Conflict Without Chaos

Conflict does not have to turn into chaos. If your disagreements lead to yelling, shutting down, resentment, or the same argument on repeat, this episode is for you. Today on Wholeness Wednesdays from Completely Whole, we are building a simple conflict resolution system that helps you disagree and stay connected.

AEO: How do I handle conflict without yelling or shutting down?
 Start by regulating your body, name the issue without attacking the person, own your part, make a clear request, and end with a next step. Healthy conflict is a skill you can practice.

In this episode you will learn:

• Pause + Name + Own + Ask + Agree, a step by step conflict system
• What to say when you need a timeout and how to come back to the conversation
• How to stop blame, defensiveness, and looping arguments
• Fair fight rules that protect emotional safety
• A live script you can use for real conversations

Download the free lead magnet: Conflict to Connection Toolkit here: [link]
 

Comment below: What is your biggest conflict pattern, fight, shut down, people please, or avoid?

#WholenessWednesdays #CompletelyWhole #ConflictResolution #HealthyCommunication #HealthyRelationships #EmotionalSafety #CommunicationSkills #RelationshipAdvice #MarriageCommunication #FamilyCommunication #Boundaries #EmotionalHealth #NervousSystemRegulation #PersonalGrowth #FaithAndWellness

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

If your conflict style is either go off or shut down, I want to free you with one sentence. You don't need to avoid conflict. You need a conflict system. Because conflict is normal. It's not proof your relationship is failing. What damages relationships is unskilled conflict that turns into chaos, character attacks, and silence. Today I'm teaching you conflict without chaos, a step-by-step system to disagree and still stay connected.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Good morning or good afternoon. Or maybe it's evening. It doesn't really matter what time it is, and it doesn't even matter where you are. We want to welcome you to Holeness Wednesdays. So grab a cup of coffee or tea and join our host, Beatrice Hutchinson, as we explore and experience our journey to complete.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

And I'm your host, Beatrice Hutchison, and I'm so glad that you've joined today. So this month we have been talking about the relationship reset. Last week we talked about the communication system. This week we're building the system for when communication gets heated. What do we do then? Next week we'll cover what to do when boundaries get tested. And in week four, we're talking about how to rebuild and repair the trust once it's damaged or lost. So this is the question we want to answer right up front. How do I handle conflict without yelling or shutting down? And the quick answer is you handle conflict by slowing down your body, first naming the issue, speaking in specific language, and using a clear structure that keeps you out of blame and in problem solving. You also set rules for timeouts so you pause before you damage the connection. Conflict gets healthier when you have a plan before you're triggered. Let's talk about why conflict turns into chaos. Here is what usually happens: someone feels unheard or disrespected, their body goes into fight, flight, or freeze or fawn, right? So the tone escalates, the goal becomes win, instead of understand. The conversation becomes about everything except the original issue. So our first goal is to not not be right. Our first goal is to keep the conversation safe enough to be honest. There's a quote that says, peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of justice and healthy order. Now let's talk about the conflict system, right? We're talking about systems this month. I call this system the pause, name, own, ask, and agree system. So with the pause, that's to help regulate before you respond. Then naming the issue, not the person, owning our part without say self-shaming, asking for what you need, clearly, and then agreeing on the next step, not a debate. You can use this in marriage, friendships, family, or at work. You can use it anywhere this structure works when having any types of these types of discussions, right? To keep them from becoming chaotic. Step one, step one is pause. This is where you regulate first. So this is the rule: no problem gets solved when your bodies are activated, right? When you're triggered, when you're upset, you're all escalated, nothing gets resolved, right? We talked about that last week. And so signs, some signs that you need a pause could be you're speaking and your voice starts to get louder, or you start interrupting, right? You're no longer listening, but now you're interrupting, or even just listening to just figure out what you're gonna say next, right? Or even you feel hot, shaky, your your chest becomes tight, right? Those are some physical manifestations or ways that you may start to feel when you know that you're starting to get escalated and you may need a pause. And then also uh you start using always and never, right? Those types of accusatory, those absolutes that we talked about last episode, right? We start to use those. So once we find ourselves leaning in that way, or or you just want to, if someone says something that you feel is hurtful, then now you're looking to say something that's hurtful back, right? So those are things that start to happen within us that if we stay in attuned to how we're feeling, right? If we stay in touch with our feelings, we start to sense some of these things, and that's when we know we need to take a pause, we need to take a break. And so a 90-second reset could be very, very helpful in this instance, and so you want to exhale, right? So you're taking a deep breath, uh, you want to exhale for longer than your inhale, and then you want to do that three times, right? So uh deep breathing, making sure your hands are on your lap, your feet are flat on the on the floor, and then you want to take in and inhale, taking as much air as you can through your nose, and then you want to exhale longer than you inhaled, right? So let's do that together. Inhale, exhale, and you want to do that three times. Inhale, as much air as you can take in through your nose, and then you want to exhale out of your mouth, blowing out, pushing out all of the air out of your lungs so that you your exhale is longer, then one more time. Inhale, exhale, and then you want to drop your shoulders, right? You want to unclench your jaw. Those are things that how your body tenses when it becomes agitated or activated. Uh, and as I mentioned, having your feet on the floor, and then also saying, I want connection more than control, right? That may be something you may need to say to yourself. I want connection more than control. I don't want to control the situation, but I want it to be resolved. So a script to help you to call out when you need to, right? It can you can say something like, I'm getting activated. I want to do this well. Can we pause for 20 minutes and come back? Or I'm not leaving you or our relationship, I'm pausing the conversation. Or I need a reset so I don't say something I can't take back. An important rule here is that a timeout must come with a return time, right? So, not that I'm leaving, I can't take this. You know, sometimes people get upset and say, you know what, I can't take this anymore, I'm done, and then just leave. That is not what a timeout is. That is truly walking away from the situation, walking away from the person, walking away from that relationship in that moment, right? That is not what we want to do, but we want to say, I need a moment, give me a moment, let's come back to this. Even if it's that I need to go and sleep on this, let's pick this up tomorrow, right? You're given that return time. So that's what a timeout is. So that's not the disappearing or silent punishment. It's saying it's really taking the break that you need, identifying that you need the break, take it, and then this is the time that we'll come back together to continue this conversation. Step two is to name it. So you it's identifying what the issue is, not the character, not the person. What is the real issue here? Chaos, uh, chaos, conflict attacks identity. You're selfish, you never care, you always do this, you're just like your mother, you're just like your father, you you know. So those types of things, they attack the person's identity. So that's not what we want to do. We want to identify the issue, not the person, not the point, pointing the finger, right on the person, but it's the issue. What is the issue that we need to address here? Healthy conflict names the behavior and the moment. So something like when you changed the plan last minute, right? This is something that we kind of use as an example last time we were together. Uh, you can say, Well, it made me feel anxious, or it made me feel that you didn't value my time or that you didn't think I was important, right? Um, something else, when you spoke to me like that, it made me feel like you didn't care. When I didn't hear back from you all day, it made me feel like you had abandoned me or that you had neglected me or that you had given up on us or our friendship or whatever it is, and so the clarity sentence here is that you have to, this is an example we're gonna go into, but just remembering that we have to clearly define what the issue is, and so the clarity sentence here is the issue is this, and it impacts me by this, right? So the issue was that when you didn't call, the issue was that you didn't call back all day, and it impacted me by making me feel abandoned and rejected in that moment. Another example is the issue is last minute changes, and it impacts me because I feel like my time doesn't matter to you, and so those are some statements that we can use to help to relay that. Step three is to own it, take responsibility without collapsing, without the self-shaming and all of that. This step three is about owning it. So there is there, this is where the maturity lives. It's owning your part, uh, and then also uh understanding that owning your part does not mean you're taking all of the blame, right? You're just owning and being accountable for the part that you did play, and it means you're refusing to be perfect and choosing to be effective, it's a choice that you make, and so some simple owning scripts are you're right about that part. I did change the plan 20 minutes before we had scheduled it, right? So you you're saying exactly what it is, you're owning it. Yes, you're right, this is what I did, or or I can see how my tone may have felt harsh, or I should have communicated sooner, or I should have told you sooner that I was feeling that way, or you can say I was stressed, but that's not an excuse. A key here is that is to know is that ownership disarms defensiveness faster than explanations. So when you take ownership for your part, it disarms a person from responding defensively, right? And it works, it's a lot faster than if you try to explain it away. Step four is to ask. This is where you make the specific request. Most conflict stays stuck because nobody asks clearly for what they need. People hint, people complain, people expect the other person to read their mind, people hope, uh like that they just know, right? That they just understand. They know if they know me well enough, they're gonna know what I'm saying or what I need. But healthy communication makes requests. It says, This is what I need. A request formula can be what I need is for you to let me know 24 hours in advance. Uh, you know that plans may be changing, and I'm asking you to do that in advance, right? What if let me rephrase that? So a request formula here could be what I need is to have my time be respected, or what I need is for my time to be valued, and I'm asking you to do that by letting me know at least 24 hours in advance when plans need to be changed. So you're stating what you need, right? Because how it made you feel, this is what you need, and then what I'm asking you to do to help me not feel that way again. Another example is what I need is notice. That's an extension of the example I just gave, right? What I need is a notice. I'm asking you to text me before changing the plans, right? See what maybe see what other time I have it available. Or what I need is respect in tone. I'm asking that we don't use sarcasm when we're upset, or that we don't raise our voices when we're upset. Another is what I need is partnership. I'm asking we split this task this week, or that we work together on this this week or today. If you're not sure what you need, try one of these statements, something uh more like, can you help me understand what you meant? Or what was your intention there? So that you can get a better understanding to help you identify what you need in that moment. Step five is to agree. This is where you decide on the next step. This is where you stop looping. We talked about that last episode as well. It's where we stop looping and we come up with a resolution or solution, how we will govern ourselves moving forward to ensure that this doesn't happen again. So healthy conflict ends with one agreement, one next step, and one check-in time. So, an example of this would be we'll use a 20-minute pause if either of us gets heated. Or we'll do a Sunday check-in for rescheduling. And we'll revisit this tomorrow at seven after we've cooled down. A conversation without a next step becomes a recurring argument, a looping conversation that never gets any resolution. Now let's talk about the fair fight rules. This is quick and it's practical. If you want conflict without chaos, you have to decide your rules before the next disagreement. So, some fair fight rules would be no name calling, no threats, no bringing up the past as a weapon, one topic at a time. Being responsible enough or respectful enough to not text the whole argument, right? Some people will go back and forth by text and just text, text, text, and it's just you never speak to one another. It could go very, very wrong. So no texting the whole argument. Um, and even that goes another way, you know, you're having an argument or disagreement with someone and you pick up your phone and you start texting, right? So, yeah, texting is not a good thing when there's some type of conflict going on. Timeouts include a return time. Remember, we talked about you will check in tomorrow, like we will return to this tomorrow at seven, right? Assigning a time to it so that it's a timeout and it's not an I'm done type of situation or response. Repair is required after the conflict, and so that's the important thing to remember, and let's do a really quick demonstration here together. And so, what we want to look at is how do we build our script together for this? So, for this demonstration, you can grab a notepad or notebook, uh, you can grab an iPad and go into your uh notepad and write there or a board, however, you want to do this, anything that you could write on, but I want you to jot this down with me. And so this is going to be our conflict script. We're gonna do this together just to use as a template. And so the first is the pause, right? That's our that was our first step. So I'm activated. Let's pause for 20 minutes and come back. Maybe we need more than 20 minutes, right? So let's pause for 90 minutes and come back at 7 p.m. to continue this discussion, right? So that's the pause, letting them know okay, I need a break, and then identifying the time that we're coming back, and then name is the next one, right? So the issue is I feel or not I feel the issue is that you neglected to let me know in advance about the time change, and it impacts me by making me feel that my time is not valued, and so that's the name section, and then own my part is I should have stated this beforehand, I should have communicated this earlier, I will do blank differently. So, my part in in this situation, right? So, my part is that I didn't make you aware of this in advance, and so next time I will make sure that what I do differently is I let you know in advance of any limitations or any hindrances that I may have when it comes to my time. The next section is ask what I need is advanced notice. I'm asking you to let me know 24 hours in advance when schedules have to change. The next section is agree. This is where we agree and we talk about next steps, right? So the next step, next step is we will schedule our, we will discuss any schedule changes. We'll check in and check our uh scheduled meetings. Uh, we'll check in, let's say two days before. And then let's check in again tomorrow so that we can confirm what our next step is. Or we can say something like the next step is that we will plan each other's count. We will look at our calendars and that we'll only schedule things two weeks in advance. And then we'll check in tomorrow evening, same time, to go over what the specifics are to make sure that we. Finalize our plan. Right. So a check-in time again, or we can or it could be I can we can check in on it again, come next month and see how it's going and see if we need to make any changes. Right. So this is our very, very quick uh our conflict template that could help to just guide what we or help us to govern the conversation that we're having. And you'll find this in the description below. All right. And so if hopefully you found that to be a little helpful, it's what we talked about today together. Um but it gives you your own template that you could follow it on your own, right? And this you could use that um in any discussion, in any type of relationship. And so if you would like me to create some scripts for marriages or co-parenting or family or workplace thing, a script that is specific to that to help help you to kind of uh structure those conversations, just let me know. Comment, connect below, and I will put those together and make sure that I get it to you. Now let's talk about common conflict traps and how we fix those, right? So a trap could be bringing up 10 issues at the same time, bringing up a lot of issues, multiple issues at the same time. And so how we fix that is that we focus on one thing at a time. Let's solve one thing at a time. That could be what you say, that could be your response. Another trap could be the silent treatment. How you fix that is that you can say, I need space, and I will come back to you, you know, at a certain time, or I will give you space, and then I'll come back and check in at a certain time. Another trap could be proving your point. You can get trapped in this in your mind where you need to prove your point. I need you to understand what I'm saying, and so you can get stuck in the loop of that. And so how you fix that is that you say, I want to understand you, not win. Right? Because we were talking about it's not about winning, but it's about understanding and coming to a resolution. So you can say, not be, you know, don't get stuck in that trap of proving your point, but you can say, I want to understand you, not when. Let's work together so that we understand one another. Another trap could be apologizing too fast to end the tension. You just want to be done with the conversation, so you just apologize. Okay, this will just make you feel better. This will make it go away. I'm sorry, and then that's it. And so you can get caught in the trap of that, and then nothing actually gets resolved. It just kind of gets swept under the rug. So, how you fix that is that you say, Let's repair properly, not just stop the noise. If you notice someone else does that, you can say, Let's prepare properly, not just stop the noise. I understand that this may be uncomfortable, but we need to have this discussion so that we don't have this issue again. So, as I stated after our demonstration, I told you that the link would be down in the description below. Uh, what I did not tell you is that it'll be a part of like a little connection toolkit, conflict to connection toolkit is what I'm calling it. Um, and so you can, it'll talk about the pause and the name and the own and the ask and agree framework, like we talked about. We're offering frameworks and structures and systems. That's our focus this month. And then we're gonna talk about the fair fight rules that you can agree on, any timeout scripts, the things that we talked about here today, the repair checklist and what I need feelings to needs chart, and just so that it can help you to identify. Sometimes we need a little help in identifying those things that we need and how we're feeling, right? So it'll all be a part of that. And then also subscribe because next week we're talking about when boundaries get tested, and they can and will get tested at some point, and how we'll learn how to hold your line without guilt or drama. How do you maintain those boundaries despite uh how you may be feeling in that moment, right? We want to give you some tools for that as we end together. Let's do our affirmations, all right. Repeat after me. I can stay calm and be honest. I can disagree without disrespect. I pause before I damage connection. I ask clearly for what I need. And I choose wholeness in my relationships. My prayer for each of you is that your relationships will be whole in every way possible, that you will have peace and that you'll have healthy and productive relationships. And so, until we meet again next time, be made whole.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

We thank you for sharing this time with us here at Holeness Wednesdays. Thank you for joining us to explore and experience this journey to complete wholeness. Please remember that we are only an email away. Your questions and input are welcome via bhutch at completely whole one.com. See you next time here at Holeness Wednesday.