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The Relationship Blueprint: Unlock Your Power of Connection
Colleen is a student of Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt who created the Imago Theory and have brought this work to over 50 countries around the world. She is profoundly influenced by this belief shared by Dr. Harville Hendrix. He said, "We are born in relationship, wounded in relationship and healed in relationship."
What are you struggling with today? Colleen believes that almost any problem we have began with a broken or unhealed relationship. The anxiety or deep sadness we feel often began with unresolved issues in our relationships with our parents, partner, family or friends. When we have unmet needs we are programed to get those needs met. When we don't get what we need we protest by protecting ourselves. this often looks like defensive, critical, demanding behaviors. these behaviors are most often ineffective. As a result we may develop unhealthy relationship with food, sex, gambling our or a substance.
Colleen invites world renown relationship specialists from all over the world to help her guests explore their own relationships and see their problems through a relational lens. She will help us explore how to create intimacy to deepen our connections. Her listeners will gain insights to create a more joyful life.
Colleen is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of South Carolina, a certified, Advanced Imago Clinical therapist, a clinical instructor for the Imago International Trading Institute while maintaining her clinical practice in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.
Thank you for joining Colleen today. Remember, don't let life happen to you. You can be the architect of your relationships. Join her next time on the Relationship Blueprint; Unlock Your Power of Connection.
Contact Colleen at colleen@hiltonheadislandcounseling.com for questions or to be a guest on the show!
The Relationship Blueprint: Unlock Your Power of Connection
Episode 15: Let's Unpack the Hidden Dynamics of Goal Achievement
Ever wondered why our New Year's resolutions fizzle out despite our best intentions? Discover the underlying factors that can make or break your goals as we explore the nuances of clarity, motivation, and accountability. Together, we'll examine how viewing your objectives through a relational lens can uncover unhealthy ties with yourself or external influences. Ask yourself why change is necessary and re-evaluate past methods to unlock the true potential of your aspirations. Learn why mental health is more than just a buzzword but a pillar of sustained motivation and how regular check-ins can be your secret weapon in achieving meaningful growth.
As we close the curtain on season one of the Relationship Blueprint, I want to extend my deepest gratitude for your unwavering support. Overcoming procrastination and perfectionism was no small feat, but your encouragement has been a beacon throughout this journey. I'm thrilled to share that season two, set for 2025, promises even more engaging conversations with guests who will help us all harness the power of connection. Let's continue this journey together, celebrating our past successes and anticipating a year brimming with joy, self-discovery, and empowerment. Thank you for being an essential part of this community.
Show Notes and Transcript:
Episode 15: Let's Unpack the Hidden Dynamics of Goal Achievement
The research says that our success can be impacted by four factors:
1. The clarity of our goal
2. Our own motivation
3. Accountability
4. Motivation
What if we approach this year with a new perspective? I’d like us to look at our needs and wants from a relational perspective. Let’s begin with factor number one. Can we get clear about our goal?
1. Is there a relationship I have with something or someone that I want to explore and possibly change?
2. Identify a relationship where you are struggling. Is this a relationship with yourself, an important personal relationship, work, food, alcohol, drugs, etc.?
3. Write a statement of clarity. My relationship with _____ isn’t healthy for me.
4. Why do I want this change in my life?
5. Do I believe I am worthy of this change?
6. What have I already tried in the past to make these changes?
7. Have I had success in the past?
8. What was my strategy that worked?
9. Is it possible that I might have stop doing something?
10. Am I willing to let something go?
11. Can I tolerate the distress caused by making these changes?
When doing a mental health self-assessment jot done the things you have accomplished in the last year. Be specific. It’s important to celebrate our successes! Include the small and the big things. Ask a friend to help you if you are stuck. They will often remember things you might dismiss. I encourage you to use a journal to record your responses to the following questions:
1. What have been my big and small accomplishments of 2024?
2. How content am I with my current situation?
3. What is one area I want to focus on for the next month?
4. What is my anxiety level about this issue? 10 high or 1 low
5. What about this issue causes be to feel depressed?
6. How many times a week do I struggle with my mood
Thank you for joining me today on the Relationship Blueprint. Remember, don't let life happen to you. You can be the architect of your relationships. So join me next time on the Relationship Blueprint; Unlock Your Power of Connection.
Contact Colleen at colleen@hiltonheadislandcounseling.com for questions or to be a guest on the show!
welcome back everyone to the relationship blueprint.
Speaker 1:Unlock your power of connection. We're only days away from new year's eve. As I was scrolling through instagram this morning, all of the messages about christmas cheer have left us and we're now bombarded with all of our goals for 25, about how we can have a sober january or a beach body by June, if only we buy this product or do this thing. People are working on their budgets. They promise to cook more at home, pay that credit card debt off. All of these are really important things that we want in our lives. But making New Year's resolutions we all know that we have the best of intentions, but good intentions will not take us over the finish line. By the end of the year, only 8 to 20% of the goals that people have made are achieved, and I've struggled with this too. Why do we have so much difficulty keeping a promise to ourselves that will inevitably be good for us? If you're listening and you're in your car or a place where you don't have paper, don't worry about it. Keep listening. But eventually, if you'd like to go through this process with me, you're going to need a journal or a tablet to write things down If you want to commit this year to a goal that's just for you. The notes from the show will provide you with all of the steps or guidance you will need. So let's start with research. The research says that our success in achieving our goals are impacted by four major factors One, how clear we are about our goal. Two, our own motivation. Three, accountability and four, actionable steps.
Speaker 1:So this year, what if we approach our goals or our resolutions with a different perspective? I'd like to look at our needs and wants from a relational point of view. Wants from a relational point of view. So let's begin with factor number one. Can we get clear about our goal? Is there a relationship that I have with something or someone that I want to explore and possibly change? If I identify a relationship that's struggling, is this relationship with myself an important personal relationship? My work, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping? Write a statement of clarity. My relationship with blank isn't healthy for me. It's just a good place to start. My relationship with blank isn't healthy for me. It's just a good place to start. My relationship with blank isn't healthy for me.
Speaker 1:Then ask yourself why do I want to change this in my life? What do I imagine life will look like if I do achieve this thing. Is it realistic? Do I believe I'm worthy of this change? It's a big question. What have I already tried in the past to make these changes? Have I had success in the past? What was my strategy that worked? Is it possible that I might have to stop doing something in order to achieve what I really want to do? Am I willing to let something go? Can I tolerate the distress caused by making these changes? This is one that cannot be overlooked. There will be distress. Humans do not love change. Even though we want it, we still resist it. This is a big one. Can I tolerate the distress caused by making these changes? Well, I want to help you connect with your power to create a blueprint for success.
Speaker 1:So let's go to the second factor of success, which is motivation. Now, if you're like most of us, our motivation is pretty high right now. Something about a new year, new school year. We get new books. We make all kinds of promises. January, we do the same. That's really because, inside, we want change and we're looking for a reason to make that change.
Speaker 1:However, setting goals without some real thought and preparation is not the best way to set ourselves up for success and I believe we skip this important step In life. We rarely accomplish anything worthwhile without preparation. We warm the oven before we bake. We have nine months to prepare for a baby. We save money to get that down payment. Yet what will we have to do differently to prepare for this change so that we can really set ourselves up for that success?
Speaker 1:The first place we might want to check is our mental health. You might wonder mental health? I'm trying to do this thing which is going to create better mental health. What does that have to do with my goal setting, success of achieving that goal? Well, everything. How do we change something that has been historically a challenge if we don't really know what has kept us from making the change? Mental health and motivation go hand in hand.
Speaker 1:If suddenly I could be the new secretary of health and human services no one's asked me to do that, but I would I would create a policy where everyone would get a mental health checkup twice a year. It would just be part of your insurance plan, whatever you're doing for your health, physical and mental because your physical health depends on your mental health. My plan would look a lot like going to the dentist twice a year for a cleaning and a general exam. You would schedule a check-in with your therapist. Everything looks good. You leave smiling and check back in in six months, but you might discover something that's getting in the way of you living your best life and your therapist and you can work on that together until you both feel like you've accomplished your goal. Therapy can be solution focused and short term. It does not have to be years and years. I just had a client in the other day, first time I've seen this client. She received some insight that I believe will help her make some better choices and she left with a new perspective. I love it when that happens.
Speaker 1:If you don't have a relationship with a therapist and you may not be ready to establish one and that's okay Checking in with yourself at the start of this year and making it a regular habit may really be enough to help you achieve your goals. When doing a mental health self-assessment, I want you to jot down the things that you've accomplished in this year of 2024. Be specific. It's important to celebrate our successes, include the small and the big things, and if you can't really identify those things very well, ask a friend. They can help remind you if you're stuck, I encourage you to use this journal to record your responses to any of the questions we've already discussed, and especially the following.
Speaker 1:Number one what have I succeeded in that I want to celebrate, big and small, for 2024? Two how content am I with my current situation? That means work, school relationships. Three what is one area I really want to focus on just for the month of January? Four what is my anxiety level when I think about this issue? So, 10 is high, one is low.
Speaker 1:Giving up alcohol Is it an eight? Is it a 2? What is it 5. What about this issue causes me to feel depressed? What do I tell myself about this issue? What is my story about why I can't limit my drinking or have a better relationship with my husband? Six how many times do I struggle with my mood and daily functioning? Seven what brings me joy Like? For me, it's playing tennis. I just feel like a kid. What keeps me from doing more of this? Where can I find more time in my week to schedule joy? Eight am I practicing self-care? Do I even know what that looks like for me? Can I think about one way I can commit to self-care this week? Number nine how are my moods impacting my daily functioning at work, my relationships, achieving my goals? So when I'm down or anxious, do I snap at people? What gets in the way of me achieving my goals?
Speaker 1:For some of you, this exercise alone may just increase your self-awareness and your self-exploration and you may find yourself ready to go ahead and set your goals. But what if keeping this mental health journal is your goal just for the month of January? This is considered your preparation. This is you preheating the oven before you dive into a goal that you may not be ready to begin. Remember, if achieving this goal was easy, you'd already be doing it. An honest self-reflection about how you're doing is a sign of growth and will help you prepare for success. February may be a better date to commit to your goal, because if you see that your mood is really interfering with your ability to do the things you really want to do, you may want to make that appointment to see that therapist.
Speaker 1:Clearly, only a mental health provider can make a medical diagnosis, and together you can begin to unpack. You know what is getting in the way. If you had heart palpitations, you definitely see your doctor. A bad tooth sends you right to the dentist. Funny, though, if you're're depressed, it will be very difficult for you to probably go get help because you really tell yourself it'll be better tomorrow. But I'd like you to think about how difficult it will be for you to just make yourself walk every day or give up sugar or whatever is in your blank if you're depressed.
Speaker 1:While both of these things are healthy habits, finding the energy when you're depressed makes these two goals really hard to do. For some reason, we're not really good at acknowledging the emotional pain that we feel as real pain. If you're human and you've experienced pain, the wise Buddhists say pain is inevitable, but suffering is not. So if pain is a natural part of our life, our response to it is in our control, and that's what we have to learn. How to do is manage that.
Speaker 1:At the end of January, I'd like you to use your journal entries to help you get clear about your plan for achieving your goals in February. Your original blank you filled in earlier in your journal may have changed during this month. For example, if you've identified that you have an unhealthy relationship with food and your original goal was that I want to lose 10 pounds, you may also, in this month, identified yourself as an emotional eater. So, instead of making weight loss your goal, you may decide that your unhealthy relationship with food is really what's underneath, that is, dealing with your emotions. What if, every time you felt uncomfortable, lonely, tired, instead of reaching for that bag of chips, having a list ready of alternatives, so that, instead of reaching for that immediate gratification, you replace that behavior with an act of self-love Taking a bath, reading a book, cutting up an apple if you're really hungry, feeding your body something nourishing the list goes on. That weight may come off with that new diet, but eventually it sneaks back in like a hungry ghost but eventually it sneaks back in like a hungry ghost. However, changing your relationship with food takes time, practice and self-compassion. These changes will lead to lasting change.
Speaker 1:The third factor I want to talk about is accountability. It really helps to tell someone you love and trust about your goal. This helps us be accountable to ourselves. Be careful to choose someone who will cheer you on and not judge you when you have a setback. You don't need the New Year's resolution goal police watching you as you struggle through your changes. You want someone who's going to really be there and remind you that you can do this thing and how can they help.
Speaker 1:What else can help? Write it on your mirror. Make it a screensaver. Use it as a password. Most of all, be gentle with yourself. If you have a tough day or week, just reset Each time you struggle. It's an opportunity to reflect what got in my way this time. What do I need to do to help support myself so that I do better tomorrow?
Speaker 1:The final success factor will include some actionable steps. This is where all that journaling comes in. Writing things down is a really important step to success. If you do write this down, your success rate has just increased by at least 42%. Be so clear about what will change in your life once you've achieved this goal. List all the things that could get in the way. List all the resources that will help you feel supported. List any steps that need to be taken prior to the start. Be specific. Do some research on your topic. Finding an expert who will guide you is always helpful. You don't have to do this alone.
Speaker 1:I want to thank you for listening to my first season of the Relationship Blueprint. It has been fun, exciting and I have learned so much. Letting go of both procrastination and perfectionism were necessary steps prior to my bigger goal of starting this podcast. If you do enjoy the podcast, please take a moment to rate the podcast or leave a comment. It really helps boost my visibility and my reach so that I can help more people. If you would like to reach me, I can be reached at Colleen at HiltonHeadIslandCounselingcom. I hope to see you next year for season two of the Relationship Blueprint. Unlock your Power of Connection. We will meet with many more exciting guests in 2025. I wish you a year of joy, self-discovery and unlocking your power. Have a great day.
