006 - Fear and Boundaries: Why We Struggle to Set Limits

In this episode of Life with Purpose, Mel Harrowsmith explores the origins of our personal boundaries and why the idea of changing them can feel so terrifying. Whether your boundaries are rigid, porous, or healthy, they are often shaped by childhood experiences, cultural influences, and - most importantly - fear. Fear of rejection, abandonment, or not being good enough often prevents us from setting the boundaries we need to live a more fulfilling life.

Mel breaks down why we sometimes fail to uphold our boundaries and how unhealthy boundary patterns develop. Through relatable examples, you’ll discover how fear-driven decisions keep you from maintaining healthy limits and what you can do about it. Ready to start setting boundaries that reflect your true values? Tune in and prepare for the next episode, where we dive into how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

For more insights, tips, and guidance on living a meaningful life, visit Mel Harrowsmith Coaching. Ready to dive deeper? Reach out to book a session and start your journey towards purpose today.

Edited with finesse, transcribed and produced by Mike Roberts at Making Digital Real

Transcript

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Welcome to this second Life with Purpose episode on personal boundaries. In the first instalment, I talked about what boundaries are, the different types of boundaries, and some of the behaviour traits we see when people are upholding the different boundary types. In this episode, I'm going to talk about where boundaries come from, and why changing our boundaries can seem so terrifying. Most of us will employ all three boundary types at some point, whether that's rigid, open, or hopefully healthy. I think it's clear that healthy boundaries are the way forward, which raises the question of why do we develop rigid or porous boundaries in the first place? Boundaries are often based on our childhood experiences and environment. Our experience of boundaries when we are young shape our boundaries as we get older. If you grew up in an environment with healthy boundaries, then you are more likely to have healthy boundaries as an adult. Our boundaries will be based on experiences with others, and tested through our own trial and error, or through observing how others set and operate within their boundaries. Our culture, society, and relationships all have an impact on the boundaries we set, and if all of that leads to healthy, effective boundaries, then that's great. But when it leads to rigid or open boundaries, then that's where the trouble can start. The individual situations and scenarios that can push you from healthy to unhealthy boundaries are myriad, but the underlying cause is often fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of not being good enough are typical fears that underlie unhealthy boundaries. That fear then drives behaviours that undermine any attempts at maintaining healthy boundaries, or prevents boundaries being set in the first place. Let me give you an example to illustrate what I mean. You've been invited to a dinner party, and you ask the host if you can bring anything, and your host asks you to bring a bottle of wine. You don't drink alcohol, and you really don't want to be buying any, but you say, Sure, I'll bring a bottle. Then the inner voice starts, Why did you say that? You don't drink. You don't want to purchase any alcohol. And anyway, you don't know what to buy. What are you going to drink if everyone else is drinking wine? You can't just drink water. You'll have to find something different. Maybe a soft drink. We don't want to be drinking anything really sugary or caffeinated at that time of night. What will the other people at the party think when they realise you're not drinking? And that inner voice might have a jolly old time running amok in your head for an hour or two, maybe even a day or two, wreaking havoc in your mind. So what could you have said? Could you have said something like, Actually, I don't drink, so I'll pick up some non-alcoholic drinks. And if you couldn't say something like that, what is it that's stopping you? Is it because you think if you were honest about not drinking, your host might somehow be disappointed and judge you? Or he might have planned the whole meal around the bottle of wine that you might bring. And if you don't bring a bottle, he'll be cross with you because you're being inconvenient and he won't like you anymore. In other words, whichever way we look at this, there's a fear of rejection. Now you have to buy a bottle of something you really don't want to buy. You're not sure what to buy and you're worrying that the choice you make could throw the whole course of the dinner party off. So maybe you're starting to think about feigning a cold just to get out of it. The reality is if you've been able to be honest and said, actually, I prefer not to bring alcohol, but I can bring an alternative, then you would have set a physical boundary that your host can work to. When you're clear and honest about your limits, people can adapt and adjust. No fuss, no harm. Now, your mind may have wandered off at this point and started thinking about situations where you've set a boundary and someone else has just piled straight through it. You've said you don't like alcohol and you've been handed a beer. You've said no and they've done whatever it is you said no to and manoeuvred you so you find that you're doing whatever it is you said no to. People will always, always test your boundaries in some shape or form. The point is you need to uphold them. And the reason you don't comes back to fear. Other fears that affect our attitude towards boundaries include the presumption that boundaries somehow restrict us, that they stop us from enjoying ourselves, that will stop people from liking us, that they somehow make us selfish and self-centred. Boundaries are not right or wrong. They're based on your values and life experiences, which means as you grow and learn who you are, your boundaries are likely to change. And guess what? You can change your boundary if your opinions change. That doesn't make you selfish or stop people liking you. That just makes you a decent human being who is willing to adapt and grow. So if moving away from rigid or porous boundaries is horrifying, even if you know your current relationship with your boundaries is holding you back from your life purpose, how do you get out of this seemingly catch-22 situation? How can you set healthy boundaries and maintain them? In the next episode, we'll cover just that.