The Sacrifice Trap - It Happens To Everyone

We pull apart the stories we inherit about sacrifice and get brutally honest about when it helps us grow and when it becomes a cover for avoidance. We name the identity and nervous system patterns underneath hustle, martyrdom, and “super mum” culture so we can choose trade-offs with more clarity and less resentment. 
• sacrifice as a short season rather than a permanent lifestyle 
• ego boosts and identity pay-offs that keep struggle in place 
• asking for flexibility and support instead of treating life as fixed 
• parenting examples that show how beliefs become rules 
• grief and identity shifts as kids grow and roles change 
• “secondary gain” and the excuses that protect us from change 
• money, stability, fulfilment, and taking a long-term view in business 
• why sacrifice does not guarantee the outcome you want 
• emotional capacity, integration, and when healing work becomes avoidance 
• values alignment as the test for what you keep sacrificing 

If you love this episode, please leave a review, share it to your friends, and also always message us if there's a topic that you would love to for us to talk on.

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Steph is here and Lurinda is here.

Transcript

Welcome To The Shadow Diaries

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Shadow Diaries. This isn't a Deer Diary, it's a dear shadow.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Here we are pulling the curtain back to the good, the bad, and the ugly to bring light to those deep inner thoughts and feelings you keep on having but are too ashamed to admit to. To provide a safe space and get radically honest about what's holding you back and what shadow work really is.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

This isn't surface level. It dives deep into your soul to meet it with acceptance and compassion. There is no need to hide. All is welcome. This can be a space where you learn and receive real women, real stories, real shadows.

The Sacrifice Story We Inherit

When Sacrifice Becomes Your Identity

SPEAKER_01 0:34

This is the Shadow Diaries, and your story starts now. Welcome back to the Shadow Diaries. Today we've got a little bit of a juicy one for you that I feel will probably be a little bit confronting for some people. Today we are talking about the notion of sacrifice, right? Like we have been told our entire lives. I don't know how many times I heard things like motherhood is a sacrifice or you know, financial gain, you have to sacrifice things. In order to be financially stable, you have to sacrifice your social life. In order to buy a fucking house, you need to sacrifice your avocado on toast. Like everything, we're taught that everything that you want, you have to sacrifice something else to get there. And while that's true to a degree, obviously we only have a finite amount of time or resources available to us at any given time. We are noticing this particular trend where sacrificing absolutely everything else for one thing seems to be in at the moment. It's like you are being a strong person. You are really hustling, you are doing all of these things. But the thing with sacrifice, for me in life anyway, is that sacrifice is supposed to be a short period of time. And whether that is you're sacrificing, you know, going out with friends for three years so that you can save a deposit for a house, you're sacrificing maybe some of your time and your sleep while your kids are really little so that you can have them in your life. You maybe you're sacrificing, you know, a job while you raise your kids. Like maybe you're sacrificing time with your kids so that you can go back to work, like whatever it is. Sometimes there are two things that just don't work together at the same time. But when we place these temporary sacrifices into a permanent situation, like, oh, I've had kids and now they're 12, but I still like when they're at home, I can't exercise. Like when they're at home, I can't do X, Y, Z. I couldn't possibly, you know, I don't know what age you, you know, start to leave your kids at home. I certainly have not done that yet. Um, because they'd probably kill each other. But, you know, like it's it's that piece of like, at what point are we sacrificing because we have heavily tied ourselves to the identity of somebody who sacrifices or somebody who is like the high performer or the stay-at-home mum, or the, you know, the the wife who doesn't go out or whatever it is. And what are we sacrificing on the back end that we don't even realize that we have completely let go of?

unknown 3:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

And then as you were saying that, it was like, where are we just sacrificing in order to sacrifice? So, like, sometimes we go, well, I'm doing this, which means I lose this, which then gives you an ego boost. It gives you that little boost of, well, I'm the super mum and I've been through this so many fucking times and I caught myself out on it again. But it's like, oh, I am choosing to sacrifice, so therefore, you can't come at me because I am sacrificing. I'm putting other people's needs above my own. I'm choosing to do this, so therefore, that's the justification. And when it comes to growth, there are things that you will have to sacrifice, and there are things that you are choosing to sacrifice. And that is a really hard one that we all have to learn. And even like what Steph said, with sacrifice being temporary, it is also needed because your nervous system is wired to build safety and capacity along your journey. What I did five years ago and sacrificed five years ago, I don't need to do that now. Because that's not the same person. I'm not the I don't have the same identities, I don't have the same roles, I don't have the same capacity, I have more, thank God. But I don't need to sacrifice those things. But also, like, where do I step into roles that one allow me to sacrifice more because it fills me? And two, where am I sacrificing because I feel like that's where I believe I need to?

SPEAKER_01 4:34

Also, a third to add to that where am I sacrificing to avoid changing? Like, where am I staying exactly where I've always been? And that gives me the excuse or the reason to not move forward elsewhere. Like, oh, I'm a workaholic, so you know, I just don't have the space for a relationship right now. I'm hustling my career. You know, I am a stay-at-home mum, so I don't have the time to sacrifice for like my health.

unknown 5:07

Yeah.

Stop Treating Life As Fixed

SPEAKER_01 5:08

And it's again, those two things don't have to be mutually exclusive, but it's it's like that all or nothing approach coming into this where we tell ourselves that it has to be a certain way. I think that another shadow piece that comes in here is that struggle to receive that struggle to ask for things to change at all. Like, you know, okay, cool. Maybe I work full-time, like maybe you're a maybe you're a single person who doesn't have kids and you work full time, but you are not asking whether or not you could take that overtime in lieu. Like, hey, can I work 10 hours Monday through Thursday and then finish like or take Friday off? Like, could this be flexible in some way? Could this change? We lock ourselves in, and I used to see this in sleep all the time. I see this in parenting all the time, where you are still living like you have a newborn and your kid is five.

unknown 6:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Like, oh, they need the, you know, like with sleep, especially, they need the secure attachment, they need to be close to me all the time. It's like, no, no, newborns and infants, absolutely. Your five-year-old does not need to be attached to your hip at every single moment in order to build secure attachment. If that's what you want to do, go off. Like, I couldn't personally think of anything worse. But, you know, if that's what you love, that is so fine. But let's not tell ourselves that it has to be. And you know, some people genuinely believe this and they've never really challenged it or never seen anything else on it. But you can start to sort of see people who go, like, oh no, yeah, I couldn't possibly do it. Like, I can't leave them with their dad at their five and they just don't cope. And again, again, there's so much nuance to every single topic that we bring in. Like, obviously, if there's something along the lines of, you know, neurodiversity or some sort of like div developmental delay or, you know, abuse or anything like that, this is going to be different. We are not talking to you. But the problem is that people love to think that they're the exception when realistically they're probably not.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

Yeah. I feel like as you were talking about that, it's the identity piece, right? Because it's like, cool, like, actually look at the reason that you're sacrificing or you're not sacrificing. So it's like, okay, yes, the newborn has to be with you all the time, but the toddler's on your hip. I like to refer myself as a helicopter parent. Well aware, everybody. I actually really enjoy being with my little dude all of the time, right? Some days we could leave each other, that would be nice. But most of the time we're all together. But as he grows up and he doesn't need me as more, as much anymore, it's like, oh, the identity is that we've shifted into a new chapter. But I want that toddler, I want that neediness, I want that love and that affection. So, what identity am I now having to grieve? Actually, it's been a big chapter for me. Um, my two eldest ones, my stepdaughters, they are becoming adults. And I'm currently going through a bit of a grief cycle around that because for my entire adult life, I have had the identity of stepparent. My every second weekend has been what are we gonna get up with to with the girls? Or, you know, there's a new restaurant open, maybe we should wait till the girls are here. And it's been a big, big, big chapter coming to a close of like my life doesn't actually revolve around them, and their lives don't revolve around me. And so the identity I have to step into is like, okay, cool, I'm not their default person anymore. They don't need me as much. So who am I outside of that role? Yes, I have a seven-year-old who's pretty cruisy. I'm really not needed as much anymore. So the identity I have to shift is like, okay, well, if I'm not giving something to somebody, who am I? Why do they love me? Are they going to come back? And my little abandonment thing comes out. So you can see here how straight away, by shifting a chapter in life, you have to be asked, what identity am I attaching to this? What is the sacrifice? I spent 10 years of my life being their step parent. I chose to sacrifice towards the end of this chapter. I do not have to sacrifice as much. That's weird. It's odd. But then you can start seeing, cool, where is that? Like, okay, if you couldn't hear out, it was the needy shadow. Right? So, where else does that shadow kind of start manifesting? Well, I'm checking in on my clients a lot more. I was gonna say, with that, you're gonna have to be careful in your work, my friend. Yeah. And so it's like when you start to change your sacrifices of going, cool, I'm gonna pull back on this. You need to understand what part of you was choosing to sacrifice. What did you gain out of sacrificing this? For me, me sacrificing that time, and I'm not saying it was just like a sacrifice, it was such a gift, but it means I didn't have a lot of me time. Right? I don't really, didn't really know myself for a long time. But it was okay to me then because, well, I'm needed.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Plus, like it also, because I know your story, it helped you to avoid who you were because there was a huge part of your like earlier 20s where you really didn't fucking like yourself that much. So it's like really. Oh no, no, no, no, no. Like, yeah, like I'm focusing on the kids, I'm focusing on my partner, I'm focusing on my relationship, I'm focusing, focusing, focusing. I'm just sacrificing my 20s right now. But it's like also, where's the secondary game?

The Secondary Gain Of Struggle

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Yeah, I don't have to figure out all my shit. I get to avoid all of the dark shit. Like the last 12 months, especially for me, I've like moved into a lot, I've had a lot of like emotional releases, and that's stuff that I was avoiding for so many years. But even now, like as you're talking, I'm kind of like, okay, well, the other thing that I've gotten to avoid is like taking my business to that next level because I have more time. Right? Like I have at the moment, I have one child at home. We're pretty good, and he's pretty type A, my child. So he gets all of his shit done so we can chill out, which means I have even more time. So then my body goes, Oh my god, if I have more time, I actually can be more productive and find myself and Jim and work on my business. There's there's really no excuse because the excuse I didn't realize I was running was like, Well, my business is not doing what I want it to do because I do have three children. Ouch. That hurt my feelings.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Just over here hurting your own feelings. But it is like, and this is what we do. This is a huge amount of what we do. I had this conversation with a client yesterday around um, I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, but she was like, I just can't, because she's also a coach, and she was like, I just can't spot this stuff without like I can I can see it when you're telling me or when you're coaching me through it and asking me questions, but I cannot see it myself. And it's like, you're not supposed to. Like, this is where the coaching aspect comes into it. And like Ren and I, we love, we love getting all up in each other's shit. Like, we love asking really, really rude mean questions. I preface a lot of my hard questions with my clients being like, this is really mean. Um, but it is that piece of going, what am I allowing myself to avoid or sacrificing in a secondary way while I sit here and focus on this? Is it that you feel like you are a great business owner, a great mom, a great wife, a great friend, a great employee, but you're shitty in one of those other roles. So it's oh no, I have to sacrifice, you know, I see it a huge amount with mums who are working or not working as well. And this is not an attack, by the way. We are both working mums. We fucking, I do not care how you choose to run your motherhood journey. That is completely up to you. I genuinely could not care less as long as you're happy. But a lot of mums who do come to me, they're like, oh yeah, I work full-time and I absolutely have to. There is absolutely no way around it. And it's like, well, is that necessarily true? Or would it mean potentially sacrificing your income level, potentially sacrificing the holidays, potentially sacrificing the nice house, the clothes. And like, if you don't want to sacrifice that, by the way, that is okay. But let's call a spade a spade. Right? Like, it doesn't make you a shitty mum because you don't want to sacrifice those things. You're allowed to have both. You are allowed to run it however you want. And my opinion is a happy mum is a good mum. Yeah. Genuinely could not fucking care less what you choose to do with your time. Because, like, I mean, realistically, I look, I I saw a post this morning that was around this sort of thing. It was around a woman talking about how she'd chosen to formula feed from the get-go. She hadn't breastfed even a drop. And there were people obviously coming at her in the comments because that tends to be a highly contentious topic. And I was thinking about it, and I remember feeling so much guilt because I formula fed exclusively my first baby from about five weeks old, because we had all sorts of like I was mixed feeding him from two weeks and I was formula feeding him from five weeks. That was the happiest infant phase that I had. The next two, I breastfed, and I was fucking miserable. The second one I did it because I didn't get the experience with my first, and I felt so fucking guilty about it, and I felt like such a failure that I pushed and pushed, and I wish that I hadn't. I really wish I hadn't. And the third, I had no fucking choice because she was intolerant to the world. But it's like I was sacrificing, like for me, it was it was an image piece. It was a self-worth piece. It was a my body feels like it's failing piece. And so now I'm sacrificing my happiness and stepping into that martyr kind of archetype where I'm like, no, no, I'm just giving more to my kids. I'm just doing more for my kids. When really it was like that control piece. It was the I don't want to feel like a failure piece. I want to feel like I'm doing the absolute best thing for my child. And back then I didn't recognize that what was best for me was best for my kids as a general. Again, that is highly nuanced, not always, but certainly in my household, I am a raging psychopath when I don't get enough sleep, when I don't get enough space, when I don't get enough time to do the things that light me up. And I adore my children, but I am a far better parent when I do not see them all day, every day. Unfortunately. It is what it is.

Money Fulfilment And The Long Game

SPEAKER_00 15:19

Yeah. And I think also like coming to sacrifice, it's like, what are the things? Because I feel like there's two different sides of the sacrifice. Like one of like what are you holding on to, but also like what do you feel like you need to let go of? And it's like when you choose to sacrifice, what are you gaining? Like that is the question. Like, if you're sacrificing something, what are you gaining because of that? Yeah. Like for me, like sacrificing a chapter of my business of like going, cool, I'm not going to be working certain hours, is because sacrificing that time to make more money is because I wanted more time with my children. Simple as that. Like, what what is the reason that you're sacrificing it and what are you getting out of it? Is it actually beneficial? Is it actually fulfilling you? Like, and uh, this is we're talking about examples before, and um this morning I had a client, we were talking about the same thing, and I I have this, I'm a visual thinker, everybody, but like essentially this this pie, and you've got all these different pieces of pie. And so for her, she was talking about how she's working a lot to get the financial part. And I'm like, well, ask your and I was just going through the somatic part, and I'm like, ask your body this. If you continue down this path, will you be able to take care of yourself? And instantly she said no. Her body and her health was being sacrificed just to make sure the financial part. And the thing was, she was fine in the financial part. It was just nice to have extra money, and don't we all fucking feel that? Absolutely. And then I was talking about Steph on the other side of that, of like, so uh I run retreats, and this will be my fourth retreat coming up in May. So for the last two retreats, I have actually not run out of profit, and I'm very open about that. And I came home from the last retreat and I said to Matt, like my partner, I said, Holy moly, even though I do not get the financial part of that pie, every other part of that pie gets fulfilled. The creation part of me, of building a retreat, uh having people to support me in something that I love, the coaching, the connection. Like I come home so fulfilled. It's just the financial part of that retreat that I did not get. And so I said to myself, do I want to sacrifice something that fulfills me so much just because of the financial part? Or can I supplement the financial part for something else?

unknown 17:36

Right?

SPEAKER_00 17:37

This is why I do one-to-ones. This is why I also work for a certification. Like that supplements it. And I sacrifice money a lot in order to run these retreats. Is it a great business idea? It's it's really not. I'm gonna be fucking honest with you. But it fulfills me in so many ways that to me, right now, that financial sacrifice is giving me something.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

But again, I would challenge that because, like, by definition, a business is there to make a profit, right? That's the point of a business. So they say. However, there's more than one way to like to get that profit, right? You can do it in the right now, where it's okay, cool, running retreats is a stupid business decision in terms of the finances. But A, it fulfills you as a business owner, B, it hones your skills because you are working with these women in real time for a full weekend. It also allows you to get to a different depth with them. So then they're more likely to refer, they're more likely to tell their friends, they're more likely to like love you and potentially buy other things that you're offering. So it's like, okay, right in this moment, yes, I'm losing money, but what is the long-term impact of that? And I was talking to um another friend about this earlier about running ads. And I was like, Do you, do you make a profit from it? And she was like, look, some days I do, some days I don't. But I've had people come in off of ads that have not bought the thing that I'm advertising, but then have signed up for one-to-one. And so it's like, in that case, that particular ad set did fucking great. But we don't have any way of tracking it. So it's like, it's all of the, and this is when we're talking sacrifice, like this is this is like that larger, that larger holistic view, right? Where again, if you are like Lorinda was just then focusing only on that financial piece of the pot, yes, it's a dumb idea. But when you're looking at all of the other pieces as well and looking at that bird's eye view, going, yeah, actually, you know what? I'm chill with that because of all of these potential benefits. And we don't know if it's going to turn into long-term or revenue. We have no fucking idea. But we hope that it will in some way, because it is gaining, like we're gaining things from other perspectives. And I think there is so much emphasis, whether you're in business or you're not, there's so much emphasis on money, and rightly so. Like, I don't I don't sit here and believe, like, you know, money can't buy you happiness. I I disagree fundamentally. I disagree. Like, okay, cool. Uh there's obviously people who are rich who are fucking miserable, but it what it can buy you is stability. It can buy you support, it can buy you space, it can buy you like I said stability already. So it's like, you know, you can grow if you're not worried about the roof over your head, if you're able to go to the supermarket and buy food, if you're able to go to the fucking petrol station and fill your car up. Like those, like it does buy you all of those things. And I don't believe that you can have happiness without feeling looked after in that regard and feeling stable in that regard. Like human beings like the stability. We like to know what's coming, and we don't like it's not a very nice feeling living paycheck to paycheck. So it's not to sit here and say that we're going like, oh, poo-poo the money, like fuck it. No, absolutely not. We are both in beautiful positions where our partners work very, very hard for our families, and we have spoken about this before that we don't speak about it a lot because we feel very, um, what's the word we use for that one? Privileged. Privileged, that's right. It's a privilege piece. And like, again, fully, fully aware that we're speaking from that position. But also, I think that a lot more people are more in that than what they realize, and they're telling themselves that they have to sacrifice right now for X, Y, Z, and then they turn around and look because they didn't do it from a holistic bird's eye intentional like space.

unknown 21:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

And they look back and go, fuck, I missed, I missed so much. Like that was not, that was not a good sacrifice. It was not the right sacrifice to make. And I didn't actually have to sacrifice that. Like I didn't actually have to be working full time fucking 60 hours a week. Yeah. I did, and and you know, I I made that decision with the best that I had at the time, and that was the decision that I made in the moment. And I, you know, I do believe in giving yourself the grace for the decisions that you made with the best information that you had at the time. But really. Looking at these things. And again, shadow work is all about radical acceptance and radical honesty. And if we are sacrificing something, for me, I'm damn sure that I know why.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Yeah. And this is where you kind of like the sacrifice piece here of making that decision is am I making this decision because of someone's perception, of someone's like judgment, my own conditioning, my own beliefs? Like, is this actually coming from a place that doesn't need to? Or is it coming from a place of yes, I know that this is what I want to do and this is what I need to sacrifice right now? And I also think as you were talking as well, and it's the worst part. Just because you sacrifice something doesn't mean you are going to gain something out of it.

unknown 22:42

Ouch!

SPEAKER_00 22:43

Because as you were talking, yes, we talk about sacrifice, and I just said, what do you actually gain out of it? You do want to have a look at why you're sacrificing it. What is the outcome you are after, but you are not entitled to that outcome. And this is coming from a place of like how many times I've heard people say, I sacrificed everything for you when you were a child, and look at what you've given me now. Yes. Yes. You are not entitled to entitled to that outcome. You can hope for it. You can try your best. But one, and this is obviously from the lens of like that child or whoever you are does not owe you a single fucking thing because you chose to sacrifice. But even for me and my business, I sacrifice finance. Does that mean that I'm now going to be entitled for people to refer me, for people to blow me up and make me go viral and make me a million dollars? No. I'm choosing that sacrifice. I'm fucking well aware of it. I could make things more expensive. I could not run retreats. I could take longer to advertise. I could put more money into ads and try and sacrifice that and in order to have more ability to gain something, but you are not entitled to that outcome. That is where we get a lot of lost. And it fucking sucks. As Steph and I are business owners, obviously we have a lot of business examples because there is a lot of sacrifices that are made, right? My family has sacrifices because I'm building a business, which means that sometimes I'm not fucking available for my family.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

Yeah. I think it also comes down to, like as you were speaking there, it's the intention, right? Because if you are like it's exactly that. If you are intending to sacrifice something and you have a very specific, clear outcome on that, like we can take parenting as an example. I sacrificed 18 years, I sacrificed my body, I sacrificed the best years of my life for you, and now you don't speak to me. You didn't sacrifice that from a place of love, from a place of like, I chose to have this baby. Like, and again, not to say that it's not allowed to be hard. We never say that. But like, your fucking kids don't owe you that. You chose to bring them into the world. Are we being for fucking real here? Like, that was your decision. That was not the child's decision. And again, that's not to say that your child should not respect you, but respect is a two-way street, my friend. And I speak about this a lot in my content. But it is that piece of going, like, if you are genuinely sacrificing from a space of alignment, of this is what I value off of this is what I want to do at this time, this is how I am choosing. And again, reminding you that sometimes this is a privilege of being able to choose exactly what you'd like to do or be able to change your situation, that there are some situations that are just not changeable. And again, we are not speaking to you if that is your case, if that is your situation. However, we are speaking to the people who do have the control. If you are choosing to be the stay-at-home mum and to give up your career for 10 years to stay at home with the kids, then we don't do that because we want the kids to like be fucking obsessed with us. Because that's always a wild card. We never really know what they're gonna turn out like, or we can really do is our best and hope like hell that they don't turn into fucking you know something bad. Um but it is that piece again of like, okay, cool. I like for me in my business at the moment, I am not willing anymore to work outside of school hours. Yeah. I am not willing to do it simply because, firstly, it's not in alignment with with my values. My family is my highest value, and I will always put time into that. My kids are still very young, and my husband works a lot. So then we would have to put them into after school care and things. It is just not something that I'm willing to do at this point in time. But I am very aware of that. So I'm not sitting here blaming my kids, going, oh, if only they could be older, like why do you have to be so fucking clingy and needy? Why do you always have to need me so much? Like, husband, why do you always have to be at work? Like, why isn't anybody helping me? I am very, very clear about the choices that I'm making.

SPEAKER_02 26:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Which means that I don't feel resentful for it. Which is lovely. And I think coming into this piece that there is there's probably going to be people listening to this who do have a huge amount of resistance. Oh, it must be nice, that's not me, etc. etc. and so forth. But I cannot tell you how many people I've spoken to who have told me that there is absolutely no way that they could make XYZ work. But what it actually is is that it doesn't fit perfectly. It doesn't tick all of the boxes that they're struggling with, and it doesn't like it doesn't cross off any that they're not willing to cross off. Right? Like effectively, they want their cake and to eat it too.

SPEAKER_00 27:31

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 27:33

And they're not willing to go, okay, cool. Yeah, parts of this might be uncomfortable, parts of this might not quite work, but 80% of it's good. That I'm just gonna have to deal with the 20% instead of living over here in the 20% and foregoing the 80%.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Yeah. I think also to like bring um the shadow work here for you, if you're listening, obviously, if you're listening to this, you've been into shadow work. That's why we're here. It's like what part of me believes that I can't do this? What part of me believes that I must sacrifice? Because when I actually get down to the nitty-a-gritty, a lot of my beliefs come from societal conditioning, that I should be working full-time, that my business should be making money by now, right? Because of all the beliefs on social media, how I see coaches, oh, I made a hundred grand in a year. Right? Then the fear of failure comes in. So it's like what part of me believes that I need to sacrifice, and what part of me is not willing to sacrifice because I'm not ready to let go.

unknown 28:32

Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

And I was talking to Steph about this before, is like the 90-second uh theory of an emotion lasts 90 seconds, and you think to yourself, if an emotional lasts 30 seconds, why the fuck do I still feel this way? It's because there's a part of you that will not let it go, that you haven't fully felt it, and there's a story and an identity attached to this. The example here is I actually started my business as a revenge thing. Yes, we love a petty girly. So to give you an understanding, my business is called Perspective by Lorinda. Before my partner and I split up, we ended up short, very short story for you new here. We split up for a period of time. We're back together. When we split up, the year before we split up, so funny now what I do. He actually did this personal development 90-day challenge. I wasn't into personal development, fucking couldn't stand the side of it. For obvious reasons I was avoiding. But he kept saying to me, that's your perspective. I would bring something to him. We were toxic motherfuckers. He's like, that's your perspective. That's your perspective. So when we separated, I finished my personal training, so at three and four, because I thought, fuck him. I'm gonna build something for myself. So when I had to name my business, I thought, that's great. That's my perspective now. Amazing. I don't even know where I started with this because I just went into like the absolute emotion of that. But it's like, oh yeah, the emotion thing. Here we go. Yep. That emotion during the first part of my business was all about revenge. My motivation was to get back at other people. Because we all know that pain's a really great fucking motivator. The problem was is that I, if I was to de-attach my business from the pain and from the revenge, what fucking motivation was I gonna have? What was my driver? Because that revenge piece allowed me not even to have the fear of failure. I can tell you right now, that first year of PT, I was fucking delusional. I don't know how I did it. But that's because the pain was the driver. But what I was avoiding was the sadness of my relationship breakdown. The fear of actually failing, because anytime it came up, it's like doesn't matter, I'll just fucking do it anyway. Fuck him. But then obviously we go back together. And so as things started to move, I'm like, oh my God, I'm feeling these things. And then I shut it back down because I'm like, if I don't have the pain, I don't have a drive. And if I don't have a drive, my business will fail. You can see how attached in.

SPEAKER_01 31:13

Yeah. And that's such a that's such a cool example of like the identity pieces that are driving this. It's not always as obvious, right? And it's not like in that sort of situation, it's not always a fucking negative. Right? Like, we're like, no, you should always be healed and you should always be like free from pain and you should like this should motivate you, not that, and yeah. Like, I'm sorry. That's like I I live, live for like the post-divorce glow-ups. Live for them. Because if you are going to take your pain, right, we all know how damaging pain can be in somebody's life. If you can take that and channel it into something that is helpful, in something that will benefit you in a way to grow and channel it and process it that way, that's way better than being a complete douchebag to everybody around you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:14

I'm just I never knew that story. That's the best. Yeah. And it's still funny that my business is called Perspective by Lorinda now. It was actually perspective fitness and health when I was a personal trainer, and then I kept it because I was like, you know what? Even though I don't have that identity still attached to it, even though it was funny just then, I was like, oh, I could feel that little bit of revenge coming back. It was like I just wanted to keep it because it was such a memory. But it's like what you said, it's like channeling that into something that's so helpful. The part that we forget is at some point it may not be helpful. And so the example of this was there's two things that happened from my relationship. Yes, I did lose an absolute fuck ton of weight. Yeah. Right. And then also coupling the fact that I went into hustle mode. I was a single parent during COVID. So, like my partner, honestly, really great fucking co-parent, like he really tried to come down and and see um see us because we moved states, um, so I would have more support. So, like I was a single parent, then COVID hit, so then there was fucking no support. Then trying to like run a business when I've never done that before, and I worked at a gym. So a fuck ton of weight. And the reason that happened is because I was so burnt out from hustling and hustling and hustling. Like, I unfortunately, like looking back now, such bad habits. I would just pick the chicken nuggets off the fucking plate. That would be my lunch, and then I'd go to the gym and then I'd exercise in between clients, and like it was just there was never stopping. So it's like that revenge was pushing me of like essentially fuck you for like breaking up with me. Um, and then I got to really low weight. I'm actually the same weight now, but it's such a different weight. Like before it was so unhealthy and now it's healthy, but it was that revenge piece that I just couldn't let go and then it became detrimental. So for the start, it fucking built the start of my business. It built part of my identity. I felt fucking good about myself. I had something that was mine and no one could take away from me, but it went too far. That's where we need to like check in of going, cool. Yes, this part, this story, this identity is helpful. When is it now not fucking helpful? It's not helpful for me to run a business from fucking revenge. It's not. It's not helpful now, especially because I'm dating the man. So it's like, but then it's also like I want to run my business from a place of pleasure, of excitement, of enjoyment. And I had to to do that fully, I had to meet the part of me that was revenge.

SPEAKER_01 34:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:40

The part that was like, fuck you, the anger, the sadness. I had to meet that and actually experience it instead of just like allowing that 90-second theory to become 90 years. So fun fact about my experience. I know. Fuck you. Um but that's what it is, right? And that's that's what we're talking about. It's like this is the part where part work and shadow work comes in of like what part of me is driving this? Is it okay to do that, or is it now detrimental? Is this sacrifice coming from a place of pain and belief systems and conditioning that don't align with me? Or is it actually just time that I have to sacrifice something? Yeah. And that's okay. And it sucks sometimes to sacrifice things, but also what are we gaining? I did like so many parts of me got sacrificed over the 10 years, and looking back at it now, I fucking wouldn't change it, to be honest with you. I had to go through the pain of sacrificing shit. But I also can now look at my next decade and go, well, I'm not gonna fucking do that again, am I? I don't want to sacrifice. So already sacrificing things. What is just to be a little bit toxic positive, because we all love that here. What are you fucking learning from this sacrifice?

SPEAKER_01 35:59

I think it's also okay if you can't see what you're learning yet as well. Like if you're still in this situation, sometimes it can be difficult to see the silver lining.

SPEAKER_00 36:06

Um but yeah, I think hindsight's 2020.

Healing Work Capacity And Integration

SPEAKER_01 36:11

Yes, they do. Um but yeah, it's looking at things and going, at some point, the story, the belief, the shadow, the part was helpful in some way. It was protecting you from something. In that case, it was protecting Lorinda from really, really like a lot of pain. And she had just continue showing up. She had a little boy who was depending on her, and it was during COVID times. There was nobody else to do it. So it was on her. She didn't have that space to really feel those emotions. And I think that there is so much shit around that in the in the world. Like, what are you avoiding? What are you avoiding? What are you avoiding? You cannot always process things in the moment. When you are still going through it, I do not believe that you can process deeply. You may be able to process bits and pieces, like what's on the surface, but you cannot process that at a deeper level until there's been some time and space between those situations. Not always, of course, that there are certainly some things that would probably not sit with that, but there's so much pressure. It's like processing is becoming bypassing. Processing is becoming avoiding, processing is being like get over it. It's like the new get over it. It's I'm just processing my emotions, I'm processing my things. It's like, babe, that's still happening. You are you can't process something that you are still doing. It's like trying to fucking, I don't know, sell a painting that hasn't been finished yet. You don't know what that's gonna look like in the end. You got no idea. You gotta finish painting it first, and then you can step back and look at it and go, yeah, okay, cool. This is what I'm gonna name it. You can't do it in the moment. And it's, you know, where where is that sort of thing becoming maladaptive, right? Like, where are you using your healing journey and your oh, I'm like, you know, I'm doing all this work and et cetera, et cetera, to avoid other shit in your life.

SPEAKER_00 37:55

Yeah. I think two things came up for me when you were saying that. One is sometimes I will go to clients, do you actually want to process today? And they're like, no. And I'm like, cool. And they look at me like, but isn't that avoiding? I'm like, do you have capacity to process what's happening? No. Then honor that. Right? Like, there's so much shame in this industry of like, well, if I'm not doing the healing work now, if I'm not processing it now, am I not avoiding? And avoiding is bad. Uh, avoiding is a protection strategy, and your number one job, your body's number one job is to protect you. And I always ask my clients, do you actually have capacity? If you do not, there is no point of doing this. You're actually gonna feel worse because you're gonna come out and be like, well, why hasn't it changed? And because it's not ready to change. Yep. Yep. And the other thing that came up is I have actually told a client before, stop doing the healing work. Yeah. I've I've can't I've fired a couple of clients for that as well. Yeah, because what was happening was they like what ends up happening if you're going to a lot of your thing healing experiences and you have that is you go, cool. Well, I know that I'm gonna go do this thing on Friday, so I'll just release on Friday.

unknown 39:09

Right?

SPEAKER_00 39:09

Oh, I'm gonna go do this experience next month, so I'll just wait until then. And then what ends up happening is you end up abandoning yourself and you stop honoring what your body needs and you start going, my avoidance strategy now is I will just wait until something healing comes up so I can be supported, so that way my emotions can be held by somebody else, and I don't have to hold them by myself.

Values Resentment And Real Choices

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Yeah. And it's also that I think that for me is like a self-trust piece. It's you don't trust yourself necessarily to hold it. And sometimes I'd said to a client recently, she'd been with me for a year, and we were talking about whether or not she was going to extend her container, and I was like, honestly, I don't think you should. And she's like, What? I said to her, you need to go away and you need to integrate. You need to let things settle, you need to let things percolate, you need to stand on your own two feet, not come back to me. Like I would happily continue having you because I absolutely adore you. And you can always come back later on because this is not a linear process. You get to one level and you can hang out there for a while. Like things can be good for a bit. Why do we need to go searching for the next fucking up level? Stop it. Just be happy for a bit. You're allowed to just things are allowed to be fine. It's it's it's okay for things to just be fine. But I was like, you need to go. And she's like, she's like, Yeah, I think you're right. I said, Yeah, I know I am. Just be one with people. I I I say that regularly. I know. But it is that piece of like, I can see that. You can't read the label from inside of the jar. You can't see your own patterns playing out, but I sure as shit can. And sometimes it's you know, it's the time to be protected, it's the time to wrap yourself up in cotton wool and bubble wrap and clouds and all things, and just allow yourself to cocoon and just be in it and just not touch it, put it in a fucking box and put it up in your attic for now and just move on with things for right now. And then sometimes there's a time and a place to go, okay, it's time to get that box out of the fucking attic. Yeah. And it's time to, it's time to unpack this and it's time to deal with it. And coming back into the sacrifice piece. I guess it's yeah, when you are considering what you're sacrificing, when you're looking at your life and considering how unaligned you feel, how okay, cool, you may be really great in your business, you may be feeling really great in your motherhood journey, you may be feeling really great in your marriage, in your job, in whatever, but where is sliding? And are you okay with that? Genuinely, are you okay with that? Not from a place of I get my worth from this space. So that's where I'm gonna continue to pour, but from a space of when I look in the mirror, is this in alignment with my values? If you don't know your values, again, come chat. We love it. But effectively, generally speaking, if you're if you're fucking resentful, if you're hating things, if things are feeling really just, you know, like they're grating, probably living out of alignment with your values. And I have this conversation with clients all the time, and they absolutely fucking hate me for it because they'll be like in a full-time job, and I'm like, you miss your kids. And they're like, shut the fuck up. No, I don't. I can't possibly quit my job. My husband will do this, and people will shame me for being a stay-at-home mum, or you know, they'll be a stay-at-home mum and they'll go, oh no, I I couldn't possibly go back to work like my poor kids. And I'm like, but you need to. That's what you need. You need to use your brain. You need to feel like a human. Like, I can see it that that's where like that's a part of your identity that you've just fucking killed off and left in a field. You can't do that. Because you're gonna feel like this, it's gonna feel braiding all the time. And it's, I mean, I'm I think, you know, we've both managed a beautiful balance, which I'm extremely grateful for. Again, privileged place. But also not in a lot of ways. Like, yes, there are pieces of privilege there, but there are also sacrifices that we do make. And from a very intentional, this is this is what I want to look back and be proud of. From a very, like, we're I don't know about you, actually, I might do more about you, Rin, but like I'm constantly working on things. I'm constantly looking at things and going, is this working for me? Is this not working for me? Okay, cool. How could I possibly change it? It doesn't need to fully change, it doesn't need like I nearly fucking shut my business down a couple of months ago. I was close. It was really close. I came very far. I had the fucking message to all my clients drafted. I was I was done. And I stuck with it for a little bit longer, kept with it, and I realized, no, no, I don't actually want to do that. I just need to change a few bits and pieces that are just not feeling good anymore, that are grading, that are, you know, just not what. Working and now we're back. We're feeling good. We're creating things where, you know, we're doing the thing, which is is nice to be back. But it is constantly reflecting and going, is this still what I'm happy to sacrifice? Is this still what I'm happy for this to look like? Am I okay with that particular piece lighting? Like for me, in in that whole like fucking whatever the hell that was, metamorphosis, whatever. I don't know what it was. I don't know. But my health slid. Yeah. And I looked in the mirror and I'm like, well, my shorts don't fit. And my husband's like, no, you're fine. I'm like, I'm not though. Like, you can look at this and go, like, okay, cool, you can still love me for who I am. But that is like what is going on here, the actual realization here is not reflective of what is okay for me.

SPEAKER_02 44:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:52

Like I'm not looking after my health. That is not okay. Yeah. And it's it's looking at all of those things and going, yeah, am I okay with what is being sacrificed? Because you can't always give everything 100%. Sometimes things will slide, and that is okay. But it is having a good fucking good understanding of what that is and whether or not that is okay for you, how long that's okay for you, how long you're willing to sacrifice XYZ for. Is there a time where you're going to come back to it? Do you have other people to challenge what is going on? Are there identity pieces that are coming in here that you are not changing something because it allows you to avoid something else that you're telling yourself you can't change things because you're fucking terrified of what that might mean? And that's okay. That is okay. I am not sitting here saying, feel the fear and do it anyway, because sometimes you fucking can't. But just be honest with yourself. If you can't be honest with everyone else, be honest with yourself. What is actually going on here? Are we okay with this? If we're not, could we maybe start looking at what we could change?

SPEAKER_02 46:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 46:04

Just little things. And you're allowed to do it differently than other people. Yes. Big yes. It's I think it's getting rid of the shoulds and shouldn'ts.

Closing Review Share And Topic Requests

SPEAKER_00 46:17

Oh, we can go on a tangent about that. That would be a whole episode. Yes. Well, we hope you enjoyed this episode today around sacrifice. Please know that this is a topic that we don't take lightly. We understand that there's a lot of duality and nuance and so many different situations. We know the privilege that we sit on and then also the hard work that we've had to work to get here and the fact that we still see shit all of the time. And we're just human and you're allowed to have human experiences as well. So if you love this episode, please leave a review, share it to your friends, and also always message us if there's a topic that you would love to for us to talk on. We've talked on lots of different things. Sometimes we need more ideas because we can definitely talk, but we also want to be focused on what you really want to hear from shadow work, from real women, running businesses, being mums, being partners, all of the things. So we would love to hear from you.