From Numb to Alive: How Men Can Reclaim Vitality & Emotional Freedom | Gayatri Beegan

In this powerful episode of Man: A Quest to Find Meaning, we explore the struggles men face with expressing their full masculine potency and emotional aliveness. James sits down with erotic mystic and men's sexuality coach Gayatri, to discuss how societal conditioning has left many men confused, disconnected, and shamed for simply being men.

We dive into the lack of healthy masculine role models, which leads men to swing between extremes — from hyper-macho stereotypes to becoming overly passive and "nice." Gayatri shares her experience working with men for over 13 years, highlighting the urgent need for spaces where men can discover and embody their authentic masculinity.

A key theme is how sex often becomes the only socially acceptable outlet for men to feel alive, leading to unhealthy patterns. Gayatri reframes sexuality as Eros — the energy of aliveness — and explains how cultivating this energy through curiosity, slowing down, and embodiment practices can be life-changing.

We also explore the deep connection between grief, numbness, and emotional suppression. Gayatri emphasizes that unprocessed grief blocks men’s capacity to feel joy, connection, and vitality, and shares accessible practices for gently reconnecting with these emotions.

Other topics include:

• The importance of community, brotherhood, and safe spaces for men.
• How practices like playful fighting and embodied expression help release suppressed emotions.
• The dangers of bottling up masculine energy and the need to widen the aperture of aliveness.
• Practical ways for men to reclaim their inner warrior and emotional range.

This is an episode about reclaiming wholeness, integrating masculine and feminine energies, and finding more meaning in life through authentic expression.

About Gayatri:

Since 2012, Gayatri has held transformative spaces for men to awaken the aliveness of their being through erotic awakening.
 She has seen firsthand how many men feel disconnected from their sexual energy — or unsure how to wield it with integrity.
 In a world that often shames or suppresses masculinity, Gayatri's work invites men into full-spectrum embodiment, where sexual vitality, emotional depth, and purpose align.
 Blending Tantric wisdom with grounded practice, Gayatri supports men to strengthen their presence, deepen relationships, and harness their sexual energy as a force for creativity, confidence, and conscious leadership.
 At the heart of her work is a single intention: to guide men back to the truth of who they are — so they can stand in their power, lead from the heart, and move through life with clarity.

Transcript

0:00

In this week's episode, we talk about the lack of healthy masculine role models and how this absence leads to confusion about the how to embody their masculine energy. We talk about aliveness and for many men. Sex becomes the only domain where they feel allowed to fully experience and express themselves. And we talk about the importance of community, brotherhood and safe spaces. Welcome to Man: A Quest to Find Meaning, where we help men navigate modern life, find their true purpose, and redefine manhood. I'm your host, James, and each week, inspiring guests share their journeys of overcoming fear Embracing vulnerability and finding success. From experts to everyday heroes. Get practical advice and powerful insights. Struggling with career, relationships or personal growth? We've got you covered. Join us on Man Quest to Find Meaning. Now, let's dive in.

James: 1:11

I believe that male sexuality is good and beautiful, and we need more men showing up with full masculine potency. Good morning Gayatri. Can you explain more?

Gayatri: 1:24

Thank you, James. So I think we're at a time in our culture and society where there's a tremendous demonization of men and masculinity, and I see this playing out for a lot of men in a kind of. Confusion about how to really show up in a man, a deep sense of shame around what it is to be a man and, and then people within that tend to go to either extreme, either they're like following hyper uh, kind of macho masculine stereotypes. Or they've become kind of a bit floppy and sensitive and ineffectual, um, and, and not appealing to women. And so there's, yeah, there's a huge amount of confusion. But in my experience, having worked with men for 13 years now in the field of sexuality is that when a man. Gets to discover who he really is in a space that's dedicated to bringing his authentic self. Then he rises into his masculinity and gets to express this in a way that feels beautiful and aligned and has a potency and an aliveness to it. We really need in the world right now. I think the problem is not that there's too much masculinity, I think in fact that we don't have enough, we don't have enough models of what a really healthy, full spectrum expressed masculinity could look like, and men are struggling because of that.

James: 3:15

I never really had them role models in my life, and it's this idea that I kind of swung more to the nicey nicey kind of person. So I, I would be in relationships and I would allow that, uh, woman to literally walk all over me and I would be anxious. And a little bit, um, suppressive around her because I didn't want to upset her. Yeah. And so that's, that energy was very, very, very, very kept in I wouldn't allow myself to release it. Yeah. And so there would be that occasion where I might go and drink or something might happen and then suddenly all that anger and rage, which was kept inside myself, would suddenly come out and go bang. And there's nothing I could do about it.

Gayatri: 4:07

Yeah, absolutely. I totally recognize price this place. Yeah.

James: 4:13

It's, um, this, this idea that, yeah, there's two extremes. Yeah. But again, we need more role models, more people who are more set in a health, how to be a healthy man, how to be, um, both masculine and feminine, to be able to take action, to be able to go out and have boundaries, but also at the same time, to allow themselves to surrender to. Express their emotions to be able to really step into that. The, the idea of the four arch types, the king, the warrior, the magician, and the lover.

Gayatri: 4:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And we still live, you know, many boys are, are still brought up with a lot of conditioning, which is, you know, it is both kind of covert and obvious. The message boys don't cry. But it's also subtle and kind of seeps into one's being about how it is to be a boy or what it is to be a girl. And for many boys. The, the message that they get from very, very early on is it's not acceptable to express emotion. Yeah. Or the only kind of emotion that is really socially sanctioned as a boy is, is anger is being able to, you know, kind of come out fighting a bit, even if you get told, you get told off for it, but at the same time there's a kind of approval that you're strong and you can stand up for yourself, you know? So the. Get very, very confusing messages around this, but it's like the, the sense of aliveness that comes and the fluidity that we all need in having emotional expression gets very, very constricted at a very early age in boys. And so this is one of the reasons I think why men get so kind of hooked on sex as a form of expression. I. Because sex is one of the few places where it's okay for a man to feel something. Yeah. And even culturally, we have this sort of connection between sex and violence, so it's like you can have a fight or you can fuck, but you can't really do anything else. Yeah,

James: 6:36

yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Gayatri: 6:38

And it's like when I say this stuff, you know, even I, uh, surely not, surely we've evolved more, uh, surely we, we give men, uh, permission for a wider range of expression, but the reality for many men is not. Yeah. So there's two places where you're allowed to actually feel something. And if you don't want to fight, then you put all of that, um, into sex and natural for. For anybody, but you know, for men and the masculine to want to see the aliveness that comes through sexuality. It's like we are wired for life. Yeah. For more aliveness to. To fully express ourselves in this existence. But if you don't get many opportunities to do that, if you're in a job that doesn't feel purposeful and you know, is kind of you're, you're numbed out. You don't have much of a, a social life that excites or enlivens you, you can't really see where life is going that feels meaningful to you then. The seeking of aliveness tends to come in the very narrow aperture of sex. Yeah. And so this is one of the places where, um, many, many men get kind of really stuck on sex as the only place where they can be.

James: 8:08

Hmm hmm. So it's powerful. Before we jump in with all that aliveness and stuff, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Gayatri: 8:15

Hmm. So I call myself an erotic mystic, and I use these words because, um, although we talk about sex and sexuality, I do find that people, very often, as soon as they hear that word sex, they put the idea of what it is into a very, very small, very, very narrow, very, very limited box of how it looks, how it's done, who do does what to whom. Yeah, and that's not what I'm interested in. That's not what I'm here for. So I speak about Eros and Eros. I describe as the energy of existence expressing itself through you as aliveness. Now you know, we're in springtime and this is an incredible moment to look out into nature and to see eros in action. Right, because it's this sense of life just bursting through everywhere. It's the leaves on the trees, it's the flowers bursting forth from the ground. There's this riot of color and vibrancy. The birds are tweeting madly everywhere. The bunnies are chasing one another around the field. It's like. After winter, everything in nature springs into action. And it's full expression. ERO here. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So that's just to give people a flavor of that. Um, and I also, I use this word mystic because I am really interested in and oriented to, and love to take people on a journey into the mystery of this world. And the mystery is something that we've become very cut off from in, uh, especially in Western culture. And this is a relatively new thing. You know, only a few hundred years ago people lived in a much more intimate relationship with the mystery. But we have this idea that we've become very cultured and very civilized and very rational and scientific. And the downside of that is that we tend to have lost a sense of awe and wonder at what is beyond us, what is bigger than us. And I feel that sex is an incredible gateway into the mystery. When we drop the script about how we do it and actually move forward with a sense of awe and wonder. So this is part of what I initiate men into, is giving them an experience where they get to connect with their, their innocence, and to create a relationship with the mystery of it all. And some people might be listening and thinking, oh God, that sounds really out there. Or a little bit woo woo, but I think actually if you stop and like just really give yourself a moment, there is a part of you that can probably resonate with the truth of this because so many people are moving through life thinking there must be more to this. Than I'm experiencing. There just must be more to it, and I think the more exists in the mystery. That's what we're longing for. That's what we're seeking. We wanna go beyond what we already know and who we think we already are. There's a calling in us for it, and when we don't know where to look for it, life feels kind of dull. Life feels kind of meaningless. Life feels just a little bit like, uh, you know, so there is a part of every single one of us, I believe, that knows that more is possible and just doesn't necessarily know where to look for it.

James: 12:25

Yeah, I think that's. From my own perspective, what I've noticed is that if I do the same, the same routine, the same stuff all the time, I get bored. And within boredom comes the idea of destruction of um. Sex porn or that kind of stuff. But what I've noticed is the more that you explore that mystery, the more that you go out and do something a little bit different. The, it's that sense of exploring, that sense of excitement, that sense of really, I almost feel like you're stepping into like a, a, a storybook.

Gayatri: 13:03

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And, and, you know, and in fact. What looks like the same thing on the external, but if we approach it with an attitude of I am experiencing this for the very first time, then it brings, uh, an attitude of curiosity into our being. So one of the biggest problems around sex for most people, I'm diving back into my favorite topic again. Mm-hmm. Um, is, is that they tend to think they know how it should be done or Yeah. And how it should go and, and so any sense of curiosity around. Well, what's truly alive in this moment? What's here? What do I even want in this moment is lost? Or how do I relate to this person in front of me as if for the first time, rather than just now we do this, then we do this, then we do that. Oh, and that's what sex is, right? That's the script. And that's what becomes dull, boring, flat. Unfulfilling, but actually in some ways it is not like you need to change sex itself. You need to change the way you are stepping into it and having an attitude of curiosity and slowing down can completely transform everything already.

James: 14:32

Yeah. Well, it's just thinking. There is this idea of when we have this idea of sex. For, I think for a lot of people, including women, it's more goal led. Yeah. There's a, there's a pur they, their purpose for sex is, uh, or two things, either to have a child or to have pleasure, but it's more or less, you know, you do the deeds, you finish off, you're done. And I think there's this idea of being able to, as you said, slow down and explore that. And to explore each other, to explore what does, what different sensations can you feel? Mm, I'm working with, um, uh, Graham, is it Waterfield? I think it's Graham Waterfield on his course. And so he is teaching us to explore, self masturbation. So a, a penis massage. But rather than it being the idea of just, ejaculation, there's no, none of that. Is the idea of feeling, feeling the sensations of the, the touch and all that kind of stuff. But from that becomes, comes the idea of, sexual energy. And you can feel when you've done 20, 30 minutes of it, suddenly your body's, your body, your whole body is starting to vibrate because you're able to send that energy up. Yes. And normally surround yourself with sexual energy, which gives you that vitality. Yes.

Gayatri: 16:02

Yeah, absolutely. And you know, it is a great tragedy that so few people actually have been initiated into this kind of experience. So few people know the potential that's available to them within their sexual energy. It's like it's already here, right in your body. You don't need dis expensive equipment. You don't need. To go out anywhere else to do it. It is like it's all happening in here, but we do need that shift inside and some knowledge and skill about how to do it differently. And the problem is that many people I. You know, we have this idea that sex is natural and on, on one level, on a simple biological level. Of course, sex is natural. Um, and we wouldn't, the species wouldn't be here without it. We'd just go extinct. Yeah. But most people don't have sex for procreation. They have it for a whole bunch of other reasons. In fact, last week I was, I was on a webinar with a group of men and I asked them like, you know, why? Well, why do you have sex? What does it mean to you? And it was so touching, how many of them said connection? Right? It's like, I wanna connect, I wanna bond, I wanna feel one with, and these were not like super spiritual guys. They were like, you know. Everyday guys just saying like, I wanna feel that special feeling that you can, you can only have when you, like you are really connected to another human being. Yeah. So the tragedy is that most people go around sex in a very biologically based way. Putting climax orgasm as the focal point of it and actually missing the slowing down the savoring that would bring true pleasure and connection. Yeah. And so especially for men, because there's so much pressure put on men to perform, to have an erection, ejaculation is somehow the marker of successful sex that when that story is running, it is very difficult for a man to really step back and, and. Choose something else unless he's actively cultivated the capacity to do it differently. It's great to hear that you're doing groom's work. I, I totally rate him and what he brings and, and I would say we, we probably have very similar, um, kind of perspectives when it comes to the beauty of masculinity and male sexual energy. When, when men have learned how to bring this in a really integrated way.

James: 18:47

What, what's your story?

Gayatri: 18:49

Ah, thank you. So it's, um, it took me a long time actually to move into sexuality work, even though I felt a real calling to it for most of my adult life. So in fact, when I was younger, I was very. Uh, sexually adventurous, and I just always, I, like, I wanted to know myself and I wanted to know other people, and some people would, might say promiscuous, but that's a, you know, a judgmental label. There was just this desire in me to really express, interestingly, I mean, so many women, you know. I hear like their stories of just very unfulfilling and boring sex and everything like that. And it was just never my, my experience, you know, I had incredible adventures. Um, and men would often say to me, wow, you're so uninhibited, or, I've had experiences with you like I've never had with anybody else. And I would just think. What is, what is everybody else doing? Because it just, it came so naturally to me and I was, I already had a very energetic quality to my love making. And over the years, something which happened, you know, kind of again and again was sometimes I would be drawn to make love to a man, even though I wasn't really attracted to him on the usual kind of physical or even emotional level. I would just feel this kind of inner impulse to move towards them and what, and afterwards they would often tell me, oh wow, I've been, I've been really struggling with erections. Like since my girlfriend dumped me two years ago, I haven't been able to get an erection. But with you, it just. Changed or they struggled with premature ejaculation all the time and then suddenly they, with me it, they moved into a different kind of energy and it wasn't a problem for them. And so I was like. Wow. I seem to be healing men through having sex with them. And when I, it felt like a gift that I had, but I really didn't know what to do with that.'cause it's like, hmm, well if I had sex for money, that would make me a prostitute. And it doesn't feel like, you know, kind of my idea of who I'm, but I was with that for a long time. And then in 2000, yeah, in 2012, um, after having done quite a number, you know, I'd done a lot of trainings in body work, energy work, healing work, and that took me into the path of tantra. And I'd been in my spiritual practice already for a long time. Like I've been a meditator for about 30 years. And, and finally I was like, I'm gonna take the plunge and I'm gonna become a sex worker. I've been thinking about this for such a long time. I'm just going to, I'm just gonna step through that door and see what's there for me. And actually, one of the rules that I made for myself at that time was I. If I feel like my heart is hardening towards men through this work, I will stop immediately because I'd always loved men and loved being around masculinity, and I had this idea that I. Being a sex worker and the transactional nature of that work would bring me into kinda like the worst of the worst, you know? And then I might start getting really fed up with men and, and, and, and then I was like, okay, well I would have to stop if I did that. And that it was completely the opposite. Actually, what I got through a year and a half of being a sex worker was actually just such a tremendous compassion for men and the male experience because the men who came to me really showed me their vulnerability. They showed me a part of themselves, which I feel like probably no other human got to see, and it really deeply, deeply touched me. I. And I heard their stories, and I heard their challenges and frustrations and confusions. And I mean, very often the sessions wouldn't actually involve sex. You know, we would, we would lie cuddling and talking and they would say, wow, I've never been able to have a conversation like this with a woman before. Yeah. Or I would massage them and touch them and they'd say, well, I've never been touched like this in my whole life. Like just. Please carry on touching me. You know, um, after a year and a half I got into a relationship, so I changed the boundaries of my work. And in fact, I have been celibate for the last eight years, so I feel like an incredibly erotic and alive woman. But my sexuality is very, um, focused into, into my work, actually my vocation, my calling. Um, rather than relationship. So it's a real, it's a real shift, but that's the evolution we go through in our life, right? Like, who we were five years ago, 10 years ago. It's not the same. Um, but I've stayed working with men and, and stayed with this just great. Um, yeah, love and compassion for men and a desire to really support them in coming into fulfillment within themselves because think the world needs it and women are crying out for it as well. Women are crying out for men who like can just really show up in the full, authentic, vulnerable, and potent selves.

James: 25:04

You mentioned a minute ago about the parts that, so when you spend time with a man, you mentioned the parts and the challenges and experiences that men go through. Yeah. What, what are some of the biggest challenges that they go through?

Gayatri: 25:19

Well, so, you know, mostly we were talking about, you know, intimacy and, and sex and think. One of the things which I encountered again and again was how much men really wanted to give to women to a particularly in pleasure. How much they wanted to be able to like offer themselves in pleasure, but felt that they were not received in that, and then that they hit a wall and just didn't know what to do with it. And it, so it was like they had this, this, um, gift in them, but they had nobody to give it to. Yeah.

James: 26:00

Okay. Okay. So the men out there who are perhaps in the exact same position you just said, what can they do? How can they start to create space around that so that they can start to, um, give to, they can start to receive that kind of stuff.

Gayatri: 26:17

Yeah. Yeah. I think, you know, one of the most important things is like this desire to give, to express our love, to connect with another is a completely human and natural experience. The challenge I see for many men is that they tend to put. All of that focus onto one person, usually a woman, and, and they want to put it all outwards and they've never cultivated it inwards towards themselves first, like they've never learned how to give that to themselves. So there's a kind of emptiness or hunger that also comes with it, which is very offputting to the feminine. And also many men have never, um, shared that gift of love with other men. And I don't mean in a sexual way. Mm. I mean, in a bonding and brotherhood way. It's like one of the main recommendations that I make to men who like want to expand and touch and be lovers is like, go and develop platonic. Places of connection where it, and particularly with other men, like go to a cuddle party where it's not about attraction and desire, but actually about contact. Go to a men's circle and hug some other guys and like learn to get. Comfortable with contact from other men, and that can, that can be an edge for some men. There's no doubt about it. They've been brought up with, um, you know, distrust and separation and competition or just lack of contact. But it's one of the ways where a man can then reduce the kind of hypersexualization that tends to come with. Touch and desire and contact and just relax more into experience as well as getting nourished from it. Mm-hmm.

James: 28:20

Yeah. The funny thing was, I did, I recorded a podcast yesterday and you're talking about fatherhood and how as a single dad, um, having a, having a daughter, there was this idea that. Sometimes you can put all your energy to, into looking after your kids. And it same with family, but then you never bring it back to yourself. Yeah. And so you're saying the, the key to looking after, um, kids, looking after whoever is to first fill yourself up.

Gayatri: 28:54

Yes,

James: 28:54

exactly. Then once you are full, you can then give it to anybody else. So there, there needs to be a key theme rolling through.

Gayatri: 29:01

Yeah, exactly. And then the love that we want to express, it comes as an overflowing from our being rather than trying to fill an emptiness that's there. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And people feel, can feel the difference of that in some way. It's like when it comes from an overflowing, it's easier to receive if it comes from emptiness. Uh. And, and grasping. Yeah. That creates a dynamic and an energetic level that can be very off-putting.

James: 29:33

So this is linked, this will be linked to aliveness then. So if, if, um, if men want to experience more aliveness, is it about really filling themselves up first?

Gayatri: 29:47

I think it's an important, um, aspect of it, you know, that, that, because aliveness gets more aliveness. Yeah. And it's like sometimes we have to overcome inertia in order to do that. You know, it's like, oh, I don't wanna go out for a walk. But then you go out for a walk and your body gets moving, the blood gets pumping and it's like, oh, that was great. You know, and you come back and you're like. I'm so happy I, I did that. Yeah. Or you don't want to go to the gym, but you overcome it and you get there and it is like, and then once we've done that, we feel more, we're more in our bodies, we also feel more accomplished, you know, just even on a small level. And that kind of boosts us to want to do more of that. Whereas if we're kinda really. Numbed out and floppy and not doing anything. And then we are seeking that aliveness again, coming through sex. It's kind of like, ugh. Like what? Don't put all of that need on me. It's like, find it in yourself first. Right? And then bring that to me. Then we've got something that we can play with here. Uh, so I definitely think the more we cultivate our own aliveness, the more we have to share with another.

James: 31:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's very much linked to grief as well. I think grief has a big part, so I've, I've had my fair share of grief in years gone by, but what I find sometimes is that grief can almost numb the heart and disconnect. From from the world. So for those people who perhaps are disconnected or numb, how can they start to step into their liveness and to step into grief a little bit more?

Gayatri: 31:37

Mm-hmm. Yeah, so, you know, thank you for bringing in grief'cause it is one of the, the streams of my work, and I feel there's a real, there's a very intimate relationship between grief and ero. And I would say numbness can be an element of grief, but it's usually when we're blocking the grief that we go numb. Okay is when we're restricting the flow of grief, we go numb. When we're resisting how grief wants to move through us, we go numb. And you know, when when we, when we block one emotion, it tends to block the other emotions also, like we don't have very good filters in in our system. So when we close down in one area, it tends to shut down the other. And so if we are not able to express the more complex emotions like, like grief, which can be both sorrow and sadness and, and anger and rage and disappointment and, you know, it's, it's like grief is a very complex, uh, kind cluster of different emotions and sensations. It's not just one thing. But you know, in the culture that we live in, people are terribly, terribly afraid of expressing grief. Yeah. Even, even most people won't allow tears to come out. It's like they're not even, it's like 1% of grief, let alone a hundred percent. You know? It's like a tear comes and then they say, I'm sorry, you know? Or, or, or they just haven't cried. Like, you know, I've worked with men. They haven't cried for 10, 15, 20 years. This is not natural. This is not human. Our tears. Our, um, part of our systems process of coming into balance, into homeostasis. Our tears have hormones in them, which heal and soothe, so they're necessary. If you can't cry, some part of you has got shut down, and usually at a very early age. So, you know, for a lot of men when, like, particularly in the teen years, I would say, there's usually a point where a man has a rejection. It's like maybe a first love scenario and it, it hurts so much. Yet, he has no way of expressing that hurt. It's not given space. It's not given time. He's not guided through how to be with that. So he shuts down in his heart, he armors the heart and and closes it down. And at the same time, when that closure of the heart happens to be grief, it's a bit like building a dam inside you and everything just gets backed up behind the dam. Yeah. And then it just gets full of rubbish and clogged up. But you know, because we we're not in touch with the like subtle what's going on inside part of us, we just then start to move through the world thinking, well this is me, this is who I am. This is it. Yeah. But it's not, so much more is possible for you. And I would say, you know, for any man who like really wants to move into his full potential of aliveness, of his erotic expression, of his sexual potency, at some point on that journey, you need to meet the grief that's inside you, that's blocking you from being able to really feel as fully as you have the capacity to feel.

James: 35:27

So how as a man and a woman mm-hmm. How can we start to feel our grief more?

Gayatri: 35:35

Well, I would say not to start with grief. Oh, um, okay. So first of all, I just want to mention one piece that feels really, really important because when, when I mention the word grief, when we speak of grief, most people immediately go to bereavement in their heads, right? Grief and death sort of go together for many people, but there are many, many other kinds of grief that we experience through life. Some of them are around loss. So yeah, loss of relationship or loss of the dream that we had for something in our life. Loss of work, loss of purpose, loss for the, of the plans that we made. And if we look at, you know, five years ago when we were in lockdown with Covid, the Pandemic, there were a tremendous amount of losses that many people experienced. Um, and yet I don't think col, I don't think we really digested all of that. I feel a lot of that is still sitting in the collective part, you know, um, but you know, even beyond that. I would say there's kind of existential grief that many, many people are experiencing and, and my understanding of this comes from the work of France as Weller. So I wanna honor him in that. And he wrote an amazing book called The Wild Edge of Sorrow, and one of the griefs, he actually talks about five different gateways of grief, but one that feels really, really, I think, resonant is. The grief we experience of what our soul came into the world expecting but didn't receive. And I think for many of us, it is like our soul came into this world expecting a village to surround us, expecting a tribe to hold us expecting, um. Connection and celebration and knowing our place in the web of life, of having initiation and markers of our journey, our passage through this life of having elders who could show us the way. And all of these structures that our ancestors would've known only a few hundred years ago have been really systematically dismantled through the industrial revolution. Right? And so. But yet there's part of us that knows it and seeks it, and this is why people, you know, we're trying to find connections through social media. We're making gods out of celebrities. It's like there's a part of us that longs for these. Symbols and signs and meaning making in our lives. And when we don't already have that in our childhood and we're not brought up with a connection to something bigger than us, we fill that space. Um, and often with things that are unhealthy and unhelpful. Yeah. So to truly connect with grief, I would say we need two things, and one of them is community. And the other is, uh, ceremony that it needs to be in a space of ritual. And so the, these are, this is part of the work that I do when I'm, I'm teaching at festivals and events. I actually run grief rituals so that people get to be held in that level of, to truly step into grief. Yeah. So I appreciate that. And, and there are wonderful, there are grief, other grief spaces that are online that are smaller circles. And I'm only speaking of the work that I do. But what I would encourage people to do that is accessible from where they are right now is like, don't try to think of grief because it will feel overwhelming. It will feel, it will be like, oh, if I start, it will never end. That's most people's biggest fear about grief. If I start, it'll never stop. And when it's not tended to, well that. I can't see, but it may even be true. So that's okay. But I think what's more accessible is starting to simply turn into yourself and to notice what is here now. So this is a practice I I teach my clients, and it can really help if you put your hand on your heart and close your eyes. I just check in with yourself and see what is here now, and then see what floats up from inside you. Yeah, don't try to think about it with your head because your head will probably judge and. Criticize and or try and edit it. Mm. Or try and talk you into something else. Oh no, you should be feeling dah, dah, dah, dah. That's the way we've been brought up. Like actually just turning into yourself, your heart and think what's, what's here?

James: 40:53

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can feel sadness.

Gayatri: 40:56

Right. Yeah. Like, like lit. Literally when people get the space to true, to actually be with themselves, usually grief is and sad, some kind of sadness, some kind of melancholy is just right under the surface, scratch the surface. Grief will be there. Yeah. It,

James: 41:17

it's like it's, for me, it's, it's like sadness of, um, past relationships gone by. I've never really struggled to heal a lot of the wounds and yeah, right. It's incentive loss. Loss is a big one, but not necessarily loss of partners. It could be loss of, um, dogs, loss of, um, people in your life, loss of, it'll be anything. And it's, it's this, uh, I could feel myself. Slightly tearing up earlier, but yeah, I've always been a man, I've always been a man that struggled to cry and Right. I might bug to, um, tear up for like 30 to 45 seconds and then suddenly it stops and I'm like, come on, let, let it flow. But mm-hmm. I beg sometimes you put so much pressure on yourself, who to grieve that you almost block, you block, you block the way right.

Gayatri: 42:10

Yeah, exactly. And you know, when, when does that kind of like, I dunno, sense of expectation, right? It stops us. I always expectation is the enemy of experience.

James: 42:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Gayatri: 42:24

yeah. So it's like, start with something smaller, just taking that time and you know, and, and if you're listening to this and you do it and you're like, I'm not getting anything, it is okay. Keep going with it. Like maybe put a reminder on your phone like every hour of your waking day just to, to, to do that. And in time it will come, it will come when you actually just give yourself the space. To feel, to notice what is already happening inside you. Mm-hmm. Right. We're not generating this feeling. We're simply cultivating our capacity to notice it in that moment, which does sometimes amplify the feeling. So sadness was there. Oh, I'm attending to sadness. Wow. Now it's starting to come through my eyes in the form of tears. But the thing is you were, it was already there inside you. There was a part of you unconsciously that was already holding it back, and when we're holding it back, we're suppressing ourself from fully experiencing life. Right at a very unconscious level. Of course, this is just what, it's what we've been taught since we were very, very little to do. But then it becomes like a kind of veil between you and the beauty of the world around. So when we actually give ourselves permission to feel whatever we're feeling without judging it, we start to, um, have more capacity to be in an intimate relationship with the world around us. Mm-hmm.

James: 44:07

So you were saying that quite often we block ourselves. Yeah. How can we start to unblock?'cause I, I know that, I think how I've been brought up in some respects. On the farms and different areas, you're being told that you know not to cry. Or you see parents with children who are having a paddy and you said, stop doing that. Stop doing that. And it's almost like you're trying to push it down and it is feeding that. I think as a society we, we were, we are afraid. Of what's gonna happen if we are allowed or allow kids or allow other people to express ourselves. There's almost this, this for me is, this is fear that if, if they express themselves, they're gonna make a fall on me. They're going to shout and have a patty or they're gonna start getting angry. But I feel as though these are the parts of ourselves that we need to. To be expressed per, perhaps, maybe there's a way and a means in which we can express it in a certain situation. So maybe in in the middle of a shop, you're not gonna get angry. Yeah. And so you'll find a, another um, place. Yeah. But I feel as though we need to be able to. Express all these emotions. So how can we get over the idea of blocking ourselves and how can we start to release these emotions, whether it's grief, anger, um, sadness, whatever it is, healthily.

Gayatri: 45:44

Yeah. So what, what's really important in turning towards all of these emotions is a sense of containment. Right. So it's, it is creating basically safe structures and moments where we get to be in the energy of the feeling without it being directed like towards somebody or being harmful. And I would say if we practice this stuff, whenever we're in a neutral or good state of. Being this anyway, it gives us something to refer back to whenever we're really activated or heightened. Yeah. So to, to give an example, and I'm thinking, I've never done this with kids actually, because I work with adults, but I, I imagine this could be quite good, but this, so one of the practices which I, I teach men and and couples as well, um, is, is how to do some play fighting. So it's like they take turns. One person is holding in their physicality and the other is pushing into them and bringing the energy of their like out. Yeah, but you don't, you don't start doing it when you're angry. You do it when you're feeling good and you get a feeling of, okay. Your RAR is coming towards me, but I can stay here and be present with you. I'm gonna hold you, I'm gonna witness you in your rar, and you get a feeling of like how much strength you can bring in, how much power you can let through, and you do it in a way that's playful. So it's not like coming with a charge to it. It's not coming to hurt. It's like, let's meet one another in this energy. And you swap it around. Mm-hmm. And you know, you each, you know, so for couples especially, you each take turns. Now, what is fascinating in this is that men are much more reluctant to bring their raw to a woman than a woman is to a man. And that's because so many men have stuffed down that part of themselves. They're afraid of it. They don't wanna hurt the woman. And so they've, they've disowned, they've rejected their, their beast, you know? Well, actually most women love the energy of beast when it comes in a healthy way. You're laughing, you know, this one. Um, it's like being able to meet one another in that place, but when we're in a warm. Playful, you know, spirit. It means that, you know, so often couples get into arguments with one another and they try to communicate through talking, right? But they can't hear one another and then they start shouting'cause they're trying to get through to one another and it just becomes a big mess. What is so much better is just like, I've got this feeling. There's this feeling here. Will you hold me while I bring this feeling through? And do it without words? Let it come as an energy. Let yourself roar while you're held by your partner. And usually once somebody's done that for a few minutes, they can then talk about what has upset them in a really normal, natural, neutral way. Or they've discover, I don't even need to talk about it now. It's like, because what I needed was to know that you were there for me. I needed you to be with me in this difficult feeling. And when we bring it through the body and were met in the body, it can transform it.

James: 49:35

Yeah. Yeah.

Gayatri: 49:36

And we don't need to be afraid of it because we've already practiced it and we know what we can hold for one another.

James: 49:44

Yeah. That, that's, um, takes the charge away. Mm-hmm.

Gayatri: 49:49

Exactly, and we don't need to fear one another's emotions. We can learn how to be with them, but we need to practice this stuff. You know, it's like we weren't taught it growing up. We never saw it modeled anywhere. People are just discovering how to do it. But when we, when we practice it together, we build more relationality and then we can expand together in our intimacy.

James: 50:16

Yeah. Yeah. There, there's a couple of things I've seen recently. So there's, um, so I saw an article, not an article, somebody in Facebook put it, put it down about him witnessing two men fighting, and he asked the two men why they, why they're fighting. Yeah. And he said that, um, I don't know what the reasons were, but what he said to them, right? He said that, uh, you can fight, but there's a couple of ground rules that you're gonna have. Yeah,

Gayatri: 50:46

I saw this too. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

James: 50:47

I think, I think that's, that's key. I think because we get into this idea that biting is bad. Mm. But biting. If it's got a purpose and it's there and it can help us to release anger, but there's boundaries, yes. Then I think that's a good thing. Yes. Yes.'cause it allows us as, especially as us as men who are able to release anger, we're able to release it in a, in a healthy way. Yeah. And I think that's why I, I, I noticed a lot of men who are into the personal development are begin to martial arts.

Gayatri: 51:25

Mm. And I think that's the

James: 51:25

say same reason. It's not to defend themselves. It's so that they can allow that inner warrior to, to get to, to have a, have a voice.

Gayatri: 51:36

Yeah. Yeah. And what's so beautiful, um, in, in martial arts is that, you know, you spoke right at the beginning about this, you know, the, the, the fluidity of being able to be with the masculine and feminine parts in, in martial arts, this is the yang and the yin and the flow between them. And yeah, I've, I've worked with many men actually, who martial arts was their first gateway into, you know, this, this thing we call energy, like a sense of, oh, there's this mysterious force that moves through me and life that I can tap into. Through my martial arts practice that I've come to know through that practice. And so the, the, in the martial artist, he's powerful. He's potent, but he's also yielding and flowing. And for me, this is the, this is the integration. Yeah. When we bring these two parts together. Because without, without the yin, a man who's just exploring the masculine becomes very brittle. Actually, this is the problem with kind of hyper-masculinity is it's very brittle and it's very easily pushed into unhealthy expressions of aggression because it doesn't have that fluidity to move with what is happening. It just come, it only knows force.

James: 53:04

Yeah. Just before we cover that a little bit more, I noticed I saw another thing on Facebook where there's a. The one man, the man was just sitting there while his partner, I, I assume it's his partner, was just, she was allowing that inner feminine to come out, this just going rah kind of thing. And I think that, but for me, that showed how in a, in a really, really healthy relationship, having that space where both the woman and the man can voice their expressions.

Gayatri: 53:42

Yes. And

James: 53:43

that was a lovely thing to say.

Gayatri: 53:45

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think, you know, actually women, women have become much more, um, you know, kind of. Uh, enjoying bringing that kinda energy forth and giving themselves permission to do it. It's been part of women claiming their empowerment. I would say. It's not, it's not, you know, like anything, it can have a healthy and an unhealthy expression. Mm-hmm. You know, but I find it quite fascinating. I remember years ago going to a workshop where. The facilitator, he'd, all the men lined up on one side and he had the women lined up on another and he, he was like, men, you know, I want you to, you know, bring to the women your sound of like all your hurt, all your anger, feminine and everything. And they go, they just kind of went, whoa, whoa, whoa, like that, you know? It was absolute pathetic. And then to the women bring your rage and the women went full hall blown and it just didn't stop. Like it just kept going and going and going. And the guys, you could see they were looked absolutely terrified actually. But it was kind of fascinating because the men just couldn't. They couldn't access that part of themselves and they couldn't bring it. They, and I think, I think now men, like that's part of the piece of work for men is actually being able to reclaim that part of themselves and, but bringing it through in healthy, appropriate channels so they can start to really feel themselves again and open into a wider range of expression.

James: 55:29

Hmm. Well, it's, it's the idea. I think sometimes as a, a man, you, you're scared of that energy.'cause that energy of course can be so potency. So how can, how can we stop ourselves from going into the unhealthy? So going from expressing anger to how can we stop ourselves from going from anger to rage.

Gayatri: 55:56

So I, I think it's, you know, it's interesting. It's like, it's not about stopping yourself from going into it, it's about having other expressions for your aliveness so that it doesn't get bottled up. Yeah. It's the bottling up. It's the suppression, it's the, it's the blocking of it. That means that when the pressure builds up to a certain intensity, it does come out, you know? Like full blown, basically, because it's been waiting for so long to do that. Yeah. But it's realizing that if we have a wider range of expressions, if we bring our energy out in different ways, and that can be as simple as, um, you know, exercise. For example, you know, it's like to not underestimate the, the power of moving our bodies in being able to regulate our emotional state. So it might not come in the obvious place, but I think you know, it, it's like if you imagine if you put everything into one very narrow channel is got nowhere to go but out. But if you widen the channel, then it gets to flow in the space in between. And that's the kind of orientation I think men need to look at, is how to widen the aperture of aliveness so that they are more fully expressed in themselves. And the, the anger and our need to, our need to state our boundaries to give our nose comes in an appropriate way, as does there. Joy and their heartfulness and their tenderness and their tears and their, uh, excitement and delight and, you know, and all the other emotions. It's like opening that range of emotion, uh, means it doesn't all get bottled up.

James: 57:53

Thank you very much. Can you, um, tell people what you are offering and how they can get in contact?

Gayatri: 58:02

Thank you. So, yeah, I work with men who want to explore full spectrum sexuality. So this is connecting with your sexual energy beyond biology and bringing it into every aspect of your being, including awakening your consciousness. So I, um, have an online program for men. I'm right, uh, in that at the moment, but there'll be a new round in autumn. It's called initiation. So it's giving men the guidance around their sexual energy that they never had before. And I also work in person with men, specifically erotic mastery for evolutionary men. So this is about men who want to become the best that they can be in the bedroom and beyond.

James: 58:50

Thank you very much.

Gayatri: 58:52

Thank you.