Two Neuro-Spicy Women - Two Completely Different Journey's

In this episode, Steph and Lurinda share their personal ADHD journeys, and they don’t fit into neat, inspirational narratives.

One experience of medication increased productivity but felt like it muted joy and personality.
The other created rare calm, spaciousness, and the ability to actually choose instead of react.

We talk openly about ADHD in women, masking, late diagnosis, misdiagnosis, and the stigma that still surrounds medication. This isn’t about being pro or anti. It’s about honesty. Medication can be an assist, not an identity. A tool, not a personality trait.

We unpack rejection sensitivity, emotional overwhelm, and what emotional regulation actually looks like when you’re navigating ADHD alongside business, motherhood, and partnership.

You’ll hear us explore:

• ADHD in women and the cost of masking
 • Medication as support, not a label
 • RSD, shame spirals, and nervous system regulation
 • Systems that actually stick: whiteboards, zones, shared calendars
 • Somatic tools for when talk therapy isn’t landing
 • PMDD, menstrual cycles, and planning around capacity
 • Using data without becoming the diagnosis
 • Joy, humour, and sustainable dopamine
 • Bare minimums for food, water, and movement
 • Weekly check-ins to protect relationships instead of burning them down

This is a conversation about self-trust. About experimenting. About letting your life be customised instead of copied.

If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re broken, too much, too sensitive, too inconsistent, this episode will meet you in that space and gently widen it.

Subscribe for more conversations that stretch you in the best way.
Send this to someone who needs to hear they’re not failing, they’re navigating.
And tell us what came up for you. The honest reflections are our favourite.

Reach out to us on Instagram!
Steph is here and Lurinda is here.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to the Shadow Diaries. This isn't a Deer Diary, it's a Deer Shadow. Here we are pulling the curtain back to the good, the bad, and the ugly to bring light to those deep inner thoughts and feelings you keep on having but are too ashamed to admit to. To provide a safe space and get radically honest about what's holding you back and what shadow work really is.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

This isn't surface level. It dives deep into your soul to meet it with acceptance and compassion. There is no need to hide. All is welcome. This can be a space where you learn and receive real women, real stories, real shadows.

ADHD Becomes Today’s Focus

Not Medical Advice, Just Lived Experience

Diagnosis And First Medication Trials

Productivity Without Joy And Coming Off Meds

SPEAKER_01 0:34

This is the Shadow Diaries, and your story starts now. Welcome back to another episode of Shadow Diaries. Today we wanted to talk about our experiences with our ADHD journeys. And I've joked a lot about this on the podcast. Guess who finally got diagnosed? Just want to preface this episode by saying this is not medical advice. We are not medical health professionals. This is just purely our experience with our journeys with what we've done. And if you think that you may have ADHD, if you do have it and you're being medicated or you're managing or whatever, please go and speak to your particular medical professional or whoever you feel that you need to speak to. But again, this is not any type of medical thing. Sorry. Yes, like I said, I've joked a lot about this whole thing. We joke a lot about my ADHD. And I finally took the steps and got diagnosed last July. So what seven, eight months ago now. And I decided to give medication a crack. So I tried both Vivance and Dexamphetamine. And like for me, it definitely helped in some regards, but I had a very different experience than what Lorinda did. And we thought that it would be a really good, this is a really good, well-rounded chat of like what can happen based off of again our experience. So I found for me that I I have decided to come off of it. And the reason for that is that I started to feel I started to feel really depressed. I started to feel like I was, I just lost my sparkle. I'd lost all motivation. Like I could do things, I was productive. Like if I had a to-do list, I could do that like nobody's business, which I struggle with as a general rule. But there was just no joy. Like I'm I wanted to burn my business to the ground. I just didn't want to do anything. I just I could do things, but I just had no motivation or no no like zest for life, if you will. So for me, like I was I just found like I felt very dulled and I didn't like that feeling because I feel like part of part of what makes me me is that I have an enormous personality. Like I'm never I know, I know. Like I'm very passionate, I'm very opinionated, like I like to do a lot of different things, I find joy in doing a lot of different things, and I just found that I I'd lost that. I didn't want to speak to anybody, I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to build anything, I just didn't want to do stuff. And for me, that was just not it was too big a con for me to enjoy the productivity side of things.

unknown 3:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

I think if we were to take a step back as well, like obviously they got you got to a point where you're like, you know what, I do need to get diagnosed and you know, see what it is, and then try this medication. So I guess for me the question is cool, what led you to that moment of going, you know what, something needs to change, or I want to go down that path and at least try it.

Stigma, Labels, And Personal Responsibility

SPEAKER_01 4:03

What a great question that I probably should have started with. Um, I mean, obviously, I had suspected for quite some time. Um, just like there was there was a lot of science there. And the reason for me was I believe in the data. I believe in knowing things rather than just guessing. I believe that the more that I know about myself, that like the knowledge is power, and that like it just kind of helps me to understand myself better. And for me, it was never about cool, now I've got a label so I can be a chaotic, forgetful fuck who never does anything and who can't get anything done and who just basically fucking wings it through life or whatever, or like you know, there's a huge amount of this, and I see it, I see it a lot, like, oh, I can't emotionally regulate because I have ADHD. Like, I can't get things done because I have ADHD. I can't do this because I am like, fuck that. I've always been the type where I'm like, okay, cool, what can I get done despite this? Okay, cool, that makes it harder. So, like, we love a challenge. For me, it was never about being able to just like kind of throw my hands up and be like, oh yeah, well, okay, like I can't do it. It was like, is this actually a thing? Is it in my head? Do I need to just kind of move on or is it is it there? It was there. And so, like, then I've done a lot of reading about it, I've done a lot of consuming content about it, um, which you know, obviously you do need to take that with a grain of salt always, because there's a lot of people talking about it that maybe shouldn't be, or maybe aren't necessarily cool, or maybe like are doing episodes like this where it's just our personal experience and they're kind of putting that onto everybody. Um I've lost my train of thought. A VHD 101.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

Yeah, it's kind of just like you wanted the data for you. It was like, cool, how do I actually work? Because that's the thing that what I'm hearing is like, cool. Also, the more you know this yourself, the more you can be aware of those things, and how can you actually make life easier? Yes, there'll be times where yes, it is more challenging because of the neurodivergence, but what how what can you test out in your life to actually make it easier for you and the way that your brain works?

RSD, Overwhelm, And Scaffolding Life

Zones, Routines, And Beating Decision Fatigue

SPEAKER_01 6:26

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's like I've always very much believed in I guess I guess it's probably like there's probably shadow pieces here where I've always seen myself as a very strong and resilient person, and I've always seen myself as like the battler. Like, you know, even when things are harder, I I kind of I battle. I don't just I don't just roll over. And so for me, it's it's probably really exacerbating that um we we love our we love our awareness, but it is, it's like I can do this despite that. Yeah, and I don't necessarily think that that's a bad quality to have. Like for me, it's not, it's not a big enough problem for me to want to get rid of it because I think it does it does do me well. Um but like also needing to be aware of the fact it's like where am I making things hard so that I can battle? Where am I making things harder so that I can overcome it? Because I have definitely been guilty of that before. Um, so we're on a we're on a bit of a trying to simplify things at the moment because I do have a tendency to overcomplicate. Um but yeah, it is it is all about that data and being aware of like, okay, cool. The symptoms say that I could experience these things. Do I experience them? Yes, some of them I do. So how can I scaffold? How can I put things in place in my life to help me to not, you know, like fall victim to that essentially. Um like you know, anybody who has the ADHD knows about like RSD, the what is it, rejection sensitivity. Yeah, yeah. Um, so like we don't like being rejected. I can definitely say that's true for me, but also like it's true for humans to not want to be rejected. It's just kind of heightened. So I go, okay, great. I know that I don't like being rejected, which then obviously bleeds into my friendships, it bleeds into my business, it bleeds into spaces because I try to be nice, I try to be palatable so that I'm not too much for people, so that I don't offend them, so that they don't reject me. Great, okay, cool. I know that I do that. So how can I kind of bust out of that despite the fact that my brain doesn't like it? Okay, great. I know that I struggle with, you know, overwhelm. I get very easily overwhelmed. I wouldn't necessarily say that executive dysfunction, like I've like, yeah, it's it's it's hard to get things done, but I would say for me, I I I identify more with it being overwhelm. But it's like I've got all of these things to do and I don't know where to start. So I'm like, okay, cool. How can I put systems in place so that I don't actually have the choice? So it's like I I fully believe that the reason that it took me so long and the reason that I was so fine in childhood is because my mum is very fucking like routine. This is what we're doing, like very stable in that regard. And I think that she really set me up for a lot of success in that regard. Plus the fact that I was really good at school, so nobody really ever picked it up. I just would like to talk. Um and you know, start things and not finish them. But I'm like, okay, great. So I struggle with the overwhelm of knowing what to do. So what can I put in place? And for me, I'm very I like to look at these things very logically and try and break them down because I get very overwhelmed when I look at the whole picture. So it's like, okay, cleaning my house. Can I separate that into zones? Where it's like on Monday, I clean the kitchen and that's it. Like, no, we're not swapping the fucking kitchen for the office today. No, we're not just gonna do the bathroom because we feel like doing the bathroom because we're doing the like the kitchen today. And that's I think a big, a big part of the of ADHD as well, is that some days we don't want to do anything, and then some days we would literally power clean the entire fucking house. And that in itself is like having zones like that or having things that you're focusing on like that is a discipline in itself because it's you know, once you get started sometimes, like, oh, I just want to keep on going, but there's other things to do, so it's not always it's not always possible. And then, like, I don't know about you, Rin, but then I'll beat myself up for the fact that I managed to get the entire house cleaned in like three hours the other day because I was just so in the zone, but now I can barely manage to wipe the benches down, and it's like, what is wrong with me? And it's like there's nothing wrong, it's just that you know, yeah, it's it's that constant like roller coaster of dopamine sort of thing. So it's okay, great, how can we even this out? And how can we go? I don't want to start this, but that's actually what we said we were gonna do. So that's what we're gonna go and do. Yeah. For me, it's been a lot of treating myself like a fucking toddler, if I'm being honest.

Whiteboards, Reparenting, And Focus Tools

Toolboxes, Imposter Syndrome, And Fit

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Yeah, and you catch yourself all the time. Like even this morning, I was just like writing out my new whiteboard because I'm definitely more of a visual person. If I can see it in front of me, then I know it's happening. So I was just writing down my clients and their calls, and I could feel myself being remembering things and going, oh, let me do this. And I'm like, Lorinda, go down the list. And I actually had to bring myself like four or five times back because I'm like, this actually needs to be done. This is what I'm focused on. Please finish this task. And like you do have to like reparent yourself to come back, and it's just like, okay, cool, just a reminder, you gotta come back. Don't open any more tabs, write it down. If it's really that important, write it down. And that's what I did. I wrote down the things that I was trying to do in between this, and then I'll just go back to them and do them later. And so it's just like, cool. The thing is, what works right now probably is not gonna work in six months' time, which is really fucking annoying. It's like, you know, when you have a baby and you're like, yeah, this routine is now like solid, and they go through a leaf or a development stage, and you're like, and that whole plan is out the window. That's pretty much how I feel around ADHD. Like, works right now, and it's probably not gonna work in six months, but how can I utilize it now while it's here?

Lorinda’s Unusual Path To Diagnosis

SPEAKER_01 12:17

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And there's I think it's for me, it's about having as many tools in my arsenal, and this is, I think, why like it's it's a superpower in this regard, in that I know that one thing doesn't always work for me. And you know, the things that work for everybody else just don't work for me. So I think it's why I have put so much effort into adding to my toolbox, or you know, partly that, partly also the fact that, you know, I'm you know, imposter syndrome is high and I don't feel like I'm worthy enough unless I've got all of these fucking qualifications and all of the things, but let's not talk about that. Um but like I have so many tools in my arsenal, and I think it's why I'm so good at being able to spot things like that in people, because it's like I know what it feels like for somebody to go, oh my god, this changed my life, and to get into things and go, it didn't change mine. Yeah, like the medication side of things. I've heard so many people say this was life-changing for me, this allowed me to do all of these positive things, and while yes, it did for me, it it was not life-changing in a good way. Yeah, and like again, that is purely my experience. I wanted to try medication for me, I wasn't trying it because you know everybody said that I should. I was just wanting to try it to see how it affected me, and that was what I gleaned from it. Yeah, but whereas Lorinda, she loves it, yeah.

Trauma Links, Misdiagnosis, And Psychiatry

Finding Relief On Dexamphetamine

Space Between Thought And Action

SPEAKER_00 13:45

I think my journey was also like this is the thing, talk openly talking about this because everyone's journey is so different, and I have to admit, my journey to getting diagnosed was, I would say, unusual. I haven't really heard of anyone kind of going down this path, but essentially, like my journey, I was fairly in denial for a long time. Um, once again, if you kind of look at the history of a lot of women, it's like, yeah, it wasn't, you know, I was fairly smart at school, I was doing the things like wearing the mask, gone about it honestly in my head 90% of the time. Let's be real, 99% of the time, like just kind of overthinking and catastrophizing and all of the things. And the thing with ADHD is, and this I got told by the my psychiatrist was uh, and this is also the thing, if you're gonna go down the path getting diagnosed, majority of the time, obviously Queensland's changing some rules, but majority of the time you have to get diagnosed by a psychiatrist to get medicated. When I I'm gonna jump a little bit, but when I met my psychiatrist, he kind of was just very blunt. Like, psychiatrists are not there to hold your hands, they're very honest, and they're like, Look, um, I want you to tell me about really all the traumatic things in your life. And I was like, Oh, get on, here we go. And so I was just honest with him. But I'd been in uh therapy and done some work, so I was like, you know what, I can just detach from this for a moment. And I was just telling him, and he said to me, Yeah, honestly, um, ADHD and trauma are highly linked because ADHD people tend to put themselves unconsciously in situations that could potentially traumatize them. So like they're linked to higher trauma, which is very hard as well, because obviously trauma res uh trauma symptoms and like PTSD and ADHD symptoms are very similar. But it's like a lot of people who have ADHD do have some form of PTSD because they will unconsciously, you know, have impulses and go into those higher situations that require higher dopamine and adrenaline. And I was like, you're telling literally my face was like, you're fucking telling me that I actually could have avoided all of that. And I was just like, let's be honest, I probably couldn't have, but that's just what happened. But the reason I'm saying that is because for me, I was diagnosed with anxiety and with depression, I was hospitalized for anxiety with depression, I had been on antidepressants, I had done the medication thing, done a lot of things, and my mental health was just honestly fucking shit. And the thing with that is I feel like my case was so misdiagnosed for so long because ADHD, obviously, overthinking, rumination, over like overwhelm, capacity, over you know, overstimulation leads to more anxiety. It can lead to depression. And for me, I just like denied it the whole time. And I decided after the antidepressants that I wouldn't, I don't want to go on medication because honestly, being on antidepressants made me even fucking crazier. And so I just remember like for me, I remember like standing in my house just trying to get shit done, and Matt looks at me and he goes, I love you so much, but I need you to go and speak to your psychologist about ADHD. And I went, What are you even talking about? And there's like a house full of chaos and unfinished projects because for Matt, he's fairly like structured and organized, and he was just like watching me get overstimulated all the time, and I would forget things and I would start things, and I just would just like go zero to a hundred. Like there was no middle ground for my regulation. I was either regulated or I was dysregulated, like there was no coming back in, it was really hard. And the thing is, I was in personal development by this stage, and I was doing the regulation, and I was doing the you know capacity and the shadow work and all of that, and I'm like, why the fuck am I still like like stressed? And so I went to my psychologist because um you can also go to your psychologist. It's changed again, but it was meant to be you go to your psychologist for a year and they can do the assessment for you, right? So she did the assessment when I walked in. I said, Look, Matt wants me to like, and we were best buds, I swear. Matt wants me to do this, like, you know, ADHD thing. And she's like, Oh, we're finally gonna talk about it. And I was looked at her like, what? And she goes, I actually mentioned this in one of our first sessions. So I think we've been seeing it like doing therapy for like two years. She's like, I actually mentioned this in one of your first sessions, and you said, No, that's not the case, and then avoided it. And so she's like, I had to let you do that journey yourself. And I was like, Okay, and then she's like, Look, legally, I have to let you answer them, but the thing is, I know when you're lying to me, so because she knew me so well, so she's doing these questions, and she'd look at me and I'm like, Yep, yep, yep. And I was as she was doing that, I'm like, is this a thing or am I gaslighting myself to be a thing?

SPEAKER_01 18:35

I have heard that, like, that's so common, so common.

Meds Assist, Systems Sustain

Housework, Kids, And Season-Based Strategies

Dopamine By Design: Audiobooks And Crafts

SPEAKER_00 18:40

I was just like, no, maybe it's really not that bad. Maybe it's really not that bad. And the problem is, is like I'm looking at her at her and I'm asking these questions, and she's just like just kind of mirroring things back. She wasn't giving me any answers, but just like asking the question again. And I'd be like, Yeah, I do that, but like, like like, but what percentage of that question, right? You're telling me, is it 90% of the time? Is it 50% of the time? Like, what is it? Like these questions aren't actually intellectualizing. I was just like, whatever. And the problem, like the thing at that time as well, is I actually went through a traumatic experience um around the similar time of going through this, starting this process, and I had been um like I had acute stress disorder um that my GP had kind of helped me through. And he said to me, because I had, you know, a lot of history with anxiety with depression and the acute stress disorder, like they ended up finding, ended up finding a psychiatrist that didn't really have a wait list, and you know, he got to see me free for the first session, which I just don't fucking hear about. Like, I also didn't want to do this because some of my old PT clients went and done it, and they said they spent thousands of dollars. And I'm like, I don't want to really do that, like, whatever. I remember walking with a psychiatrist and walking out with the diagnosis. Like a lot of people have to do multiple sessions, and he's just like, You've been with your psychologist for two years, you know, this I can see the history, you're telling me all of these things, like the next step is you trial this medication. And I just felt like I had already moved through a lot of stuff around medication because obviously I didn't want to go on antidepressants, but I was just like, Okay, having medication isn't actually a bad thing. This is what I hear a lot of people like, well, I don't want to have medication because I don't want to stay on medication forever. By that point, my brain had gone, okay, well, diabetics need their medication. My brain just functions slightly different, so is this actually it's not going to, you know, duplicate a version of me, it's just going to assist me. So I came into that mindset of cool, I'm happy to trial the medication to assist me. It can't take over me, but it can assist me. So I went on dexamphetamine, and the first couple of days were a bit riff. Um, I felt oh, I was a kite for a little bit. But I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I could actually breathe. And that was a weird feeling because I'm like, it kind of made me realize when was the last time that I felt like I could breathe without stress? And it wasn't, didn't change who I was as a person, didn't really dull anything down. It kind of almost felt like I had between the thought and the action, normally in my world it was like thought, action, thought, action, thought, action. Where now it's like thought, space, choosing an action. Because I was highly reactive and I would be frustrated and I would just be overstimulated, and I would just be constantly at capacity. Where now I'm kind of like, okay, cool, I can have a thought. Is this a true thought? And then I can move through it. And I noticed that I'm able to like kind of regulate a little bit quicker with my kids and in situations, and I'm actually able to see things clearly. So it's like almost like There's just extra space in my capacity, right? Like that I had a small capacity where I would get overstimulated and it's just added a little bit more. I wouldn't say that it's completely changed my identity, but it has changed my life because I'm able to go cool as space to find who I am now. If that makes sense.

Bare Minimums, Food, Movement, And Care

Masking, Hypervigilance, And Superpowers

PMDD, Cycles, And Pattern Tracking

SPEAKER_01 22:24

Yeah, and I think you made a really important point just then. Where it's not to take over, it's to assist. Yeah. And a lot of people potentially do go into the psychiatrist's office wanting to try medication because it's going to be life-changing and it's going to completely change who they are. And that's really not the case. I have definitely met people who have been on medication and they're still just as chaotic and they're still just as, you know, like there's still so much going on. And I think it's really important that if you whether or not you choose to try medication or you don't, like everybody has different experiences. And I fully encourage you to go and explore your journey, not somebody else's. But we also need to create those, like use the space to create the systems to help to support you. Where we know that maybe it might be trickier for you to do things like keep on top of the housework or remember all of the kids' shit or whatever. So what can we do to support it? And there's so much information online. It's almost too much, it's almost overwhelming. Um but that's uh that's where like Chat GPT and stuff like that can be really helpful to a degree. I obviously do not encourage you to completely manage things with that, but you know, hey, can you give me some strategies to help me deal with this? I have ADHD, I need to be able to keep my house clean. Can you give me some strategies that have been spoken about so that I can try them? Yeah. And you can use it like that. So then you can go, okay, great, maybe I could try zoning, maybe I could try um, you know, maybe you do do it all in one day and then forget about it, you know, those big house resets that we see. Like whatever works for you and like different stuff is gonna work for different people. For me, like if I see something like that where it's you know, four or five hours of cleaning in one day, that is incredibly overwhelming to me. Plus the fact that it's just not possible because I have three fucking children that are all under the age of eight. Like they don't leave me alone for longer than three seconds. Sorry, yeah. Things like it's really important that you're able to kind of find things that work for you in the season that you're in. Like previously speaking, I probably would have preferred to just bust it all out on a Saturday morning listening to, you know, 90s pop or whatever. But that doesn't work. What I have found actually so fucking helpful for me is that I really struggle with the like my brain just goes off on tangents. Like I'm very much a, oh, I'm gonna go into this room and I'm gonna start cleaning it, and then I'm gonna find something, and that doesn't belong here, so I'm gonna go take that out to the kitchen, and then I notice that the kitchen bench is messy, so I start wiping down the kitchen bench, and then I remember that I needed to put a load of washing on because I've got three loads of washing to get through that day. Like, that's my kind of chaos. Um, so something I found so helpful is listening to audiobooks while I'm cleaning or doing tasks like that because it takes it takes away the thought so I can kind of just focus on the boring thing that I'm doing while my brain is off in fucking you know, Prithian. The dramatized dramatized adaptations of Avatar highly recommend, love them. But like for me, it's yeah, it's about creating it's also been about creating that dopamine around other things. Like, I I have this thing in my brain where I always have to be productive, I always have to be doing something that's productive, and I'm really trying to heal my relationship with that. And this is very new, by the way. Like, only in the last few months that I've started doing this, so please don't sit here and I'm no expert in the matter. I'm just trying to find what works for me. So I'm gonna bring this up, bring it up in the last episode that we just fucking did. I chose to start doing cross stitch again because I wanted something that was not productive. I chose a big piece because again, I'm trying to help my brain to go, yes, this is big, but we're breaking it down into chunks. We don't need to be overwhelmed by it. And, you know, for like doing something over time that we don't give up on because it got too big. It is it was a real hyper focus for me for a good few months. Like I was finding it a lot of fun and now it's a little bit less fun. So now I'm kind of having to go, no, we're just gonna go and do, you know, a little bit and then we're gonna put it down. So it's like that constantly coming back to it, even though I'm not completely obsessed with it. Because again, that proves for me that we can still do things even when we don't necessarily, we're not necessarily lit up by it. Like I still find it, I still find it fun to do and I still enjoy doing it, but we don't necessarily have to spend hours and hours and hours on it and then put it down and don't look at it for a few months. So that's for me, I felt like that was a really good project for several different areas, but also just to give my brain something to do that's creative, that's not productive in any way. Like, how the fuck is doing a cross stitch productive? It's not, it's just fun and it's creative and it's mindless. And it for me, it's better than scrolling, which is something that I do a huge amount of that I'm trying to move away from. Yeah. So it's things like that where I was like, I'm just gonna give this a crack and we're just gonna see what happens. I know that I will get obsessed with it for a while and I will want to do nothing else but, and I know that it will wear off because I know that that's the way that my brain works. But when it does wear off, I know that that's gonna happen, and then I've got things in place where I'm like, nope, we're just gonna pick it up and just do five minutes. And then if I still don't want to be doing it after five minutes, I'm just gonna put it away. And that's kind of how I've started approaching a lot of areas of my life. And it's it's where having like my bare minimums is really helpful because it's that piece of my brain going, I don't want to do anything today, and me being like, Yeah, sorry, bitch, but you've got a fucking business and three kids. So let's go. Like, you do need to do things. It's it's not an option for you to just veg on the fucking couch all day and do absolutely nothing. We miss those days, but it's just not a possibility. It's also the piece of making sure that I am looking after myself, that I am taking time for myself, that I am really putting a lot more effort into trying to eat better because that's something that I just forget about, if I'm being honest. I'm like, oh yeah, whatever, like I'll just have a coffee, and then you know, before I know it, it's fucking three o'clock and I haven't eaten and then I'm starving. And I'm a massive bitch. Um, and movement has also been, I'm really starting to notice the relationship with that where I need to move my body for that regulation side of things, that that's really helpful to me. So it's just again, it was for me, it was the journey of trying to get to know myself, trying to get to know how my brain works. It was not about needing an excuse, it was not about getting a label, it was just simply about is this actually true? And if it is, I wonder how I can overcome it.

Detaching From Identity And Over-Research

You’re Not The Alphabet After Your Name

Forgetfulness, Calendars, And Weekly Meetings

SPEAKER_00 28:57

Yeah, so interesting how we end up with these journeys, even you talking about the provider piece. I feel like there's always that connection because in school ADHD was mainly around boys. So then I think as us girls, we're like, okay, well, being naughty is bad, being ADHD is bad. So the mask kind of comes on even more. And because we've worn that mask for so long in our lives, it's like a default of just like, cool, if we're not super conscious of it all the time, it does slip back on. And it's tiring to hold that, which is where you know, this I feel like self-care for those who are neurodivergent is even more important because it's not just like, yeah, cool, a medication can help you regulate, but you also actually need to take care of your nervous system. And that's why you find a lot of neurodivergence as coaches because the superpower of that, and this is something that I've had to journey with of like, cool, we always hear like the bad things about ADHD, but we don't actually hear the good things. And something that has been really big for me is I do pick up on people straight away. Like there is a level of hyper-vigilance that comes with being ADHD, and the benefit of that is I'm able to pick up what's not being put down. Like you feel the energy, you're aware of things, you kind of like the brain's going a thousand miles an hour, which is why we get fascinated by human behavior. So, like the benefit of that is like, yes, because I can pick up on things makes my skill set feel even better. The other thing in reverse, as well, is with being on medication or even knowing, I've allowed more connection to my body and my sensations because I'm like, okay, cool. Essentially, like the way I view neurodivergence and with my clients and with myself is like it feels like the dial on the sensation is being dialed up. And that's why we're getting overstimulated because it's like instead of just feeling a little bit of anxiety, it feels like you've been slapped. Right? You've been slapped with the sensations, so it's kind of going, cool. It opened up a bit more of a channel of going, what am I actually feeling? This feels big, and then connecting with that and going, cool, what is what does my body actually need? Most of the time, it's really basic needs that we forget, like food, water, movement, connection. And so it's kind of like coming back to that self-care and listening to your body of going, cool, my body is feeling this way. When was the last time I actually moved my body? When was the last time that I actually had water? When was the last time that I actually met up with that friend instead of just being hyper-focused on the things I need to do because that's the pattern that we've always had, and also has been unconsciously for years. ADHD in women is only like a big fucking thing in the last couple of years. So it's just, yeah. I think another thing, like something else that's different about my journey is I also got diagnosed uh with PMDD. And so that's the premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which is also there's still a lot of more research coming out around that, but it is highly, once again, highly linked to ADHD. Wonderful. I'm like the alphabet at this point. Um, and so yeah, honestly, just wild. But something that the medication gave me was like I was already tracking my cycle fairly closely because of my endometriosis, another thing I have. And I was noticing a pattern in my moods. Like I was beginning like severe depression towards like the end of my cycle, just before I bled, and it was just kind of like really rear in its head. And then as I went on the medication, because I was literally like able to regulate throughout the month, it would get to a point in the month where I would like the pattern would arc arc again. So, what it gave me as well is that I guess lead to that diagnosis because I was just depressed all the time. So there wasn't there was no kind of way to identify if this was actually a thing because I would have depression throughout the month. But then having, you know, my medication and being able to regulate and being able to think, and then I would get a few days out from my period, and I'm like, whoa, the depression is wild. Like it would affect everything in my life, and it still is something that I work through now. So it's kind of like it's given me a way to go, what what does my life look like right now? Right? At the moment, everyone in my life who is important to me kind of knows when I'm getting my period because I'll either just tell them or they can already tell that I kind of drop off the face of the earth, and it's allowed me to go, cool. Can I actually just drop off the face of the earth for a few days without shame? Because the rest of me is fine throughout the month. So it's kind of like giving me a little like little safety net of like knowing that this depression does end. It does end when I get my period. Some months are harder than others. How can I actually nurture myself more throughout the months and you know, kind of weirdly plan my life around this for the moments where I'm like, some weeks are fine, some months are rough. So I think once you start going down that rabbit hole, it's very hard to get out. Another suggestion I have for those who are diagnosed, and this is kind of the opposite of what Steph said, and I think once again, you have to pick what you have to be discerned with it. For me, I stopped fucking reading ADHD things. Yeah. I fucking stopped reading it because I was like, could feel the the identity becoming attached to me. And I don't necessarily all like obviously, like most of the people in my life know because I take the medication. But if you were just a friend of mine, like you probably wouldn't know unless you went into these podcasts or you went into these things because I don't talk about it a lot. I don't identify with it. I don't, you know, I don't go and research more about it. You can if you want to, but for me, it was kind of going, cool, the more I research, the more attached I'm getting to this identity, and that's not actually who I am.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

Yeah, yeah. I think for me it's like a rebel thing where I'm like reading it and I'm going, oh, this piece of paper says that this is who I should be, so fuck that. Like absolutely not.

Discernment: Your Journey, Your Choices

SPEAKER_00 35:16

Um yeah, that's so funny because that's such a personality thing, though, as well. Because for me, that good girl kind of comes out, and also like I think it actually brings up more shame for me because I'm like, well, well, this is why I've had depression, this is why I've had anxiety, this is, you know, like my 20s was rough for my mental health. And I just think why and also like obviously that question comes up for a lot of people like, why wasn't it picked up? You know, did I not say something? Did I not do this? Like, and the more I read into it, the more I'm like, oh my god, like, is this something else somebody's gonna label with because like I just said, I have plenty of diagnosis, ADHD, PMDD, anxiety with depression. I also had diagnosis of um complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Then I had acute stress disorder for a bit. I have endometriosis. So for me, it was like in this season of my life, yes, I have all these clinical diagnoses, and I can feel myself going, I I want to detach from that. I don't want that to be my, I don't want someone to look at me and then look at a piece of paper and only see the diagnosis.

Why Talk Therapy Isn’t Always Enough

Somatics, Regulation, And Shame Release

SPEAKER_01 36:26

I actually had this conversation with one of my new clients this week because she's got same, like similar thing, like the alphabet after her name, and I was joking with her about it. And she said that she has she's spoken to a lot of therapists, and I think this is another conversation that we could have another day. She's spoken to a lot of therapists who basically do that. They look at her name and then they look at the list of diagnoses and then they put that onto her, and it's like, oh, you've got this thing, so therefore that's who you have to be. And it's like, for me, it was it was a real acceptance piece. It was going, okay, cool, this is a part of me. It's not who I am, but it is a part of me, and it explains the way that my brain works in some ways, so now I can accept that maybe I'm not lazy, maybe it's just that I'm struggling with this, and despite that, how can I overcome that? Because it's not this like core personality trait where I'm just a lazy bitch. It's like actually, no, my brain is my brain is working against me. So how can I work with my brain? How can I work with all of this and kind of overcome it? And for me, that's again, the battle is coming out, and it's like, okay, great, this is just a hurdle. So how do we overcome it? Um but there is a huge amount of stigma attached to a lot of these diagnoses, diagnoses, how the fuck you say it, where people are being judged or put into boxes based off of what clinicians are saying or who they're saying that they are based off of these things. And it's like you are not the sum of the alphabet after your fucking name. You are a human being, and that's what Rin and I are huge on, and probably because we've had these experiences, we're huge on seeing the person and huge on placing discernment. Where it's like, okay, great, we both have ADHD, and as you can see from this conversation, we both manage it very differently. We both see it very differently. We are both very different people with the same fucking label. And it's like that. It does not define you just because a piece of paper says you have to have issues with all of these things, that does not mean that you have to apply that to your life. You actually do get to choose whether or not you roll over and you go, okay, yeah, this is just who I am and I can't change it, or you go, this is actually feeling fucking debilitating and I don't want to live like this anymore.

Closing, Support, And Community Invites

SPEAKER_00 38:52

Yeah. I just think that is a big thing that I feel like is in all of my work of just like seeing the individual. Like I and I feel like you also most of our clients are neurodivergent, whether they've been recently diagnosed, diagnosed for years, suspected, or actually on their journey to being diagnosed with something. Um, because like obviously I believe that everyone is at some point on the spectrum. Uh, it just depends what kind of category or like what where you kind of like fall on it. But it's so interesting, this definitely can be a conversation. But I have been in that experience where I've gone into a therapy session with a new therapist, and I remember it was like when Matt and I had done a separation, and I was like, cool, I don't want to be fucking heartbroken forever, like I want to move on from this shit. And I went in, and obviously they do like the history and stuff. And I had mentioned that I, you know, had seen a counsellor when I was younger uh for suspected OCD. That's not something that I talk about very often, uh still probably something that I am journeying on, but whatever's. And she just like latched onto that. Like she wanted to understand. And I said, I'm I'm actually just really here because my partner's split. She's just like, Yeah, but I want to understand a bit more about this. And I'm like, okay. And so like the way that the way that my brain, like, so she's like so fascinated because I was telling her about my childhood and then like you know, my early adulthood, and then you know, I think I was like 25 at that time, and she's like, So you're managing it? And I was just like, Yeah, I'm managing it right now, but I would really like to be able to talk about what's going on outside of life. And it wasn't actually, it had turned in from like taking history to wanting to know more about this. And then in that same conversation, which is why I never went back to her, in that same conversation, I had said to her, I had also been diagnosed with complex PTSD. She then argued with me and said that in Australia, complex PTSD can only be diagnosed where you actually had fear of life being taken from you, like that you thought you were gonna die. And I remember telling her the situation about why, and she wanted to know like why I would have been diagnosed with that. And I started telling her this traumatic situation. And then she goes, Yeah, but did you think you were gonna die? And I went to say, no, but and hadn't finished my sentence. She's like, Well, you don't have that. And so there was such a like a latching onto these labels, which probably also pushed me not to go and get diagnosed as well, thinking about it. I'm like, Well, you've just tried to attach these labels to me. I'm actually not here for any of those things. I'm going, cool, I'm going to a psychologist because I want the tools and resources to be able to move on from this heartbreak to be a better mother at that time. And I just remember walking out, being like, did she even look at me, or did she just look at the piece of paper in front of her and also put her opinion on things that had already been diagnosed? I'm not here for a second opinion on this thing that happened five years ago. I'm here because I want to move forward with my life. And there's definitely therapists out there that are fucking wonderful. But then it's kind of like this this stigma of like, cool, you are your diagnosis, and that fucking kills me. I even had like a little meltdown last year in my like period pre-period time. And I said to him, I just feel like I'm the fucking alphabet and there's always gonna be something. And he's just like, you could have more letters of diagnosis to your name than your actual name, and I'm still gonna love you. And I think that was a big thing of like, no matter what technical clinical diagnosis I have, I'm still Lorinder at the end of the day. Yeah. And I think that was the important piece here of being like, cool, what works for you may not work for other people, but you are also not your diagnosis. And this comes in like the way people view you, the way you view yourself, and also the actions you take. I don't go, cool. For me personally, I don't go what's the best way for ADHD. I go, cool, what am I struggling with right now? I'm struggling with overwhelm. Cool, what's gonna help me with that? I struggle a lot with forgetfulness and I try not to identify that I'm a forgetful person, but I struggle with forgetting things, so what's gonna help? I have a big ass calendar as soon as I walk into the kitchen. I also use my Google Calendar for everything. I also have a written to-do list so I can write things so that way I'm like, cool, I'm writing it, so hopefully I'll remember. And I will ask people if it's important to remind me. Yeah. Is it frustrating for some people and myself? Yes. Does it always work? No. But I go, cool, well, obviously it's not working right now. What else do I need to do? So last week I literally had to put in when I was eating, because that's how overwhelmed I felt last week, when I was moving, when I was doing my admin, when I was, I literally in my calendar is school pickup. I know school pickup is at 2 30 every day. Is it still in my calendar? Yes, it is. So I get a little reminder that comes up on the alarm to make sure I go get my kids. Yeah. So I think it's just like kind of reiterating this conversation is you have to do what works for you. And somebody could try and tell you differently and be open to it if you need to and like try it out. But if it doesn't work, it's actually not a bad thing. It's just like, cool, tried this. Obviously, it doesn't work. Do something different.

SPEAKER_01 44:13

Yeah, absolutely. And that is the biggest piece where it's, you know, you're obviously further onto your journey as well. So everybody's at a different place. Um, and yeah, it is so important that you're able to work out what works for you, um, how you would like to manage this. I think the the thing that I would I mean that I would say, and again, this is whether or not you take that as completely your decision, is that you don't have to identify with it. Like if you make it part of your identity, that's where it could start to really cause problems, like the whole forgetfulness thing. Yes, it's a thing like, oh sorry, like, you know, I just completely forgot about that really important thing that was happening for you because I'm just so forgetful. Like, write it down then because honestly, at some point it stops being like a personality quirk and it starts meaning that maybe your friends don't feel cared for or loved. And it's like that's like we do need to do that. So we know that we forget, so we write it down. Like we know that we aren't necessarily the best at remembering bits and pieces, or that sometimes we will forget bits and pieces. It is why in every single session that I do, I have an AI note-taker and I also take notes.

unknown 45:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:27

Because otherwise I forget things, and it's like it's not because I don't care, it's not because I'm not listening, it's just that it just fucking goes in one ear and out the other sometimes. So if it's written there and then I can jog my memory, it's like, yeah, great. So this is what we spoke about, this is what's happened. Like I have extensive notes because I know that I won't remember it.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

Yeah. Do you ever feel like there's any if kind of like, let's go like deep, like the forgetfulness, right? If you go deeper, you'll forget the simple things. For me, I can remember details that a lot of people will never remember. Right. I can remember that you had a fight with your partner this time last year, and I was around this thing, and this is how it made you feel, right? I can remember the words that Matt said to me when we broke up. Do you think that's fucking helpful?

unknown 46:13

No.

SPEAKER_00 46:14

Right? I can remember things and I'm like, this is just stupid. I can remember things from my childhood, and my mum will be like, what? And I'm like, yeah, that's what I remember. But then it's like those simple things. It's like, cool, well, my strength is that. So when it comes to like my friends, I may forget something important that's coming up for them, but I understand why it's important to them. So it's kind of like for those things I do put in my calendar, to be honest. And speaking of like all the calendars I have, Matt and I do a weekly meeting now because I am forgetful. And so we go, what's on this week? And so I don't ask him a thousand times, being like, What time are you home? And he's like, I've already told you. And I'm like, Yeah. So now I actually, guys, I went type A this year. I have monthly calendars with sticky notes that are colored for each person in this house, each like big thing, and I just put it there as a visual. So I think a lot of us kind of my forgetfulness, if it's not right in front of me, it's not going to happen. But that's just us and our experience of ADHD. And also, kind of like summing this up, I feel like if you are going through this, know that you are not alone. If you feel like you're not sure, it's always better just to go and check anyway. Like, obviously, there's some expenses towards it. But if you feel like this is something that you want to do, don't sit in a decision paralysis like I did for many, many, many years and see if this is the right step for you. Whether it's medication, whether it's just having that thing, maybe it's just going cool. I do want to do a little bit more research into it. And then also don't gaslight yourself into thinking you do or don't have it, because I also did that. And I mean, sometimes I don't take my meds just to see if I actually have it. Still to this day, and I'm like nearly three years in, everybody. That's so really you know what's funny. Sometimes I'll do it to see if anyone else notices, and then Matt will be home for like 30 minutes and he'd be like, Did you take your meds today? And I'm like, fuck, do haven't.

SPEAKER_01 48:24

Yeah, it is it is super important that we remember that your journey is your journey, that everybody's experience is not yours. And when the RSD comes out, just because your experience is not the same as everybody else, it doesn't mean that you're wrong. It just means that you're different. And that's okay. That's okay. But I think like, yeah, I'm like Rin said, we do, I I would say that at least 90% of my clients have either been diagnosed, or I'm like, you absolutely have it. But they say that, you know, we travel in packs. Apparently, we tend to attract people in that are, you know, that are similar. But like whether or not you choose to get diagnosed or you choose not to get diagnosed, whether or not you believe in it or you don't believe in it, that is your journey. That is completely your decision. Um, but I think one thing that I've definitely found, we might leave it on this, is that a lot of the time, traditional talk therapy does not work for us because we are very self-aware and we spend a lot of fucking time in our brains pulling things apart. So we we can like we can explain exactly where something comes from, exactly why we do the thing that we do, but we really struggle to overcome it. And that is not a it's not a character flaw. It is just simply that a lot of the time we've been told that we're too much, and so we do spend a lot of time intellectualizing and making sure that we are doing the right thing, we are very hyper-vigilant. So this is where somatics has definitely like one thing that is that we do have very much in common is that somatics was the move forward, it was the way to connect back into our bodies, it was the way to create that safety so that our emotions could be expressed in a way that was not fucking destructive. Um we struggle with emotional regulation and it's possible to learn it. It is a skill, and it is a skill that you can learn. It's much harder for us to kind of get out of our heads, but it is possible. It is possible to overcome all of this. And again, I think that the mindset is probably what's gonna set you apart here. If you think that this is who you are and that there's nothing that you can do to change it, you're right. If you think that this is just a part of you and that, you know, it explains some things, but there are ways around it, you're also right. Because your brain is always going to try and prove yourself right. So I guess it's just helpful to be to consider that maybe there may be other possibilities in what your brain is telling you that there are, that you're not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, you're just spicy. Love it. We love it. But there are extra spicy, a little bit, but there are like it's it's one of the most beautiful things about the the mental health world world these days is that there are lots of different ways to get help, and traditional talk therapy is not always the best path forward, even though we do have to go to the psychiatrist or whatever to get diagnosed, that maybe that like the psychologist or the psychiatrist or whatever may not be the best way to manage it. Maybe you need to come over to do some shadow work and to learn that acceptance because I think for me personally, like I found that I just I was always making myself wrong. I was always wrong, there was always something wrong with me. And yeah, this whole journey has allowed me to accept me for who I am. Well, yeah, there's parts of myself that maybe I'm a bit like, oh, why are we like this? But I can accept that it's a part of me. And I find that with my clients, where a lot of them do come to me thinking that they're basically pieces of shit. And by the end of it, they don't feel that way anymore. And that is a huge part of the emotional regulation side of things because the shame will eat you alive.

Final Permissions And Calls To Connect

SPEAKER_00 52:02

Yeah, yeah. Come over to the dark side. Give it a crack. It's fun. We lose, we use lots of dark humor and lots of jokes. I feel like that's such a trait of ours. Just like, cool, gonna have shame, gonna have dark humor. And we just make this as unserious as possible. Yeah, that's also this is also part of it, right? It's not about being serious all the time, but it's also just like meeting those depths of yourself. And honestly, ADHD people are some of the funniest fucking people I've met. So fun. So, well, we hope you love this episode. If you are on your journey, not sure if you're gonna go on that journey or have been diagnosed for a while. I hope that you could just get a little insight on, I guess, the differences of people with this diagnosis and figuring out what the best path for you is. We are always open for messages and leaving us our review, or if you want us to talk about something specific, whether it is ADHD, whether it is managing it, whether it is something to do with shadow work, we would love to talk about it because that is what we are good at. Talking out of our asses. Just kidding, we actually know what the fuck we're doing. And we would just love to hear from you. So yeah. I lost my mouse.

SPEAKER_01 53:24

Your story does not end here. Permission granted to keep fucking up and figuring it out.

SPEAKER_00 53:29

Subscribe if you're ready for more conversations that make you squirm in the best way. Send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not broken, just human. Drop us a line about what came up for you. The messier, the better.

SPEAKER_01 53:41

We'll all be here holding space for all of your beautiful chaos. Keep writing, keep exploring, and keep being real.