Man: A Quest to Find Meaning

Returning to the Self: Silence, Nature, and Emotional Recovery | Selwyn Warren

• James Ainsworth • Episode 53

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In this powerful and emotionally rich episode of Man: A Quest to Find Meaning, I sit down with therapist Selwyn Duke for an open, vulnerable conversation about what happens when life breaks us open—and how those moments become the catalyst for deep healing.

We explore how depression, breakups, addiction, and anxiety often act as wake-up calls, forcing us to ask the questions we’ve been avoiding: Who am I, really? What do I need to heal? For both Selwyn and me, it was personal pain—emotional breakdowns and grief—that sparked our journeys of self-inquiry.

Selwyn shares how his work with sexuality, addiction, trauma, and grief has shaped him as a man, and how true healing doesn’t come from fixing—but from presence, awareness, and being seen. We talk about repressed anger, the pressure of family expectations, ancestral grief, and the subtle shame men carry when they step off the expected path.

You’ll hear insights on:

  • How unprocessed grief and trauma live in the body
  • The difference between healthy and unhealthy anger
  • How to explore your sexuality without shame
  • Why silence and nature are essential for reconnection
  • The healing power of community and honest conversation

Whether you're navigating a breakup, struggling with your emotions, or searching for a deeper connection to yourself—this episode will speak to your heart and your body.


About Selwyn:

My name is Selwyn Warren and I'm an Integrative Humanistic Therapist.


I have always been interested in the way we tick and how we can have a tendency to lose ourselves.Why do people who could be enjoying happy, healthy lives hide away, get sick, addicted or suicidal or just plain discontent.  Why do we find it difficult to share our emotions or relate?  


My own life has been a personal journey into finding the answers to some of these questions. It has taken me to some very dark places and also some amazing ones, meeting some incredible people on the way. I have jumped into training in yoga, shiatsu and counselling and worked in intimacy, sexuality and addiction, as well as teaching different disciplines to groups and on a one-to -one basis. 


I have also undertaken many years of my own personal therapy and 12 step work as well exploring mindfulness, spirituality and menswork. There is nothing better for developing the self than time on the planet and learning from failures and successes. I have had to adapt to life's challenges from business failure,near bankruptcy, depression, relationship breakdowns, and losing friends and loved ones along the way to getting closer to finding my authentic self. So this is the root of my work. 


My professional training has run alongside my lived experience and I hope this will help you grow, look at life from a new perspective and ultimately become more content. 


I have witnessed people develop and change their lives through committing to therapy and this has often rippled out to those around them, creating better relationship and family dynamics. I welcome those from different backgrounds of gender,race,sexuality or neurodiversity and seek to treat everyone as an individual in their own right, curious to their own unique experience. You may feel challenged at times but always listened to and heard. 

In this week's episode, we talked about the catalyst for self-inquiry, whether through breakups, illness, depression, or anxiety. They all led to a deeper understanding of oneself and deep healing. We had an emotional chat about grief and how it isn't just about death. It includes lost dreams, family expectations, ancestral pains and identity. We talked about how repressed anger can lead to unhealthy outbursts or addictions, and how healthy anger can be a powerful force for clarity, drive, and purpose, and so much more. Welcome to Man: A Quest to Find Meaning, where we help men navigate modern life, find their true purpose, and redefine manhood. I'm your host, James, and each week, inspiring guests share their journeys of overcoming fear Embracing vulnerability and finding success. From experts to everyday heroes. Get practical advice and powerful insights. Struggling with career, relationships or personal growth? We've got you covered. Join us on Man Quest to Find Meaning. Now, let's dive in.

James:

Hello, my name is James. I'm the host of Man Efy Meaning, and today I'm my guest, Selwyn. How are you? Selwyn?

Selwyn:

I'm good. Thanks James. Yeah. Enjoying the summer. I.

James:

Let's start off. Tell me about yourself.

Selwyn (2):

That's a long story. I am I live down in the southeast of England and I am a therapist who has in the past worked with sexuality. And tantra and now I am working, also working with addiction and trauma and grief and that is the main focus of my work at the moment.

James:

So what got you onto this path?'cause I we all have our stories, but what was it, what was the catalyst that actually got you onto the path of self-discovery, self-development.

Selwyn (2):

I think it's always been something for me. I've always knew, known there was something more out there and it was always a calling for me to look at my own life. But as I work through my own life, I realized that my. How should we say, my own trauma and my own background was in a sense creating a few a reality for me in the present. And I realized that I. I needed to look at what was going on in my present life and also my past traumas. What really brought me in was my own depression and anxiety. That's what really brought me into serious inquiry. But having said that, I have always looked at I knew deep down in my soul that I wanted to look at yoga and spirituality. I studied Shi Hadi Massage for a few years, which is a, an amazing tool. And taught me a lot about myself. But deep down I knew that self-inquiry was what I wanted to do.

James:

Yeah, it's, I think self-inquiry has been quite a key thing for me for the past 20 years, not really knowing where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. There was always this idea of, initially there was this idea of confusion and the lack of clarity and, but then it took me, actually took me a breakup to really kickstart the whole process of self-inquiry and I suppose the main. The main reason for the self-inquiry was because initially I wanted to get back with this same person, and I wanted to build my confidence and self-esteem. And so I looked, I turned the inquiry onto myself and decided to delve a bit deeper. What, why is this happening to me? How can I take the steps myself because nobody's coming to save me. I've gotta save myself, so who's gonna come and save me? And it's idea that, how can I. Become a bit more curious about what's going on.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah I completely agree. And there was some reason why I was always interested in going to therapy and working on my life, but it wasn't till I started scraping the surface of that and had more and more events are happening. That I realized that there was a deeper stage each time, if that makes sense. Those layers of the onion, they are really, it's an old adage, isn't it? The they're peeling away the layers. But that is so true in my experience.

James:

I remember very clearly like it was yesterday, first three days after the breakup, I remember ringing this lady who did psychic readings. I had booked, I booked an appointment and I had spoke to her on the phone and I remember so clearly that she said to me I could do what she was doing. And that was the, that for me was the start of my. I suppose it was the start of my spiritual path of delving deeper into spiritual healing and reiki, and then moving from that to more deeper yeah, deeper, darker avenues, but also good avenues.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah. Yeah. I think, for me it was, getting sick really. When I was at university, I was in a real mess actually. I was probably drinking too much and I was, I. I had real, like glandular fever and a chest. I was in a right state and it, it was, then I knew that I had to start looking at my life. But, the way I was I didn't know which way to turn basically. And I, I didn't really know which way to go with it. So it's been a lifelong work, I have to say, and a lot of trial and error, which essentially has brought me back to myself, it's brought me back to my own core. Do you know what I mean? It's it's brought me back to who I really am, which is I think is the essence of recovery.

James:

I also think it's, it comes back when the biggest, I wouldn't say issues, but the biggest challenges we have are quite often the things that we go and teach others how to overcome, I think. And the big level.

Selwyn:

Could you say a bit more about that, sorry, therapist question, but could you say a bit more about,

James:

going through the whole breakup and coming out of it, feeling in a good place. Now I've come to a ki last couple of days I've been putting together like a eight week. Program, which could help people to kickstart themselves with regards to gaining a bit more clarity, a bit more understanding, especially after breakups. So of going through five breakups myself, I've come to realize that what I do might be different to other people. Do. It can be there as guidance, as assistance to give people the steps, the ability to understand that they're not alone, what they're going through. Because quite often when you come out of a something horrendous, you think you are alone. And it's, and I think one of the key things is knowing that you are not alone and other people have been through similar, not the same. And perhaps what they're going through or what they've gone through can help you. And so it seems to me over the last 10 years, this full circle has just allowed me to put together things to help other people in that same similar situation. I.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's true. And it is it's classic wounded healer stuff, isn't it? You take what has happened to you in the past, I know all my research on trauma and addiction has come from my own stuff. It's stuff I resonate with. That's what I, and same with relationship breakup, all those. Difficulties in life are essentially gems that take you through to actually being, once they're worked with, you can become a teacher. You can hold space for people and you can resonate with people. And I think I. There's a, there's real appreciation for that. And of course doing service is an amazing thing as well.

James:

Yeah, definitely. So what got you into the sexual side of things, the sexual, the tantra, because obviously it's taken me quite a long, took it's taken me eight to nine years to start to step into that kind of stuff, and I'm most interested to know what was it that got you into it?

Selwyn (2):

I guess it was like always knowing there was something more with sexuality and there was, I had studied yoga I'd done a yoga teacher training course for three, three years. Dan and Devon an excellent course, sorry, two years. It was an excellent course and I just wanted to take things a little bit, step further. But the other side of that, the shadow side of that was that. I was also looking at my own sexuality. And I wanted to make things more interesting and exciting and also I. I have to say, looking back, there was a sense of addiction in it. There was a sense of, yeah, I really need this high. There was a lot of getting high. There was a lot of, of that as well. I was holding this kind of strange space really, of this sacred sexuality call it what you will. Obviously a lot of tantra isn't about sex. Most of tantra isn't about the sexual practice at all. But in the new Tantra, a lot of it is, and I was in these spaces where. Think that was held, but also I was also considering that my, yeah I think things that, that I needed to check out my own attitude towards sex and sexuality, basically, I.

James:

Yeah, because my, I feel like sexuality, when it's mentioned in public is almost a taboo subject with the majority of people. And I think it's this, it's not very, it's not talked about enough sexuality, sex in a healthy way, and I feel as though this can. Almost create this kind of box around sexuality and people don't really enjoy, don't really want to explore because sometimes there's a fear of what might actually happen. And for me, it's a very youngish age. There was always, I wasn't, because I wasn't taught or didn't really understand it, there was this idea of confusion around sexuality. And what it really is. So what's your definition of sexuality and what's your how would people who don't really explore sexuality very much start to step into it a bit deeper?

Selwyn (2):

I think the sexuality work that I did was known as sacred work, basically. So there is more about embodiment, there is more about being in. In the body and actually being able to look at what is going on for oneself personally. We have a very limited notion of sex at the moment especially with prevalence of porn of the sort of now culture wanting everything now, and I think. That. I think sex, I think sexuality in itself, good sexuality in a sense needs teaching. I think we need to we need to abandon all this shame around sex. Sure. But equally, we don't want to take it to the other side. Which I mean porn and stuff that is just abusive at the end of the day. A lot of it is abuse at the end of the day. It's abuse of the self and abuse of the other person. So I think knowing one's self sexually, one's own sexual power, one's own sexual dynamics when its own sexual needs is essential. Without taking it to the other extreme.

James:

How can men start to step into their own sexuality?

Selwyn (2):

How can men step into their own sexual start sexuality? I think, the first thing I think guys need to do is get together and talk. I've just come off a tantra training with Gayatri Vegan and we've done a men's group and we were able to talk openly about our sexuality, which is a big thing to share Vulnerably. To actually express with honesty. And at the end of the day, guys need to just know themselves really. So it's in their own work. And a lot of this is nothing to do with sex. A lot of this is knowing yourself, knowing what, where you, where your faults and foibles are, knowing your traumas and being able to express vulnerability.

James:

That's deep.'cause I think knowing. Knowing yourself. I feel it's a ongoing quest. It's a quest of a lifetime. I think Knowing yourself, and I think there's where can people,'cause say for example, somebody listening who has never been on this journey of any self-discovery or as a little bit, how would you suggest they start to step into themselves a little bit more,

Selwyn (2):

do you think? Are you talking sexually or just talking in a normal, just

James:

generally. Just generally.

Selwyn (2):

Generally I'd say find a men's sharing space. There's plenty online share with other guys. Share your experience with other men. And if you don't want to just speak with other men join join a, a sharing. So I do 12 step work, which is fabulous. And you can hear what people share their vulnerabilities, share what's going on for them. But there are plenty of sharing circles in whatever field.

Selwyn:

And also, obviously as a therapist, I'm a big fan of therapy.

Selwyn (2):

I'm a big fan of talking through your stuff, and finding a decent therapist. Finding a decent therapist is not in itself, but finding someone who you can work with to explore what's going on for you Is essential, really. But hey, you don't have to spend thousands of pounds on this finding deep, there's plenty of stuff out there.

James:

Yeah, there's as I've done the Mankin project.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah,

James:

The Warrior training done a few of the groups. It's quite, obviously there's unmasked men out there as well.

Selwyn (2):

There's band of brothers most places have, there are men's circles now,

yeah.

Selwyn (2):

And if you're not into just sharing with men, share and listen to women's experiences sharing, listen to like non-binary experiences, there's so many, there's since lockdown, there is so much stuff out there. Good stuff that, that is just. There. And then also you have things like, there are meditation circles, and that's a great way to, there's a place in down in Devon that, that sharpen that, that does a meditation circle every couple of weeks online. Just things that you can start tapping into.

James:

You mentioned earlier about grief and how you help people to deal with grief. Now, griefs such a big subject and it's something that I feel, especially men. I feel sometimes grief has quite a bad reputation and it almost becomes quite a scary word because again, as a, from my own experience with grief can be quite a big, terrifying emotion to deal with. So those men who are perhaps all women who are out there who are struggling with grief but don't know where to get started, what would you suggest?

Selwyn (2):

I would suggest doing, for me, the importance of grief work is huge. A lot of this stuff, a lot of stuff that's going on in the planet is unprocessed grief, and there's so much we can learn from processing our grief, and in this culture, in the British culture or the Western Hemisphere culture, whatever. It's like, it's it's not really done. It's not the done thing. And there are places that. Work with grief. There are, it's becoming more prevalent now. There are places online that can be found. I think there's one in Devon, which is again, in Devon. Excellent work, which I've been recommended. Again, guy Tree, who I. Guy be who I've worked with, has she does amazing grief work and there are plenty people around who, who do this work. And it is phenomenal. And it's not just about a relative or a friend passing, we have grief around the planet. We have grief around our lives that we didn't have. Yeah. Lack of family, that sort of thing. Anything like that is it needs looking at and processing for us to experience our joy in the now. Really?

James:

So if you have a client come to you who's got a lot of un a lot of suppressed grief how do you work with these people,

Selwyn (2):

In my experience what we are missing as humans is just being held in space and being heard. So a lot of the work I do is really listening and mirroring and just sitting there in essentially holding, not physically, but emotionally holding someone. And then. Once that grief is allowed, once that trust is built up with a client, and it's allowed to happen, there may be tears, there may be not. There may be anger, there may be shame. Once that's allowed to happen, then we can move through it. This, it is not a quick process. Sometimes it is, but generally, this isn't. For someone to surrender and to trust it's a big deal. It's a big deal.

James:

Exciting. I've with going through five breakups, I know that there's I feel like over the last seven, eight years, I've processed a lot of the grief. But it's taken me a long time. And as you said, it's not a quick process. It takes time, it takes so give you a pure example. My first breakup, which I mentioned, put me on this path, it took me two and a half years to even consider going into another relationship because end of the day I didn't wanna take. What I had from that relationship, all the traumas probably should probably come from childhood as well onto the next relationship. And so it was this period of two and a half years where I was doing the work and as part of the work was to try and sit with grief. But sitting with grief can be, it can be terrifying. It can because. I'm one of those people that I find it quite hard to cry because it's almost being ingrained into me not to cry. And so being able to deal with grief doesn't always rely for from my own perspective, doesn't always rely on crying. It could be just feeling that sensation in the body like you said, embodiment work and it just. Feeling of going into this, it could be painful.'cause some, quite often this, where it's griefs been, it's quite painful and it's, it can be quite a nasty pain inside your body, but then it's almost feeling into that pain.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah. Yeah I would totally agree. And it's, and sematic work is amazing. And I would suggest that often that pain isn't just related to a relationship that you've had. It's often pain that goes back. It can, in my opinion, it can go back generations, but certainly it does go back into childhood. These are past traumas. This is stuff we've held onto for a long time.

James:

Yeah, I was chat, I was chatting to the cleaner yesterday. And we were talking about grief. And she was talking about some of her client, other clients, they are feeling grief from their grandparents, or, and I was, I piped up what you just said, that perhaps they could be feeling what their parents and their parents two, 300 years down the line felt. Because I. We've got a long line of farmers. So farmers have always had, have always been in that place of keeping their own emotions to themselves, to the men especially, and not talking about these emotions because it's this idea that, I think it's men especially a hundred years ago, men shouldn't express their emotions. They should be up straight, and they should be proud and they should be happy with what they have. And I feel like even now,'cause I'm trying to pull away from the farm so I can build my own business. Even now I still feel shame, grief, and guilt because I'm leaving. I have this feeling that I am, I'm the oldest I should be taking over the farm, even though my brother's taken over the farm. And I know that and that's fine because I have my own stuff. But it's this idea that. There's still this astigmatism, which is there, which is inside my body, and it's telling me I should be doing this, I should be running the farm. And there's still a lot of suppress a suppressed emotion around that. And it's almost, I almost feel like that's what's holding me still. So I can't quite get away.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah. Yeah. And as the eldest, you have that, you are the eldest. Yeah. You have that responsibility and yeah, classic, you think the nature of the land and holding the land and all that. Yeah, I have farmers in my family too, and yeah. That amazing work they do and the relationship with the land, which is just, I think it's phenomenal. Yeah it is. And the other side is the holding emotion and holding everything together. Yeah, I totally get that.

James:

And it's just trying to, it's trying to break free. It's just, it has'cause. Even, and even now I know that my, my path's not on the farm, my path's elsewhere, because whenever I'm actually on the farm, it's a sense of I just get drained. I just feel completely drained. My energy's gone. I feel completely low. And so that's, to me, that's a clear indication that this no longer works. I'm no longer in alignment with it. But it's still, there's still, it's a few can, it's still pot. So if there's people who are perhaps in that same situation, but not perhaps farmers, it could be any, anything. How would you suggest that people start to break away?

Selwyn (2):

It's really tough, isn't it? Especially with something like farming, which is so generational and and I think I. The worst thing is doing something that you are not aligned with, and I think breaking away again does come from, grief, that you are the person in line who was gonna take you. Are I, it sounds like you're an incredible, in an incredible situation because the farm is kept going, but there are so many people who've broken away from that. And the farms have dissolved or been taken or over by larger farms. This is just an example, farming, but it happens in other professions as well. It's it's, I think it's doing, there is a certain amount of grief work to be done about taking a step into your own self. To take a step into what aligns with you, because ultimately you are leaving that behind, you are leaving this thing that's held the family together essentially to step into your own power and the inevitability of it, yeah I'd say again, we go back to working with the grief. We go about, working with our emotions and our vulnerability and as guys, I think that's the base level.

James:

So how, in regards to dealing with emotions, how can men get started dealing with

Selwyn (2):

emotions?

James:

Yeah. Dealing emotions. Yeah.

Selwyn (2):

Again, I think it, it, for me, it's been recognizing my own emotions, just recognizing what's going on and it's saying that it's okay. So I was okay to get angry, angry anger, for example, was like something, oh, I couldn't have. What did I do? I pulled it all up and then was a rage hanock, it's got really fucking angry. Do you know what I mean? And it's just just everything that was held inside wasn't allowed to be angry. Therefore it was like a, I was like a, exploding kettle, whatever. And sadness, tears. I think a lot of guys, do say that tears, I think there's a lot placed on men crying. I think that is probably over placed in a sense. But it's okay. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel vulnerable. It's okay to feel lonely, and it's okay to feel depressed. Men are walking around with this huge. Huge weight of shame, you know about being men a lot of the time. And any kind of man that's starting to touch on this work is carrying, also carrying the shame about what's happened to the women and the patriarchy. So they've either gone one or two ways, they've either gone into this whole like bubble of like entitled man sort of thing, or they've gone into this. Like soft, gentle, new age man, and neither are particularly, I don't, I personally believe that neither are particularly helpful, really because one is essentially fawning and people pleasing, and the other is just being a walking ball of anger and aggression, which isn't gonna help the planet at all.

James:

I can relate to the anger because I, when I would suppress, I suppose I was the nice guy for years, so when I had anything to do with anger, I would suppress it. But then as soon as I had a drink I no longer could suppress the anger and it would come out in whatever way it wanted to come out, whether it was fighting, whether it was getting aggressive, whether it was rage, whatever it was. And I have to realize that it's just the unhealthy way of dealing with anger. It's not, I don't like using the word good or bad anymore because you're just putting into labels. It's more, I feel, it's it. They're unhealthy. I think with learning that I've able to utilize anger through CrossFit, through what other waves I'd use anger, shouting into a pillar. Whatever, whatever felt right in that moment, whatever felt right in that moment. It could even be just that, just allowing myself to feel that anger within that body part, whether it was in my chest or whether it was in my abdomen, wherever it was. And yeah, I feel as though anger's the one that you see a lot in men, and I think it's a common thing that I feel like there are, there's so many different ways that you can. Deal with it healthily. But I suppose it comes down to our own traumas as well. So if we have certain traumas where we weren't it's an example. Perhaps we were never loved and never showing appreciation, but we always craved that there was perhaps, it was never really shown to us how we can actually deal with stuff and that comes out in other situations. I.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah. Yes I'd agree with that. And of course, in, in some societies we would have circle or like a village where we could actually. Talk about our anger, talk about why we are pissed off, without being shamed. And I think yeah, I think it just, it's there. It's an emotion and I think it's a healthy emotion if it is utilized, if it's there, and we use anger for our drive. We use anger to, to get into our masculinity, to get things done and to do our process work. And find out what that resolve is. I think it's a healthy emotion.

James:

Yeah. I think it's, it gets a bit of a bad reputation, anger. Because as you said, it's, it can be unhealthy. If utilized in an unhealthy way, but at the same time, anger can be utilized as passion. It can be utilized as the energy to push us to do something which is health, which like our purpose, that kind of stuff. But yeah, it how, what kind of embodied embodiment would you suggest that people can start to do with regards to dealing with emotions?

Selwyn (2):

I think, do you know, I, I'm very, how can I put it? I'm very I. For trying to, so with a client, for example a client who hasn't done much therapy, just finding, seeing if the client notices where the emotion is and what the emotion is, but where in the body they feel it. Because often if you check in and you slow things down and you slow down with your body and the breathing as well. You can actually notice where this is happening where your emotion is what you're feeling it in, what part of your body. If you look at trauma, trauma has affected the body. Trauma affects the body in everyone who's experienced it. You have a lot of issues later in life, which were related to your childhood trauma. I believe that just finding it in your body. Finding that emotion in your body is a good way to start. And then the second thing is to express it without shame. Yeah. To express it to a therapist, to express it to a good mate. I'm not talking about expressing it after a couple of points down the pub or at the football. I'm exp I'm talking about expressing it. Although there's, there is a lot of emotion expressed at football, but it's like I, I'm talking about expressing it to a friend, a confidant to say, look, I'm feeling this way. The other side of things, is. If you're a heterosexual man is to express it to a woman. And that is a different, someone was sharing with me the other day how they were being vulnerable with their partner. Just being able to be vulnerable around a woman or their partner or a close friend and confident. And that is is also a. It's a different, it's a huge thing for a guy to do, I think. So all those things together. Yeah. And we make, and we turn it into a practice,

James:

yeah.

Selwyn (2):

Noticing it for yourself. Noticing when you wake up in the morning, when you're out walking, whatever you do. When you're walking around town, when you're in the office, just noticing how you're feeling, checking in.

James:

It's a good thing to do. And the first thing in the morning, I'm probably first thing in the morning, lunchtime and probably just before bed. Yeah. Three key points. And I suppose it can be as simple as asking yourself, how do I feel a good one? A question I picked up the other day was what's alive in me right now? Yeah. Excellent. And now gives an opportunity just to feel into what's going on. Yeah. You mentioned, hold on, that's a trail of thought. What were we talking and by a minute, I was gonna talk about so one thing in my own life personally is I've always had to drink to go and dance. It's a common thing for men and it's, you can see it in weddings, see it in nightclubs. You can see it's all the women are dancing probably about half nine, 10 o'clock. All the men start to head across probably half 11, 12 now. It was, I think it was about three years ago and New Year's Eve, I went to an anesthetic dance in Nottingham. For the first time. And yes, it was terrifying. It was absolutely terrifying. It was, I was nervous, I was sweating. I was a, it was a lot, but I did it. And literally I got hooked on a static dance. So ever since then, I've been doing it for the last three years. And I find dance. This is me personally. Dance is one of the best ways that I'm able to embody my emotion. And actually able to process the emotion because I feel, I almost feel like I can dance with that emotion depending on what it is. So if you are able, and you haven't got to do it in public, it can be done in your own kitchen or your own living room, and just being able to dance with an emotion is a great thing to do.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah I totally agree. Yeah, a hundred percent on that. I go to a, yeah, yeah I go to a five rhythms up at a place called Forest Road, but 40 minutes up the road from me, and there's a hundred people up there, and it's, I don't like using the word conscious, but it's like a drunk drinking and alcohol free drinking drug free. And, it's just an amazing atmosphere. And also no one really cares how you're dancing, and, I feel really good at the end of it, even if I just really have to force myself to do the drive. I just feel really good to be back in my body. And also that sense of community, and community really is the opposite to addiction, essentially. You've got that sort of. A group of people doing the same thing. And it's, yeah, dance is great, but also, let's not forget, just, yoga, all that good stuff. Anything embodiment wise is wonderful. Being back in the body, is where it's at as far as I'm concerned, is, we gotta take this stuff out of our heads, bring it back into the body.

James:

It could even say the gym. CrossFit.

Yeah.

James:

It's just get jumping yourself into your body. It's just

like

James:

I, I notice myself when I get a little bit angry at certain points. I'll take my anger to CrossFit. Obviously, I'm not gonna hit somebody. But I'm gonna allow myself to to embody that. So when I'm doing heavy weights or I'm running or whatever it is, it's there. I'm conscious of it, it's in the body, and I'm able to feel and neutralize it in a healthy way. So with regards to. Emotions. How can people start to embody their emotions a bit more in regards?'cause we've talked about ways and means in which they can. So like dance, yoga, how do you specifically I. Feel into your emotions when you are perhaps doing things like that, physical stuff.

Selwyn (2):

I think, for me there has had to be a certain, this is my personal experience, but there has to be a certain letting go. And to be able to do that with without shame, and to be able to just hold it and to be in the body. So meditation really helps with this, to be able just to tap into your body is essential really. It just helps so much. And meditation going inside, but also just essentially being able to hold yourself, my other thing is I have to take care of my own nervous system. And there's a fabulous book on C-P-T-S-D. I've got it on the shelf over there. I can never remember the full title of it. And it's like really, it just shows how to look. At your nervous system, how to hold your nervous system, and also not to get overwhelmed. How to really look after yourself. And I think if you've experienced any type of trauma, any sort of stuff that's gone on for you, then I. It's essential, the word self-care is banded around the two words, self-care are banded around quite a lot, but, essentially is, it is looking after yourself. We have a thing in 12 step called home, just hungry, angry, lonely, tired, just don't. Don't act when you're hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Don't make huge decisions. Don't get into an argument with a loved one. Don't you know that sort of thing because your nervous system's just fried and you're not coming from the real you. It's the embodiment. It's bringing it back to you.

Okay.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah. It's that, it's essentially. That seems very basic, but it is taken years for me to learn stuff like that,

James:

so regulating the nervous system is talked about quite a lot, especially when it comes to the emotional side of things and to be able to calm down and relax. Can you talk about some ways in which people can start to do this?

Selwyn (2):

Regulating the nervous system?

James:

Yeah.

Selwyn (2):

There are many ways. Recognizing your own just what I've said. Basically recognizing your own. What's going on for you? Tapping is a huge thing. Emotional freedom, technique, tapping, just being able to go inside and just tap at certain on certain points of the body. I just use the basic. Squeezing fingertips a lot of the time. If I'm sitting in traffic and I'm wound up, that's what I can do. And just being able to tap into the breath. But there is so much, c breathing, yogic breathing, capal, party breathing, fantastic. NLP techniques looking at, into the distance, focusing on points in the distance, which, there is so much, but ultimately is about breathing. Coming back to the breath. Going inside. And being out in nature obviously is a huge one. That is a huge one for me. And I think it is for many people. I do work with clients just walking and talking. And just that in itself, especially if we are living in a place that's just full of concrete, that in itself, just being out in nature is a great one, just to be able to start feeling the body again.

James:

Yeah, nature's my, not my cure, but when I go into nature, just if I've been in my head all day, it's an opportunity just to bring myself into my body. Be able to just become present. Yes. Yeah. Yes. I'm doing so tomorrow I go for five days to Spirit Horse in Mid Wales and I'm doing Sacred Man's Sacred Woman Retreat. And so I'll I don't know what to expect. I have no clue. I know obviously it'll be sacred work to do the masculine and feminine, but I'll be in five days in the middle of nowhere and so just that reset. I'll probably come back a whole completely new man. I.

Selwyn:

That's very that's very strange.'cause I was looking at the exact same retreat. Brilliant.

And

Selwyn:

I, yes,

Selwyn (2):

and I think yeah, up there it's gonna be completely wilderness. Plus there'll be a lot of, you're gonna be living and sharing with men. And it's, yeah, I think it'll be a fabulous retreat. Yeah. Great reset.

James:

Yeah. I looked at, there's no hot showers, which is, I've, I'm fine with that. I've done cold showers before. Yeah. It's it's off, super off-grid because super off power is solar panels. Yeah. Yeah it's just one of them things, and I think I've always considered this perhaps because I think I ga I remember her mentioning that she goes away. I think once a year for five days off grid. Completely.

Selwyn:

Yeah.

James:

And I feel like that almost gets us back to our very core essence, because I feel at the core we are nature.

Selwyn (2):

Yeah. I completely agree. And I think, the problem is we've got so many addictions now. We've got phone addictions and, all that stuff. Actually switching everything off and going inside, there are silent retreats and stuff like that, which I don't know if I would recommend or not, but certainly be being out in nature I think is, I think it's an amazing thing to do. We don't give ourselves enough time.

James:

You mentioned silence. I I don't know what it is about silence, but I just I find it so hard because even, but my way of thinking is actually having headphones in and light music something in the background. But if I've tried and tried doing like. Meditation where I've been sitting and listening to the breath, but it's just almost, it's, I just find it difficult to sit in silence. So this is probably from my own perspective and my own help, how can I start to embrace silence more?

Selwyn (2):

That's a really interesting question.

Yeah.

Selwyn (2):

I suppose my answer was gonna be, shut the fuck up. But it's I use silence in my therapy sessions a lot and I find it very healing. It's it's, For me, I've. Some people find it very easy to go and meditate in a field, and I don't, I find it very difficult. I find it very difficult'cause my mind just got a hundred miles an hour. But I think all this is really is practice, and it doesn't matter if you start at two minutes, two minutes of just silence and going inside. You build it up, you build it up, you build it up, and if you can have 15 minutes of silence a day where you're just. Away from everything, everything switched off and you can build this up. And really all these things are just rewiring the brain and re just getting into a habit, basically. Habit's probably the wrong word, but, just getting into the routine of it, but, we don't have to be doing grand gestures. You can be out walking in the country, and find silence. I know where you are. You've got amazing country. You could just be out walking, you don't have to be light on a Scottish hillside or a Welsh hillside. It's you can be doing this just anywhere, really.

James:

Do you know Graham and Waterfield? I don't, no. So Gray is, he is good friends of Gare and a few others, and IE. Very big on sexual mastery. And I did this course recently and he said we were doing this chakra meditation and at the end of that we're gonna do 15 minutes of silence. And I was thinking to myself, how the hell am I gonna do 50 minutes of silence? But I always remember very clearly'cause he put us our focus into our danien. Which is the sacred chakra, and he mentioned that. Put your focus in there. Don't try and don't try to force yourself. Just have awareness. On that spot. Yeah. And literally 50 minutes just went like that because I've moved my attention from trying to force myself or trying to focus on it. And I just. Focused on the awareness. Rather than, yeah. Just, oh, I've got using my mind. So almost, I suppose it's a sense of dropping into my body rather than into my head.

Selwyn:

I think the mind is gonna go off and wander. That's its job, essentially.

Selwyn (2):

Just notice it, I think the Buddhist would say, just notice. Notice your mind going off, and then just bring it back. It's like I say this thing about grand gestures and sitting there for hours on end. Nah, not really. Not in this culture.

James:

There's too much G. It's too much going on. Too much distractions. Too many of here. I've gotta be doing it now

Selwyn:

world. It's the world we've created, isn't

Selwyn (2):

it? It is. The world created out of this pursuit of happiness almost. I suppose this pursuit of contentment, which has just gone totally awry. But for me, the most time, the times I've been content are the times of when I've found my spiritual path or when I've been silent, like walking on the west coast of Ireland with nothing around me. Being down on a Cornish beach on my own. Those sort of times when there's nothing else around. That's been my, my I guess my most complete times, even though I've had nothing, and trying to allow myself to do that is a real struggle I have to say still,

James:

yeah. I can understand that. I say, yeah. Thank you very much. And can we just finish it off by telling us a little bit about what you do and how people can get in contact?

Selwyn (2):

Yeah. Yeah, thank you James. It's been really good talking. My therapy practice is actually based in Brighton and Hove at the moment. And I will be starting work again in August and I also work online. My website, which has just been renewed is www.vitalintimacy.com and I'm just renewing that at the moment as we're speaking. And I can be contacted on Facebook as well. If anyone wants to join me on Facebook my my profile is up there if anyone wants to get in touch that way. They can send me a messenger as well, me on Messenger.

James:

Thank you very much.

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James Ainsworth

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