Prioritising Pleasure: How to Reclaim Your Body, Boundaries, and Desire | Jem Ayres

In this deeply honest and wide-ranging episode, I’m joined by sex coach and sexological bodyworker Jem Ayres for a powerful conversation about reclaiming pleasure, presence, and connection in everyday life.

We explore how prioritising pleasure — not just in sex, but in the smallest daily rituals — can transform how we show up in our relationships, work, and wellbeing. Jem shares her personal story of burnout, illness, and rediscovering the wisdom of the body, and we dive into topics like nervous system regulation, performance anxiety, people-pleasing, boundaries, and how to reconnect with your body when it’s been numb, stressed, or shut down.

About Jem:

Orgasmic Embodiment Coach.

Jem is a certified Sex Geek -  A trauma-informed, Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Sex Coach, Tantra practitioner and teacher.  She has been featured on Channel 4 & 5 documentaries and leads one2one sessions, couples work, workshops and retreats both online and in-person.

Jem has over 10 years' experience in the field of self-development through the body and teaches wat she calls 'Sexual Self-Development'.

Multi-talented and creative she is passionate about helping people to connect with themselves through the body, fine-tuning into the subtleties of our life force, using sexual energy to fuel all areas of life.

https:www.jemayres.co.uk

Transcript

0:00

In today's episode, I talk with Gem about prioritizing pleasure as a daily practice. Pleasure isn't a reward, it's fuel. We talked about performance, anxiety and sexual shutdown, and how you can overcome this, how power of self connection. Before Partner Connection can fill your own cup and meet with them in your fullness. And we talked about people pleasing boundaries and emotional dumping. Welcome to Man: A Quest to Find Meaning, where we help men navigate modern life, find their true purpose, and redefine manhood. I'm your host, James, and each week, inspiring guests share their journeys of overcoming fear Embracing vulnerability and finding success. From experts to everyday heroes. Get practical advice and powerful insights. Struggling with career, relationships or personal growth? We've got you covered. Join us on Man Quest to Find Meaning. Now, let's dive in.

James: 1:14

Your mantra is prioritizing pleasure. Hi Jen. Can you tell me more?

Jem: 1:21

Yeah, no worries. So I'm a sex coach and a sexological body worker, and people always think that what I work with is just teaching couples how to have sex basically. And I do that, but it's a sex and pleasure on a wider spectrum. And one of my beliefs, and one of the things I teach is that if we prioritize pleasure instead of it being at the end of the to-do list, then it fuels all aspects of our life. We turn up in a better frame of mind, we can show up more fully. And we are more generous. We have more to give to people, to our partners, to our friends, to our family, our children, our communities. And actually when we are in pleasure, that's where we are actually at our healthiest, like our nervous system, our immune system, mental health. Spiritual health, if you like. It's where we're absolutely, we've got more to give when we are fueled by pleasure. So that's why I teach people to prioritize pleasure.

James: 2:20

One thing I've noticed in my life quite a lot is when you are focused on your business, that almost takes the forefront. And so you automatically forget about your own pleasure and enjoyment. And what I'm finding is that the more that I try to focus on my business and the more I run myself down, the more I actually want to start to prioritize my own pleasure. Whether that's insects or whether that's going out into nature and almost doing a u-turn.'cause as you said, when you were having lots of pleasure. Enjoyment, enjoy. You are at your healthiest, so you got more ideas flowing, you get, you're more likely to flow and it, I find it a lot easier.

Jem: 3:06

Yeah, of course. And as you mentioned, pleasure isn't just about sex and sexual pleasure, it's about all aspects of pleasure. Even like the low level kind of cups of tea or enjoying the sun on our face. And what happens is often pleasure's the last thing that we go to when we are in challenges or we are in grief or we are in heartbreak. The pleasure is the thing that gets knocked off the to-do list when we are busy and we've become very good at focusing on. Getting our work done and suffering. Actually our bodies are in strange positions in cars or on laptops all day, or we're constantly looking at our phone so our bodies aren't naturally as open and as available for pleasure when they're stressed out and cramped up and not very well looked after.'cause we're eating really quick food on the go and not fueling ourself nutritionally either. And so pleasure really does fuel everything as far as I'm concerned. And I know for me, I couldn't operate fully in this world if I wasn't giving myself more time. And I've definitely come from a place where I was building. I've had, this is my second business and I hit burnout absolutely in my first business. So I learned the hard way. And our bodies aren't light switches. We can't spend the whole day, in our stress or in our head getting stuff done. And being like machines or robots and then suddenly in the evening switch off and relax. It doesn't work like that. We can't just put that stuff down so our bodies aren't automatically able and available to be in pleasure, and that includes sexual pleasure, like suddenly after five o'clock. Because generally we bring our stuff home with us if we've been in our tent space all day.'cause we're working with the nervous system ultimately. And we've trained the nervous system to be on fight fight, do fight flight mode most of the day. Even if it's just low level anxiety that has an effect on us. And actually what we need to get better at is tipping into our parasympathetic nervous system, place where we're more open and available for pleasure. And that's ultimately quite a vulnerable place. Actually the opposite of this kind of fight, fight, do-do mode. Yeah.

James: 5:18

So how did you switch from obviously from burnout into prioritizing, pleasure and working with your your nervous system more?

Jem: 5:30

Oh, great question. I had burnout. I loved my business and I didn't wanna stop doing it, but I got really sick. I got cancer and suddenly the rug was whipped from under me and I didn't have a choice. I had to really start looking after myself. And nothing else became more important actually, than my body and my health. So I looked at how I could keep myself healthy, in a 360 degree spectrum, really like all aspects of me to be in pleasure. And I realized that actually none of us know how long we've got left on this brilliant planet, in these wonderful bodies of our hours. So we need to just enjoy them as they are every moment of the day. So even now, I call, I I set some homework recently for some women in my group, which I call Tiny Tantras. So tantra is this idea of presence in sexuality or presence in life. So tiny Tantras through the day. It's like, how do I enjoy my tea? How do I really feel my, the bath I'm having, how do I really taste the food I'm eating? Instead of us just going through the functional motions of all of these things that we do every day. So instead of just saving pleasure for the weekend or the one holiday we have a year, or when we have sex with our partner, it's like, how can everything we do in life throughout our day, even the stuff we don't enjoy, like the washing up, like how can we get the most amount of presence and pleasure from that? So yeah, tell me. I just, I started on the small things,

James: 7:00

so that's, so obviously washing up. People hate to wash up. How could, how did you personally find the presence and the pleasure within that or within anything that's a little bit like tedious.

Jem: 7:16

So I have daily practices that I do every day that keep me sane and keep me level. And I find that every day if I check in with my own body, whether that's through meditation, dancing, breath work, yoga, the gym, then I have more availability for everything else throughout the day. And for things like, I remember washing the bath in high heels or like lots of music features very highly. So having a pleasure playlist when I wash up or so all of these little nuggets of how can, so a good question I ask is how can I be in 10% more pleasure right now? Even if we are in challenges in life, whether it's physical challenges and ill health, or we live with debilitating conditions or diseases, or whether we're in grief or heartbreak or stress, there's always gonna be, even if it's not pleasure, it might just be comfort. Okay, how can I not chop my comfort right now? Before we got on this call, I made sure that I had cushions for my back. I've got a cup of tea, I've got my fluffy socks on. So if I'm gonna be here talking to you for an hour, I'm gonna make it the most pleasurable experience possible for myself.

James: 8:22

Like it. So I know that there's probably a lot of people out there who perhaps don't know what gives them pleasure or what pleasure is. Can you gimme a definition and perhaps tell us a little bit of how they can start to distinguish what gives them pleasure?

Jem: 8:38

Yeah, I often ask people about what their low level pleasures are. So if it's not discomfort in your body and if it's not neutral or numbness, can we claim it as pleasure? So I think I mentioned some earlier about sun on my skin or getting into a warm bath or stroking a cat, those kind of things. And I call them my low level pleasures. So I'd start to get people to explore all of these low level pleasures and give themselves more of those on a regular basis.'cause they're the ones we generally ignore, actually.'cause they're subtle and they're easy to ignore. They're miles away from orgasmic pleasure. But quite often when I hear that people are having challenges around getting more high intensity peak experiences in sex and in pleasure. What I find out is actually they're ignoring the small, subtle things. So they're expecting their body to go from super stressed out and barely functioning and a bit burnt out to suddenly orgasmic bliss. They say, okay, maybe we need to work on the middle ground a little bit. So where are our tiny tantras? Where are our little low level micro pleasures? And give yourself more of those and really feel them. So instead of just a functional wash, can I really feel the soap on my skin, the warmth on my skin, the way I touch my body, so that we are really present with what's going on instead of just plotting our to do list that we're gonna do next. Running onto the next thing. So that's one thing. And we practice this in ways like yeah, having showers, doing the washing up, things like that. So that then when we come to sex and intimacy, it's already part of our language. It's already our, an established habit of ours so that we are not waiting till we in sex to practice good sex. So actually I wanna practice pleasure everywhere so that it's already in my system ready for when I'm in intimate connection, whether that's with myself or with a partner.

James: 10:31

Yeah, that makes a hell of a lot of sense because quite often for a day where a lot of people are unconscious, including myself at times. And so it's that practice of going from being unconscious to becoming conscious of the everyday things of a bright light behind the screen of being present in my body and being in that pace of power, in a good way. But it's also. What I've noticed myself, especially with my own business side of things, is, I don't know if you know about human design a little bit. Yeah. So I'm a projector, so if I work eight hours of doing, trying to graft, I'm literal. I literally almost destroy myself and I'm exhausted. So I'm having to learn to almost change that and almost allow myself to be present in the body and to breathe into the sense of unknown. So practice presence in the unknown, and then when it feels right, ask myself what do I need to do now? Yeah.'cause otherwise I'm trying to do this. I've got my head's trying to go from one thing to another thing, but I'm finding I'm busy being busy and tend to get nowhere.

Jem: 11:47

Yeah, there's so the term unconsciousness gets, or consciousness, has a reputation. And I think actually when we are unconscious, basically unaware, it's just our body strategy of getting through life. There's a lot coming at us, isn't there?

James: 12:00

So we

Jem: 12:01

can't be a hundred percent conscious all the time. It'd be too much for our system. We overwhelm. So we just numb out if that was the case. So sometimes you've just gotta get on with things and switch off and think about your shopping list. So I think, yeah, none of us are oo in this lifetime, so let's have'cause some compassion for the moments where, oh, I checked out for the last half an hour, oh, I've forgot. Forgot about, did I even send that email? And I think, yeah, just being really with what feels helpful for me right now and what feels helpful for me right now might be I need to just get on with this and check out and plow on for the next half an hour.

James: 12:41

Yeah,

Jem: 12:41

I've forgotten the rest of your question, James. I'm so sorry.

James: 12:45

Oh, no it's more of conversation, but can you tell us what's your story? How did you get into becoming a sex coach?

Jem: 12:50

Thanks. I was in my twenties when I experienced sexual shutdown. And for me, I was in a great relationship with someone I really cared for, but I wasn't able to enjoy sex anymore, and I didn't know why and I didn't understand, and I went to a lot of different places to try and figure it out, and no one really had answers for me. So I went to doctors who just offered me antidepressants. I spent years in therapy where we didn't ever really talk about sex. We talked a lot about my childhood, and that was helpful and important, but I remember going home, going, how is this gonna help me now connect with my partner this evening? And and I did, yeah, I went to Hypnotherapist. I went to all sorts of people'cause I was, I asked everyone for help. So I was years in the dark running around thinking no one knows anything about sex. No one can help me. And I don't want anyone to ever feel like that. It was a really, it was a dark time. And then I found tantra and body work and it really shifted things for me overnight with the idea that actually we learn through the body. So when I teach people, I give people really practical ways to connect with themselves. And people will come to me after they've talked to everyone else and they've done years of therapy and finally they're like, oh, why did I not think of this?'cause the stuff I teach isn't, it's not rocket science, actually, it's quite obvious, but we've got quite limited role models of what sex should look like. So the only kind of examples we have out there is either pornography or romantic films and the that and those. There's a whole more spectrum of actually how sex could look for us and how we design sex and intimacy and pleasure for our own bodies. But because we don't necessarily, we haven't had it shown to us. We dunno how. So I've heard people come to me and they're, they've been to other counselors, and counselors have told them to just, go and explore your body and people dunno what that means, what do you mean? I've been exploring my body for years. So I give them real practical tools about how to use their breath, what kind of touch to use, how long to spend with your body, different techniques. And also it's like actually looking at the body as a whole thing, not just suddenly going okay, we've got challenges around sex. Let's work on the genitals. So actually we wanna learn more about sex. Let's look at how we bring our sexual energy into everyday life. Start from there. And that really helps people.'cause actually sex is still very much a taboo subject and is quite laden with unhelpful conditionings and messages. We've all grown up with them. So that kind of stuff isn't necessarily gonna shift overnight if we attack it head on. It's let's look at the wider aspect of sexuality and enjoying our bodies and enjoying our lives, and remove the stigma and the shame around that first.

James: 15:42

Yeah, that makes a big lot of sense because it's talking about sex. Talking about sex, especially to your parents. For me it's embarrassing. It is really embarrassing, but it's almost obviously our parents haven't been taught and we're having to explore ourselves and to learn through what whatever comes. A lot of people have performance anxiety, including myself now and again. What is performance anxiety and why do people have this?

Jem: 16:15

Oh, good question. Performance anxiety shows up in all genders actually. And how it often shows up in male bodies is through anxiety and chatter that just gets in the way from being connected, but also can show up in lack of arousal, lack of erection, for example, losing erection. And for in female bodies, how that can show up is fear around not being able to orgasm or taking too long, and again, it often just stems from, again, we haven't had been shown how sex could be. We've got very limited role model in, and if that doesn't work for us, then suddenly we figure out that we are wrong. So if we suddenly decide that we are wrong in sexuality or that we dunno what we are doing,'cause the story out there is it should come naturally. We should all know. And this just isn't the truth, okay. Maybe. The biological aspect of we know how to have sex in a functional way that could potentially make a baby, but actually do we know how to have sex so that we can be our fullest pleasure? No, we haven't learned that. In schools it's not taught, it's not doctors don't even know half of the stuff that I know about anatomy and the bodies and sexual pleasure. So we go to our peers or to our older siblings for information. Or maybe when we are older it's pornography or maybe even sex workers. And all of these will have different levels of information. But actually where can we learn where it's really straightforward and it's not a shameful experience. It's not even a titillating experience, it's just very matter of fact. Let's learn about our bodies. And everybody's body is different as well. So there's no kind of directory that's tells everyone where our own personal switches. So most of my work is about giving people the self permission, teaching people self permission, giving themselves permission about how to explore themselves and what works for them. And it's gonna be different for everyone. And I think because there is so much shame and history taboo around sex and around pleasure, one of the massive limiting factors is we don't give ourselves permission to enjoy our bodies. Because there's always something better to do. There's always the washing up to do, or we've learned at church or Sunday school that you know, there's something better to do. Pleasure.

James: 18:32

That's it. Is it, obviously this is completely off the thing of sex, but I've come to realize that going for a walk gives me pleasure, but I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I know that being in nature is probably one of the best things for me, but I'm not doing it because I've got other things to do. So how can people give themselves permission with regards to exploring themselves with, to do with sex? How can they start to really open up? Yeah. How can they give themselves permission?

Jem: 19:01

Oh, good question. I've, so I've been self-employed now for 14 years and like yourself, I was absolutely on the rat race and didn't have a lot of time. And I loved what I was doing. I loved what I was doing. So I was doing more of it, doing more of it, and it was quite tiring and it's taken me. It's only been the last two years I say I reckon that I figured out to put boundaries around my work and instead of prioritizing work and pleasure is just the little bit that fills the gaps in between. So actually what does my body need for me to turn up for work? So my body needs me to have done yoga most days to have gone to the gym most days, to not be having to struggle myself out the house at 7:00 AM. So I've really had to tweak my schedule to reflect how I can show up for my clients and for my work in the best way possible. And that takes time'cause of the ingrained working class habits I have from childhood, which is you just carry on going, you carry on going, and if you're lucky, you get one holiday year. So it is taken a long time for me to put those boundaries in place for myself. And there's quite a lot of guilt as well.'cause I see everyone else really on the rat race and really struggling and everyone's a bit financially challenged at this moment and I'm just skipping off to yoga, but I know that's the best thing for me and my healthy body so that I have more to offer the world. And so when it comes to sexual pleasure, it's the same. It's put it in the diary, prioritize it, if it's a dentist appointment that you've paid for, you turn up for it, so make sure it's in the diary. Give yourself like tantric date nights, but without the pressure of it having to be an orgasm or even sexual. It's just actually what would be good for me. And it might be just reading, it might be making banana bread, or it might be just, finding ways to bring more pleasure to your current routines. So if you have one bath a week, it's like how to apply oil onto your skin. That kind of thing. Or prioritizing your Sunday morning lay ins, making sure you don't give yourself anything to do then. So it's just all of these tiny little ways where with my windows during my week where I can spend more time on myself and my pleasure. Something that doesn't involve a screen, basically something that's not scrolling or on our laptops or answering our emails.

James: 21:23

Yeah. Makes So Brooke, for me, I've noticed, because I work at home, I have no boundaries between myself and my business. So I had to, I've had to, I just make this realization last couple of days. So I have moved myself back. So my, my office here is actually upstairs in one of my spare bedrooms and I'm prioritizing this being my workspace or maybe out there where, wherever. But it's having that almost physical boundary of saying, yes, this is my workspace for my business. Out there is my stuff that I do, and maybe you could, I could even have, the thing of my bedroom is my area where I can have pleasure with myself kind of thing. And like you, I prioritize as much as I possibly can my own fitness. So I'll prioritize CrossFit on a Wednesday and a Thursday at half nine in the morning when I'm not injured, shall I say. But it's so important this prioritizing and we forget, and as you mentioned, when you start to prioritize pleasure, it makes you feel good. And when you feel good, everything's good.

Jem: 22:35

It's breaking a habit. We've all got into habits around work and around pleasure. So breaking a habit can be annoying and quite difficult to do like any habit. But once we start to feel the benefits of, it takes a bit of discipline to get over the first hurdle. I suppose once we start to feel the benefits of it, then. Then it's oh, why haven't I done this all the time? So even in pleasure, even in sex and intimacy, it's like we can identify, we might have certain ways that we touch ourselves or certain videos and pornography or fantasies that we lean into. We might have certain positions if we are laying down always when we touch ourselves or whether we set up at the same screen. It's okay, all of those might work in the tick the box. But if I change something, does that give me a bit more creativity and a bit more space and give me something new? So I often say to people, if your habit is have sex with your partner, like on a Wednesday night in the bedroom on bed, like maybe do it in the kitchen. Maybe do it on the bedroom floor. Like maybe have a, another room, like an intimacy room, if you have space for that. Build a nest in the middle of the living room so that you are not just in that same rut of, it is, it's bedtime. We're all tired, but this is our only time to make intimacy happen.'cause that's general. It's gonna be when we get lazy and, yeah, me too. But we, it's like that's not always gonna be the most satisfying sexual experience for us. So keeping things different, changing them up and breaking habits, in the small ways, our small, tiny pleasures through the day, as well as the bigger intimacy pieces in our relationship or with our own bodies.

James: 24:11

It's quite easy to get into your head, especially when we're we, when we're in sex, when we are, we're worrying about things. We have anxiety. We worry what the person's thinking. How can we start to shift from our head into our body?

Jem: 24:26

Good question. And again, maybe it's about having embodiment practices through the day. Because especially if we've been in our head all day, we can't get the suddenly get to five o'clock, six o'clock and go, now it's embodiment time, let's get sexy. So it's having practices and embodiment throughout the day and really conscious embodiment. I've definitely been to yoga where I'm just going through the motions whilst I'm planning my to-do list. So actually, can I use breath to stay in my body so that it's infiltrated through my day so that I turn up in a better shape, if you like, in the evening. I think if it is tantric foreplay, like going for walks in nature, taking breaks, breathing deeper, this is all kind of tantric foreplay before I connect with myself or my partner. Yeah, so breath moving, like moving the body dancing and something which doesn't necessarily have like a goal to it. For example, with the gym, there's generally a goal of kind of progress or gains or lifting heavier and that's absolutely great and healthy. But when it comes to dancing, there's no way it should look or should be, and there's no end point particularly. So I find that's quite helpful. Like it gives a bit more play and a bit more creativity and breath is always the number one thing. I teach through everything. If we have more awareness around our breath, we literally have more space in our body to feel our nervous system has more capacity to actually feel our experiences. And that's not just pleasure, that's everything. We are opening up our pleasure sensors by breathing deeper. So yeah, step one, breathe deeper. Step two, play more in your body, creatively, dance, move, play,

James: 26:04

pose. Also, there's a idea of asking your partner. How can we make them more relaxed? So how can we go about asking our partner or a friend or whoever it is how to be more relaxed?

Jem: 26:21

Good question. We all have what I call the minus scale. So if we think of zero as my body is neutral, my body is safe, my body is comfortable and relaxed, and then we have everything in the minus, which are the stresses that get in the way of our body being comfortable and safe and relaxed. So for me, I need to first of all identify what it is that keeps me in my minus. So we've already mentioned some today, so yeah, working too hard, being in our heads, anxiety, but also things like both. Yeah, being in the car all day. If I don't feel safe, if I don't feel emotionally safe with my partner, if there's some stuff we haven't talked about fully from an argument we had three weeks ago, or if I'm worried someone's gonna hear or someone's gonna come in, or the kids are gonna overhear us, or other things that might get in the way, might be, yeah, I don't feel like I have enough time for my body to really open up, then all of these things are gonna be in the minus. So first of all, it's identifying what is stopping me from being comfortable, and how many of those things can we alleviate and remove. That's step one to being more relaxed. And then there are practices that you can do solo, but also with your partner, which involve breathing together, connecting together, belly to belly, physical touch, which isn't necessarily sexual or doesn't involve our genitals, so that we can start to experience touch just for touch's sake, so that it's not just every touch ends up as sex, or every kiss ends up as foreplay. Actually, that's a really surefire way of losing our libido in relationship. If the only time we're intimate with each other means it always has to end in someone's orgasm. So actually, can we set aside time and spaces where we are just in touch and then it just pauses. It doesn't need to be a, there doesn't need to be like an end point of a completion to it.'cause ultimately what that teaches us is that we are safe.

James: 28:23

Because I, I was gonna mention'cause safety is so important and I've noticed myself that recently I had a short-lived festival romance and the reason it never went any further was because she didn't feel seen. So how can we, obviously it's a little bit off topic of sex, but I think it's so important. How can us as men. A place of presence and safety for our partner?

Jem: 29:00

Great question. I think all genders can listen to each other more basically. And I think ultimately if and I recommend this for everyone to do the self work first, so when we do come to our partner, we have something to offer. It's and especially with men, I'm always encouraging men to do men's circles and do men's work so that they're not relying on their partner to meet their intimate kind of needs there, emotional needs and everything else. Because especially even in this day and age, it's still men very much stay, can stay very much to themselves and women very much more usually have a better with communities and what often happens. This is what's happened in relationships where I've coached people, is that it's usually more the men who, or the women, sorry, that feel that their partners are coming to them to be their mother, their carer, their healer, their emotional support, their PA at times. And it's actually, how can I outsource all of those roles to as many other different people as possible? Everyone needs to do this, not just men, but it is a thing that does happen in men is that where they put everything into their partner, and that can put a lot of pressure on women. And even in sex, there's this idea that men are always the givers and that they're having to give the woman an orgasm. And that male pleasure often relies on their partner's pleasure. And again, that puts so much pressure on our partner to have orgasms. It stops being fun, there's no way to cut short an orgasm then by pushing for it, or chasing for it, or trying to make it happen. So getting men back into their own bodies and onto what I call primary sensation. So instead of secondary sensation or secondary arousal, which is all of the things outside of our body. So whether that's fantasy or pornography or getting turned on by our partner's, ra our partner in underwear, for example. So actually, how can I get turned on by how my body feels? Just, without going into fantasy, without thinking of anything, without being in touch with my partner, how can I just touch my body so that it feels really good for me? So that's primary sensation, and if you learn that, then you're less dependent on your partner to create pleasure for you to create sex for you, and it takes the pressure off everyone. So everyone needs to learn about their own bodies first.

James: 31:31

You mentioned. About men finding as much outsourcing as possible with regards to their own emotional and mental challenges. So part of me, how do we find a balance? Because I feel like some of the stuff that we've, as men go through, I think could be chatted with the, our partner, but I feel like some of it could be outsourced to other men, to groups. How do we find a balance between that? Because as a man to create that connection, I'm very open and honest about my own emotional needs and stuff and what's going on for me. But sometimes I can almost go, blah, how do I find a balance between go between? Kindness. Yeah. Talking about it all and yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Jem: 32:27

Great question. Yeah. Yeah. And of course we want to involve our partner in our lives and things that are going on for us and challenges, but preferably without the dumping. So it's yeah. If we have, like I know in my life I've got a whole team of people that hold me together, like therapists, mentors, peer support groups, different friendship circles, as well as my partner. But actually I, they're not always my first port of call when something's going on for me. So actually this, where do I take this? And I'm lucky that I've set up my life and my community that I have a number of different places that I can go to do my dumping, so that when I do then speak to my partner about it, it's less of a dump and more of a wealth. Filtered thought, basically. Okay. And I think, yeah, it's difficult and it might not even be like a therapist, for example, it might just be a men's group that go in the sea together. I live right by the sea front in Hove, and there's stuff like that goes on, and that's just like an extra support network. And it's not therapy, it's not necessarily men talking about their problems, but it's like just a bit of a backbone, like a silent support backbone, which gives people a bit more self-esteem, a bit more confidence in themselves so that they're not, so that there's less needing to dump,

James: 33:49

yeah. It's I find it it's a hard to find that balance between too much and not being open enough. And usually I'm probably more towards the dumping because I'm so open and honest with myself.

Jem: 34:08

Self-regulation as well is really important. So as well as co-regulation with a partner or with others or by outsourcing and our emotional support needs, we all need that. It's also actually, how do I, what are the practices that keep me in my center just for me? Like where do, what are the times where I put aside time to breathe, to meditate, to dance, to sing, whatever it is just for me time. And that keeps me sane, and then it means that when life does come at me,'cause challenges happen to us all, absolutely. I'm less swayed by it or I'm less broken by it because I've got this practice that keeps me rooted and anchored in myself first. And then that means that, yeah, I'm less likely to need as much support as I do on some days.

James: 34:58

Yeah. I find I'm very good at, self-reflection. I'm very good at, I tend to speak out loud when I go for a walk. That's my way of, I tend to, so it's almost like the universe hears me. So I have an ex external somebody, somebody listening, but that way.

Jem: 35:15

I think journaling is also helpful. Something I've got back into recently after having an argument with a partner was like, I'm just gonna journal this out. And I wrote for three days solid, pretty much, just so I wasn't phoning him up and ranting at him. So by the time we did have a conversation I was really calm. I was like, yeah, I've I've got it out. I just got it out on the writing. By the end of it, I was like, oh, I don't need to tell you. You are an asshole anymore.

James: 35:44

I use voice notes so I don't obviously send it. I record it and then that's almost like me speaking out my thoughts. Yeah. Because quite often if you try to think them, there's something between either writing it or saying it out loud compared with just thinking it

Jem: 36:01

gets it out. Yeah. And again, back to breath, sound and movement. The three keys to this kind of sexuality work and presence work. Is that okay? Can I breathe through it? Can I make sound about it? Whether it's a ah, or a Yeah, a rant. But not necessarily aim at anyone. And then how do I move my body? Can I physically shake it out, or do I need to go for a run or do I need to dance it out?

James: 36:24

Yeah, I did authentic relating level one oh a couple of weeks ago, and it's be, they talk about different levels, so they talk about the level of connection. So having. Humility, which is, I you matter and also dignity that I matter. And then when you're in that level of connection, it's easy to communicate. Yeah. But when you are either being triggered in any way and whether you take you, whether you go inside and bring yourself fearful or whether you go the complete opposite, ah, kind of thing, you can't communicate. But when you're in that level of dignity and humility, there's almost a sense of you are in your own frame,

Jem: 37:13

you're centered. Yeah.

James: 37:14

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

Jem: 37:16

There's a lot to, basically the nervous system has a lot to answer for, a healthy nervous system isn't one that's always able isn't. We have this idea that fight or flight mode is bad and that we, we need to be able to regulate ourselves all the time into the parasympathetic place of rest and digest. Actually we need a healthy fight or flight mode in life. That's how it is. So a healthy nervous system is one that can be in either end of the spectrum and bring itself back to center as quickly as possible. Ultimately, and I've got really good in arguments or discussions where I feel the charge, where I start to lose my words and I get a bit agitated. I just start to say, oh, I can't talk about this from this place right now. And I'll just admit, God, there's a charge here for me, or I'm in my fight mode, so I can't talk about this right now. So I go and stomp off somewhere and do something so that I'm not aiming whatever at that person.

James: 38:14

And

Jem: 38:14

sometimes people find that frustrating'cause they want a good row or they need the answers to whatever the thing is right now. But I think that's a really healthy boundary to be like, this conversation isn't gonna be helpful to me or probably to you, so let's give it some time, some space and some breath, and then we can come back to it from a more regulated, same place without the chemicals firing off in the brain where, no one's, no one wants to argue with a drunk person. And that's literally what happens in the brain. The chemicals stop us being sane and sober because we are in our charged place.

James: 38:46

You yeah you're in your power. You're in that place of, you said centeredness and Yeah, erectile dysfunction. What is it and how can people start to overcome this?

Jem: 38:58

Good question. I'm not a fan of. The word dysfunction.'cause the dysfunction suggests there's something wrong. And actually 90% of people that go to hospital with, or doctors, sorry, with erectile dysfunction, there's nothing physically wrong. So actually it's often mostly psychological, but also what we notice is that the body changes over time and over years and we just treat the penis like the tool actually like that. It's only really useful if it's hard and so often we can treat it quite roughly the way that we touch, the way that we pleasure ourselves, the way that others pleasure us can be very hard and fast and friction based and it has quite a lot of tension and that isn't very helpful for the body actually. And often the body can numb out and we need harder and we need harder, and then we need harder. Same with the kind of pornography we watch. To some point we numb out to it a bit. So it needs to be a bit more extreme, a bit more extreme, a bit more extreme. And then at some point it just stops working. Our body goes enough now and it's quite a lot out there about, female genitalia and yoni worship and yoni's in reverence or vulvas being respected. But yet there's still not enough about male genitalia and how we can love and worship, the divinity in masculine sexuality. So I think when I work with people with erectile dysfunction, again, it's back to, okay let's step away from the idea of having to strive to get an erection. And we just need to start feeling more, feeling the subtles. Because often what we are looking for is the intense experience, which gets us the aroused instead of where can the subtle, smaller experiences actually start to work for us and in our favor, but we ignore them and numb out to those. So it's a process of numbing the body. And there could be many reasons why erections aren't as prevalent as we would like. It could be to do with trauma, it could be to do with heartbreak. Funnily enough, I've had quite a lot of men come to me, and eventually when we found our coached way through it, we found that actually a few years before erections started to be a change, they experienced deep heartbreak or they experienced grief or bereavement, or a really difficult divorce that they didn't wanna go through. We seem to somehow forget that Men's Cox are also attached to their heart as well, like male sexuality and has heart. And we have this, there's this unhelpful story out there that, men are just all about the erections and the, ever ready and always wanting sex. Sometimes maybe that might be true, but there's also a human body that's attached to that penis and something. And when we experience shock or trauma or bereavement, that has a very real effect.'cause when we experience emotions, which are too much for us to hold, we numb out. And classically especially in previous years, historically, men haven't been taught that it's okay to have emotions. Actually things are changing these days. I know, but it's still there in the conditioning of, men not being able to feel, not being able to cry, not being able to show emotion and what we do when we are not able to. Feel because it's too overwhelming for our system'cause we're not allowed to feel it is we numb out and if we numb out from feeling emotion, we also numb out from feeling sensation.'cause emotion and sensation are both feelings and they are linked in our body and in our nervous system. So if we are struggling to feel anything in our cock, it's probably'cause we've shut down our heart one way or another. So when we start to feel more in our body and we are looking for more pleasure, we're opening up the body to actually being in quite a vulnerable place, to feel more of everything. Sometimes there is a layer of grief that people have to go through before they can experience more pleasure in their lives. We can't just say, I only wanna feel the more, more sexy stuff. So we feel it all.

James: 42:55

That's, I think we, people almost demonize certain emotions, like grief, like sadness, anger, rage. But there just sensations in the budget. And if I feel like I've come, I've become attuned to my body quite well and I know when there's certain, I don't have to know whether it's, whatever emotion it is, I can just feel that sensation in the body and allow that to be there. But there's a lot of people who find that quite difficult, may maybe'cause they've numbed themselves so much that they find it hard to feel. How can we start to open our heart up, open our emotions up so that we can start to sense these emotions,

Jem: 43:40

oh, again, I'd start with touch so that we start to feel more sensation in the body and the emotions will come. I think that's probably the easiest route. So again, starting with touching the body, really soft and light. So the opposite of how we might touch our cock, for example. It might be hard and fast and very friction based. So actually how can we touch our body in the softest, lightest feather, light, fingertip way? And start with that and start with opening up. And we might feel numbness for a while and it might not feel sexual, but actually, and it not just the cock, but all of the body is involved in this practice. Like, how can I just start to feel more sensation in the body? And quite often, this is what happens when I work with men and I offer body work is men do get more in touch with their emotions or do get teary eyed and stuff comes up because suddenly their body's softening and they're, it is, they're being actually really touched instead of just touched to get hard or touched to go to orgasm. It's gosh, I'm being touched. The idea of being touched isn't just physical. When we are touched, we are moved, our soul is touched. So when we experience touch, which isn't just the functional to get us somewhere or to fix us, it's just touch for touch is sake. Something opens up deeper in the body so you can do self touch practices to help you feel more and to work with emotions. But it's really helpful to work with a practitioner because then you are held in the experience and you tend to be a bit braver. It's almost easier to go there with someone that you feel safe with who isn't a partner, someone outside of your relationship so that then you can, you've got an anchor back that can pull you back, you're not gonna get lost in it, and again, it is like taking that and outsourcing that somewhere else. That isn't our partnership, so that our partner doesn't have to hold all of our emotions solely for them.

James: 45:36

There seems to be a common thing coming out here actually, I noticed, is that it's more to do with, as you said, pleasure, prioritizing, pleasure, touch, allowing yourself to connect to the parts of the cells that perhaps have never been open or have been in shop for a while. And yeah. With regards to relationships, how can we start to become a little bit more intimate with our partner?

Jem: 46:07

Gosh, intimates quite a big word. We could do that in multiple different ways, do we mean physically intimate or do we mean like deeply emotionally intimate or heartfelt? I think the first thing is put time aside to give yourself that time with your partner and before you turn up to your partner, you've done something for yourself. So that you're not turning up to your partner with an empty cup wanting them to fill you. It's like you've done your self work, you've done your breath, you've found yourself at that regulated zero place. You've emptied out your day's worth of stress, whatever's been going on for you, so that you can turn up really open and clear and available and present to your partner. That's step one, both of you to do that and turn up together and then just putting a boundary around that time and it doesn't actually matter what you do in that time, but it's doing it with presence and breath and care. So it might be that you're just having a three minute share of your day, for example, or or you are sharing an experience of what I appreciate about you this week is what I appreciate the most about you this week is, that kind of practice. Or it could just be a touch practice, like a belly massage or a spooning practice or a kissing meditation. There's lots of different ways that you can, in really small ways build intimacy with your partner, but I really think it's making sure that you are turning up for yourself first so that you're not putting all of your needs on your partner to fulfill you and to meet you intimately. And then making sure that you've got a boundary around that time and space. And that might mean that you know when the end point is, or you've said, okay, this is just gonna be pants on play, or we are just gonna do a sharing, talking experience without touch. And then afterwards, what might aftercare look like? It might be that we both go out and have dinner so that it doesn't just suddenly become foreplay and we fall into sex. Or it might be that we don't spend the night together, but we wanna have a phone queen in the morning to check in. Putting some structure in place around your intimacy, it can be really helpful.

James: 48:21

When you mentioned connect to self first, I think that's always the key because when we're talking about authentic level, authentic relating, level one, the first thing they teach is connecting to yourself.

Jem: 48:33

Yeah. Connection. First always,

James: 48:36

because I think it's very easy in this world of screens of being, being around unconscious, it's very easy to be outside ourselves. So almost bringing ourselves back to us is almost like it should be first thing we do. Even when we're in bed, when we wake up, connect to ourself first.

Jem: 48:56

Yeah, absolutely. What do I feel in my body? How can I be in 10% more comfort? And then what have I got to offer to a partner? Yeah.

James: 49:09

I think you mentioned when we had a conversation, you talked about how to pleasure our partner in the best way possible. How can we, because some, sometimes as a man, you almost feel like you need to know it all. And so breaking down them barriers of perhaps you think you know everything, but you actually don't wait. You probably don't. But there's that idea that sometimes it's quite difficult for us to ask, how can we break that barrier down so that we can have the courage to say, how do you help me here, please.

Jem: 49:47

Yeah. And also. Our partner might not even know what they want and what pleasures them.'cause historically women haven't been given permission to actually dive into their own pleasure. So more and more I get women coming to me going, I just dunno what I want. I dunno what I enjoy. I dunno what I desire. And we also haven't actually been able to practice using our voice to express that.'cause that hasn't gone down very well in the past either. There's always been this fear of a woman who knows what she want is wants, is labeled a certain way. So first thing a man or a partner can do for anyone is to create safety. Can we create safety for that partner so that they know that when they do use their voice and they do ask for what they want, that not only are they and it's not about giving our partner everything and self-sacrificing ourselves.'cause I need to know that my partner, if I make a request from him. He's gonna be really in his own boundaries actually. And he is not gonna go into people pleasing or doing something just'cause he thinks that's what I want. Or doing something.'cause it hopes to get sex at the end. Like I've lost track of how many times in my life I've been offered a massage and halfway through that massage and I don't think this massage is for me actually. So how do we create safety with our partners so that they know that not everything has to end up in sex and that their requests might not necessarily get met, but you'll be met with care if nothing else. And it might be also, because actually someone asking for what they want is a really vulnerable place. So can you go first in that? Can men put themselves in the vulnerable position of saying, oh, I've got a request and it's about you don't have to meet it. I've realized there's something I desire to experience you right now. Would you like to hear this? And being all right, if my partner says, yeah, I'd like to hear it. And then they go, oh, not tonight.'cause I think the fear around rejection is one of the main reasons why most of us aren't gonna dare to ask for what we want, even if we do know what we want.

James: 51:58

The word that came to mind for myself was before we, we were chatting about that was messy. Everything's messy regardless of whether you are in a good place or a bad place. And it's almost accepting that. And, like emotions are messy. Like you might have sadness, you might have grief, you might have happier, you might have joy there. There's obviously gonna be, it could be a lot of mess in our heads. There could be a lot of mess in our physical bodies. And generally life is messy. And once we acknowledge that it's messy and allow ourselves to be vulnerable about it being messy, it's almost, I feel like it almost creates a level of safety.

Jem: 52:40

Nice. And also it takes the pressure off of having to get sex right. Or having things to be perfect.'cause if sex was perfect every time, we didn't get bored of it, there is no way that sex can be.

James: 52:52

Yeah. And I think with the word messy, we don't, nobody likes the word messy. We almost try to avoid it, but I feel like if we lean into messy, there's almost a level of you don't have to play up to a certain level.

Jem: 53:11

Acceptance is what I'm hearing. Yeah. Just accept ourselves for whatever is, our bodies are messy, sex is messy. Our bodies are different every day. They're never gonna be the same. Kind of shape or state or that we are never gonna feel the same in intimacy we might do and touch and play the same way that we did yesterday, and it just might not tick the same boxes for us. But yeah, there's a certain level of acceptance of, oh, that's just how it is today for me.

James: 53:39

Yeah. Yeah. I almost feel like messy links into the word rejection because as soon as you, how do me, you know about that. As soon as you step into rejection, your, the person who's being rejected, especially if they've got a childhood wound, is almost feeling that sense of all them emotions brought up from past childhood or the physical reaction to it all can be like, oh, and they almost wanna run away. How can we embrace that messiness within rejection Nice. In order to really step into our intimacy, our ourself and others.

Jem: 54:16

I don't, I never used the word rejection. That's been a helpful thing for me. So it's oh, they're not rejecting me. They're just saying no to my request. And actually I want my partner to say no to me at times.'cause that means that they're trustworthy. I don't want my partner to be a people pleaser and to just do things for me.'cause I've asked, because ultimately what that does is that reads resentment and that's, the death of a relationship and the death of a sex life. Saying yes to something you don't wanna do once or twice is maybe fine. But over the span of a 15 year marriage, that's not good. That's where sexual shutdown occurs. When we've said what yes one too many times and the body just goes, you don't wanna do this. Ultimately it's not rejection. It's ah, my partner's looking after themselves by saying, no, brilliant. I can trust them. I'm not gonna step over their boundaries'cause they've got this shit. So that's what's helpful for me when it comes to, when my partner says no to me because I want my partner to look after themselves. That means that I don't have to be in caretaking role for them.

James: 55:23

Did when I was in this festival romance, I noticed that as I've worked massively on rejection of the last nine, 10 years. But it's almost like it keeps com it keeps cropping up again and again, almost at another level kind of thing. And what I found is this time is that I always switching that people pleasing mode. And one of my friends, you probably know him, Roy from Sahi Dance, he, I was talking to him about it and he talked about getting in, getting into your base chakra. Getting yourself grounded, doing things which like Qigong and walking on grass to get yourself back into your body. Because once you're able to be in your base chakra and be grounded, you are centered. And there's almost that level of putting yourself first regardless of what happens. Put yourself first to self first. And I think it's so important and it's, and I think I've never been, I'm, I've always been on that spectrum of the people. Please, that's, they call it Mr. Nice guy, I think they call it nowadays. And that's something I've had to really work through. But I find that if you come back to yourself first and almost go around, not in a egotistical way, but in your own body and be in that safer presence, there's almost that kind of. You are in your frame. And when you're in your frame, there's a sense of connecting to your heart. And that's when I feel like your intuition can speak through it. That's when you can lead forward with greater ideas. Lean forward with leadership, lean forward with a sense of power. Self in the respect. Yeah. Yeah. Sense of self. And I think that's so powerful, but I feel like sometimes we get into that habit, especially if you are a people pleaser. Oh, I need to please that other person. So how can we switch from being a people pleaser and back into our frame, into ourself?

Jem: 57:44

I think first we need to notice how damaging being a people pleaser is. Like from the outside, we might think that actually it's a really good thing from a woman's point of view who's dated people, male people pleasers. It's exhausting. It's exhausting for me to make sure that they're looking after themselves, and it's exhausting for me to make sure that my request isn't stepping over their boundary. It's really damaging to be a people pleaser to yourself, to the relationship and to your partner. So it's actually, how can I notice that people pleasing isn't positive? It's not a good thing. There's this belief that, oh no, I'm such a giver. That actually if we are not getting our needs met, who asking for what we want and setting our boundaries and stating our desires, then we get our needs met in leaky ways instead by non consensually taking in one way or another. Yeah, the first thing is to notice what? There are benefits to people pleasing. Ultimately but for only for the person who's really the people pleaser, ultimately, it's quite a selfish thing being a people pleaser. It gives everyone else the responsibility and the hard work around them.

James: 59:00

Definitely. Definitely. It's almost a level of, so I'm in this wealth tribe and one thing the lady Taylor Eaton talked about, one of the challenges talks about is giving and receiving. Now in every transaction there is a giver and there is a receive, but UMB beings we're almost taught to give. Because if you give, you're gonna, people gonna be pleased with you. Quite often we struggle with the receiving. So if with a transaction you go into a shop, you will give money to the person on the till. The person on the till is receiving. But with regards to finances and wealth, we tend to do a lot of do all the time. We aren't allowing ourselves to receive. But when you get into that place of receiving, you almost create that equilibrium between giving and receiving. And I think that's the same with regards to sex, to do with je rejection, to do with boundaries. I think there's a sense of giving and receiving, which is so important.

Jem: 1:00:12

It means that we are not giving from a place of expectation. So when I'm giving to my partner, I can be really in service and really listening to what they want. And I'm not giving thinking it's my turn in a bit. Or maybe if I do this, I'll do the washing up for me. Because that's, that's with turning up with an agenda, which ultimately isn't helpful or healthy. So yeah, come back to myself, make sure that I'm fueled so that when I give, I'm giving from a really full place, not wanting to necessarily give, to be seen.

James: 1:00:52

The last thing I wanna cover before we finish is boundaries. Boundaries comes up all the time, but it's quite hard to know what a boundary is and how we can put boundaries in place. And I think quite a few topics we've talked about cover a lot of to do with boundaries. So what's your definition of a boundary and how do you personally put boundaries in place?

Jem: 1:01:23

So a boundary, what we need to remember is a boundary is something that we set for ourselves. It's not necessarily something for someone else. So instead of saying, I don't want you to do this, the boundary is I'm not gonna accept this, for example. So we're not telling other people what to do, and then they have a choice in how they change their behavior because ultimately all we can do is stick to figure out what is a good boundary for us. And quite often we don't do that. We look to the other person to guide us and go, what do you wanna do? Or what do you not okay with? Instead of really owning our desire and going right in this moment, what do I want? So first we need to figure out what we want, and then we figure out what our boundaries are around that. It just gives us the lines with which to color in between instead of having a completely blank canvas. So the boundaries are really helpful and can help creativity flow. I love a boundary. It can, and it also stops us from going into autopilot. It's I want you to touch all of my body except for my elbows, except for my feet, except for my breasts, and except for my pants, for example. And then we've gotta be like, oh, now I can't go into autopilot with this person's body. I've really gotta feel into what feels good for me within the boundaries that they've set,

James: 1:02:48

so how do, so somebody crosses your boundary. What? What do you do? Somebody crosses that boundary.

Jem: 1:02:53

It depends,'cause boundaries. There are different levels, aren't they? Someone puts sugar in my tea. I just like tip the tea away and make myself a new cup of tea. If it comes to figures, physical practices, then. It depends. It depends on the relationship that I have with that person. It depends on the history I have with that person. But the first thing is to have a conversation, to allow ourself to use our voice. Be like, oh, pause the boundaries. Just being crossed there. But hopefully we'll have already discussed and we've gotta figure out what we need in that moment to look after ourselves and how we can move through any challenging conversations that need to be had with that person. And it might be that you need external support to have that. It might be that you do just get, switch into fight or flight mode and you need to exit straight away. All of these are fine ways to respond, but it depends, boundaries is a massive topic more than we can cover in five minutes. That's like its own hour and a half podcast.

James: 1:03:50

It does definitely. And it

Jem: 1:03:50

depends on the, it depends on the size of the boundary and the context and the history you have with that person,

James: 1:03:57

Yeah. It's, it almost steps into the idea of conflict. But not necessarily a big fighting conflict. It could be just a conflict between two people. It could be a physical conflict. Thank you very much. Gem. How can people get in contact with you?

Jem: 1:04:15

Oh, thanks James. My website is the place. Best place to find me, gem airs.co uk or if you just Google Gem Sex Brighton, lots pops up. I'm all over the place, really online, but my website has got a free gifts page with loads of videos and audios and breathing practices and other interviews I've done. So yeah, there's lots of free information on my free gifts page for people to dive into that they might find helpful.

James: 1:04:48

Thank you very much.

1:04:52

Thanks for tuning in to Man a Quest. Find meaning if today's conversation sparked something in you, take a moment to reflect, then take a step. Remember, real growth comes from action, not just insight. If you found value in this episode, share it with a friend. Leave her a review, or reach out and let me know what resonated. Your feedback helps shape the journey we are on together. For more conversations like this, make sure to subscribe and stay connected. You can also follow me on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and LinkedIn for updates, tools, and upcoming guests. Remember. It's not about having the answers. It's about daring to look.