#25 The Middle Child – Chameleon, Peacemaker, or Just Forgotten?

Were you the middle child—the one who stayed out of the way, kept the peace, and quietly handled your own emotional needs? You’re not alone. In this episode of Not Your Therapist, we dive deep into the psychology of middle child syndrome, emotional distancing, and why so many middle children become chronic people-pleasers or “distancers” in adulthood.

We’ll talk about how middle children are shaped by their role in the family, what happens when your needs are ignored, and how that invisibility can turn into emotional walls later in life. Plus: the difference between being the middle of three vs. the second of two, and why that matters more than you might think.

Whether you’re a recovering mediator or the “easy” one who no one checked on, this episode is your permission slip to stop shrinking and start taking up space.

This podcast is meant to be a conversation — not a lecture. 🖤

Have thoughts, questions, or a topic you want covered? Or want to share how this episode supported you?

Email me at kayla@evolutionwellnessnc.com
or find me on social at @itskaylareilly. I genuinely love hearing what you’re navigating. ✨

Transcript

Introducing Middle Child Psychology

Speaker 1 0:02

the middle child for me was the hardest episode to write and probably going to be the hardest one for me to record, because and it's kind of just like self-explanatory right the middle child withdraws, kind of shuts down, becomes invisible, right Neglected, and therefore it's really hard to understand them because they typically don't share much. Today, on Not your Therapist podcast, I'm going to dive into the psychology behind being the middle child. I'm also going to talk about the difference between being a middle child and just being the second of two children and how that can be similar but also a little bit different. So if you're a middle child, or you are married to a middle child or you have a middle child, you're a parent. I want you to listen to this so that you can understand in a deeper level and maybe make some changes. Let's hop into it. This one is the middle child. Let's be real. Middle children don't get the glory. They're not the trailblazer firstborn or the adorable baby youngest. They're just there. You're not the one with the baby book, they're not the one trying to figure out who they are in the family that seems already full. If you're the middle child, you got less attention. You probably got less structure, but a lot more freedom, and in that freedom you learned to adapt, to not rock the boat, to make yourself small so that no one would make things worse.

Speaker 1 1:53

Middle kids don't always act out. Sometimes they just fade out. A lot of times they act out, though. Let's talk about the psychology for a second. Middle children often develop what psychologists call relational intelligence. They're usually more empathetic, they're more diplomatic, they're more peer-oriented. Hello, found family right? These are the people who usually have deep friendships, and a lot of friendships. These are people who are less likely to form a fixed identity early on. They're more of a seeker of identity and they usually change depending on who they're with or what environment or what's going on in their life. So here's a little bit of the darker side though life. So here's a little bit of the darker side, though. They can struggle with feeling invisible or unimportant, chronic people pleasing. They can have difficulty asserting themselves or expressing their feelings or their needs, or even knowing their feelings and their needs, because they've learned to shove them down deep and emotional distancing, keeping people at arm's length because it never felt safe to need anything from others. So now that's their MO, and I think this one is particularly the hardest to heal from, because not only are you hiding and minimizing your needs from others, you start to hide and minimize your own needs from yourself to hide and minimize your own needs from yourself. So I feel like the middle children have the biggest journey when they're healing, because they really need to connect with a part of them that is probably so small and starving and feeble.

Speaker 1 3:38

You know what I think about when I think about the middle child. This is awful. This is a terrible metaphor, but it's true. It's just. What came to my mind is in Harry Potter, when he beat Lord Voldemort and Lord Voldemort is like shriveled underneath the bench at the King's Cross station, when Harry's dead and is talking to Dumbledore and Dumbledore's telling him like you can go on or you could probably wake the hell up and fight the bad guys and live a life, and Lord Voldemort's just shriveled up and under a bench and feeble. That's so sad. That is so sad. Even Lord Voldemort, I wanted to like hold him. Is it because I'm a mom and I have hormones, or is it just because that image is so sad?

Personal Stories and Family Dynamics

Speaker 1 4:32

Okay, so let me tell you a little bit about my brother, buddy. His name is not Buddy, but we always called him Buddy. That's a story for another day. Called him Buddy that's a story for another day. But, buddy, if you're listening to this, this one's for you. Bro, this isn't my role. I'm the oldest, but I do have my younger brother and I have a younger sister as well, so my brother is a true middle child. So I've watched it up close.

Speaker 1 5:01

My younger brother was the quiet one. He stayed out of the way. He did get in a little trouble, but he never seemed like he needed anything. My parents were chaotic and unhealthy. They were really unwell. They were crazy Sorry, but it's true they were crazy. And when chaos was going down, he just didn't seem to care. He was like leave me alone. Like I used to wake him up at night when they were really fighting and really going at it and be like buddy, mom and dad are fighting again. And he was like just let me go to sleep, right. So he, that wasn't indifference, though, it was self-protection. So that was a kid learning hey, if I ask for less, maybe I'll get hurt less and I'll get rejected less and I'll get denied less. So middle children have the behavior of not being as demanding. That's reinforced in their childhood. So therefore they become distancers in adulthood.

Speaker 1 6:10

So if I've talked about couplehood in here or just being in a relationship, that was my bread and butter when I was seeing clients. I'm going to start seeing clients again. Y'all I'm so excited. So if you're in North Carolina and you want to see me, hop on over to evolutionwellnessnccom or my website, kaylarileycom, and learn how to be my client. I'm taking a really, really select few. I'm taking like four clients Anyways. Okay, so I saw couples. That was my bread and butter.

Speaker 1 6:38

I have tons of training in couple stuff and the biggest dynamic that we see in couples counseling is the pursuer-distancer dynamic. The pursuer is somebody who doesn't contain their energy or their needs or their talking, or they just talk, talk, talk, talk and they're just much. They are a lot right, and they're constantly seeking from their partner to give to them or to be with them or to you know, attend to them, and then they are typically with a distancer. And a distancer is someone who withdraws, avoids that avoidant attachment style, right, someone who's shrinking and is smaller. And the more a pursuer pursues, the more a distancer distances. Yeah, and it's this beautiful trauma dance that continuously reinforces the unhealthy defense mechanisms that you developed in childhood and this is where it comes from folks In childhood, if you were punished for needs, and think about this I'm not saying that middle children were legitimately punished when they expressed needs.

Distancers in Relationships

Speaker 1 7:58

This can be incredibly nuanced conditioning. For example, when I pick my daughter up from school, I put her on my hip and I walk over to Miles' class and then Miles is fussing because he wants to be picked up too. And I'm like, no, I can't help both of you. And come on, buddy, I got a snack in the car and let's go. And all that time Margo's being ignored. I'm like, no, I can't help both of you. And come on, buddy, I got a snack in the car and let's go. And all that time Margo's being ignored. I'm not talking to her about her day, because I'm trying to get her older brother to come on, get in the car, right. So see how she was just reinforced for being quiet and not needy. Does that make sense? Maybe that's not a good example. Let me think of one other one. Okay, so here's another one.

Speaker 1 8:53

Margo will be in the kitchen with me while I'm cooking dinner and Miles is like fussing. I always say he's fussing. He's not always fussing. But this is just the example that are coming up to my in my mind. He's fussing because he can't fix his truck and the little wheel popped off. And I'm trying to fix the wheel but also I'm cooking, so I don't want, you know, the tofu to burn on the fryer or whatever. And so I'm trying to fix the truck and here's little Margo and she's like, eh, like she like fusses at my leg because she wants to be picked up. But here I am trying to fix a truck of a Tonka truck and I'm frying up tofu and so I just give her a snack, I hand her a cheese stick.

Speaker 1 9:35

Boom, that was her quite literally being reinforced to be okay by herself, to not need me. Oh God, that just made me sad, just saying that. But I mean, it's honest, it's honest people. I don't think that any parent wakes up and is like I'm going to emotionally neglect the middle child today or the second child today. You don't do that intentionally. Sometimes this just happens.

Speaker 1 10:01

Now, if you were raised in a home where there were emotionally immature parents, someone with a mental health disorder, somebody, maybe there was a parent that left the picture early, a parent died earlier, a parent abandoned or divorced parents or whatever like, let's say, you have one of these environments that's less healthy, less wholesome. You probably have more explicit examples as a middle child of how you were reinforced to not have needs. I'm sorry that that happened to you, that that's sad, and it's so vital to understand what happened to you so that you can start to unwire. Because guess what? Distancing in a relationship is going to lead to divorce. Distancing in a relationship is going to lead to your partner seeking something else to get those needs met.

Speaker 1 11:01

And that's typically when a couple comes to therapy, is when the distancer's distancing, the distancer's distancing, the distancer's distancing, the pursuer's pursuing and the pursuer's pursuing, and then eventually the pursuer stops distancing. I mean the pursuer stops pursuing and the distancer starts feeling anxiety because they're like whoa, wait a second. He or she is not like coming at me anymore, like what's going on. And that's typically when people come to therapy is when it's a little bit too late and some big damage has been done and we really have to work hard to heal from the wounds, plus heal the original dynamic that perpetuated the wound in the first place. Does that make sense to y'all? I don't know. It makes sense in my mind, but I'm a therapist.

Speaker 1 11:51

I've been doing this for over a decade, okay, so middle children have more relational intelligence, but they also struggle with feeling invisible or unimportant. Or they have learned emotional distancing and just shove their needs down deep. Yeah, and I kind of told you the story of my brother, like not wanting to hear if my parents were like going at it or something bad was happening in the home and I saw it as indifference. It really wasn't, it really was self-protection. Shutting down was a defense mechanism for him. Middle children often become the distancers in adulthood and I just explained to you how being a distancer really can become incredibly dysfunctional.

Middle vs. Second Child Differences

Speaker 1 12:40

And remember that middle children don't distance because they don't want intimacy. It's because they were conditioned to believe that either intimacy is dangerous and bad or when they seek intimacy, connection or getting their needs met, they were rejected, denied or ignored. So why bother? Right? Again, this happens very subconsciously. They keep people at arm's length, not because they don't care, but because they learn early on not to expect much from other people. So in relationships this might show up as emotionally unavailable, right, or they might look emotionally available on the surface, but they're very guarded.

Speaker 1 13:34

This is, I know, somebody who else who is a middle child and he is incredibly social. He's incredibly likable. But when you actually have one-on-one time with him and when you actually start to you know, have a real conversation with him, you see how defended and guarded he actually is, like very close-minded. Really hard for him to connect intimately. He very much avoids close connection, emotional conversations. No, can't do it. Okay, they really struggle with vulnerability or asking for help.

Speaker 1 14:20

The middle children are often the emotional container for others, while they ignore their own needs. So this might be somebody who everyone goes to to kind of vent or talk about their crap and they're like uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. So that's what we mean by the emotional container is they're usually listening to everyone else's stuff and very rarely talking about themselves. So at work they probably get along with everybody. They avoid conflict. They don't rock the boat, even when they're seething inside. They might not pursue any kind of leadership roles or excel because they're not used to being seen or they are very much excelling, but they have a really hard time receiving any kind of validation. It's very uncomfortable for them because they didn't excel. It's not like the eldest child, where they were finding success in order to get praise and validation. No, no, that's not them. They probably excel at something and are good at something, but they don't want to receive that praise and recognition. Okay, with family they're probably still like the peacekeeper at holidays. They're still. People probably say you're so chill, you're so laid back, right. But maybe it's just probably because they learned to suppress. Suppression is like middle child is to suppression, as eldest children are to approval seeking Okay. Eldest children are too approval-seeking, okay.

Speaker 1 16:05

So let's talk about the subtle but important distinction of being a middle child versus being the second child of two. Let's talk about that. So if there are three people in your family or more and you're the middle child, that's very different and similar in some ways as being the second of only two children. So if you're the middle child, so you're in a family of three or more children, you get sandwiched. You're not the oldest, but you're also not the baby. So you're gonna be overlooked a lot more in childhood, right, and you're gonna negotiate a lot more for belonging. You're gonna have to negotiate more for belonging. You might struggle with identity and getting attention and validation.

Speaker 1 17:00

Now, if you're the second of two, you're the youngest sibling in a two-child family you're more likely to be a rebel or compete with the eldest child. You are more. You're going to receive more of that baby kind of role. You also usually receive more indulgence than a middle child, but less pressure than a middle child. So the biggest difference is middles are surrounded, seconds are just following. Middles may disappear emotionally. Seconds may still get to be like the fun one or like the black sheep kind of effect.

Healing the Invisibility Wound

Speaker 1 17:46

So let's talk about signs that you're still playing the middle kid role or you have some healing to do from this and from these kind of defenses. Right, you might say things like I'm easy or I don't care, more than you actually mean it. You default to supporting roles like friendship, work, relationships. You like default to those supporting kind of roles. In your life You're more of a supporting actor instead of a main character. Energy you feel you might feel uncomfortable asking for what you want, or you might not even know what you want. You might have squished that. That's the little Lord Voldemort in you, right, the shriveled little decrepit Lord Voldemort. Oh God, I'm just thinking about the little Lord Voldemort and wanting to wrap him up as like a little baby, All right.

Speaker 1 18:40

Another sign is that you distance yourself emotionally when things get too real. So let's say, your partner is pursuing you or trying to find intimacy, or a family member's going through a health crisis, or somebody dies, or you have children and you're really stressed. These are the situations where you might start to distance yourself more and more and more and more. Now, remember, distancing can look like behavioral, like hey, I'm going to work a lot more. Or distancing might look like, emotionally, I shut down and I binge video games, or I'm always on my phone, or I'm doing more drugs or I'm drinking more. Okay. Now let's talk about healing this invisible wound or this invisibility wound. You know both terms are appropriate. You either have these invisible wounds or you have an invisibility wound, or both Okay.

Speaker 1 19:48

So what I want you to start doing is start noticing. Where do you shrink yourself to keep the peace? Where do you not express your opinion? Now I want you to find a very small way to start practicing expressing your preferences, even if it's in a small way. Maybe you're expressing what you want for dinner. Maybe you're expressing what you want the family to do on the weekend, weekend, allow yourself to need things. Let people show up for you.

Speaker 1 20:30

Again, even if it's a small way, if somebody offers to help, instead of automatically saying no, I want you to lean into saying yes. And I'm sure you don't want to say yes, but again, it's that exposure and practice of sitting in discomfort. Stop being so damn easy to love by disappearing. You are worthy of taking up space, you are worthy of having and expressing your opinions and you're worthy of being a little messy as you figure out how to do those things. So here's your little mantra or affirmation I offer you.

Speaker 1 21:03

Write it on a sticky note, put it somewhere that you see, often I don't have to disappear to be loved. I am going to allow myself to take up some space Now. If you felt stuck between roles, like you're a chameleon who knows how to get, who knows how to be, who everybody else needs, but you don't know how you are or who you are, this is your wake up call, friend. Now, next episode, we're going to bring the chaos and the charm and we're going to talk about that young child energy, how being the baby gives you fun, freedom and maybe a few blind spots as well. I'll catch you on the next one. Thanks so much for being here. Okay, bye, thank you.