When Boundaries Get Tested: How to Hold Your Line Without Guilt or Drama

If you set boundaries but people keep pushing back, testing you, or crossing the line, this episode is for you. Today on Wholeness Wednesdays from Completely Whole, we are talking about what to do when boundaries get tested, and how to enforce boundaries without guilt, drama, or over-explaining.

Question: What do I do when someone keeps crossing my boundaries?

 Stop repeating the boundary and start repeating the consequence. A boundary is not only what you say, it is what you will do. Communicate clearly, follow through consistently, and reduce access if the pattern continues.

In this episode you will learn:

• State, Repeat, Reinforce, Reduce, a simple boundary enforcement system
• How to stop negotiating your peace
• One sentence scripts for pushback, guilt trips, and pressure
• How to choose consequences you can actually follow through on
• The boundary ladder for repeated violations

Download the free lead magnet: Boundary Enforcement Toolkit here: [link]

Boundary Script: (Live Demonstration)

My boundary is: __________________________________
My one sentence script is: __________________________
If they push back, I will repeat: ____________________
If they ignore it, I will do: ________________________
If it continues, I will reduce: ______________________

Example:
 Boundary: “No calls after 8.”
 Script: “I’m offline after 8. I’ll respond tomorrow.”
 Repeat: same sentence
 Do: do not answer
 Reduce: silence notifications and return calls at set time

Comment below: Which boundary are you enforcing right now, time, tone, money, or family?

#WholenessWednesdays #CompletelyWhole #Boundaries #HealthyBoundaries #BoundaryEnforcement #PeoplePleasing #EmotionalHealth #CommunicationSkills #RelationshipAdvice #FamilyBoundaries #WorkBoundaries #FinancialBoundaries #PersonalGrowth #FaithAndWellness #ChristianWellness

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

If your boundary keeps getting misunderstood, here's the truth that I want you to know. A boundary that is not enforced becomes just a suggestion. And if you keep explaining your boundary to someone who benefits from ignoring it, you are not communicating. You are negotiating your peace. Today we're talking about what to do when boundaries get tested, ignored, or even pushed back on. I'll show you a simple system to hold your line without guilt, without drama, and without becoming someone you do not want to be.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Good morning or good afternoon, or maybe it's evening. It doesn't really matter what time it is, and it doesn't even matter where you are. We want to welcome you to Holeness Wednesdays. So grab a cup of coffee or tea and join our host, Beatrice Hutchison, as we explore and experience our journey to complete.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

And I'm your host, Beatrice Hutcherson. And this month, for the month of April, we are talking about a relationship reset. And so here we are in week three, and we're talking about what to do with those boundaries. And next week, we're talking about how to repair and to rebuild trust because healthy relationships require both boundaries and repair. So let's answer this question up front. What do I do when someone keeps crossing my boundaries? You stop repeating the boundary and start repeating the consequence. A boundary is not just what you say, it is what you will do. You communicate it clearly, follow through consistently, and reduce access if needed. You do not need to argue, you just need a plan. So let's normalize this. Boundaries often get tested. They do. That's just the truth of it. So boundaries they get tested, and they usually get tested because people are used to the old version of you. They're used to you responding in the way that benefited them. Number two is that they benefited from your overavailability. And they do not like discomfort, is number three. And then number four is they assume you will fold if they pressure you. So they feel like they can get you to not hold true to your boundary. Also, sometimes they are not intentionally bad, right? They're simply accustomed, right? Or they're not accustomed to this new way of life or these new boundaries that you put in place. But your job is not to manage their comfort, your job is to protect your wholeness. There's a quote that says, You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. Think about that for a moment. So not often on how you tell them to treat you, right? But how and what you allow. So let's talk about the boundary maintenance system. Hair is a system for when your boundary gets tested. So I call it the state, repeat, reinforce, and reinduce model, right? So you first want to state the boundary once and clearly. Repeat one sentence, do not debate, reinforce with the consequence you control. Then reduce access if the pattern continues. And this is how boundaries become real. So step one, let's talk about state. Step one is state. So a boundary has three parts. Number one is the limit, number two is the condition, and number three is the action you will take, right? That's the consequence. So an example of this would be I'm not available for calls after eight. If you call, I respond tomorrow. Or I'm not discussing that topic. If it comes up, I'll change the subject. Or leave. Another one is I can't lend money. If you ask again, my answer will still be no. So if your boundary requires a long explanation, it is probably still a negotiation, and that's how others will see it. Step number two is that you repeat, right? Step two is repeat. So this is considered the broken record technique. This is a part that frees those that are people pleasers. So when someone pushes, when someone pushes back on you when you've set up a boundary, you do not give, you don't have to give new information. You repeat the same sentence in the same tone, right? So that they see the consistency and they understand that you're serious about what you're saying. So you repeat those phrases. And here are some examples of what you could use. You can say that doesn't work for me. And they say whatever they say to try to convince you your same response, that doesn't work for me. Or you could say, My answer is no, and they can say, but and but and but and you and your response is still the same. My answer is no. Another phrase as an example that you could use is I hear you, and my answer is still no. Another phrase, I understand you feel that way. But my answer is still no. Your calm repetition is what closes the debate, right? So you state it clearly, they understand this is not a negotiation, it is not a debate. I have clearly stated what I will do. So now let's move on to step three. Step three is reinforce, and so this is the consequence that you control. Here's the key difference between a boundary and a request. A request sounds like, please stop. A boundary sounds like if it continues, I will do this. Consequences are not punishments, they are protective actions. Boundary consequences, uh, some examples of that could be uh time boundaries, right? So in the area of time boundaries, you can say, or you could put this in place if they text late, you respond the next day. That could be something that you say, or if they call repeatedly, you silence notifications. Those are things that you could put in place for yourself to hold true and to enforce what your boundaries are. So the tone of boundaries, if they raise their voice, you end the conversation, if they use sarcasm, you pause and reschedule. The respect boundaries are if they insult you, you leave. Very simple. If they gossip, you do not engage, you excuse yourself. For money boundaries, if they pressure you, you stop discussing it. If they keep asking, you use one sentence and end the conversation. Something important to know is that the consequence must be something that you actually do consistently, it's something that you have to commit to doing consistently. Step number four is reduce. And so here we're talking about reduce is the access, uh, the information and the closeness, right? So you get to choose uh how much you share. This is where someone or some people get stuck because they think reducing access is mean, right? Or being unfair, or that they're slighting the person in some way. But reducing access is sometimes the healthiest step. Not everyone gets full access to you, and that's just how it should be. Here are three ways to reduce without drama. Number one, you can reduce access to your time. And what does that mean? That means fewer calls, uh shorter visits, plan windows only, right? You have those those windows of time that you will give people access to you or certain people access to you. Number two is that you reduce the access to information, you stop over-sharing, you stop explaining or over-explaining, you stop giving details they use or can use against you. Next, you reduce access to closeness, step back emotionally, keep the relationship polite but limited. Sometimes you have to put those limitations, those boundaries in place. The truth about boundaries is that they're not just words, they are filters for access. Now let's talk about the boundary ladder. And this is something you put in place when it keeps happening. So it's an escalation ladder, so you do not jump from polite to nuclear, right? So that you don't, as they say, go from one all the way to a hundred. So it's an escalation ladder that helps you to control how it escalates. So on level one, that's your your clear boundary, right? That's the clear boundary statement. Your level two is to repeat the phrase only. Number three is that you enforce the consequence. Level four is that you reduce the access. And then level five is you seek mediation. So one, you make the statement, you state the boundary. Number two, you repeat the phrase only. Guess what your boundary is? You're repeating it only. Level three is where you enforce the consequence, level four is where you reduce access, and level five is where you seek mediation, right? Because you've already tried all that you can to keep it at a certain level, but then once it goes above that, then it's important that you seek for mediation or support or professional guidance if needed, right? So that's some sort of outside help. This letter keeps you stable instead of reactive, it helps allows you to control your feelings and also where the conversation goes. All right, so let's do a demonstration together. So, what we're going to do is we are going to do our little boundary script, right? And so I'll share you my board, my trusty board here. See if you could see that. Maybe not so close up. But it says, My boundary is my one-sentence script, is if they push back, I will repeat. If they ignore it, I will do, and if it continues, I will reduce, right? So it talks about what the script will be. So let's do this together very quickly. And you can get a notepad. I have my little board here, but you can get anything that you can write on. Uh, and so this is what you uh something that you could put in place, right? So it can be uh, let's see, no calls after eight. I'll use that one, right? Because that is my family time, right? So that's the the boundary that I put in place, and this is the one sentence script, anyone, right? And so as I state here, my boundary, no calls after eight. My one sentence is I'm offline after eight, I'll respond tomorrow. And if they push back, I will repeat, I'm offline after eight, I'll respond tomorrow. And if they ignore it, what will I do? I won't answer. And if it continues, I'll reduce by silencing my notifications or turning the phone off, right? And so something as simple as this will allow you to have a structure, have a script in place so that you can stick to your boundaries, right? It's so important that you enforce your boundaries because as I started off by saying, is that if you do not enforce your own boundary, it becomes a suggestion, right? Something that you're suggesting, but nothing that you plan on holding people to. So it's important that you enforce it. And so I hope that that little activity was helpful. We did it together. So I'm hoping that it was helpful to you. And so, if so, just comment for me boundary in the description box on the comments below and tell me which one that you're enforcing, right? The time, the tone, the money, or family, whichever it is for you. But let me know what boundary you're putting in place. I'd love to know. All right, so now let me give you some uh some ideas of what the pushbacks may look like, right? And then some ideas of how you can respond to those pushbacks. So, what to say uh when they say you've changed, you can say I'm growing, right? It's not you're not denying that, okay, there are some changes. I recognize that, but I'm growing, I'm not changing, I'm growing. When they say you're being selfish, you can say I'm being reasonable with my capacity. When they say it's not a big deal, your response can be it matters to me. When they say you're too sensitive, your response could be this is my limit. When they say, but I need you, your response could be, I hear you, I'm still not able to. So those are some examples that you could use that could be helpful. And by no means do you want to close people off, right? And not be able to help, but you have to have your own boundaries in place and you have to stick to your own boundaries for your own peace, for your own sanity, right? And so sometimes people will take advantage of our availability or the access that we give people to us, and then they end up depleting us of all of our energy, depleting us of all of our peace. And so we're not able to do the things that we need to do for our families, for our work, for whatever it is, even in our relationship with God, because um they've over they've overtaxed us, right? Or we're overtaxed, we're burnt out, we're overwhelmed. And so boundaries they do not make you hard, right? They make you healthy, and that's something that's a mind shift that we have to have. That you it is to make you healthy, it's to make sure that you're in a good place, to make sure that you always keep your cup full, right? So that you can continue to serve others. But it's making sure that you know what you need and that you're meeting your own personal needs, and the right people will adjust, they will respect it, they will understand. The wrong people, however, will complain. That's what they'll do because now you put them in a place where they feel uncomfortable. But either way, your peace is not up for negotiation, and that's the stance that you have to take. If you want help finding boundaries without guilt, I made a free uh document that I could share. A little toolkit is called the boundary enforcement toolkit, and I can share the link to that below, and so it'll just have the the process that I talked about: the state, repeat, reinforce, reduce system, the boundary level or the boundary ladder worksheet, uh, and then also the the scripts, the sentence scripts that I gave you as far as when they push back. And so, and then also a quick what to do when I feel guilty reset page, right? Because you will feel guilty, especially if you're the type of person that is a people pleaser, one that always puts the needs of others above your own, it's going to also be a transition for you. It will not be easy. Some people do not have no in their vocabulary, right? But it's something that helps us to stay healthy. And so we have to do that. And I certainly understand because I was that one that always wanted to serve and always be there for people, but it was at my own detriment. And so I had to learn how to put boundaries in place. They are so important, they keep us healthy, right? And so, and and if I be honest, with the relationships that really mattered, it didn't cause any issues, right? And so that's what we need to look at, but whether it's the wrong people or the right people. And so, if it's the wrong people, then they don't need to have access to us anyway, and we do not need to be in relationship with them if they are the wrong ones for the season and the time that we're in. So if you want this too, grab it in the description box below, and then also subscribe because next week we are closing April with Repair after hurt, the trust rebuild system. Because sometimes relationships can, you know, we can be hurt by one another, and but there's always a way to rebuild. So that's what we're gonna be talking about. So I hope that you were able to take away that it is important to put boundaries in place so that you guard your own gauge, right? That you guard your own peace, that you uh that you guard your own uh mental stability, right? God gave you all of these things, and we have to be good stewards over it. And so that was our focus today, and I hope you were able to glean and take away from that. And so, as we often do when we close, we repeat our declaration. So repeat after me. I am allowed to have limits, I do not have to over-explain. My boundary is loving and wise, I follow through with calm confidence. I protect my peace and my purpose. I am becoming completely whole. Wonderful. Thank you so much for spending this time with us tonight. And so I do my prayer for you is that you will be made completely whole in every area of your life and that you will be able to put the necessary boundaries in place that allow you to protect your peace, your your mental well-being, your emotional well-being, and ultimately your purpose that will allow you to be good stewards over that which God has given you. Until next time, be made whole.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

We thank you for sharing this time with us here at Holeness Wednesdays. Thank you for joining us to explore and experience this journey to complete wholeness. Please remember that we are only an email awake. Your questions and input are welcome via BHutch at completely whole one.com. See you next time here at Holeness Wednesdays.