S2 Ep21 What Imposter Syndrome Is Trying To Tell You

this episode came from a conversation I had in Costa Rica that I genuinely haven't been able to stop thinking about. I'd just finished my writing retreat, I was travelling solo, and someone asked me why I was there, and the moment I said I'd come for a writing retreat, I felt myself physically recoil. Because I knew what was coming. Are you writing a book? Who do you write for? Is this your job? And every single question made me feel like a complete fraud. Like I'd been caught out. And I've been sitting with that feeling ever since — that weird thing that happens where the moment someone asks you to explain yourself, suddenly you're not sure you even are the thing you thought you were. And then I had this psychic reading, which I'm going to get into, and something came up that kind of cracked this all open for me. Because I think sometimes what we're calling imposter syndrome is actually something else entirely. Sometimes we're not experiencing imposter syndrome, we're just genuinely being an imposter. And there's a difference. Let's get into it.

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Transcript

I truly love what I do and I'm bursting with knowledge to (0:41) share with you all, so sit back, relax and let's dive in. Hi and welcome back to another episode. (0:50) I am coming to the mic today from feeling a little bit unwell, you may have seen on my (0:55) Instagram that I shared that I had been sick over the crazy energies of this full lunar eclipse, (1:03) moon, mercury retrograde, I don't even know what's going on like I just know that it is a lot and I (1:10) have yeah kind of been offline just recovering and I've been very much like sitting out in the garden (1:15) doing some crafting and doing some creating but something that happened within the intensity of (1:21) all of this is that I completely forgot I had a psychic reading booked in, so I would have (1:28) cancelled because I wasn't very well but I forgot to do so, so I kind of rocked out of bed in my (1:33) PJs because it was very early in the morning and then you know said you know I'm not feeling so (1:38) great and I could feel that my energy was very low and pretty heavy because obviously I was sick (1:44) and I was a little bit foggy as well like I felt like my ability to really take in information (1:49) was pretty low but I actually think that it was a real blessing because I was off work kind of in (1:57) sick mode where I was really slowing down and very surrendered and yeah just kind of taking care of (2:03) myself and it meant that a lot of what came up within the reading actually had time to land (2:09) and I just want to preface this saying that I am not the biggest fan of anything that is predictive, (2:17) I don't love predictive tarot, I don't love predictive astrology and yeah like I'm not (2:24) necessarily drawn to going to a psychic purely because I've had these experiences in the past (2:31) and I've always just kind of felt that they've then really altered my state sometimes for things (2:38) that have then not actually even happened and I'm very much the kind of person that loves to look at (2:44) in hindsight.I love to discover parts of my astrology when I've already kind of been going (2:51) through that experience rather than it telling me what is going to happen. I actually feel like (2:58) there's a lot of hysteria around things like your Saturn return because of this because like there's (3:03) this predictive nature to it that like everything's gonna crumble and I think it creates a lot of fear (3:09) and it very much changes the way that people live their lives and like this is such a nuanced topic (3:15) right like we could go into this so deeply but what I'm actually just gonna conclude that with (3:21) is having said all that my intuition was pulling me towards this so I was like okay as much as I do (3:28) think all those things I am very guided by my intuition and of course as soon as I got on this (3:34) call that is exactly what this psychic said she was like you are very intuitive like more intuitive (3:40) than you realise like if you're not doing intuitive work already you will be and she was like you make (3:45) a lot of decisions that you cannot make sense of but your intuition is just telling you to do that (3:51) and that is very true for me I do that all of the time so I was kind of like oh okay and I'm not (3:57) going to share in great depth what came out of this call because to be honest I'm still processing (4:02) it and part of what came through was actually that a lot of this is going to be something I'm (4:07) very resistant to which can confirm I was and also it's not going to make sense until a couple (4:14) of months time so I'm kind of like okay let's just let that land and settle and then maybe it'll be (4:20) something that I circle back to but one thing that did come through that I immediately was like oh (4:27) I want to talk about this was me not claiming myself as a writer now if you've listened to (4:34) any of these other episodes or you're on my mailing list or you follow me on substack or (4:38) even on instagram like you will know I've been on a big journey recently of reclaiming the title (4:45) of writer so I've written my whole life I used to be a features editor I used to work in PR (4:51) so like I've done a lot of writing my writings published everywhere this is something that I (4:55) have spoken about in great depth but I still find it so sticky and uncomfortable to call myself (5:03) a writer and I remember listening to I think it was actually Kagi's Saturn Returns podcast (5:10) where she was saying like singing is her greatest joy and it is the hardest thing for her to do (5:16) like to claim herself as a singer just feels like lifetime of work like it's something that (5:23) she really struggles with and that's something I really relate to when it comes to writing (5:28) but I also feel like I've been a mass on a massive journey of doing that recently like you'll have (5:34) heard that I have just been on a writing retreat like I've been speaking a lot about claiming (5:40) myself as a writer so I was actually quite surprised when this came up in the reading (5:46) and the lady said you want substack like I just keep getting the message of substack come through (5:51) and I said yep I write for substack and something that arrived was that it's kind of a way for me to (5:58) write without really being seen now if you write for substack at all you may have experienced this (6:03) yourself but something that my clients and I speak about is that it's quite hard to gain (6:08) traction and visibility on that platform like I feel like with Instagram you can do (6:14) one post and it goes really viral and you're very visible and obviously there's like (6:18) everyone's on Instagram and yeah there's so many ways of being discovered on there whereas substack (6:25) is a much quieter growth you can have things go viral and you can very much like explode overnight (6:30) on there but generally like the reason I was actually kind of pulled to it is there's this (6:35) slowness to it where people slowly discover you find your work and it's kind of been this way for (6:41) me to really express myself within my writing but what was coming through within this reading is (6:47) there's also this added layer of not being overly visible on there like kind of feeling like you're (6:53) posting into a bit of a void like she was like I'm getting this really like noisy energy through (6:59) even through a much quieter platform like substack because it still feels like your words largely get (7:06) lost in a void and when she asked me where else I wrote I said my mailing list and she's like (7:13) this all feels very like safe and of course I think when you're going through the process of (7:19) claiming something for yourself it's important to stay safe within it at first like we don't (7:24) want to be shocking the nervous system in like everyone see me I'm suddenly visible and then (7:29) we freak out and go into hiding which I have definitely done before but there was also this (7:35) kind of energy of but you're still not fully claiming it and this is really interesting (7:41) because one of the ways that I work creatively is that a topic will come to me but I might not (7:46) necessarily feel the spark to speak on it straight away I'll just kind of plant it and be like oh (7:51) okay this is something I definitely want to speak about but I'm a generator so sometimes what is (7:56) needed for me is a conversation or experience to happen where then I'll be like oh and now I'm lit (8:03) up to talk about this and I feel like this is what this reading created for me it was kind of this (8:08) spark to speak about another topic which I've been really wanting to give some energy to and that (8:15) is around this concept of imposter syndrome so when I was in Costa Rica and I had finished the (8:22) writing retreat I went off solo travelling for a bit and many people asked me why are you here like (8:28) what are you doing why Costa Rica and when I said I came here for a writing retreat I instantly felt (8:35) myself kind of like recoil and be like oh like I don't want to deal with what comes next because (8:42) it's very much questions of like oh are you writing a book like what are you writing who do you write (8:47) for is this your job like all questions that in all honesty made me feel like an imposter (8:55) they made me feel this huge sense of imposter syndrome of like why am I even saying I'm a (9:00) like that's not what I do like that's not my job that's not what I'm paid for like yes I have (9:07) written a lot in the past and been published and paid for it then but like that that's not me like (9:12) I am not a writer I can't fully claim that maybe I should just stop saying it and so when it came up (9:18) in this call I was like hmm I feel like this is interesting because I've been sensing that there (9:24) some things that I need to look at within this something that came up within this space was (9:31) actually that there's more inner child work to be done around this like the lady pointed out that a (9:37) lot of my inner child work has been done very internally so it's very much being through (9:43) meditation and parts work and somatic therapy and like speaking to a therapist perhaps about my (9:49) earliest memory of this situation and very much like yes going into the felt body and feeling it (9:57) but keeping it within me it's like I've been tending to the inner child within myself (10:02) and a beautiful friend of mine pointed this out to me the other day when I was sharing about a (10:07) situation that had come up for me she was like I feel like maybe there's a part of you that didn't (10:13) fully advocate for yourself in that situation like you kind of said what would please the (10:18) other person and what would be easier for yourself but also like there's another part (10:24) of you that feels like perhaps you didn't fully speak up for yourself there and something that (10:29) was funny in the reading was the lady was saying I'm getting this picture of your inner child (10:33) like with their hands on their hips kind of like tapping their toe like they're a little bit pissed (10:38) at you because you're almost saying all of this stuff to her and being like oh it's fine like (10:45) this is what's right for you you deserve this I'm like really advocating for her (10:49) and then within your actions you're not fully doing that and this was really interesting for (10:56) me because it started to like paint this clear picture of like that's actually really true that (11:01) is very much what has been happening at the moment and I think one of the ways that this really comes (11:07) into play is with my writing and like me saying well I'm a writer but then as soon as when I'm (11:13) asked more questions about that very much hiding away and I've shared like for me writing feels so (11:21) connected to my inner child because I was just obsessed with writing when I was younger (11:25) and it almost feels like not fully advocating for her within this very much like shying away (11:31) of like oh like yeah I don't know like I'm a writer like I'm not writing a book and like (11:35) no like it's not it's not like I write for people like I'm not like putting my work out into the (11:39) world or anything like that you know like I just kind of like write for some of my clients and (11:43) just like downplay it so much but actually I have massively been downplaying my writing anyway and (11:49) this is a lot of what came up in this reading of like this need to actually be seen as a writer (11:54) and to put my words more out in the world rather than keeping them hidden and anyway I'm really (12:00) getting to you within this is that the path my curiosity led me down was a conversation that I (12:06) had in Costa Rica about imposter syndrome and I was speaking to someone about how so often within (12:13) our creative endeavours we feel like imposters like we feel like we can't fully claim that title (12:21) even if it's just like being business owners it feels hard to really claim that like I feel like (12:26) a lot of us feel this weird thing where it's almost like we're playing pretend and something (12:32) that I ended up saying you know when something comes out of you and you're like huh like that (12:36) yeah I didn't even think of it like that before like but now it's just come out of me and I'm like (12:40) that's true was me saying that I feel like I feel like an imposter when I'm being an imposter (12:49) and what I mean by this is if I think about it in the context of my writing when I think that me (12:56) being a writer means that I need to write for certain publications I need to earn a certain (13:01) amount from it I need to be working towards something like a book or like I have these (13:06) standards to meet within writing like even to be really grammatically correct and to write complex (13:13) sentences and use complex language like all of these different standards of being a writer that (13:21) I have set for myself me not meeting those is what makes me feel like an imposter and it is almost (13:29) like I am impersonating what it means to be a writer to the point where I'm like well of course (13:36) I don't feel like one like I'm really not great at grammar and that's not even just me like putting (13:41) myself down like I just I'm not interested in it in all honesty like I'm really not a good speller (13:46) at all I never know where to put commas like if I look at writing technically then I tell myself (13:53) I'm not a very good writer if I look at what I've achieved within the last five years within (13:58) writing well then yeah like it's really not a lot at all and if I'm looking at how much my writing is (14:05) seen currently then it does feel like I'm not a writer because I'm creating this narrative where (14:13) I have to impersonate this certain ideal to be a writer when actually if I reframed that to (14:23) I am a writer because I put words on a page then suddenly I'm like well yeah of course I am I write (14:30) every single day I write to my mailing list every week I share on substack most weeks like (14:35) I write my own marketing I write people's marketing you know like I write all of the (14:40) time my journal full to the brim like I write often and I love it and I do share my work with (14:50) the world so I am a writer and you know I don't even need to meet again that's me setting standards (14:56) right I feel like we've become so good at this of like having this checklist to meet to be considered (15:03) good at something and when clients come to me experiencing imposter syndrome so often they're (15:09) saying things like I just don't feel like I'm qualified enough for that or they've got this fear (15:14) that they're going to be called out for their knowledge gaps or like they can't fully speak (15:18) on something because you know they don't know enough about it and this is really funny for me (15:24) because I think I shared this in the last episode but I have been exploring my chiron in Virgo in (15:30) the first house I've never looked deeply into my chiron but I actually discovered that I'm (15:34) currently living on my chiron line so then I just started diving into it and part of this for me (15:40) is never feeling like I know enough like always feeling like there is more to perfect and more to (15:46) add to the point where I don't actually get things out into the world and I feel like this ties into (15:53) me also not really claiming being a writer as well because I'm like I'll be a writer when (15:59) and like there's many ways I can finish that sentence when I'm published in a major publication (16:04) with my most recent work when I have hit a certain number of subscribers on subset when I've earned a (16:10) certain amount of money from my writing there's all of these standards for it to live up to for (16:15) me to be able to really claim that title and what's interesting is of course as I was saying (16:21) then that imposter syndrome creeps in when people say to me oh you're a writer I instantly feel like (16:28) an imposter because I'm weighing myself up to this totally made-up standard by the way (16:34) and I think when we speak about creativity and us as creators we really need to anchor into the fact (16:42) that by creating we are creators even when we actually don't physically create anything in the (16:49) words that we speak in the actions we deliver that we are constantly creating the reality we live in (16:58) and actually if we strip it all back to these kind of rules and regulations and these standards and (17:04) these results and these kind of definitions that we have created of things and I say that very (17:10) intentionally in that we have created them maybe society has created them maybe someone outside of (17:16) us has told us this is the standard but when we start to realise that we can dissolve that (17:23) and that actually doesn't have to be the cage we live in suddenly I think imposter syndrome (17:29) lessens and this is something that I've been really toying with of like asking myself (17:35) if we write can we just be a writer and it's funny because I think that we do live in a world (17:43) where this is kind of true we live in a world where anyone can be content creators anyone can (17:48) be a marketer anyone can be a photographer anyone can be an author though we've almost had so much (17:54) creative freedom within this that in doing so I feel like it's added this new layer of imposter (18:01) syndrome because before it was almost like you needed to obtain a certain level of qualification (18:07) that once you reach that point there's this illusion that you won't be an imposter anymore (18:12) when actually you see a lot of hollywood actors you see a lot of grammy award winners speaking on (18:20) feeling like an imposter because this idea that we will reach this certain level and then no longer (18:27) feel that way is a complete illusion and when we are playing into this belief that we have to be (18:35) in a certain way to not be an imposter what we end up doing is trying to impersonate that (18:43) to be less of an imposter right and it's this kind of like full circle moment and I just was (18:49) having this conversation and really realising of like of course if I feel like I have to be (18:54) something then I'm gonna feel like an imposter whereas if I just accept that what I am is enough (19:04) and actually claim what I am within my own definition of that which for me is a writer (19:11) then that really starts to dissolve and I think this is very interesting because I have a lot of (19:16) clients come to me saying like I'm not good at marketing like I just can't do that and then when (19:21) I look at some of the words that they've written or I capture some of the ways that they've spoken (19:26) about their work or the ways they speak on their clients or the ways that they just like express (19:32) on these big topics I'm always like yeah you're a marketer you're an excellent marketer but the (19:38) reason that we feel like we're not and I say we because even I feel like this as well all the (19:42) time is again because we've set this standard okay what does it mean to be a marketer well I need to (19:48) have this qualification I need to do things like this I need to be able to obtain a certain level (19:52) of success or do things to a certain standard or buy a certain formula or rule book and then of (19:58) course that creates this imposter syndrome like cage where we don't feel good enough for it and (20:03) we can't fully claim it and again it's we're impersonating what it means to be a marketer (20:10) and then of course we're like okay but I'm not doing it though like I'm impersonating I'm not (20:14) actually that like I have imposter syndrome and I think this is really fascinating because I think (20:20) it's very alive within creative fields like I was just saying like it seems to be in a lot of (20:25) creative careers that people feel this really strongly and I think it's kind of flexing this (20:30) muscle of just doing the damn thing but also really reclaiming that we create the definition (20:37) you know we decide what it means to be what we are and like there is nuance to this of course (20:44) like there are some things that I do think we need to obtain qualifications for and perhaps (20:50) sometimes the imposter syndrome is giving us a nudge of like wait you feel like an imposter (20:55) because you're impostering you're impersonating posturing is not a word impersonating and actually (21:02) is that a sign to like step back and be like am I fully in integrity here is this fully within (21:07) my authenticity or as this psychic was pointing out to me is this just a way to kind of stay safe (21:14) and stay hidden when actually there's something I really want to claim here and it is deeply (21:19) embodied and I am fully in an integrity and in alignment with it but it actually is just this (21:26) part of claiming and for me that claiming has really been coming as I was speaking about from (21:32) that inner child of actually just like okay well I would say I was a writer when I was younger like (21:38) I'd have no hesitation saying that and then I think for me it's about really connecting to that (21:43) part of me that's like we're a writer we write all the time come on like of course we are and I just (21:50) really felt cool to share this because as I said it comes up in so many of my sessions and I think (21:54) it's really interesting to get curious about it and I also think this real creative conviction (22:01) and confidence comes alive within this claiming as well and as I've kind of been practising it (22:07) since I've been having these discussions and even since having this session (22:11) it's been really interesting to see how like I can feel my confidence growing within it (22:17) and yeah I'm so intrigued to you know what even hearing this makes sense you know like when you've (22:22) been unwell and you feel brain foggy and I realise like some of the ways that I'm talking almost (22:26) feels like I'm speaking in circles a little bit because I'm like impersonating imposter like (22:31) does it make sense is basically what I'm saying I feel like it makes sense to me and yeah as you (22:38) know I love to hear from you because sometimes I do feel like I'm sat behind the mic and I'm (22:42) talking to myself and I really miss the feedback of others like when people like leave me voice (22:46) notes or come into my dms to speak about these topics I love it so much so yeah thank you for (22:52) being here within my rambles and within me still feeling a little groggy I really appreciate it as (22:57) you know like this is how I love to come to the mic and yeah almost like even in itself this is (23:03) challenging the imposter syndrome right because it's like okay well I don't have the perfect (23:07) definitions and things to say so maybe I'm not a good podcaster whereas actually if I see my (23:13) podcast as me just like sitting amusing and chatting out with some strangers on the internet (23:17) who want to have a listen then I'm a podcaster so yeah I really appreciate you being here and I'd (23:22) love to hear from you thank you so much for listening to this episode I really hope that (23:28) it was helpful for you and if it has made you want to find out more of the ways you can work with me (23:34) all of the information about one-to-one my resources my programmes are all listed below in (23:42) the show notes if you found this helpful I would really appreciate if you could take a moment just (23:49) to write a review this helps other creators just like yourselves find this podcast and have an (23:56) even greater impact from their services I would really really love to hear from you please feel (24:04) free to get in touch with me over on Instagram or via email both of which again you can find below (24:11) thank you so much for being here and until next time