The Truth About Love: Why Your Relationship Shapes Your Entire Life - Part 1 | Matt & Rebecca Albiges

In this powerful and emotionally raw episode of Man: A Quest to Find Meaning, we explore how the quality of your relationships directly shapes the quality of your life — from your energy and mental health to your career, confidence, and sense of self-worth.

James is joined by therapeutic coaches Rebecca and Matthew for an honest, grounded conversation about what it really takes to create loving, conscious, and emotionally fulfilling relationships — especially as men.

Together, they unpack:

• Why self-love isn’t always the starting point — and how relationships can be our greatest teacher
• How suppressed emotions, overthinking, and low self-worth keep us stuck in cycles of conflict or disconnection
• The difference between loving from fear vs. loving from truth — and how to recognise which one you're in
• How to begin inner child healing, what adaptive patterns we carry into adulthood, and why emotional embodiment (not overanalysis) is key to change
• Tools like Family Constellations, cold showers, and nervous system repair for real, embodied healing

This episode is a call-in for any man who feels disconnected, emotionally overwhelmed, or stuck in outdated ideas of masculinity. You'll learn why feeling your emotions isn’t weakness — it’s leadership. And why your inner child, no matter how hidden, still holds the key to your healing.

“A real man feels. A real man heals. And from that place — he thrives.”

About Matt & Rebeeca

Matt & Rebeca are genuinely passionate about helping their clients turn around whatever relationship challenges they are going through, so that they can experience more love, passion, connection and joy through their relationships. As well as providing the award-winning Relationship Breakthrough Programme, they are the hosts of the Relationship Breakthrough Show with Matt & Rebeca podcast, and Matt's book "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" is an Amazon top-10 bestseller. They have also featured widely on broadcast and printed media including the BBC.

https://alignedwithlove.net/

Transcript

0:00

In this episode, we talk about how the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. The importance of embodying our emotions, especially for men, and how you can start to do this today. And we looked at at different levels of love and how you can start to identify yours. Welcome to Man: A Quest to Find Meaning, where we help men navigate modern life, find their true purpose, and redefine manhood. I'm your host, James, and each week, inspiring guests share their journeys of overcoming fear Embracing vulnerability and finding success. From experts to everyday heroes. Get practical advice and powerful insights. Struggling with career, relationships or personal growth? We've got you covered. Join us on Man Quest to Find Meaning. Now, let's dive in.

James: 1:01

The quality of our relationships are what determines the quality of our life. Good morning, Matthew and Rebecca, can you explain more?

Matt: 1:10

Should, should I make a start? Yeah, of course, James. Well, yeah, we are passionate about relationships and I know like from the past when I've been really miserable in my relationship, it's just affected me in so many different ways. You know, my energy, my motivation, my spirit, you know, and really, yeah, when, when things are really not working, it can really bring you to your knees. And what I found then is that when things are really working like magic, it's just such an enabler to everything else that we're doing. So, yeah, that's really why, why I'm so passionate about this area of relationships and why I think there's so fundamental to great mental health, great, uh, state of mind and great outcomes in lots of areas. How about you?

Rebecca: 1:50

I agree. Uh, when I met James, when I met Matt, uh, he kept going on and on with his sentence, and one day I realized, oh my God, I got it. All those years of loneliness, paying a mystery in relationships, failed relationships. All of a sudden I felt heard by Matt saying that sentence because it's so true. When you have a, a relationship with a partner that is not working, then. It affects everything else. It affects your sleep, your state of, uh, mind and emotional state at work. You get more grumpy or more, you withdraw, you get angry, snappy, uh, everything else really, your health, your digestions. Suddenly you have that food that you can digest and intolerances and you are wondering where is this coming from? Interesting. Maybe your relationship is the source of that pain.

James: 2:51

Yeah, I can, I, I can agree with,'cause my own perspective of relationships is if, if I'm in a good place in relationships now that might not be a healthy relationship, but I feel in a good place that affects my energy, it affects my, uh, business, it affects how I am mentally. And so this idea that obviously. I don't know. It's an intuitive thing, I think, but when I know it is going downhill, suddenly my energy changes. And rather than being able to focus on other stuff, your head's playing around in a circle of what's going to happen. Oh no, have I done something wrong? What am I supposed to do? What can I do? Kind of thing. Is it this kind of cycle? And so, yeah, I think you could easily probably say that if your relationship is good, then your whole life is going to have a massive, massive impact.

Rebecca: 3:51

That's right, exactly. Some people start overthinking a lot, like you've just said, overthinking, what's going on? Am I safe? Am I not safe? Do you love me? You don't love me? Or what have I done now no matter what I do, he's never happy or she's never happy. And we just, uh, we, we keep ourselves in this loop, trapped in this loop, and it affects our self-esteem, it affects our confidence, it affects our work performance, business performance. So, yeah.

James: 4:22

And his idea, I think as well, it's, it's, everybody says you need to look yourself before you conduct somebody else. And I partly agree, but I partly kind of don't agree. Because there's the idea that to love yourself before you can love somebody else, it's quite difficult for a lot of people because people don't know how to love. And so it's this idea that. I've got a, I've got to a point in my life now where I am. Si. I'm single. I'm quite happy being single. I've got to a point where I can, I can love myself, but it's taken me 10 years of hard work. And so it's this idea that for an everyday person it's a lot to do and it can be very overwhelming. And to be able to guide yourself through all that is quite a task.

Matt: 5:17

That's a great point, James. I love that, that way of looking at things. I, I think like loving yourself is, is something that's banded around a lot. You hear a lot of people say, well, if you love yourself then everything's okay. But it, it's a bit, bit of a slippery one. I find because there's a certain aspect, if we have low self-esteem, for sure, if we doubt ourselves and feel a lot of insecurity, then it's, that might not be bad advice, you know, to believe in yourself a bit more, but then other people like flip the other way and they're almost like a believe a bit too much in themselves, and it can turn into like an arrogance or narcissism, really. And so for people with that pattern, loving yourself more isn't really that helpful. So it just kind of, it's a bit like horses for courses, really.

Rebecca: 5:58

Yes, yes. I agree. You know, I was also thinking as well, James, what you've just said before about, uh, some people don't know how to love. I, I actually think that. People have, um, different ways of loving Some people's ways of loving is calling the partner's names and that's the way they love, they didn't learn anything else. Uh, some people, ways of loving is taking the partner out for a holidays just to end up having another route, but that's the way they look. And some people, the way they love is to talk about the issues that they're having and go to the bottom of it whilst they listen to each other with curiosity and compassion. And that's the way they love. Uh, so there are different ways of loving The question is, which one do we have? Always say we can be aligned with fear and that's the way we are gonna be, uh, loving our partners with jealousy, insecurities, controlling patterns, or we can be aligned with love, like I said, with curiosity and compassion where we can both grow together.

James: 7:10

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a perfect example? With my, with myself now I am literally, because it's so hot, I'm literally pouring my sweat. Now, it could be part of me who's literally says, bloody hell, what's going on? And start to give myself a lot of, a lot of g and a lot of hate because I'm sweating. But, and there's the idea that rather than it allowing that to kick in, it's like, okay, we're sweating. It's okay. And it's almost that acceptance of how we are in this moment and how we can grow that acceptance in a way that we not only just see the person for who they are, but we're able to listen on a deeper level.

Matt: 7:52

Yeah, definitely James. I like that, that point. Definitely think, I think the self-acceptance and to be honest, acceptance of our partner. I think acceptance is a really great starting point. What people they'll forget is that I can accept the person. I'm not trying to change them, but I can also still ask them to do things or maybe not do things so we can still have a conversation. But really, yeah, when we start trying to change the other personal, requiring them to do things for our benefit, then that, again becomes more, more difficult.

James: 8:22

Can you tell me about yourselves?

Matt: 8:24

Yeah. Should I go first? Yeah. Yeah. We work with couples and some individuals to improve their relationship, but I haven't always done this. I worked in corporate for years and years and that was great, but I also wanted to get out and do something different. And this was a dream? And when I went through my own divorce years ago, now I had some insights like, really help me to. Make sense of how I'd become so stuck and unhappy for so many years. And that really led me to wanting to then share that with other people. I see so many other people struggling in their relationships, just not really understanding what it takes to have a great relationship. So then it became a personal passion to, to share that with people. And then when I met the incredible Rebecca, and she was already working in a similar field, working with a lot of women, but some men as well, and we thought, well, why don't we work with couples and set this up in this way to serve people that want to really transform the relationships.

Rebecca: 9:21

I love it. Yes.

Matt: 9:22

How about you?

Rebecca: 9:23

I, when I met Matt James, I worked with, I was working as a therapist in London, like Matt said, and I was doing a lot of personal work on myself as well, and, and because, uh, I came to London, to the UK from Spain. Because I was in a mess mentally, emotionally, uh, physically, I was just in a mess. And, and, and I need to do something. I need to change. And like you said before, I need to learn to love myself, but not like some people do. Painting my nails, saying, taking a bath and going shopping. No, actually I needed some inner work to, to get done. I need to forgive my parents. I need to accept my parents for everything they did, because they did in the best way that they could with the resources that they had. I need to forgive myself for not having done the best that I could have done in the past, that I wanted to have them, but actually did the best that I could. I, forgiveness was a massive thing. Acceptance, compassion. Uh, stop judging people. Stop judging myself. Stop judging my partners. Stop. Stop trying to change. My partners. Learn to embrace fear. You know, rather than just, uh, walking away from the relationship, which was my pattern. And so that's how I came to do what I do. Then I met Matt and he was all in, and, and that was amazing because actually by the time I met Matt, I was, uh, working on manifesting my idea, my dream partner. And I said to myself, well, in the past I always wish to have an IT guy as a boyfriend, so who fix my computers? But this time I got more practical and I thought, no, actually when a psychologist, because this time he will, he will stop me from, uh, walking away from the relationship. And actually it, mark was doing, uh, his master in LP in London, the practitioner, and I was doing mine. So we met and I thought, this is gonna be handy or I won't make it ever in relationships. And here we are. Hey, he did a good job. I hid the nail and now we.

James: 11:34

What I find is that as everybody, I think everybody after a certain age has trauma due to what's happened in the past. And I think trauma is obviously with that, that which makes us, because quite often when you are able to identify your trauma, you are able to delve a little bit deeper into our own patterns. What triggers us, what kind of patterns really, um, stop our relationships from working. And when we come to discover these patterns, suddenly it's, you know, you start to change a couple of things and he start to really unravel.'cause I've know from my own perspective, I've been through five different relationships. The first one being the most painful, but each time I almost felt as though I was almost progressing onto the next one and the next one, the next one. And it's this idea that. Trauma is what kind of helps us to grow, helps us to become who we're meant to become. And so what was it specifically, specifically for yourselves? What kind of traumas did you have when you are younger, and how did you overcome these traumas?

Matt: 12:47

Yeah, of course. Should I go first? Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, for me, James, I, I think there were, there were patterns that I learned growing up, like just survival mechanisms, particularly like just trying to keep people happy. You know, I, I think one of my key like patterns was just like keeping the peace. Don don't set, people don't have the difficult conversation, don't have a proper boundary, just hope for the best. Uh, and I know that it made sense in a certain way, but it also caused me a lot of problems in my relationships, particularly, and, uh, ended up. Really unhappy, frustrated, and, uh, a, a big part of my journey has been reconnecting with that more masculine side of myself, I guess, which does have boundaries and can say no and, you know, in a loving way and considerate way, but still clear on what I'm, what I stand for and what I do stand for. And, uh, that I think has been a real breakthrough, uh, for me in healing that past trauma.

Rebecca: 13:44

Yeah. About

Matt: 13:44

you.

Rebecca: 13:45

That's a good one, Matt. For me, the, my, my trauma, it was a lot, a lot of them, not just one. Uh, mainly I needed to, to discover, which I did with Family Constellations. That's why I am a Family Constellations therapist. I need to discover that I had a dream when I was born. I actually had a twin that was lost and no one told me about it. So when women get pregnant, they can have, uh, twins, but one of them is born. That was me, the survivor, but the other one didn't. And no one talked about it. And I don't even know if my mother actually knows or not, but there was some evidence and, and that caused me a lot of, uh, issues in my life from suicidal thoughts all my life. I wanted to kill myself and not to be here, uh, because unconsciously I wanted to meet during my, my twin and depression like that as well. And, and I also had these feelings of abandonment because I felt unwanted, uh, like I should not have been born, to be honest and rejected. Betrayal as well. A lot from my parents. I felt betrayed and from, yeah, there was a lot of that. And that, uh, those traumas, I brought them into my relationships with my partners, where actually I was projecting my twin onto my partners and I treated them as a little boy. And, and, and that's not right. And, and also. Um, because I wanted to protect myself from when I wasn't feeling safe. Uh, as a, in my childhood, I actually switched, uh, substantially in certain situations from my feminine energy to my masculine energy, but in a very polarized way, which is not healthy and it's not relational. And so I would show up very masculine in my relationships. So I would tend to attract nice guys. Uh, guys. What that we're embodying, uh, the feminine energy more than the masculine ones. And that will cause challenges in the relationships. And so, yeah, so abandonment, rejection, betrayal, loneliness, depression, suicidal thoughts. That is not, not comfortable. But if I want to choose to look at this like a gift, I think I want to because thanks to those gifts, I am here with my best friend, best ever partner, and doing what I love and, and having an amazing life. So you can choose to look at your trauma as a burden or as a gift. It depends on what you make of it, because as I said before, our parents do their best with the resources that they have, and we can do better.

James: 16:46

Yeah, I can, I can relate that I was, um, very much a nice guy. I was, and it's, it's, it's obviously a term which is thrown around, isn't it really? Now you nice guys and you get the, what's called is it a very toxic, very, very, um, what you, you call'em, I can't even know what to call'em, but I remember in my first relationship, I, I would avoid conflict. I, you know, I would really, really avoid conflict because I know conflict really allow, puts me into my anxious state. And so as soon as she would start raising her voices, I would cower down and not say anything. And so that's how, luckily for me that the relationship ended. But at the same time, it's what kind of triggered me to make that commitment to completely change. And yeah, it's this idea that with the change comes new beginnings.

Matt: 17:48

That's right. It's a good way to look at it. There's always a chance to learn our lesson, isn't it James? And you know, maybe it's through the end or maybe we sort of reconvene or re reestablish an existing relationship in a more healthy way. But there's always a chance to, to rebuild and learn the lesson. The key thing for people is whether they're ready to learn that or not, because can you see your scenario? You could have come out and just thought, well, it's all about her. She was toxic, she was this or that. And then you probably don't learn much,

18:15

but

Matt: 18:15

it sounds like you were willing to look at yourself. So that generally is a great starting point, but it's uncomfortable, you know, not everyone is ready for that.

James: 18:22

That's right. You mentioned family Constellation. What's family Constellations?

Rebecca: 18:30

Family constellations is, uh, is the most powerful therapy mo therapeutic modality that, that I know. It's so powerful. It, it's all based on the issues that we inherit from our biological family. And there are secrets. There are, uh, truths, hidden truths, hidden secrets, uh, things that we don't know. Uh, and they, and there can be some, uh, disorder, systemic disorder where, for example, as I said before, James, um, I wasn't the third sibling as I thought I was the fourth one because the third was my, my thing. And so those things that have not been told can actually cause. Chronic illness, accidents, uh, lack of fortune. Like we don't get clients, we don't get a job, we can't find a job, we can't find the right partner, but relationships, but health, all kinds of things. And I have experienced so much of that, even accidents to the point I could have killed myself really? So, so family constellations looks at the hidden truths and the hidden secrets that we, that the mind doesn't remember, but the body does and that comes up in therapy, uh, and is, it changes everything. It's just the deepest root cause as you can ever go for really, uh, is powerful.

James: 19:57

And so she very, is very similar to ancestral healing.

Rebecca: 20:02

Yes, because yeah, yeah, yeah. James. Exactly. Because when you free yourself from your, the ance that you carried from your ancestors, because it could be that you learned some behavior from your parents or caregivers or the people around you that you grew up with. So we can get some of the burdens and, uh, we can also get some burdens inherited in our, in our DNA inherited trauma, which is a lot of, uh, science around that as well. Then when we undo those things, we have our path ahead free to just create whatever we want data, rather than repeating the stories from our ancestors or repairing them, or even compensating for them. We can just put all that aside and just create from this class alive.

James: 20:57

Yeah, I can, yeah, I think. Our, our parents, their parents, their parents, their parents went through so much. And to think that, to try and it is quite difficult'cause when you wanna heal yourself, yourself, you've got what you are now, but then you're looking at your parents, you're looking at their parents and their parents. And so if you look about hundreds, 200 years ago, my family were, have been farmers for quite a long time. And this idea that back then there was a lot of, a lot of poverty. And you can see it even in the mindset of poverty consciousness. And I think that leads from back probably a hundred, 200 years ago, where people were literally in poverty and people would. Die at very early age. And so I think that has a quest obviously has a massive impact on with death and with um, loss and things like that. Now, you mentioned earlier about forgiving your parents and forgiving yourself. How did you go about doing that?

Rebecca: 22:12

That's the problem that people misunderstand what forgiveness really means. So how did I go about that? It wasn't like I need to say, uh, from a grandiose perspective. Okay, ma'am, that I forgive you. No, because, uh, I'm not better than them. Uh, we just d friends, I do my way, they did it their way and now we are both adults. Uh, but what I actually did was to, to look at them with love and compassion, understanding that they did what they did. Because that's all they could do at the time, whether I liked it or not, whether it was convenient for me or not, they could have not done anything else. And also, if they could have done any better, that would have been also very positive for them, for themselves. But they didn't because they just didn't know. And that understanding, but not understanding, but embodiment of that feeling, uh, of that understanding that is really healing because forgiveness really is, um, happens when you forgive yourself. When you free yourself from the, the, the judgment and the anger that we hold in our bodies. Which are actually, it's causing, uh, physical illness and emotional, uh, illness as well and all kinds of things. When we free ourselves from that judgment and that criticism and blame and anger, uh, because we judging our parents, you should have done this. You should have given me that. You should have not done that. You should, I'm still waiting for an apology. When you free yourself from all that, uh, that's forgiveness really. So you are not doing that to your parents or to whoever you need to forgive you, freeing yourself from the harmful chemicals that we are creating in our bodies when we hold someone, uh, in less than warm regard. And that's really forgiveness. That's what I

Matt: 24:11

did. C can I comment on that as well? I, I love what you're saying. Uh. So, you know, no one's perfect are they? You know, and I'm sure you know people, there are people listening. They will look at what the parents have done and like find it really hard to accept, you know, what's happened. And you know, I feel like in so many ways I've been really well supported by my parents, but I'm also sure that like they've given up so much for me, you know, to enable me to be sitting here right now. You know, they could have been doing anything with all that time and energy that they put into, well, in many cases, picking up the pieces after me from whatever chaos I've created. So I almost feel like my parents have like thrown themselves into a lot of difficulties on my behalf. So how would that sit for me to think, well, I've now got to give them my forgiveness for something. Well, no, I don't, I don't have to forgive anything. It's like, who am I really? I'm just grateful that I'm here. They did their best. No one's perfect. Um, we learn. We learn, or we sit here and blame. And then we stay stuck. So that's our choice really. I see it. That's right.

Rebecca: 25:17

Yeah. Yeah. And, and also, it's so funny as well, James, because you know, sometimes we judge, uh, our parents because they did that, they did that. And surprise, surprise, we're doing the same to our children. And if we don't have children, we're doing the same thing to our inner children in a little girl in my case, or little boy in Matt's case, we all, uh, sometimes we do self sabotage, which is what I'm saying. We do the same things to ourselves, the way we talk to ourselves. Oh, come on, why am I so stupid? Or, come on, you can do better, Rebecca. What the hell? But. Who was talking to me like this, and I said to myself, I will never talk like, like that to my children in the future. And now I'm doing it to myself or I'm doing it to my children. So it's, it is judgment. It is just the worst. James, honestly, I had so many food intolerances in the past and I could not even eat gluten. And today I was just thinking that actually I, I eat gluten now and I'm. Totally perfect. Uh, I try to avoid it now that I've got used to not do it, but it doesn't harm me anymore. And it was the judgment, the lack of tolerance. The lack of acceptance, uh, holding grudges, uh, looking to the past, still stuck in the past. Mm, that's what I was saying with the family constellation, still judging what they could have done, what they could have not done. How about this? You didn't gimme that. Why do my friends, uh, why, why all my friends have this thing from their parents. But you didn't, you actually did me, gave me this other thing, and I didn't want to thank very much. And like all these narratives, I'm stuck in the past. I'm not creating anything nice and moving forward, and then I'm blaming them Who's doing now this to me. Them or me Also people, people can harm us sometimes once, twice. But how many times do we do it to ourselves in our heads, the way we talk, the way so many times thinking about what happened in the past. Because our body doesn't distinguish whether it's happening right now or it happened eight years ago, or if I am watching a movie or if I am making a movie in my head. It is the same for the body. We are creating these chemicals in our bodies. Every time we judge, we blame, we criticize. Who is the perpetrator now and who is the victim? Me both. So, so why are we talking about this? I don't know about how it, James.

James: 27:44

One of the things that I'm doing at the moment is trying to figure out what my, what my core intention is with regards to what I'm doing with the podcast, with the business. And one thing that came up was that growing. Growing up, I never had anybody to. To hold the part to me that I perhaps were away from my shadow parts, the part to me that I hated. And so there's this idea, I think, in modern society that things that you hate, you push away. Yeah. The one that I've come to realize with that is if you push something away like that, say whether it's, uh, say Brooks example, it's hate, or whether it's anger or it could be impatience. I've always found it comes back two or three times harder and you're, you are almost, you're continually judging yourself because you are always thinking, oh, I shouldn't be hating that. I shouldn't be angry, I should be nice. I shouldn't be impatient. But it is this idea that when we allow these parts in, it's, it's, it could be good. Again, it becomes the idea that we start to accept these pots and it's only then when we start to accept these parts. I mean these parts in, we can start to create. To, you can start to Inca create embodiment exercises. So with regards to embodiment exercises, how can people really allow themselves to feel these emotions, to feel these parts themselves that they perhaps don't want to acknowledge or they wanna run away from and from what can they specifically do?

Matt: 29:25

Yeah, the first thing I touched on, uh, James, which I think comes under what you are describing, is meditation. So I learned, I learned meditation like years ago now in my early twenties. And I, it's not an exaggeration to say that it saved my life and definitely changed my life'cause I was in a mess. And what I realized, James, is that by connecting more deeply, tapping into my experience and my understanding and my whole being is that I found myself with so many more choices. Than I ever imagined that I had. I, I just thought so many things were that's just the way they are. And I hadn't really given them much thought. I just thought, well, that's how everyone is. That's how it's gonna be. That's how the society is. And I just hadn't really given it much sort of deeper thought. But, so I found personally, for me, Jay, like one of the most powerful things was really allowing my mind to settle and to go deeper, to become more embodied, really more connected to the earth, you could say. And, uh, and from there it's what I realized is it's not really an exercise in like cleverness. It's not like how I probably, up until that point, I probably imagined it like a big spreadsheet. And if I could just like work everything out, I'd know the answer. But then what I realized is that it's a bit the opposite of that actually. It's almost like putting the spreadsheet to one side and just being more connected and present. And through that. The truth emerges. So, uh, that was my initial thought. How about you?

Rebecca: 30:56

I love what Matt saying. Meditation is huge and I, I love what you said, uh, James, about this inner parts of yourselves that, uh, what came to my mind is internal family systems, because that's a therapeutic model that I use a lot. And, and I love what you said about not pushing them away, your inner parts, but actually embracing them and allowing them to be. And so an example to your question is called showers. And I actually love cold showers and I do it particularly when I feel very anxious and I want to not do certain things. Uh, like for example, when I started to do my in-person events, uh, a few years ago, I didn't want to go to my in-person event when it came today because I was anxious. No, it's gonna like me reject. And so I started to do the cold showers at that point because there was an inner part of myself that wanted to run away. And instead of pushing them and telling myself, oh, I should not want to run away, I would give it a place, allow it, let it stay with me and still do it. So the culture shower was my, uh, adult self or my wife's adult, me parenting that, uh, younger part of myself that got used to run away, to survive in the past. And now I'm saying, Hey, I'm here. I hear you. I see you, and I'm taking over sit. I'm going to run this event. So I'm gonna have this cold shower to recondition my nervous system from wanting to run away to choosing the discomfort because it is good for me. He will become comfortable at some point and he has become so, I'm so happy I didn't give up to my personal events. So I love that the inner parts, yes, embracing them

James: 32:56

told sha as well. I think that would be ideal for me now.'cause I know that the way that my body kind of, um, processes nervousness is through sweating. And so there's this idea, even though I've done this about a hundred times, my, there's a part of me that still feels nervous. And it's about acknowledging that part and almost bringing that part out and allowing that part to be seen. And then, so like a cold shower now would be absolutely great.

33:33

You're mentioning,

James: 33:34

Inner child. So I am a very big advocate on inner child healing and the importance of having, um, a conversation, whether it's a conversation or a dialogue with the inner child. How do you work with your inner child and what is it that you specifically do? And

Rebecca: 33:58

Yes. Uh, so it's all about, like we said, embracing and allowing. It's all about making them right, about telling them, Hey, you done an excellent job. You've done an excellent job, and now I'm taking over. Because all our inner, uh, parts of ourselves, the, the part that was fighting, the part that was withdrawing, the part that was, um, people pleasing, the part that was super self-focused on just me, me, me, me consciousness, and I don't care anybody else. And people call me selfish, but hey, I don't care. Uh, because I, I'm the best. All these inner parts of ourselves, uh, are lovable and they actually are the parts that have brought us here. We made it, we survived. So now we can actually take care of them. So we can actually step up with better strategies. And this is where coaching, uh, takes place. We can give people strategies and tools to show up in a more, um, efficient way and more successful way. Effective way. But also there's our, uh, our Bondi child, and maybe this is the one you are actually talking about as well. The Bundi child is, or the Bundi children is all those different parts, uh, of ourselves. Youngest selves, my three years old, that got rejected when I wanted a hug from my mom, but she was, uh, busy cooking an omelet. And I felt rejected or my 13 years old re and that, uh, was at school and actually felt rejected by the children because they didn't want to choose me to do some job at school or my 32 years old, uh, wound self that actually felt betrayed when my ex-husband was cheating on me with another lady. And then I felt not good enough. And so all these different younger selves of us, these are our bundi children. And, and then what happens is that we became very creative, uh, to protect these wounds, these wounded children. And then the adaptive children were born, the fighter, the re, the withdrawal. And so now we can do even better and protect. Protect and take care and nurture, uh, all those different parts of ourselves as an adult and as an adult with good coaching, uh, tools, strategies, uh, uh, different beliefs, covering the beliefs and the things that, that are not working for us anymore. And we need to review a few things and all. And most importantly, James remembering is healing, uh, to, to create healing. I believe as a therapist we need to remember, uh, the past, but sometimes we don't because we can't remember with our mind, but our body remembers. The body keeps score and that comes up. Those, uh, buried memories, repressed emotions come up in therapy and, and remembering them and giving them a place and seeing them and honoring them. That can be enough many times. But then sometimes maybe we also need to bring some new beliefs, empowering beliefs. Um, yeah, and, and secrets that we don't know, so we can actually honor those feelings that hurt. And that's why we don't want to feel them. And that's why some people drink alcohol to numb the pain or they exit. Like, I used to live in my ex partners because I didn't want to feel rejected. So before you leave me, I leave. Thank you very much. And that kind of thing.

James: 37:43

Yeah. I think, uh, alcohol's, um, a big one. I've, I choose now not to drink. I don't mind drinking, but I choose not to because I know how it makes me feel. Um, but I idea with the, when I had alcohol, I would basically, with anger when I drink, the anger would come out. So I've had to find healthy ways to express anger. Matt, how do you, with your inner child.

Matt: 38:16

It's a great question. Yeah. In a number of different ways, really. Uh, I think it is really I important to like, make sure day to day that we've got the self-awareness of like, which part of us is really showing up in the moment. And that's where things like not drinking can be really, really helpful. Because even with the best of intentions, if we're not really aware of what we're doing, let, let's say if I get drunk, then who knows which part of me is gonna show up? Good luck. You know, it's just really, and whereas, you know, when I'm more aware and more present, then I can be more, yeah, more, more intentional about which part of me is showing up. And what I find is it doesn't completely avoid getting it wrong. Sometimes I can still be, you know, overly passive or overly accommodating. All these different aspects can come out. Um, but what I do now is I tend to pick it up much more quickly. So that's where, you know, awareness really comes in and, and compassion as well. I love what Rebecca said. You know, all those patterns that we've got from the past, they're not because we're bad people, they're just the things that we've learned over the years to cope. Mm-hmm. Whether it is getting angry and losing my patience or, you know, whichever pattern it is, it's not, it's not'cause I'm intrinsically that sort of person. It's just that that's how I've learned to cope. And then the question really is whether I'm okay to keep doing that. You know, is my, is my life gonna be served by just keeping doing that stuff? Or do I want to evolve myself and be more of a grownup more of the time? And if I do, then I've got an opportunity.

James: 39:50

Yeah. Being a grow up, being a grow grown up is overrated. I think now your inner child to kind of come out and have fun and adventures and all kinds of different things, I think is a great way to live. Um, so for my own inner child, he, it's, it's, so for, for me, it's different.'cause for, for me, I. I can see internally, but I can also hear, so I've got this kind of great relationship with my own inner child. And again, sometimes it's becoming conscious, aware enough of who's showing up because you can, I, I know from my own patterns I can slip into unconscious mode quite easily, but then something would trigger me, which would then, okay, I need to become conscious again. And it's, at that point I might have said, done something which has upset the inner child. So then it's coming back to the inner child and then figuring out what exactly does he need. I call him, uh, Jimmy. Um, so what, what exactly does he need? And'cause quite often all he needs is just some love loving attention, and he's happy as Larry. Yeah.

Rebecca: 41:10

I, I, I love, can I say I love, I love what you said, James, Jimmy. Little Jimmy needs attention. Little needs to feel seen. In the, in our arms, literally, if you could picture this, uh, our, our wise adult, our adult self, us as adults, we need resources. We need strategies not to cope, but because we don't want to survive anymore, we want to thrive. So we want, uh, to, to attend our, our little gym. Uh, but we need resources to do that. In the past, we did the best we could without, uh, adaptive children, you know, our coping mechanisms, however you want to call it. Uh, drinking, uh, becoming a rebel, fighting, uh, withdrawing. Uh, but little Jimmy wants to feel seen. The little Jimmy doesn't want to to hide. Little Jimmy wants to be there and, and, and not to, and that we don't feel ashamed, uh, of him. Little Jimmy like, oh, I should not feel like, like this. When we say to ourselves things like, I should not be feeling this way, what we're doing literally is neglecting little Jimmy. It is like, Jimmy Hideaway don't come up. No one needs to see you. But just that's what we do to little Jimmy when we say to ourselves, Hey, I should not feel this way. I should not need this. I have too many needs, or I should not be this way. I am too loud that, that's little Jimmy crying. We need to allow and embrace, uh, and compassion. These three words are key. Allow ourselves to feel the way we feel. It's okay to feel this way. Uh, allow ourselves to, to have the needs that we need. We have, it's okay. This is us. Yes, be authentic and, and, and real. And if we are different sometimes. So we are different. We need to make a, a difference in the world. We cannot just all fitting in the same, uh, um, you know, hurt because it just, we, we need to bring a change to the world. So little GB wants to be seen, feel, heard, feel held, and safe. And, and the rest, if that happens, we're gonna be okay. But for as long as we neglect little Jimmy, get ready because chaos is knocking at your door.

James: 43:38

Just quickly, I know. Women are a lot more open to this kind of stuff, and they, they're a lot more, I think generally they're a lot more intuitive because they've got, they're more connected to their bodies and their own emotions. Now for the, obviously the podcast I'm run in, there's a lot of men listening and so what would you say to the men out there who perhaps are a little bit like, Hmm, I don't kind of believe this, or kind of are a bit stuck with regards to the inner child healing. What would you say to them? Should I go

Matt: 44:14

on?

Rebecca: 44:15

Oh, I can go as well. Yeah.

Matt: 44:16

Yeah. I would say, um, well, I'd say firstly, I mean, only. I only work on something if it's important to you, you know, so if you're listening, thinking, you know, my life's great. I've got an amazing relationship, I've connect great with my kids, you know, I'm happy, I'm engaged, I'm having a lot of fun. So if everything's working, then you'd maybe don to engage with anything. Who's to say people need to engage with their, any child or anything else? Um, the question is, if you're blocked, are you having struggles? Then could an ability to connect better with your emotion be a key to help you unlock some of those problems? Could that be a, a, a part of the answer here? And if you think it is, then well, you could just sit and hope for the best and maybe someone gonna change by a miracle, or you can do some work and you can probably guess, by the way, I, I stated that what I'm suggesting. You know, if you, if you, if it is something important, then you need to get some help and unpack some of those things. And just remember there are lots and lots of men doing that kind of work. You may not be one of them, but that's okay. That doesn't mean you can't become one of them. It's gotta be important to you. So I would just invite men to consider, you know, would your relationship or would your life be better served by being more connected to your emotion, being able to express yourself more clearly, like from the heart and connect with your partner. And if you feel that that would be good for your relationship, then maybe you need to do something about it.

Rebecca: 45:43

I love that. Uh, I, I would say j uh, J James, uh, uh, for those guys listening to this podcast, if you want to be a real man, you need to start feeling. Because a real man feels it's a human and, and humans have emotions. Humans are emotional beings. And, and I've seen a lot of guys, uh, dating and dating and dating and having sex after having sex, and they still don't feel alive. They don't feel they don't have enough. And why? Because they're trying to feel alive to by, by having sex. But actually, the, the, the only way they're gonna make themselves feel alive is by. Connecting emotionally with other people. And the reason why they don't connect emotionally with other people is because in the first place, they're not connected to themselves, they're disconnected. Uh, and when we feel our body is giving us such a critical information about whatever we need to do differently, start doing, stop doing, do differently, uh, and, and we are not listening to the message because we are disconnected with frozen, we no feeling. And why does that happen? Because, you know, for many men, when they are born, they, they just teach them that, don't cry. Uh, be strong, be a man, da, da da. And then emotional connection doesn't happen in relationships, but not just with the partner, with, uh, children. Uh, even customers, you know, at work, they disconnected and they need to give themselves permission to feel, to cry, to be genuine, to be authentic, uh, to be real. Uh, otherwise they'd like, uh, ai, uh, ma robots dressed up in human flicks. Hmm.

Matt: 47:27

I, I just want to add as well, James, a bit about addiction. If I may, you know, there's a lot of people where, you know, we, we sort of pick up bad habits and then it becomes a bit of a cycle. Let's just say porn as an example, but it could be any sort of drugs or, and you know what this, there's like research around this that says like, the reason people get into that stuff is because they don't have a sort of a rich and varied and high quality emotional life. You know, what they have is what they have is a situation that isn't fulfilling. I was reading this research about rats in a cage, and they put these rats in isolation and give them an opportunity to get addicted to something. Guess what they do? They get addicted. Whereas when they put the same rats into what they call Rat Park, where there's like lots of fun stuff to do and lots of other cool rats to interact with, they're not interested in, in the addictive substances. They just, they meet their needs in other ways. So yeah, if that resonates, then it may, it may come out in that way as well when we're not fully connecting properly with the world around us.

Rebecca: 48:31

I love it. Exactly. Yeah, I was also thinking James, about, emotional capacity, which is so important in relationships. But I said, as I said with everybody, everybody not just part intimate relationships, emotional capacity, the ability to give love, feeling, love to, to share your feelings, express your feelings, but also the ability of receiving it by receiving it with empathy. And, and, and that's, that's key. And it's not gonna happen if we are suppressing our feelings because we are telling ourselves that we should not feel because we should not share these feelings because it's not manly. What is, man, maybe we need to re redefine what man is. And woman, I can tell you James woman, absolutely freaking love a vulnerable man. A man who is able to share their feelings, is powerful. It's unique. It is not abandoned. That's a gem. And, and, and it is also very nice to, for the children of vulnerable men who embrace their emotions,, for, so then, so they can have a role model, a, a healthy role model of the healthy masculinity.

49:53

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