005 - Breaking Down Boundaries

In this episode of Life with Purpose, Mel Harrowsmith gets real about boundaries - the invisible rules that keep you from burning out, losing yourself, or oversharing way too much with that chatty co-worker. Whether it’s your personal space, emotional energy, or time management, boundaries are the key to maintaining healthier relationships and greater self-respect.

Mel unpacks the different types of boundaries (physical, emotional, time, and more) and why some of us end up with boundaries that are either too rigid or as porous as a sponge. Struggling to say no? Or maybe you’re feeling resentful because you keep saying yes? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Mel’s here to help you reclaim your energy and establish boundaries that work for you.

Get ready to redefine your limits, say "no" with confidence, and discover how healthy boundaries can lead to a more fulfilled, stress-free life.

For more insights, tips, and guidance on living a meaningful life, visit Mel Harrowsmith Coaching. Ready to dive deeper? Reach out to book a session and start your journey towards purpose today.

Edited with finesse, transcribed and produced by Mike Roberts at Making Digital Real

Transcript

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I absolutely cannot recommend Mel highly enough. I've been feeling very stuck professionally for a long while. At the same time I've been able to work out quite what to do or how to make a change. I think some self-doubt and low self-esteem issues have also led to a lot of unhelpful procrastination. Working with Mel though has helped me to gain a better understanding of why I've been feeling so unfulfilled. It was a bit of a light bulb moment to be honest and I'm so grateful to Mel. She's supported me to move forward on some new projects to help restore some creative balance into my life. Together we'd identified that this is one of the things lacking in my day job and I'm really excited to see where I end up so thank you Mel. Your non-judgmental approach and easygoing coaching style has helped me to adopt a completely different mindset and I already feel like I'm moving in a new direction. Hello and welcome to the Life With Purpose podcast. I'm Mel and in this series of episodes I'm going to talk to you about a topic that frequently puts blockers in the way for those of you looking for purpose. I'm going to talk about boundaries. We'll cover what they are, where they come from, how they affect our personal and professional lives and how setting healthy boundaries can lead to healthier relationships, greater enjoyment and respect. In this first episode I'm going to talk about what personal boundaries are, the different types of boundary and typical behaviours associated with each type. Boundaries may seem like a pretty straightforward topic but as you will hear in this series it can be complex especially if your boundaries are unhealthy. In 1989 Jeff Van Vonderen said boundaries are those invisible barriers that tell others where they stop and you begin. In other words these are the rules or limits that you set for yourself within your relationships whether that's friendships, romantic relationships or relationships with colleagues at work. Some examples of boundaries include physical, emotional, time boundaries, intellectual boundaries and material boundaries. Physical boundaries are an expression of your physical needs, things like how much personal space you need, whether you are happy shaking hands or being hugged plus everyday physical needs such as when and what you need to eat and drink. Then there are emotional boundaries such as understanding how much emotional energy you can cope with, whether that's your own or someone else's, knowing when to share personal information, knowing when not to share, how much to share and knowing who you can share it with. When your feelings are belittled or personal information is shared without your permission you may feel as though your emotional boundaries have been crossed. Time boundaries mean understanding your priorities and allowing sufficient time to do what you need to do without over committing. Giving in to unreasonable demands on your time and taking on too much can breach time boundaries. Intellectual boundaries are those that surround your thoughts and ideas while material boundaries, as you've probably guessed, refer to things like your possessions such as your house or your car, your games console or your stamp collection. Being pressured into lending or giving these things away can break these material boundaries as can spending or loaning money when you don't want to. Boundaries are lines that you draw for yourself that indicate to others where your limits are. This means that you have to set these limits for yourself. They are not something you can impose on someone else and expect them to follow which in turn means your boundaries are not something that can be imposed on you by someone else. If you want healthy boundaries then you have to set, maintain and uphold your own boundaries. Now you may or may not have started thinking well hang on a minute Mel, in those examples you've just described my boundaries change depending on the situation and that's normal and we'll get into that over the course of this series. But generally speaking there are three types of boundaries and you've probably used all three at some point. There are also some common traits that go along with each boundary type. The first and foremost is healthy boundaries. When you have healthy boundaries your boundaries are clear, you value your own opinions and you respect the opinions of others without compromising your own values. You can share personal information in an appropriate way which means you can adjust what you share depending on who you are talking to. You can also say no and you can accept when others say no to you. The other types of boundaries and there are two of them are a bit more problematical. These are rigid boundaries and open boundaries which you might also hear described as porous, diffuse or inconsistent. Rigid boundaries are just that, they are rigid, they are inflexible and they seem set in concrete. Some typical behaviours you might experience if you have rigid boundaries include not being able to ask for help, avoiding close relationships and keeping others at a distance. You can be very protective of personal information and you may seem detached even from loved ones. It can be really difficult to communicate and express individual needs in an environment where rigid boundaries are in place. Open or porous boundaries are the opposite of healthy boundaries in that they are not clear. They might be flaky, loose and inconsistent. Open boundaries can lead to oversharing of personal information and become overly involved in or giving way too much attention to other people's issues. You might find it difficult or even impossible to say no and you might be reliant on the opinions of others. It can also be really difficult to get your needs met if you have open boundaries. You may recognise most if not all of these boundaries and traits as most people have a mix of boundary types. Your boundaries at work may be healthy but at home your boundaries might be leakier than D'Eliza's bucket or you might find it near impossible to say no to the boss but have no problem saying no to family. If you can't set and maintain healthy boundaries then it's likely that you are giving way more of yourself to others than you are giving to yourself and the consequences of this can be many but if you have unhealthy boundaries you may experience a sense of being taken for granted, you may feel manipulated, controlled, misunderstood or burnt out. You may agree to do something when you really really don't want to or go along with others' opinions and ideas even when they don't align with your values. In these situations you might react by being passive-aggressive, first letting others take advantage and then you try to rescue the power you've lost by nagging, nitpicking, complaining or punishing them in little ways. You might be wracked with guilt at the thought of saying no and essentially putting your own needs first or you might say yes to something and then become resentful. Over time this can lead to chronic frustration, anxiety and depression and although it might be difficult to hear, unhealthy boundaries can keep you in a position of hurt and harm. These are not great situations to be in and they do not feel good. I've been there too and I can look back at situations where my rigid or flaky boundaries have led to some seriously questionable behaviours and decisions. So establishing healthy boundaries has got to be better, hasn't it? Or is the thought of putting in healthy boundaries making you look for the getaway car? If your palms are starting to sweat or you're feeling queasy, even thinking about changing boundaries, then that's understandable and it might be a sign that your boundaries need a review. If you're not in the habit of living with healthy boundaries then the prospect of setting new boundaries can be scary. But why is that? Why is the prospect of making changes that will clearly benefit you so daunting? Join me in the next episode to find out.