#27 The Only Child – Mature, Independent… and Maybe a Little Emotionally Overloaded

Were you the only child who was “so mature for your age”—but never really got to be a kid? In this episode, we dive into what it’s really like growing up without siblings and how that shapes your identity, relationships, and emotional habits as an adult.

Drawing from birth order psychology and Family Systems Theory, we explore how only children miss the sibling subsystem—your first environment for social learning—and what happens when you become the emotional container for your entire family. From hyper-independence to emotional overload, this one’s for every adult who grew up as a one-person support team.

🖤 This podcast is meant to feel like a conversation — not a lecture.

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Transcript

Only Children Are Different

Speaker 1 0:01

only children are weird . They're just weird . I'm sorry , if this is you , it's okay . I'm weird too and I really believe in embracing your weirdness , right , like , don't let anybody dull your sparkle . My friends , I am a weird bird and I like it that way and it's taken me a long time to be okay with that . But I really really do think that middle children are weird and it's because you never got the opportunity to experience the sibling subsystem . We're going to talk about that a little later , about how family systems theory kind of conceptualizes systems and subsystems within a family and what they do for us in terms of figuring out boundaries and figuring out how to navigate social situations . But long story short , I think there are two groups of people I hope I don't get hate mail for this I think there are two groups of people in the world that are just weird Homeschooled children and only children .

Speaker 1 1:15

I'm sorry , I'm a therapist . It's just what I've noticed over a decade of seeing clients and probably over 15 years of studying , and it's just my opinion . You know , it's just my opinion and nowadays we're all way too scared to share opinions because you're going to hurt somebody's feelings and look , you can choose whether or not to take offense and that's a whole other episode , isn't it ? But there's a reason why the saying is don't take offense , because you literally have to take it . And if you take offense , you can go ahead and email me at hello , at KaylaRileycom , and I'll probably be super anxious and feel terrible for these statements that I just said , because I am an eldest child and I tend to be a people pleaser . Okay , so here we go , we are diving into it .

Speaker 1 2:08

This is the last episode in the birth order series . I decided to do this because I just am noticing the different dynamics of my eldest child , miles , and my youngest child , margo . They're three and one , and I've had a lot of fun doing these . I hope that they've built some insight , and not only that , but as I've been writing them and recording them , I've recognized how much of an impact they've had on my life . For example , my dad was the oldest , my mom was the youngest of three , my husband is the youngest of four . You know what I mean . Like , my best friend is an only child , that's right , I said it and she has challenges with social stuff , and we've gotten into a couple arguments and I recognize now , as I look back on it . A lot of this is probably because she didn't have a sibling to tell her that certain things hurt their feelings . Okay , without further ado and me blabbering about what I think is weird , let's jump into it .

Speaker 1 3:21

This is the episode about birth order and how being an only child impacts you . Being an only child is like growing up on stage with no scene partners . There's no sibling rivalry , but there's also no built-in teammate . You've got all the attention , with all the pressure that comes with that . You are , or were , the golden child forever . You're the plus one to adult dinner parties and you are also probably the emotionally support animal for your parents , even if no one called it that . That's what you were . So you weren't just a kid . You were like a small adult with big feelings and no one your size to process them with , and that's not great , because you really weren't a small adult . You were treated that way , but that's not who you were psychologically adult . You were treated that way , but that's not who you

Family Systems Theory Explained

Speaker 1 4:30

were psychologically . So the research says this .

Speaker 1 4:31

First , I want to talk about what is family systems theory . Family systems theory was developed by a psychologist named Mnuchin , and I honestly don't know his first name . I just always called him Mnuchin , anyways . So in family systems theory , families are made . A family is a system , right , it's a unit . And then in the bigger world , right , like , you're in your community , you're in your state , you're in your country , but a family is its own little unit and within a family there are subsystems . So little systems within the family system , yeah , all right . So when I am talking about this , I want you to picture circles , because this is how I describe it when I'm talking to clients or working with clients . So I draw a circle and I say this is your family and I write mom and dad and I circle their names within the big circle . So you got a big circle . And then you got mom and dad in their own little circle within the big circle . You get it All right .

Speaker 1 5:38

So that is the spousal subsystem according to Mnuchin and family systems theory , and the spousal subsystem is its own little unit . It's got its own little desires and quirks and little jokes and mannerisms . And then mom and dad make a baby and the baby is within the big circle , but they're not in the parental subsystem , or they shouldn't be . The parental subsystem should be set apart from the child so that the child can be a child and the parents can be parents connected together . Yeah , so then there are other little subsystems like the parent-child , right . Like , my relationship with Miles is very unique and different from Miles' relationship with his dad , as it should be . And my relationship with Robert as a married couple is very different than the relationship between me and my son . Me and my husband have a different relationship than me and my son Duh . Okay , you get it .

Speaker 1 6:52

So the one , the subsystem I think that doesn't get enough airtime it's not talked about enough is the sibling subsystem , this sibling unit . So let's say ,

The Missing Sibling Subsystem

Speaker 1 7:06

you have a baby , the baby's not in the spousal subsystem , but they're still in the family system . Then you have another baby and then the siblings become their own subsystem , right ? So you got the big circle , and in the big circle , mom and dad in their own circle and then brother , sister , or brother , brother or sister , sister or whatever , in their own circle . Right Now , this sibling unit is a child's first arena for social emotional development . It's where the children learn how to negotiate , how to share space and attention , how to tolerate conflict without being exiled from the kingdom , aka the living room . It's how they learn to co-regulate with someone who's on your developmental level , even if they're a couple years between you . This is why , when you have siblings that are like a decade or 15 years apart , how they just don't have the same kind of sibling dynamics or relationship as children who are five years apart or two years apart or three years apart . I'm hoping this is making sense to you guys . So if you're an only child , you skip the sibling subsystem entirely , and without a sibling subsystem , the only system that you have to model your social skills after and your identity after are adults . So you're thrown into the adult world from day one and that can mean you're verbally advanced , right , you maybe learn to entertain yourself , but you're also missing the reps in basic social development stuff like setting boundaries with peers or managing sibling level chaos .

Speaker 1 9:08

I'll give you an example Miles will straight up push his sister down and grab the toy out of her hand and run into his room and slam the door in her face . Will he do that to me ? I was about to say no , but the honest answer is yes , he would try , but the answer is no because he can't grab something out of my hand . Good luck , I'm bigger than you . He can't push me down , good luck , I'm bigger than you . He can't push me down , good luck , I'm bigger than you . He can certainly try and there's just a different vibe . There's a different energetic vibe and the likelihood of me going and taking his favorite toy from him because I want to play with it is nil . I have no interest in going to grab Chase's car from him . I don't want to play with Rebel and Chase and Marshall and Sky . I don't want to . You can keep your Paw Patrol cars to yourself , but my daughter very much wants to play with that little chase car .

Speaker 1 10:11

Is this making sense to y'all ? How different it is ? Now a lot of people say like oh well , you know , I had my best friend around all the time , or my cousins all the time . Sorry , different , different , different . A sibling is somebody that's with you 24-7 . It doesn't have to mean shared blood , but a sibling is a child that is with you day-to-day , 24-7 . Like I know , I get it . Y'all go to school , y'all go to daycare . You're separate sometimes , but you're living day in and day out with this person . I don't care if you have an only child and your only child hangs out with their best friend two hours every single day of their life outside of school . That's still not the same thing as having a sibling , it's just not .

Speaker 1 11:04

So let's get back to talking about this only child . So you didn't grow up with someone . You grew up watched by someone . Right Like , I'm not being raised with my son , I'm watching him , I'm raising him , I am observing him . I'm not growing up with him . In some ways I am . If you want to talk , you know I digress In emotionally immature families .

Speaker 1 11:40

If you were raised in an immature family emotionally immature , and this could be one of your parents abandoned the other parent . This could be alcoholism , this could be mental health disorders . This could be whatever it might be . If you were raised by an emotionally immature family and you were an only child , the adult attention probably wasn't always nurturing . It might've gotten judgmental , manipulative or enmeshed . And when we say enmeshment as therapists , we mean treating you like an adult . And let me tell

Growing Up Watched, Not With

Speaker 1 12:18

you something only children are much more likely to be enmeshed with a parent or parentified . So AKA bad boundaries , being treated like an adult because you're not an adult , but you're much more likely to be treated like an adult if you're an eldest child or if you're an only child . Okay . So let's talk about the pressure that that brings you , with no one else to share the spotlight or the stress Only .

Speaker 1 12:53

Children often become like the achiever , the family representative , the emotional processor for their parents . You might have been told you were really mature for your age . But maturity without support is parentification dressed in a compliment . People , parentification is being treated like an adult . When you're a child that's what it is . So your little self , your little undeveloped childhood self , just couldn't handle it . It's like putting a puppy . It's like putting a weight vest on a puppy . You're probably going to harm their bone development because they're just not made developed . They're not ready for the amount of weight to carry in that amount of weight all the time . Does that make sense ? That's a weird metaphor , but I kind of dig it .

Speaker 1 13:49

Okay , so you learn very early to suppress your needs , to internalize your parents' moods and to measure your worth in performance . When you're the only child , you become the container for every damn thing . There's no one else to share the weight . So the way this might show up for you in adulthood , this might show up for you in adulthood In relationships . You might crave connection but fear needing

Adult Patterns of Only Children

Speaker 1 14:21

someone . You feel safer doing things alone . But you're also lonely . When you do things alone you might emotionally over-function or attract partners who under-function , who kind of force you subconsciously to be in that emotionally over-functioning role .

Speaker 1 14:38

At work you're often like super independent , you're driven , you're self-sufficient . But delegation feels like set up for disappointment , right Like . You really have a hard time delegating and group projects are probably slightly traumatizing for you . Honestly , having to share and give not just the work but the spotlight and the outcome to put that in someone else's hands just feels like probably to you , because it's uncomfortable . It's not your MO . Now , with family , your family of origin , you're the default good one , right Boundaries probably to you feel like disloyalty towards your parents and you probably carry 100% of the family legacy and the family drama . Like mom's not just calling you know sister , brother and you telling her about , telling them about her divorce . She's only calling you because you don't have sister and brother . So you're having to carry 100% of the weight of the family drama .

Speaker 1 15:57

Now let's talk about signs that you're still carrying this only child script , that you might need some healing from this role . One is you resist asking for help , even when you're drowning . Another one is you struggle to trust others to follow through . You often feel more mature than your peers , so you don't exactly connect with your peers . You feel older , but also you're emotionally exhausted and you equate being needed with being valuable . So you were always told you were like , so independent , but were you ever allowed to be needy ?

Speaker 1 16:43

Now , if you need I say if you need you obviously need , but if you want to soften and learn how to receive , healing means realizing that you don't have to live life solo anymore . Now what I want you to do is I want you to try to notice where do you over-function and ask yourself is this actually mine to carry ? I want you to think about letting people in , even if they don't do things your way in , even if they don't do things your way , and you can obviously start these things very , very small . Let someone bring you coffee , let a coworker cover one of your shifts , let your partner make you dinner without you correcting or criticizing them . Right Like keep your mouth shut . Keep your mouth shut when someone else does something for you . You don't want to punish them for participating and showing up for you .

Speaker 1 17:47

Now remember

Healing from the Only Child Script

Speaker 1 17:48

you are worthy of care , even if you didn't earn it , if you didn't do anything all day and your partner makes you dinner , you're still worthy . It's okay . You don't have to do anything to earn that love . Here's an affirmation or a mantra for you I am not responsible for everything . I am allowed to rest , receive and be supported . Write that somewhere , type it in a notes app and screenshot it and make it the background of your phone . Whatever you need to do , that is your mantra for the week , for the month , for whenever . However long I am not responsible for everything , I'm allowed to rest , receive and be supported .

Speaker 1 18:31

So being an only child shaped your independence , your voice and maybe your vocabulary , but it also left you with some gaps , some really important gaps , and you're allowed to unlearn this hyper-responsibility . You're allowed to ask for help . You don't have to carry all the emotional weight of your entire family anymore . You can choose to have boundaries , and that's okay . Now , that is a big old wrap y'all . That's a wrap on our birth order series .

Speaker 1 19:03

Whether you're the eldest CEO , you're the invisible middle , you're the charming youngest or the solo star , just know that the role that you had in your family of origin shaped you , created some strengths , but also some defenses that may or may not serve you anymore , and that it is possible and okay for you to break out of that role . Start to unwire those defenses and find a different way of being in relationship and being with your family of origin , because your childhood may have shaped you , but you get to decide who you are now . Thank you so much for joining . If you didn't listen to the others , hop on over there and grab those and I will see you next week . Hopefully we'll get a cool topic . If you have a suggestion for a topic or a question , you can always email me at hello at Kayla Riley dot com . All right , I'll see you next Monday , okay , bye .