So...we went MIA for a hot minute and here's why

Ever felt deeply grateful for your family and completely overwhelmed by the invisible load at the same time?

In this episode, we come back after a month off the podcast and tell the truth about what was really going on. We talk about default parenting, running flexible businesses, emotional labour, and the quiet resentment that builds when you’re the responsible one holding it all together.

Instead of pretending everything is fine, we unpack what capacity actually looks like in real life. We explore nervous system regulation as something seasonal, not something you master once and wear like a badge. We speak about bare minimum seasons, burnout, and how to keep life moving without abandoning yourself.

We also zoom in on the beliefs shaping your daily reality, especially the story that motherhood is always hard. Rather than forcing positive thinking, we walk through grounded reframes your body can actually trust. This is about creating safety, building evidence, and making small shifts that add up.

Inside this conversation, you’ll hear us name the parts so many women carry:

The Responsible One who needs it perfect.
 The Provider who over-functions to feel worthy.
 The Martyr who gives until nothing is left.

We don’t shame these parts. We understand them. Then we explore how to soften them so you can choose when to step up and when to step back.

We also talk about golden shadows, the strengths we hide like stability, joy, and wins, and why dimming yourself helps no one.

You’ll leave with practical tools you can use immediately:
 – Three priorities that actually get done
 – One good moment to consciously notice each day
 – One request for support each week

If you’ve been carrying everything, this episode will help you set some of it down and decide what truly matters.

If this landed, subscribe, share it with a woman who needs to hear it, and leave a review. Tell us what resonated or what stirred something up. We’re here for the real conversations, not the polished ones.

Reach out to us on Instagram!
Steph is here and Lurinda is here.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to the Shadow Diaries. This isn't a Deer Diary, it's a Deer Shadow.

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Here we are pulling the curtain back to the good, the bad, and the ugly to bring light to those deep inner thoughts and feelings you keep on having but are too ashamed to admit to. To provide a safe space and get radically honest about what's holding you back and what shadow work really is.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

This isn't surface level. It dives deep into your soul to meet it with acceptance and compassion. There is no need to hide. All is welcome. This can be a space where you learn and receive real women, real stories, real shadows.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

This is the Shadow Diaries, and your story starts now.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Welcome back to the Shadow Diaries. And fun fact: this is the first time we are recording in 2026. All of our previous episodes were very organized and done last year. It is now February, and this is the first time. So we thought, how do we kick off 2026? And it's going to be with transparency. And a big theme for Steph and I and all of the clients that we work with is that we tend to be the ones to hold it all together. So this means whether you run a business, whether you don't, you're a mum, you're a carer, you have some form of responsibility, or 20, this is going to be an episode for you because we're not only going to talk about cool, why are we doing that, but our own shadows, our own belief systems, things that we've moved through, and honestly just how the start of our year has been with our capacity. So, Steph, we are now halfway through Feb. One word to sum up how this year has been so far. Well, we're definitely transparent today.

School Holidays, Moves, And Default Parenting

SPEAKER_00 1:52

No, it's yeah, exactly what you said. Obviously, most of my clients are parents of school-aged children. And like I've definitely found with all of them, like every single person that I've spoken to was like, did that lot of school holidays go on for six months? It felt like it. It really did. It felt like the longest time. And this year, I'll be fucking deadly honest with you. I did not enjoy it. I did not enjoy it. I did not enjoy hanging out with my kids the entire time. I did not enjoy having them at home the entire time. I really struggled. And obviously, we moved like the week before school holidays started at the end of last year. Um so that was a lot, and we were still working on moving, like we were still working on getting our old place ready to sell and doing all of the things, and it was just it was a lot. And then, like, my kids are getting to the age now bless themselves, where they just whinge about everything. Or we have to go to the old house to do this. I don't want to, we have to go and do this, I don't want to, and it's like, neither do I. So we're having lots of conversations about sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do, and bad luck. We need to go and do this, and like the quicker we get it done, the quicker it's done, and we can come back and hang out. But like it was, it was really, it was challenging, it was hard, and I just felt like it was a long time, and I felt like I really took my foot off the brake of the pedal rather with my business, and I fucking hate that too. Like, it just felt it felt like a lot.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Felt like a lot.

Duality: Grateful And Frustrated

SPEAKER_00 3:37

And it was a lot, yeah, it was a lot. Like they went back to school for a week, and then this week my middle kid's been off school all week because he had surgery. I was planning on it being maybe a couple of days. It was a full week, and it's like that piece of I am eternally grateful for the fact that I am able to shift things around at very short notice to be here for my kids, that I don't need to, you know, pass them off, that I don't need to worry about sick leave, that I don't need to worry about who's going to have them. I am incredibly fucking grateful for that. And it's always me. Yeah. It's always me that has to shift things because I do do like in my house, I am the default parent, and it makes sense. It does logically, but it does not erase the fact that it is fucking frustrating.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Yeah, that default parent thing is uh pretty brutal sometimes. And like you said, like logically, this is the thing with the work anyway. Like, logically, you're like, yeah, this makes sense. I am the one that has to move things around, but it doesn't actually negate how you feel when that has to happen, right? Like, how often do we have to, even as like women, have to sacrifice things to make sure that everything else gets done or other people need us? And in many ways, we don't always have to be the default. Obviously, when it comes to parenting and the roles of the house, I'm also the default parent. So it's like, oh, I can't really change that, right? It's not something that I can change, but where else am I defaulting into doing everything else? Yeah. And that's a big thing that I see in myself where I'm like, cool, yes, you and I both run businesses that are flexible, which is a blessing and a curse. We have kids, we have all these things, and it's kind of like, cool, where else am I feeling like I have to hold everything, right? You even said that you couldn't even do your business, and that frustrated you, obviously, because that's an outlet. But your capacity, did you actually have capacity for anything else?

Capacity, Nervous Systems, And Seasons

SPEAKER_00 5:39

No, and it's like, yeah, this is I think that this is the hard part, right? Because if I didn't have such a strong mindset, then it would frustrate me even more. Where it's like I can see both sides. It's like I can see that this is a choice and the sacrifice is choice, and that like I love my babies and I would never want to look back at this time and be like I didn't do things the way that I wanted to, and I can also be fucking pissed off about it, where it's like I want to be able to do more, and it's just it is that piece of being aware that you can feel both, like those things do not cancel each other out, and it's having the space for that duality and going yeah, like grateful, and it's fucking frustrating because especially when you come from a space of being a very capable person, and we're gonna get into the shadows of all of this soon, but when you've been a very capable person your entire life, like I've always been the person who can do more than a lot of other people, like I've always been that person, and I think it gets really difficult to be in your head when you are that person, and again, you know, this is the work, we're not sitting here saying that we're fully fucking healed from everything because it's not a thing. But it's like we start to question like, why can't I do all of this? Am I just being lazy? Should I be doing more? Should I be like, even though I'm aware that that is what is going on, that that is the shadow, that that is the pattern, it does not mean that it's not running. Yeah, like this is the ability to notice it and go, oh, okay, I know where those thoughts are coming from. Shut up. Like, that's not we're not thinking that way right now. I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of my attention. But also being aware that, like, yes, it's fucking annoying. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

And those are pissed me off. And this is like, I guess, the trap of the self-awareness, right? Because you're like, cool, I'm aware that like I'm meant to be grateful, but I'm also frustrated. And I need to make room for the frustration, but I can't make room for it now because I need to be grateful because I have flexibility. And then I know that this is a shadow coming out, and I know this is a belief system, but how else am I playing into this? Am I able to like interrupt this pattern right now? Do I even have capacity to interrupt this pattern? And then you're like, why do I not have capacity? Oh, because I I just physically don't. In some seasons, it's not the thing of like, okay, cool, I'm at capacity. How can I create more capacity? That's not that's not the thing, or how do I, you know, make room to be able to do more? It's going, I'm just gonna have to hold this season for a hot minute. And I think that's where people get it wrong, especially when it comes to nervous system regulation. They're like, Yeah, cool, I've been, I'm dysregulated, so I need to go regulate. And I'm like, well, obviously a nervous system doesn't want you to do that right now, so what's the fucking issue? And a resilient, they always say a resilient nervous system is one that comes in and out of regulation and dysregulation, so it's kind of like in this season that you're in, you're like, can't really actively change too much. So I'm gonna have to stay in this season, but how can I ensure that I am holding what is here already without having to add more?

Bare Minimums That Keep Life Moving

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Yeah, I think for me it's been a lot of questioning around is this true or is this like an excuse? Am I giving myself like a an excuse to come off the hook and be like, oh, I don't actually need to work on my business because like I'm being a mum right now. And I'm like, no, no, no, because previously that's what I would have done. I would have been like, oh, it's school holidays though, like I don't have to. And I've been like, no, yes, it is school holidays, yes, it is a lot and all of the things, and I still own my business and my business does not run without me. So what are like I've been working a lot with like the bare minimums. What are the bare minimums across the board that I have to satisfy in order to keep things running? Where it's like, okay, cool, this is what I have to do with the kids, this is what I need to do with the house, this is what I need to do in my relationship, this is what I need to do with my business and for myself and all of the things. And it seems like a lot of fucking baskets, but when you really break it down and go, okay, cool, what what do what actually has to be done? And what am I telling myself has to be done because I'm holding myself to this insanely fucking high standard? Yeah. I think that's where a huge amount of the overwhelm comes from because we want to be fucking good at everything, and that is not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to want to be doing the absolute best in every area of your life. Like that's a beautiful sentiment, and it's an impossible one.

Beliefs Shape Reality In Motherhood

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Yeah, those unrealistic expectations. So funny that you said even bare minimums. I think that's a big theme for even like my family and my clients. So at the start of the year, we actually sat down and did like a goal setting thing as a family. And when we were doing these goals, like, and it's so fucking awesome to have these big goals. I actually say the bigger the better, because obviously you don't want to cap yourself. But what is the bare minimum, like the very bare minimum that you would feel okay with? So, an example, my eldest had a car accident last year, she's been in rehab, and she wants to just really focus on her health this year. And she wants to, she was like, Yep, cool. I want to be able to walk my dog, you know, she's got this cute little dog, like five times a week. And I'm like, Cool, that is that's fucking awesome. I love that. But what about the weeks that you are in pain? The weeks that you don't actually have capacity. What would make you feel like you accomplished that? And she went one walk. And I'm like, perfect. And that's what she's done. I'm like, cool. If you can go cool and be honest with yourself, because obviously you can use there's always that gray area. Cool, am I doing the bare minimum? Because that's just really all I want to do because I'm fucking exhausted, even though you know that doing more would actually be sometimes beneficial for you and your growth. But it's kind of going, cool, where where is actually my capacity if I'm gonna be honest with you? It's here today. I just don't have anything fucking left. I'm over stimulated, I'm overwhelmed. The to-do list seems like this fucking never-ending thing. Honestly, put the to-do list at the bottom and go, cool, what are my must-dos priority for today? And I notice even this must be an ADHD thing because all of my ADHD clients are like, I do this as well. Is I have my big ass to-do list, everything that's in my mind, and I just write things on it as I go, right? Because it's in my head, I go, shit, can't forget that. So I write it down. Then I go, cool, I'm only picking three. Three things that I know 100% I can get done. And the weird thing is, every time I do that and I do those three things, I'm actually able to cross off like eight. Because there's not a pressure to be getting all of this done. I'm allowing myself to go, cool, this is the bare minimum. And if I have more capacity, and I normally do after I get those things done, because it's a nice little dopamine here, and then I get more things done.

Shifting Stories Without Gaslighting Yourself

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I think we we put so much pressure on ourselves as parents. I actually saw a really beautiful TikTok yesterday, I think it was. And it was it was around motherhood, our generation of mothers, and they were like, You are all so fucking deluded that because you think you're doing such a bad job, and they're saying, you are the best generation of mothers that we have ever seen. You are trying so hard to do all of the things to try and be emotionally safe, to try and reparent ourselves, to try and look after our health and our fitness and all of the things, and to try to look after our relationships, try to be better people while also having so much pressure on us in terms of the economy and having to work and all of the things. And he was saying, You are so fucking deluded in the way that you think you are doing a bad job. And I was like, Wow, that it was coming from a dude for one, so I was like, Oh my goodness, can you put this on like all the males FYP is please? But that it's so true because every single parent that I speak to thinks that they're so shit, and it's like, dude, the amount that we hold and the amount that we do, we're trying so much harder and we're we're pioneering a new way of parenting. Like this has not been done before us, it's a new way, and that is scary. Change is scary, and we're working, which wasn't really a thing. Like, I know when we were growing up, my mum was at home, my dad went to work. Like it was very, you know, traditional kind of household, and it's not like that anymore. So we're trying to pave the way, we're trying to work out what the right way to do things is, and plot twist, there is no fucking right way, but you're doing all of that while trying to be a better person as well for your kids. And I think that that just we need to note that we need to say that and to go, yeah, our capacity is fucking reduced because we're actively trying to make change to our subconscious, and that is hard. It's not an easy thing. We are waking up every single day and consciously choosing new choices, consciously choosing things that we were not taught. That's hard work. No wonder we're all so fucking exhausted. And and we can do it. And this is where our bare minimums come in, right? Where we're not trying to make, we're not trying to change who we are overnight because that's not how it works. It's those bare minimums where we show up week after week, day after day, to actively choosing that choice. I choose to look after myself, I choose to not lose my shit at the kids because I'm choosing to stop doing that. I'm choosing to, you know, look after my health, I'm choosing to eat better, I'm choosing to become the type of person who doesn't get sucked in by my patterns, yada yada yada. And then one day you become that by choosing the bare minimums, by doing the bare minimums. And it doesn't seem like much, you know, in the when you're looking at just the day, but when you stretch out to a year, even if you're only walking once a week, that's 52 walks that you would not have done if you'd said, I'm gonna go for seven walks a week, you know, go for fucking eight days, and then a kid gets the flu and you miss it, and then you miss the rest of the year. And read.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

Yeah, and I think also, like you were talking as you're talking, I'm like, oh, I just feel that in my soul about how much we're doing, but also add on to the fact that the mental health industry has changed even in the last decade, right? And so now it's like we're doing all of that, plus also carrying the weight of things that were not actually ours, and that's what I've been noticing a lot as well, of kind of going, cool, I am working on my stuff. And there's also a lot of stuff that I'm holding from you know my childhood, or like, you know, the way my parents raised me, and we're constantly going, cool, I need to make a choice. Am I going to be similar to my parents? Am I going to be the opposite to my parents? How do I actually want to move? How does my partner want to move? So you're like carrying the weight of, especially as a parent, not just your emotions, but you know, your parents' emotions that were there, your partner's emotions, your kids' emotions. Like it's a lot of fucking weight that you're carrying. We're too aware. Yeah, attrap that.

The Responsible One And Letting Standards Slide

SPEAKER_00 17:14

But let's get into the shadows of all of this, of the needing to hold it all together. The shadows and the beliefs, I think, because one belief that I see that I just want to debunk straight up is that motherhood's hard. Yeah. All the time. Always, every single day. It's like, yeah, of course, there is days and there's periods where it's hard. Of course there is. But like, if you like when we're talking about our brains and we're looking the way the way the beliefs work is it's kind of like a filter, and we've got this single confirmation bias. So our brains want to prove themselves right. So if you are sitting there saying, motherhood's so hard, my kids are way harder than everybody else's, like, I have the worst kids, they're so badly behaved, you know, or my relationship is just not where I want it to be. You know, my partner doesn't love me, I am a shitty person, I'm not the type of person who looks after themselves, all of those sorts of things. Your brain is constantly trying to prove yourself right. So you are going to actively look for ways in which motherhood is hard, for ways in which you don't look after yourself, for ways in which your partner is not showing up for you, and you will never see the opposite. So it just further cements that belief. So we really need to look at the things that we're saying to ourselves daily, and this is something that I tell my clients to do when they're trying to make change. I'm like, okay, cool. Well, in that moment where you lose it at your kid about that, or your partner, you lose it at your partner, or you, you know, don't choose not to go for the walk, what's running through your brain? What are you telling yourself? Because like we love the semantics, but your brain's also fucking important. It also gives us a lot of clues. So it's like if you're telling yourself, oh, you know, I don't have time, the kids need me more, someone's gonna be mad with me. That's a really good insight into what beliefs are actually running the show. And the cool thing about our brains is they're plastic and we can fucking change them.

The Provider Shadow And Abandonment Wounds

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Yeah, I think that's such an interesting one because even like I feel like that belief is also not from like from my own perspective, not just from this generation. Like, I remember before even having Logan, like I just remember being like, enjoy this time and like you know, you're never gonna be alone again. And like, you know, Mother's really hard, and it's interesting because like that is just something that I feel like a lot of us kind of default into because it's something that we've heard for so long that it is hard, and there's definitely days where it is extremely hard, and I'm saying that because there are days that I feel like it's extremely hard, but I feel like for that, the question that comes up for me is how much am I missing because of that belief? Yeah, and that was something that I really like before I even stepped into personal development. I remember actively going, I don't want to miss this time. Yes, there there are aspects that are hard because I don't actually know how to do it. Like, honestly, there's no fucking instruction manual. So it's kind of like those days are hard where you're like, am I making the right decision? But it's not that it's hard, it's like that fear of like doing the wrong thing. So if you would unpack that belief even more though, like what is the layer underneath that, right? Is it hard because you don't feel like you have an identity? Is it hard because you're at capacity? Is it hard because they're not sleeping? Right? And then if you kind of like, you know, this is the other side of self-awareness, if you allow yourself to go a little bit deeper, you're kind of like, well, why is motherhood hard? For me, it was because of loneliness. And so I felt that when you're a mother, your entire life is your children, which means that you don't like go out all the time and you don't make time for you. And there was a belief of cool, motherhood is hard. Underneath that is I don't come first.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

Yeah, and that's like that's such a such a deep-rooted belief, and so many of these beliefs are societal patterns where it's you know, it's it's not our belief, like you said, it's just it's everywhere, it's it's woven into the fucking fabric of society where we've just heard it so many times that it's just cemented that in our brains. Yeah, and like it's funny because I see sometimes I saw a post the other day and it was somebody had posted uh on Facebook, I think it was, and they said, Oh, please tell me that this gets easier after the six-week mark. And I was like, Oh my god, like oh my god, if you're not expecting it to be hard for the whole time. But then I was like, but why does it have to be? Like it's just such a new jerk reaction.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

Yeah, both of our faces were like, Oh god, you have no idea what you're in for. Like and that is horrible because we don't want to feel that way, but because I think, you know, but that comes from evidence of us obviously doing it after the six week mark. Because I think back to that six weeks, and I was like, that was. Wonderful. Nobody was giving up you for sitting down. They didn't talk and they didn't move and they were just like little, like my partner calls them like um, they're like pot plants.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Yeah. Yeah. They're like mandrates. I've seen people call them mandates because they called them out.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

The image in my head is hilarious. So it's kind of just like, yeah, it is 100% woven in, and there's nothing wrong. Like, we obviously just picked it up straight away that we were both like, oh, you have no idea. And that's just how unconscious these things are. So it's not about like making yourself wrong when that unconscious belief comes out, but it's kind of like, how can I? This is the thing with patterns and beliefs. Instead of just trying to like throw it in the fucking trash and be like, okay, I'm gonna try and put you in the bin, how can I shift it? Right? Okay, motherhood is hard. Let's like shift it. Motherhood is has hard days and then shift it again. Not every day is a hard day, right? Like, and just keep shifting it till you're like, okay, cool, there's seasons in motherhood. Yeah. Yep. And there is good days and bad days. And I think it's kind of like shifting that belief, just slowly and allowing your body to build more evidence, right? Because this is the other thing that I see. Yes, your point is definitely 100% if you're gonna keep thinking that way, guess what's gonna happen? I even tell my kids that. You tell me it's gonna be a bad day, it's gonna be a bad day. But then you also now need to allow your body and your brain like to connect, right? It's kind of just like, cool, the amount of people that I hear that it's like, it's fine, it's fine, you know, and they try to reframe it, they try to reframe it, but you can actually see their body not believing it.

unknown 23:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

So it's kind of like starting with just like saying, Cool, let's have a more positive thought to this. But what is also the action with that thought, right? Because if you're saying, Oh, motherhood isn't hard as your breath is like gasping for air and you're shaking and your heart is beating, then I don't think that belief is there yet.

SPEAKER_00 24:05

You can't gaslight yourself into this one, folks.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

Oh, I mean, you can try. I can tell you that after doing that, it's not gonna work long-term, short-term gain. Um, but it's kind of going cool looking at the shadows of that and going, what actually, what part of me truly believes that motherhood is hard? And you may find it's different things when I think about it for myself. If it's not hard, am I doing it wrong?

Not Every Shadow Needs Fixing

SPEAKER_00 24:33

Yeah, yeah, because there's so many posts about stuff like that where it's oh, motherhood's only hard for the good mothers. Like bullshit. Bullshit. Or like, but you if it's if it's hard, it's because you care. No, we're just trying to make ourselves feel better. And yes, like you said, that's exactly right. Where it's we're not sitting here and be like, oh my god, motherhood's like the biggest blessing, and I'm just like, it is, but like, you know, oh my god, just every day is just so amazing, and I just absolutely adore it. And I'm sure there's people out there that believe that, and I love that for you. But reality is there's good times and bad times. So, yeah, even if you can't say, okay, there's there's bad days, can you say there's bad moments? But there's also good moments sometimes. Like, can you just break it right down to something believable? Yeah. But it's like, yeah, there are good moments too, and I'm gonna try and look for those. Just like challenge for the day. Can you find one good moment about your day? That's it, just one good moment. You do not need to find any more than that. You don't need to create them. Can you just notice one moment that didn't completely fucking suck?

The Martyr Myth And Taking Up Space

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Yeah. I don't even care if it's got out of bed, if that's where you're in your journey. And that's the thing, you have to be really honest about your journey. I remember in motherhood, I'm like, okay, I got up and I made breakfast. Nice. That was that was a good thing. And then as you move through your journey, it's gonna get easier and easier to find. And you allow yourself, and even if you just take the time to try and find it, even if it was a micro moment or a bigger moment, and this is also something that you can get your kids to do as well. Because I think the best thing about having children is best and worst thing about having children is that they are a mirror. And so if you can see, if they like for me, um, when we go, okay, what was the best part of your day? They'll say something and you're like, huh. Yeah, that was pretty good. Or you get to see it through their eyes and go, well, maybe I can look at it from their eyes tomorrow. Because for me, I thought that was just something basic, but to them it was like extremely awesome. And then nine times out of ten, when you do something extremely awesome for them, they're like, Yeah, I just really liked when you gave me that cardboard box and I got to play with it. And I'm like, Are you fucking serious?

SPEAKER_00 26:51

It's so fucking true. It's like you buy them all these Christmas presents, they play with the fucking soap every time.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Every time, but like kind of moving uh in a little bit more. What are the shadows that you notice in? I'm just gonna call you out because it feels like it, but like what are the shadows that you notice when it comes to being the one who holds it together, being the one who has to do everything?

Permission To Rest And Be Seen

SPEAKER_00 27:16

Definitely responsible. And this is a big one I see in my clients as well, um, where it's like I'm I'm the responsible one. I always have to be serious, I have to remember everything. Like that's on me. And if I forget something, then it means that I'm irresponsible. If I'm like slightly late for school pickup, I'm irresponsible. If I miss a date or a birthday or something, like like not my kids' birthdays, but you know, other stuff like that. Like, I have to be responsible. And if I'm responsible, then it means that I have to have everything together. It means that I have to be organized. So I feel like those two kind of go hand in hand, right? Where it's like responsibility equals organization. So like my house has to be, and like this is how we spiral, right? Like my house has to be spotless, and I have to have the perfect organization's tools, and like my pantry has to be perfectly organized, and there can't be dirt on the floor, and I need to do things as I find them rather than leaving them aside. Thank you, ADHD. Like, I need to have a system for everything because otherwise I forget to do things and it just does spiral like that. So it's this piece of okay, cool. Yes, I do have to be responsible because I am a parent and that is part of my job. Yes. And I am also allowed to be irresponsible sometimes. So with our shadows, and we've spoken about this before, it's not about getting rid of them, it's finding a home for them. So, where can we be a little bit irresponsible sometimes in a way that's not going to implode our fucking lives? I'm not suggesting that you run 20 minutes late for school run. Like, no, let's not do that. But for me, the way that I kind of outlet that is that sometimes I will just sit down and if you follow me on Instagram, you'll know that I've been doing cross stitch. And I will just sit down instead of cleaning my fucking house and I will do cross-stitch because that's what I feel like doing. Is it irresponsible? Yes, because maybe dinner's on the table a little bit late. Is it really that big deal in the grand scheme of things? No, it's really not. It's really not. Like, oh, I might have to, you know, and we've all fucking done there, accidentally like pull a fucking pair of school shorts out of the dirty clothes basket that was worn yesterday because I didn't get around to doing the fucking washing. Do not tell me you've never done it because I will call you up. Same. Example.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

Dirty, and you did you do the sniff test and you're like, they're fine.

SPEAKER_00 29:33

It's fine. But like when we are constantly on ourselves for having to be responsible and missing tiny little things like that, like it's it's so much heavier. It's like, where can you give yourself permission to drop the responsibility a little bit? Even if that is passing things off to your partner and going, okay, cool, I know that if I pass this off, it's not gonna get done as well as what I would do it, but done is better than perfect sometimes. Yeah. Brutal. Now you can do one. Stop calling me out.

Stop Dimming Your Light

SPEAKER_01 30:05

I think for this year, the biggest one that I've noticed, and this is something that I haven't fully integrated, so I'm just gonna like just call myself out, is the provider. Like, so the dynamic in my household, especially because I am still building the business, is that the financial stuff tends to lean more on Matt and I do everything else, and so I compensate because I'm like, I feel like I really don't provide much for this family, so I'll like overcompensate and I'll like try and get everything done and I'll try and do everything. And then I just am like I just forget a lot of the times because I'm thinking so much all the time, and I just kind of like literally have like a notebook next to me, and anytime I think of something and I write it down, but it's like I can see where I'm overcompensating in things because I feel like I need to provide, and then that's kind of like for the last probably I'm gonna say three months has kind of run the show because I tend to be the person that everyone comes to. Obviously, my job kind of helps that, but like apart from my it's like my clients need me, my kids need me, and also the feeling of being needed. Like, I'm providing, so you need me, right? So my kids need me, and then my partner needs me, and these people need me, and I get to feel needed and like I'm providing for them, and I get to provide something in the relationship. But the problem with this that I'm integrating is I don't feel like I'm providing from myself, like I feel like because I've tried to overcompensate, there's a little part of me that is like not being seen, and that's the part of me that's just like I just want to sit the fuck down and not be needed. But the provider part is just like, well, if you're not providing, then what why are you here? kind of thing, and that is brutal, and I understand logically, I'm like, this is stupid, but my entire body is like, you have to keep going, right? And this is why it's not fully integrated in myself of like cool, and that to be honest, really comes from a past experience, once again, calling myself out. So the first part of my relationship with my partner, I had a really severe mental health draw. Like, I didn't get out of bed for six months, I didn't move, I ended up in a mental health hospital. And the one thing that killed me about that that I'm still trying to work through is I wasn't really available to anybody, right? I wasn't able to give anything. I didn't provide financially, I didn't provide love, I didn't provide support. I just felt kind of useless and like unneeded, and like I just don't have the provis, like I just can't provide anything. So it's kind of like that provider into like that useless, what do I actually give to this? And so it's kind of like running the show and that fear of like, don't stop, because last time when you stopped, it spiraled. And I have a lot more self-trust and a lot more foundation, and I'm aware of my mental health more. And I'm trying to build that evidence, but there's something in my body that wants to be like moved of like, well, if you stop, that's gonna happen again. And then what happened last time when that happened? You lost friendships, you lost a relationship, you lost your stepkids. Like there's a lot of loss, and so I feel like the provider comes out of going, cool, keep going, keep providing, because then everyone needs you. And if everyone needs you, no one can leave you. See the little abandonment wound coming out. I was gonna say that, but you got there on your own. Yes, lots of like different pathways, and it kind of always comes into like these deeper wounds that are kind of like have little subcategories almost, but it's just like something that I've clocked in myself, especially over the last six weeks um of you know, school holidays and going back to work and being in the business. I'm like, I'm clocking this, I can see this. And the thing is, sometimes you have capacity to pattern interrupt it and been like, cool, I'm actually not gonna do this, and then sometimes you're like, I just need to keep moving and also allow yourself to kind of go, okay, I'm gonna keep moving, I'm clocking it, and I don't have space, and I'm just gonna keep going and also speak to people about it so that way other people can clock it for me. So that's where I'm at. And I definitely see that in a lot of my own clients because our clients mirror a lot of things of like I just have to provide.

Discernment, Triggers, And Repairing Ruptures

SPEAKER_00 34:26

Yeah. I think it's also important though to note like shadows are not they're not inherently good or bad, right? Like there's not everything needs to be fucking fixed. And it's stuff when it's like when it goes into overdrive like that, where it's a problem. But there are a lot of really, really good things about that as well. So I think we just need to be cautious about oh, this is a bad thing and I need to fix it. Because not always, and sometimes if we fix it and we like completely integrate that shadow, or we completely fucking stop doing that, it's gonna cause a fucking catastrophe. Like, not everything is fucking maladaptive, not everything is a fucking problem. Sometimes we just need to tweak it a little bit where it's like, okay, cool. No, we're not gonna stop providing, we're not gonna stop, you know, doing the things because that does need to be done. And like we said at the start, that is just how our lives are run. That's you know, our partners do do the financial side of things as a general rule, and we kind of, you know, we we provide in a different way, right? Yeah, but that's not going to change realistically. So sometimes it's just not realistic to go, okay, cool, I need to get rid of this. Sometimes it's more realistic to go, yeah, okay, cool. I'm doing a little bit too much of this, so I just need to dial it back.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

Yeah. And I also think the intention of providing, right? Like you said, the thing is with integrating shadows, it allows you to have like more autonomy around it, right? So it's kind of like, cool, of course I'm not gonna not provide. It's kind of going for the last probably like even 12 months. Well, where what has been my intention to provide? Right. And I can feel like when you know, he pays for something, and I'm like, oh god, no, I'll pay you back, like, you know, and it's kind of like coming from that detriment of like, okay, cool, because I'm not providing, it's impacting my self-worth, right? Even though I am providing, and before like 12 months prior, that was something I worked with as well, because it's a lovely looping thing, different layer. And I felt fine with the situation at hand. I felt like, yep, cool, of course, like your career is set, like and I understand where I'm at, where this year I'm like, why am I not further along? Why can't I do this? And it really, for me, it's like kind of integrating it a little bit more and shifting probably some of the shame that I felt in that first part of our relationship to be able to like receive more, but also provide from a place of oh, I want to do this for you. Not that if I don't, then I'm a shit human.

Practical Self-Support On Hard Days

SPEAKER_00 36:57

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I think that probably another big one that I see, and this was definitely in me, is the mara. The I am not a good mum unless I give absolutely all of myself to everybody else. The like, and this comes into like the good girl, it comes into I think just being a girl that was raised in the 80s and 90s and hundreds, thousands, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Um, of you have to be nice, you have to be palatable, you have to, you know, be kind, you have to do things for other people, like all of those sorts of things. And it's now raised, unfortunately, a generation of women, and this is not just our generation, by the way, this is many generations before, of like we need to put ourselves last. We are not allowed to rest, we are not allowed to do things unless everybody else is taken care of first. And I mean, that is it's just it's it's fucking cooled to be brutal. I definitely notice I my my health and fitness has taken a back seat in the last probably six months or so, and I have definitely noticed that I am a worse person when I don't get that space. Unfortunately, life has just kind of been lifing and it is what it is. Yeah. But I also know that like I I need to get back into it because it is beneficial to absolutely everybody, to myself, to my kids, to my husband, to my clients, to everybody. Yeah. Because I'm a fucking miserable bitch when I don't get enough time to myself. I am a miserable bitch when I don't exercise, when I don't eat like all of the things.

SPEAKER_02 38:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:44

And it is this like very, again, it's just woven into the fabric of our fucking society that we have to give everything, that we are not allowed to take time for ourselves. I think coming back into that provider piece as well. Even like even though, even mums who are working full-time still feel this, where it's like, I can't ask other people to look after my kids so that I can go and do things for me. Like I can't ask like it's too much to ask, it's too much to receive. Or, you know, oh, I already work, so it's unfair that my kids don't see me even more while I duck out to a you know 45-minute Pilates class. And it's like the thing, the the way that I to kind of speak to my clients about this, and and this is the work that I did in my head was cool, you duck out for 45 minutes and go do that on a Saturday morning, or you get up and go to the gym at 5.30 in the morning, or whatever works for your family. What version of you do they get after you've had that space? Versus what version do they get if you don't take that 45 minutes and you're then spending the entire day going, Oh, I didn't even get to go and you know do that thing for myself.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

Yeah, because is that quality over quantity?

SPEAKER_00 40:01

Yes, indeed. But so many mums are so resentful because they're like, Oh, but I never get time for myself. Oh, but my partner goes and does this thing three or four times a week and I don't get to her. It's like, well, have you have you spoken to them about it and said, like, hey, I'd really like to go and you know, exercise or go for a you know, a girl's night or whatever? And they're like, oh no, because I because I can't. Why? Oh, because I can't do it, because they're already doing this thing three or four times a week. I'm like, that's grossly fucking unfair. Like again, unless your partner is very, very selfish and does not give a shit about you, which is a much bigger conversation, yeah. They want you to be happy, and I'm sure that they would be willing to forego one night so that you can go instead.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

Like, and this they probably also want a nicer version of you too. My partner is always just like, Can you are you doing anything anytime soon? Yeah, can you go on exercise, please?

SPEAKER_00 40:56

Fuck off.

Closing Reflections And Invites

SPEAKER_01 40:57

Yeah, or yeah, always. It's just like I and the thing is, it's kind of like it's really not about this. Is what I see, they're like, Oh, well, you know, they get to do all the things, and it's kind of like, well, there's jealousy there. Why is there jealousy? It's because you also want to do those things. Why can't you? And this honestly, like, we're not saying this is something that I struggle with as well. I am highly codependent with my children, and it's just because like the belief that kind of runs underneath that is of like motherhood is a choice, and I'm like, so motherhood is a choice, this is my season. This means that my season is, you know, being with them as much as possible. The thing is, and that's something that I catch myself, my children don't get a chance to miss me. Yeah, and so it's something I'm still working with. Like, um, I got invited to go over to Canada by myself, and I was like, No, I love you all, but no, and it's just purely because I just would love to do things with my kids like that. And going away for a night, I'm kind of like, yeah, I still feel a little bit selfish, but it's kind of like, can I feel that and still do the thing and enjoy that? Can I hold that right now? I feel a little bit selfish and taking time for me. That doesn't actually have to go away, right? But I also get to like fill my cup again, and I can guarantee you, if you go out with and I, you know, big thing around connection this year as well. Every person I speak to that is a mum feels the exact same fucking way. And every time you see somebody who feels the exact same way, I feel like it just takes that edge off it of going, oh, oh, it is okay to feel like this. And I'm still gonna do it because they're also here, they feel this way, and they're still living. So it's like, okay, cool, it's allowed to be there, but it doesn't need to be like the knife. Yeah, it can start to shape it like a butter knife, you know.

SPEAKER_00 42:50

I think it's it's also important to be cautious of that though, because sometimes the solidarity will keep you exactly where you are, where it's oh, I'm supposed to feel guilty, or like you know, even worse, you're out on a girl's night and everybody's sitting there talking about how much they miss their kids, and you're like, I don't I'm good actually. Like, yeah, I'm fine. And then you sort of feel guilty and you're like, oh my god, is there something wrong with me? Like, I know I'm definitely that. Like, I know that I'm a much better parent when I'm not around my kids all the time. I am a monster when I am, because like I adore them, but also I am the type of person who recharges by time alone. Yeah, like by time on my own, time to just do what I want to do. I'm also like I like being an adult. I like being able to do adult things, I like being able to have conversations with my friends, to go for a coffee, to go walk around the shops without having to, you know, field 50 million questions. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, of course I love spending time with my children, but I also love being on my own, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 43:53

Yeah, I definitely think that's a big thing. I feel like before motherhood, I really didn't like being by myself, and now I'm like. Like, ah, I really enjoy being by myself.

SPEAKER_00 44:07

That's funny.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

Yes. Is there any? I feel like kind of something that came up for me when you were talking about the martyr as well. And do you feel like this may be a bigger conversation, but do you feel like that's also connected to privilege? In what way? As in, like, so this is something that's been coming up a lot for my clients and for myself of going, cool, I have a really nice life. So I should be able to give back to those who, you know, I shouldn't be whinging, like, you know, I have stability, I have a loving partner, I have healthy kids, and I if I have more in my cup, shouldn't that be going somewhere else? Or maybe I shouldn't be talking about it because I don't want other people to feel guilty. So this is obviously the other side of shadow work that we haven't really dabbled into much, but I feel like this is where a lot of my clients are sitting, is like denying their like golden shadows.

SPEAKER_00 44:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 45:00

Right? Denying their, you know, their visibility and their success and their stability. For me, I am in a really lovely, stable place right now, and I just don't want to share it. Yeah. And I'm like, and I don't want other people to feel bad. I don't, you know, when you, I don't know if you've had that feeling where you're hearing somebody talk about their relationship and how they're going through a really rough patch, and you're like, don't say anything. And they're like, How are you? And you're like, Yeah, you know, just fine. Even though you're like, Yeah, my partner and I had this amazing weekend, and you know, the kids are fucking awesome. And you're like, start dimming your own light because you feel like it's unfair and that you're privileged in this lifetime.

SPEAKER_00 45:39

Definitely. And I think it's you know, there's a saying, your broken or somebody else's broken leg doesn't make your broken toe hurt any less, which I love because it's like by by taking that train of thought, and it's a it's a very common one because you know, the whole like, oh, there's starving children in Africa, somebody else is always worse off, you know, those sorts of sayings that go around that definitely went around when we were kids, it could be worse, blah blah blah. It's like, yeah, it could be worse, but also I'm entitled to the way that I feel. And yeah, definitely like we're sitting here, and like I said earlier, incredibly privileged for the fact that I am able to be at home with my kids when they're sick, when they're on school holidays, like I don't have to rely on care. And also that that isn't necessarily like everything has its pros and cons. Absolutely everything has its pros and cons. And to try to wipe out, like it's like toxic positivity. It's like trying to wipe out all the cons by oh, well, at least, you know, at least my partner like actually loves me. I'm sorry, like that's bare that's bare minimum. That's what that's what you deserve. That's not a you know, oh, at least my partner's nice to me. Like, what? What do you mean? Yeah, no, you can still like, yeah, okay, cool, they love you, and you can still want them to help you more around the house, or and you can still want them to notice you, you can still want them to appreciate you, you can still want things just because you have this, it doesn't mean that you don't want or need other things.

SPEAKER_01 47:04

Yeah. I think as you were talking, the drop-in for me was like around yeah, I did hear the starving kids in Africa thing as a child, and I'm like, so do you want the rest of the world's collective energy to be shit as well? So then I'm kind of like, you know, when you're around those people who fill your cup and then around those people who like take away from your cup and you love them dearly, but you're like, you're just so negative, I kind of think about that of going, cool, yes, I am privileged, but if I allowed myself to just be happy with what I have and listen to those who don't have that right now and just be the space because nine times out of ten, they don't actually want you to fix them, they just want to vent. If I can, you know, allow my energy to be stable and happy, isn't that actually just kind of raising the collective energy as well?

unknown 47:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:53

I don't know, that was a really random thought that came into my head of like, why are we allowing the rest of the earth to go below? Like you're bringing your energy down. It's like that tall poppy syndrome for Australia, like, you know, you can't be successful because someone's gonna cut your legs off. So it's kind of like, let's just stay here. And this is obviously like once you get further into your journey, this is where I think a lot of the growth stalls because you're like, I've done a lot of integration of like, you know, the dark shadows, but I haven't allowed myself to actually feel the good things and like openly share them. So I think that's a big thing. And I also find that in motherhood, you know, when I feel like you go to school, I do drop-off every morning, you go into school, and there's always a couple of people whinging. And you just walk out and you feel more drained, and you're like, okay, well, maybe my kids, you know, they're really good and I shouldn't whinge about motherhood. But then if they're whinging about motherhood, what's what's wrong with me? And it kind of comes back to that loop that we were talking about of like motherhood needs to be hard.

SPEAKER_00 48:55

Yeah, and I think it's also that piece of wanting to fit in, right? Where it's, you know, everybody's talking about how hard motherhood are, and you're sitting there like, I actually don't really find it that difficult. And they're all gonna look at you like you're insane. But the problem is, is like you'll repel the people that don't want to believe that, but you also then give like a glimmer of hope to the people that don't want to believe it, to the people who are like, you know, oh, maybe I maybe I don't want to be like that. And it's why I get a lot of really weird comments on, especially over on my TikTok, because I've obviously a much bigger platform over there, but of people being like, oh, you know, but yeah, but my kids are assholes, but this, but that, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, okay, that's great. You want to believe that, that's fine. I'm not speaking to you. I'm speaking to the people who don't want to be yelling at their kids, who don't want to feel like debilitating rage every single day. And if you if you're saying things like that, you are gonna piss some people off. I piss people off daily, but I also give that glimmer of hope to the people who don't want to be like that, and for me, that's enough. So it's like, how is dimming your light encouraging other people to also dim theirs? How is you not saying, actually, this is what I think or this is what I feel or this is my truth? It doesn't have to be your truth, but this is my truth. How is that then giving people like that? Oh, I can do it. If she can do it, then why can't I? Like maybe it is possible. And that's why we talk about these things so much. It's why it's so important for us to talk about our struggles, but also when we've overcome them. Like some so many people are so happy to sit and struggle and to talk about the struggle, but they don't want to talk about the good things, and there's vice versa as well. But like we need both. We need, oh, I was struggling with this, and this is how I overcame it. Like, I used to struggle with this. This used to be something that I felt was really hard, and now I don't. And this is a big reason that we do this podcast, because we want you guys to know that there's better for you out there. Like, you don't have to accept uh shitty fucking standards, you don't have to accept shitty fucking people. You also don't have to accept the shitty version of you. Like, because we do this to ourselves as well, right? Like, oh, you know, like the bare minimum thing, going back to the bare minimum thing, it's like it's great for the days when you don't have the capacity, but where are you using that were the days where you actually do have the fucking space to do it? But you're like, no, no, this is just the bare minimum that I have to do. Like, we don't want bare minimum for you, we want better for you.

SPEAKER_01 51:13

Yeah, I love that. And that this is the thing, it's always like hard to have these conversations and give advice because you're like, yeah, but there's duality to this, right? Like, have the days where it is bare minimum, and then kind of like, where are you using it? So it's like, I think at the end of the day, the intention with all of our podcasts, discernment, right? Do I actually have capacity? I'm afraid of what's gonna happen if I do more or if I do better for myself, and like transparency. Okay, you have to be transparent with where you're at, and like take you don't need to like have that knee-jerk reaction and go, this is what I'm feeling, and this is what it is. Like, take a minute with yourself and go, okay, cool, layer deeper. Do I actually have capacity? Right? Be really transparent. And what is the reason that I don't have capacity? Is it because I just had a really hard conversation with somebody and that made me feel like shit? And what can I do for the next couple of minutes to allow myself just go, yep, that was shit, and then move on? And that's mainly for my anxious attachment gals who will ruminate and ruminate and ruminate. And you're kind of like, cool, like I literally had a situation happen two weeks ago, um, and it was with a client, and we were kind of moving through some things, and there was a potential like rupture in the energy just because the the wording came across a little bit differently, and a part of her got really triggered by it. And I we finished the session and I was like, oh, that energy was shit. And my anxious attachment was like, all I want to do is message her all day and try and get on her and call right now so I can talk to her about it. And then when we came back on the call, it wasn't actually anything to do with me. It was like, cool, this part got activated because of a past experience. But if I had tried to go into that and made it about myself, then a rupture would have been bigger, and then I would have spent the last two weeks like dying inside. So it was a couple of days of going, you and for me, I was like, I know that this wasn't actually me. You could wit, like I watched it, and so the logical part of my brain is going, no, but the anxious part of me is like, we don't like ruptures. What happens when things rupture? So it's kind of like, cool, take a minute when you're making these decisions for yourself and in your day, going, cool, is it that I don't have capacity, or is it I'm afraid of something? For me, it was afraid of you know hurting somebody's feelings. I don't like being the villain. And then you're gonna go a little deeper and you're like, okay, cool, but I know I'm not. I feel good in myself. I may be the villain, who knows? But I can't do anything about it right now. But what can I do to support myself through this? So for the mums who are like, yeah, today's fucking hard. Say it once and then go, what am I gonna do about it? Okay, today is fucking hard. What am I gonna do about it? Okay, nine times out of ten, especially with your kids when they have meltdowns, tantrums, all of the things, there's actually nothing you can do because you have to let them nine times out of ten finish the fucking loop for themselves. So it's kind of going while they're having a tantrum, is it that I just don't, I'm overstimulated by the noise? Is it that I feel like I've done something wrong? Is it that you know this is reaffirming the belief that motherhood is hard and is just gonna be forever? Because I feel like when you're in that that zone, you're like, this season's gonna go on forever and I'm never gonna get out of it, and I'm never gonna know who the fuck I am. So it's kind of like take that step out of the situation. And Steph playing with her dogs.

SPEAKER_00 54:28

No, it's it's my kid. Your kid. The kid and the dog are under the desk. Yeah, no, absolutely. And I think, yeah, there's always that duality. There's always, you know, there's we could go on and on and on, adding more nuance and more context and all of the things. But I think we probably leave it there. I think this has hopefully been enough. I I think that there's been enough in here to sort of maybe make you start to kind of question the way that you're thinking and just those subconscious beliefs that you don't even maybe realize are running the show, those subconscious pieces. Um, as always, if you have loved this episode, if it has triggered you in some way, we're always happy to hear from you. Um, our inboxes are always open if you want to chat more, if you like want more context, we're always so happy to share that. Um, we always appreciate reviews and shares and all of the things because it helps us to reach more people. And we will see you in the next episode. Your story does not end here. Permission granted to keep fucking up and figuring it out.

SPEAKER_01 55:36

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SPEAKER_00 55:48

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