Perfectionism Is Making You Miserable (And You Call It ‘Standards’)

You don’t think you’re a perfectionist.
 You just “have high standards.”

You care. You’re driven. You like things done right.

So why are you exhausted?

In this episode, we’re unpacking the psychology of perfectionism — what it actually is, why it develops, and how it quietly fuels anxiety, burnout, procrastination, and relationship strain.

Perfectionism isn’t about excellence. It’s about fear.

We’ll explore:

• The difference between healthy ambition and fear-based performance
• How perfectionism is linked to shame and conditional self-worth
• Why high-achieving adults struggle to feel satisfied
• How perfectionism shows up in careers, parenting, and relationships
• Why “doing your best” often feels like never enough

You’ll also learn a therapist-backed approach to loosening perfectionism without lowering your competence — including how to identify the fear underneath the standard and regulate the nervous system instead of overworking.

Because you don’t need to earn your worth every single day.

If you’re navigating adulthood, identity shifts, and relationships without wanting to burn out in the process — this episode is for you.

Send it to the friend who calls their anxiety “high standards.”

This podcast is meant to be a conversation — not a lecture. 🖤

Have thoughts, questions, or a topic you want covered? Or want to share how this episode supported you?

Email me at kayla@evolutionwellnessnc.com
or find me on social at @itskaylareilly. I genuinely love hearing what you’re navigating. ✨

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Let me guess. You don't think you're a perfectionist, right? You just have high standards and you care about excellence and you like to get it done right. So you reread the emails or you tweak projects that were already good, you struggle to delegate because it's just easier if you do it. And yet you're exhausted, you're never satisfied. And weirdly, even when you hit the goal, you don't feel relief for very long. Maybe you feel it for a little while, but it doesn't last. Some of you don't have high standards, you have anxiety in a blazer. So today we're going to talk about perfectionism, what it actually is, why it develops, and most importantly, how to loosen its grip without lowering your competence. My name is Kayla Riley. Welcome to Not Your Therapist Podcast. I'm a therapist, just not your therapist. And I'm here to give a spicy hot take on what we all struggle with and wish we could fight. If you're looking for emotional stability as you navigate relationships in this crazy time of life, you're in the right place, my friend. Let's do this. So perfectionism is not striving for excellence. Excellence says, I want to do this well. And perfectionism says, if I don't do this flawlessly, something bad will happen. That something bad might be like criticism, rejection, disappointment, loss of approval, feeling inadequate. Sound familiar? So perfectionism is a fear-based performance strategy. It's your nervous system trying to prevent shame. And shame psychologically is the fear of being fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Very different than guilt. Guilt is I did something bad. Shame is I am bad, right? So psychologically, shame is the fear of being fundamentally flawed or unworthy. And so when you obsess, you over-edit, you overwork, you overcorrect, what you're really trying to do is avoid that feeling of shame. For many people, worth and performance got linked really early on. So when you were being raised, you were probably praised when you achieved, and you were corrected when you messed up, and maybe you were compared to siblings or peers, you were rewarded for being like the responsible one, the good one, right? And your brain learned that, hey, achievement means safety, mistakes mean threat. So now, as an adult, when you take on a new project or a relationship or a leadership role or a life stage, your nervous system says, don't mess this up. Your value depends on it. Perfectionism isn't about being impressive, it's about being safe. And that is a really important distinction for you to start to recognize and start to build this insight and awareness. Think about this and just think, reflect to yourself when I am trying to perfect something, when I am overperforming, when I'm giving myself away, so to speak, when my clinicians in my practice schedule outside of their schedule boundaries to like serve a client, like, oh, sure, I'll stay for a six o'clock session and then you're not home till 7:30 and whatever. I ask them, like, what's the actual intention? Is the intention to serve, or is the intention to please? That's an important distinction. You have to recognize that for yourself. I think a lot of people pleasing goes undetected. And that's a disservice to yourself when you don't have the insight to recognize where something's coming from. I want to point out the different arenas that this shows up in your life. It shows up in parenting, right? Like I should be more patient. I need to handle this differently. It can show up in relationships, especially partnerships. Like I shouldn't have reacted like that. It can show up in your body image, particularly as you age and sick. I used to be able to eat half a pizza and lose a pound. And now I look at a pizza and I gain a pound. Just saying. Filters make me feel pretty. Okay. So it also can show up in your career decisions and even the way you rest or how much you allow yourself to rest. So here's the twist: like, perfectionism often leads to procrastination. Because, like, if you can't do it perfectly, you're going to delay starting altogether. So if you burn out trying to do everything flawlessly, then you're also kind of flopping, right? So it's an interesting dynamic that perfectionism actually leads to failure for a lot of people. And you call it drive, like, oh, I'm driven, I've got so much drive. But actually, you're driving yourself into the frickin' ground. Sustainability is more important than perfectionism. Perfectionism? Being perfect. Good luck with that. So, how to actually address this is where we move from insight to intervention. We identify the fear under the standard. So the next time you have the urge to overpolish something or overcommit or whatever, ask yourself, what am I afraid will happen if this isn't perfect? This shows up a lot when people won't delegate. It's like, oh, but if I do that, it's like, yeah, finish that sentence. If you delegate that task, what is gonna happen? What could what could be the worst case scenario? Don't answer this intellectually. Answer it emotionally. Like let yourself do this exercise. What am I afraid will happen if this isn't how I want it? If it isn't perfect? Maybe like someone will think you're incompetent or you just disappoint someone or you'll look stupid or you'll lose respect. Name the fear. When you name the fear, then I want you to locate it in the body. So where do you feel the fear? Do you feel it in your chest? Is it a tightness? Is it hot? Is it cold? Is it in your stomach? Does it make you feel like your stomach's dropped? Is your jaw clenching, or maybe your shoulders are really tight? Is there heat in your face? Maybe perfectionism isn't just cognitive, it's physiological. It shows up in the body, right? So as therapists, we often say, where do you feel that in your body? Not to be annoying, because most of my clients are like, oh good. What do you fine? But really, truly, to connect the mind and the body and the emotions and the spirit is really important to know how these things are all connected. That's how we face it, trace it, erase it. Yeah. That's how we solve problems. We face it, we trace it, and erase it. So identify the fear, locate it in the body, try to describe it a little bit to yourself. I can't hear you. Then pause and sit with it instead of fixing it. This is the really uncomfortable part that a lot of my clients resist, resist, resist. Instead of immediately improving the email, instead of rewriting the presentation, instead of apologizing for something that was already fine, just pause. Take 60 seconds, let your body feel the discomfort without solving it. You're actually teaching your nervous system I can survive imperfection. And that, my friends, is regulation. Step four, I want you to choose excellent enough, not sloppy, not careless. That's not the whole purpose of this podcast. We are not leaning into the sloppy carelessness opposite. We're finding a middle ground, competence, being okay, being accepting of who you are and what you accomplish. You don't need to earn your worth every single day. And for a lot of us, that's a humongous change in the way we think and the way that we act and the way we engage with the world. You don't need to earn your worth every single day. Perfectionism promises control, but it delivers anxiety, my friends. You can be capable without being flawless. You can care deeply without micromanaging every single freaking thing. You can lead, you can parent, you can love, you can create without constantly proving yourself. Imagine what your life would look like if you could engage with others, engage with the world, create, do without feeling this pressure to do super well and get this external validation. To do knowing I am enough. And if you are navigating adulthood, relationships, identity without wanting to burn out in the process, hit the subscribe button. Join me. You're definitely where you need to be. And I'm looking forward to hearing and seeing you. I can't see you, and I can't hear you, so I don't know why the hell I said that. But I'm looking forward to you hearing me in our episode next week. Be well. Catch you on the next one. Okay, bye.