009 - Straight Talking Dating Coach - Eimear Draper

In this special guest episode, Mel Harrowsmith is joined by Eimear Draper, a straight-talking dating coach and founder of Kindling Dating. Together, they dive into the world of dating, exploring how our closest relationships influence our sense of purpose and fulfilment. Eimear shares insights into the dating challenges of 2024, the impact of gender stereotypes on modern dating, and why it’s essential to stay open and genuine when seeking a meaningful connection.

This episode offers practical tips to make dating a positive experience. 

Eimear’s no-nonsense advice is sure to inspire you to bring authenticity and purpose to your search for love.

For more insights, tips, and guidance on living a meaningful life, visit Mel Harrowsmith Coaching. Ready to dive deeper? Reach out to book a session and start your journey towards purpose today.

Edited with finesse, transcribed and produced by Mike Roberts at Making Digital Real

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Life With Purpose podcast. In this guest episode, I'm talking to Eimear Draper, the straight-talking dating coach. Now, you might be thinking, what's this got to do with living a life with purpose? Positive relationships, particularly intimate relationships, have a profound impact on our sense of joy and fulfilment.

Your nearest and dearest are also likely to be the people who have the most influence on the decisions you make for your sense of purpose, so getting the right people in your corner is paramount. And if you're looking for a significant other, then that is probably going to start with dating. In this episode, Eimear and I will cover what the common challenges are for people in the dating game, how gender stereotypes are influencing heterosexual dating, and some pointers for making dating safe and enjoyable, no matter how you define or identify yourself.

Hello and welcome to the Life With Purpose podcast. This time, I'm joined by Eimear Draper, who is the self-confessed straight-talking dating coach and founder of Kindling Dating. Welcome, Eimear.

It's an absolute pleasure to have you with me today, and I'm looking forward to hearing what you've got to say about dating in 2024, and perhaps sharing some advice and guidance for people who are in the dating scene right now. But before we get into that, perhaps you could say a little bit about who you are and what you do. Yeah, so I am Eimear, and as you say, I am the straight-talking dating coach.

So I help people who are feeling a bit stuck in their dating and their ability to, you know, meet the right kind of people or get the relationship that they want. And mostly, my help is twofold. One is the kind of mindset work of, you know, bringing it back into yourself of what is it you actually want, knowing your value and what you bring to somebody, believing that you will find that person that you're lucky for.

Getting rid of some of the BS stories, as I call them, that you've been telling yourself. And then the second half is really practical tips and tricks, how to navigate, how to get out, how to make sure you're being open, and, you know, genuinely putting yourself in a place where you can make those connections. Brilliant. 

So what was it that made you sit up and think the world needs Ema Draper as a dating coach? Pretty much driven by my own personal experience. I spent a long time single. As a result, I put a lot of focus into my career and then kind of got a little bit labeled as, you know, too focused on her career to find a man.

And that felt like an easier BS story for myself to peddle out rather than actually I'm quite disappointed that I haven't met somebody. And then various things happened and I decided to get serious about it. I met my husband through Tinder and then I saw, you know, I knew dating was hard, but then I saw from his side that dating was hard as well.

And it just kind of got me thinking, like, what's going on here? There seems to be quite a disconnect in between, you know, me and my female friends are saying about dating versus what guys are actually experiencing. And I started thinking, like, and I could see other people were stuck, not able to meet somebody. And I was like, what did we do that was different? How can we made it work? Is there something I can do to help? And then my previous career was fashion e-commerce.

I kind of got to a point where I was like, why am I getting really stressed out about selling people stuff that they don't need? Like the stuff is, you know, a little sticky pasta over the void that you're trying to fill. And actually what people need is connection. And that drove me down this path of, you know, becoming an accredited life coach and applying that and my own personal experience to helping people move forward in their dating.

Wow. So I'm really interested in obviously what drives people into the choices that they make, whether that's through career or through their relationships. So when you were thinking about moving into dating coaching, and you're obviously comparing that to what you were doing, which was fashion e-commerce.

Can you describe how the differences fell so that you knew that the dating coaching was what you wanted to do? I think it was quite a process of getting there and it's constantly evolving. Like when I initially started thinking about like, what can I do? How can I make this better? You know, I said my background is e-commerce. I'm quite a kind of like technical minded person.

And that started me on like, maybe it's a new dating app. And I did quite a bit of research into that of like, what could be different. The idea I actually had was that it would just be, you would match and then the app would arrange the date for you.

So you didn't have that whole backwards and forwards where you end up losing the connection because you just got stuck in admin. And the more research I did into that, I was like, actually, it's not really the problem. The problem is people getting stuck in their head and it's the mindset that they are approaching it with.

And, you know, there's, I think there's about 1,500 to 2,000 dating apps in the world. So I was like, I don't think we actually need another dating app. Maybe we just need to look at ourselves and how we're approaching them.

So that kind of shifted into, you know, I started doing counseling skills training and then that shifted into action. Maybe it's more life coaching because life coaching feels more action orientated than than counseling does. And all the while I was kind of, you know, building off my research and I took some test clients.

And I had this idea of a program to take people through that in a way it's almost like AA, but for your dating. And it's kind of like starting with just getting honest, you know. And that's obviously built up from my experience of I wasted almost 10 years being like, I'm fine on my own, I'm all right.

And then going on dates, giving off this massive energy of I don't need you, which is not attractive and basically just self-sabotaging. So, yeah, like the same as when somebody joins Alcoholics Anonymous, the first part is standing up and saying, I'm an alcoholic. The same with your dating, the first part is standing up and saying, I want to find somebody.

And we've created so much shame around that and like that we should be, you know, strong, independent, I don't need anybody. And this whole rhetoric of you must love yourself first before anybody can love you creates all this like keeping us stuck, I think. And it's like, well, you know, be proud that you're brave enough to stand up and say, I want to find somebody.

And I don't know actually how, because it is a really overwhelming dating scene. And also that it's all right to ask for help, you know, get help in everything else in life. You know, if you want to change career or get a promotion in your career, you'll get a careers coach.

If you want to lose weight, you'll probably get a nutritionist. If you want to get fitter, you'll get a personal trainer at the gym instead of just going alone. Like so many things that you don't even think about, like booking your holiday, use a travel agent, find where you want to live, use a real estate agent.

And love and relationships and quite possibly the most important thing of who you spend the majority of your time with. We're just like, yeah, we'll just leave it to, you know, maybe it'll happen when it's meant to happen. Yeah, absolutely. 

I think it's interesting there that you talked a little bit about apps and then recognising that actually it's not the app that's the issue. It's the issues that people are taking into the apps that are where the problems are and that's what you want to tackle. You want to help people with their challenges, their limiting beliefs, whatever it is they're bringing in that as you said is sabotaging their attempts to date well.

But you also mentioned there that your experience of dating and your now husband's experience of dating, that there were some differences and that also inspired you. So what kind of differences are you seeing between what you said was your sort of female experience and your husband's experience? Yeah. So I think as women, we will quite easily, you know, get together, have a drink. 

I'm really struggling. Apps are terrible. And that very quickly spirals down into all the men are terrible. 

And it's like, yeah, you might have had some bad experiences, but they're not all terrible. But we at least have that outlet. Whether it's always positive, I'm not entirely sure, to be honest.

And then, you know, my husband and some of his friends were doing online dating as well, and they were able to open my eyes to, we still expect the men to do the first approach, whether that's messaging or asking you out on a date. Even though we're using a very 21st century method of meeting people, we're still applying those kind of 1950s standards. And, you know, he would say, like, I could send out 10 messages of a night and get absolute no responses.

And I was like, God, that's like, you know, it feels like it may be not as impactful on or not as brutal as if you go up and ask somebody in a pub like, oh, you know, whatever chat up line you're going to use and they say no. At least then you went back to your mates and you kind of laughed it off. But if you're at home getting that constantly on your own, I'm like, that must be really cutting into the self-esteem.

And yeah, and then it's like on the flip side, you have women kind of go, oh, he only sent a message that said hi, I don't respond to just hi, because he obviously isn't interested in me because he couldn't be bothered putting in the effort. And I'm like, yeah, but if he sent 10 beautifully crafted messages last night and got no responses, of course, he's just sending hi today. And that's fine. 

And we all, I think everyone, I don't know, it's almost like we're in our main character energy of like, whatever happens must be about me. So if he's just sent hi, it's because he doesn't like me enough. In fact, he's just looked at a couple of your pictures and he's just trying to do something to get it started. 

It's nothing to do with you. And then we tend to use whatever's happening to reinforce those stories that you have on. So if it is, I don't know, for men, women only like guys that are six foot, the more rejection they get, the more they go, it's because I'm not six foot, it's because women only like men that are six foot.

And then for women, if it might be, I don't know, guys like younger women, the more rejection they get, the more they go, oh, it's because all the guys have gone for the younger women. What hope do I have? And it could be nothing to do with any of those. It could just be, you know, somebody got hit by a bus or they are having a bad time and they just delete all the apps for their own mental health.

You don't need to interject on me because I will just ramble on. And then just constantly backing that up. But then there's also this thing, and I see this a lot in the coaching that I do as well. 

So you get individuals who are finding it really difficult to see anything other than their own immediate situation. So as you said, a guy just sends a quick hi. Somebody immediately turns that into being all about them. 

Well, they're not really that interested and they're not this and they're not that and they're not the other and immediately making a whole set of assumptions and judgments when actually that person said hi. That does show some interest. So how are you helping the people who come to you navigate those limiting beliefs, judgments, assessments, confirmation biases? What kind of things do you do? Initially, it's a shining runway on them. 

So I kind of do an exercise of like, what are the stories that you're telling yourself that are blocking you? And we kind of dig a little bit deeper and deeper into those. And then we start challenging those assumptions. So, you know, it might be, I'm trying to think of one. 

Somebody's come and said dating apps don't work. Yeah, on a very kind of surface level. And it's like, well, I mean, there's plenty of examples out there that they do work. 

How are you approaching it? And then you realize this person's been swiping no to everybody because they're going into the mindset with like, dating apps don't work. I'm wasting my time on this. No, no, no, no, no. 

Or they're finding reasons to discount people. I was like, well, how about if you just flip that and you said yes to everyone and see what happens? And it's, you know, that's quite an extreme example. But there's lots of different examples where we can just take this thing that you have built up as your story and start chipping away at it and start doing something different that challenges it. 

And then you have the challenge to prove that actually maybe it's not 100% right. And part of why I call myself the Straight Talking Dating Coach is because I am sometimes a little bit tough with people. I'm like, well, that seems like the same old story that you were telling me last week. 

And actually, is it true? Like, you know, that example of, well, he didn't put any effort into arranging the date. It means he mustn't be in it just about me. And I thought, well, you're a stranger. 

Like, let's be honest, you met on a dating app, you've exchanged a few messages, you're a stranger. He's not going to put in an elaborate game plan for a first date. And you expecting it is actually that might be where the misalignment is. 

And let's work on that. Let's work on why you're attaching your value to how much effort a stranger is putting into a date and just reprogram that a little bit. Yeah. 

And Saza, that example there that you've given, I mean, we're talking about the women there potentially having quite high expectations, and the men not necessarily building the date that that particular example wanted. Is that another one of these differences that you're seeing between men and women coming into the dating scene? The sense that I'm getting now, because dating apps have been around for, what, 12 years now, I think, is that everyone's a bit jaded. And actually, that sense of jadedness and that sense of despondency is coming across. 

And then people are reading it as it's a despondency towards me. And it's not. It's like, exactly that example of if they spent ages sending all these messages and got no response, obviously, they're just not going to put as much effort in.

If they've gone on a date a week, you know, for the last three months and none of them have made it past the first date, they start to put less effort into what the first date is. And then it becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? Because actually, if you're not truly being present and you're not actually showing up when you do go on a date, then yeah, nobody's going to want a second date with you. But I think it does take something to come in and actually hold the mirror up and say, hey, this is actually how you're showing up. 

And is that really how you want to be? And do you think that's really going to attract the kind of person that you want to attract? And what are we going to change and do differently? But I think it takes some kind of a moment that shakes people out of it a little bit. Whatever that might be. Yeah. 

So if you think people are getting quite jaded with the current dating scene, and particularly with the reliance on apps, I mean, what's the solution to that? Is it about the work that you're doing, which is teaching people and supporting people to have a more positive experience on the apps? Or is it what you mentioned earlier about the lack of that personal connection? And do we need to go old school and get out and meet people face to face again? Yeah, I say to everyone, it's like, do online dating, because why wouldn't you? It opens up a big pool. But I have quite an efficient strategy for it. And I kind of almost advise that you're not getting emotionally engaged with an app, because that's what's happening. 

When people are getting really drained and pouring so much energy and emotions into an app, and it's like, actually, no, cut that and save it until you actually meet the person and just use it as the tool. It is intended, it is to meet people. And I get like a little bit frustrated when people are like, oh, I just want to meet somebody in real life. 

And I was like, but meeting somebody on a date that you met through an app is meeting somebody in real life. It just means there's a little bit of like pre work to getting to meet them in real life, but it is meeting somebody in real life. So one, do the apps, but be efficient. 

Don't get stuck in the whole pen pal admin zone of it all. Get out and go to events. I mean, singles events, they're hit and miss. 

Is it likely that you're going to meet the love of your life? Possibly not. But the great thing is you're making connections. You are seeing whether it is people of the same sex as you, in the same situation as you, that makes you kind of go, oh, I'm not alone in this.

Or it's just sitting across from somebody who, yeah, you mightn't fancy them. Maybe they're not your cup of tea, but they are in the same situation as you. There's a human and they're looking for genuine connection. 

And then you can take that and go back to your dating app of choice and have a bit more empathy. And, you know, instead of just finding fault in all these pictures or profiles, you're going, oh, actually, that is a human. The other end of that picture is a human. 

And they are maybe just like that person I met on Wednesday night that was a really nice person, but not for me, but they're a good person for somebody. And that can kind of shift your attitude. And then generally it's just being open. 

So openly telling your friends and family, I'd like to meet somebody. And not necessarily that they are going to know somebody, but at least they're thinking about it. And it also is just creating this more open energy. 

The more you're able to own it and say, yeah, I'm single, but I would like to meet somebody. And I think it would be really lovely. And I'm sure I will at some point.

And that you're creating that open energy, that belief that you're going to find somebody. And it just lifts it. I think if you've been single for a long time, everyone just assumes you're fine. 

And you fall into being like, you know, confirmed bachelor, which is just weird phrasing that we use. But actually reminding them that actually, no, I would like to meet somebody and not feeling any shame around it because we're all built for connection. And we shouldn't have to feel like we're not part of the group because we're the odd one out or we're any lesser than anybody else. 

It's just a different circumstance for now. It's a really interesting point about the attitude that people go into dating with. You said earlier on about you went through a phase focusing on your career and putting out that message that I'm fine. 

So nothing happened. But at the point that that energy changes and we consciously made the connection that, yeah, actually, we do want to be with somebody and we open ourselves up. That was when things start to happen.

Because I think we have a habit as human beings of forgetting how many subconscious animal instincts we still have, however you want to describe it. So that energy, the blockers, the barriers that people put up, although you might not be saying the words to back those up, people can detect them. So if you go into an app or even a dating event with a, I'm alright, I don't know why I'm here, I'm not going to get anything out of it. 

Well, that's exactly what you're going to get. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 

And if you're lacking in that confidence or lacking in that belief that anybody is going to want to be with you, same thing. The energy is just off and people can just feel it. And the most attractive thing is confidence, regardless of how you look or how you talk or anything. 

Just being confidently yourself is what's attractive. And I think we get stuck into this whole comparison mindset. And I think particularly, maybe this is why people find going to events hard, because you're in a room and it feels like you're competing with the other, you know, men for the women or the women for the men. 

And, you know, we do not need to be the most attractive person in the room. We just need that one person that you're looking for to look at you and go, that's the most attractive person in the room for me. And it's, again, confidence one brings that, but then also that open energy that you're like, you know who you are, you know that somebody is going to be lucky to be with you. 

And then you can just be yourself. There's no, I don't, one thing with dating coaching, I think people straight away think of like, oh, it's, you know, do this few text messages to get them chasing you or do this or do that. And I don't believe in any game plans or, you know, that kind of strategies to call in the one. 

I'm all about you showing up as you, authentically you, knowing that the right person for you is going to love everything, whether it's the weird jokes that you like or strange way that you segregate your food on your plate before you eat it, like whatever. Like the right person is just going to find them lovely and the wrong person doesn't and that's fine. You know, I think that's the other part is that you have to get comfortable with rejection because you're literally looking for one person. 

So you're going to reject those people, those people are going to reject you. It's just part of it. And you're not taking it so personally, not taking it as a hit to you every time. 

It's just that wasn't the right one for me. And that's fine. Yeah.

So it sounds to me that when you're encouraging somebody to head out into the dating world, or maybe they're already there and they're struggling, that one of the biggest messages from you is, you know, be honest, be genuine. Yeah, absolutely. And I think on dating profiles, the more true version of you that you can show, the more likely it is that the people that are genuinely going to have a chance to connect with you will find you. 

And we can get into this game of, you know, dating apps is a bit like social media. The more likes I get, the more attractive I am or the better I'm doing. And it's not, you're literally looking for one person.

So it's almost, you couldn't show some of those quirks and stuff that the people that are going to be freaked out by that just don't even swipe on you. And then that makes it easier because then you've got a smaller pool that you're working on. But then this does lead to the disconnect that we were talking about.

That seems to be, that's the female experience. Women get a lot more likes, a lot more matches. They have almost this admin process of wading through them. 

And men don't get the same interaction. The stats are, I think women swipe yes to about 30% of profiles, which means that there's like a chunk of profiles that are getting a lot of likes when you're a guy. And then there's a whole bunch of profiles that are getting no interaction.

And that's, I think, leading to knocking their self-esteem, knocking their confidence, not then wanting to go out to the in-person events because you're like, oh, well, I can't even get somebody to message me on an app. Why will I go to an in-person event and feel like I'm getting rejected in person? And, you know, it's trying to shift that. And, yeah.

It was interesting pointing out there about the men potentially being more reluctant to go to an in-person event than the women. Because I know that at Kindling Dating, you do face-to-face events. And I know you've done one recently. 

And the women's tickets sold out. And the men were struggling. So, I mean, from my perspective, looking at that, I was thinking, blimey, if you're a man, get to those events because you're going to be in the minority and therefore very popular.

I think if I was to like give, just boil it down to like simple, simple takeaways, I would say men get out to events because absolutely you are the rare commodity. And I don't fully understand what's going on there, whether it's a lack of confidence or you need the kind of social proofing of other men are going to this, therefore it's not uncool to go to. But either way, if you can step up and go, I think, yeah. 

I mean, I've had somebody else tell me about a big event company that she went for, walked in and she was like, it was over a hundred women and there was only five men in the room. And I mean, that has good odds, really, isn't it? So, yeah, men go to events and then women, I would say, swipe more. And it's not about lowering your standards. 

It's just being more open and just not finding reasons to scout people within the app. It's like just pop them in the S bundle and then see what happens. Because the stats are a bit wild, actually.

So we've talked quite a lot about classic, traditional gender types, men and women. Are you seeing any other trends in the other groups or is it the same thing? Is it still about understanding who you are, being open, being honest? Yeah, so I do coach LGBTQ, non-binary, everyone, really, because my deal is to steal that catchphrase, love is love. We are all human and we are looking for connection. 

And it is the same things that are coming off. It's the same, you know, what are your stories that you're telling yourself that are blocking you and are you clear about what it is that you want? And that's what kind of shifts the dial. And then it's, you know, when you're out of the heterosexual space, it's kind of a fun space to work in, actually, because there's less of the, OK, men are doing this and women are doing this kind of stereotypes dynamics. 

And if there's different apps that we're suggesting that you use and you try with some of them on the same apps as the heterosexual space. And yeah, I think it's exactly that. It's finding what's right for that person.

And just seeing where that goes. And make it not very pleasant. And how do you navigate pushing through that to test it? Is this genuinely something to be concerned about? Or is this my stuff? They've all cancelled on the end. 

I could have, like, done a date tonight. Obviously, I was leading to where I knew that's where I wanted it to go. And then he came back. 

I said, I was like, I was just sitting on the sofa having a bottle of wine. And he's like, Oh, same here. Shall we share a bottle? And I just automatically jumped into assumptions of, oh, my God, Tinder guys.

So they're fighting themselves around. They haven't even met him. I thought he was one of the good ones. 

I threw my phone down in absolute temper. And then I was like, all right, calm down. Give him a chance. 

And I messaged back and I said, yeah, sure, we can share one in a pub. And he took the direction. And he was like, OK, this place is halfway in between the two of us. 

How long will it take you to get there? Cool. We met like in about 40 minutes time. And it was like, I think actually the fact that we were both very open to an impromptu date like that is probably a good sign that we were going to be aligned. 

But then, you know, ages later when I told him of my reaction when he said he was like, I would never do that. I'm not into that kind of thing at all. And it was just, I don't even know if it was a red flag. 

I think it was just me making assumptions. And I do take a bit of issue with generally people talk about red flags and negative things around dating. I think, yes, you get some weirdos. 

Yes, you get some people that are not behaving well. But most people are genuine and most people are nice people. And if you are looking for red flags, you will find them. 

Like back to your point earlier about confirmation bias. If all you're thinking about is I'm looking out for the red flags, then you're going to see them everywhere. And they're not necessarily there. 

It's just your personal previous experience has built up this picture of what people are like. And then you're just confirming it because then you're proving to yourself that you're right. And everyone wants to be right. 

We don't want to necessarily prove to ourselves that we're wrong. And I kind of two ways to get out of that. One is just give people a chance.