Unlock Your Potential: Finding Purpose in a World That Feels Empty with Spencer West

Discovering Meaning in Change and Growth

Life rarely unfolds according to plan. Whether it's navigating the twists of a career or the unpredictability of personal development, the ability to adapt and evolve is essential for finding meaning and fulfillment. This script explores powerful themes like surrendering to change, embracing the unknown, and setting boundaries that honor personal growth.

Drawing from real-life experiences in construction, martial arts, and personal transformation, it challenges the conventional idea of rigid plans and perfection. Instead, it celebrates flexibility, reminding us that success often lies in focusing on the end goal while flowing with life’s unexpected shifts.

The narrative dives into the discomfort of change, showing how stepping into the unknown—despite fear—unlocks untapped potential and purpose. It also touches on the importance of boundaries, framing them not as restrictions but as tools for self-discovery and expansion.

Through relatable anecdotes and profound insights, this script offers practical wisdom for anyone feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or fearful of failure. It’s an invitation to reframe challenges as opportunities, to trust the process, and to lean into discomfort as a catalyst for growth. Whether in work, relationships, or personal aspirations, this journey toward self-awareness and purpose is one worth taking.

Spencer is a Transformational Life Coach who works with Lawyers and Execs on avoiding burnout and gives clients a new lease of life.
Working with cutting edge Biohacking techniques He helps clients to:
- Get more energy naturally
- Massively Boost their productivity
- Look and feel 10 years younger
If you want to get in touch with Spencer on anything coaching please see below:

www.llev8.uk

Transcript

0:00

And today's episode, we talk about how the greatest gold and growth. Is found by embracing the unknown. We have a deep discussion on learning to adapt to unexpected changes and challenges. And we talk about leaving a familiar path. Which may be isn't satisfying and can be stressful. For a path of a fulfilment. Welcome to Man Questifying Meaning, where we help men navigate modern life, find their true purpose, and redefine manhood. I'm your host, James, and each week, inspiring guests share their journeys of overcoming fear Embracing vulnerability and finding success. From experts to everyday heroes. Get practical advice and powerful insights. Struggling with career, relationships or personal growth? We've got you covered. Join us on Man Quest to Find Meaning. Now, let's dive in.

James: 1:01

All we need is a sum of our experiences and memories. Therefore, the more we experience, the more full our experience of life becomes and the greater we become. This is. Spencer, and Spencer, this is something that's close to your heart. Can you explain a little bit more about that statement?

Spencer: 1:22

Essentially, we are a sum of our memories, experiences life, trauma, joys, happiness, all the things that have happened to us have created our world and created our personality, created our, Persona, everything that we have experienced in our life brings us to this point of where we are. So for me to enhance my life, I started to realize that, okay, if that's true, then to make my life more full, more more greater than it already is, then I would like to experience more. So I started Brazilian Jiu Jitsu about two and a half years ago. I didn't realize how much of an effect that would have on my masculinity, especially my warrior archetype. And I started singing lessons because something within me was telling me that I needed to find a new way of expressing myself. expressing myself and speaking from the heart and I've been having singing lessons for just over four years now. And it's been, it's actually been a very spiritual journey as well. So yeah that's how I experience and have experienced life. I want to make my life as full and great as it can possibly be.

James: 2:41

Yeah. Cause that kind of makes sense with regards to. If as a child, you perhaps didn't get the love that you needed, that experience that you had as a child is going to impact your later life, which is why they do so much inner child healing. And it is, and what I also realize as well myself is that the more that we Become aware of our experiences, become aware of what's going on and our old patterns and our old habits, the more that we can realize that, oh, that's didn't quite work all that one out. Let's change it to this. And then stepping out of our comfort zone, which I now see as the unknown. And really expanding on that experiences

Spencer: 3:30

exactly. And that's, and that, and essentially that is a spiritual process of making the unconscious conscious bringing all of our shadow, all of the things that are hidden, in the dark in our, Skeleton closet or, what some people refer to as shadow, bringing that into the light and discovering, okay, this, this situation makes me feel uncomfortable. This, I've got a little bit of shame around this, whatever's going on and learning how to, acknowledge that shame and then move through it so that we're not shameful of that experience anymore. Bringing it, bringing the shadow into the light is a lot of what is, I see the movement in masculinity at the moment.

James: 4:14

Yeah, definitely. I also see that so After last week's coaching session and listening to a bit of, oh, what's his name? Or after find out after, but there was this idea that we have this fear and fear is quite crippling. And for me, fear feels really heavy, but to transform or change the word from fear to the unknown. Suddenly, the unknown feels very exciting. It feels ooh, what's going to happen now? And it's that kind of idea that, okay, I realize now that I fear, feel fearful. Let's change that word in that moment. It's the unknown. Say for example, there's a nice girl and beside the bar and you would go and chat to her, you're literally going to, for me, I would definitely feel that fear and probably I wouldn't, I would probably wouldn't go and do it. But now I would decide to change it to the unknown and think, Oh, what's going to happen after?

Spencer: 5:17

Exactly. And I, I feel as though the feeling of fear and the feeling of excitement are very close. So when I experience a situation that, like you said, is unknown to me I call it excitement because it's, it feels the same and they're very close. If not the same thing, because you're reframing it as fear. The Unknown, so it becomes exciting. So yeah, I'm totally with you on that. Yeah.

James: 5:45

I've been quite excited about today's podcast episode, because after our telephone call, we have so much in common, and we almost, I, we almost have the identical story. So we'll start there. And if you could just tell us a little bit about yourself.

Spencer: 6:02

For me most of my life. Has been spent in the construction industry from the age of about 16 years old. I was working in construction on a building site with my dad in my dad's company loading plasterboards and learning, how construction works. I went straight into construction as soon as I completed my college A levels, and I'd never really considered that anything else would be what I wanted to do. So I went into construction. And started working for companies. I ended up taking over my dad's company when I was in my early 20s. We, my brother and I, my brother come into the company about a year later and we ended up taking the company to a fair size at its peak. We had 150 guys working with us. We had 10 full time staff offices, and it was it was a big commitment for us in our, a big part of our life, it was something that our grandparent had started with my father and passed it on to us, so there was a lot of responsibility for maintaining that but then I think it was. 11 or 12 years ago, I got very sick. It was almost life threatening sickness. And during that time, I literally hit rock bottom. I was doing quite a lot of recreational drugs. I was drinking a fair bit of alcohol. I was burning, I wasn't sleeping enough. I essentially burnt out and I felt like my body was dying because doctors have given me a long course of antibiotics which strip my immune system. I hit rock bottom and I made a vow in that moment to find alternative ways of healing my body. I went on a journey of discovery through, through Reiki acupuncture

James: 8:01

quickly before we jump into all that, when you hit rock bottom, What did rock bottom feel like? Because from my experience of hitting rock bottom there was a sense of being like a zombie. There was a sense of having no purpose, no drive. And, like yourself, that commitment. Committing to my growth and could never be in that same place. What was it specifically that really what was that point like?

Spencer: 8:30

Essentially, very similar to what you just said. I was totally shut off from all of my emotions. And I had been from a very early age. I wasn't acknowledging everything was very surface level. So I, I was in a relationship at the time, but it was quite shallow. There was a lot going on in my life. I didn't understand. I didn't even understand what an emotion was, let alone how to feel it. And hitting rock bottom was actually, I felt like my body was dying. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have anyone to turn to. Everybody had failed me and. I think it was the sense of needing to rely on myself and figure out a way of doing it myself that luckily that had been instilled in me or I naturally had that ability to, take on the responsibility of I'm going to find a way to fix this. I think a lot of entrepreneurs have that kind of spirit where You have to be very self reliant and that self reliance gave me the ability to just turn my back on Western medicine and try and find alternative ways of healing my body.

James: 9:40

So how did you personally find Reiki? Because Reiki was the start of my journey as well. What was it that because I remember But I always say that Reiki found me, I didn't find Reiki. And it just ended up turning up on my doorstep through searching, like you said, alternative healing therapies and that kind of stuff.

Spencer: 10:00

I'd heard of Reiki and I think maybe my mum had suggested it to me, but instead of going for Reiki and having a Reiki session, I decided that I wanted to learn Reiki, so I went and did my Reiki level one, and I just had this inner sense of, you have to do this. I don't, I didn't understand why or what it was, and to me, coming from a very practical construction led background where, I'm in a, I'm in a masculine environment where you're just told to get on and do it and, You know what, not worry about your feelings and not even think about that to learning this wacky woo thing where people are waving their hands and you start to feel all this incredible stuff. And that was the first thing I tried. I then went on to literally try anything that came into my field of awareness. So I went for a version of therapy. acupuncture cupping. We had, I was using traditional Chinese herbs, yoga, gong baths, breath work reflexology, bow and massage. I literally tried everything. And then my reflexologist at the time said to me, I think you should go and try kinesiology and I didn't look it up. I didn't even think about what it was. I was just okay. Yeah, cool. So went and did that and within five sessions of working with a kinesiologist. I was almost back to three, maybe a year before that, when my health was actually quite good within five sessions and it literally blew my mind. I was like, wow. How can this like this wacky crazy? Woo thing that I didn't understand heal my body without me taking a medication, without me taking a a vitamin or whatever it was. We were doing a lot of like inner child work and working on, emotions and patterns and behaviors and things like that. So it's an incredibly powerful process for me initially. And that pretty much got me hooked. My kinesiologist suggested I learn kinesiology because I was having these Like I'd come away from sessions and I'd be crying, I'd be joyful, I'd be experiencing like these new emotions and these new levels of emotions that I'd never felt before. I'd be elated, I'd be sad, happy, joyful, and it was all welcomed because I'd been so like shut off for such a long period of time. It was life changing.

James: 12:33

So with regards to inner child healing, because I know how For me, over the last probably three years, and really learning the concept of the inner child and about inner child healing, what was it about the inner child that needed you most?

Spencer: 12:52

My inner child needed to be told that it was safe, that if there were any difficult situations or difficult experiences, then we set up a safe place in my mind for me to go to as well. I think a lot of in a child work tends to be undoing some of the experiences that we've had in our past where we feel, our boundaries have been crossed, we feel upset we get hurt. And, a lot of those experiences with our parents, our caregivers, our teachers, whoever caused us those problems. Not didn't necessarily do it on purpose, but as a child, sometimes we, we have expectations or we have certain needs and those. needs and expectations don't get met. And sometimes that can cause us to shut down, to withdraw, to, put walls up, to create these traumatic experiences and change how we experience our life. And that was the situation for me when I was younger.

James: 13:58

Yeah. I think in a child work so powerful and yeah it's your bang on and how you brought it across because it's not our parents fault or caregivers. It's just that as a child, we don't know any, any better. We don't know that if they walk away for 30 seconds, they're not abandoning us or rejecting us. They're just going away to do something. Or maybe there's a part of your parents who have to work to be able to bring in the money. And so you might have to be left for a while. And as a child, we don't understand that. And so it's been able to really work with that inner child to heal. whatever wounds. I had wounds of rejection of lack of love. So there's that, for me, there's always that sense of neediness. So like in my relationships with women, especially, there would be this needy energy. wanting them to do stuff or when they didn't text back or didn't call, you would get a bit like, Oh, she's probably left me I she probably left me. And that was, and in some respects, I still get that now and again, but I'm able to identify it. I'm able to, then I'm able to supply the love to my inner child, just because. Having to look for love outside ourselves can be tiring, can be taxing, and we can, it's hard to get, whereas if we can love ourselves, we can supply all the love that we can give, and we've got an endless amount of love.

Spencer: 15:39

Exactly. And we can only ever love other people as much as we love ourselves. So the more that we love ourselves, the more that we're able to, on the scale of unconditional love to, conditional love, as we expand our love for ourselves, we become more unconditionally loving to other people as well. We accept them for who they are and what they're You know what they're capable of without needing something, like you said, needing something back from them. So yeah totally with you on that. It's a really powerful process to go through as well to start supplying ourselves with the love that we need, because every human on this planet experiences some form of abandonment at some time in their life, whether they're conscious of it, whether they're unconscious of it, and being able to identify that in especially like close committed to it. Romantic relationships is such a powerful process because it gives us the ability to grow as individuals, but also grow that relationship as well.

James: 16:41

And you also find that when you start to apply your own love, you will naturally, your frequency will increase, which will naturally attract somebody, a partner who is on that level. And so the power of having two people on the same level is super, super powerful.

Spencer: 17:02

Yes, exactly right. It's such a, it's such a great way of putting it as well. I started to experiment and discover new ways of healing my body. So this was maybe 10 years ago. I ended up completing my practitioner as a kinesiologist and then started taking clients shortly afterwards. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would. ever be taking clients and helping them heal their bodies. Most of the clients that come to see me had very similar issues to me. They were burnt out or they had IBS issues, which was a big part of my healing as well. And I continue to run the construction company up until 18 months ago, where we had built the company to a certain level and realized After doing quite a lot of masculine work, I've been on maybe four men's retreats now, read a lot of men's books as well, and done a lot of inner work on, like you said, my inner child, and a lot of the four masculine archetypes have been really poignant in my masculine journey as well. I started to realize I was surrounded by a lot of shadow archetypes in construction. There was a lot of tyrants, a lot of bullies, a lot of nice guys a lot of People withholding information to better themselves like the magician and I started to realize that I didn't want to be surrounded by people who weren't championing me, who weren't, looking out for me, who didn't trust me, who didn't value what I was bringing to their project or their, their team or whatever it was we was involved in. We ended up letting the company go and then I started full time coaching about 18 months ago, which has been incredible. My own personal journey with that has just accelerated so much. I've been working with a a mentor and life coach for the past three or four years, which has accelerated my journey tenfold. It's been incredible. And I'm currently living my best life as a lot of people say.

James: 19:13

So let's quickly go back to when you left the construction industry. I was just going to mention that quite often if you aren't around the right tribe, the people who you surround yourself with can have an impact on your growth. And so I can imagine by having lots of men who are tyrants or as they are called now. nice guys that can probably stem your growth in a quite a big way.

Spencer: 19:40

Exactly. Yeah. And I did feel as though, I don't know if there's any of your viewers that have worked in construction, it's a very difficult industry to work in. It has its own laws. Financially, you have to commit a lot of money to any company that you're working with. It's all there's a lot of people in construction that are tyrannical and ass covering. They're just. Not treating everybody fairly. It's a very money and time driven industry as well. It's a very difficult industry to get to, to work in. I was having a conversation with someone this morning and he said, wow, if you can make it in construction, you can literally do anything.

James: 20:25

I want to cover as well, a little bit about when you left the construction industry and started on your own, what kind of emotions and feelings were going through? time.

Spencer: 20:37

I'll be honest. It was actually one of the, one of the best things I've ever done. It's, it gave me a sense of freedom that I'd never experienced before. And. What I realized after probably a few months, my brother has gone back into construction. So he's still working, running a smaller company, but doing similar sort of thing. And he asked me to price up some projects. And it was only when I went back to pricing up a project, where there was a lot of funding, Deadlines and time constraints. And, I was working with a lot of numbers. I realized how actual actually stressful it was. So to have that comparison between the two of, I was just working in this in the industry. It was just something that we did. And then all of a sudden I have this break. I go back to it and I experience all of these stress. Levels of uncertainty, it was, yeah, it was really challenging, but it was nice to have that comparison between the two. So since leaving, I felt a massive sense of relief. And I've also come to the realization that, and I think this holds true for a lot of people in construction. They just go into construction because their father was a carpenter because they're, because their uncle was a bricklayer and they didn't know what else to do. So for me, it was the same. There was almost like this expectation of my granddad started the company with my dad. You, the family was named Western sons before we started. So there was an ex, there was like an unconscious expectation of me being the son going into then going into the company, even though we changed the company name and that, but there was an element of, family expectation of us taking over the company without any. Do I really want to do this? It was just something that we did. And now, my I'm very different from my brother. I think about things in a very different way. I'm very conscious, conscientious and aware of. I suppose the world and how the world works. So me going into construction was almost like a like very, what's the word? Contrary. And since I've come out of it, I realized that I wasn't really suited for construction. The way up the way my mind works is more than that, but I'm so grateful that I did the experiences I've had the people I've worked with the industry itself, the, building a company from nothing to, such a significant size was a challenge on its own. So I'm really grateful that I've had that experience as well.

James: 23:19

It's deja vu of myself because I can relate with regards to my dad's a farmer and there was almost this expectation that I was going to go into the farming, even though I didn't, I went home. and did a, I went to do a chemistry degree. I had this expectation and came back and worked on the farm and I'm still there currently for two days a week at the moment and I'm looking at leaving fully by the end of, middle of next year. But the idea is that there's almost that idea that farming, the sons take over the farm. And then their sons take over the farm. And so I feel as though it's almost, there's that attachment to the farming and you've got to let go of that attachment because that attachment to whether it's farming or it's construction, whatever it is in relationships is just going to hold you and is not going to allow you to really have that space to grow. And so I can imagine like you. As soon as I completely drop the farm, my growth is just going to shoot up, and it is accelerating at the moment, my growth is. But I can imagine that when I leave the farm next year, boom, it's just going to go. But again, it's that fear. I've got this sense of fear. It is still there a little bit. And I'm able now to start to detach from the farm. And, but there's still that, that sense of fear. When you look at construction industry, Or just before you decided, was there something keeping you attached or were you already detached before you even decided to leave?

Spencer: 25:09

So before, before I left, there was a, it was a couple of things. There was a sense of expectation, like family expectations, I'm working with my brother and it used to be my dad's company. So there was like an attachment to the expectation of perpetuating this. this business and maybe passing it on to his sons. My brother's got three sons, so maybe passing it on to them or something like that. And also the lifestyle as well. I built a significant construction company and it was afforded me a a certain way of life. There's a lot of financial commitments and it's not until I found and I made the decision. It was actually my brother that said to me, I've had enough. Should we get out the that we said, okay, yeah, let's do it. And we ended up letting it go. So yeah, there, there was a lot of and I think it works for anyone who's built something themselves, like a company or a business or something like that, there's almost this, it's almost like your baby or your child or something you've nurtured from literally nothing, you've created it from nothing and then you come to a point where it's not necessarily serving you, it's not fulfilling you. And for me, it was that sense of I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel like my life purpose is going to be in construction anymore. It's almost I've come to the end of this journey now, so that was how it felt for me, yeah.

James: 26:40

Yeah, and the reason I'm talking about this a bit deeper is that there's a lot of people out there who know or know deep down that path, a certain path might be the right way, but in their head might be saying no, that way's the best. That's the familiar. But going down the path that they know is right can be scary because, again, it's the unknown. And we don't know what's in the unknown.

Spencer: 27:13

Exactly. And that's where the excitement is, right?

James: 27:16

Yeah. That's where the gold is. That's where you really find out who you are.

Spencer: 27:23

Exactly. And if you're the kind of person who loves, who thrives, I thrive on, I thrive on the newness of something, the excitement of learning something new, of integrating a, a new way of thinking or a new idea or a new method or something like that. That's where my, that's where my magic is. That's where my gold is for me.

James: 27:46

Yeah. At the moment I'm learning to master the inner game. So I'm learning to slow myself down and become a lot more present and then looking on the outside and saying, okay, what am I missing kind of thing or what isn't there that I'm looking at starting to build and I'll go inside and I'll allow myself within my I have a specific way of seeing things inside my own body. And I allow myself to be around nature. And nature, for me, is about abundance. And it's also about love. Because within abundance, there's love. And so getting that inner turn up, that inner feeling in that state of mind. Definitely works a treat.

Spencer: 28:34

Can I ask you how you slow yourself down? You mentioned being in nature, but how do you like, you said you slow yourself down a little bit. Like, how do you do that?

James: 28:45

So for me, it's about starting to allow myself to breathe properly. So rather than the shallow breathing and chest breathing, I start to allow my stomach to expand. And to be able to do that, you've got to, you've got to become present. Yeah. And it, I think, I feel as though that automatically slows me down. But also just saying the words, slow down and just allow myself to just observe.

Spencer: 29:14

Amazing. What a great practice. Yeah. I do something similar myself. So I meditate most mornings amongst, I'll do about three or four things at the same time. I listen to a particular frequency, but binaural beats frequency. And I also do an internal meditation, which is very much based on slowing my breathing down, concentrating on a particular chakra, working my way up and then breathing through my internal chakra system. So it sounds very similar to what you're doing as well.

James: 29:45

Yeah. Nice. Nice. I can imagine in your life, there's been times when perhaps things haven't gone to plan. How do you overcome that?

Spencer: 29:57

Most of the time for me there, there are a huge amount of times when things don't go to plan. No, I'm not going to say nothing ever goes to plan, but when you work in construction, you just become very adept at adapting. So I, I think I learned from a very early age to, have a plan and just not be too attached to that plan. So I think sometimes we can get a little bit angry, frustrated, annoyed. When things don't go according to this very particular plan we had, whereas if we had just like an end goal where we're, we just want to build this project and along the way, we might have to change the drawings. We might have to, change direction slightly in order to get somewhere else. But eventually, we know that we're going to get there. So I've become very adept at adaptation and not too attached to the specific plan that we have. Have a rough plan, but if something, doesn't go according to that plan, then, okay, we need to make changes. We need to adapt. And I think being mindful in that process of, okay I might be struggling a little bit here. I went to Burning Man this year. And the festival itself teaches you how to just be very self reliant. You have to rely and take your goggles with you. You have to take a dust mask with you. You have to take water. When you go out, you need to make sure your bike has got lights on it because you're cycling around in the desert at night. You become so self reliant. After that seven days, That you come back with a huge sense of, I came back with a huge sense of, wow, if I can survive that and everything that happened during that, have fun as well, then what else can I do in my life? What else can I bring into my awareness? What else can I bring into my world that, that I'm not necessarily attached to, but I have a plan for? Does that make sense?

James: 31:57

Yeah, there's a couple of things there. So there's the idea of having a plan, and then adapting. So that's almost like having a plan, surrender to the plan, and then when things happen, adapt to it.

Spencer: 32:14

Yeah.

James: 32:14

So it's almost bringing in and balancing the masculine and feminine. So the masculine being the doing and the feminine, the surrender.

Spencer: 32:25

And the feminine being the chaos of something's going to go wrong. There might be a snow storm. There might be, the site might be shut for three days. The crane might not work because it's windy or something like that. And it's just finding ways around, maintaining a a good program, maintaining good progress on site, even though. All this stuff's getting thrown at you. Like I said earlier, if you can work in construction, you can, you can work anywhere, but it's very much like the process of personal development. You have this idea of where you're going, you rough idea of where you're going, like enlightenment or spiritual, divine masculine, or whatever someone's goal is to achieve, maybe more awareness of certain patterns and behaviors. But there's going to be like frustrations, there's going to be challenges, there's going to be life circumstances, family, money, resources relationships, all this stuff is like thrown at you all the time. And it's just about, okay, how can we adapt? How can I learn from this mistake? How can I learn from this challenge and move forwards? Because as soon as we get frustrated or angry or upset or whatever it is, that holds us at a certain state, whereas if we just, like you said, surrender and accept that, okay, this challenge has come, let's figure out how we can move forward. I it's my train of thought. It's learn or it's win or learn. So it we win or we learn there's no like failure, especially in running your own business or working on a farm. I'm sure it's, I'm sure it's the same with what you do, piece of machinery doesn't work. The weather's not on your side. The crops haven't produced as much as you would have expected by a certain date. There's always going to be challenges in life that come at us, and it's just how we learn from those challenges and not to make, not to continue to perpetuate and make those mistakes or problem. If they do occur, you know what to do next time as well.

James: 34:25

Yeah, I like that. There's no such thing as failure. Win or learn. That's nice. It's also, as you mentioned within the Burning Man, it's about having fun because what is life if you can't have fun?

Spencer: 34:37

Exactly. It's about the journey. Yeah, man.

James: 34:39

Yeah. What do you do for fun? Generally as a whole.

Spencer: 34:43

So like you, we was, we were chatting the other day, weren't we? I love, one of my favorite things to do is ecstatic dance.

James: 34:49

Yeah. Boom.

Spencer: 34:51

Because there's just this sense of for me when I'm dancing, there's just this sense of like I can move my body in any way that I want to. And there's no judgment. Like nobody, nobody really cares. Cause everyone's doing the same. Everyone's doing the same thing. Like a lot of the time when I'm dancing to get into the, to get into the move or to get into the track or the music or whatever, I just close my eyes and let my body do whatever it feels like doing at the time. So that's one of my, that's one of my favorite things to do. Amongst other things like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is actually a bit of a passion as well. It's very like us, like I mentioned earlier, it's, it is very challenging and it has massively contributed to my masculine spiritual growth, learning how to defend myself physically. It's given me a huge sense of confidence around other men. Where I'm not necessarily intimidated by certain people because I know like I know what my strengths and weaknesses are when I first started jujitsu, I said the first few times when someone grabs you around the neck, it's a little bit like someone strangling me and you tap really early, but after someone's grabbed you around the neck 10 times, you're like, Oh, it's not good at home, right? You can carry on squeezing, but I can still breathe. So I'm all right. It's the difference between knowing where your thresholds are. I know when I'm going to pass out or when I'm close to being, close to passing out and I'll tap. Whereas before, I didn't know that. I didn't know my bound, I didn't know where to draw the line. Didn't know where the boundaries were between someone grabbing me around the neck and someone, and me passing out, but now I know that as I'm a lot more confident in how I present myself, how I show up. I also did a competition last year and did really well. So it definitely has helped with my, with a huge part of my masculinity.

James: 36:49

But it's also, it can bring in the idea of boundaries because in life, whatever, whether it's in work, whether it's relationships, whether it's whatever it is. There's going to be boundaries where what we have drawn up for ourselves. And so we will get to the edge of the boundary and we'll start getting a bit scared. So we'll start pulling back. But if we can learn the edges of a boundary, we can start to push it even more. And then as you get to a better, I feel as though you get, as you get to a level of. Evol evolving frequency. And I feel as though you can almost just drop the boundaries completely. You don't need the boundaries because you can, you're at that level where you can just keep exploring and exploring. And I feel that is, I feel as a human race, that's where we're headed, where we can drop boundaries because we're able to really step into our own authenticity. Exactly. And to be. Be us, be whatever we want to be and to really allow ourselves to express who we are.

Spencer: 38:00

Exactly. And I really that explanation for having certain boundaries. I, I think over the past 10 years, I've always explored and pushed up against, I call it the envelope or the bubble. I come to the edge of this bubble where I find this feels a little bit edgy. This feels a little bit like I'm getting to a point where I feel uncomfortable and it's not like I haven't been here before. This is new to me. That's where I I find the edge of my envelope or the edge of my bubblies. And I've spent the last, I don't know, 10 years just finding that edge. And then just pushing it a little bit further, pushing it a little bit further and just taking it further and further, which has led me into doing like we were talking a little bit about tantric work and like sacred, what some people refer to as sacred sexuality and those kind of things. Which has really helped me push through a lot of previous and past conditioning and patterns and behaviors and, stuff that we pick up from society, from our childhood, from, the films that we watch from our teachers, from our caregivers, and all of those kinds of people that have those sort of influences on us in our childhood.

James: 39:10

Definitely. What do you define as a healthy man or a healthy masculine.

Spencer: 39:16

So, what I define as a healthy masculine, I'm just trying to find my notes. Hold on. I did make a load of notes on it. Yeah so for me, a healthy. A healthy man or a healthy masculine is someone that knows themselves. So he knows his needs, his desires his drives, weaknesses, his strengths, like what I was alluding to earlier with regards to Knowing how to protect myself with Brazilian jiu jitsu. I, like I said earlier, I've been singing for five years now. So I know what my strengths and weaknesses are with regards to belting and singing and those kinds of things. And I very much believe that a man who knows himself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. and what he, what he is capable of gives him the ability to be so much more authentic in who he is and who he's expressing himself as, because there's nothing like hidden under the surface that we're hiding from other people, like something we were discussing earlier. We don't have any unconscious thoughts that aren't unexpressed or if we are aware of them and we're consciously working on them. We're bringing that shadow into the light so that we can fully know ourselves and show up as we are. Someone who can hold space for other people as well. That's a big part of what I do with with my coaching as well. So I think knowing oneself physically and spiritually is a man, is a very healthy man.

James: 40:59

Nice. Nice. How has your masculinity changed as you've grown? My,

Spencer: 41:07

I think when I started this journey, my specifically masculine journey about three or four years ago, I was in a relationship. I I also have a daughter as well, and I was very much. In the shadow with a lot of my archetypes, so I wasn't very strong in my warrior in certain elements. My boundaries weren't very good. Relationship. I wasn't stepping up in the relationship and being the man that I am today. I know that for a fact, and that caused a lot of problems in our relationship as well. And we can only take responsibility for our own part in our experiences, but who I was three or four years ago is totally different. I wasn't as strong. I wasn't as healthy. I wasn't as authentic for sure. And the last four years has seen me work on each of the different masculine archetypes, the the lover, the warrior, the King and the magician. in very specific ways in order to bring the most authentic and divine aspects of those to the surface so that they can integrate in me and I can be more of my authentic self. So I'm not, like I said earlier, not hiding parts of myself in a relationship or ashamed of certain personality traits that, we think are shameful when in actual fact, they're, they're just us. They're just who we are underneath everything. And I'm also really excited to, to see who I'm going to become in the next year, two, three years time as I continue this journey of masculine development. I think a big part of my masculine development as well is learning the difference between the spiritual masculine and feminine qualities. So I find that understanding the difference between the two and not necessarily trying to be more masculine than feminine, but understanding the differentiation between, you know, chaos and order and how else would I explain it? And understanding as well why women behave sometimes and not blaming them for it and just understanding that sometimes women will behave in a very feminine way and not to blame or, Criticize or put them down for what they're experiencing and just allow them to be themselves.

James: 43:32

It's almost holding space.

Spencer: 43:34

Exactly. Yeah.

James: 43:36

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I, I used to be it's times when I still am. But a lot less. I used to be what's called, they call it a Mr. Nice Guy. So I was always really nice because I thought if you're nice then, you're going to sleep with me. It's kind of thing. And it's, I have so much more respect for women now than I did then. And it's the idea that, we're equals and it's been able to, my journey with masculinity has been able to express who I am, express my emotions. That's a big one. So I remember there's been times in the past where I when William had a go at me, I cower away. I will start to cower. Rather than expressing me, I almost get anxiety and fear, and that creates the anxiety and fear within the relationships. And so I've had to learn, I've had to learn the hard way of different relationships and different things. Yeah. But that's been part and parcel of my journey, definitely, throughout masculinity. Can you explain that?

Spencer: 44:42

And the other big lesson I learned and it's something, I'm still working on and I hear this a lot from other people as well is learning how to lead the relationship as a man in most relationships, women want to be led. And there's this misconception that because women. Because women can lead, then that's what they want. When in actual fact, they don't. They really do not enjoy leading the relationship, making decisions on where to go, organizing and setting plans in place. These are really simple things that a man can do in order to Show a bit more leadership in a relationship, and that's been a big part of my journey as well. Learning how to, just set up a date, give them a time, lead, give them a couple of different times that they can pick and then say, Okay, we're going here. Turn up at this time, we'll have a taxi then, we'll then go here and just form a plan, be the man and form the plan. And women respond really well to that. That's a, I get a lot of feedback on that.

James: 45:49

I also think as well as with that, I also think there's also a balance. I think sometimes, It's asking the person from my own perspective, asking the person what they want to do you want to go out or something, or if she asks, what do you want to do, and you start by saying, what do you want to do? You're having that back and to conversation is almost if she's asking you, what do you want to do? She's almost saying, please tell me what you want to do. And, but sometimes we can be too polite to allow them to pick. And so it's about then to making the decision, but not necessarily going in and deciding, Oh yeah, let's just go and do this. Take a moment, take a deep breath and ask yourself what in this moment, what do I want to do? Because then that's connecting to you. That's connecting you to who you are and that's connecting you to your heart. So your heart says, Mike say, okay. I want to go and dance. Let's go and dance. We can dance in the kitchen. We can dance down on the beach. And it's that idea that you can, you combine the relationship with connecting deep into yourself and allowing your own self, your soul, whatever, universe, god, whatever you want to call it, to have the, have a decision. Decide. And that's where the power lives, the power lies.

Spencer: 47:28

Exactly. And women respond really well to, to men leading in that way.

James: 47:35

Space breathing and connecting deeper to yourself. Can you tell people what is it that you do?

Spencer: 47:43

So I am a transformational life coach. I work with men and women. I don't just work with men. I work with women as well to help them enjoy better, better sex lives, become stronger, fitter and get more energy and live longer and healthier in those later years. So we run when I work with clients coaching over various different period time periods. We run a battery of tests and work with them on habits, nutrition. lifestyle, diet, modifications, supplements, all sorts of stuff that is very individualized and personalized to them, their DNA and their life circumstances. We work together for a period of time and then we retest to see what their biological age has come down by. So I work with certain, DNA biomarkers, inflammation markers, blood tests, microbiome tests, and we figure out what their biological age is and then how we can reduce that age so that they're literally de aging themselves and becoming younger biologically. Yes. I'm a big proponent of living healthier, stronger, fitter lives. As an example, I've got clients who have worked with me for six months and 12 months and have reduced their biological age by five years. I personally did a test about three and a half months ago and my biological age is 27. I'm 46 at the moment, so I'm doing something right. I'm teaching

James: 49:18

people

Spencer: 49:19

how to do the same sorts of things themselves.

James: 49:22

So this is now going to be the end of the episode, but what I would like to get is come back on and talk about burnout if that's possible. Yeah, perfect. Thank you very much, Spencer.

Spencer: 49:37

Thank you so much for having me on. It's, we've got so many similarities in our personal development journey and I look forward to speaking to you more, speaking to you again in the very near future.

James: 49:51

Yeah. Thank you.