Say It Without Starting a Fight: The Communication System for Calm, Clear Conversations

If you keep saying, “That is not what I meant,” or you feel like conversations turn into tension quickly, this episode is for you. Today on Wholeness Wednesdays from Completely Whole, we are building The Communication System, a simple framework to help you communicate better in relationships, create emotional safety, and speak clearly without starting a fight.

Question: How do I communicate better in relationships?

You communicate better by slowing down, being specific, using I language, making clear requests, and staying regulated so your tone matches your intention. Communication is a learnable skill that improves with practice.

In this episode you will learn:

• Pause, Clarify, Connect, Commit, a simple communication framework
• What to say when you need a pause and how to buy time
• How to stop arguing about the wrong topic
• Sentence starters that reduce defensiveness and increase clarity
• How to end conversations with a clear next step

Download the free lead magnet: Communication System Cheat Sheet here: [link]
 Comment below: What is your biggest communication struggle right now, tone, timing, defensiveness, or clarity?

#WholenessWednesdays #CompletelyWhole #CommunicationSkills #HealthyCommunication #Relationships #ConflictResolution #EmotionalSafety #MarriageCommunication #FamilyCommunication #BoundarySkills #PersonalGrowth #FaithAndWellness #ChristianWellness #EmotionalHealth #RelationshipAdvice

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

If you keep saying, that's not what I meant, or you're not hearing me, I want to offer you a perspective shift. Most communication problems aren't heart problems, they're method problems. You can have pure intentions and still have a confusing delivery. You can love someone deeply and still talk in a way that triggers defense. Today I'm giving you a simple framework I call the communication system so you can say what you need to say without starting a fight or without losing yourself.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Good morning or good afternoon, or maybe it's evening. It doesn't really matter what time it is, and it doesn't even matter where you are. We want to welcome you to Holeness Wednesdays. So grab a cup of coffee or tea and join our host, Beatrice Hutchison, as we explore and experience our journey to complete.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

So in February, we worked on boundaries and overwhelm. In March, we built systems for wholeness. And now in April, and welcome to April, we are we're doing the relationship reset because wholeness is not just personal, it's also relational. So in week one, we're talking about, or our focus is communication. And week two, we'll cover conflict without chaos. And week three, we'll talk about our boundaries getting tested. And then in week four, we'll talk about repair and rebuilding trust. And so that's our schedule and our layout for the month of April. And super excited. So let's dive in. Let's answer this. How do I communicate better in relationships? And so the quick answer is that you communicate better by slowing down, being specific, using eye language, making clear requests, and staying regulated so your tone matches the intention. Good communication is a skill, it's something you have to practice. It's not a personality trait. You can learn it, practice it, and get consistent results, but you have to understand that it is something you have to work at. Research on communication and relationships consistently shows that the way couples handle conflict and communicate is tied to relationship outcomes and satisfaction. So what it boils down to is it always goes back to communication. So whether you're in a marriage or a relationship with a mate, with your mate or partner, uh if you're in a family relationship, if you're in a work relationship, no matter what the relationship, it always goes back to communication. So let's start off by talking about why calm communication matters. When conversations feel unsafe, people do one of three things. They attack, they defend, or they disconnect, right? Completely shut down. And often the fight is not about the issue, it's about the feeling of not being heard or not being respected or not being safe or not feeling safe. So our goal today is to create emotional safety through structure by putting some structure to communication. And so here's a quote: seek first to understand, then to be understood. And that's Stefan Colby. Uh, but this is something that we need to consider. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Now let's talk about the communication system. I call this system the pause, clarify, connect, and commit system. So you first you pause so you don't speak from stress, right? You pause, collect yourself, think about what you want to say before you say it. Then you want to clarify. Clarify what you actually mean. Next, you want to connect with empathy and specificity. Next, you want to commit to a clear next step. So you can use this, uh, as I stated, you can use it with your spouse, with your kids, your friends, your family, your co-workers, with anyone. This system works. So, step one, when we say pause, that means that we regulate before we talk, right? Stop, think about what it is that we really want to say, that we really want to communicate. So, this is where most people uh error, fall into error because they skip this step. And then they wonder why it blows up. Before a hard conversation, you want to do a 20-second pause. So relax, relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw, practice some slow breathing, and then ask yourself, what am I really feeling right now? And so if you stop for a moment to just kind of check in with yourself, you'll notice that if you're escalated in that moment, your words may not come out right. So your words won't land appropriately if you're escalated in that moment. So you need to stop, recollect yourself, uh, just kind of make sure that you are in a good space before you even initiate the conversation. Because what will happen is that you're all you may say something and feel like, oh, I'm saying it so nicely, right? But then you have that body language and you may have tone, right? All of that comes out because you're already escalated. So you stop and you think before you speak. And so you this can be a script that could help you to buy time. I want to respond well, let me take a minute. And that's if someone approaches you, right? You okay, I want to respond well, just let me take a minute. Or I'm feeling activated. Can we pause and come back to this in 20 minutes? Or I care about this conversation. I need a moment to collect my thoughts. That pause, that pause itself is not avoidance, but it is its leadership, right? And it and it shows care and responsibility and accountability. Step two, clarify. This is where you say the real thing, not the reactive thing, but the real thing that you are looking to communicate. This is where you stop arguing about the wrong topic. You want to ask yourself, what is the issue? What is the deeper need? And what is my request? What is what is the outcome that I am looking to get from this? So, an example of this, uh, if it's a reactive statement, it will be, you never help me, right? Someone is in their reactive mode and they're saying, You never help me. The clarified, the clarified truth here is I feel overwhelmed and I need partnership, right? So that if that someone says that to you, um, that could be a response, but more so if this is how you feel, right? Because that's your feeling speaking in the moment. You never help me. When you go to someone for help and they respond in a way that is not favorable to what you're asking, you can really feel that, right? And so, but if you open your mouth to say, you never helped me, then that's going to escalate it, right? Because why? Now the person feels that they feel attacked, so then their response is going to be something defensive, but you won't get the outcome that you're really looking for. So instead of saying you never helped me, you can say, I feel overwhelmed right now, and I need your partnership. Another statement could be instead of you may be feeling 100%, you don't care. You don't care about what I'm saying, you don't care about what I need, right? But again, that approach is always going to give us a negative response. So instead of saying that, we want to use a clarified truth here. We want to say, I need reassurance and consistency. Not you don't care. I need reassurance and consistency. So you're stating, this is what I need. So a phrase here to use would be, I want to be clear about what I mean, and then state what you mean. This is what I need. Step number three is to connect. This is with empathy and specificity, as we talked about, right? That that specific language. So connection doesn't mean you agree, it means that you acknowledge. So use this two part, this two-part structure. You name the impact. When this happens, I feel, and then number two, you name the meaning, and it makes me think, right? So when this happens, I feel, and it makes me think, then add a request to that. You want to name the request or the need that you have. What I need is and state what it is that you need. An example of this put all together would be when plans change last minute, I feel stressed, and it makes me think I'm carrying it alone. What I need is 24 hours notice or a quick check-in before changing plans. So you see how that's different. It states all of the pieces there, and so another power phrase that you could use is help me understand what you mean or what you meant by what you said, and then the next piece, which is very, very important, is that you want to validate before you saw that makes sense. I I see how you got there, I understand why that felt that way to you, right? So you validate what the other person is feeling. That's that that's that empathy piece of it. Research literature literature around relationship communication and conflict emphasizes patterns like validation, constructive communication, and avoiding destructive cycles as important factors in relationship quality. Number four, step number four is that we want to commit. This is where we make uh the next step clear. So this is where there's the the back and forth stops, right? Where that conversation loop, that's where that stops. And so you close with who will do what? By when? What happens if it doesn't happen? An example of this is so moving forward, we're agreeing to check the calendar before committing. If we're running late, we will text before the start time. If the tone gets disrespectful, we pause and we come back later. A conversation without a commitment becomes a cycle. The conversation will continue over and over again, but there will be no resolution, right? There will be no solution, there will be no desired outcome. So it's important that we add that peace in there, but we need that commitment. What are we doing moving forward? Next steps, so that it does not become a cycle. All right, and let us do this together. A quick demonstration. So, what I'm feeling is you want to identify what you're feeling in that moment, and then also what your need is. What do you need in this moment? So when you feel that way, when a certain thing happens, then you want to identify what you need in that moment, and then you want to clarify the issue is, the deeper need is, and then also what your request is, right? So that's making sure that you're clear even before you go to someone else to communicate it. You want to make sure you understand what you're feeling, you're in in touch with your own feelings, you know what you need, you understand what the issue is, you understand what the deeper needs, what it is that you really need, and then what your request is going to be, right? And so a way that we kind of put that all together is that we can say, when this, whatever it is, happens, I feel again being in touch with your feelings, it makes me think and state the way that it makes you think, or what it makes you think, and then what I need is right, and then the last piece is that commitment, it's the last, it's our next steps, right? So we say our next step is, and then we will start by doing this, and then determine a date there that you will respond to, all right. So putting that all together. So as an example, I'll just tell you. So when I am not informed in advance of a meeting change or an appointment change, I feel anxious. It makes me think that you don't respect my time. What I need is for it to be communicated beforehand so that I could prepare myself and adjust my schedule. And then our next step is that we will plan our schedules, look at our calendars and plan our schedules in advance. And if something is changed last minute and it's outside of our control, we will communicate it immediately. So we will start by making sure that any changes or anything that needs to be planned is communicated appropriately, and we will put that in place or we will make sure that that is done by the first Friday of every month where we plan our schedule, right? So just something simple to show you how to put it all together. Uh, but having that type of a script can help you when you go to have difficult conversations, especially those that invoke any types of feelings. And so it's also very important that we understand that half the battle is knowing where you are, what you're feeling, being in touch with your feelings, knowing what you need, right? So knowing how it makes you feel, what is the situation, what's the real issue here, and how does that make me feel? And when I feel this way, what is it that I need? What is it that you need the other person to do for you so that it alleviates or ameliorates that type of a feeling that you're experiencing, right? And so it has to be communicated clearly, but you can't clarify, you can't communicate it effectively if you are first unaware of how you feel and what you need. And I see this so many times when we do uh communication, sometimes mediations at work, you ask people, what is it, what is the outcome that you want to get from this discussion? And many people have not thought about that, right? And so it's kind of a, I don't want to say a defeating battle, but it's hard to give someone what they want or what they need when they don't know themselves what it is that they need, right? So then that leaves us kind of speculating on what we feel the other person may need, or what I think I see, or what I understand from what you're saying, right? But it's so uh it's so helpful when a person has already identified this is how I feel, and then this is what I need. And so that was something quick for us to put together and do together very quickly. Uh, but comment, communicate if you want me down in the description below or in the comment section if you want me to create more scripts for like family, for marriage, for workplace conversations. If you're interested in that, comment, communicate below. Let's talk about communication, the common communication traps, right? And what are some quick fixes that could help with these? So, trap number one, mind reading, as I stated, right? So, can you tell me what you meant? And so, what will happen is that you try to guesstimate, you try to read someone's mind uh because you're not really sure of what they're trying to communicate. So instead of trying to read their mind, what I think I hear you saying, right? So you want to ask them, can you tell me what you meant by that statement? The next trap is absolutes, you always or you never, those are absolutes, right? So that's the trap that you could also fall into. And so a fix for this is that you say lately, not you always, you never, so lately this week, in this particular situation, right? So that's the the fix so that you don't fall into this trap of absolutes. Trap number three is starting with accusations, right? You did, you know, pointing the finger, just giving accusations, no questions asked, just shouting out accusations. A way to fix this is that you start with the impact and then you request. So this situation happened, this is the impact that it had. Can you help me understand what happened there or what went wrong, or what were you trying to relay? Or right? So then you you make a request. You start with the impact, how it impacted you, and then you make the request to get a better understanding about what happened. Track number four is talking to win, right? You you're you enter into the conversation so that you are the one that is shown in the better light, that you win the situation, right? So you it's not about you winning or who's being right. It's about coming together on uh coming together with a better understanding of what the situation is, right? So you want to talk. The fix for this is to talk to understand and then to build, right? Never to just win and just leave the situation as it is. You winning this the matter does not mean that doesn't help to build or to prevent that from happening again, right? So you talk to understand and then you build. There's always the next steps, what we're building to, what we how do we change the outcome or prevent this from reoccurring. So if you found this episode helpful and you want this system and you know you'd like to have it uh in your back pocket or in your pocketbook, I made a free uh just it's called a communication system cheat sheet, right? And it's something that you can just have if you need to kind of just glance at ways that you can communicate in the moment. I understand that it's not something that comes naturally, right? And so, especially if you're used to communicating in a different way, it's gonna take some work. And then how we improve and how we really adapt this and fully implement it is through practice. The more we do it, the better we get at it, the better we're able to recognize and even be in tune with our own feelings. We're not always in tune with our own feelings, right? So the more we look at it and self reflect, then the more we're able to recognize how we feel, right? That's that emotional intelligence piece about how we feel, and then also recognizing the feelings of others. So I have a cheat sheet. If you'd like that, it includes what we talked about today the the pause, clarity, connect, and the commit framework, and then the scripts. That we talked about for those hard conversations. And then also the impact, meaning, and request sentence starters, right? How do we start that? And then the repair checklist. So to get that, you just need to click the link in the description below and subscribe because next week we're doing conflict without chaos, a step-by-step system to disagree and stay connected. How can you do both simultaneously and do it effectively, right? That's what we're going to talk about next week. As we do together, let us affirm as we close out this episode. So repeat after me. And again, we we believe we repeat, we say affirmations because we believe that our words frame the world around us, right? And so we speak things uh that are not as though they are. So we do our affirmations together that are aligned to what we've been talking about. So please repeat after repeat after me. I can be honest and kind. I can communicate clearly without fear. I can pause instead of reacting. I create connection with wisdom and love. And I am becoming completely whole. God bless you. Thank you for tuning in. And my prayer for you is that you'll be made completely whole, that you put some of these practices into place so that it can improve uh your communication and how you speak with others, how you are in touch and reflect upon your own self and how you feel, uh, but so that it moves you toward wholeness. And so if you need to go back over it again, do get the free download as well so that you can practice this, right? Because it will make your life so much better. Until next time, be made whole.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

Good morning or good afternoon, or maybe it's evening. It doesn't really matter what time it is, and it doesn't even matter where you are. We want to welcome you to Holeness Wednesdays. So grab a cup of coffee or tea and join our host, Beatrice Hutchison, as we explore and experience our journey to complete.