Why Your Mind Is Loyal to Your Old Version — and How to Change It Safely

We break down why change often feels impossible even for driven, self-aware people, and how the nervous system protects an old identity under pressure. We share a practical method to update that identity with small, safe steps that actually stick.

• calling out stale self-help and willpower myths
• the brain’s sacred rule to protect predictability
• identity as who we are under pressure
• body signals that reveal the old story
• people pleasing, self-sufficiency, and hiding feelings as safety strategies
• micro violations in low-stakes moments
• pairing breath and safety with new behavior
• repetition that retrains the autopilot
• a clear loop: notice, name, breathe, act, mark safety

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Transcript

Setting The Scene And Intent

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone, thank you so much for tuning in today. And this is my first podcast of the year 2056, and I'm obviously very excited about the very topic that we are driving into. And just to set the context, I am recording this from my bedroom. My mom is also here. She's been she will be spending three weeks here in Miami. We just came back from Europe four days ago, and today we are hopping back on a plane, going to Arizona. More specifically, we are visiting Sedona for the fourth time because it's absolutely our most favorite town. If you've never heard about Sedona, just Google it. It has this very beautiful red rocks. It's a very spiritual, small little town in the middle of Arizona. It's between basically Arizona and between Arizona, I say, between Phoenix and the Grand Canyon. And it's just absolutely stunning. So I am rushing to record this because I've also a client call in 45 minutes. I should also pack and work in my corporate job. So I have plenty of things to do, but I want to be consistent with you. And I also want to be consistent with, you know, the topics I'm sharing with you. And the topics that I'm sharing with you are something that I am geeking out on. And also that I think, because they are so eye-opening for me, I feel gatekeeping this information would do a disservice to you, to this podcast community, and also to society. Because I feel like there is so much BS out there with all this self-help, new year goal, reaching goals, um, New Year's resolutions. And um, I have bought into this. I have bought into this big times. I've also for sure taught it in a wrong way. I've taught it wrong to my clients, and obviously I've not done this from bad intentions. I just didn't know it better. And it wasn't just me being lazy not to dig into the right information. Maybe to some extent, yes. Uh, but also to some extent because this information isn't out there. And when you go and open your social media, be it Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, or YouTube, those algorithms are pushing out so much on how to reach goals, how to be more productive, how to grow, how to get unstuck. And those topics seriously give me the ick because it's always the same old information that I bought into or that I felt were eye-opening five, six, seven years ago. But research and also a lot of people digging really deep into this material about, you know, what the brain actually does or does not to help us grow. This is the kind of information that you just don't hear. And I since I'm geeking out on that, because one of the reasons that I'm geeking out on that is because I have seen that like personally, I am not I had such hard times changing habits, reviring patterns, and um I did all the right things. I thought I did all the right things, but I didn't understand um how my brain actually, my biology, is actually having a different agenda, and that growth to your brain is danger. And working against against your own biology, uh, it just does not work. It might work short term, but not long term. And I feel like the information and everything I'm sharing with you today might just do a better job for you to understand your biology from a different frame that you might have understood it prior. Because when you listen to this podcast, I know that you are someone who is deep into, you know, your personal development, you want to grow, you want to change things in your life, you wanna strive for very like for for goals and for your desires and dreams. And I want to be part of your journey, but I don't want to position myself as the expert. Because, you know, I am learning with you, and what I'm whatever I learn, and also like all the failures that I kind of step into, I want to openly share. Because sometimes sharing is helping not for you to have a shortcut, but to make failure more as something not to be ashamed of, something that is necessary for growth. Uh, you might even have had the same traps that I stepped into. So we make that more, you know, something more common than oh my god, I failed in this. I will not share that because I don't want to be seen as someone who is failing. No, I actually want to share where I'm failing and where I actually found something that's working for me. And while whatever works for me is not always what works for you, you know, it might just help you to expand your horizon or do things in your way. You know, you adapt things that I tell you that worked for me, and you adapt it to how it works best for you. But without further ado, I just want to not just really get into the whole topic of why the story of your body refuses to let you grow. And in the beginning, now I just want to be very brutally honest with you. I have tried to change the last 15 years a lot of things. I tried to change habits, relationships, patterns of thought processes. I was I wanted to change the way how I'm showing up in a world. And I have tried, tried, tried, and I have succeeded in some, and I've also failed in some repeatedly. And there comes a lot of frustration, heartbreak, and also that sinking feeling of why can't I get this right? And you know, that is a very personal journey for all of us. And I realized something terrifying when I started coaching. It's actually not just terrifying, it was also liberating on one hand, because I realized it's not just me who fails in certain changes that I wanna undertake. I also noticed that in my clients, who are honestly the most brilliant, most motivated, most self-aware women I've ever met. And I realized that they hit the same wall. So they try to change, they fail. And of course, you might have had that in your life. When you fail in changing something, you resort to often blaming yourself, and then the cycle keeps repeating. And here's the uncomfortable uncomfortable truth. And I want you to really pay attention right now, because that really hit me so deep up in my core, and that did something with me. So your brain has a sacred, untouchable rule, a rule it will always follow, even when it's actively keeping you stuck, even when it's sabotaging your happiness, your peace, your love life, your confidence, and the future that you say you want. Another thing that I want you to really, really remember, because that is very, very key ingrained in your biology, and it is important whenever you want to change something inside of you. Your brain does not care about your success. It does not care about your dreams, and it just also doesn't care if you finally get the life you've been chasing for years. Do you know what uh your brain, your biology really cares about? It's very simple. And you might guessed it already. So what it cares about is predictability, comfort, and protecting the story it believes about you. And that is very, very important. Because the person that you might think you are, the person you want to also be, might get completely rejected by your own nervous system. And you don't even realize why. And this is also not conscious. So I'm making the unconscious conscious so that you might, you know, translate this into your past failures and how things haven't gone so well. And um, whenever you have a knot in your stomach, when you have a tight chest, when you have a racing, panicky thought, like, I can't do this. Whatever it is, you know, you might be doing a public speaking gig, you want to become an entrepreneur, you know, you want to put yourself out there, you want to ask for a promotion, all those things that are very difficult to do. And then you have, like, you know, for example, you're getting red in your face, you get hot and cold, because maybe you have a hard conversation to step into. So all those bodily kind of sensations, that is your brain screaming, danger. And it's also telling you that you're violating your story. And I will get into this in a bit. Hang on with me. So the very thing you're trying to do, be it the growth that you crave crave, that is actually threatening your survival wiring in your brain. The truth or being authentic feels dangerous to you. Being wrong in a conversation, that also feels catastrophic. And change, oh my god, that feels completely risky to your brain. So if you have ever felt trapped in your own patterns, blamed yourself or failing or wondered why change very often feels impossible, no matter how hard you try, then this episode is for you. Because today we are going to get really, really honest about something most people don't talk about. And that is why growth or change feels impossible sometimes, even when you are a very self-aware, highly motivated, very intelligent person. And you are following people's blueprints, recipes, process steps. So basically, you're telling yourself, hey, I'm doing everything right. And maybe short-term things are really working out for you, but then you notice midterm, long-term, you are falling off the bandwagon of the things that you want to have changed. So if that's you, then you are here with me in the right episode. And I also want to tell you, you are not lazy. If you are failing in something, it's not because you are lazy. Even if you feel like, oh, I haven't been putting a lot of effort into this. We often think we are complacent or we're getting complacent, we're getting lazy, or we just, you know, somehow we just don't change. And that's, you know, that's not true. Often it's because you lack insight. Um, it's not because you aren't trying hard enough. It's because of some of the things that I'm going to tell you that might help you for the change you want to undertake. So it's because everything you do, so every habit, every action, or reaction even, or choice under pressure, that is shaped by something unconscious and deeper than your mind. And that is called your identity. And that's why today we're talking about identity. And this is not the fluffy who I want to be kinder, but the very hidden automatic kind. So it's basically that kind of identity that predicts your behavior under pressure, hijacks all your good intentions, and actually secretly keeps you stuck. So that is why this episode is super, super precious. And I'm going to refer all my clients to listen to this. So if you're one of my clients and you do what I said, I am congratulating you because that is such a good, helpful episode to listen to. And if you are not my client and you're listening to this too, kudos to you. Because there's a bunch of information rolling into your ears right now, and it might be overwhelming for some. And I try to do this in bite-sized shorter episodes, but sometimes I can't break it down. So I hope it's not going to be too much. So because until you understand how your nervous system, your brain protects your identity, again, the identity that you're not conscious of, but you will be conscious of today. So all the self-help, all the Tony Robin Robin's courses, goals, everything that he does, and all the others that follow. And I have deepest respect for him, for his work, what he does for the people, and all the other coaches. But all these just try harder, or you need to want it badly enough advice that we have all blasted on social media. That is just, you know, waiting through quicksand. I have been doing a lot of Tony Robbins things. I have seen people paying shitloads of money for that, often thousands of dollars. And um honestly, I have not seen they accomplishing some of their goals or identity changes that they wish they have undertaken. So this is not because the courses or people who deliver those courses is aren't doing a great job. It's because of all the things I'm sharing with you today that's keeping them stuck. And I also just want to be very honest with you. I am struggling to change my scrolling on social media. It's been becoming so much better. But mind you, when I'm under pressure, when I'm upset, when I'm not feeling well, I am noticing I'm using my device way more than I should. So that is also one of the things why that led me down the rabbit hole to get the right information and recording this podcast, because this information helps me now to understand a few things much better. But let's go into what identity really is. So we have just talked about how your brain has this very sacred rule, this untouchable story, it will protect no matter what. And now let's get to the to the core of what that makes change so damn damn hard. So it all comes down to your identity. And I need you to hear me clearly. Because I was wrong here for the past 10 years, and I want to correct that for me and also for you. And if you already know everything I'm sharing, you are a superhero. So identity is not what you think it is, uh, because it's not your goals, it's not your values, it's not even the person you wish you could be. Identity is this internal story that your nervous system uses to predict your behavior under pressure, under stress. So basically, when your brain is on autopilot, and you pretty well know when your brain is on autopilot and one and once it's not. So if you're driving a car, you are driving mostly on autopilot because you've done this over and over again. We're talking about another kind of autopilot. Because when you are under pressure, when you are stressed, how are you reacting? Can you think of a situation? I can tell you in a moment, but can you think of a situation where you have been super stressed? Maybe you have heard a bad news. Maybe you woke up and you had two nights in a row interrupted because your your child is sick, your child didn't sleep, or you were just pissed because you didn't get to get the pay raise, or maybe you're triggered. Maybe your spouse has deeply triggered you, or your child, or your mother-in-law, or whatnot. So whenever you're triggered and you are under pressure, the way you react, like react, often we react. We are not consciously taking an action, we react. That is your identity. So your nervous system doesn't care about any of your intentions, about your good intentions. It doesn't care if you want to act differently. So for me, for example, my husband and I, we have one thing where we fight, and that is almost always guaranteed, until I just started to change something. But when my husband gets irritated, that energy triggers the shit out of me. And especially then when he starts to criticize me, I my nervous system gets a freak out. I go into survival, I go usually into fight because I'm defending myself, I'm pushing back, and that makes everything so much worse. And once I have really understood that who I am under pressure is my identity. Who that's who I really am. It's not me, you know, when I'm talking to my clients in I'm like regulated and I'm helping them succeed, or you know, giving them a sacred safe space to cry their hearts out, or where I'm helping them, you know, change and revire patterns. I thought that's who I am. But who I am behind closed doors when shit hits the fan, when I'm getting absolutely triggered, that is actually what my identity is. So that is a big pillow to swallow. And you know, this is something that I want you to really think who you are when you're under pressure, when you're lashing out, when you're I know, getting defensive, or when you freeze, when you people please. It's not always about lashing out. It's about when you start to people please. When you don't say no, when you actually wanna say no. That's when you go to yes, and when you're afterwards, you're like, why did I say yes? Why did I agree to this? So your brain wants you to be safe and it cares about uh predictability and familiarity. And I want to still think about it like this. If growing up you learned that saying no caused fights, disappointment or punishment, even your brain predicts when someone asks me something for something, I will just say yes, even if I don't want to. That is what your brain learned is the safe safest option. Especially as women or as girls, we are taught not to say no. Very often our parents were like, I mean, sometimes for good reasons, for our safety, but very often we also observe how my how the parents interact with each other. And that says also so much about everything. Or if you if you were ever teased or criticized for for crying, maybe that was a case for you. Your brain predicts, oh, when I feel hurt, I'll I'll stay quiet and I just like kind of hide my feelings. I'm not revealing what I'm actually feeling. Or when you, for example, been praised for handling things alone or independently, your brain goes into prediction. When I need help, I'll try to figure things out myself. Asking is too risky. It is showing that I'm too weak. And this is not happening just because one time you got praised for doing things alone. It's a repeated thing, right? It's not something, you know, you've been one time teased or criticized for crying. It's an ongoing thing. And your brain learns through that pain that the safest way is not to reveal how you actually feel. Or if keeping the peace was valued in your family more than speaking your authentic truth, your brain says, okay, when there's conflict, I'll avoid it. I'll avoid conflict overall. Or I just agree because that's where I'm staying safest. I think you're getting the taste of what I'm trying to translate here. Or if, for example, you being liked was tied to being agreeable, not rocking the boat, your brain says, like, okay, well, even when I'm frustrated or annoyed or really angry, I'll try I just gloss over it, I smile, and I accommodate the other person because safety matters. Okay, and all those things, all those examples that I gave you, is that these everything is automatic. It's not something you consciously think, it's not something you consciously decide. You might think you are making a conscious choice. And often you might do or take a conscious choice, but under pressure, no, your nervous system, your brain, it takes over. So the real you that you see in a mirror, the one who wants to speak up in meetings, that wants to speak up in in a conversation to a friend, to a spouse, to a child, the one who wants to set boundaries, or even ask for help. Your nervous system might flat out reject that person. So all this aspirational, I wanna set boundaries, I wanna I wanna tell the truth, or I wanna just be more genuine, more authentic. Your nervous system, depending on your history, your upbringing, the pain and the trauma, you might just say F you. Of course we're not gonna do that. So let me let me make this even more real. Because I've seen this in myself over and over. I have to try I have tried changing patterns in my life. For example, the scrolling one is the latest thing. I just I just want to get off my devices. I don't want to do this doom scrolling. And I have tried new ways of of of of showing up and doing this. But my brain, it fought me every step of the way. I have felt kinda kinda trapped in my own body sometimes and in my own head, as if my intentions were irrelevant, as if I wouldn't have any intentions. And I know, again, for my clients the same as I said initially. And my clients often blame themselves. They feel like they are broken when in reality their nervous system is just doing its job, and the job is always the same for each and one of us. It's you are not an exception, I'm not an exception. Our nervous system is keeping us safe by sticking to the one story it knows. Sorry, my dog is snoring behind me, so I hope it's not too bothersome. Hey Naboo, can you stop snoring? It bothers me. Because I don't want this to be in my recordings. Anyway, I'm not cutting this out. I'm being real, it's how it actually is when you record and you have pets around you. Back to the topic. So your nervous system predicts your behavior. Your mind, brain, nervous system is always predicting, predicting, predicting, predicting. And it protects the story it believes about you. And until you understand that, you are trying to change in the darkness and you're expecting a miracle. So there's a hopeful part here. Because once you see this, you can start working with your brain. And then in a very slow way, because changes are never radical, because often when we see, like, oh, I've changed, you know, I've quit this or I've done this, that might not always be long term. So slowly, safely, and also effectively. Because, you know, so far I haven't been changing slowly, safely, and effectively. I've always changed radically and might not have done it the best way. And I also want to tell you that always when you are about to change something in you, celebrate small changes. Because small changes are the biggest victories. Because the big changes that we see other people talk about, they might have just glossed over those small micro steps and also the time it took them to achieve their goals. Okay, so now we're going to dig into the sacred role of your brain that I mentioned before and why violating it feels like absolute danger for your brain. And trust me, once you see this, everything about your patterns, your frustrations, and your failures will start to really make sense. So okay. The sacred rule is don't violate the story. That is the sacred rule of your brain. And the story is because you might have asked yourself, what is Martina talking about all the time about story? What does that mean? So the story your brain wants to protect is who you must be to feel safe, attached, and regulated. So once your system, brain, nervous system, locks onto this very story, it will protect it fiercely. Even when that story, for example, who you must be to feel safe, attached, and regulated is often people pleasing, for example. I'm just using this as an example. And people pleasing that keeps you stuck. It also contradicts your reality and is holding you back from the life you want. No people pleaser is telling me that who they have the life they really want. So I'll give you some examples to make this more tangible because I know when I read it the first few times, I was like, what story? What does that mean? So again, the story of your nervous system that keeps it locked and doesn't violate it is who you must be to feel safe, attached, and regulated. So your identity story could be. So your identity story can be, so I'm the dependable one who keeps everyone happy. So you you are in a situation where your co-worker, for example, asks you to take on extra work. Your nervous system says, Yes, say yes, don't rock the boat, don't be seen as the asshole, or someone who doesn't go the extra mile. So as a result, you agree immediately, even though you already know you have way more than enough work already, and then in secret you resent that you said yes, or that your coworker, your boss asked you to take on extra work. Another identity story that your nervous system might want to protect by all means. For example, I see a lot of women feeling like on saying, hey, I am independent, I can do it all myself. I don't need a man, I don't need a family, I don't need anything. The situation you might find yourself often in is that you feel overwhelmed by, for example, a big project, be it in your work, maybe in your self-employed, you are completely overwhelmed by being self-employed, right? And your nervous system kind of protects the story and says, asking for help is unsafe. It makes you look weak or even incompetent. Result? You struggle alone, you're exhausted, you are drained, you're frustrated, even though support is available. And you don't know how often my coach people or women specifically on this. I'm an independent woman, I cannot ask anyone because I don't want to be seen as incompetent. Well, maybe it's part of your story. It's definitely part of mine. So I've completely changed that, and I'm not pretending to be an expert anymore in anything because I love getting support. I love asking people for the point of view. Okay, uh, one last one I wanna explain to you might be familiar to you because it's a big one. The identity story might be I don't show my feelings. I will never be vulnerable. I will always pretend I have it all together. So, for example, your bestie or your husband, or maybe your mother is asking if everything is right, they notice that you're upset, so they asks, they ask what's wrong, or if they can help, or if there's anything that you want to share, and your nervous system says, no, being vulnerable is dangerous. And the result is you brush everything off or you make a joke, even though talking could actually really feel relieving to you. But you are so, you know, your nervous system knows that in the past you have shared things and you got either betrayed or being laughed at, mocked, disrespected for it, or being taken advantage of. So we all know that then your nervous system is like, okay, showing my true feelings will backfire. Maybe you have noticed some of the patterns already in what I've described. And um I also want to tell you that your brain is not judging you, it's just protecting the story. It knows for many, many years. So these predictions about you know what your nervous system will tell you will happen if you, for example, share your feelings. This all happens automatically before you even have the time to think, even before you start to use your prefrontal cortex. It that's the brain center in the front of your head that helps you to reason, that helps you with, you know, being more logic, that helps you to just sit back and take your time. So, and that is all also why even if you're the most self-aware person and you've been the most self-aware since you've been birthed, that alone is just not it. It's not enough. Because the real you under pressure is running on an autopilot, and that is not the easiest to change. So just let me just take a sip of coffee. And again, your nervous system's first priority is always consistency over growth and consistency in your story. So, why violating this identity feels so dangerous? Why is it that when I work with clients to unwire the pattern of people pleasing, of saying no instead of yes, why does it feel so dangerous? Okay, changing behavior is actually scary. I think we can all sign that part. Because for example, I was freaking scared of public speaking. I was so scared in group calls to raise my hand and ask a question. You don't know how much scared I was. Four or five years ago when I was in all those coaching certificates, uh certification programs and we had Q ⁇ A calls with our mentors, do you really think it was easy for me to raise my hand and ask a question? Do you know how scared I was to look dump and stupid? Do you know how long it took me to change this? I was if I forced myself to show up and ask a question, I was shaking, I was mumbling, stuttering, I was hot and cold, and I felt deeply ashamed and embarrassed, and I thought I think everyone will think I'm stupid for asking such a question, such a simple, basic question, until I realized that every time someone else asked the question, it was actually a game changer for me because I'm like, oh wow, that's a great question. Or the mentor expanded on a question that actually helped the whole cohort. And it took me so long to change that because in my past I was ridiculed, mocked, made fun of when asked questions. I was told, literally in school, I was stupid for getting for asking a question. And also, do you know how often some of my teachers in the past have told me that by the question I asked, it just shows that I have not studied, I have not learned, that I have not got the chapter that we have been discussing for weeks. Um yeah, that really did me a disservice. So your nervous system reacts before your prefrontal cortex gets the memo. And here's what's happening: your brain has this default story, a set of predictions about who you are and how you respond when things feel high stakes or uh when a situation is stressful or uncertain. And this story built over years to keep you safe. So what I'm trying to say, this story is not built with a single incident. It's not built yesterday, it's been built over years. So by uh this store like by those incidents is happening all the time. So for me, my story. I had so many stories that my brain really did not violate, but one of them, oh gosh, was for years was I must always appear competent and calm. My god, my god, I never wanted to make a mistake. I always when someone asked me a question that didn't know about it, I print that either pretended to know about it or I did all the research and then came up with the answer because I always wanted to be seen as competent. I never wanted to make a mistake, and I hit errors, I overcompensated for losses or mistakes I did. Yeah, and it was really hard for me to admit that I made a mistake. So that's what's happening here. Um yeah, I'm just curious now. I wish I could hear what you have to say, if what I'm sharing makes sense, if it's too much of condensed information all at once. I just thought, you know, I mean, it's hard for me because when I record a podcast, I don't see a reaction, I don't see if you actually lose interest in focus because it's like, okay, it's too much information I zone out, or if you're super geeking out on this, or if you have plenty of questions because I can't answer them, you're like, okay, it doesn't make sense to you to me. But then I really encourage you to maybe listen relisten to this again because this is not, you know, for you, for some of you, it might stick right away, but for some of you it's like, okay, I think I need to re listen to it as well. And I also tell you that I have a transcript. So when you feel like that just listening to this, because often I want to read things, there's a transcript for you. So if you're not an auditory person and you feel like complex topics are better explained when you read them, let check on Apple. Podcast a transcript, it should it should be there. We are now 40 minutes in and we are coming to a close. Um, but before we close, I want to dive into how to update your identity without fighting your brain and your biology. So, because I hope that by this point you didn't lose any hope, because there is big hope for you to actually change your identity. And again, we are changing the identity that you are or that you have under pressure, okay? But we don't do this by prude force, obviously, right? Forcing ourselves to do something might help one time, but not long term, so it's not sustainable. We are also not doing this by trying harder. That's also for some of us the story, you know, you just need to try harder, and it's also not faking it till you make it, because that is the biggest BS of the century. So, how do you do it? Usually the best is to do it with a coach or with a therapist or maybe with an accountability partner who you teamed up with for you know growing together. And this is not now me upselling any of my work, or my god, would never do that in my podcast. This is just between you and me, where I'm sharing what I know, what helped me, what I feel might help you. It's not selling myself here, but it's my work, it's my work as a coach. And you also can do that by yourself because I'm pretty sure you have managed tremendous things in your life. You're a very resilient person, you are a badass. And while this is not a walk in the park, you you can't do that alone. And you can do it by teaching your nervous system, your brain, that the new behavior that you are that you want to adopt is actually safe. So for most of my clients, uh the new behavior is you know, being self-confident and self-trusting. And before they become self-confident, become self-trusting. And self-trusting in that their opinion matters, that their no is a no, and that they don't have to appease, please, anyone to keep things afloat. So we are consciously micro-violating the story, right? The story that keeps us safe. And we do this with very small exposure. I don't think I've ever taught my clients that, oh, you know, next time someone asks you, just say no. This is this is not the smartest way how to do that, because you need to practice a new behavior in low-stakes moments. Not when your boss asks you to, you know, to take on extra work. It might be saying no when your spouse asks you to um do something additional where you feel like I have to say no. I know maybe this is not the best example, but I hope you get it. Maybe it's when your bestie reaches out to you and asks if you have time tomorrow to catch up on a coffee, and you usually say yes. Maybe those are the low-sticks moments where you say, No, it actually doesn't work. I need a day or two at least in advance, or a week, whatever it is. So maybe it's about expressing a preference to yeah, your bestie, your spouse, your significant daughter, whoever that is, and then you notice that you survived that. Maybe your spouse is a little bit annoyed or like not happy about your no. Maybe your bestie is like you need time in advance. You said no, what's this? But you kind of notice that they're accepting it, or that you find a compromise, and that this was actually not too bad. I have to very often with clients when they do something well, they come back to me and say, like, oh my god, I said no to this person. And I'm always like, Okay, let's go back and feel this moment, the moment of when you said no and the victory afterwards, and how sweet this tasted, that you finally said no. And then I always tell them, and now mark that moment in your brain that this was safe because no one was flashing out, no one was quitting the friendship, no one was telling you a bad person. It just worked. Okay, so first of all, small exposures, okay. Then pair safety with change. Reassure, as I already mentioned, your nervous system through breathing, supporting, and observing. For example, I you ask for help even though you feel like, oh my god, it might look like I'm incompetent, you are breathing into this. And you're observing that the other person that you're asking for support for the first time, or you ask the question, is so happy to help you. And they being so helpful, so like finally she's asking, and finally I can help, and of course I'm here for you. You see how happy that other person is and how good it feels to feel supported. And I want you to repeat this until predicted. Because if you keep on doing this, if you keep on saying more no instead of yes, if you keep on um asking for support or asking questions, as I did in group calls, if I I kept on asking one question each call, suddenly at some point, this consistency rewired itself into my nervous system. Because each safe violation, and I know this feels like an oxymoron, the safe violation, but each time I asked a question in the group, and every time my mentor said, Wow, that is a great question, or I am so glad you asked, or someone else pinged and said, Oh my God, thank you so much for asking this question. Each safe violation updates that story your brain tells itself. Because now, when I'm in a group call and I have a question, I might sometimes feel like, oh my God, is this actually good to ask? And I still do it. Because you need to consistently be behind it so to not fall back into the old pattern. And over time, your nervous system really learns, oh, asking for help is safe. Oh, speaking my truth is actually safe. I can be seen without being emotionally, socially harmed. And that's how identity truly shifts. That doesn't go along, like it's not happening with thought alone, but with this embodied evidence where you feel like, wow, I just did something else and it didn't backfire on me. So the key is micro-violation of the story. So again, first small exposures, practice in the new behavior that you want to adopt in very low stakes moment. Pair safety with change. So reassure your nervous system with breathe with your breath support and observation, right? That nothing can nothing happens if I do X, Y, C. And repeat until your brain predicts. Okay? So until it predicts that, for example, if you have practiced saying no a couple of times, and next time someone asks again, your brain predicts you are saying no when you mean it. So these are the practical takeaways that you can use today. So a small recap here, and then we are closing for today. I want you A to notice your story. Pay attention to the identity script, kinda, that's running you in your behavior under under pressure. So we're only talking about all those when I say high-stakes moments, like high pressure, stressful moments. So ask yourself, what story is my brain telling me right now? What role am I defaulting into? For example, I have to keep everyone happy, or I cannot say no because I want to be loved, I want to be seen as this helpful person. Tune into your body when that happens. Your nervous system signals when the old story is showing up. It just you just notice. Because you notice that with when you're test test, when your chest gets tight, when you have this kind of knot in your stomach, that rock in your stomach, racing saw, racing thoughts, or kind of the urge uh urge to kind of flee the scene to maybe justify yourself or overexplain. So remember that these are never your weaknesses. These are just clues that your brain is protecting its familiar story. And then I want you to name it out loud. So saying things verbally helps your nervous system separate you from the old story. So you can say, oh, here's my old story showing up. This isn't the truth. It's my brain on autopilot. And then take a micro star step to contradict the story, right? This microviolation. So do something small, low risk, and safe with a person that you really trust, uh, but it still goes against the default pattern. So if your story is, if your story is I can say no, try politely declining a small request. Something that you feel like I can do this. Not something big or something smaller. If your story is, for example, I cannot show my emotion, share a tiny feeling with someone. You can say, you know, I'm feeling maybe you're not ready to say that you're feeling jealous, but maybe you're ready to say I feel sad. I feel disappointed. So try it with smaller kind of emotions. Um again, keep it tiny. May the micro steps are so important because because the goal here is consistency and not being a hero. Okay? Tiny micro steps. Even if you feel like, oh my god, that's gonna not change anything, it does. Because over time you revire with tiny micro moments, micro changes your entire nervous system. And then yeah, observe the safety and celebrate your survival. And that is so key. And it's the last point. I want you to notice that nothing catastrophic is happening, and that your nervous system starts recording of like, oh, maybe asking is actually okay, or saying no doesn't destroy relationships, feeling vulnerable doesn't end the world. So this is feedback that your brain needs to revive rewrite its predictions, okay? So, and I want you to repeat, repeat, and repeat. Each small safe step helps you revire your nervous system. And over time, well, your nerve your new behavior becomes predictable, familiar, and fully and healthily integrated into your system. And that old story that you might have bought into for 30, 40, 50, 60 years, well, that's kind of losing its grip. And I want you now, while I'm closing off the podcast, to know that identity isn't who you say you are. It's who your nervous system predicts you will be under pressure, under stressful situations. Because your brain will protect that story, even if it's the very thing that's maybe destroying part of the life that you really want to have, and that you can have. Okay, so I feel it in my throat that I've been speaking for almost an hour. I know it's been an intense podcast today with lots of information. I hope that has been super helpful for you. I you can always ping me on Instagram at FemMagical, but you can also here in the podcast, underneath the podcast episode description, send me a message. You can tell me, well, that this has been super helpful or that this was something that was harder to grasp, because I can dive into this even deeper and taking out micro topics here to expand on, share with me. It's always helpful because you know, talking to myself here on this podcast and not getting your reaction is kind of hard. But yeah, that's just what podcasting is about. Um, and I'm learning as I'm recording. So if you have feedback for me, always appreciate it. So thanks for spending this time with me. I want you to let this whole thing sit. Just it let your unconscious kind of take that all in and notice your stories, your predictions of your brain and nervous system, and your sacred rule. Your brain will not violate. And then when it feels safe, start gently rewriting them. Okay, I want you to. No, I don't want you anything. I just want you to sit with this as that before and let me know if you have any feedback on this. And I'll hear you next time. I'm now going to Sedona. I'm going to park, have my client, and finish my corporate work. And I wish you a wonderful weekend. Thanks for tuning and see you next week, my love. Bye.