The Shadow Diaries
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
The Shadow Diaries
Why You Feel Like You're Drowning Every December (And It's Not About Christmas)
This week we're getting real about why December makes us want to curl up in a ball and disappear - and spoiler alert, it's not actually about having too much to do.
We dive into the uncomfortable truth: most of our holiday overwhelm is self created. Not because you're doing it wrong, but because of unconscious patterns and shadows that have you believing you need to be everyone's Christmas hero while sacrificing your own sanity.
In this raw conversation about holiday overwhelm and shadow work, we explore:
- Why you're still using the "I have a newborn" excuse when your kid is three
- The martyr shadow that has you doing EVERYTHING while resenting everyone
- How to tell the difference between actual overwhelm and manufactured drama
- Why disappointing people at Christmas won't actually kill you (promise)
- The victim pattern that keeps you stuck in "poor me, I have to do everything"
- Breaking the generational trauma of women killing themselves for perfect holidays
- Why your capacity isn't broken - it's just full of old shit
- The real reason you won't ask for help (hint: it's not because no one's available)
We get into the shadows that drive holiday chaos - the people pleaser who can't say no to one more commitment, the controller who won't let anyone else wrap presents "wrong," and the perfectionist who's ruining Christmas trying to make it magical.
This is for every woman who starts dreading December in October. For mums who are already exhausted thinking about school concerts, present shopping, and keeping everyone happy. For anyone who wants to actually enjoy the holidays instead of white knuckling through them.
Real talk about shadow work, breaking patterns, and giving yourself permission to have a Christmas that doesn't require you to sacrifice yourself on the altar of everyone else's expectations.
Warning: May cause you to cancel some shit and actually enjoy December.
Reach out to us on Instagram!
Steph is here and Lurinda is here.
Welcome back to the Shadow Diaries. This isn't a Deer Diary. It's a dear shadow.
SPEAKER_00:Here we are pulling the curtain back to the good, the bad, and the ugly to bring light to those deep inner thoughts and feelings you keep on having but are too ashamed to admit to. To provide a safe space and get radically honest about what's holding you back and what shadow work really is. This isn't surface level.
SPEAKER_01:It dives deep into your soul to meet it with acceptance and compassion. There is no need to hide. All is welcome. This can be a space where you learn and receive real women, real stories, real shadows.
SPEAKER_00:This is the Shadow Diaries, and your story starts now.
SPEAKER_01:Hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode. And like always, this is one that's been on our minds, on our hearts, and also with a lot of our clients. It is coming up towards the end of the year. And if you are a mum, a stepmum, a carer, you know, honestly responsible for other people, you know that this time of the year is wild because we're coming to the end of the school year for us in Australia, and we're coming towards Christmas. I don't know about anybody else, but for some reason, all of my children's birthdays at December, January, which means the big topic of overwhelm. Now, we had a bit of a chat around overwhelm before, and we've got a couple of different lenses from like mindset to semantics to like what we can actually do with it, and also bringing in the shadow work of like what are the actual shadows that tend to keep us in the state of overwhelm. So, Steph, I'm gonna actually pass it over to you because I think what you said about this little bit of an unpopular opinion needs to be shared.
SPEAKER_00:So I obviously deal a lot with overwhelm. It is, I've literally just dropped a module on that this week inside of my group program. And what I see, and I want to preface this by saying this isn't your fault, and we're gonna go into why, because we had this discussion after I said this, is that a lot of the time we keep ourselves in overwhelm because of our mindset. And our mindset is around, you know, like I always have to be busy. It's these beliefs that are underneath it, which is why it's not your fault. These are subconscious beliefs that you're not even aware you're running. But it's like I have to be busy, I have to be productive, I am responsible for everybody else, all of the things. And a lot of the time we have the ability to get ourselves out of overwhelm at any given time, but we choose not to. And again, not a conscious choice. But we thought it'd be really helpful to kind of go over this, particularly with this time of year, because your Christmas doesn't have to be fucking stressful. Like it's busy, it's a busy time of year, but it's also a beautiful time of year. I fucking love Christmas. I think it's the best. Like you get to, everybody, you know, finishes work after a little while. And yes, work can get really busy, especially if you are in, you know, the beauty industry. I know that those guys are just absolutely slimmed at this time of year. I've got a few friends who work in that and they're just, they're like, I just actually want to curl up in a ball, which is so fair. For me, like firstly, I just want to, I have a bit of a differentiation with overwhelm where we've got our short-term overwhelm and our long-term overwhelm. So our short-term overwhelm is when life is just busy because realistically, things will happen. And sometimes it does feel like everything's piling on at all at once. You know, you've got school holidays coming up, or, you know, you're moving house, or you've just had a new baby, or you're, you know, moving states or something like that. That is overwhelming because there's more to do than normal. So you're having to work outside of your capacity. Then you've got your long-term overwhelm, which is what happens when we kind of just get a little bit stuck in that short-term overwhelm, but long-term. So, this an example that I like to use here is oh, I can't get to the gym because I've got a baby, but the baby's a three-year-old toddler. And it's like, actually, no, you you could still do that, but you're still borrowing the mindset from when they were a newborn and when they were feeding, you know, sporadically. Maybe sometimes it was every half an hour, maybe sometimes you get a four-hour block, but you never knew when it was. But you've just gotten so stuck in that that you still kind of believe that. And so then you're still not managing to make time to go to the gym or to go to the shops or do things that you want to do. And you're keeping yourself trapped in that overwhelm by refusing to acknowledge and accept what your situation is right now. Rather than you're you're stuck in what it was, and this is a huge piece, right? Like we need to acknowledge and accept what is right in front of us. And this goes for multiple different areas, but in terms of overwhelm, we definitely need to. And I think that leads really beautifully into the next piece that I like to talk about when we talk about overwhelm, which is our capacity. Everybody has a different capacity, like straight off the bat. Some people just have bigger cups than others. Because I know a lot of people, a lot of my clients love to compare themselves. Why can that person like I've got one in particular that comes to mind where she's got two kids and she goes, Why? I I've got friends with four kids. Why do they seem to cope so much better than I do with two? Firstly, everybody's capacity is different from them as a person. Some people just can handle more, and that's just the way it is. But also our support networks, also our mindsets, also how demanding work is, how much time we put in for ourselves, like all of these things are going to affect your capacity. And that capacity will fluctuate from day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year. Where sometimes you just, you know how sometimes it's like everything's being thrown at you, but you just seem to handle it. And it's like, wow, you know, yeah, there's a lot going on right now, but I'm feeling kind of okay. And then sometimes not really that much is going on, and you're like, oh my god, this is just this is too much. I just can't handle this. Like, I'm gonna go get a drink or I'm gonna go numb out or whatever. It's it's possibly because there's hidden things that are affecting your capacity that you just don't realize.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And then also with capacity, capacity as well, when you're talking, is that you don't actually know if somebody's capacity is bigger or their capacity has already been filled up already. Like, I think we've spoken about this a few times with the water bottle, right? So, like your past things that you haven't worked through, your wounds. Um, honestly, even when you got that fucking C minus on a test, maybe that is still sitting there and like you're sitting at the edge. So your capacity might have been huge, right? But it's now full where somebody else's has just been emptied out. So it's not even like cool the comparison thing of like, well, theirs is bigger. Well, no, no, no. Check in with yours is yours actually just fucking full.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yes. Trauma, trauma and and you know, past emotions and past experiences absolutely will also affect this. And I I do think to a degree, just from working with humans and and all of the things, that some people are simply more resilient. Some people just can move through those things a little bit easier, and other people tend to hold on to them. And again, there is nothing wrong with that. It's just meeting yourself where you are and going, like, am I the type of person who when something bad happens, I do tend to think about it a lot and go over and over and over again, or am I the type of person who just moves on with things? And neither, neither one of them is the right way to do it, by the way. It depends on you, it depends on the way that you are, and you can't force yourself into being the type of person who just goes, Yep, okay, cool, I've had my cry, now I'm gonna move on. And you can't force yourself to be the person who's like, I'm gonna sit here and process every single little piece of emotion in regards to this thing. Everybody's different. I think somewhere in the middle is definitely where we would prefer to be, because, you know, depending on what it is. I think this is the other piece, right? Because depending on what it is, sometimes we do just need to suck it up and move on. And I think some people spend a lot of time sitting in things that they don't actually have to sit in because they're seeing on, you know, people's Instagram sort of like you need to feel your feelings and you need to spend time with them and you need to process them. Sometimes you actually fucking don't. Sometimes that is keeping you way more stuck, way more overwhelmed, just in a shitty place. And sometimes you can't just push through. Sometimes you do actually need to sit and feel the feels and process the things and journal and cry and do all of the things, and there is a different it's different rules for different different things. Neither one of them is right. It's a case-by-case scenario, I think is what I'm trying to say here. So that's a little bit of like the sort of info. But now we're going to go into some of the shadows that I would say we personally have had to overcome. I was certainly a very, very overwhelmed person until maybe last year, I started to sort of get on top of this when I found shadow work um and started to kind of address those patterns, address those beliefs, address those shadows that were or the stories that I was running. So we're gonna talk a little bit through them, how we used shadow work to overcome that overwhelm and also the shadows and the pieces that we often see with our clients who come in with overwhelm. Because we do address it a lot.
SPEAKER_01:And I also feel that I feel like the thing with overwhelm, it's not something that you shouldn't feel, right? You should be able to feel overwhelmed. Like that is actually very normal if you're in a stage of like, yep, this is overwhelming. It's when it constantly is driving the bus. Like I was always in a state of overwhelm, like anxiety, overwhelm, filled in my capacity. That means that now throughout this year, I do have these states of overwhelm. I do feel those big things. And I look at what I'm doing, I'm like, okay, it's fairly normal to feel overwhelmed here, right? But we had big family things this year, we've had big work things, retreat. So it means that the overwhelm comes and goes. That's when it's like if you're constantly stuck in the state of the overwhelm, it may be looping. So that's what we mean around like the overwhelm of like this is when your overwhelm keeps looping.
SPEAKER_00:So that's like the long-term, I would say. The long-term overwhelm, where you're just kind of finding reasons to be overwhelmed now that you don't actually need to be overwhelmed about.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And this is like when Steph was talking about the unconscious, right? Because logically, you're like, okay, well, I know how to get out of overwhelm, and this is why I'm overwhelmed. It's when it comes more into the body as well. So the somatic side of the overwhelm is like you're going to stay at that top capacity because you feel like you need to. You haven't processed a lot of the things to allow you to step out of overwhelm. And then also when you're so familiar with the sensation of overwhelm, when you don't have it, you will create it. Because we've said this so many times. Nervous system is not wired for growth, it is wired for safety. And if you've been in that pattern of continually looping overwhelm, you will then find ways to be overwhelmed. You will be overwhelmed that you're not overwhelmed. And this is the same thing that we see in anxiety, right?
SPEAKER_00:If you're not anxious, things are too good. So I have to like find find a reason why it's not like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And I guess for me that that was also happening as well. And there was a lot of overwhelm in my relationship because my partner and I we split for two years. I'm waiting for the penny to drop. I'm waiting for the overwhelm. I'm waiting for the like um the flight. Cool, he's gonna break up with me and then I'm gonna have to find somewhere to live, and that's really overwhelming. Do I keep all of my stuff because you know he might leave me and then I'm now I'm overwhelmed because I have too many things? Right? These tiny little moments are threads from things that have happened before, which is why we bring in the shadows. So I guess for the first shadow that I see a lot when it comes to overwhelm, the lazy shadow. I feel like this is one that I see so often. This is one that I feel in myself. Because, in many ways, the conditioning, right? Don't be lazy, continue to do things, keep striving, keep moving. Like you can't just sit on the couch and do nothing. Yeah, like don't be unproductive. Like you've got information everywhere, right? Not only from society, like you go on Instagram, right? You're gonna see the next person doing the next thing. Five tips on how to be more productive, right? Then you've got like if uh in in my own conditioning, my mum was always on her feet, right? Always doing something. Always at the school canteen, or picking us up, or taking us to dancing, or had prepped food, right?
SPEAKER_00:So then it's like It's almost like fulfilling roles, right? Yeah. Like fulfilling roles of what it is to be a good mum, a good business owner, a good wife, a good daughter, a good friend. Like, I feel like that's almost where that lazy piece comes from.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. In a way, and then the other, yeah, the one, the big piece that it's even dropping in right now is my partner works a regular nine to five, and he'll do over time, just like Steph's partner as well. And um means that sometimes I don't have any clients, right? I don't work nine to five. I work when I can, I work through the school hours, and I just remember like I was having a lunch break and this lazy shadow come up so much, and I'm like, why are you having an hour lunch break? Because I was really fucking tired. And I was just like, I just want to fucking sit down and eat my lunch in peace. And I'm like, I was taking an hour lunch break, and I was like, no, no, no, you should only take half an hour, right? Because if you take an hour, you don't really need that, and that would be lazy, right? Don't be lazy, you have work to do. And so that was even coming up in my business where I'm like, hang on a second, I need to keep doing the next thing because I don't want to be a lazy business owner, right? And then I pick up the kids from school and I don't want to be a lazy mum. I don't want my kids to think that I'm a lazy mom. So that was where I see the lazy shadow in myself, but also where I'm seeing it reflected back to me in my own clients of like, but I can't just sit down. I gotta keep going. Yeah. I've got to serve. Yeah.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Which also then comes into like these, and you'll notice the ties between these shadows, right? Because even as I'm saying it, I'm like, cool, there's a privilege piece here.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_01:There's the the good girl of like, I have to do all of these things. There's the provider.
SPEAKER_03:Mm-hmm. Right.
SPEAKER_01:I think also like that piece of sorry, I keep cutting you off. It's so rude.
SPEAKER_00:Um, and now I've fucking forgotten what I was gonna say. We will do an episode on ADHD, everybody. Yeah, we will. It's it's in the pipeline. The piece around like I have to work hard in order to be successful. Yeah. But it's like, what is success?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. What's your version of success?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think that's a hot topic as well. Of like just to like segue into something else. It's kind of like that has been my big thing for this year, right? Of like, what is success? Right? Like, what is it? Now, this is something that comes up a lot for me because running a business isn't always as lucrative as you think it is. Because you for me, I am very much, and I feel like Steph's all the same. Like we make money and then we go, cool, this is a long-term business, so how can I invest back for my people? Is it my skill set? Is it my systems? Is it for me? It was just running a retreat, right? That that killed the savings a little bit. So it's kind of just like, well, what apart from finances, if I was to take away finances, that piece of that pie, what else would I be left with? Holy shit. I actually have a lot. If I was to take that piece of pie right now, I feel successful, my relationship's solid, I'm present with my children, I run, I just ran a really beautiful retreat that I got to witness insane things. I get to help people. I get to help people and also pick up my kids from school. That to me is successful. Like being able to have hard conversations with my partner and know that no matter what rupture it is, we can repair it. But it was also the lazy shadow that was tying it together of like the thought pattern that I had with this was if there was like no wonder you're not successful because you're lazy. Now that's that's a lot of charge there. Yeah, right. And this is the thing, logically, the mind is trying to reframe it of like that's silly. And even just then, right? I'm allowed to have an hour lunch break, I'm allowed to sit on the couch, but your body goes, This is why we do somatic shadow work, your body goes, doesn't matter. You're still lazy.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Remembering as well, and I think we've we may have spoken about this before, but your subconscious does not apply logic, and your subconscious and conscious very rarely actually speak to. Well, your subconscious kind of speaks to your conscious, but your conscious doesn't really speak down. It's why we go bottom up, like so the semantics is like the body, and then we go up to the mind rather than mind down because your conscious, I I I've never really kind of thought about this before, but I don't think that your conscious mind really has much of a stream into your subconscious. Um, it's why we need to employ things like hypnosis or um meditation and things like that in order to access our subconscious, whereas our subconscious has a direct line to the conscious mind and sends all of those thoughts and beliefs and things like that up, which is maybe they don't talk. Maybe there's like a thing in the middle. Again, I've never really thought about this. This is literally how my brain works. You're hearing real-time thinking right now, where it's where like your conscious mind doesn't want to actually do this behavior, but your subconscious is forcing it to, based off of what it believes, based off of what it needs to keep safe. And your conscious mind's like, no, I'm gonna do this thing today. Your subconscious is like, nah. Or vice versa. Your subconscious, like your conscious mind's like, oh my god, I'm so fucking tired, I just need to rest. And your subconscious is like, no, bitch, get off the fucking couch right now. Yeah. I think that's also like when you gone.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Yeah, like the subconscious is like, this is the beliefs, these are the shadows, this is what's gonna keep us safe, or your conscious mind, like, this is why we have mindset work, right? You're trying to reframe your mind. Yeah, it wants to try and apply logic and it wants to change. But if they don't meet, then it's like, uh, it's honestly when you're talking about Steph, it's kind of like the conscious mind is a teenager. And it's like, I'm gonna do what I want to do, and the subconscious is like the mother of like, but I'm just trying to keep you safe.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, almost I feel like even I feel like there's a toddler in there somewhere where they're like in the conscious, but maybe like the parent, the conscious mind is like the parent and the subconscious is like the toddler. And it's like, no, like you're wrong. I I'm not gonna hurt myself if I fall off of the table. It's like, yeah, you fucking are. The conscious mind is like trying to be all the logical as a teenager. Yeah, yeah, totally. Listen, it's a child. There's a child in there somewhere. There is a child in there somewhere, and there is a responsible one in there somewhere, and those two are not fucking communicating well. But there's also that piece, like when you when you were talking before about the privilege and the laziness, where again, both of our partners do work extremely hard and they do provide very well for our families. And I think especially in this economy, it can be really difficult to have that privilege. And this sounds, I'm aware that it sounds privileged to even say this, but it's like we're lazy because we should be working harder, because so many other people are, and like all of the things. But at the end of the day, the way that both of our families are set up is that we don't have that sort of 50-50 split in terms of the housework and work. Like whenever I see things like that where the husband comes home and does, you know, it's equal shares, that's not how it works in either of our households. And that's okay because we we kind of have like that 60s housewife thing going on. Not to say like both of our partners, well, I can't necessarily speak from that, but I know that like my husband is a very, very hands-on dad. When he is here, he is like elbows, you know, sleeves rolled up, he walks straight in from a 13, 14-hour day, straight into, you know, doing baths, doing bedtimes, cooking dinners, you know, all of the things. He's never, he never says no if I'm like, hey, I need help with this thing. But it's the lion's share of the parenting, the running of the household, the cleaning, the, you know, organizing does fall on us. So it is still that teamwork, but it just looks a little bit different to what everybody on social media is saying. And that is okay. But there is also the piece where we do watch things like that and go, Oh, maybe we're just not working hard enough. Maybe we should just be doing X, Y, Z. Like maybe we should want the$100,000 a month business. And it's like, well, I don't want the fucking$100,000 a month business because that would probably mean that I wouldn't be able to pick up my kids from school every day.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And I've even spoken, like Matt is very much the same with the hands on dad, but I've spoken to him about it. I was just like, if you need me to go, like one, make more money in my business, which means I am gonna have to work more, or go and get a side job or whatever. And he was just like, honestly, in our family, that would create more chaos because it would mean that someone else would have to pick up the kids. And we like we have a support network around here, but like we're still working on the whole asking for help thing, guys. Seriously.
SPEAKER_00:Is it but it my god, this this conversation is a train wreck. It's so interesting though, how that belief still comes in, where it's like the mother's role of looking after the kids of cooking, cleaning, that unpaid labor is still not seen as contributing, though, from like from just what we're saying here, right? Where it's like, but but but but but like that is what we do. But for a lot of people's like, oh yeah, no, they're lazy, blah blah. Are we lazy? Are we actually, or is that just society's belief that again, the mother, our our the unpaid labor that goes into raising children is not can is not seen as a contribution.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And even honestly, tying that back into overwhelm, it's kind of like because we work with mums a lot. Um because it's an unpaid, this is a conditioning thing as well, because it's an unpaid labor, we then don't see it as higher or as the same equality of being paid like our partners, which then creates more overwhelm, right? Because we're like, cool, we need to make sure because we're at home, we need to make sure that everything is done, all our kids are happy, the house is sorted, the washing is done, now we're running a business. So, like we've created this overwhelm in ourselves because the conditioning is still, well, they're paying the bills. And this is what I see a lot of like in women. Like, I am so glad that I get to have these really big conversations with my partner because that that conditioning still comes up for me of like, I just don't feel like I'm contributing enough to this family. And it's just like, I don't know how you you see that way because in many ways that he feels the same way. He's like, Okay, well, a lot of the time when he has to work overtime, he's just like, well, I'm not home with the kids then.
SPEAKER_00:It's comparing up to others, really.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So it's like that's what we see a lot in like the overwhelm of like moving from the lazy even to like the provider. Right.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that shadow of like, I need to provide. And I think this is such an important conversation coming into Christmas because I know from speaking to a lot of my clients that mums put so much pressure on themselves to create that magic and to get the gifts for everybody. Like the mental load of Christmas can be so fucking big. And I remember the first couple of Christmases where I was a mum, I put like, I would not let my husband touch Christmas. Was like, you can cook the meat on the day, but I'm doing the gifts, I'm doing this, I'm doing that because I have to know what they want because I'm their mum. And after a little while, I remember, I think it was maybe after we had our third baby, and my son was turning four a few months later, and I was cooked. I was just, I was in all sorts of like deep, deep, deep, dark depths of postpartum depression, like very functional. We've spoken about this before on one of our very first episodes, but I was not in a good fucking place. And he said to me, Do you want me to sort out, you know, his birthday presents because he's a December baby? And I was like, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, go ahead. But but make sure you get this and make sure you get this. And I think that he'd like this. And he's like, Steph, shut the fuck up. I was like, okay. And so he went and did it. And I was like, oh wow, he can actually, he can actually do that. And so now, honestly, he's like, Yeah, I'm gonna go get the kid's birthday presents. I'm like, okay. Donuts. Yeah. Sure. Because it's that piece of like, now I'm not putting the pressure on myself to have to create that magic. We are able to balance it. So I converse because we normally spend Christmas with my family, because they're just around the corner. Um, this year we're actually spending Christmas with my family, and then we are flying out to go and visit my husband's family afterwards, um, which will be really, really beautiful and also probably quite fucking overwhelming as well. But there is that shared load of I generally will organize with my mum and my sister, like our food and where we're spending it, and you know, like the bonbons and all of the things that we like to bring in, all of those traditions. But we will converse. My my husband and I will converse, and he will be the one that goes to the shops and gets the presents because we all know what shops are like in fucking December. Horrendous. Yeah. And he will go and do things like that because that's how we share that load. Yeah. But it's it's it's a very conscious effort. It was a very conscious effort to come out of that. So it's because like that's how I was raised. My mum stayed at home and my dad went to work. It was very much that sort of very typical, like two children, all of the things, and mum organized all of that, and dad provided the the funds for it, and he would cook. So that's what that's what I was raised with. And that's what inadvertently, because during our imprint years, which is before we turn the age of seven, we are walking-talking subconscious minds. So we adopt a lot of these beliefs before we even realize that that's what's going on. Most of our conditioning comes from those years, and so that's what I saw. So that's what I believed. And I also believe that my mum is a really great mum. So I'm like, I want to be like my mum. And I'm trying to parent the same way as my mum did, while also having a very different fucking set of circumstances in a lot of ways for for for one having an extra child. Yeah. But it's like those beliefs do come in where we, and again, this is at a subconscious level. It took me ages to uncover this. So long. And if you don't look at it, you never will. You'll never see it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Honestly, even when I was talking, I'm like, there is a belief that I feel like a lot of us um have, and it's how do I word this?
SPEAKER_03:Christmas is overwhelming. Christmas is hard, Christmas is stressful.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, Christmas is overwhelming. December's overwhelming, December's too busy. I can't do all of this because it's Christmas time. I can't do all of this because it's December. And like, look, yes, December, things have to change, right? I'm not gonna deny that. But if it's not like this is the thing. If it's not overwhelming, are you do are doing a good enough job? Ooh.
SPEAKER_03:Yep. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Because Christmas and mums, you gotta do the job. You gotta be everywhere. You gotta be at the school school recitals, you gotta pick them up, you gotta make sure that they go. Like, I've got three birthday parties, three weekends in a row. They gotta be there, then we're gonna get the present. Even November is Bethlehem. Yeah, birthday parties. Fuck me. Yeah. So you need the overwhelm to feel like you're doing a good enough job. If I'm overwhelmed, that's exactly how I need to feel because it's the end of the year.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, plus everybody else feels the same way. So I'm normal. Whereas, like when I'm sitting here being like, I fucking love Christmas. I love Christmas, like so fucking much. I love it from like my mum always made it really special for us, but I do believe that there was also that element of overwhelm and stress. But it was always special, and I fucking love Christmas. And now that it's kind of like I've stepped back from needing that overwhelm. I've stepped back from that belief that it means that I have to be overwhelmed. I fucking love Christmas again. I love it. It's so much fun. Like we are missing so much magic at this time of year. Like, especially like you've only got a few Christmases with your kids where they're like, Santa Claus, and they're so excited about it. And we miss so much of it by being so fucking overwhelmed and stressed out and making it hard.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And yeah, maybe we'll get it with my grandparents again. But it's just like this is this is one of those pieces where it's like it doesn't actually have to feel that way. And again, there is a degree of privilege here in that we both do have partners who are hands-on and who are happy to share the load and aware that not everybody has that. So just to say that as well, if you are in that situation, that is a different story.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And I also think when it comes like talking onto the whole being present thing as well, your kids will remember you as you are now. And I literally do not want to be known as the angry mum. I don't want to be known, oh my God, I can't like, I don't want to see Mum in December because she's so stressed out. I don't want people to avoid me because they're like, yep, cool, it's that time of the year. You know, Lorinda's gonna be stressed out. Don't ask her to do anything. Where I'm like, this is the thing again, right? There's different types of overwhelm. Yeah, I'm overwhelmed because I'm like, shit, there's more on more on than normal. Not, oh my god, this is going to be the worst fucking thing ever.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of these beliefs come up without you even realizing it, that you start to get stressed out in October. We were talking about this recently, or just before, actually, around like we feel like people at this time of year just tend to get more stressed. And it's this collective stress, right? Like it's a collective energy that everybody's tired and everybody's like, oh my God, I can't wait until Christmas. I just want to break. But it's like where we do make it harder with those beliefs that are running the show from from, you know, way down where we didn't even realize that they were there.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And this kind of moves into the next shadow as well, that we see a lot, which is the perfectionist. I need everything to be perfect. I need everything to be, and this also comes like professionist, perfectionist and control tend to be little best friends as well. Of like, I need to be able to control everything, everything needs to be perfect. If I miss something, then it's my fault. And I need to be honest. Yeah, honestly, this is not a shadow that I resonated with for or like ever until this year. When I actually seen it, it like smacked me in the face, and I'm like, now I can't unsee it. So the reason I say that is because I've never, like, also ADHD gal, bit chaotic in my life. Nothing's ever been perfect. Right? So because nothing I haven't deemed it as not perfect, like it's not perfect. I'm like, I can't have the perfectionist because there's no way I am a perfectionist. Me just saying that, I am a perfectionist because no matter what I do, it's never good enough. It's not perfect. So that shadow of like, well, I can't be seen as a perfectionist because I'm not perfect. How am I actually playing that out? Okay, cool. I want my kids to be really happy. I want to make sure that there's like, even down to the whole, oh my God, I missed that out of the grocery shop. I can't believe I missed that off the list. Oh my god, did I get the right present? Oh my god, I'm running a few minutes behind and it's meant to start at this time, and now, oh my god, it's like I'm terrible. That is how the perfectionist comes up, right? And this is where the overwhelm comes because if it's not perfect, you're gonna be overwhelmed. Right? It's unsafe for you to not see the negatives of this situation, right? You're gonna like, cool, I need to see where else I can grow. And this comes out a lot in healing, right? There's more areas I need to grow, there's more things I need to heal. I can't do that quite yet because I need to do this, this, and this.
SPEAKER_00:Instead of just showing up.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I actually had this conversation. I'm running circle of security at the moment, and we had our first session on Friday, and we actually had this conversation. I can't remember exactly how it came up, but one of the mums who was in there was asking around making mistakes. And she was telling me that she had like they'd gone to school and her nine-year-old had forgotten to grab their school bag. And she was like, She's like, Oh, you know, like I said, it was a bit silly, but and and I I went back and got it, and it was no dramas and all of the things. But she's like, How can I make sure that she remembers it? I'm like, well, why isn't it okay for her to make a mistake and forget something? I'm like, have you ever forgotten your phone or your, or probably not your keys because it's very difficult to start your car without your keys, but like, have you ever locked yourself out? Have you ever forgotten your wallet or your bag? Or, you know, literally the other day I had to take one of my kids to go and get a hearing test. I forgot the fucking referral. Um and she's like, no, I never forget them. And I was like, okay, well, that's weird. But I was like, I can't relate to that one. I was like, what do you mean? I forget something at least once a week. But I was like, okay, great. So in that moment, she goes, Oh, yeah, I told her that it was fine. I was like, but did you beat yourself up? She goes, Oh my God, I felt like shit the entire day. I was like, you forgot a fucking bag. It was a bag. And she's like, but I never forget things. I was like, that is your perfectionist coming out. Like that is that piece where it's like, I'm not allowed to make mistakes. And the thing with our kids as well is that they'll watch that and go to you, like, what's you saying to them? Oh, oops, we spilt the water on the on the thingy. That's fine. We'll clean it up. Or oh, whoops, we forgot that. That's no dramas. We can fix it. Mistakes happen, blah, blah, blah. But then they see you in a foul mood after you make a mistake, or saying, Oh my God, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I forgot that. And that is what they're gonna pick up. And she was like, it was, it was such a huge light bulb moment for her. I don't think it was a very nice light bulb moment for her, but she and a couple of others actually messaged me afterwards and said, I do the exact same thing. Like, thank you so much for speaking about that because I can see how I'm doing that. Everybody makes fucking mistakes. And to the perfectionist, that's not okay. It's like everybody else makes mistakes, but it's not okay for me. Or like that's so small, I can't possibly have forgotten that. Or that should be more important to me. I can't believe I forgot that. And it's like we will forget things, especially now that we've got children. Our capacity is greatly reduced just by having kids from what we used to be before we had children. And unfortunately, this is probably a pretty permanent thing until you know, whoever who knows when they're leaving home at this point, probably not until they're 30. But that perfectionist piece, that needing to control the outcome it's it's a trap because you cannot be perfect. There's no such thing. And yeah, it it genuinely does keep us. And the thing with it with the control piece, and I think we were having a really interesting dis discussion about this before because it's so funny how it comes out a lot of the time as trying to control others. Like if a child gets a gift at Christmas that you thought, yep, they're really gonna like this, and then they open it and they're like, eh, and they go and play with something else, and you go, Oh my god, they're so ungrateful. How do I make them more grateful? Well, why why do we why are we putting so much pressure on them to like something that has been given to them? Because again, it seems ungrateful. It seems like they are little shits and they're not grateful for what they've gotten. But they're being honest.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And it's again, I'm not saying it's not a good thing to to cheat to teach them gratitude, but we also don't want to teach them false gratitude. Of like, no, you have to go and say thank you for that gift because of blah blah blah. Like, yes, okay, it's polite to say thank you for the gift, but you don't have to sit there for the next four hours and play with it to to show that you're grateful to grandma. Yeah. But the funny thing with this is that we spend so much time trying to control everybody else's reactions and responses and what everybody else is doing. And I see this so often in my clients. Again, I can think of one particularly that if she's listening, she's gonna laugh at this, she's gonna know exactly who she is. Where we spend so much time trying to control what everybody else is doing so that we don't have to worry about what we can control in ourselves. And a lot of the time when we turn that spotlight around, we go, oh, shit. I'm so busy dolling out advice about how everybody else should be reacting, everybody else should be responding, how everybody else should be grateful. And when I look at myself, it's like I am actually a miserable old hag in that regard.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Like I feel completely like I've I've got all that I ever wanted and I just want to run away from it. But it's like, but I should be grateful, and it's like, okay, but you're not, so why? And this is where that shadow comes in, where we have to accept it. We have to accept that it's there. We have to accept what's right in front of us, we have to accept who our children are, not who we want them to be. And the same goes for us. Where it's like, okay, great, so I've got everything that I should want and I'm not grateful for it, so why? What's what's preventing me from being grateful here? Is it that it doesn't look how wow, this got really deep. Is it that I like it doesn't look how I thought it would look? Or is it that now that I'm here and I've got still got that perfectionist piece coming in, that I can't like it's just a bar, it's another bar that I'm never gonna meet. And I thought that just having the kids would be ha would make me happy, and they do, but also there's all of these other things that are just pressing on that I'm not good enough, I'm not perfect, I forget things, I'm just a shitty person wound. And until we can clear that out, that not good enough piece or that perfectionist piece, kind of very similar, very similar shadows, to be honest. Um we're always gonna really struggle to to want what we want. But by trying to control everybody else, it prevents us from ever having to look at that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And that honestly, like, it's so funny how this is like you were like, oh, it's a train wreck of an episode. But I'm like, I can see you can see the threads, right? We're constantly moving from different shadows. So now we've got control into also the over-responsibility, right? I need to be responsible for how my kids react. I need to be responsible for how my partner reacts, I need to be responsible for all these other emotions. And there's two things that I see happen at this. One, we have this over-responsibility shadow because then we don't have to feel our own emotions. Great for our avoidance out there. And two, you're so worried about how they feel because of what could happen if they were to fully feel that, right? I see this a lot with the people who have the fear of abandonment, right? If I can be responsible for their emotions, and it's probably me that caused that emotion, which is we don't know if that's true or not, and you don't even care if it's true or not, you believe it's true, then I can fix it so they don't leave me.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Right? Because if they leave me, this is what's gonna happen. So you can see that the overwhelm is now starting to spiral again with more over-responsibility, right? I'm gonna think about all of their emotions so that way I don't have to feel my own. When we don't feel our own, it's getting stuck in the body, which is creating capacity builder. Then also let's add on all of the things that I think they're thinking about me, right? They probably think that I'm lazy. They probably think that I'm not good enough. I'm too much. All of these shadows are now starting to rise. Our capacity is now at full.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And also the piece, like as you were saying that, I just want to add on that piece of I don't want my children to experience certain situations that I did. Or I've been taught that I am responsible for everybody else's emotions by words like, and this is why I never ever say this to my kids ever, like you're making me sad, or you made me feel this way. I will say to them, what you're doing is frustrating to me, but my emotion is my problem. Because I do, I do think it's still important to teach them that, you know, their actions do have consequences and their actions will impact other people. But I was watching something this morning and it's kind of like until they're, you know, five to seven-ish, they do think that everything is about them. Yeah, everything is because of them, everything is to do with them, everything is happening to them because they're egocentrical. And because we were raised not to be selfish at this at this age, it is incredibly triggering to us. So it's that piece of you know, you were taught that you're responsible for everybody else's emotions, so now you're trying to keep a toddler happy. Good fucking luck.
SPEAKER_01:Good luck. I'm like laughing because I'm Like once again, not just toddlers. Teenagers too.
SPEAKER_00:Even even like I mean, it's impossible to keep it's impossible to keep anybody happy 100% of the time. And you actually don't get to control other people's emotions. You don't get to control how other people feel. Like you can't do that. You you can't control how you feel. And it's like all of these illusions of control where if I can just be this person, if I can just make sure that I've got the perfect gift, if I can just put on the perfect Christmas, if I can just make sure that I go to every single dance recital, if I can just make sure that I do, like I tick all of these boxes, it's going to mean that that makes them happy. And it's a it's it's an illusion. It's not true.
SPEAKER_03:Because at the end of the day, we could be the perfect mother.
SPEAKER_00:And that child could still have issues with us. That partner could still leave us, that friend could still not want to be friends with us, and it's just it is this illusion of control that if I can do all of these things, that I can control an outcome that I absol actually have no control over. That is not to say that you don't have influence over it, by the way. Yeah. Like, yeah, if you're running around being a fucking cow, you're probably going to upset people. If you're, you know, really selfish in your friendships and you never ever give, yeah, you probably won't keep those friends. If you don't ever try to at least understand and meet some of your partner's needs, they will probably leave you because it's a it's not a reciprocal relationship. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:But you don't have control over half of what you think you do.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and even as you were talking, then it's kind of just like perfect to who? Right? This identity that you're chasing of being perfect, of having everything sorted, that perspective is just from yours, right? Because the perfect mum, maybe to I have three kids, each one of them is gonna have a different version of what a perfect parent is. And honestly, sometimes I think a perfect parent is when I get them all, like they can do whatever they want, right? Like, I know one of my children, she openly admits that she hates being told no. So she's gonna think I'm a horrible person, where I'm like, hang on a second, to me, the the mother that I need to be is the one that keeps them safe. I believe this is what's gonna keep her safe. She doesn't like being told no. So no matter what I do, yeah, it's like no matter what identity that I try to have, it may not align with somebody else's. And also, when it comes to also the shadows, cool, is this identity actually linked with more shadows, right? This perfect mother that we're talking about, well, also are mothers allowed to make mistakes? Are mothers humans and they're allowed to have these big outbursts sometimes? Like it's kind of like, well, is the identity that I'm chasing actually linked to the shadow that's here? That I need to do this in order to be safe, in order to be loved, in order to allow people around me to think that I'm good.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Or is that who I really or is that who I really want to be?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and I think that this is actually like this is again such an important, an important conversation because a lot of the time we actually consider our kids last in this, in this particular piece because they are the lead, they can't they can't leave us. How the fuck are they gonna leave us? Your kid can't leave you. So you can be the absolute worst version and they will still love you because you are their mum. And that is an very uncomfortable but very unfortunate truth, is that a lot of the time our kids do cop the worst of us because they can't leave. It's safe. It is a safe space, and vice versa, right? Like we've all we've all heard it, like you're their safe space, so they come home and they absolutely unleash on you. It's like, yeah, because I'm their mum. Like I know that they're gonna do that. But what we're doing a lot of the time in terms of this perfectionist, in terms of this, what Christmas needs to look like, in terms of what motherhood needs to look like, we're actually looking to society. We're looking outwards to work out what that is. Instead of looking at our kids and going, actually, this is what my child needs. And that specific child, because again, I also have three and they all need different things. So instead of going, like, okay, cool. So child number one in this moment needs this version of me. So, like my middle kid, for example, he has a lot of anger outbursts. And if I try and go and do the time-ins with him where I'm sitting there and like just, you know, just being, being with him, it makes him fucking livid. Oh my god, he hates it so much. He gets so angry and will just scream at me. And so if I'm listening to what everybody else is telling me that I should do in that instance, and how to be the perfect mother and how to not fuck him up, I'm not looking at my kid. I'm not doing what he needs, I'm doing what society is telling me makes me a good mum. And this is the thing. So all of this, this overwhelm. A huge portion of it comes because we are looking to outside influences to tell us what we should be doing to get our rules of society so that we can be a good member of society, a good villager. But we are not considering our village.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And when you can Yeah, I know, right? It hurt me a little bit, hurt my feelings a little bit too. But when you can stop worrying about, you know, the perfect Pinterest Christmas tree, or, you know, like even um fucking I this hurts my feelings, by the way. So I'm just outing myself here. I hate decorating the tree with my kids because I want it to look a certain way, and they are little, and they just put fucking tinsel and shit everywhere, and I'm like, it's not even, and then I have to come and fix it. But even that is taking me out of presence because I'm like, oh my god, my Christmas tree is not gonna look good. Like, who cares? I do, and again, it's okay, it's okay. Like, again, adding myself here, we all have these things, right? But each year I'm getting a little bit better with it. Will I still fix some things after they go to bed? Yes. But even like the ornaments that they bring home from school. Steph, I think you just need your own tree, mate. Maybe. Maybe I just need to do that this year. Just put my own tree in my in my bedroom. Have you seen the thing from Kmart where you can like use the wand to turn the lights on and off? Oh, looks so cool, but uh, it would be dead within a day. But it's that piece of like why does the Christmas tree need to look perfect? What so that I can put it up on Instagram and other people can go, oh my god, look at your tree. Like, that's so nice. Like, but my kids are having fucking fun, and that's the magic of Christmas.
SPEAKER_01:And it's also really nice to have a pre-tree.
SPEAKER_00:It is nice, it is nice, but it's like, again, it's that it's that we're missing that magic because it has to look a certain way. Because our brains are telling us it has to look a certain way, because oh my god, what if someone comes over and sees my fucking tree that's a a mess? Who cares? My kids who should be the most important thing, and we see her going like my kids are the most important thing to me always. But are they really, when we really look at it, when we really look at what we're doing every single day, like even the birthday parties. I was speaking to a client about again, different different client, but she was really like she she got really stressed out about birthday parties. And I was like, babe, all that your kids care about for birthday parties, that their friends are there, that there's cake, and that there's party bags. That is it. They don't care about all of the decorations, all of the like different foods. Half of it doesn't get fucking eaten anyway. But we're slogging ourselves, and same with Christmas, we're slogging ourselves for five days before to make sure that we've got the perfect Instagram-worthy spread. Mate, your kids would probably be fucking happy with like a roast. Like, honestly, they'd probably be fucking happy if you went and got a party mix from coals and shoved that in the middle of the table.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Like, there is so much pressure on us to make it perfect. And yes, as they get older, of course, they're gonna start caring about these things. And I'm not saying like give up on everything that you care about. Like, if you love doing the spread, go nuts. But if it's feeling overwhelming and you're sitting there asking yourself, who am I actually doing this for? Yeah. And the answer is not you or your kids, because they actually care about it, it can go off the list.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. See, this is like as you I'm like laughing because um my little dude, he's having an early birthday because he's a late December baby. So we're doing a late November party and it's Pokemon themed. And yeah, there's lots of little things that I have to do. I actually feel really excited because I have this mindset of like, oh, I finally get to do this. Like, I finally, and I'm like showing him and I'm asking his opinion, and I'm like, oh, this is what like throwing parties gets to be like. It doesn't actually have to be this whole like, what are people gonna think? Are people gonna think that I'm gonna do enough? Is it gonna be fun? And I'm like, okay, well, what do you want for your birthday? So I can make those things easy. They're organized. Now, what are the other things that I can add into it? I'm having the best fucking time.
SPEAKER_00:Um, because it's about him. Because you're considering what he wants, like the things that are gonna make him happy. And that's that's the thing, right? That's where they come in and they're grateful because it's like mum hasn't done all of this shit to impress everybody else. She has done it with me in mind, and like she really knows me.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And that's what kids need.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. It's just like this is where the shadow work comes in, right? Right. Because it's kind of like, cool, okay, we've just spoken about all of these things. How can I actually be in the moment? How can I be present? And it's like, okay, well, what is the intention here? If I weren't to throw this birthday party like I am, what would happen? What would people think of me? And that's how you're gonna get the shadow straight away. Okay, well, isn't she a lazy parent? Oh my goodness, can't believe she did that. It's just getting like one, you've got to notice it. You have to, like, a lot of people just try and do this thing where they're like, no, it's fine, and then they squish it. It's gonna keep coming back. And then there's there's a thread here with this shadow. So what about this makes you feel that you're going to be judged? That you're going to feel unsafe, that it's just not going to be good enough, maybe, right? Because there's going to be a thread. And once you see that thread, you can't unsee it. So um, let's go with the perfectionist, because I feel like that's been a big topic for today. Right? Let's go with the birthday party. There is always that little voice in my head that goes, maybe you should do more. Maybe it would be better if you did this. And it's not about going, okay, well, I'm gonna not even listen to it a little bit. I'm like, cool. Where is it coming from? Right? Yeah, I gotta be honest with you. Some being a mum, I never realized how clicky it was. Like, yeah. And you know, it's just like trying to do things. And I'm like, cool, okay, I noticed that. I noticed that there's a comparison here right now because I feel like I need to do more as a parent. Is that true? Do I actually need to do more as a parent? Or is it that I'm listening to too much shit? Nine times out of ten, I'm listening to too much shit.
unknown:Right?
SPEAKER_01:So then I go, cool. Yeah. Sorry. Continue your thread. Continue your thread. Uh well, once again, maybe forgetful, but the thread that I was going here is like, this is where the outside conditioning comes in. Am I literally looking at too much shit on Instagram? Am I talking to like the wrong people? Am I friends with people just because like sometimes we do become friends with people who we think are better than us because it does feed into things as well, right? Of course I'm inferior. Look at all of my friends, right? So it's kind of like instead of just trying to push it away, it's like noticing and noticing the activation. And also, this is something I do as well. Is it actually fucking true? Now that's a hard pill to swallow because sometimes it is, right? Maybe at the moment I had prioritized business too much and I hadn't been showing up as a parent. Those shadows can also come up to be like, hey, remember this value we have of parenting? Well, you're kind of not sticking to it right now. Yeah. That's what our shadows do as well. It activates us to kind of go, cool, this is like really not a value of ours.
SPEAKER_00:But like also with that value, like maybe I'm not doing the parenting thing well enough because I'm doing business. So now I have to prove to other people that I'm a good mum, so I'm gonna throw this big lavish birthday party. Yeah. And that makes me better. Does it? Does it really if you then like go back to, you know, putting business over the kids all the time and never being present? No, it doesn't. It's an illusion. Yeah. With the perfectionist piece as well, because I think that this will probably be relevant to a lot of people, is you know, the Christmas, the Christmas that you're putting on that you're having at your house that you're putting all of these blood, sweat, and tears in, is that to impress someone like your mother or your mother-in-law or somebody else who's coming to the party where it's like, oh no, that's what's expected and that's what they did, and they're gonna judge me hardcore if I don't and make shitty comments. And so, in doing that, I am so stressed out about what that person is going to say or think about me that I am not able to be present with my kids. And in that case, which matters more? Your ego will say, of course it's the kids, of course it's the kids, but your subconscious and the way you're acting is saying the mother-in-law or the mother.
SPEAKER_01:I feel like this conversation is now how to break a generational Christmas cycle.
SPEAKER_00:I yeah, it's it's becomes it's become a lot bigger than we expected.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, right. Because it's like you're even talking about like, uh, like even the rites of passage, right? The rites of passage for Christmas. You are now the mother, which means that you now take on everything. And because it's been done by generation by generation by generation, there's now also this like unconscious weight that you have to show up like all of your past generations. I can guarantee you, like looking back, I wish my mum wasn't as overwhelmed. I wish that my nan wasn't as overwhelmed.
SPEAKER_00:It passes the overwhelm. Because we're not only passing the Christmas traditions, like the fucking turkey and the roast with all the trimmings or whatever, it's passing that mum has to be overwhelmed on Christmas. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I don't want to do that anymore. So then this is like the big question. If I was to break this tradition, who else am I letting down? All of my past generations, right? Like we're both sitting here going, yeah, cool. Like, yeah, it does have a lot, there's a lot of weight behind that. Even as I'm saying it, I'm like, oh, if I was to break this tradition because it's actually not beneficial to my kids, who else am I letting down?
SPEAKER_03:Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Like, and that sucks. And even I think about as I'm thinking about it, I'm like, uh, you know, always knowing that I was gonna be a mom. I remember being on Christmas, being like, cool, one day I'm gonna do these things. So then I'm like, oh, is there a little version of me that also feels let down if I don't do this?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. It's it sounds like a win-win, doesn't it? Like, oh yeah, break the generational cycles and it's, you know, it'll be great for your kids. But it's this is this is the shadow work. This is shadow work 101, is that there is always some sort of hidden benefit or cost to every single thing that we do. And that's why we keep doing it. Even though we consciously, I want to give my kids a good Christmas and I want to be present and I want to be happy and all of the things. This is why subconsciously we don't allow it. Because we have to break that then identity of being the good daughter. Yeah. And that is fucking hard. It's hard and it hurts, and all of the things, and like that's why it's so hard to break these patterns and to to to move away from these things. Like people say, you know, this is why mindset work is just it's not enough. Because you can sit here and reframe all you like and be like, it's for the kids, it's for the kids, it's for the kids. But if you still got that stuff stored somatically, or you've still got those subconscious beliefs, those, those shadows running the show, you will always snap back. You might do it for this Christmas, but next Christmas you'll be straight back to normal.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Yeah. And this is so hard where especially when it comes to those kind of traditions, is what worked back in 30, 40, 50 years ago, it's probably not gonna work anymore. And like something that's been really hard for me is like I every Christmas go down to my mom and dad's. But sometimes that sucks. Like I love my family dearly, but sometimes it sucks because it means that for Christmas I'm never home. Ever. I've only ever spent one Christmas in Queensland, and that's because I gave birth to my son five days prior. So there was no moving me. That reason. And it and it's hard, and there's a lot of overwhelm that comes with going down to my family because it means that you know, my partner has to work right up until Christmas, so it means he has to do work either remotely or like get clients down there. Then we have my other two kids who like they're gonna be coming down later, and then we have to sort Airbnbs. And I'm like, ah, sometimes it'd be really just lovely to wake up on a Christmas morning. Right? But if you have to organization, yeah, and then like to break that is like there's a little part of me that's like, well, that's home because my mum and dad still live in the same house. I'm like, yeah, but I also don't want to disappoint myself. I don't want to wake up feeling disappointed that I didn't choose to to be with them that day. I also have mad FOMO. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. So yeah. So, but but some but it doesn't, but the other thing is the reason it also is hard is because I come from a general like a family where I'm like the first one in a long time that's like split family. Like my mom, mom and dad are together, my and a pop together, their parents together, together, together, together, together. I'm like my partner has an ex-wife. I have stepkids that I have chosen to raise for the last 10 years and I treat them as my own. So it makes it hard because some Christmases I don't see them.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So it's like cool, it's actually coming into the moment of like, and guys, I'm working on this. I know I just outed myself, but like I'm working on it. But what works now might not always work. And that is the reason. Like, we've spoken about breaking patterns. Well, that's also the reason, right? Because maybe you weren't overwhelmed, and now after years and years and years, you're trying to keep the same pattern because you're like, this is your tradition, this is what we do. It doesn't actually fucking work anymore. And I also know the sad thing is like I'm coming into a weird grief period, which I think we're gonna do an episode as well. My teenagers are becoming adults. So there might be a Christmas that I like there might be multiple Christmases where I don't get to spend with them or birthdays or things.
SPEAKER_00:I want to say, like, I I think about that because like we haven't been, we haven't spent a single Christmas with my husband's family, just simply because of logistics, and it's very expensive to fly at Christmas. Like, we've done Christmases either before or after, but never actual Christmas day. And I'm like, I have two boys. I'm like, is that how it's gonna be when I don't want it to be like you know what I want to be? I this is this is what I want to pass down to my kids, like what you were saying before. I want to make Christmas so fucking fun where I was so in the fucking spirit of it that they're like, of course we're spending Christmas with mum. Like, yeah, Christmas is the funnest thing ever. Yeah. Like, that's what I want to pass down to my kids because I'm just like, I'm I'm happy to have the in-laws as well, as long as they're not assholes. But like, I'm happy, I'm happy to spend Christmas with everybody. I'm happy to have like big Christmases with everybody there. Like, I'm so happy to do that. I will cook, I will do all of the things. I'm so happy to do I'll have whoever. Anybody's welcome. Like that's what I want for Christmas. I just I think it's the togetherness of it. And you know, it can it can also be really difficult to hear things like this when maybe your family is a bit dysfunctional. It is a bit. Toxic. It is like maybe you you don't speak to your parents or you don't speak to siblings or your in-laws don't get along or your kids aren't with you anymore or whatever. Like it can be really, really difficult. And it's not always, again, it's not always within your control. Well, we can go, this is my intention and this is how I want it to be, but it won't always land. And it's not always possible because we are dealing with multiple other people. Yeah. But overwhelm really turned into how to break, yeah, like you said, how to break generational cycles at Christmas. Wow, that got really deep.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And I also think this is something that I would like people to remember is disappointment is allowed. Right. I feel like we create a lot of overwhelm because we don't want others to be disappointed and we don't want ourselves to be disappointed. It's okay to have that feeling. It's okay for other people to have that feeling. It doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. Right. I feel like with overwhelm comes disappointment of just like maybe I just didn't do it. Maybe it just didn't work out the way I wanted to. Maybe you gave it everything you had, and it just still didn't work out the way you wanted it to. And I have to say, just like how we've spoken about anger is an okay emotion, so is disappointment.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So this episode, deep. I feel it. And we just really want to do this episode because we know that a lot, like for us, we see it in our clients, we see it in ourselves, we see it in our friends and family. This time of the year can, I don't know. I feel like it's now started earlier. I feel like mid-October, everyone's just like, oh shit.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You are not alone in this overwhelm. And this period of time can be overwhelming, but I would definitely invite you to look about where am I making it more overwhelming for myself.
SPEAKER_00:Mm-hmm. Yep.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:What beliefs do I have? Are they true? How can I take some things off? Like what's important, what's not important? And I think above all, what's my intention? Because if even if it doesn't work out exactly as you expected or you wanted it to, if the intention was there, you can at least be okay with that. It's like my intention was good and I did everything that I could, and I can't control everybody else's responses or reactions to that. But my intention was good.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Well, we hope you loved this episode and went on the journey with us. And as always, if you love this episode, if you wanted more information on Overwhelm, we can always go more into that because we have plenty of stuff to talk about. And we'd love for you to share this episode with somebody who may need to hear this coming into Christmas. So thank you.