#23 Why Birth Order Actually Matters (Yes, Even If You’re 35 and Over It)

Did your family birth order shape your personality? Spoiler: yep. In this episode, we explore how birth order influences your identity, temperament, and adult relationships. Whether you're the eldest child, middle child, youngest, or only child, this episode helps you understand how your role in the family still shows up in your life today.

You’ll learn the psychology behind birth order, what patterns to look for, and how to break free from the expectations you never asked for.

This podcast is meant to be a conversation — not a lecture. 🖤

Have thoughts, questions, or a topic you want covered? Or want to share how this episode supported you?

Email me at kayla@evolutionwellnessnc.com
or find me on social at @itskaylareilly. I genuinely love hearing what you’re navigating. ✨

Transcript

Parenting Reality and Birth Order

Speaker 1 0:01

So today I woke up, my children were both on my actual body. I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old. Robert was out of town. He was working. I think he's in Connecticut right now, but anyways he's out of town, he's working.

Speaker 1 0:16

So the kids are kind of like they're disrupted. They understand someone's missing, like what's going on? Miles was asking where's daddy? Where's daddy? Where's daddy? Where's daddy's dinner? Where's daddy going to sleep? Anyways, long story short, it disrupts their pattern.

Speaker 1 0:30

So they were both in the bed with me, which they are usually not. We usually try to get them to sleep in their own dang beds. Margo's still in a crib, so it's a little bit easier. But anyways, I got out of the car today. They had had a hard night. Anyways, I got out of the car today. They had had a hard night.

Speaker 1 0:47

Margo was fine, but Miles absolutely refused to get out of the car. So this wouldn't have been me a year ago. But today I woke up tired as all heck. They woke me up at like 5.30 in the morning. Miles was refusing to get out of the car. I took him by the arm and I dragged him. I didn't do it with anger, I did it calmly. I said we can either walk in or I can carry you into school. But I was carrying a one-year-old on my hip so I grabbed him by the arm I say that with anger, but I didn't do it with anger in the moment and I just dragged him. Just dragged him and he was like crying and screaming and I just calmly dragged him. I said do you want to walk? He's like no. I was like okay, then I'm going to keep pulling you.

Speaker 1 1:31

And then on my way home, I was kind of giggling because Margo doesn't throw those fits when I bring her into daycare. I just pick her up, I carry her in, I kiss her, I say goodbye and I leave. And I wonder if it's because of birth order. I wonder if it's because ever since forever, when she goes to daycare, I just drop her off. I'm a little relieved, to be honest, to be able to drop them off and come home and have a cup of coffee and be able to drink it while it's still hot. If you're a parent, you understand this, because it's hard, it's hard, it's really hard, it's rewarding, it's the best thing I've ever done. But raising children is so hard and now that I'm raising children, I'm starting to understand why birth order impacts us psychologically so much deeper. I've always talked about it with my clients in therapy, like about you know what's your birth order? Oh, that makes sense, right. But now, as I'm raising children, I get it on such a deeper, freaking level.

Why Birth Order Matters

Speaker 1 2:36

And now I wanted to do a little series. So this is the first of a four part series on birth order. Why does it matter, how it impacts you, how it shows up in adulthood? I just think it's interesting and I think we're going to have some fun. I'll throw in some stories in here. So today we're just going to do an overview of why birth order matters, a little bit of the psychology background about it, and then the next three episodes are going to be first child. Second, slash middle child. Third, slash baby. Yeah, let's dive into it. This is the birth order series. Okay, so why does birth order even matter? It's not just a BuzzFeed quiz Like.

Speaker 1 3:29

Psychologists have actually been talking about this for over a hundred years. Your first three years, your first five years, your first 10 years of life are imperative. They are really imperative to how you develop psychologically. Alfred Adler, this old white guy psychologist I'd imagine there are women that probably develop these ideas too, but of course the history books ignore them. Alfred Adler was one of the first to suggest that your place in the family lineup shapes how you see yourself and how you treat and relate to others. So then came this other guy I'm assuming white guy Frank Salloway. Again, sorry history, women and brown people just are ignored. But anyways, frank Salloway basically said kids are not just born into families, they're born into these roles. And because your parents are different people, with each child, every kid grows up a slightly different emotional environment. And I love that, because if you know anybody who's a twin, you can see that two people were born at the same exact time, can shape into two completely different personalities.

Speaker 1 4:48

You look at siblings, man. When I look at you know, not even just to myself but when I look at my husband and his siblings, they are all so, so different. And when I look at me and my siblings, they're all so, so different. So let me say that again the parents, your parents, were not the same people when they had your sibling as when they had you. Right, we all develop as human beings and the exposure to being a parent changes you. So you know, the person I was when I had Margo, miles was two, that's two years of being a parent for the first time ever. So when I had Margo, I was a completely different parent to her than I was and a different person. Your identity completely shifts. So think about that as it applies to your life. Your parents were completely different people when they had you as to when they had your sibling. So if you got the stressed out rule following, we read every baby book, here's your baby book and we clipped your hair and we saved your teeth version of your parents, you might also have a sibling that got the just don't die when I shower kind of energy right Now.

How Birth Order Shapes Personalities

Speaker 1 6:11

Let's talk about this a little bit more. So firstborns are often parented like fragile little glass figurines. Parents have this anxiety. We're reading all the books, we're listening to the advice. There's these high expectations. I say we because I really identify with this right now raising very, very young children. But I'm trying to think about my parents. Right, you're also wicked excited. You're wicked excited. You're wicked energized. You have all these high expectations about who you're going to be as a parent. They get praised for being mature and responsible. Right, these firstborn kids get tons of praise and it often becomes their entire personality. They're raised being rewarded with this attention and this validation from parents, grandparents, because they're the first.

Speaker 1 7:06

Then the second or middle kid comes along. I'm just going to say second for the purpose of this. Maybe you're a middle child, maybe you're the last child, I don't know, but you're a middle child. Maybe you're the last child, I don't know, but let's, you're the second child. Your parents are going to be a little more chill, maybe distracted because they're chasing around a toddler or, you know, they're your older siblings in middle school. Your parents are freaking tired, right, you're left to figure it out a little bit more on your own. You get less pressure, but you also get less attention and praise and validation because your parents are busy thinking, attending to the older child's needs as well as their needs as well as your needs. So you just get that energy and that attention is just a little bit more divided and so you become more adaptable or invisible. But we'll talk about that more when we get to the episode about middle children.

Speaker 1 8:04

Okay, youngest kids listen. No one's reading a damn parent book anymore. They don't even own them anymore. They've given them away. Your parents are tired as hell. Your parents are so tired, you get away with murder because your parents, basically, are exhausted, not just energetically but emotionally, and you also might be underestimated or not taken very seriously because your parents are experienced, they've been through the rigmarole. So when they see you do stuff it's like, yeah, you know, a little bit invalidated if you'll say, or treated like a baby. Right, again, we'll get to that when we get into the episode on being the youngest child or the baby. I like the term the baby, even though I'm sure the youngest child doesn't like that term. Okay, and if you're an only child, you are this weird cocktail of firstborn responsibility and youngest child attention. You had all the spotlight and all the pressure and no siblings to experiment socially with. So you're this interesting little cocktail. Maybe I'll add an episode to the series of being an only child. I think that would be cool.

Speaker 1 9:28

Okay, let's talk about the real life impact of birth order roles. So these roles don't just stay with you as a child. They shape who you are, they shape your personality, they shape how you relate to your world, to others, right, they're going to follow you into an adulthood, and mainly in your relationships. So the eldest child might become an over-functioner in relationships. They might be the perfectionist, the type A kind of people, or the one who thinks that rest is like lazy right. Because they were shaped differently In young life, as somebody who was rewarded with praise and attention, they might always seek that.

Speaker 1 10:15

Now. The middle child might be a chronic people pleaser, always smoothing things over even when it's hurting them right. They might struggle with feeling invisible, feeling like they don't matter. So really, you know, trying to achieve, to get that recognition. Now the youngest might be the charming, fun one, but low-key, like avoidant of adult responsibilities or allergic to any kind of structure. And of course, only children might struggle with control, independence or just feeling like they always have to figure things out alone or be alone or have space. So these patterns show up in your marriage, in your friendships, the way you parent your children and especially when you're back with your family of origin.

Birth Order's Impact on Adult Relationships

Speaker 1 11:06

I don't know if you know anybody like this, but when I am around my family of origin I so fall into the first child nonsense. Couple that with being raised in a home of alcoholism and mental health disorders Like that really really made me a type A control freak. But anyways, I really have to be mindful of not falling back into my family role when I'm with my family of origin. We go to Robert's family reunion every year. It's like a week they spend on the Outer Banks and everybody stays in the same house and, holy bejesus, do they all fall into their childhood roles like that? I'm sure it's not who they are at home, because I know that my husband doesn't act the same way at home as he does when he's on this family vacation, and I dread it because my husband is the youngest of four so he falls very much into this baby like passive, I'll do whatever everyone else wants to do, kind of like role. And I am the oldest, so I'm more of like this is what I want to do and you know, let me organize it, let me tell you guys what we should do and and. So I really have to fight that tendency anyways.

Speaker 1 12:24

Okay, so when you go home for the holidays and the vacation and it suddenly feels like you're 12 again and you're sulking and your mom's fussing over your younger sibling, and it's like, oh God, script, replay, script replay, break out of the scripts. So I'm going to invite you to do a tiny bit of an inventory, if you will, a quick inventory of yourself. Are you the one that's always planning the vacations, making sure everyone has matching outfits for the photo, booking the damn Airbnb for the vacation? Like that is first born energy. If you feel like you fade into the background and you try to keep the peace, even when you're seething inside Middle child, middle child, I see you. I see you If people say you're so fun, you're so funny, but you secretly struggle to be taken seriously, you're probably the youngest. Or if you've always carried all the weight, everyone around you assumes you're fine because you've always been fine. You might be an only child.

Speaker 1 13:35

Birth order doesn't define you. Of course there's wiggle room, there's individualities to all of this, but it really does influence the habits that you built to survive, the habits you built to get attention or the behaviors you developed to defend. So defense mechanisms are strongly influenced by your birth order. So sometimes these habits keep running the show, even when you're not a kid anymore, and they become dysfunctional in your adult relationships. And that's a lot of what healing is.

Awareness, Acceptance and Healing

Speaker 1 14:09

When you go see a therapist, when you see a life coach, when you see a mental health coach, whatever, whoever you see, they're going to help, act as a mirror, helping you recognize hey, these traits, these skills that you develop, these defenses, these patterns of being might have served you when you were young. Patterns of being might have served you when you were young. However, they're not serving you right now. They're not serving you in your marriage. They're not serving you as a parent. Let's figure out how to unwire them and help you develop some new skills, some new defenses that are functional, so that you can feel more satisfied, more connected, more happy in your life. You can find that joy. So here are my final thoughts. This is why this matters.

Speaker 1 14:58

Understanding your birth order and understanding it deeply really gives you context. It not only is interesting I don't know if you find it interesting, but I find it incredibly interesting but it also helps you realize like, oh, I wasn't just born this way, I didn't just become that. I became this way because I was shaped, I was parented and influenced by my siblings and the world around me. Once you see it, you have way more control to shift it. So healing happens with awareness, acceptance, action. Awareness is a lot of what you do when you listen to podcasts and you read books and you become aware.

Speaker 1 15:43

But that's not enough y'all. We have to find acceptance and that's really hard, especially with some of these childhood traumas like being the invisible child, being ignored, or being the eldest and being parentified. It's really hard to accept these things. But if you never find acceptance, radical acceptance, you're never going to be able to move into action appropriately. You probably can, but it's never going to work.

Speaker 1 16:12

These are those people who go to therapy and they say, well, that skill doesn't really work for me. Or I've tried mindfulness, it just doesn't. You know it doesn't work for me. Yeah, you know what you need to rewind and go back to the awareness and the acceptance piece.

Speaker 1 16:28

Now, acceptance does not mean being like, yay, cool, I continue to accept to be treated like this for my family, I'm going to allow it. No, no, no, no. Acceptance is more of an emotional journey of coming to a place of being at peace with what's happened to you. Maybe I should do an episode on acceptance, I don't know. Let me know. Hop on over to my social media and send me a message or shoot me an email. Hello at kaylorileycom and let me know if you want an episode on acceptance.

Next Episode Preview

Speaker 1 17:02

Anyways, all right, so next week we're going to hop into the eldest child experience. We're going to do a deep dive on being the eldest child, while you're so good at leading but so bad at letting go, and softness and vulnerability Until then notice how you show up in groups and your marriage at work and ask yourself is this me or am I taking an old role? All right, it was so good being here with you today. Sorry, I skipped a couple of weeks, but I'm back, baby, and I'm gonna try to batch a couple of these so that I don't miss a week. I hope you take care of yourself and you have a really wonderful week. I'll catch you next Monday. Bye.