The Trap Of Being Self-Aware

We pull apart the trap of being self-aware and why awareness can keep you looping in the same patterns when your body still chooses safety over change. We get brutally honest about identity work, nervous system protection, and what integration actually looks like when you stop outsourcing responsibility. 
• self-awareness as a middle step rather than a destination 
• patterns as protective strategies built for nervous system safety 
• why “I know I do this, but” is blame-shifting not ownership 
• the Ferris wheel effect of repeating familiar pain 
• intellectualising as emotional avoidance and loop-closing 
• embodiment and staying with sensations to build capacity 
• relational healing and why shadow work moves faster with support 
• the personas that keep you stuck: responsible one, good girl, performer, controller 
• the payoff of shadows, including being right and avoiding abandonment 
• practical ways to turn awareness into integration and behaviour change 


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Steph is here and Lurinda is here.

Transcript

Welcome To The Shadow Diaries

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to the Shadow Diaries.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

This isn't a Deer Diary, it's a Deer Shadow. Here we are pulling the curtain back to the good, the bad, and the ugly to bring light to those deep inner thoughts and feelings you keep on having but are too ashamed to admit to. To provide a safe space and get radically honest about what's holding you back and what shadow work really is.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

This isn't surface level. It dives deep into your soul to meet it with acceptance and compassion. There is no need to hide. All is welcome. This can be a space where you learn and receive real women, real stories, real shadows.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

This is the Shadow Diaries, and your story starts now.

SPEAKER_02 0:41

Hello, hello. Welcome back to another episode of the Shadow Diaries. And today is going to be a topic that I feel like all of us in our journey has been feeling, will eventually feel. I think this is something that you actually cannot avoid as much as you can be aware of it, which is really, really funny because we're gonna be talking about the trap of being a self-aware. Because a lot of us get into personal development because we want to be more self-aware of our shit so we don't put it on other people, right? That's really the big theme here, and we don't also want to be experiencing our kind of current internal world. But self-awareness is not the destination, right? And I feel like, and this is something that I've been talking a lot with my clients, and I ran a masterclass on it recently, and Steph's been talking about it with her clients of like how we can use our self-awareness as a protection strategy, as an avoidance strategy, as a way to go, I already know this, and so now I don't have to feel it or experience it. So this is something that I've also been working with because there's so many patterns that I see in myself and so many blind spots that have now come up, and I'm like, yep, cool, already moved through that, already know what it is, and yet I still seem to be in the same pattern that goes over and over and over again, and I feel like I'm one of the what is it like a merry-go-round? A ferris wheel, maybe like where it just goes all the way, and I think I'm getting over it, and then I fucking go back down the bottom.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Okay, so let's let's pause here. Can you explain what is happening there? Where you are aware of a pattern, but you're still experiencing what is going on there and where is the issue? Yeah, so when it comes to patterns, how's the self-awareness keeping you there?

Patterns As A Safety Strategy

Nervous System Keeps The Loop

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Yeah, yeah. So, like, let's like kind of go cool, what up water patterns? Essentially, it's just doing the same thing over and over again. And the thing is, a lot of people kind of go, Oh, I just want to get rid of this pattern. The thing with patterns though is that they've actually been created because they benefit you in some way, right? And when it comes to this work, at some point in your journey, that pattern or that shadow or that belief system is actually doing you a favor, right? It's doing you a fucking favor, it wants you to be safe, it's gonna keep you doing the thing, and a lot of the time we just kind of forget that as we grow, so do our belief systems and so do our patterns. They kind of need to evolve. So, like when it comes to a pattern, it will keep you in this same loop because your nervous system is wired for safety. It's not wired for growth, it's not wired for you to like do the thing and you know get moving forward. It's kind of like wired for your survival. How does it know that it's gonna stay alive? By doing the same fucking thing, right? It cannot predict. Your nervous system will only predict when it's already seen this before, right? So it's kind of like you're being on that Ferris wheel because it's safe to be on the Ferris wheel because it knows it's gonna go around and around and around and around and it's not gonna move. With self-awareness, it now knows that you have stepped on the fucking Ferris wheel, right? You've stepped on the Ferris wheel, you know that it's gonna go up and it's gonna go down. Even though you don't want it to, you have stepped on it. Cool, I know what I'm doing, I know what to expect, I know I'm about to go up and I'm about to go down. The trap is that you don't get off. Right? So your self-awareness is keeping you safe in this pattern, and so it's kind of like, cool, I know that this is what I'm doing, and I can say it, and I can say I'm going to change, but my body is like, nope, stay on the ferris wheel. So when it comes to like self-awareness, the best thing is it's kind of like cool, we've now stepped into it, right? We've stepped onto the ferris wheel. For a while there, we were like, I don't really know where I am. They are the unconscious patterns. Now we've brought it to the conscious, and now we're self-aware. And this is a really great step. And why we're gonna talk into the self-awareness trap, it's like this is not a bad step. We're not saying don't become self-aware. It's like you then have to next level integrate it. You have to take your self-awareness not from just in your head, but create safety in your body to actually change. That is like what self-awareness and the trap of the self-awareness is, is where you know what you're doing and you can say it, but your body is not on board. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

The thing I've been talking a lot with my clients about lately, and a pattern that I've been seeing in people, is what self-awareness is and what it is not.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Right?

When Self-Awareness Becomes Superiority

SPEAKER_00 5:10

So the self-awareness is yes, it's being able to spot those patterns, it's being able to spot those wounds, it's knowing that those wounds are present. If you are self-aware of them, you can probably spot them in real time or close to real time. When we're talking patterns, we kind of just want like I don't necessarily believe it's possible to fully get rid of patterns that easily. It's not, oh, you spot it, okay, it's gone. It's just not how it works because we need to understand that these patterns become integrated in our identity. So our brains want to keep us alive and they want to prove us right. So they want to prove I know who I am, whether that's good or bad. Right? We're sitting here going, I don't want to be this person anymore who never looks after myself. I don't want to be this person anymore who keeps on attracting shitty friends or shitty toxic partners or whatever, but that's who you believe you are. So the self-awareness piece, it's gonna keep you stuck until you can get to a point where you go, Great, I'm actually going to change who I am. And that is no easy fucking task. Right? So we need to understand that this is identity work, is effectively what going from self-awareness to integration is. It's identity work, it's deep, it's hard. So let's just get that out of the way. However, there is a difference between being self-aware, self-awareness is effectively it's taking responsibility and ownership and accepting that that is a part of you. It is not. I know that I'm being a bitch, but he did this first. I know that I keep yelling at my kids, but they are triggering me. I know that I shouldn't be doing XYZ, but if you're putting a butt in there, that is not self-awareness, that is you effectively shirking the responsibility of that piece. You have not taken acceptance of it, therefore you cannot integrate it. So you're kind of like probably still on the Ferris wheel, right? And the problem with the fucking Ferris wheel is that when you're up, you can see everything in everybody. And guess what you tend to do when you can see everything in everybody? This is when the superiority comes out, right? And we see this a huge amount. I am so self-aware, I can see everything that I am doing. I'm taking responsibility, but they are not. That is not that the true self-awareness is about being able to reflect internally. Yes, Lorinda might have said that thing that really pissed me off. That does not then give me the right to turn around and be a bitch because I've got a wound around the way that she was speaking to me. That is not taking ownership, that is just being aware of a pattern and still being very much in it.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

Yeah. And there's a reason that we do that, right? So it's kind of just like, yep, cool. Like, so with everything that we talk about, there's always the light side and the shadow side. So, like the the self-awareness here is like the light side of going, I can see this, this is what's happening, etc. etc. But then the shadow side is the blame shifting. It is using that as a protection strategy of going, I know this and this is why I'm not doing it. Okay, well, what is that actually giving you? That's not actually changing anything, that's just shadow side of going, okay, well, I'm gonna detach from my identity, I'm not going to experience the thing. Okay, I know that this is how I feel, but instead of feeling it, you're just analyzing it now, right? You're kind of going, cool, this actually affects me because when I was a child, this happened, and like, you know, I had this ex-boyfriend that did this, and blah blah blah. And as you're actually saying it, you're no longer feeling it or experiencing it, you're just now detaching from it. So it's like that is the shadow side of self-awareness where we can actually go and detach from who we are and also like protect us, okay. I already know this, which tells me, cool, you don't actually like it though, because you're still acting in that same way. And this is where the shadows come in of like, we don't want people to see that, and we don't want to be seen as wrong or needy, or you know, even lose people, right? Because people who are self-aware were like, Well, I'm self-aware about this, which means that if I'm self-aware, then two things happen. One, you know that I'm self-aware, so I'm gonna take the ownership, which means that you shouldn't leave me because at least I know. Or if they leave you, your shadow is going, I knew they would leave me, right? So you're already preparing for the abandonment of somebody, you're losing the belonging, so you're preparing yourself so you then don't have to experience the pain of losing somebody. You can see here the shadow side of self-awareness is detaching from experience.

A Real Pattern In Friendship

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Yeah, yeah. I um I like to explain this, and like you know, Ren and I have both got different ways of talking about this. Effectively, once you've un once you understand why, because your brain is always seeking to understand things. It's like, okay, that's a snake, is that dangerous? Yes, it is phenomenal. We stay away from it. The loop is closed. You don't have to think about that anymore. It's just like snake, danger, fuck off. Effectively. So once we understand something, your brain actually files that as done. It's the same as like coming to a conclusion, right? And we've already said that the self-awareness is not the conclusion, it's not the destination, it is very much the middle part of the journey. So the problem is here is that we go, cool, I do this thing where I'm gonna take one from my from my life. I have this thing where groups of three are really triggering to me because of things that happened to me in high school, right? Where there was a group of three and the two friends decided they didn't want to be friends with me anymore, and they've effectively told me that I was I had to go away. So now it's really funny to me that I now have three kids. I noticed this recently. I was like, wow, I really said you're gonna fucking integrate this. Um but now I have an issue with that. Whenever there's three people, I really struggle with it. It's certain certain relationships where that's not necessarily the case, but certainly a huge amount of the time. Right? I can't even fucking remember where I was going with that. Oh, the loop. Right, the loop. So now, if I get into a situation where there's three people, and Lorinda and I nearly fucking broke up over this last year, where there were two of us, and I could spot what was going on. Okay, I could feel it. I was like, oh my god, blah blah blah, and it still ran away on me. It ran away on me, and you know, all of the things, and that happens when we're self-aware. What happened afterwards was that I was able to work through this to a degree, and it takes time because these are deep wounds, like it's not just, you know, one person comes along and proves you wrong, and you're like, oh, okay, great. So the last like 35 years worth of proof that I've been gathering has all disappeared. And I can absolutely be in groups of three. That's not what happened. Where Lorinda and I had a conversation, I was like, this is the wound that is playing out here. I know it, I can see it. I'm on the fucking Ferris wheel, I can see it, I just can't step out of it. And everything in me, because I have like an avoidant piece, everything in me wanted to run. And Lorinda basically, luckily, because she's got an anxious attachment style, was like, bitch, you get back here and fucking sort this out.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

Yeah, but you can see straight away the pattern interruption, and this is where, like, I don't mean to cut you off as well, but it's kind of just like this is why shadow work also should not be done as an individual. I agree. Because what the shadows and what you're gonna do is go, cool, how can I actually make myself right? How can I keep myself safe? How can I continue to hold this shame even though my brain is telling me no, I'm fine. Shadow work should actually be done as a collective because that shadow that she showed me around her avoidance, around this pain, she could not have changed that pattern unless I put my fucking hand out and was like, Steph, you get the fuck back here. Because what her part needed in that moment was somebody to hold out the hand because her pattern was there's two people and she's the outsider, right? So the shadow work here was like, Well, one, I had to swallow my pride a little bit and because I wanted to tell her to fuck off, but also like Steph just needed somebody. That part of her needed someone.

Intellectualising As Emotional Avoidance

SPEAKER_00 13:23

I needed to be yeah, I needed to be chosen, and that was the part that I never would have admitted because A, it proves me wrong, it proves me wrong, right, in that moment that I am not the outsider, that people there want me there, and that I am chosen and that I'm a wanted friend in that situation. Yeah, and by the way, the third person had no fucking idea that this was going on, so like you know, it's no, I don't know. I've I've never spoken to her about it. Um it was very much like it was not what was going on, but that is what my like that is the meaning that my brain assigned to it. That that's what was happening, that I was being left behind, that they had fucked off into the like skipping down the fucking lane, and I had been left behind. And yeah, what happened there in that moment was Lorinda was able to see that wound, and even though yeah, she wanted to tell me to go get fucked, which you know probably would have been completely valid from both both sides. I don't think either of us really we didn't handle that well. Um but I just needed her to come back down the lane and say, Steph, I actually want you to come with us, and I was like, Oh, oh, okay, okay, yep, I'll come with you then. And so that's the pattern being interrupted. That was by force, but me getting off the Ferris wheel and going, I don't actually have to continue proving this pattern right. Yeah, and that's like that is real time, a real life fucking example of how self-awareness, even though you can be completely fucking self-aware, you're gonna keep on doing it. And I would have explained it away by I've got a wound from high school where groups of three are just not my jam, and I'm just gonna avoid them. Avoiding them is not going to integrate, and this is the problem, right? Is that we we get the self-awareness around a situation and we go, I'm just gonna completely avoid it. I'm so self-aware. I know that when I put myself in this situation, it makes me feel bad, it makes me a terrible person, it makes me whatever. So I'm just gonna completely avoid it. That you will stay in that pattern, and it will keep like life is gonna keep on fucking sending you ways to to break it or ways to prove yourself right. So at that, at those moments you have kind of a fork in the road, yeah. Where you either continue going down the same path that you've always gone down, that is proving myself right about that, that you know, like all groups of three suck, that all men are toxic assholes, that you know, kids are fucking dicks, that like nobody ever fucking chooses me, that I'm too stupid to finish things, or I'm just not good enough to finish things, or you can go, fuck with that. This like that path looks fucking dangerous, there's thorns and shit, but I'm gonna go down it anyway, and we're just gonna see what happens. And the thing about this, right, is the integration. Holy shit, it sucks. It sucks because you are going against every single instinct. Your brain, your nervous system, your ego is screaming at you to turn around. It is you are not the type of person who goes down that fucking road. What the fuck are you doing? Like you don't know what's down there because it feels dangerous. Because you've never experienced this before. You've never experienced the person coming back down the lane and being like, Steph, come with us. I had never experienced that before. So when it happened, I was like, what? What what? What like I don't understand what's going on here. This is not how this normally goes. Now, luckily, I do I have done a lot more of this stuff, and you know, it was time to break it. I'd done enough work around it, I'd done enough healing around it to break it. I was given the opportunity and I broke it. Hooray. Is that to say it's never gonna come back? Probably fucking not.

SPEAKER_02 17:03

Yeah. And that's the thing, right? That Ferris wheel has been built, and this is where the patterns. I also believe that patterns are not something that you will ever like fully eradicate and you'll never go back. Because at one point in time that was your default, that was your safety. It's kind of like the best thing with patterns is like, cool, how can we actually just like expand this right now? And what I mean by that is like point A to point B. Cool. And this is like my example here was my burnout cycle when I first started into this world of like I was getting sick like every month, and it's because when I was getting sick, it meant that I could rest, so I was like going and going and going and going and going and then sick. So I was getting sick all of the time. So I'm like, cool, what is it that I actually need to expand this so it's not every month now, right? Instead of trying to just get the fuck rid of it because I would have done the exact same thing as what I was doing, just in a different way, and burning myself out, it's kind of like cool. I actually just need to not maybe work as much, okay? Maybe I need to like bring my down my offers, maybe I need to have better boundaries around my times. So it's like those little shifts are helping. And something that I think a lot of people miss when it comes to personal development is the simplicity. When we are talking about that fork in the road and going down this path you've never been, it's kind of like, well, what do I need to walk down this path? Right? Because we're not actually saying go down this path without any form of safety, right? Is it that you need to create a backpack of safety for Steph? It was the fact that I held out my hand. I'm like, you don't actually have to walk down here alone. Okay, you don't actually have to do that. Maybe it's just like I'm only gonna walk this far today, right? I'm only gonna like step into it a little bit, and that actually is what I feel like is more sustainable because when we even talk about capacity, it's about staying with the sensations, it's about staying in your body for a longer period of time. That is where you build capacity. You do not build capacity by doing the same thing over and over and over and over again in your comfort zone. That doesn't expand any window of tolerance, that doesn't get you to stay in your body, it just allows you to go in and then out and then you're done. You don't experience it. What we're saying is awareness and embodiment. Awareness is really great of understanding and knowing. The embodiment is actually staying with it, right? And for my Steph's fight, if we go on the mirror side for me, the anxious attachment was letting Steph have space. I think we didn't speak for a little while, and that really hurts my feelings because I'm a fixer. I don't like stain with knowing that somebody is mad at me. But for my edge, it was like, can I just stay with this a little bit longer? Right? I will message her and then I will leave her because I used to be the person who would text and text and text and text and text and never give anyone space, which actually does the opposite for all my anxious attachment gals. So it's like, cool, how can I meet this edge in a way that feels okay for me? And what I did in that time was like lean on my partner and been like, I fucking want to fix it, okay. So it's just like cool when it's coming to this and changing patterns or meeting shadows, it's like, how can I just stay with the sensation of my body? Because this is where the trap of awareness happens as well, is that you will instantly want to analyze. Because analyzing feels better than experiencing sadness, grief, anger, all of those types of things. I did not want Steph to be mad at me, and I could have literally gone, well, she did this, she did this, she did this, she did this. But the experience that I felt in my body allowed me now, I think when I don't even know when our fight was, maybe a year ago. I since then have noticed a huge change in my relationships because I do give people space, because the story that I was telling myself was if I give them space, it allows them to see how better their life is without me in it. But that's not true, that's not true, right? Because the people who just need space, they just need space to deal with their own shit, to be honest, and then they will come back. And the thing is, if they don't, that's a different experience I have to hold because it's not actually about me, right? So that is like where we can start shifting that of going, cool, awareness is really good. We're not saying become unaware, but we're like, how often are you allowing yourself to experience what that gift of awareness is bringing you?

The Payoff Of Self-Condemnation

SPEAKER_00 21:27

And this is not to say also that you aren't ever allowed to intellectualize, like our brains are brilliant like that. We're allowed to intellectualize, and I talk to my clients about this. I have a huge amount of people who are very, very self aware. Well, they're good at intellectualizing. I think intellectualizing and self aware are two different things. Um because, like, generally speaking, they'll start talking to me and I'm like, this is what you're doing. And they're like, oh my god, no, I'm not, it's this. And I'm like, the fuck it is, it's this, and they go, Oh my god, it is. And I'm like, yeah, it's because I'm not emotional about it, and I'm not trying to avoid emotions. So I can see it for what it is. And this is why what Rim was saying, where's shadow work is it's much deeper when you're doing it with somebody. Whether it's a friend or a partner or a coach or whatever, like other people can spot things in you that you can't see because it's a blind spot. Because you don't want to, unless you genuinely sit there and believe that you're a piece of shit, which most of us don't want to believe. We just say that because it's like this, you know, I feel a huge amount of shame about the person that I am, and I've probably been told a huge amount of times that I am a piece of shit. I've probably been around people who are gaslighty, who are, you know, constantly blaming me for absolutely everything. So now I believe that, but you don't want to believe that. Nobody wants to believe that they're a piece of shit. It's just that's what everybody says, that's what everybody always says. So I'm just gonna get the jump on you and I'm gonna say that before you say it to me. Yeah. Right. So it's like it's controlling that narrative. But it's also like in those moments where somebody says to you, I'm a piece of shit, I always do this, like blah blah blah. Generally speaking, it's a cry for fucking help. It's a cry for somebody to say, actually, no, you're not, or actually, yeah, I'm gonna stick around anyway. A lot of the time it is. A lot of the time when people are saying that, it's just a sad little child who never got the fucking love that they needed.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

Yeah. I also think that's something that comes to my head, and it may sit really well with people now, or it may not, is that, and we spoke about this before we jumped on, is what do you gain from having that shadow unbelief? Right? This is the the the shadow work. What do you gain by saying I'm a piece of shit? What is like the pleasure point of that? And like that sounds really weird, but like what do you actually get out of that, right? So when somebody's saying I'm a piece of shit, it's kind of like, yeah, it's a cry for help. When I say this, it means I now don't have responsibility that I'm a because everyone knows that I'm a piece of shit. I keep saying it, I told you. Means that I now go, cool, this is what people expect from me. They expect bottom standard from me, which means that I don't have to have responsibility. It means if people leave me, then it just proves that I'm unlovable. And if I'm unlovable, at least I get to stay here in this feeling right now because it feels better than actually having to step out of this. Right? This is the shadow work. Your shadows are not built just to be a pain point, they actually get something out of it apart from safety. It's like cool, yes, I feel safe when I'm like this, but what am I getting out of it? People will not expect more of me if I already show them that I am the bottom standard.

Acceptance And Emotional Neutrality

SPEAKER_00 24:30

Yeah. And it's also like, I told you I was a piece of shit. So what did you expect? It's like as soon as you do prove that right, because you know that you will, and people have have always told you that, you get that I told you so. So I'm right. And people love to be right, like so many people love this. I yes, you do. I've got I've got quite a few clients actually, but one that's coming to mind particularly at the moment, who like I would say things, I'd be like, Do you think that this is potentially what's going on for you? And she'd be like, No, no, absolutely not. Like, no, I that doesn't land with me. I don't, I don't see that. And by the end of the call, she'd be like, That's exactly what's happening. Like, yep, I can see it. But it was just like that piece of needing to be that self-aware. I know myself, I know who I am, I know everything that's going on. So the moment that somebody spots something that she was not aware of, she instantly went into defense mode. Because it's like, fuck, I can't control this. Fuck, she's seeing straight through me. Like, I'm supposed to be the one who knows everything about myself. Like, you're not supposed to be able to see this. This is masked. What the fuck? Right? Because like the the self, like the intellectualizing and the self-awareness, it allows us to create those masks. I know who I am, I know exactly who I am. Right? I'm this person, I'm that person, I'm the type of person that does this, I'm the type of person that does that, blah blah blah. Whilst deeply hating it about yourself. Yeah. And that's the piece, is that this is the shadow work as well. There's lots of shadow work in this. But it's like in order to move past it genuinely, in order to change that identity, rather than detaching from the emotion that it causes, we need to accept it. And deeply accept it. That's not saying I know that sometimes I can be a bitch. That's not acceptance, generally speaking, especially because it's often followed by a but. But the people around me are awesome, but the people around me did this, but my mum was a fucking bitch, so that's where I got it from. Like, yeah, it said I know that sometimes I can be a bitch, sometimes I can be mean, sometimes I can be cruel. And like, this is the thing is that the subconscious is neutral about all of this. It's so neutral. It's like this is who I am, and it's neutral. Your conscious mind is the one that assigns meaning to it. And it's like, oh, I've been told that that's a bad thing. Your subconscious is like, this is who you fucking are, bitch. Like, whatever, man. But your conscious mind is like, oh, that doesn't belong here, so I can't be that person. I have to be really nice all the time, I have to be really generous all the time. Like, this is it's also in that subconscious, too. Like it's kind of multi-layered, but yeah, your subconscious is kind of like, yeah, okay, cool. Like, it's like the way that I like to explain it is if you've got a child under the age of about five, they are the perfect representation of human beings before conditioning takes place. Because, like, I don't know about you guys, but my four-year-old, fuck me, dead. Sometimes she can be the sweetest little angel, and sometimes she can be awful. Both of those things are in her, and to her it's neutral. She's like, Oh mummy, it looks like there's a baby in your belly. Why is your belly so big? She's just making observations, but I'm assigning meaning to it, going, like, oh my god, she's saying that I'm fat. Fuck you. She's being a little bitch. But like, I'm assigning meaning to that. She's not necessarily saying it to upset me. Right? So it's like this is the piece, and this is the shadow work, is going, okay, cool. We want to get to the point where we can be neutral about it. It can be good, it can be bad. Sometimes there's a time and a place. I don't necessarily know mean. I don't necessarily use that one as an example because I don't think there's I don't think it's ever a good thing to be mean, to be honest. Like it's just and I understand why people do it. Like, you know, hurt people, hurt people. There's a reason that they're doing it, but I don't necessarily know that it's ever needed.

SPEAKER_02 28:34

Yeah. I think this also changes a little bit of like the difference between intention and impact, right? Because we cannot take away from someone's experience. So when somebody is like, I guess, being mean, their intention might be, I'm just show sharing this with you because I think that's what you need to hear. But that the impact of that, the experience from the other person is you're being mean, right? And so then we have to hold that maybe our intention didn't land the way that we wanted it to, but it doesn't take away from the experience of somebody else, right? So that mean piece, it's kind of just like, yep, cool. My intention is not to be mean. I have come across mean. How can I hold the fact that there may be a part of me that is mean? And where is my intention? Right? We always come back to intention when it's like communicating or sharing and whatnot, but it's like having to hold that maybe there is a part of me that is deeply mean. But it just your intention is like this is the thing when it comes to intention. How many times do we have an intention of saying something and it didn't land the way we wanted it to, and then we try and like go over and over and over again? The thing is, when you're doing that, you're actually taking away from someone's experience when you keep going, well, that's not my intention, that's not my intention, that's not my intention. You can go, hey, look, originally that's not my intention, but we can talk about it. Because what we do is minimize somebody else's experience. And also, how many times have someone said something with good intentions and we logically know it's good intention, but it fucking hurts our feelings? And then when they keep saying that, it's like, well, that's the impact that has on me. I know that, like, I have a lot of people in my life who have very similar personalities to my partner and can be quite fucking direct, and I know that they're not being mean, but it comes across mean. And so what they have to do is hold that and go, yeah, okay. Sorry that you feel that way. Like, and I am actually sorry that you feel that way because it's my not my intention, but they have to hold that maybe in a moment I have viewed them as mean. So that's like where the shadow work comes in. It's like, as much as we try and not show that part, it will come out. And it's just about holding somebody else's reaction and it's not having to constantly justify, right?

SPEAKER_00 30:44

It's just but that's the thing, right? Is that when people start justifying, like in that moment, right? Somebody has said something that is is mean and it's hurtful, and they've meant to hurt you. Because again, hurt people, hurt people. When you're in a fight response, you are trying to hurt people, and like this is where things like saying, like, no offense, like I don't mean to be a bitch, but basically, whenever you use a but, it negates everything that you said before it effectively, it gets rid of everything you said. So it's like by saying things like no offense, but you're saying I'm about to say something to you that I know is offensive, that I know that you're not gonna like, but you can't take offense because I already pre-framed it.

unknown 31:24

Yeah.

Let The Body Lead First

SPEAKER_00 31:25

Like, you don't actually get to decide how that person takes that thing, especially if it's something that they might not like to hear. So it's like if you have to add add a no offense, I don't mean to be a bitch, but but maybe consider the way that you're saying something, because I am also fully of the belief that just because you think it, it doesn't mean that you need to fucking say it. Sometimes thoughts are inside thoughts, and sometimes you think, like you sit there and you're like, oh no, I'm just being a good friend by pointing this thing out. That person might not be ready to fucking receive that, and that's not actually on you to decide. Like, you might be able to spot somebody else's fucking pattern running amok. Like, God knows I've seen it enough times in my life. Like, Lorinda and I do this sometimes where like we'll be like and the other's like, are you open to a reflection? And it's like no, everybody. No, I'm not. Sometimes it's a no because you actually do get to decide. The other thing before we move on to the next piece, you are never going to be fully fucking self-aware. It's just not fucking possible. Like, you can't spot all of your blind spots, and you're not supposed to. Like, we don't need to completely fucking over-intellectualize, and sometimes I think that this is this is another piece of that danger of or the the trap of being self-aware, is that we'll sit there and we'll intellectualize our emotions because we've been taught that we need a reason to be angry, right? Like that's what we were taught. Why are you angry? What's wrong with you? Why, like, why are you acting like this? Why are you sad? Why are you crying? That's not a good enough reason, right? So now we're we've been trained effectively to look for reasons to be upset, and so that's where we go into that justification. Like, I'm mad with this person because they said this or they did this, and the way that they said this, and blah blah blah blah blah. It's avoiding our emotions. Sometimes the work is not being self-aware. Sometimes the work is that the emotion comes up and you just fucking sit in it, and you don't sit there and look for a reason, you don't sit there and consider why you feel the way that you feel, you just sit in it, and this is kind of how we get out of that trap. Yeah. I don't know why I feel the way that I feel, but I feel it.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and how many times have you have you felt an emotion and you're like, I don't know why I feel this way? And then you just like allow your body to experience because the thing is, you actually get all of your information through your body first, right? Your body goes, oh shit, and then it sends it to your brain. So it's kind of like, okay, well, instead of me trying to figure it out right now, why don't I just experience it and let my body tell me? Because I had this sentence that kind of dropped into my head this year, and it was just like, okay, our body is actually extremely intelligent, so the why are we treating it like it's dumb?

SPEAKER_01 34:08

Mmm, right?

SPEAKER_02 34:10

Like it's really, really intelligent. It's the thing that gives us all the information. When you're triggered, it's not your brain that kicks in first, it's your body, it's the reaction, it's the like the sweating of the palms, it's the heart rate, it's the you know, the gut punch. It's like that is telling you something first, and then it is sending it to your brain with the narrative and the story. So sometimes what I get is like when I can see a client that is like talking and talking and talking, we stop, we just sit and we kind of go maybe into an embodiment or just see what's there, and then after they come out of it, they're like, oh, it's because the body, you're allowing the body to speak, right? It's received the information to allow the body to speak and to experience it. And a lot of the time, because you've intellectualized so much, your body has actually suppressed so much emotion and so much experience that when one thing happens, is that that's when you snap, that's when you react, that's when you get emotional, and you're like, now I don't know why I'm feeling this way. It's because you've got 10 years of you not being angry, and then the the problem with that, and I know Steph talks a lot about it in parenting, is when you do that, it's not a healthy expression, right? That anger, that sadness is not a healthy expression of that because you've suppressed it so much. So it's kind of like I'm not sitting here and saying that every time you feel a feeling you should pause for 30 minutes because that's where the intellectualizing comes in. Is it actually safe to healthily express what I'm feeling? No? Cool, I will come back to it later. Because most of us listening are probably parents or somebody who has lots of roles and responsibilities, which means that we can't always just feel it. But when we are in that pattern of I'm really responsible, I'm a parent, I have to do all of the things, and we suppress it so much, that is when you're going to react, that is when you're going to be angry and not really understand why, and have that unhealthy expression. So it's like, when do we actually give our time to experience it? Right? When are we deciding, okay, this is something that I need to honour? And then this is also where all the shadows are gonna come up. Selfishness, you know, um, emotional, sensitive. The reason that you feel this so much is because you're not actually honouring what you need.

SPEAKER_00 36:22

Yeah, and most of the time we've been taught to shove it down. So I think that this segues really well actually into the shadow pieces of self-awareness, what shadows are playing out with that over-intellectualizing of our problems.

The Responsible Shadow And Control

SPEAKER_02 36:38

Yeah, the first one that like hurts my soul as well as the responsible one. I'm I'm really responsible, so I should already know, so that way I can also figure out how I'm going to feel it. Because we can also intellectualize about okay, cool, I feel this thing, I know that I need to go and feel it, this is how I'm gonna feel it. And so then we're putting ourselves in a box, right? Okay, this is how I'm gonna do it, instead of allowing the body to lead. So it's like, cool, I'm responsible, which means I should look this way, this way, this way, this way. When you think about your responsible shadow, there's probably gonna be somebody in your life that you go, they're really responsible, this is how they do it, so I should also do it. It's almost like a mimic. You're like, this is how I know responsibility looks like, so this is how I should also show up in my responsibility. And people who are responsible, you tend to be see them as a little bit more emotionally suppressed, or you don't you don't physically see them show their emotions because maybe they do it in the background. Responsibility shows up in like this is who I am, I'm all put together, I've got my shit together.

The Good Girl And Suppressed Anger

SPEAKER_00 37:38

Yeah, the next one we've got here. I'm gonna jump to the good girl. Yeah. And this is this, this is a lot of my eldest children. There's some that are some that are not, but a lot that are. Um, I think I work with a lot of eldest children, probably because I relate to them, because hello. But this is the one that like wants to always get it right. Like, I always want to respond the right way, I want to be seen as nice, I want to be seen as like demure and chill, like I don't want to disappoint people, I don't want to be too difficult, I don't want to make people uncomfortable. So they look for that self-awareness so that they don't like emotionally explode because that wasn't being a good girl. That made people uncomfortable when we were kids, that got us sent to our bedroom. So now it's like, no, I have to suppress this, I have to be nice, I have to be good. And this is I I see this a huge amount in my clients. Where I had I had one the other day, actually, I was so fucking proud of her. She was having a moment with her kids, she's got three kids, and she was having a moment with them where they were pissing her off, and she was like mid-yel. She pulled herself back and she was like, I just need a minute, I'm feeling really angry. She went into a room and she sat down and she's like, Oh, this isn't what I need. I need to move. So she went out and she had her headphone. She said, I'm putting my headphones on and I'm going to clean my floors. Nobody speak to me. The other parent was home, by the way. Nobody speak to me until I am finished. And I was, she's like, Oh, I don't know if that was the right way to do it. Because then, like, I rage cleaned my entire floor, and people came over like halfway through, and they were like, Holy shit, what's going on here? And I was like, that is a perfect fucking way to do it. Like, Gold Star fucking, if you're looking in a textbook, that's what you want to do. Because you pulled yourself out of that fight response in that moment. You told people that you were angry, which previously she never would have fucking done because she very much is this good girl piece. She told people she was angry that what people were doing were pissing her off because the good girl always kind of makes allowances. Oh, I know that they're being they're doing this, but I know that they're doing this, but like, you know, mental health, but neurodivergence, but blah blah blah blah blah. She told them what she fucking needed. She felt into it, it wasn't what she needed. She worked out what she needed, and then she very firmly and clearly communicated what she needed to her family, and she went and did it. And that is a healthy expression of anger, like rage cleaning. Fuck yes, if you can be productive and you can fucking get your anger out at the same time, love it. Somatics isn't all about riding around on the fucking floor. Yeah. And I was like, that is perfect because you came out of that piece. You were being difficult, you were putting pressure on your on your partner to deal with the kids because you were feeling fucking angry, and you told them that, and then you allowed yourself to express it in front of people. You didn't put yourself away to do it, you tried to do that, and you realized it wasn't what you needed, and you let yourself do it in front of people, and that is breaking that breaking out of that shadow piece.

SPEAKER_02 40:39

Yeah, yeah, loved it. Loved it. The next um shadow that I'm gonna speak into is the performer, and I feel like this is really wonderful because I work with a lot of coaches, and so coaches. I'm gonna call you out a little bit, or anyone who is just like having to like have that role of being somebody in really important. So like coaches really step into the performer, especially in front of other coaches, purely because we need to look like we know what the fuck we're doing, right? So it's kind of just like the performer is shadow, is like we know the language, we know the frameworks, we know what healthy communication like looks like, we know our own stuff, we know our own blind spots, we know all of the things, and so now it's kind of like that next level of I really have to show myself awareness because self-awareness is gonna get me to where I need to be, so I can also help people. But when we're kind of like in that performer, it's like really pushing forward that we're not actually feeling what's underneath. So, like, we are like forward and we are performing and we know all of the things to say, because behind that performer is like, please don't see through the cracks, please know that I do see all my stuff, and I promise I'm doing all of the things, and so it's like we are now performing at a new level of our self-awareness because there's so many things behind the scenes that we're not allowing ourselves to feel. Because if we show up in our vulnerability, if we've shown up that we don't actually know something about ourselves or we don't know the things, then who are we to lead people in this? So I do see the performer shadow a lot in the coating industry.

The Performer And The Mask

The Controller In Parenting

SPEAKER_00 42:19

Yeah, I hard agree with that one, and I think like yeah, I see I see that a lot in like the the people who are very self-aware. I think the people and this I think this ties directly to the last one, which is the controller, where it's like we want to control how people see us, but also it's like I have to understand what is going on so that I can manage everything. So these people tend to really struggle with um with things being outside of their control. And this is one that I see a huge amount in parenting, where they're you know, they're the control freaks, they're the ones that have to know exactly what's going on, they're the ones that really struggle to allow themselves to be supported by their partner who are just like, I'll do it because I know what's happening, like I'll pack the lunches because I know that it's done properly. I and like I can fucking see myself in this one literally. Last night we've got swimming on at school at the moment, and I don't have enough stuff to like I have to wash it every night, and that's just what I've been doing. So it's like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's like one more week. Um, but I'd put everything into the washing machine, and I said to my husband, Can you go put that stuff into the dryer? And he loves a good, oh yeah. No, I just went and like opened the washing machine. There wasn't anything in the dryer. What are you talking about? Like he loves to give me grief about stuff like that. And I was like, Can you please just tell me that you put it in the dryer and turned it on? And he's like, Oh, what are you talking about? You just told me to put it in the dryer, and I'm just like, Can you please just tell me that it's done? Very much like I need to see that it's been done or it's not ticked off in my head. So when we're when we're controlling things like this, we tend to really beat ourselves up if We miss things, like oh my god, I didn't even see that pattern. So we we really struggle to actually take other people's opinions and reflections on board in this particular space. Um, but it's also that piece of like this also can come from um children who have been in neglectful or abusive homes because it's like if I can see exactly what's going on, I can manage what is happening. If I am like these are the people that are hypersensitive of other people's emotions and things like that, right? Like you'll hear the people who are like, I'm just an empath, and it's like, no, you've got a trauma response. Like you learned a long time ago that you were responsible for everybody else's emotions, and you'll see how these all tie together. Um, that you were responsible for other people's emotions, and you realized that if you could spot, you know, your parent in a shitty mood, that it meant that you could go away, or it meant that you could do a lot of things, like the good girl could come out and you could do a lot of things to try and make them happy, right? So the controller I find, like from my side of things in parenting, that piece really comes out in refusing to allow the other the other partner to be involved in things, but also um trying to keep the kids happy all the time because you really struggle with emotion because you're very, very, you know, you're in your head all the time, right? Like I can't lose control, I have to, like, I have to know what's going on here, the kids have to be obedient, I have to be able to sort of spot things, and this is where this is where like I'm sure that if you if you can uh identify with this particular piece, things like oh, I went to a play center and I know that my kid gets really overstimulated by noises, but I forgot their noise-cancelling headphones. I can't believe I would do that. But they've been fine the last five times, but I forgot this one thing. Oh my god, I went to the shops and I forgot to grab the baby bag and the baby shit up all his back. And oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with me? I can't believe that I forgot that because now they have to sit in that while we drive home and you know, all of the things. It's like you you will not let yourself off the hook if you don't manage to spot something, if you don't manage to mitigate something, if you I'm not constantly thinking 10 steps ahead. Yeah, and I think in a lot of ways, that one's probably the most exhausting. I don't know if you'll agree with that or not, Rin, but like that in the performer, it's exhausting.

SPEAKER_02 46:25

I think it's like really depend like because for me, like at the moment in my life, it's like I've moved through the good goal a lot, but also like the responsibility of like holding that. But all four of the like all shadows though, they are adaptive identities because the main thing that they don't want to do is for you to see past the persona, past the mask that they are wearing. So it's like whatever one you're kind of listening to and you're feeling that, because like even the performer, even though I was like, Okay, cool, it's I'm mainly see it in coaches. I also see it a lot in people who have done personal development for many years, right? Because they there's a narrative in this of like, cool, I've done personal development, you know, I've done so much personal development, why am I not fixed?

SPEAKER_01 47:07

Why do I still experience this?

SPEAKER_02 47:09

Yeah, so it's kind of just like there is the piece behind that of like, I'm gonna have all of these fronts are the performer, the responsible one, the good girl, the controller, whatever it is, so you don't see behind the scenes of what I'm actually experiencing because I feel shame about what I'm experiencing. So it's kind of like for me, the controller, yes, but that really kind of for me in my life right now links to the responsible one. Right? Because, like, yes, I want to control everything, but the thing is it's the responsibility piece that feels exhausting because I'm holding it all together from like a lens of I'm the one that's responsible. So it's kind of like which one feels most exhausting because you are holding up the mask more now than ever.

Belonging Needs And Being Needed

SPEAKER_00 47:50

Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, they're all exhausting in different ways, I think. And especially if you identify with more than one of these, yeah, you can definitely see how oh my god, it's a lot. I think responsibility is one that mums take on a lot as well, where it's like, oh, I'm so like people take on responsibility for things that are actually not their responsibility. Like, I always have to keep my kids happy. If you've ever had a fucking toddler in your house, you know that that is impossible. Because otherwise, you're sitting there, like, okay, do you want me to peel the banana? Do you want me to like sometimes I'll sit this and do this with my four-year-old. I'm like, okay, you want a banana? Do you want me to peel it? Do you want me to start peeling it for you? Do you want me to take the whole peel off? Do you want me to put it in the bin? It's like there are so many different ways that that could go. Yeah. So now let's talk about like what like we know that we've we've got we're in this self-awareness trap. We can see that we're kind of doing this thing, that we're at the middle of the journey. Why do we have these personas? What is the point? Even though they're not helping us.

SPEAKER_02 48:52

Yeah, and all just comes back to like the main piece of like safety, but like if you were to think about like the main reasons we have these shadows, it's like once again, fear of being seen as something that you don't like about yourself, right? So it's like the responsible one, well, I don't want to be seen as the mess, right? Then you also have like the fear of losing belonging because as human beings, we naturally want to belong, which is why shadow work is the thing that we need to do in a group because you're like, okay, well, I I want to belong, so I'm gonna show up this way because in my society and in my conditioning, if I show up this way, more people love me, right? When I am the responsible one, people know that they can lean on me. So, what is the the pleasure piece about being responsible? Ah, people actually need me, they know that they can count on me, so now I have to hold this responsible piece even more so.

SPEAKER_00 49:40

It's like the fear of yeah, sorry to interrupt you there. If people need me, they can't leave. If I make myself needed, people can't abandon me. Yeah, so it all comes down to yeah, like this the pleasure piece, but also what's the fear?

SPEAKER_02 49:58

Yeah, it's like why you also love bitch, like love people in your life who are irresponsible. Because there's a uh the hidden aspect of like I'm holding so much responsibility because I do not want to be serious seen as irresponsible. All I want is to be irresponsible, which is why you might leave little things that would go, okay, cool. That was a little irresponsible of me. Because that these pieces that we are not allowing to come out, they will come out in some ways, right? So, like the irresponsible. Okay, well, what am I in my life right now that I feel like I'm allowing to be even more irresponsible? And then where do I get to beat myself up about it? Right.

SPEAKER_00 50:36

It's like that piece of like sorry, I keep on talking over the topic. That's so and see that there that's a self-awareness piece, right? Like I'm framing that before Lorinda can call me rude. It's an ADHD. Um now I've fucking forgotten what I was gonna say. Oh, the responsible piece, right? So it's like this is what I see with a lot of fucking parents, right? We're so responsible with the kids, and we remember absolutely everything to do with the kids, but we're really irresponsible with the way that we eat, whether or not we go to the gym, whether or not we're actually looking after ourselves. So it's like that's how that irresponsibility can leak out sideways.

unknown 51:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:10

Where you're not actually being responsible all the time, but you won't admit it because you're so responsible for the kids.

SPEAKER_02 51:15

Yeah. It's like these parts of us actually do want to come out because they are a part of us, and this is the thing with shadow work. You're not doing shadow work to get rid of it, you're doing it so you can integrate it and you can have a little bit more. I like to think of shadow work as like more autonomy and more like identity flexibility. Cool. Where in my life do I need to let go of this responsibility in a healthy way? Right? Where in my life can I have a little bit more irresponsibility so I actually don't like lean into the shadow piece of that? So it's kind of just like, where can we bring these pieces of us that are actually really beneficial, right? It's really fucking beneficial to be responsible in my business. It's really beneficial to be responsible to my health. Where could I be a little bit more irresponsible? I could probably let go of the structure a little bit more, right? Like a little bit more flexibility in my afternoons. I could probably just go, fuck it, I'm not gonna plan dinners for the week and just go, cool, let's actually figure out what's here in the fridge. Right? It's kind of like those are the pieces of kind of going when you meet those parts of you, what do they actually need? And where can they also go? Where are they really beneficial? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:21

Yeah. Like could you could you, you know, maybe once a fortnight go go and go out for dinner with a friend and stay out way too fucking late? Like way too fucking late, knowing that you've got to get up with the kids in the morning and you stay up until stupid o'clock in the morning with a friend, filling your cup, like making that connection and all of the things, and we're all like, oh, this is a little bit rebellious, isn't it? Normally we're in bed by nine o'clock and it's already 11. Like, can you do it in that way where it's it's it's kind of it's it's almost controlled in a way, but it's done in a way that is not going to fuck your life. Yeah. We want to find homes for these shadows, we don't want to completely get rid of them because they're they're good things. Again, it's neutral.

SPEAKER_02 53:02

Yeah. And that's where you kind of just like have the healthy expression of it, right? Like we talk about emotions in a healthy way, but it's like, how can we just have like this healthy expression of our our shadows?

SPEAKER_01 53:13

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 53:14

Because they were formed from a place that of like punishment and you know shame. And so it's like kind of meeting that and going, yep, I see you. I don't actually need you here all the time, and I can feel you lingering, but like, where is it actually really beneficial to be this way? And that's where it's like the pleasure piece of the shadows is you're actually getting pleasure out of all these pieces. So, how can you actually play with them a little bit more? I think a lot of people in personal development forget that when it comes to personal development, it doesn't have to be so rigid, it's like about playing with what's here. Cool, yeah, what is my irresponsible piece want to actually fucking say right now? No, I'm not gonna go fucking do the washing because I'm so fucking sick of it. So it's like getting that out. This is why having friends and having this is why you want to bitch and moan. Because there's a part of you that's just like, this is just like what I'm getting. And like for me, the responsible piece also has a little bit of superiority and like arrogance of just like everyone needs me.

SPEAKER_00 54:09

But look at how well I hold this down. Like, I'm so good at this.

SPEAKER_02 54:13

But it's like, what is that also doing for me? It's exhausting me. It means that I'm not honouring what I actually need, and I'm just not really having any fun with this, and that's not the point of living, right?

SPEAKER_00 54:23

Like, I've been saying a lot lately, like, stop taking everything so fucking seriously. Like, oh my god, the washing didn't get done. Is it really that big a fuck a deal? Like, oh no, because you were playing with your kid, like it's probably fucking fine, and if that's how you want to take your irresponsibility piece, I think that's a good way to do it, you know. Like, maybe you don't clean the house today because you're busy out having a fucking adventure and you really love that, but you're constantly telling yourself, oh my god, if my house isn't like spotless and I'm a shitty, shitty person, go and be irresponsible and go out and have a fun day with your kid. Go do that, and like, oh, this feels irresponsible. Oh, I've got so much on my to-do list and I'm not doing any of it, but you're spending time with your kid, go and have fun with it. Fucking hell, yeah, seriously.

From Awareness To Integration

SPEAKER_02 55:07

Yeah, so if we like finish this conversation of like what can you do with this? One is like notice like the rigidity around your self-awareness and like what self-aware is actually protecting you from. If I'm self-aware, then no one will see this. So it's kind of just like when it comes to the trap of it, instead of just being like, okay, well, what do I need to know? It's like, well, what what part of me has built this identity to keep me safe? Right? Like, what part is actually running the self-awareness here? Is it actually that I just needed to be self-aware about a situation that I didn't know? Or is it I need to be self-aware so I can show that I am a responsible human, that I am, that I do know what I'm talking about, that I am able to manage things. So it's like, cool, we're self-aware, this is great, it's a beautiful step. How is it now taking over and running the show?

SPEAKER_00 55:57

Yeah. It's also a control piece because when you're self-aware, then you can control how people see you. And so you can kind of take a negative and turn it into a positive, right? Where it's like, oh, I know that sometimes I can do X, Y, Z, but look at me noticing that I'm taking accountability because it looks like taking accountability. I'm taking accountability and I'm so smart and I'm so self-aware, right? So it's like this this piece around there's this part that I hate that I don't want anybody to see. So I'm gonna call it straight out and I'm gonna act like I'm taking accountability. Because that's what's the good thing to do. And it's it's like it's that responsibility piece, it's that control piece. Because if I tell you, I get to control the narrative, I get to control the way that you see this, and you get to like you can't fucking call me out on it because I've already said that I know that I do that.

SPEAKER_02 56:42

Yeah, right. And the thing that kind of comes to my head is as much as we can all sit here and be like, I want growth and change, what does your self-awareness give you? It means that you don't actually have to grow or change because you're self-aware about it. So it's kind of like, where am I saying that I'm self-aware about it and doing nothing with it?

SPEAKER_00 57:02

Mmm, yeah. And that's really uncomfortable when you realize that you're being self-aware but you're not actually changing anything. And it's very like to to you know, to give you a bit of a pat on the back sort of thing, it's very fucking difficult. It's hard to be self-aware and to know that you're doing something and to struggle to do something with it. So this is where our somatics come in, this is where our embodiment comes in, this is where our integration comes in. So this is taking that awareness of going, I know that I do this, whether or not you know why, it's not always necessary. Sometimes it's better not to know why because then your brain doesn't close the fucking loop on it. Yeah, so it's like I know that I do this thing and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to change it. So then we go, okay, cool. What would the opposite version of me do? Not to get rid of it completely, but just to go, okay, cool, let's take the gym for an example, because I feel like it's such a universal experience. I view myself as the type of person who was never sporty, who was never, you know, picked for teams, I don't like sports. So then you automatically put that into exercise. Or it's this piece of like, I need to exercise so that I look good. Because we were all raised in the fucking 90s where that was a huge thing. Yeah, okay, cool. We don't talk about that anymore and like, you know, body autonomy and like everybody's lovable and all the things, but we need to understand that our conditioning came from that time where the way that you looked was important. Okay, we can't undo that. We can certainly sit here and change our beliefs on it and all of the things, but it takes time and we need to understand that that conditioning is also there. Okay, so it's like great. Instead of doing it for the reason of like I need to look good, because now I've had three kids and my fucking nipples are somewhere around my belly button, and that's never gonna fucking like no matter no amount of chest presses or push-ups is gonna change that. Unfortunately, that's just gravity taking its fucking course. I want to exercise because I want to be the type of person who looks after myself. Does that align with my identity now? No. So cool. What would that person do if she actually cared about herself? And this is the tricky bit. Because I know that I heard this so many times and I'm like, well, I don't fucking know. If I knew that, then I would already be doing it. And this is where the intellectualizing comes in again. Because it's really, it's pretty simple. If you care about yourself and you want to look after yourself, you force yourself to go to the gym, whether you want to or not. And I think that this is another piece that comes in, right? Where people are like, I'm just connected to my body, and I just like I just know that I just need to rest. I just need to not do this, I don't want to do it, and I'm in an era of like not forcing things. Like, babe, sometimes you gotta fucking force it, especially when you're in the middle of an identity shift, because everything in you, your ego is gonna come up with the best fucking reasons not to. Holy shit, it's good at justifying why you shouldn't. But this is the integration is it's like I don't want to go and I'm gonna go anyway. I don't like I feel uncomfortable and I'm still gonna go anyway. I don't like this and I'm still gonna do it. And so, and then it's sitting with that feeling of like, oh, I don't want to be here, or this feels really uncomfortable that I'm here, like blah, blah, blah. It's sitting in that emotion and just acknowledging it and being like, you know what? It's actually okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. It's actually okay to have negative emotions sometimes. We don't always have to be comfortable, but our body, like our brain wants to keep us comfortable.

Self-Awareness As A Doorway

SPEAKER_02 1:00:25

Yeah. I also think uh another piece here for everyone who is really, really self-aware. You're obviously listening to this, so you are. Your self-awareness is not actually the self-awareness that you think. Right. So it's so it's like, cool, I'm self-aware about this thing, I can see this pattern. You leave it there. But what happens if you weren't to leave it there, and you actually do go into the body, right? You actually go into the body, and that self-awareness, that pattern that originally came to you, is actually just the doorway to uncover a deeper pattern, a deeper belief, a deeper shadow. Because this is the thing when it comes to shadow work, is we see a lot of shadow work around journaling and it's a very conscious thing. This is not an unc this is not a conscious thing that we do. Steph and I are both somatic shadow work coaches because yes, your level of awareness is really wonderful, but your brain is here to protect you, which means that the pattern that I might think is here is actually going to be deeper. So if we were to go, cool, right now in my life, I'm extremely irresponsible. If you keep going underneath that, and I've done some like somatics around this, it kind of comes back to that useless piece. And it's like getting deeper and deeper and deeper. There's so many layers, so it's kind of like, cool, this is where we get to be curious. Yes, I'm a self-aware human, but my brain is protecting me from something, so this is the doorway. Your self-awareness might not be the self-awareness that you think. There is actually more doorways behind this thing that you know, and it's so and then like when it comes down to it, it's like once you start opening those doorways into yourself with your conscious mind, but then going into the body. What is actually the feeling that experience that you've had that your body knows that is protecting you from now? It does not want to feel it because it's so deeply uncomfortable and there is so much shame behind it that your brain is now kicked in with your self-awareness and going, okay, this is the pattern. But it's actually not, it's deeper than that, it's deeper and deeper and deeper. So it's like, cool, yes, you've got a level of self-awareness. Your self-awareness is not the destination because it is the doorway.

Relational Healing Builds Real Change

SPEAKER_00 1:02:26

I love that. I love that. I actually did that with a client the other day. She came into me and she's like, I'm really self-aware, I know that this is what it is. And I was like, actually, no, it's not, it's this. And she's like, Because it was like it was like two or three levels deeper than what she was saying. And I was like, You are saying this because X, I'm not gonna obviously say exactly what happened because I'm gonna protect her um her information, but she was just like, Oh my god. Oh my god. She's like, I did not realize that I was doing that. I'm like, of course you didn't, because your brain is fucking protecting you, it's staying up here, it doesn't want to go any deeper because either, yeah, it's uncomfortable or it's fucking painful. It hurts, and we don't want to be in pain. Like, and that's so, it's so valid. Like it's so valid. Your brain is doing that because it's beautiful, and it's like, it's like your protective enabling best friend who sits there and says, You, my friend, are the absolute fucking tits and you cannot do a single thing wrong. You are perfect the way you are. Yasqueen, you can do whatever the fuck you want. That is effectively what your egoslash brain is doing. And as soon as you start going like, oh, what about this, and actually starting to try and take that accountability, your brain's like, no, no, it wasn't you. No, it wasn't you. It wasn't you. And that's why you blame other people, right? So that's how I know if you've got like a quite a shallow version of self-awareness, is if you're blaming other people for it. You're outsourcing that shame because either it's it's really, really painful and it hurts too much, or you're still sitting at that like level of awareness where it's like, well, I know that I did this and it looks like taking responsibility, but it's actually really not. Like, I know that I did this first, but they also did this to trigger me. It's like you're still outsourcing what happened. And while ever you outsource to somebody else, you will never be in control of your reactions, ever. Because you're at the mercy of other people, and especially I find that like sometimes we do surround ourselves with people who trigger the shit out of us simply to prove that we are a reacting, angry fucking human. Like sometimes we surround ourselves with people who treat us badly so that we can continue to believe, oh, I'm just a piece of shit. Like that's what we do. It's what humans do, and it it sounds fucking cooked when you say it like that. But probably wrap it up there because this is a good convo. I but yes, if you are in this pattern, in this trap, you're kind of like probably at the top of the merry-go-round. You feel safe up there. It feels safe up there because nothing can get you. It's like I know what's going on, I can see everything underneath me. I know what's going on. This is all good, this is perfect. But like it is actually sometime eventually, we have to come down, and we have to get off the Ferris wheel because other people want to get on the fucking Ferris wheel as well.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:16

Yeah, we need to go find a different ride to look at.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:21

We need to go on the roller coaster. I think it would fucking feel your shit. But this is we're yeah, like this is the sort of things that that we do, and Lorinda and I both have this uh you we're very good at spotting patterns, we're very good at reading between the lines and seeing the things that you don't see and hearing the words that you're not saying, and kind of calling those out lovingly in a you know, in a way that we hope feels like it like at the door opening, so that you can go through and have a look if you would like to. But it can be, I mean, can you do this stuff on your own? Of course you can, absolutely you fucking can. But Is it at warp speed when you're with somebody else who who is kind of able to spot things like that? And I mean, like, we are trained in somatics, we're trained to read your body. I don't know how many fucking times I've said something to a client or they're in like a process or something, and they'll swallow. I'm like, what the fuck are you swallowing? Like, what was that? And they're like, How did you know? And I'm like, What do you mean?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:24

Yeah. But there's you to do it. Yeah. And I think when you're talking about like, can you do it by yourself? Yes. But then that's not fully integrating the shadow, then, because I can tell you, yep, I've got all these shadows, but I will I will show them for myself, but I will hide them with other people. And that is where the shadow will live. It will stay hidden. So I'm not saying to go out right now and show the entire world, but it's like, how can you start showing more people this? Because that is where the shadow gets to actually integrate. Integration is the most important part, but everyone tends to think it's just by regulating your nervous system once you've gone through a process. It's not, it's by allowing those parts of you to start be seen a little bit more, and having that and having that proof there that oh, I'm seen this way, and I'm still loved, and I'm still accepted, and I'm still me. Doing shadow work by yourself is really beautiful to start your journey. But if you're being somebody who's been in your journey for a while now and things are still feeling stark, this is where the collective healing comes in. And there's this thing around cool, a lot of the time our wounds have come from relational trauma, parents, friends, partners. Relational trauma heals with relational healing.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:42

Yeah. Yeah. And again, you can only sort of see what your brain will allow you to see. And this is why you can stay in the same patterns for years and years and years before you finally manage to bust out of it. Whereas if you've got somebody in your corner who like because a huge amount of the shadow is shame. That's why we keep it hidden, because we're ashamed of it. So, like directly proportional or the way that to kind of move through shame, A to feel it, but B to let it be seen. Yeah. You can open with I'm really ashamed of this. But like honestly, people tell me shit all the time, and they you can see on their fucking face that they're expecting me to be like, oh my god, you're a terrible person. I'm like, tell me more. Yeah. Like, oh, like I love it. I fucking froth it. Tell me more. Tell me all your dirty secrets. Cause like I fucking I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna sit here and be like, oh my god, you're a piece of shit. I'm like, oh, like, did this happen to you? Like, do you do this? Does this what it does this happen as well? I'm like, oh yeah, okay, cool, so it's this. Yeah, it's like that's why you do it. That's the pattern, that's the piece. And they're like, oh my god, so I'm not broken. No, of course you're fucking not. It makes sense psychologically, and like with with that piece where you can make sense of it sometimes, sometimes you do need that because it's like, oh, I'm not broken. It's like, no, of course you're not. Oh my god, we'll do it.

DM Us And Closing Message

SPEAKER_02 1:08:55

It's like the biggest theme in all of my retreats, and the thing is they all come in with like, yeah, this is what's happening, and they all leave and they're like, I just didn't realize I'm like trying to sit here and fix myself. And the thing is, I don't need fixing because I'm not broken, and like just to hear that from people's mouths, and like one, it's great and terrible marketing because most people don't realize that they're actually feeling that way, right? If I show this to people, then what are they gonna do? Our brain's like, yeah, nothing. I don't care what people think of me, yes, you do. The people who do that, yeah, the fuck you know, and then at the end, when I we're all sitting together and they're like, Wow, I came to this retreat to fix this thing, but it didn't really need fixing, it just needed love and support and to be held in what I'm saying. So, but if you have any pieces that you would love to share with us, anything that you would love to us to expand on from this or any other conversations, please just send us a DM. We are both uh taking clients still at the moment, so that's really really exciting to have more people in our world through one-to-one, and I think Steph's got a program at the moment.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:07

Yeah, it launches next Monday though, so quick sticks.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:10

Yeah, I only have to go on the wait list for the next one. I have a retreat next month and oh god, the month after, which is coming out really quickly. But we are opening our books at the moment to take on new clients, so if that's something that you're interested in, you can message us. But yeah, thank you, and we'll talk next time.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:32

Your story does not end here. Permission granted to keep fucking up and figuring it out.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:37

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SPEAKER_00 1:10:49

We'll be here holding space for all of your beautiful chaos. Keep writing, keep exploring, and keep being real.