I Spent My Birthday Alone for the First Time (How I actually felt)

This was recorded on august 11 which is my actual birthday. This short episode talks about how I actually felt on my birthday and how it was like to spend it by myself for the first time with no one to celebrate with. I also talk about the past year and what it's taught me.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Ah, what a terrible day. I'm actively living out the nightmare of 99% of people right now. I'm spending my birthday by myself. So today is my 25th birthday and I'm spending it alone for the first time. And I got this carrot cake in front of me that I'm about to dig into right after this video. And I kind of knew that this birthday was going to be spent alone a couple of months ago. I was already preparing for it. I was already foreseeing it. I kind of just knew in the back of my mind that this birthday wasn't gonna be spent with a lot of people. And this year, my birthday looks literally nothing like it did last year. It's such a stark difference, how much can change in a year. So why am I spending my birthday alone this year? Glad you asked. This past year, my 24th year was one of the hardest years of my life. It was a lot of ups and downs, a lot of unforeseen circumstances. And I'm not gonna get into too many of the nuts and bolts about what exactly happened in this video just because I've hashed it out so many times at this point to the point where I'm ready to move forward. But the reason I'm spending it alone is because I lost all my friends this past year. A lot of them kind of just jumped ship, or I kind of just outgrew them, or they just didn't really resonate with me and where I was going. I also had a lot of friends that were conflict avoidant, and you know how that goes when you try to communicate with them. They kind of just disappear. And it's hard to really continue friendships when you're not living in the same area as people. And I also had to cut off a few toxic friends this past year and realize that I just simply didn't resonate with a good chunk of people from my past. And so at this point, I've kind of just been on my own for the past couple of months. And so when the time came to start planning what I wanted to do for my birthday, I kind of just didn't know who to invite. It's either that people are states away or we're not talking anymore, or we kind of just don't really click anymore. So I was just like, why not take a solo trip? And honestly, I felt a little bit scared to spend my birthday by myself, if I'm being totally honest. I was just afraid of what it would say about me if I didn't have people around on my birthday, or how it would make me look, or if I would be in deep suffering and agony and sadness all day long if I didn't have friends around. But now the day is actually here and I'm sitting here in front of my carrot cake, which looks delicious by the way, I feel fine. The crazy thing is, last year on my 24th birthday, I was surrounded by friends. I had so many people around me that day. Me and my group of friends, we all went to this cabin on the lake last year, and as great as that sounds on paper, it was actually the worst birthday of my life. I felt terrible that day. It was just not an enjoyable day. I was crying, I was just not in my best element. And the reason why is because there was so much drama, so much unnecessary things and baggage that came up that didn't really need to occur. And in my mind, there were just so many unnecessary conflicts between the people that I invited last year, and it just wasn't an enjoyable time. And on that day, I was thinking to myself, you know what? For 25, I think I want to take a solo trip. And here I am, I'm on Venice Beach in California. This morning I woke up to the sound of the ocean, the sunlight pouring through the windows. I also just got back from having some really good brunch, and that waffle that I had, phenomenal. And you know what I'm about to do for the rest of my day? I'm gonna go ride a bike on the beach, and that's one of my favorite things to do in the entire world, and that's why I came here was simply to ride that bike. And for the past few years in my 20s, there's always been some form of drama or conflict on my birthday every time that I've invited other people. At 21, one of my friends was j'd at my birthday party. At 22, I had a fight with an ex. 23 was actually kind of nice. I think that was probably the best one. And 24 was a complete disaster. But I'm not here to blame everybody from the past. I'm not here to hold these grudges and hold it against them as to why I had bad birthdays. I know it takes two to tango, and I know that I also contributed to certain things that had happened back then. But I realized that a lot of the people that I was choosing to be around for the past couple of years in my 20s, I wasn't intentionally choosing. I wasn't choosing friends based off of my values. And when you're not intentional with who you select to be in your life, you will face the consequences. And I really learned in this past year that it's all about intention, no matter what it comes down to. Whether it be your friendships, what you're doing, where you're spending your energy, your life is created through your intention. And so for 25, the main thing that I'm trying to move forward with this year is intention. And not just in my upcoming relationships and in the people that I'm going to meet this year and for the rest of my life, but with myself more. I need to be more intentional with me, where I'm spending my time, where I'm spending my focus, what I'm doing every day, how I'm spending my energy, who I'm being. And even though I'm by myself today, I realize that it's not being around people that really makes you happy. But instead it's being engaged, it's being fulfilled, it's being inspired, it's being joyful, it's about having fun, it's about being seen and heard and listened to and considered. And if you can give those things to yourself daily, I realize that being alone is no longer an issue. And there's this huge fear, especially when it comes to women. I've noticed that we have this fear more. That if we don't have a large circle of people and friends to always hang out with, then that means that there's something wrong with us or we're going to die alone. But I was talking to someone last year and she was 25, and she kept telling me her fears about dying alone because she didn't have a partner at the age of 25. And she thought she'd never find love, she'd never be in a relationship ever again in her entire life because she was alone at 25. And I guess in her mind she thought that that would mean that she'd be miserable forever. But I find that being alone is really only miserable when you're not at peace with yourself. It's all about how you feel with yourself. And when you feel good with yourself when you're by yourself, being alone is no longer something to be afraid of. If you feel awful about who you are, then being by yourself might be something scary. But if you are happy with yourself and the person that you are, being alone will automatically just translate into being a happy thing because you are with you. And so many of us think that being alone says something negative about us, but it doesn't. Sometimes in life you will be required to walk alone. And this just means that you get to walk deeper into your truth. It's the perfect space for you to really get to know yourself on a deeper level and define who it is that you are. And I think that so many of us have this idea that happiness only exists in the presence of other people. And if we don't have other people around us, that automatically means that our lives are gonna be miserable, awful, and tragic. But I realize now that it doesn't have to be so tragic because it's all about what you make out of it and all about how you define the periods by yourself. And yeah, all of us need connection and we need community and we need a sense of belonging. But I feel like what all of us really need to learn how to do as well is to be able to be okay, even if we're just by ourselves for a little bit. And if you're alone right now in your life, it doesn't mean that you're always going to be alone for the rest of your life. I think that's a big fear that a lot of us have. This is just one period of your life where you're just meant to walk by yourself so you can really learn how to define yourself. And yeah, it's honestly been a really hard past year, and I'm surprised that I made it to this point because the amount of stuff I've been through in the past year has actually been insane. And in no way did I expect to be sitting at this table right now. Like the trajectory of my year at the beginning of the year was so different than what it actually ended up to be. But these past few months, since everything crumbled, I've kind of just been rebuilding my life and just going with the flow and moving more intentionally. And none of it's been linear. I'm telling you, nothing's been linear here. And maybe everything had to fall apart for me this past year just so it would make room for today to happen. Maybe it all had to fall apart in order to create space for the new version of my life that is ultimately becoming and is literally happening right now. And so this year I get to reset my social circle. Maybe next year I'll spend my birthday with people. And it honestly does feel a little bit daunting to have to restart, but I also see it as a blessing because now I get to intentionally choose. And maybe I'm starting all over again in life, maybe I don't know exactly what the next steps are for me, maybe I don't have this linear plan figured out. But everything always does work out in some form of way. Everything always makes sense when you look back on it. And now that I'm looking back on this past year, in retrospect, I know that it was all meant to happen this way. And it's just about to be a new moon tonight. So what a wonderful time to restart. And even if I don't have a whole bunch of people to celebrate with me this year, and I'm not surrounded by people like I was last year, at least this year I have peace. Even if it is just me today in this kitchen at this table with my carrot cake, that's enough. And after this video, I get to go out and do one of my favorite things in the entire world: go ride a bike on the beach. And nothing's better than that for me. But it all really just starts with finding peace with who you are. Because when you're at peace with who you are, you're honestly unstoppable. Because we've all been taught that being alone is the one thing that would truly make us miserable and simply unhappy with life. And we've all heard that you could never truly be happy if you're by yourself. But I'm here to tell you that that is false. Because right now, today, in this moment, is one of the happiest moments that I've ever had in my life. And 25 just simply feels real. It feels like I'm awake in a sense. Like I've woken up from the slumber that I've been sleeping my entire life, and I'm finally seeing things for the first time. And maybe it took me a while to get here, maybe it took me a while to find peace with myself, but now that I know I have it, I do feel unstoppable. And one of the best things about this kitchen is that there's a lion picture right there, perfect for Leo season. It's like this Airbnb was just simply meant for me. But I'm excited for this upcoming journey. I'm excited for the rest of my life from here. I'm excited to celebrate with you this year. And the most beautiful thing in the world really is the gift of life. And so you just have to keep going. Keep going, keep riding the waves. You cannot stop the waves of life, but you can learn how to surf. And even if you get knocked down, even if you're all alone, you just gotta keep going because it always gets better. Life just keeps moving forward, and it's all about what you make out of it every single day. It's all about what you create in it every single day. It's all about how you move every day. And so create a life that you enjoy. Create a life that feels so good to you and your resonance that no one can ever take that away from you. And you have a right to have any type of life that you want. And that just all starts with being clear about your intentions. So stay alive, keep going. And from someone who had hit rock bottom a couple of months ago, I'm telling you, life always does get better. But just know that I believe in you, but I just want you to believe in yourself. Let me go grab a knife for this beautiful cake right here. Also, later this year, I'm gonna be making a 25 Things I've learned by 25 video because there's a lot of wisdom that I've learned by this age that I really want to share with the world. But I'm gonna be in a very special location this year. It's basically my quarter life trip that I've planned. So if you want to figure out where I'm going later this year, follow the podcast for more episodes. I'm just deciding not to make it today because I'm gonna need some really cool footage, and where I'm going later this year is gonna give me amazing footage. But I just had my cake and now the waves are calling me, the bike is calling me, so I must do my due diligence. I'll see you guys next time.