008 - Hold the Line: How to Keep Your Boundaries Firm

In this episode of Life with Purpose, Mel Harrowsmith dives into the tough reality of keeping those hard-earned boundaries in place. You've set your boundaries—yay, go you!—but now comes the challenge of holding firm when others start poking at them. Whether it's subtle nudging or full-on boundary busting, this episode is all about how to stand your ground with confidence.

Mel shares why some people might react badly to your new boundaries and gives you the courage to say "No" (and mean it!). You’ll learn key phrases like, “I appreciate the offer, but that's not for me,” and “Stop,” to help you assert yourself without guilt. It's time to stop people-pleasing and start prioritising your own well-being.

And remember, if this topic is hitting a little too close to home, Mel encourages you to reach out for professional support when needed. Tune in for tips, tough love, and a reminder that you deserve boundaries that stick.

For more insights, tips, and guidance on living a meaningful life, visit Mel Harrowsmith Coaching. Ready to dive deeper? Reach out to book a session and start your journey towards purpose today.

Edited with finesse, transcribed and produced by Mike Roberts at Making Digital Real

Transcript

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Welcome to episode 4 in this Life with Purpose series on boundaries. You've reviewed your values, you've worked out what's important to you and what's negotiable and non-negotiable. You have set your boundaries. You did it! Yay! Now, let me guess. Some of the people in your life do not like it. There may be all sorts of tactics at play to test how firm your new boundaries are, ranging from subtle attempts to dig under the perimeter fence to all-out war to blow those new boundaries up. This is the hard reality of what you may face when you shift from unhealthy to healthy boundaries. You need to hold firm and keep those boundaries in place. And with some awareness and practice, you can keep your boundaries intact. Firstly, you need to remember that people will generally test your boundaries at least once, if not multiple times, to see just how secure your boundaries are and to potentially remove them to serve their own needs. Some people have no idea they're doing this and some will know exactly what they are doing. Either way, you need to have the courage to maintain your position if you want your boundaries to be respected. Secondly, if people are reacting badly to your new healthy boundary, then it's likely that the change in the status quo is unsettling them and they are reacting to their own emotions by being upset with you. If you can, try not to get upset by their reaction and gently stay firm. Yes, it might be important to listen to the other person and be reasonable with them, and this might even help you work out if your boundaries are non-negotiable or not. But having healthy boundaries in a healthy relationship doesn't mean you have to please the other person by being nice, and it doesn't mean you give in. If you've had very rigid or porous boundaries, then it's likely that your inner voice has convinced you you don't deserve clear boundaries and you can't have healthy boundaries for whatever reason. That might make you feel uncomfortable. However, it is the uncomfortable truth, and changing what that voice is saying is important. You need to accept that your wants, needs and desires matter, that you deserve to be well treated, that you are in control of how you allow others to treat you, and that you will take care of yourself. Changing the things you say to yourself can be tough and it can take time, so the bottom line is you must be strong and you might need some courage. You might have to really think about how you're communicating and the language you use, even if using language you're not comfortable with, both with yourself and with others. And I'm not talking about profanity, although the thought of saying this two-letter word might be just as offensive to you as much more colourful four-letter words. I'm just talking about saying no. The word no is powerful and you might have to start wielding that power. Other phrases you may need to use to maintain your boundaries include I can't help you, that's not okay for me, this has to change, I feel unsafe and I won't do it, I don't agree, I would like, I would prefer, I need more time to think about that, I really appreciate the offer but that's not for me, this is as much as I'm willing to do, and stop. You might be feeling uncomfortable listening to these phrases and you may be thinking some of them sound like an ultimatum or confrontational. The truth is maintaining boundaries can be tough. Most of us want to be liked and you probably want to have healthy relationships with those in your personal life and at work, but it is important that you have a healthy relationship with yourself. So let's recap. You've reviewed your boundaries, you've identified what you need to put in place to meet your values, you've set some new boundaries, you've practised putting them in place, you've explored what you are willing to negotiate on and what you must maintain with no negotiation, and you are maintaining your healthy boundaries and all the while you've been kind to yourself. By establishing healthy boundaries you've set clear parameters from within which you can maintain your values and get your needs met with enjoyment and respect for yourself and others. I just wanted to finish with a final thought. When I started pulling together this series of podcasts about boundaries I knew that the topic of boundaries can stray into some very serious and harmful scenarios. The reality is I found it difficult to tread the line between saying enough about boundaries to be thought-provoking without being triggering. I haven't drawn on the most difficult situations people can find themselves in when boundaries are a serious issue and that's because I'm not a therapist and this is a podcast so there's no one on hand for those who might need extra support when listening to these topics. However, I am aware that just straying into this topic has the potential to be triggering. If you found the subject in this set of podcasts difficult and you feel you are in a potentially dangerous or abusive situation then please, please reach out to a trusted professional for help.