My Niece Triggered Me to Face the Life I Haven’t Built

What happens when you suddenly see the life you didn’t build?

I am hitting an age where you can’t help but reflect on the life you’ve lived, the choices you made, and the dreams you haven’t chased. This can be intense. There’s pride, gratitude, and sometimes a sting of “what if.”

Then you meet younger generations, blazing paths you never imagined—living freer, riskier, bolder lives. It can trigger something deep: envy, longing, or even shame.

In this episode, Martina says the things no one talks about. It’s not about comparing—it’s about awareness. 

About seeing what’s possible for you right now, without judgment, and remembering that your story isn’t over. Your path doesn’t need to mirror theirs—or anyone else’s.

This stage in life?

 It’s your invitation to reconcile the past with what’s still possible. To honor your choices, acknowledge what could have been, and still lean fully into the chapters yet to be written.

I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I do. 

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Transcript

Heavy Heart And Honest Recording

Martina 0:00

Today's episode comes from a heavy, real and vulnerable place in my heart. I was recently spending time with my 24-year-old niece. She's traveling, building businesses, finishing grad school, and thriving online. And somewhere in that conversation it hit me. That voice in my head saying, Oh, you could have done more. You should have taken bigger risks. So pride, envy, longing, and fear all mixed up. And that's what we are diving into today. What happens when midlife triggers your you missed out voice? How to sit with it and how to take the next step without shame or comparison. This is not about formulas or answers. It is about honesty, awareness, and giving yourself yourself permission to stop living half-in. So grab your favorite beverage, journal, or maybe a tissue. Let's get into today's episode. I'm recording this today with a heavy heart. And my heart is heavy because of maybe a bit of a midlife turning point, or you can also say midlife crisis, maybe. Maybe I'm in the middle of a crisis. I wouldn't call it that this that way though, but I also wanted to share with you that I'm recording this from a very heavy heart. I feel in my chest there is I feel like a ton of bricks are layered in there. And I know that when I share from a more heavy spot, I am so much more inclined to share with you because it feels raw, it feels very honest, it feels very yeah, very tender. And I want to record from those spots. I don't want to always come and record and like okay, this was I was going through, and this is the solution, or these are like how can you be more so-and-so? And here's point one, two, and three, and follow step one, two, five. You know, while that is useful, and obviously I want to keep on sharing life advice and things, how you can be a more confident and more well-spoken communicator. On the other hand, I also want to share vulnerably what's going on, and there's one part that appreciates me letting down my guard and letting you into my heart and showing you where I am in my life. And on the other hand, there is a part in me that is so so scared of doing this because obviously the part says very loud that will bring you into a weak spot. People think you don't have life figured out, and yeah, it's true. I have not figured out life. I think who has figured it out? We might have figured out life for a while, we might have good plans, but you know, there comes challenges and triggers, and then this figuring out is just done, you know, and then we are in a void. So let's get into where I'm coming from. So, what actually triggered my heaviness, and then we will go into more depth from there. So, my family is over since a couple of days. They arrived in Miami on the weekend, and it's been beautiful, and it's been amazing, and my niece is staying with me, and the rest of the family is in the hotel, and I got to spend time with my 24-year-old niece, and I truly appreciate and love her. She's a beautiful woman, she's not a girl anymore. I almost wanted to say girl, but she's not a girl anymore. She is a very young, very beautiful woman who has tremendous potential. She's very smart, she's very intelligent, and if you see her, it's just like you're in awe. And I am so proud of who she is and who she be she became and who she's going to be and her whole evolution. And she's 17 years younger than I'm and she is an influencer, an athletic influencer. She's very sporty and she looks gorgeous, obviously, inside and out. She's traveling a ton and she's building a life, you know, that's full of tangible assets. So she's also now graduating from a bachelor's, she started her master's degree, but she's also an influencer, she gets paid handsomely for this, and she's started businesses and she's like investing, she bought land in a foreign country where she's building a house that she wants to rent afterwards. So that's all with 24. So I haven't seen my niece in over a year because not every time I come to Austria, I have the opportunity and the pleasure obviously to meet her. Because, you know, when we go to Austria, I'm there for a couple of days, but then we're going to France to visit my in-laws. So there is not much time for every visit to meet my family. And yeah, so when she was over, we had plenty of time to catch up, and I had one-on-one time with her, and I was asking her about certain things, and she was telling me, and even though I know a lot about her, what she's doing, what she's up for, or up to when I talk to my sister on a weekly basis. But there are things that she told me that I wasn't aware of, or you know, I also had asked in-depth questions because I'm super interested in how she achieved all this online success, and I've seen her growing over the years, and yeah. So that's to my my niece, and um honestly emotionally, I am so proud of her, and then also after our conversation with her, uh our conversation basically, I also felt immensely triggered because and this is not because I'm jelly or jealous, as you would say, that's not the key line here. I I got triggered because a pardon me saw what I haven't done yet. So when you talk to a 24-year-old, doesn't matter if it's a family member, a friend, or whoever else, you or at least let's let's not talk about you, let's talk about me, because this is what I've experienced and might be not true for you. So let's keep it at my at my experience. I got confronted with my own unrealized potential. And I had to tell my part that because that part was like, oh, look at her life and look at your life, you are such a failure. So there was such a loud part that like kept bashing me that I am a failure because I'm over 40, and what have I to show, right? And it's so interesting because you know, if you're not going if if you believe what the party is saying and you don't ask more in-depth questions, this will then really bring you down, and it's also so not true. Because how am I a failure? If I look and write down on paper what I've accomplished in life, it's been it's been big. You know, I have a master's degree, I have an MBA, I have built a career in my previous company that I worked for. I have I I moved to the US, I work now in biotech, I'm still employed, but I'm also a coaching business and I'm running this podcast, and I have built a coaching business that I've been now putting on pause a little bit. And so I have done things. It's not like that. I like, you know, I lived in Korea. I uh you know, there's so many things that I could tell you that on paper, that's not what's uh that's not what failure looks like. But that part just still believes comparing myself to my niece, where she is at with her 24, compared where I was with 24 and where I'm right now, that this is a failure. And it's not true, but on the other hand, there are untapped possibilities for me that you know become become very apparent. And there's a raw mix of emotions. There is pride, there is also envy a little bit, there is fear, and there's longing. And obviously, the fear is more around like, okay, I'm now over 40, so am I now a failure because I haven't accomplished what she has accomplished. Obviously, I'm proud of her, she's my niece, and how can I not be proud of her? She's in my family, she is my family, she's amazing. I'm I'm just in awe. And obviously, there's a part of me that envies her for the success that she obviously worked for, and there is longing that is for, you know, where I feel like, oh, I want that too. And so a part of me feels like I wasted my time, but I also know I made intentional choices. And you know, it's it's not that my life is over, I still have tremendous amount of time if God permits me to live until 80 or 90 years old. But sometimes still, you know, I am confronted with in what age I am. Biologically, I might be way younger, but chronologically, this is my age. I can't defy this number. I can't just say, oh, I'm 32. I am not. I might feel like 32, but I am obviously not chronologically 32. So and then I wonder if if it's too late to to try out new things, and obviously not. So this there's and there's discomfort that comes up with if it's too late. Have I not tapped into my full potential? What does it even mean my potential? What does that what does a life of purpose and meaning look like? And I wanna invite you to sit with your discomfort. Maybe something arose in you while you heard me sharing here. And you know, I'm sitting here and it's so immensely discomforting. Not because I'm sharing this with you now, but just you know, since a few days I'm sitting and my brain makes this a huge urgency of like, come on, you need to get going, you need to be clear about your Instagram, you need to be this, you need to be that. And clarity doesn't come from my brain making it an urgency of like, okay, I need now something more tangible, I need clarity. Clarity actually begins when when we are all able to sit with our own discomfort. That's where we get clarity about our potential. And there is this generational context, this new economy too that plays a huge role in in the paths in the paths I took and in the path my niece is taking. And that also highlights the differences in opportunities because I am belonging, I still belong to that generation where it was so important and emphasized from society, from your parents, from all the people in your environment, and everyone did the same, obviously. My three sis my three siblings did all took all the same path. So my dad took it. So I was like, I follow along. I had no other clue. Back then there was no Instagram, the internet was in its infant's shoe, more or less, and the path, this very traditional path, was and is maybe for some still, but at least for me it was. Finish high school, finish grad school, take on a job, create a career, build a house, maybe buy an apartment, build a family, and then that's it. There was not much more. But that was that was it, and the most overarching theme was stability. Get your finances straight, uh earn money, invest maybe here and there, but the most important thing was stability. And that was the part that I took. And I didn't question it because I was sure that if I do it all, everyone else would think I am a success, everyone would love me, and I would love myself, I would feel like successful, and I kind of repressed that inner voice that wanted more of life. Because I, you know, when I did internships while I was in high school and in grad school, I was like going to an office and work in an office. It was such a hard thing to imagine for the rest of my life. But honestly, there was no entrepreneurship in my family, as or in my immediate family, or in a circle of friends. Everyone kind of did the same. So I thought that's just it. And you know, it was in the early 2000s. There was no influencer, there was no code, there was just not much there yet. And I was just no global reach. And the path of my niece is the digital economy, these influencer opportunities, these passive income streams, and a global reach that is easy to tap into. I mean, 20 years ago, when I was her age, or a little bit less than 20 years ago, like anyway, you know, Instagram didn't exist. I think there was just Facebook there, and Facebook was really just to connect with your friends and high school people, and when you're traveling, to connect to fellow travelers and so on and so forth. And and that was just it, you know. And I I was I couldn't see where life would take me other than this steady, safe path. So obviously, because of that, the risk tolerance was different. So I kind of chose a very safe path, like the predictable income and slow growth and just lower risk, because you know there were no risks in my life. I had a job, the only risk you could take was changing your job, because what if you don't like it? But that was just basically it. And my niece takes very calculated risks. She is building an online brand, she has her investments running, she's collabing with big corporations, and I certainly and for sure admire her freedom. And I also noticed that part of me that played life very safe. I have been in my comfort zone for my 20s and most of my 30s. Obviously, when I was 31, I met my husband, my back then boyfriend, and later fiance, and then husband, and he was in the States. So I think the risk that I then started to take was building long-distance relationships. So we had a long-distance relationship for five and a half years. I lived in Austria, he lived in the States, and I was traveling forth and back to make this relationship even work. And I think that was the first step outside of my comfort zone, and it was a big out-of-comfort zone thing. But that's where I started then to really build a life that I wanted. But again, I didn't take any other risks of like, you know, going on Instagram or I I wasn't even there yet. I didn't even know how to build an income outside of my corporate employment. And yeah, so that's basically it. And I I think that the key insight is, at least for me, that you know, building my own potential is not coping, copying someone else's life. So I'm not now sitting at my desk and trying to replicate what my niece is has done and has achieved and is building and will achieve and is achieving and all this thing. It's more about like these are the small little incremental steps of okay, let's go back on a drawing board. What am I really good at? What do I want to keep? You know, I'm keeping my my my podcast. I want to actually evolve it, I want to grow it, and I wanna share my honest voice, how it is to grow older, to hit snacks in life like right now, where I'm like, okay, I'm sitting with a lot of discomfort, heavy heart, and getting triggered, and you know, and then not getting distracted by that noise. So it's so it's not about copying someone else, it's noticing what I can still explore for myself. And I I am at a midlife realization. I noticed that I, you know, emphasized stability over risk because in my family, risk was not something celebrated, it was something to be avoided, and it was just something to not get yourself into. And I don't want to just blame other people. I want to obviously take the responsibility and you know, and say, okay, that's the that's what I did, what I chose, and that's okay, you know. On on the other hand, I'm a person who as a person I am not someone who looks for stability in what when it comes to something that I do professionally. I mean, obviously, I I do love stability in my relationships, I don't need risky relationships or something else like that. But like I I seek stability in yeah, in my human-to-human, you know, relationships. But then when it comes to my potential and getting myself out there and finding a stream of income, I want to take risks. And I, you know, I want to go into exploration and try things out. And I mean, there was things that I have been immensely proud of because I have built a coaching business and this is something that, you know, no one can take away from me. And this is I've I've learned a lot. And the real trigger here is, you know, not just seeing your untapped potential or me now lamenting about it and feel like, oh my god, I haven't done this, I could have done that. It's more about what is possible, and what is possible is everything. And when I look at my my niece and see what she's building and what she's achieved, you know, I don't want to hang in that, oh my god, I'm envious, I want that too, I'm longing and fearing and feeling sad or disappointed. I'm just like, that's all possible for me too. If she can, I can too. And it might look different. It might look completely like might not even resemble at all where she's at and what she's what is she is achieving. Because again, I have uh 20 years almost more of experience and life wisdom and you know, and also different resources than she has. So it's really not about being stuck in feeling, oh, there is untap potential. It's more about, hey, there's so much possible. And obviously, safety is not a bad thing. It it definitely gives you security, but it also imposes limitations. It imposes limitations in terms of what to push you a bit forward, to, you know, maybe detect some of your blind spots, and you know, saying, okay, are you now in a phase to expand or are you in a phase where you wanna keep things as is? So, you know, safety is a good thing, but again, it's it's imposing limitations, and I didn't feel this is very clear to me. I I have just I just played a complete different game, and I know I'm longing for a new chapter, and you know what? I can write that sketch that chapter. I have a book that's 40 pages in, it has a couple of different chapters, and now I'm turning 42 in June. I can begin a new chapter, and a chapter that's different of my my niece, but maybe that conversation with her triggered me in a good way to push things forward, not from urgency and also not from unfeeling worthless or. Not worthy enough, but more from the lens of hey, there is time, but also not forever, because there is time can also feel like, oh my god, I have time. So I can just sit back and wait till till things present themselves, but no, I can just tap into these beautiful opportunities that I might not be able to see yet, yet just sitting around and feeling triggered won't help. And yeah, sitting around and feeling triggered won't help. It won't help me, it won't help you, right? And here is the truth: hitting a midlife turning point, or maybe what people like more traditional call it a midlife crisis. It is not about failing, it's about confronting the part of you that gets loud and says, Oh, you could have done better, you should have done more, you missed out, you are not worthy yet. And that voice, the voice that I am confronted with, it is normal. It's part of being a human. It's the part that that values time, that feels like scared, that's scared that time is running out. It's that part that compares and criticizes. And here's the thing don't take what it says at face value, and don't fight it either. The best way how to how I'm navigating it is that I'm noticing it, I know what it's saying, I name what it's saying, and I let it pass through me without letting it define my worth or I won't let it call me a failure. I slow things down. I, you know, question those things that it throws my way when it says like, oh, you are such a failure compared to your niece. And that's you know, if you take that at face value and go down a rabbit hole, that hurts. That may makes you feel like, oh wow, I'm really a failure. But it's not true. Because first of all, can you be compared to a 24-year-old? I mean, if you are 24 or maybe 26, yes. But I'm 42, I don't want to be comparing myself to my niece. She's a just a complete different generation, she has absolutely different opportunities. Her father is an entrepreneur. In my family, there is no one who is an entrepreneur, so there is no role model, and she has role models and she has friends who do similar things. So, and in my generation, and I I don't know as many entrepreneurs. I mean, I still have more and more people becoming or you know, turning into entrepreneurs, but in the end of the day, you know, I'm still having a lot of friends from this traditional path that I took, which is totally fine because back where I grew up, that is still the one path for most of the people. Yet I, if I call myself a failure, then every achievement, every success I have, like kind of gathered over my life, is then you know, just swept off and brushed off and like categorized as failure, which is absolutely not it. So I do have conversations with this part. So I just want to tell you how I, you know, work with that voice or that part when it shows up. So I acknowledge this part without shaming it. I don't push it away, I don't try to quiet it. But in the end of the day, I say, I hear you, I see you. Thanks for you know raising the warning signals, but in the end of the day, you know, it's not the truth. So I separate the voice from my truth, from the truth, from the objective truth. Because just because this voice says that I am a failure, that doesn't make it true. Because again, looking at my life, up my choices, my accomplishments, they exist, they are real, they are tangible, and no one can take that away. And they matter, they matter a lot. And the next step I'm doing is I'm sitting with the discomfort because I, as I told you in the beginning of this episode, I am sitting with a heavy heart. Even though right now, a few minutes into this podcast, maybe we're now in almost half an hour, I feel a way lighter because I'm sharing. Yet I do sit with discomfort. I sit with heavy feelings, and they are uncomfortable for a good reason. Because they want you to pay attention, they want to be set with. So I sit with these heavy, heavy emotions, heavy feelings. I'm breathing through them and I allow clarity to emerge, but I'm not forcing it. I'm not sitting at my desk and I'm okay, okay. Now bring it on paper. We need to have clarity. I mean, sometimes I have this urge to push and now work on things and get like clarity, but I don't get to clarity by pushing for it. I get into clarity when I'm allowing myself to, you know, sit with what needs to be sit with, set with. Like my as I said, I felt like in the beginning of this episode, like I had a ton of bricks in my chest. And now I maybe have one or two breaks there. So sharing, sharing helps. So if you have a harder time sitting with the discomfort, can you share it with a friend? Do you have a trustee, an ally in your life? Maybe it's your romantic partner, maybe it's a family, it's someone from your family, or whoever it is. Even I share sometimes things with my dogs, and that also helps in a way. Because they always remind me that life is precious and the present moment is precious. No, they're not being stuck in the past, what I could have done better, or going into my future. Oh my god, what is my potential? How can I realize you know more achievements? No, that's not it either. So, and also I remind myself there is nothing that needs to be solved immediately. Things take its pace, it takes its time, and sitting with what's present for me, and you know, coming back to what's most important for me is is very important, it's very precious because it's it's about being fully present with my experience rather than distracting myself from it or not wanting to experience what I am experiencing. And the next step for me is I want to take new new steps from awareness and not panic. So now that I feel it on lighter talking to you, I can also ask myself, what do I want from this next chapter that I'm writing? What feels alive to me? What matters to me? And not because the clock is ticking or I see my niece online doing tremendous amazing things and like you know, earning her future and you know being in her juicy young life, but because I, you know, so not because of that, but because I want to live deliberately. I even if some of my choices might feel small or messy, I wanna take them. I want to invite opportunities into my life, not by sitting on my desk on a wide canvas and trying to draw something, but just like keep going, keep going with my podcast and not caring if a voice in me says that this episode I'm recording today is not worth sharing. Because you know, every time I hit record publish on an episode, I feel like, oh my god, was this clear enough? Was it good enough? Do people like it? And will people tune in? On what if this is really trash? What's not landed? What is what if this episode is not landing? And I have so many doubts. And I still hit publish because I'm like, okay, this is part of the journey. Sitting with the discomfort again, right? Not allowing that voice to drive your actions, not my actions. And this is the next important part I want to leave you with. Don't allow those voices, take those initiatives or drive the action forward, because they don't know. These parts in you are very young and they they don't know much more other than trying to keep you safe and or you know trying to make you aware of something, and that is great. Yet you know that taking actions from urgency or from messiness is is just not it's just not helpful, it's just not it. And yeah, also know that what triggers you in other people isn't the person itself. So for me, it's not my niece who is triggering me, it's the version of me that knows that I'm ready for a different chapter, that there is more to explore, there is more to do in my life. And while I am in this spot and finding out what I will do and move forward with, I'm also tapping into that part that feels worthy. I'm not allowing to write my new chapter from unworthiness of feeling like, okay, I'm unworthy, so I have to write a new chapter in order to feel worthy, because that will not happen. I will end this chapter and feel still unworthy. And if I have achieved tremendous success, I will still feel unworthy because it's not about the tangible external thing that I'll achieve. And I know you know that, but I'm just reminding myself, and maybe you need that reminder too. It's feeling worthy right now while I'm feeling uncomfortable because I have heavy emotions or I feel triggered. And I'm grateful that this trigger came my way. It was an amazing wake-up call for me, and I'm pretty sure my unconscious is now stirring up a plan and gives me stone some clarity. Yet I also have to take the action and be messy along with it. And I also promise you to take you on this ride with me because I feel like that is absolutely, you know, valuable if we all share, you know, what's going on in our life and not always have those solutions or the outcome available to share. Maybe they will come later, and then I will share what I'm doing about it. And I will also do an extra episode, obviously, regarding. I have a few important things I want to share. I want to go more into what does it even mean to realize your potential or tap into your potential. I always so conf- I'm always so confused about this, and I didn't want to incorporate that into this episode. I thought it would be nice to do an extra episode. So if you are in a spot right now where you feel like I you don't know much right now what your potential is, what it even means, you are directionless, you are afraid you have missed out on, or you're not doing enough. I have something that I will share with you in the next upcoming week. So stay tuned to this. And just to bring this episode to a beautiful closure, I want to share with you that a midlife is not a crisis. So I'm in my midlife right now. I'm pretty much in my midlife, and I don't define this as a crisis. It is a turning point, it's something that brings up a lot of discomfort, and I wish a of course there's a part of me that wishes to be on it in a different phase of my life. But it's also a chance to recognize my loud and judgmental part of me, and that it will show up along the way, but it doesn't have to run my life. I get to respond with compassion, curiosity, and courage. And if that voice is loud, let it speak, yet don't let it dictate your next path or what actions you want to take. Sit with it, listen to it, and then choose your next move from a place of awareness and not fear or jealousy or envy. Because obviously, our life isn't over. You are also not behind, I am not behind. You're exactly here and exactly capable of stepping into your new chapter with whatever values you want to begin this chapter with, with maybe more courage, maybe more risk, maybe a little bit of audacity, authenticity, or you wanna be more vulnerable with people or the journey you're on. And yeah, so that's all from my end. I hope that value that episode brought some value to you, maybe some new reflections. And I'm gonna sit with you know with myself for another few days and let things pass. Some of the things that come up for me, I will, you know, that will be helpful maybe to determine some new things I wanna explore. But yeah, I will definitely sit with a lot of my loud parts and let them not stay triggered, but calm them down with my compassion and say that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And again, thank you so much for tuning in. I do hope that was that you found some gold in this epit episode. And I yeah, I'm gonna see you next week, I guess. So thank you for tuning in.