but it's not infected anymore. You can walk on it. It hurts a little bit here and there. You know if you're in certain situations, maybe if you're running or if you're trying to exercise, or you know if you're getting down on the floor with your kids or whatever. But it's not as bad, it's manageable. And then eventually it fades to a scar.
Speaker 2:But that scar is always there. It will always be there as a reminder and you can always split that scar. It can open back up again and get infected if you get hit in the same spot again or whatever. So it's it's never going to go away, nor would we want it to. Because it's there for a reason. It's there because you have been hurt badly in the past by this situation, by the knife. That's why the scar is there and it's reminding you to be careful of knives. We just go with the analogy AKA you know, if you've been really badly hurt in a relationship, that scar is there to remind you to be careful, because people do hurt you and you can't just be naive about that fact like it's happened to you. You've seen it happen. So just because you've got the scar there, it doesn't mean that you'll ever get another cut there. It doesn't mean that it's ever going to reopen. It doesn't mean that anything will ever happen with that scar.
Speaker 3:It's just there as a reminder yeah, yeah, and I think I feel like there's like the trap of personal development, though Right, because, like the as you do it, I feel like it's easier to get into like the head of like it needs to be fixed. Yeah, right, it needs to be fixed. Okay, because I'm doing personal development and to do personal development, you actually need to see more of the sunshine and the rainbows. But in your personal development journey, it's actually like allowing yourself to sit in the sunshine and the rainbows while also traveling into like the other stuff. But the thing is, with personal development, you get really great at defensive mechanisms. You get really great on like navigating. No, no, no, that can't be it. No.
Speaker 3:Then your spiritual ego comes in and it's like I got absolutely like slaughtered with this this year. I'm like, yeah, yeah, but I know how to like I was navigating people's defenses. I was like you're gonna probably ask me this question, I'm gonna have an answer for this. So, like, the more that you do personal development, the more that you think I should be better, I should be fixed, I should be like not the hot mess. So then you actually get really good at like holding a mask, navigating, and then it's almost like. You have to kind of come back to the thought of like. You have to be that newbie again, of like, having that open mind. But the more personal development you do, the more closed off you become, because you're like but I should be like this. But I've seen this before, or even like the trap of myself of like, but why didn't I see it? Like if someone was to name it, I'm like, but I should have seen it, it's mine like I. I need to be able to see the tool.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I need to be able to see all my blind spots and that's okay. I think that when you start to get in that, you're actually robbing yourself of a human experience because, like something that I do with a lot of my clients I know Steph also is like you want to have more joy in your life, but you cannot ignore the other feelings. This is like a spectrum. You want to have more joy, then you need to understand what it feels like not to. You need to go into that darkness instead of just being like oh yeah, like light and sunshine. So in your personal development it's kind of just like well, you do need to be able to move in that human experience. It's not always going to be times where it's like happy. It's how you navigate that, it's how you sit in that, it's how you accept that the more that you resist, the more it's going to persist.
Speaker 2:The more that you hold that mask up, the more things are going to manifest into your life yeah, I think there's also this perception of this journey, especially if you're right at the beginning of it, that it's going to just kind of be this like upwards trajectory the entire time. It's not. It goes up and down and a lot of the time it gets a lot worse before it starts to get better, just because you're digging up shit that's been hidden for a very, very long time for a reason, because it really hurts and we don't want to look at it. So we start bringing it up in our subconscious is like the fuck, you are put that back and you're like you're like a toddler. Effectively, your subconscious is trying to parent you and it's like no, don't do that, that's dangerous. We don't touch the oven and you're like I'm gonna fucking touch it and your brain's like don't stop, still fucking doing it. It's, it's gonna stop for a little while. There's gonna be battles in your head. You're gonna sit there and tell yourself that it's a terrible idea. This is why we love coaches, because, like I can't tell you how many of these sorts of messages I get from my clients, where they're like this isn't helping and I'm like no, no, that's the point. No, but like I'm still doing this and it's like having awareness of a problem is not the same as embodying it, as accepting it as any of it. So for me there's kind of like a few levels, and I don't know how many I'm going to get into, so I'm not going to name. For me, there's kind of like a few levels, and I don't know how many I'm going to get into, so I'm not going to name how many, but you've kind of got the like. You don't know that. You like you have no idea that it's even doing anything. It might still be wreaking havoc on your life, but you've got no fucking idea.
Speaker 2:Then the next step is the awareness. It's like I know why I'm doing this. Maybe that's enough, maybe that's enough. Maybe that's enough to stop it for some people. That's why talk therapy works really really well. They just need the awareness.
Speaker 2:Then you've got the next step up, which is the acceptance. You need to accept it, because you can't do shit with it until you accept that it's a part of you. Because even with the, you can be aware of it but not accept it. You can be aware that you are running this way because of you know a certain thing, like okay, so let's take. Maybe you had a really awful parent like a narcissistic parent, an abusive parent, something like that and you know that the reason that you do a lot of the things that you do is because of how you were conditioned by that parent. You have not accepted that that is what happened to you, that that was your story. Until you accept it, you cannot let go of it. Awareness is not enough. You need to accept it.
Speaker 2:Once you've accepted it, that's when we can start to move it, because to fix a problem you have to accept that it's a problem and you can go oh yeah, I'm so aware of the fact that I do this. Like aren't I kooky and funny? Like, oh yeah, I'm so aware of the fact that I do this. Like aren't I kooky and funny? Like, no, actually you're really not. It's not funny that you keep sabotaging every single relationship that you get into because you keep picking the bad guys. That's not funny. But we're using that defense mechanism of humor to go oh yeah, I'm aware of it. Like that's all I need. No.
Speaker 3:Not if you keep running the same pattern. Yeah, and I think obviously with shadow work, the more that you try and push that part of your way, the more it's just going to come up. It's like telling somebody no, you're not going to be able to do that. And then their whole motivation is that one person told me that I'm not going to be able to do that. So it's like you have to accept that's a part, like, that is a part of you.
Speaker 2:But the more it's going to keep coming up. Yeah, yeah, it just wants to be seen. The acceptance piece can take a while. Like you can't just go. Okay, I've become aware of this. Like I accept that it's a part of me. No, you don't, because again, if you did, it wouldn't still be yanking you around on a leash.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I also think people forget that. How else is that playing out in your life? Right, like let's go self-sabotage with relationships, but it's not necessarily just in romantic relationships. Let's look at your friendships. Let's look at your, your health and your nutrition. Let's look at your career path. Like you can accept that one part.
Speaker 3:So I mean, I'm just gonna bring up my proving thing because it's super alive, right, I like had this thing this year of like stepping into the certification I needed to. I felt like I had to prove myself, like why am I in that role? But then I realized that that wasn't just in my business. Then I noticed that I'm like trying to prove myself to my partner of like this is why you're with me, this is what I provide, because my partner is, you know, he's the man, the house, like he is the financial person at the moment where he's in his career. So then I'm like, okay, well, if I'm not proving myself in this way, how can I do that? But then I'm also proving myself to my stepkids that I'm not the evil stepmother. Then I'm proving to, you know, not necessarily to Logan, but like I wasn't meant to have children. So then I'm having to prove that, like that having Logan was meant to be, that I'm like oh well, why do my friends like me? I have to prove that I give something to my friends, like. I have two personalities with my friends. I have Lorinda and Rin. Lorinda gives plenty because she gives advice, she gives space, she listens. And then I'm like but what does Rin do?
Speaker 3:So then I'm like oh, that one piece of like proving myself, stepping into a new step unraveled how much in my life that I proved myself Right, I have to prove that I'm a value to somebody or in my business, or something like that. But it didn't come out until I accepted oh, I am trying to prove my role in this. And then it just like was like a ripple effect. And even the other day I was saying something about like, sales of like. Oh, you know it's a bit of a lull right now and she goes. Well, why do you think it's hard? And I was like, just kind of like unraveling. And I was like fuck's sake, because I have to prove. I feel like I have to prove that you working with me is okay, like I'm going to be able to help you. I have to prove myself. And I'm like oh, so when you say you've got to accept it. Oh yeah, I self-sabotage in relationships. Where else do you self-sabotage?
Speaker 2:yeah, and it might be okay to accept it in the relationship side of things, but when it comes to all of that other shit, it's like, oh yeah, I'm just gonna ignore that, I'm not gonna look at it, and therefore the problem will persist everywhere, all over the place, and that's why it's it's messy, it fucking sucks and it feels like it's never ending. Because it is it's never ending because you may, you know, like lorenda will go through all of this and she'll, you know, unravel it and she'll embody it and she'll accept it and do all of her dances and stuff. I just love watching all of that. Then, you know, it was really fun. Hopefully we can get the video of that, but then it might come up again in five or ten years time for something else, because you know like by then logan will be a teenager and it's.
Speaker 2:You know what's different there, where you know all of the things right, where it's. It's just different stages of your life and you're looking at it through different lenses, with different experience, and you kind of just go through it more deeply and people come into self-development, people come into therapy, into coaching, into all of it wanting to be fixed. We can't fix you because you're not broken. You are a sum of all of your parts and all of your parts are there for a reason. And again, even that the whole I need to be fixed. You are losing all of your power when you say things like that, when you're like I need somebody else to fix me no, the fuck you don't. You like people to guide you? Yes, people to spot your shit? Yes, very helpful. Like lorinda and I both go through phases where we have our own coaches, because you can't see the label from inside of the jar.
Speaker 2:But but it's yeah, sometimes it takes you a while to spot your crap, but I had a situation the other day. I was journaling because I was like what the fuck is wrong with me? And I was recording it because I was going to put it onto b-roll or use it for content, and I recorded the exact moment where I was. I was fucking disconnected from everything and I'd been numbing out of everything and I'd just been doing things because I had to do it and because I had to go through the motions. It's like it happens. Did I sit there and beat myself up about it and go oh my God, I'm so shit. Why didn't I notice this. Oh my God, look for a minute or two, yeah. And then I was like okay, what do we do here? What are the tools? And this is you know. Obviously, the further in you get, the more tools you've got, you can move through things a lot more quickly. I think it's still just as gnarly and it still sucks, but it's quicker.
Speaker 3:Yeah, or you can build resilience to sit in it longer.
Speaker 2:Yes, which makes it quicker.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think, like like the other side of personal development, like the longer that you've been in the personal development and the quicker that you accept these parts like I have been sitting with this fucking part of myself for about six months right now because of how like deep it is and like the longer that I actually sit with it, the more I'm actually understanding it and the more that I have compassion for it. Right, like at the start I'm well, that's just fucking stupid, right? Logically, why do I need to do that? But then I'm like I've actually been sitting with this part of myself for a really long time and it's something that I feel like there's like which obviously shadow work. We have the gifts of these things, right, there's been so many gifts of this, and it's learning when, when something in our blueprint is actually now causing more harm. Right, for a lot of the time, me proving myself was such a safety net, right, and it meant that I got to have a community. It meant that I got to you know, be in relationships and and have all of those things and also try in different careers. Like I'm not somebody who necessarily like sits in just like the bottom. I like to actually work my way up and so, like I've learned a lot of skills over the years. But now what is it doing? It's causing harm in my relationship. It's causing harm with me as a parent, because I'm like, what am I trying to do here? Am I now becoming a bit of a pushover? Am I now not holding my boundaries? So it's kind of like not necessarily looking at your wound as only a wound. It's kind of like yeah, okay, it's now just not working the way it used to, because I have grown and I need to shift this, because what is the gift of proving myself? Well, I've worked really fucking hard, but now it's like but I don't need to. I actually need to sit in presence with this. But my like little part is like we got to keep going, because if we don't keep going, people are going to leave us, which then obviously leads to the abandonment wound, right. So it's kind of like looking at your stuff and going, okay, well, where is this actually helpful and where is it not? And even like, the other weekend we had the immersion and she asked one of the coaches of like can this just be here? Like, do you actually need to to move through something. And she was like no, because the thing is, the more that you like see something, like yeah, I have to fix it right now, you're actually like then avoiding the feelings around it, you're avoiding the experience around it.
Speaker 3:I actually haven't done too many embodiments around this piece because I've been processing it in my own time because, like, the logical brain is actually fucking intelligent, you know, and I'm like, oh, I can see where it's happening and I can now see how big it is right, which is why, like sometimes in our sessions, we don't do processes. I literally I had a one-to-one the other day and she goes so why are we not doing a process around this? And I was like, because I don't think it's needed right now. I think that you've just it's come up and you're trying to uh, this is the other side of the process. You're trying to avoid it, like sitting in it because you want to move through it, but moving through it's actually not the answer at the moment. I need you to sitting in it because you want to move through it, but moving through it's actually not the answer at the moment. I need you to sit with it so you can just actually experience the feelings, which is a process in itself, because sometimes we do the process and then our body can just be like, yeah, okay, we're doing the thing we're meant to be doing, and it kind of like cocks blockers, because we're like, oh, I'm doing, especially with personal development, we get really he, okay. Well, I know that the next question, or I know this next process, or I know there's going to be something around this.
Speaker 3:So let me feel that, let me experience that, instead of actually, can I just sit in the shit for a second? Yeah, can I hold that? That builds resilience in the nervous system. We've been hearing so much about the nervous system. You will build resilience by sitting in dysregulation and coming back into it. Not straight away, I guess. For Steph and I, we've had a huge fucking year. This year Our nervous system has been constantly in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, and that's actually a good thing. You don't actually want to be sitting in regulation because it's going to lower your resilience. So it's like can I sit in this feeling right now? Can I accept it and actually see which parts of this wound I'm not accepting?
Speaker 2:yeah, totally. I even had some situations last week because obviously we've had family up so we've had a lot of socializing, which is not really really my bag as much as I, as much as I loved it. It was so much fun and we had a great time. But I noticed some feelings around like being left out because I'm I'm the in-law and then there's, you know, my husband and his brother and sister, so I'm the, I'm the outcast in that group, even though I'm friends with. I'm friends with them all Like I've known them all for 25 years and I still found situations where I felt like I was being left out. And previously I would have been like, oh no, I have to go over there so that I'm not being left out or whatever.
Speaker 2:And this time I just sat in it and I was like it's okay, I'm okay to just sit here, I don't need to be in the center of everything, I don't need to all make this about me, like I can just let them have some sibling time and I can just like hang up with the kids or just sit here and just do nothing. And I actually found that quite empowering, that I could actually like previously I probably would have started a fight about it. But, like you know, I'm being left out. Like you know, I don't feel like I'm, I don't feel like I'm, I don't feel like I'm included and I would have like made that mean all of these things and not wanted to hang out and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this time I could recognize it for what it was. There's no, like I didn't feel the need to again move through that or whatever.
Speaker 2:I just sat in it and I was like this feels comfortable, oh, uncomfortable rather, and that's okay, yeah, like I can just sit here and remind myself that this is not a tiger, this is okay, it's fine and it was fine and we moved through it, yeah, and we had a great week. But this is the thing is that sometimes the awareness is enough and I've done a lot of work around this particular piece as well Like it's a big one and it's always going to be there, but knowing it and understanding it and accepting that it's there and being like just treating it like a child Effectively, like these big pieces are like your children and you just sit there and you go okay, cool, I see you, I, I see that you're there. I see that you're throwing a tantrum. That's okay, I'll sit with you, we'll, we'll work through it together, it's okay.
Speaker 3:And eventually you get to the point where you can neutralize those tantrums before they even start, because you know the parts so well, because you've accepted them yeah, I think when you were saying that I had this thing that popped up as well is like so last weekend, so like for majority of my life I've actually had really bad anxiety. Obviously, that calmed down a lot when I was medicated with ADHD, because I'm like, oh yeah, we'll get a lot. A lot of women get misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety because it's actually ADHDhd. So like I've always had really bad anxiety, got medicated. And then last weekend, because I always have like valium in the house just because of my previous anxiety, um, last weekend I just could not calm myself down. Like I'm sitting in bed and I'm like, because matt was away and I'm like my fucking heart is like going to pump out of my chest, like I can't like. It was just such a moment of like, wow, I really all of my tools are out the window, I'm breathing, I'm moving, I'm with it. So I took a Valium and that was a moment of like, oh my god, like fuck me.
Speaker 3:But then I had this moment of like holy shit, did I live with this feeling, right? So it's like sometimes having those little reminders of like I lived with this feeling of anxiety for a majority of my life and that itself was a moment where I'm like, how did I survive? Like I had like a half an hour panic attack where I was just like no, I have to take a Valium. Like I can't move through this right now, like I'm going to lose my shit and I'm the only one home with Logan. So I took this Valium and then obviously it kicked in and I was like I actually felt like that was a process in itself because I was just like I actually gave myself so much grace for the previous parts of me.
Speaker 3:So it's like when you were talking about oh, this feeling is familiar. Like I've moved through these things, sometimes seeing that feeling of going holy shit, that's really hard, that's a really shit feeling. Like I know this feeling, like this feeling is familiar and it's the first time that I've felt this in a long time and I'm like, how did I go about my day? How did I live with this? Like it's almost like allowing you to see those parts in a different light of like well, I actually am experiencing the anxiety like I used to and I give myself so much more compassion from those past versions of myself. Like when you talk about self-sabotage in relationships, I know why I self-sabotaged? Because I lived with this feeling. I lived with this feeling that somebody's going to leave me, someone's going to abandon me.
Speaker 2:So I'll push you away before you can leave me.
Speaker 3:So then it's like those little reminders of like wow, I actually have done, because the trap of personal development, we think we then have more and then we haven't done enough and why haven't I healed enough? And then, and then you're like wow, I actually have.
Speaker 2:When you were talking about that, I was just like actually having those little reminders of the mess just goes, well, I've actually come really far and like, sometimes you get to a point as well where you know we've just spotted big pieces that we kind of knew were there but whatever. But it's sitting with that piece and going. Is this actually impacting my life in a negative way in some ways, like the disconnect piece? Yes, that that needs to be dealt with, but that's relatively easy. It's just, you know, just be being more present, sitting down with my calendar, you know you're having more space for connection, all of those sorts of things. Um, and I know that I kind of tend to turn in when things get hard. It's a survival mechanism. That's okay. Like it's fine, I'm not beating myself up for it.
Speaker 2:But then there's a piece of like proving yourself. Does that need to be moved through? Yes, in some areas, but in others can it just be left, like, can you just go? You know what? Yeah, that's fine, I'm happy to prove myself. Because in some situations like obviously with your work in SAC and in the Feminine Wealth Club, when that starts up and all of the things, yep, the proving yourself thing means that you're going to work harder. It means that you're going to reflect. It means that you're going to look at sessions and go. Did I do well there? Could I have done that better? Were they responding? Because if you're not trying to prove yourself, or whatever you want to call it, are you just sitting there being like yeah, I'm just really good at this and I don't have to ever get better. Yeah, not a good place to be either.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And in some spots it's just I'm aware of this. Oh, I'm trying to prove myself again.
Speaker 3:I don't actually have to do that. Yeah, and I think the benefit of having this thing as well is that, like it's created more like understanding from like the other half right, like I am a bit more of a verbal processor at the moment and I was just like this is why I'm responding like this, this is why I don't want you to fucking help me right now. And he was like I remember him looking at me and being like that's pretty heavy, and then in his head he just goes she needs help. I'll give her a hand. And I'm like don't pass me that hand because it makes me believe that you don't think I can do it. And I'm trying to prove to you that. And he's just like I just wanted to help you.
Speaker 3:I didn't realize that. And I'm like, and he's like when we actually sat down and had a big conversation about it, he's like that makes me like understand so much more. Like you can bring these things into your relationship in a safe environment. Like I obviously asked permission and everything. We're sitting there and he's just like I just didn't realize how big that is for you. And like, like he's like can I like he gave me some perspectives of, like the way that I do like a show up in our relationship and the way that I give a lot, and it was nice, because obviously we get in our little tunnel of like this is the mess, this is the only thing that's here, this is like how I need to do this, not realizing there's like more fucking vision here. So it's like can you sit in that for yourself but also then allow other perspectives? Because when we sit in our in our deep shit, we're like life's fucked. Yeah, life is super fucked, but then is it or is it just your wound? Talking because I very well can have sat there and been like. I actually, like you know, the feeling that I have right now improving myself in this is like you're going to leave me, this is fucked, like everything's fucked and he's just like. That's not what I see. I see like essentially like not, this is not what he said, but in my perspective of like a field of daisies and one's fucking dead. This needs a little bit more watering. Where I'm like in my head, I'm looking at this one dead daisy and like that's dead. So I guess the takeaway for this episode is that, like, your humanness is like so welcome and that's why having this podcast, I think, is really beneficial as well, because we bring so much of our human experience. Like we have so many shadows, we have so many wounds, and the one thing that I think that I get spoken about and I know Steph is is like we bring safety by being humans.
Speaker 3:I feel really unsafe with somebody who isn't going to share the humanness. I don't want somebody who's perfect. I don't want somebody who's got lots of walls up and is not going to share things with me. I want to be human and the more personal development I do, the more I'm like oh, like these parts of myself that are not really helping me. I understand that they're there and I am actively looking at them and I am seeing them and I'm going well. That actually doesn't make me a bad person. Like these things to me are not a reflection of who I am. These things to me are not a reflection of who I am. So if you've been on your personal development and you're like, man, I've got some shit, yeah, babe, me too, me too, and that's okay. I actually think that it makes you a safe person to admit those things, that you have shit, whether you're a coach or a person. I think it's like admitting that and being like, yeah, I see that. And also here's some of my stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's also the one thing that I want to leave you with as well is that when you're moving through these pieces again, it's not linear, but we're looking for progress, not perfection, cause I think a lot of people come to me like my biggest thing is mum rage. That's my main thing that I deal with. That's what most of my clients come to me for, and a lot of them will come to me and be like like Steph, I'm still yelling, like I'm still, I just lost my shit. Like this is, this is not working, this is useless, like I'm. And they get all up in their shit, right, and I'm like okay, cool. So when you came to me, you were yelling 10 times a day, like fucking losing your shit 10 times a day. Right, how many times have you lost it this week and that or just that once? What about last week? Oh, I didn't, what? Yeah, and it's like then it is working, it's helping. But if you are a naturally reactive person, you are still going to be reactive sometimes and that's okay. Like, we're just trying to like that is you doing your best. You working on it is you doing your best. It's never going to stop. I still yell at my kids sometimes when my walls are down and I'm fucking tired and it's just been a day and they have been at me like my three year old. I swear to god, that girl could talk the back legs off a donkey, as my sister-in-law put it. Last week she was like that girl talked herself to sleep. My, that's what she does. She would just go. That's hilarious, oh my god, and it's a lot. It's overstimulating for me.
Speaker 2:I'm a I'm an introverted extrovert, like I like to talk to people and I love, I love connecting with, but sometimes I just want some silence and she just does not understand the concept and it drives me insane. And sometimes I do get cranky. Am I sitting here telling myself I'm an asshole? No, because I used to be losing control multiple times a week. Now I'm lucky if it happens once every three months. Sometimes I'll get snappy, but I don't scream at them and if I do, it's because I've hit a fucking wall and I know what to do. Afterwards I apologize, I say I'm so sorry. Mommy, shouldn't have done that. I just I hit my. I hit my limit. I'm human, just like you are, and you guys will fuck up too. You guys will do shitty things to people that you love as well, and I'm still going to love you. Yeah, and that's the whole point. Like it's not to be perfect, it's just to get to a point where it's not completely overtaking your life anymore.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah Well, it's okay to be a mess, it's okay to not be perfect, it's okay to be human. And if you love this episode, share it with your friends maybe somebody who needs to hear that it's okay to be a mess and leave a review. Or also, welcome to, I guess share anything that really came up for you during this, because it's an open space and it's okay to be on your journey and go. Am I on the right path? So leave us a review and we'll see you next time thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 1:We've absolutely loved being here with you today and if you have enjoyed today's episode as much as we have enjoyed recording it, please leave a review or drop into our DMs. We would love to hear from you.