I Do Me, Boo

Why Hard Conversations Suck — And It’s Not a You Problem

• Season 1 • Episode 36

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In this episode, I’m breaking down why hard conversations don’t just feel uncomfortable — they feel dangerous.

Not because you’re dramatic.

Not because you lack confidence.

But because your nervous system learned, early on, that honesty could cost you connection.

If you’ve ever frozen, gone quiet, over-explained, or said “it’s fine” when it wasn’t — this isn’t a mindset issue. It’s biology.

We’ll talk about why your body reacts before your logic can catch up, how early attachment and social conditioning shape silence, and the invisible costs of staying quiet — at home, at work, and in your closest relationships.

I’ll also walk you through a gentle, practical way to begin challenging these patterns — not by forcing confidence, but through regulation, small exposures, and repair — so truth and connection no longer feel mutually exclusive.

In this episode, we cover:

• why difficult conversations are defined by consequence, not topic

• how early attachment shapes freeze, fawn, and people-pleasing

• the real cost of silence in relationships and leadership

• why “just be confident” is incomplete advice

• how to reframe discomfort as unfamiliar — not unsafe

• how evidence and repair rebuild trust in your voice


If this episode resonated, share it with someone who struggles to speak up, subscribe to the podcast, and pass it on — because these are conversations most people were never taught to understand



Got a thought, reaction, or moment this episode stirred up? Send me a note. I read every message — and sometimes they shape future episodes.

Follow Martina on Instagram @femmagical for behind-the-scenes content, updates, and more!

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Also, share this episode with friends and family who need a reminder about the importance of health and boundaries.


Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice.

SPEAKER_00:

Today we are talking about why difficult conversations feel so life-threatening for so many women, including myself. Because this is not theory for me. This is something I have lived for for minimum 30 years of my life. Until I'm actually rewired my system in a way that I'm craving sometimes those difficult conversations, because for me, difficult conversations have been definitely life-threatening. It's been something I have avoided like the past. It's something that has been avoided in my core family. So I hardly remember any difficult conversations. And if they happen, they have happened in a very dysregulating way, of you know, my parents being superior and me being like more on the receiving end, but not in a kind way, often in a very, very demeaning way. And I have hardly witnessed my parents having difficult conversations. So for me, difficult conversations were just not on my agenda. Um, all I knew about them were that they were horrible, that they should be avoided at all costs, and they are not safe. Because if I stepped into one, maybe because someone drew me into it, it was where I sonn out, where I went blank, where I forgot, you know, my points, where I froze and I didn't know what to say. I just kind of it felt like I got disconnected from my head and all I knew was just nothing. So that's definitely something I have lived. And um, working with women since the past five years, I have noticed that this is not only my experience, this is the experience of most of the women I worked with or that I do know. And I also want to say that if you are one of this, then this is a perfect episode for you. So, and that is you know something that I see in other women, you know, having troubles with women that I sit across from in my coaching practice, for example. And these are not insecure women, these are women who run companies, who lead teams, who hold families together, who think and feel very deeply, and really handle more than most people will ever see. Especially if you are a woman and you are maybe also a mom, you know that behind the scenes we women hold together quite a lot. And women, you know, who on paper are powerful and yet, you know, put them into a power into a difficult conversation with a partner, with a parent, with a boss, with their besties, with a friend. And something really strange happens because, as I said before, that happened with me in the past, their mind goes blank, kinda their voice disappears, their chest tightens, their throat closes. And I I I'm pretty sure you know what I'm telling you now, but this is also where we women say that it's fine when the situation is not fine, when you laugh, when you are actually hurt, or where you agree when your entire body is saying no, no, no. And then you leave the conversation and you are angry, not at the other person, you are angry at yourself, and later on you are replaying the moment because that is what the brain does, right? If there is a difficult conversation and it hasn't led to any good outcome, good conclusion, a repair after, because it's sometimes important to have a repair in this conversation, then the mind has this open loop and it's replaying this conversation over and over. And what happened to me very often was where I've asked myself, why couldn't I just say this? So I replayed the conversation and then I came up with, oh my god, this is such a great word, or this is exactly the statement that would have put the other person in its place, or where I would have won that conversation, or where I felt like I knew exactly what I wanted to say, so I've prepared myself for the conversation. I pre-played this conversation over and over in my head, knowing exactly what I wanted to say. And yeah, then I was right in the conversation and everything vanished. And I felt often like a five-year-old, a six-year-old, a seven-year-old, or I felt like I have no power, or I have not, I'm not able to express myself. I didn't even comprehend what was going on. And um what breaks my heart about all this is that almost every single woman I work with thinks this means something is wrong with her, that she is now an adult, but she just hasn't gotten the kind of the learning how to handle relationships and the intricacies of it, because relationships are so difficult. And a lot of women, and maybe you are one of them, you might think like that you are weak in that regard, that you are also a very bad communicator. You see other people communicate so eloquently, especially on social media, and think like, oh my god, they didn't have the best words, they they just know what to say. But you know, then you draw the wrong comparisons here because every person, you know, has high stakes in difficult conversations, it's required in our biology, which I will get into later on, because I want you to understand and leave this conversation with me. This episode, knowing that this is your biology, not to use this as an excuse, not to work on this, but to understand that you are not weak, that you're not a bad communicator, or that you are emotionally immature, or that you have a confidence issue. And so you stop trying to fix yourself or fix yourself in your head thinking, oh my god, I need to, you know, take a course or I need to go to a therapist. You know, sometimes that is helpful. But you know, we tend to go into fixing and to, you know, especially fixing ourselves, and it's about more like reading all the self-help books, which 95% of them are all BS. I have read most the bulk and the the most popular, and I just tell you, yeah, whatever. But what I wanted to say is you go and listen to podcasts and you practice maybe scripts, or again, you are replaying this all in your head, and everywhere you turn, there's the same advice that sounds great, but it's absolutely not helpful. And the advice is like be more confident, speak up, set better boundaries, and practice assertiveness. And this is all great, and it sounds empowering, but it's wildly incomplete. That is why I'm also recording this podcast episode. And you know what? I'm selfish about it. I'm not just doing it for you, even though this is my priority, but I'm also doing it for me to remind myself, my different parts in myself, that difficult conversations are necessary and very difficult, and what we can do about it. So it's also a reminder for me. And here is the part no one talks about this at all. So, and that is, for example, that difficult conversations and being maybe not as good at it because you know, where where did you learn that? I I don't know anyone, and if you were one of them, please please come forward and speak to me how you learned that. Most people or most women have not learned that, okay? They don't know how to handle difficult conversations, and every differ every conversation is different because there are no same nervous systems, right? Your nervous system is different than mine, mine is different than Susie's and Isabella's. So we are wildly different. So, again, here's what no one talks about. This is not a confidence problem, it's not a problem about your personality, and it's also not necessarily a communication skills problem, which is often portrayed in all those social media posts that oh, if you are signing up for my course, I will show you how to do that. It is more about your nervous system and um an attachment problem. And I will go more into this while we proceed in this episode. And you know, it it matters for far more than most people realize and want to realize because research shows the women who chronically avoid difficult conversations, and let's be honest, we all do, we all don't want to sit there, we all don't want to initiate them, and we all don't want to endure them. And the people who avoid them are more likely to report chronic stress and anxiety, they are more likely to experience resentment ongoing and also emotional burnout, which is obviously a fact and something that really exists, they are more likely to feel invisible in relationships, more likely to desire more intimacy, um, and also are stagnant professionally. Because if even if your private life is smooth and there is not much rupture or repair happening, because everything is smooth sailing, which I doubt because privately I had to deal with so many difficult conversations, but then obviously that bleeds into your professional career because having difficult conversations with your boss or maybe with your employees is absolutely crucial for you to, you know, get going, to get what you want, especially in corporate America or corporate in general. Difficult conversations, it can just be about it that the most typical one is the pay raise, right? Isn't that the one that we tend to, as women especially tend to avoid the most? When I talk to my male counterparts, they talk about pay raise every second or third year because there's always something that they do more or they feel like they deserve it. And with women, I'm more like, oh no, I'm fine with what I'm getting, you know. So I know I'm guilty of this, and I also will make a whole episode around this one because it's so important. So even though you know there is so much at stake, especially also health-wise, no one is teaching women or girls, like early on why this happens. I like almost no one is explaining what's actually going on in the body, because this is not just a mindset thing, and I hate when people say it's all about mindset, because if it was that easy, then we all would have a different mindset, but it's our biology, and fighting our biology burns us out, it just makes things often worse. And as no one's really explaining what's going on, uh you might just quietly blame yourself constantly. And your nervous system learned very early on to build a survival system, and that's built very intelligently, and that's also built to protect connection. And until we all understand that women will keep thinking they lack courage when in reality their bodies, your body, my body, are simply trying very, very faithfully to keep you safe. And today I want to explain exactly how that happens. And I want to start by framing what a difficult conversation is, because if I say difficult conversation, you might already feel a body response, you might have a tighter chest, you might, you know, get hot, you might feel a tingling sensation in your body somewhere. And um, that alone speaks loudly, and I know because when I say difficult conversation, I was like, I swallow, and I'm like, oh my god, I get a dry throat. And um so let's take a breather. Maybe you need one. I definitely want to take one. Because honestly, difficult conversations have been one of my it's definitely been my Achilles um yeah, spots, you know, where I was where you could wound me the most. So there's a lot behind it. But I want to just now start with, you know, understanding what we mean with a difficult conversation, because in psychology, a difficult conversation does not mean drama. That's what we experienced very often, because very often a conversation where you want to settle something, where you want to repair maybe you because you have done something wrong, or the other person has done something wrong, or you want to clarify something, has led into a huge blowout, into drama, into ending friendships, which I've been guilty of. I've been ending friendships because I didn't know how to handle things better. So now my mom is my mom is hair drying, and I need to ask her to close the door. I'll be back in a sec. So clarified that she has to be like a mouse in the apartment for a while because I hate nothing more when I'm recording and I hear someone outside with the doors or doing something loud, or my dogs are snoring. I just, you know, I always need just like okay, back to my episode and to you and I. Speaking of loud noises, so I honestly don't wanna edit it out of my podcast because that is real life, real silence is really gonna happen. Okay, so difficult conversation is one where at least two of these uh things that I'm listing here are present. So a difficult conversation is where either there is high emotional intensity, where there is risk to the relationships. Relationships, so maybe you know, it could be that you're losing that person, or there is um your social standing in jeopardy. There is a power imbalance, that is also often very often the case, where you also perceive maybe a power imbalance where you think the other person is stronger than you, even though you're at the same level, let's say you are co-workers, often it's a power imbalance because your boss and you, or you know, an authority figure, but often it's perceived, and that doesn't matter. So wherever there is an imbalance in power and authority, or just simply where the outcome can be super uncertain. So either one of these are present, then you can define that as a difficult conversation. And notice something super important here. The danger is never the topic, it's never the topic. So often we make it about ooh, this is a difficult, challenging content or thing to talk about. The danger is not the topic. Please remember this. The danger is the consequence of that conversation. So your body is not necessarily afraid of the talking, it is afraid of what might happen after you spoke up, after you initiated this conversation, after you honestly shared how you feel. And um also research is showing something striking here because it says between 65 and 80 percent of adults, so 65 to 80 percent of adults regularly avoid difficult conversations. So you are not alone, and I am not alone, because more than the majority of adults avoid them on a regular basis, even when this avoidance leads to resentment, pent-up anxiety, distance between two people, and also long-term damage. And most people delay these conversations for weeks, maybe even years, or worst case scenario, many never have them at all. Even when you know the conversation would help. And why is that? Because under stress, humans do not behave based on a good behavior or based on logic, they behave based on prediction. And I'll go now into this they behave based on pred predic prediction because that is something that isn't important is important for you to understand because it helped me tremendously, and I have not heard anyone talk about this. And um also what I want to share is that in the past I had difficult conversations, and most of them didn't go very well because it is not always as again about the what it is, it's not about the content, it's not maybe even about you not knowing the words or scrambling for words or fumbling around, stuttering. It is because often the nervous system of the other person goes in complete survival and often goes into attack and might go into gaslighting or in defending or accusing back. And that is a white conversation because you cannot control what the other person is doing or saying or perceiving what you're saying, but there's a way how you can ground yourself, and I think that is a whole other opposite episode worth recording. So back to the next part of you know the prediction system. So your identity is a prediction system because from a nervous system perspective, identity is not your personality, it's not your values, it's also not your self image. It is so your identity is a prediction system because your nervous system learned patterns super early in your life. And those patterns answered one central question. One central key question that you might not even be aware of that you were asking yourself because that is more in a subconscious process. Your nervous system just asked this question How do I stay safe in connection? And that learning happens before you have any language. It happens before your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that reasons and has the logic and has the words and the languages, before that even was established, because your brain is growing until maybe the age of 25. So it is you have not been complete in your skull, but you learned already something, and that was before you were able obviously to reason, before you had memory. And your nervous system organizes around one primary priority. So first was this question: how do I stay safe in connection? The other priority was attachment before autonomy. And Gavo Mate, who I've learned from and who I really, really love, said that a child has two choices. Either it chooses between like has two choices. One choice is authenticity, and the other one is attachment. So when I say autonomy, I also mean authenticity. But when you are a child and you are so depending on your excuse me, on your parents or your caretakers, you're not choosing authenticity because that is something that comes online way later in life. So before a child can think, they are already tracking the tone of the parents, the mood, the presence, the emotional availability, the tensions in the household, withdrawals from one of the parents, and the approval. So children do not adapt to rules, they adapt adapt adapt to what preserves the connection. So when a child notices a pattern, like for example, when I express anger, the connection tensions are building up. Or for example, when I have needs, my parents withdraw because maybe I start to be needy, I'm starting to be cranky. If you're a mom, you know how children are expressing their needs on a constant basis, and they assess how available are you, or they also know so notice and learn patterns like when I comply, things stay calm or things calm down, or when I stay pleasant, not needy, I am loved. So, due to this all, your nervous system forms a very important rule, and that's not a belief, it's a survival contract. I love the word because we all have closed survival contracts with our parents or caretakers, and such a contract can be this is who I must be to stay connected, to stay safe, to stay loved, because connections mean survival. That's wired in our biology, and also being loved makes you safe. And that rule is stored in the body and not in your mind. So that's why I'm saying mindset is just such a superficial thing. Your biology has been rewired since birth. So it's not just, oh yeah, I think myself into a better mantra of like I'm strong, I'm confident, I can handle this because your body is like, no, you can't, don't bullshit yourself. And which is also why later in life your body does not respond to logic when you want to go into conversation that you already know the stakes are super high. And you might know that already, but in case you don't, I just want to remind you why we women carry this more than men. And this is not black and white because some men or some boys are educated differently or have had different life experiences, but in general, research is very clear here because girls are socialized earlier and more intensely for being more emotional aware of your surroundings, of other people, of the feelings of other people. They are more socialized for cooperation, it's not about competition. That's what we send boys to, right? And even though things have changed, obviously, and might not be the same as we grow up, but still I can see that the relational maintain maintenance is definitely on women, and also just smoothing those tensions and managing emotional climates. And girls are praised earlier for being considerate and for being good girls, and they are corrected earlier for anger. This is based on research. This is not just me saying these are facts, and they are rewarded for being agreeable, for being kind, for being nice, and as I said, good girls. They are punished earlier for being authentic, for being direct. And that has happened historically, obviously, that we carry relational stability, and over time the nervous system associates. Safety means you have to manage situations, and this all becomes exquisitely an effective stra an effective strategy. It the strategy is to maintain harmony, to preserve attachment, to prevent conflict at all costs, and to keep systems running until adulthood. Because you know, adult relationships require something childhood often did not allow. It requires things that you have not learned in your childhood or in your teens or in your adolescence years, which is tolerating tension. That's what you learned. Surviving disapproval, allowing misunderstandings. And yeah, that has been something that we carry until we are grown adults, and then you know that avoiding certain things just don't make your life easier or make things easier. And repair was hardly modeled, not in my childhood. I haven't seen repair ever really had taken place, and then of course, tensions feel like big danger, and so are difficult conversations. They don't feel like communication, they are a threat to your nervous system. And also what happens in the brain, because I think that is also a very po important part before we step into why your body chooses silence. Let's just go quickly through the brain. And I checked what neuroscience says about that, and it explains it very beautifully. Because when a conversation, no matter with whom, is perceived as risky, your amygdala, so the part of the brain that is your threat and danger detector, that obviously activates. Then you have your stress response spiking, your cortisol is increasing, heart rate changes, and even your breath shortens. And that is just when a conversation is perceived as risky. So your body immediately reacts. And very importantly, your prefrontal cortex, again, responsible for reasoning, sequencing, for language, for example, goes partially offline. Which is why when you want to have when you have an important conversation, it doesn't need to be difficult, but let's say you have a presentation and afterwards people ask you questions. That's when sometimes we feel like I got I went blank or I lost my words or your mind froze, kind of your body took over, and then it's this automatic response where you're just not very aware or conscious of anymore. And again, this is all not emotional immaturity, this is temporary neurological shutdown in response to a perceived relational danger. So you literally cannot access the center in your brain of language, of words. You cannot really access it fully, which is why advice like just say it confidently is not only useless, it's also neurologically uninformed. Because confidence is cognitive, but the perceived threat is physiological. So you cannot think your way out of a body alarm. You cannot think your way out of your amygdala being activated because it perceives, oh my god, the conversation I think goes now into a direction that is risky. And your body chooses silence. And polyvagal theory gives us another layer. So polyvagal theory is all about your nervous system and the survival states and how to repair. And your nervous system detects relational risks. It has basically three options. You might know already about those options, but take it in as a as a reminder. If you're new to it, that might be blowing your mind. So your nervous system has three options when a relational risk, or uh uh not only a relational risk, but maybe you are threatened by a bear out there in the wilderness, then this is also the three options your nervous system is choosing. The first is safety and connection. That's where you can speak, stay regulated, and stay present. Um, maybe not so much when you meet a grizzly bear in the in the forest. But let's say if someone comes to you and they already look unhappy and you know, my god, something is going to blow up here. So, first is to stay safe and connected. The next one is the fight or flight response. We all have heard about that already. So that's when you argue, when you defend, when you overexplain, when you get sharp in your responses or emotional. And then there's the shutdown and collapse. That's where you freeze, where you go quiet, where you disappear, where you like you agree even though you disagree, or where you completely detach yourself from the person or from the conversation. Well, and um, I don't know where is your kind of um dominant response, but I think depending on the situation and on the person and on the on the person, I think we either choose freeze, flight, or fight. I was usually a fighter, but I could also perfectly freeze, especially in workplace conversations where I felt like, oh my god, I don't know what to say. I remember when um I first got fired from my job, and then I ended up not getting fired from my job, and that was just because of cost savings. It's usual bullshit, right? I went so in freeze, I didn't even know what to say, and I was so like, I just had no clue what to say. I was definitely not going into fight or into flight. I was just freezing. I was just like, oh my god, that's the end of the world. But well, wasn't really. So now my dog is snoring. Let me just wake up, Naboo. And now before we close this podcast, I want to just also talk about the cost of silence and then why forcing courage backfires and what you actually can do to kind of rewire your nervous system that really works. It's not just a short-term fix, it's a long-term fix. The costs of your silence, of our silence, of my silence to some extent, is that this is what's really said out loud, but it's so so there. Many adult systems still reward, especially women, for being silent, for staying put, which is, for example, overfunctioning is praises, maturity, or it's like, oh my god, it's so great. She she does everything, you know, she can do everything, she handles everything. I mean, overfunctioning is one of the worst things, and it makes us super, super sick. And also, for example, self-suppression is mistaken for being kind. It is the most unkind thing that you can do to yourself and also to the other person. And emotional labor, very often also this invisible emotional labor, especially as a mom where you juggle so many things: the household, the kids, your career, everything is mislabeled as strength. And this is not this is not strength. I mean, emotional labor is something invisible we need to make visible and take actions and split the work. Maybe not necessarily only with a partner, but also, you know, get a whole support system behind. And when a woman starts speaking differently, suddenly, you know, systems destabilize, power shifts, expectations change, and roles are renegotiated. And some people benefit from your silence, which means growth is not just internal, but it's relational and it goes into a very political agenda. And bodies do not like losing strategies that once ensured safety, even when those strategies now cost you your self-respect, intimacy, uh, vitality, and also agency to some extent. And this is why growth feels so dangerous to your system, and also because it change it changes who benefits. And uh I want to just dip our feet into why force encourage backfires, because often we think like, okay, in order to be courage, have courage, I have just to, you know, to force myself into confrontation, or I just have to jump into the cold water. And this is where most empowerment culture out there, especially on social media, gets it wrong. Because forcing yourself into confrontation while your nervous system is dysregulated teaches the body honesty equals danger, or authenticity means I will lose people, or it will create huge blowouts. And that is definitely not empowerment, that is just basically self-abandonment again in a different costume because real change is not heroic, it is very slow, it's gradual, it's regregulated. So, you know, often I can see women who have been good girls or people pleaser kind of, you know, due to an incident where they are like had so much pent-up resentment and anger swing from one side from completely people pleaser and appeasing and doing everything the other person wanted to becoming almost to say assholes, um, extremely harsh, really speaking their mind in a way that's hurting not only the other person but themselves very often. So change is always slow, it's always very gradual. And that's why, for example, my coaching, when you come to me, we are working on things in the beginning. You might hardly notice any changes, and you might feel this is even more exhausting because you got so much more awareness around things, but that is what it is. When people come into my coaching, they are have been doing or repeating patterns for 30, 40, 50, 60 years. Do you really think that can be changed from one day to the other? And nervous system, your nervous system hates change because your mind loves predictability and it predicts how you behave in certain situations. In order to change that, that needs to be done very delicately, very, very gradually and with extreme care. And also, research on neuroplasticity is very clear. Your nervous system to update that or to revire a strong pattern that's been repeated over years happens through small exposure, regulation, and successful outcomes. That is kind of the formula. So you expose yourself to not such a high-stakes conversation, but smaller stakes conversation. You are doing this in a very regulated way because there is not so much at stake, and you notice those small outcomes. This is not like big convers, not big confrontations, it's not emotional dumping, which happens from Google's very often, where they are going from silence to I dump everything on the person. And it's also not forced bravery. It's more in those tiny moments where pausing instead of, for example, immediately going into agreeing just to get this off the table, the topic, or to kind of like um, you know, to to smooth things over. It's just you pause before you immediately go into yes, I will do that, or yes, you're right, even though you really disagree. And it's saying, wait a moment, I just need a second, or can we put that on hold? I just, you know, I need to get a glass of water, or can we talk about that in half an hour? I just not, you know, I'm just feeling so agitated. It's just asking for time. Not everything needs to be discussed in one conversation. This can lead to multiple conversations, it can lead to a part one and part two, and there might be days or weeks up in between. And it's also about expressing a milder boundary. Naboo is snoring into this uh episode, and I apologize, but I also feel bad for waking him up. Okay. And um so this is what it is it's doing this with small stakes conversations and Also noticing that once you put a milder boundary or you asked for a little bit of time, you notice, and that's what I tell my clients: notice that your world does not collapse, that your connection survived that conversation, that you were not abandoned, and that repair is possible because this evidence is so important to hold on, like to put on top of your head, in front of your head, to know that once I did something differently, even though it was small, it does not really matter. Nothing bad happened. And each time you have that, your nervous system updates that prediction that it has and holds so dear, which means it says, I'm still safe. This is how then you can build the courage, and it's done through really small, repetitive, like repetitive moments where you do this not just one time, but multiple times, where you build momentum. And I do this with my clients all the time. If they have a small success, I always say it's great, but now you have to build on this. Wait, let me just wake up my dog, where you have to um build on that momentum. So if, for example, I have a client who is learning how to have honest, authentic conversations with her partner, her romantic partner, and that is not something that happens quickly. And we have built momentum where she started to speak up, where she's she she she mentioned preferences, desires, needs, or hurts that had happened because due to lack of those conversations. And once there is success there, I always tell my client, and now do not pause. You have to have this conversation ongoing. Let's say just let your partner know what you need, what you prefer, what made you feel safe, what made you feel unsafe, and building on this momentum because the more often you do this, the better it is, and the more you actually build courage, not by willpower, by forcing yourself, but through the new evidence that you get. And yeah, that's where over time something more radical happens because your body learns discomfort is not danger, because the issue is that we always feel like if something feels uncomfortable, that's because it's not safe and it's it's wrong. But that is not true. Discomfort is not danger, and it's not wrong. Discomfort is just that your body and your brain cannot predict what's happening next because there is no past evidence. So if you have never spoken up in a conversation or you have never, in a team meeting, raised your hands and you know issued your opinion. And then once you do it, of course, this feels fucking uncomfortable. It feels like, oh my god, you are exposing yourself to the world. Your your body, your brain doesn't even know what happens next. It has no neural pathways to leverage. And um, you also your body will learn that disagreement is not abandonment and being misunderstood is not annihilation. Intention, intentions, you kind of can survive, and that also repair is possible in relationships. And only then, and not before, does real voice, does your real voice emerge? And this is not this performative confidence, it's not like those this fake assertiveness, but it's more this embodied presence where you are staying calmer, you are more connected to yourself and are able to express yourself accordingly. So if difficult conversations feel life-threatening to you, and now we're closing off this episode, this conversation I have with you, hear this very clearly. Again, nothing is wrong with you. Your nervous system learned loyalty before language. So when you were born, obviously your survival instincts are that I'm depending on my caretaker, my parents, and I have to do everything to stay connected because your biology knows exactly if your parents are not here, if no one takes care of you, you're not surviving this. And now your work is not to betray yourself for connection, but to teach your body that connection can include your truth, your authenticity, your needs. And that's not happening in a way that you're be that that's not becoming harsher or becoming more difficult, complex person. It's not about becoming more selfish, it's about becoming more a whole rounder version of you. So, well, this is exactly where I'm closing off this podcast. I've I know it's been a mouthful, it's been a lot of information, but I do hope that if you always felt like you're not made for difficult conversations, or that you're not a good communicator, or that you're just too weak, and you always feel like you're playing the smaller part, or you're not you know deserving to have a seat on the table. That this is not because you're weak, it's you have not learned all those things, you have your biology is just taking over. And you know, our biology is not what it is, it's not that we cannot change it, we can actually change it quite a lot, and it takes time, it takes practice, and it takes a lot of awareness and patience. And I just want to leave you with this that difficult conversations are driven by your biology until you know how to take over in a very rounded and regulated way. And I might do another podcast episode around how to do that without maybe a coach or a therapist, because I believe that the more we can hold difficult conversations and the more we don't take things personally and detach ourselves from the bad things that people throw at us, because usually we take that one-to-one. We think that this is you know what it means, or that's a personal attack versus a person is actually hurting and is saying things that obviously are not the truth, but you know, we always think that we are less worthy, and if you know, we have all those thoughts, all those bad thoughts about ourselves. And if someone says something that matches also your internal beliefs and you know, also this self-judgment, then obviously we think that's the truth, and it hurts even more. So relationships are so difficult, and I can't just vouch for that because my marriage with my husband is the most loving and the most fun and the best I've ever had. Like it is something where I'm really so proud of. But let me tell you, we've been together now for 11 years, we lived together now for five years, we have been married for five years, and that has been the most challenging and difficult journey. And I might speak about that more authentically. Um, make a podcast episode just around that, because there were times where I just wanted to give up, where I hated my husband, where I felt like, you know, I cannot tolerate this anymore. And it needs marriage. Being married for me is the most challenging things I've challenging thing I've ever done because, especially in a romantic relationship, the triggers, the wounds are constantly pressed on, and that obviously makes us absolutely crazy and it's painful and it won't it involves so much work, dirty work. You really have to get your hands dirty. You cannot escape that because otherwise this leads into divorce. And for me, that was never on the table. And I knew if I'm not able to do this with my husband, I can't do it with anybody else. Um, not to say that sometimes people don't match on different growth paths, but I knew that we could manage that. I had so much trust in us, but at the same time, it was the most lonely journey because who are you talking about marriage problems, you know, without getting judged or people coming with all those stupid advice, and then you see everyone is happy and fulfilling their relationships. I mean, that's what you perceive, right? So there's so much that I can share about, and we had the most difficult conversations, and that was not just one, it was in the hundreds, yeah. And that is where I learned how to hold those difficult conversations or where I can hold projections my husband has and throws me my way because we all project, right? We all just wanna when we when we are in pain, very often we just you know project it out there and blame somebody else. So anyway, I just wanna leave you with that you're not alone with uh the difficulty of conversations that are challenging and the thread around it and the fear. And I just wanna know, I want you to know that this is normal. And I hope this episode brought forward valuable points, epiphanies, ideas, or at least you were you felt seen, heard, and know that you are not alone in this. So it's been now 15 minutes of this episode, so I will close it. And I hope this was super valuable to you. If it was valuable, please subscribe to my podcast, forward it to a friend who you think can benefit from hearing this information and hearing around you know how our biology is wired because these are conversations not many people bring up. So, yeah, so I'll see you next week. Thank you so much for tuning in and for being with me on this journey. Love you. Speak soon. Bye.