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The Relationship Blueprint: Unlock Your Power of Connection
Colleen is a student of Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt who created the Imago Theory and have brought this work to over 50 countries around the world. She is profoundly influenced by this belief shared by Dr. Harville Hendrix. He said, "We are born in relationship, wounded in relationship and healed in relationship."
What are you struggling with today? Colleen believes that almost any problem we have began with a broken or unhealed relationship. The anxiety or deep sadness we feel often began with unresolved issues in our relationships with our parents, partner, family or friends. When we have unmet needs we are programed to get those needs met. When we don't get what we need we protest by protecting ourselves. this often looks like defensive, critical, demanding behaviors. these behaviors are most often ineffective. As a result we may develop unhealthy relationship with food, sex, gambling our or a substance.
Colleen invites world renown relationship specialists from all over the world to help her guests explore their own relationships and see their problems through a relational lens. She will help us explore how to create intimacy to deepen our connections. Her listeners will gain insights to create a more joyful life.
Colleen is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of South Carolina, a certified, Advanced Imago Clinical therapist, a clinical instructor for the Imago International Trading Institute while maintaining her clinical practice in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.
Thank you for joining Colleen today. Remember, don't let life happen to you. You can be the architect of your relationships. Join her next time on the Relationship Blueprint; Unlock Your Power of Connection.
Contact Colleen at colleen@hiltonheadislandcounseling.com for questions or to be a guest on the show!
The Relationship Blueprint: Unlock Your Power of Connection
Connected Parents Thriving Kids with Marcia Ferstenfeld
Join us for an inspiring episode as we celebrate the joy of welcoming new life into the world with the birth of Baby Jonah Gray. This episode is a heartfelt discussion on the journeys of parenting, the innate challenges that come with it, and how our past shapes our present as parents. We dive deep into the tapestry of family dynamics, reflecting on the teachings and strategies shared by parenting expert Marcia Ferstenfeld.
As we recount the profound experiences of parenting, we emphasize how critical relationships are in shaping our interactions with children. Marcia sheds light on her upcoming parenting course, where she imparts invaluable knowledge for parents and educators alike, guiding them on a path to foster deeper connections. Recognizing that parenting is a continuous journey of discovery, we discuss the importance of accepting imperfection and growing through the challenges we face.
Our conversation reflects how the simple act of mirroring feelings can help bridge gaps between parents and children, turning emotional turmoil into constructive dialogue. We delve into the significance of setting boundaries, encouraging self-reflection, and nurturing the strong foundation of meaningful relationships to empower the next generation. Tune in and explore the gems of wisdom we uncover in this timely reflection on parenting and relationships as we equip ourselves with the tools needed to raise emotionally healthy children. Don't forget to subscribe, share, and join us in the conversation!
Go to imagorelationshipswork.com to sign up for Marcia's class.
Show Notes:
Thank you for joining me today on the Relationship Blueprint. Remember, don't let life happen to you. You can be the architect of your relationships. So join me next time on the Relationship Blueprint; Unlock Your Power of Connection.
Contact Colleen at colleen@hiltonheadislandcounseling.com for questions or to be a guest on the show!
So welcome everybody, welcome back to the Relationship Blueprint. Unlock your power of connection. And today I'm really excited. I really want to share some great news. Our family has added a new member. His name is Jonah Gray and he was born early this morning, a little boy in Greenville, south Carolina, and we are so happy for his mom and dad and for his little brother, miles. So welcome, jonah Gray, and I can't think of another person that I'd rather talk to this morning, on the day of a birth, of a brand new life, a brand new baby that's coming into this world, and we're all learning every day about parenting and grandparenting and relationships, and so, once again, I have a guest who's been with us before and she doesn't know this, but she is one of the top three episodes in season one and two of the Relationship Blueprint, and if you didn't hear from Marcia Furstenfeld, the episode was on January 16th, 2025, parenting 101. So if you like what you hear today and you want to hear more, you're going to want to travel back to that episode.
Speaker 1:Marcia is an amazing imago therapist and a parenting expert and she teaches parenting courses to many parents and educators all over the world, and she's going to be teaching a course and you may have already started. I'll let you talk about that. I have it March 10th March 10th, so it's still people can enroll. I'm going to give you a minute to tell us about that course. As soon as I finish this, I want to share with you and with our viewers that we are in 92 cities and 24 countries, and so the relationship blueprint is international and people are sharing it, and thank you everyone for sharing it with your family, your friends, your clients. I'm getting great feedback from therapists who are sharing the work with their clients and from our listeners, so really excited. Our mission is to help people improve and deepen relationships, so thank you to all of our listeners and to all of our guests who make that possible. So welcome Marcia.
Speaker 2:It's lovely to be here, coco. I look forward to chatting with you, and the parenting work is. It's a journey of discovery that I was learning as I was co-creating this course, and I continue to be amazed at how much it informed the work that I do with couples.
Speaker 1:Can you tell me more about that? So you're I want to just you're a couples therapist primarily. However, as you were creating this course, what you're telling us is that the development of the parenting course really helped you really work with your couples.
Speaker 2:Do I have you, you do? Helped you really work with your couples? Do I have you, you do? It seemed to open a layer beneath, beyond, and I think the layers had gone pretty deep before. So that's why I was surprised, is that sort of feeling of when you think you know something and then you discover more and it's like, okay, that really nails it, that clarifies it, that helps so much to grasp. And there's nothing more important, I think, and nothing more challenging than helping to fashion and form a life as it starts out in the womb and comes into the world, and it needs help, it needs guidance, it needs encouragement, it needs so many many contributions and the relationship between the parents. It's like, if you think about it, what's going on in the space between a man and a woman, or two women or two men, whoever the parents are going on in that space, is the field in which the baby, the child, the adolescent is living breathing, learning, modeling.
Speaker 1:So your imaging, marcia, is so beautiful to me because I guess I'm so present in this moment about Jonah Gray and Miles and Kayla and Kevin and I'm picturing this beautiful bubble and that Kayla and Kevin as the mom and dad that their space between is so precious and whatever is going on between them has everything to do and will impact Jonah and Miles yeah, and the reality of how in love they are really is important but also the extraneous things that pop that bubble, like exhaustion, fear, worry, all the things that especially new babies bring to parents, even if they have experience. Just what a challenge all that is.
Speaker 2:It always amazes me, and also, of course, the parents bring their own childhood traumas into this as well. Yes, but I think, because there's something about I don't know if it's me or everyone, I think there is something in most women anyway. There's even chemical evidence that we're supposed to forget some of the extreme challenges, the pain, the difficulty of childbirth and so forth. And if you're fortunate and you're not in postpartum depression or some other very challenging situation, in a normal situation the delight of the child and what he or she brings into the family overrides and overrules in memory the things that are so hard and I sometimes forget. And then I talk to young parents and I think, oh my gosh, how did we survive? How did we get enough sleep? And then these parents of multiples. And, oh my gosh, it's humanity. As human beings we're asked to rise to an extraordinary level of performance and we can. We can stretch and we can grow and we can expand.
Speaker 1:So so what you're saying is striking my heart quite deeply. I'm in Atlanta with another beautiful family, our youngest daughter and her husband. They're away. And I'm here with the girls in Atlanta and they're five and eight, and you know carpool and you know, and I'm here with the girls in Atlanta and they're five and eight, and you know carpool, and you know lessons after school and packing snacks and you know taking the dog. I'm just aware of how much they do in a day. So while I'm holding this other family, I'm also aware of the challenges you know, at a later age of development that they're going through and also, as you said, kind of looking back like wow, I did all this too and the time I really don't knew I must have been tired, but I kind of have wiped out some of those memories you said. You know the exhaustion. I kind of romanticize about how it was and just how much fun it was to be the mom and to have these beautiful little people, but it's exhausting too.
Speaker 2:It is. I mean you simply don't new babies, you don't get a lot of sleep, plain and simple.
Speaker 1:So, when we think about this, you're bringing up how your work with couples really was enhanced and changed by your experience of developing the parenting course, and I'm curious if you could tell our listeners how was it helpful to work with a couple and then have this parenting lens? How did that impact your work with the couple?
Speaker 2:Not sure I can carve, except for some of the exercises that we developed. For some of the exercises that we developed recognizing the importance of empowerment and resilience and how many of us were cared for but we weren't given what we needed to develop empowerment and resilience. And in looking at the children's need, the child needs to know it's okay to make mistakes, and so what I know when I'm looking at the child's need for being allowed to fail and having that rejoice, you know it's not only about doing it right, it's about the lesson of attempt, and so that helps then reflect on how do the couple, the adult couple, how do they arrive without having had those lessons in developing resilience or accepting themselves as imperfect beings? Self-rejection, perfectionism, all of those things all?
Speaker 1:of those things. What you're saying is, if I, as the young mom long time ago, but as the young mom, and my husband, if we which who has resolved all that stuff, but our unresolved wounds and our unmet needs that as parents we unconsciously bring those issues with us as we become parents, and because we're not, until we can bring that to the consciousness and become more aware of those unmet needs, then somehow we're going to bring that to our children and perhaps do harm that. Certainly we don't have the intention to do, but it happens.
Speaker 2:Sure yeah. And one of the things I say in the parenting program is I will guarantee you one thing you won't do it perfectly. Not in the cards, it's not a possibility. What you can do is be more conscious and less reactive, and that is true of our relationships with our partners as well.
Speaker 1:So what is an exercise that our listeners could explore on their own to really begin to say you know, what am I bringing to my children? That I really want to look at that. I'm not really sure where it comes from, but I really. I need to look at this in order to become more effective.
Speaker 2:How? What would they look at in their own contribution to their children? Exercise In the programs there are a number of exercises where you take a look at where are my strengths and where are my not-so-strengths or weaknesses, and sometimes they're the same. We have both a strength and a weakness in the same category. But thinking what is it that a well-rounded child needs that I maybe wasn't given and don't have it to give unless I work on developing it or paying attention to where might I be going to compensate? And going to the opposite extreme. And so somebody who comes from an authoritarian family and they say I'm just going to go the other way and I'm going to be easy and loose, and then their children don't have the structure they need. So one of the quotes in the program is John Bradshaw 180 degrees from sick is still sick.
Speaker 1:I love that. I love that, I love that. So if I had this authoritarian parent who I had to do everything that I was told to do, without any autonomy, then I might become so loose and relaxed with my child because I want them to have autonomy that they end up having no structure, no support, no, safety Right, and the balance is what is important.
Speaker 2:It's not one extreme or the other. So structure and predictability are very, very important to small children, and we don't do it perfectly, but in balance.
Speaker 1:What you say. I'm noticing, in just in my grandparenting role, my own reactivity around certain things. So I was thinking about how do I do this better when my granddaughter cries and I really can't logically follow the path, can't?
Speaker 2:logically follow the path of what you know. You don't know why she's crying.
Speaker 1:Well, she'll tell me why she's crying. You're not letting me do what I want to do. Okay, right, okay, and but there's, there's not enough space for me to like, not that I would give in to the thing, but there's a cry before there's a chance to rectify it, and so I noticed that I have, I'm reactive, reactive to that, yeah, and so I've been working on just getting curious. Of course, I mirror her and let's review that for our clients.
Speaker 1:I know you really, really really want your iPad while you eat your dinner, and yet I really want us to have our meal together and talk. So we're going to put it down and we can have it later. But I can be as rational as I want, but still, you know, the frustration is still there for her. Her needs are not getting met, because her need.
Speaker 2:But her need may not be the iPad. Her want is the iPad. I like the differentiation and what she means is clarity and firmness and mirroring from you, and I want to come back. You said you are reactive and you asked for an exercise and nothing is popping in terms of an exercise except to say that my reactivity is a signal to me if I'm willing to look at it. To figure out what's going on for me. That's getting in the way of my being present for my partner, my kids, my grandkids yes, my great-grandkids.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:You have 10, right? I have 10 grandchildren, 10 grandchildren, six great-grands, Six great-grands.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so when I look at my reactivity, you know I get curious and I think is it because I just I want to make it better? I don't want her to cry. Because if you don't, If I don't, then maybe she will think I'm mean.
Speaker 2:And if she thinks you're mean.
Speaker 1:Then maybe she'll go away.
Speaker 2:And if she goes away, it would be devastating. It would be devastating to lose. Yes, yes, so noticing each level, what is it about that, and what is it about that, and what is it about that? And then is she really going to go away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah and that's what I meant by the exercise so beautifully done, marcia that if we can get curious, right, as I've just shared with all of you my vulnerability, I think it's so important that we just take these extra steps because the reaction could look like if I hadn't done a whole lot of work around this. Stop crying Cry about really shutting her down versus really looking at me and thinking about. This is my issue. Really, it's something that I'm the adult in the room.
Speaker 2:So there's so many stories that are popping into my head and I don't want to go off on a tangent, but I do know that when children cry, if it triggers something in me was I not allowed to cry? Was I scolded for crying? What is it that it brings up in me? So my reactivity in relationship to children or my spouse, if I'm awake just enough, this is the balancing act. Reactivity, consciousness is that you cannot become a perfect parent. There's no such thing. What I can't, or a perfect partner, but what I can do is I can adjust the fulcrum a little so that I am less reactive and more conscious, conscious sooner Conscious of being reactive.
Speaker 2:Noticing what is this reactivity? Like you just did? Okay, I'm feeling agitated and my impulse is to say just stop it. And I had a personal issue with crying because of my own history and a granddaughter who cried a lot and I really had to work on it so that I wouldn't be the scolding rejecting grandparent because she would just fall apart in tears. Rejecting grandparent because she would just fall apart in tears. And what I learned? That? And there were some extraordinary experiences where, by being there and saying I hear you and making space for more I discovered what's really going on, because it's never about what it's about Right, it's never.
Speaker 1:It's like where the Titanic did not sink because of the tip of the iceberg right, it was what was right underneath and that's really what you're talking about with your parenting course is that we often talk about. You know, she wants her iPad at dinner and that becomes the issue when it's not the issue.
Speaker 2:The issue is we don't know. Maybe you can figure it out and maybe you can't. If you mirror and validate and hold to the firmness, or maybe offer options, you may get to what the real issue is or you may not. But what you can know is that it's not about the iPad.
Speaker 1:It's not about the iPad and it's not about me soothing myself and rupturing our relationship. You know that I can say no with love and firmness and, as you said, all for alternatives. I mean, this is all relative to how old people are. Right, we're not going to have a conversation with a 10-year-old, right? I mean, this is a little child, so we have to really know, developmentally too, where we are as parents, because I think that's really a tricky spot for a lot of moms and dads. If I had any advice for parents is don't underestimate these little people.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I think Brene Brown addresses that so magnificently that they're just incredible creatures born for hard stuff. They're just incredible creatures born for hard stuff for dealing with life and resilience and keeping that and bringing benefit of the doubt and curiosity. Those are the two things, and that is absolutely true when I work with couples Benefit of the doubt and curiosity about both you and me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when you say benefit of the doubt, does Brene Brown call it the? Is it the gracious assumption? But that that idea that you're not trying to do this to hurt me, you're just. You're just acting out because this is a husband's wives, children, teenagers. You're acting out because there's an unmet need there, we and you're sorry. Go ahead, marcy, you're doing your job, you're doing your job, you're doing your job and it's my job with you to help. You know mine for the gold in the conflict, right, it's looking for that together and knowing, especially as the adult. You know how do I stay the adult with my child? I think a lot of parenting books talk a lot about you know, one, two, three magic or this or that, but I have personally never found any of those books, while the suggestions might be good and some good strategies can be found. That really what your course is about, marcia is so much more.
Speaker 2:It is, and it starts March 10th, on Mondays, for eight weeks, from Eastern time, three to five, three to five.
Speaker 1:Now what if you're at work? Can you still? I mean, can you take the course and watch the recordings, or do you have to be present? I don't, I didn't know.
Speaker 2:So much better to be present. There's no have to about it. No, I didn't know so much better to be present. There's no have to about it. There is a loss in watching the recording when you are not participating, yes, interacting yes.
Speaker 2:Having the breakouts and exercises. So if there's any way to break that time away from work so you can actually be present, yes, it is so much better. A lot of people are tending toward thinking that if they record, they've watched the recording, they've got the same experience and it isn't, it's worthwhile, it's not the same.
Speaker 1:No, no, and I have taken the course and assisted with you and I can attest to what you're saying. It is so powerful, I think it's like doing the couples workshop, you know. So powerful, I think it's like doing the couples workshop, you know, I mean the couples workshop many say is worth six months of therapy, even though it's not therapy. It's therapeutic, yes, and what you learn about yourself is so powerful that it changed me. It changed the way I see relationships and the world. Yeah, it changed the way I see relationships and the world. And the same thing in the parenting class is like you're forever changed. So it's not like a book that you have to look up in the index. I remember reading how to Talk so Kids Will Listen, so Listen and Listen, so Kids.
Speaker 2:It's a good book, a great book, love it.
Speaker 1:However, I don't know that it changed me. It wasn't transformational. It gave me great strategies. Yeah, it was very effective. So the thing that I would just say about taking your course is that maybe people say, oh my gosh, a couple hours for eight weeks. I just think about the amount of time that parents spend on the phone without taking their kids to therapy or doing all these other things that perhaps this investment of is it two hours or three hours? Two hours, 16 hours of your life dedicate to becoming a better parent and happier parent, because it's so much easier to have these resources and understand than to just try to wing it, and it's meaningful even if you're not a parent.
Speaker 2:We've had people who have never been parents, that are godparents or teachers or counselors or simply interested in understanding the dynamic in themselves of having been a child, and it's worth so. It's not only parents.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's interesting that you bring that up, because there was a woman in your class the last time that I was in a training with you and she was lovely, but, boy, she got so much from it because she didn't have children, she wasn't a teacher. I don't know what she did for a living, but boy, she was learning so much about who she was because of the parents she had, and very emotional I mean she was really. It was powerful to watch her changes throughout the eight weeks. So it is for everyone and that's a really good point to make and educators too, yeah, and men, haters too, yeah, and men, and men and men, yeah, and so you know I love the idea.
Speaker 2:Have you ever brought this to the schools, marcia? I attempted to early on. I haven't had the energy and time to do what it would require. They did it in Israel. They brought not so much the parenting work but the dialogue process, and they do. They dialogue in the Israeli classrooms. Kindergarten and first grade Teachers have been taught how to do that. That simple being ready to mirror, whether it's words or energetic or body language, that we listen in a way that is reflected with younger children and how as they age and they become teenagers, it becomes so much more challenging.
Speaker 1:And even with adult children, yeah, it can be. I'm having a part of a panel in a couple of weeks about a man who's written a book about the anxious generation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I look forward to that.
Speaker 1:And anxiety just seems to be a theme.
Speaker 2:It is, it's huge.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was watching with this wonderful, beautiful, smart grandchild of mine last night. We were watching Inside Out 2, where anxiety got introduced.
Speaker 2:That's an amazing film, by the way.
Speaker 1:So powerful, so powerful. I have not seen Inside Out 2, but if you are out there and you haven't seen it, whether you're a child or an adult or a teenager, it is not to be missed because it really helps us understand our core beliefs. So, even though Harper is only five, I was able to introduce to her you know what is a belief. Five, I was able to introduce to her you know what is a belief, To be able to use this educationally for our own children to talk about feelings and reactivity and how we need all the feelings and what are our core beliefs and how do they kind of shape how we think about things, this thing.
Speaker 1:I woke up and I had been up all night waiting to hear about the new baby and I said, told Harper that I had been doing that and I said you know, Harper, that's called anxiety, that we met last night. You know we met anxiety, and so she was able to go oh, so that, yeah, worry is like that and look, he's fine today and he's here on earth, but that's what anxiety looks like. So I think the conversations, too, with kids about their feelings and about ours are powerful.
Speaker 2:Giving them the language so they can talk about what they're experiencing. Yeah, and I've noticed that younger children are more frequently in position of language so they can say I'm feeling anxious and it's like oh, oh, because it gives them a vocabulary to express their experience and to identify and it helps enormously.
Speaker 1:I think many of the shows that kids watch today include the social, emotional skills that maybe Sesame Street had or some of the other programs had. But I mean, this time in our world seems to have more of a focus on that and I think that that has helped kids expand their vocabulary, their emotional vocabulary and if we go into what's happening with social media and so forth, it's a whole new other.
Speaker 2:We're not going to go there, but I wanted to. Coming back to the couple, yes, and the challenge of differentiation, which I think is also an issue with children If you're my child, it might feel like you're an extension of me, a representation of me. I might feel that way about my spouse and the healthy differentiation is something that when I first took my Imago training, it was all about connection and that is hugely significant and important and basic in our requirement as human beings. We need connection and important and basic in our requirement as human beings we need connection. What I didn't understand is how that you really are not in healthy connection if you're enmeshed and so differentiation, which for people who've been enmeshed, feels like distancing or abandonment. So it's tricky and yet that's the balance that I think has to happen is that I need to both recognize our connection and how important you are to me and how important I am to you, and also remember that two things that you're not me, I'm not you, and that I'm the only one I can change that's, could you?
Speaker 1:I want you to say that last part again, marcia.
Speaker 2:So you and I are two different people. You're you, I'm me, I'm not you, you're not me and I am the only one in this relationship that I have the power to change.
Speaker 1:And that goes back to that power piece that when people feel victimized, or there's nothing I can do, or I can't make him, I can't make her, I can't make her, you know, not want her iPad at the dinner table. How ridiculous, right, so important that the only ingredient that we have any, the only variable, the only thing that we can control, is our own reactivity, our own behavior and response. That differentiation meaning I'm different from you and that's not bad or good, it just is Healthy it is.
Speaker 2:It's healthy. It's healthy boundaries. Where do you stop and I start that that's important for children to experience from we as adults and our partners, and that doesn't mean we can't request change or invite change or limit, in the case of children, to create limits and structure and consequences, not because not the kind of consequences that are you're going to get this if you do that, but the natural consequences that life offers, that that's allowed to occur. That's you're you. I'm me. I have the power to change me. I can request a change, I can invite a change, and I have to remember that if I focus on you, have to change in order for me to be okay. I have just taken my power and handed it to you, yes, and disempowered me.
Speaker 1:And that is really the relationship blueprint. You can unlock your power if you're not willing to change, and that is really hard for people to accept. But when you know, marcy and I both are fortunate enough to be in a field where we get to watch people do that, it's really, you know, addictive, honestly, to see someone come into your office a couple or an individual and then watch them take their power back. And that doesn't mean making others feel small, it just means being able to look at myself and tap into that power. I was with someone yesterday who I think this person thinks they're sicker than they are, and we talked about the and this is true, I think, about children like this. This beautiful Michelangelo sculpture, metaphor of everything that you are, is so beautiful, just as you are, it's all inside you.
Speaker 1:But the older we are, we may have more to chip away at, to take away those messages that we receive from all kinds of places, not just our parents. I feel like often we always talk about the parent influence, like blame, the mom and dad, and it's never about blame, it's about really like getting insightful right, absolutely. But those messages I mean I've heard someone say I was in third grade doing times tables and every day before we'd go to recess the teacher would do a drill and you would only go out if you got it right. And she was the last person in the class every single time. And this person is a physician, so she's extremely bright, but she got tongue tied. It was three times three I can't think of the number right. The message was I'm not smart. And then the child viewpoint was that nobody wants to play with me because by the time she got out there they were already engaged.
Speaker 2:So one event, like one teacher at times tables had this ripple effect that really carried through most of her life influences and resources and damage points and teaching teachers and school and the playground and the neighborhood there and other members of the family and clergy, and on and on. Yes, all very important yes.
Speaker 1:And so I think you know when we're talking about parenting you and I, we love this subject. I feel like this open communication about my daughter has this wonderful thing. With the girls. She'll say what's your dinner time, what is your peach and what is your pit for the day, and you know being able to that's part of the routine share your peach and share your pit. And then we get to know and I think, just how is your day? Is so closing of the mind, right? But if you have one peach and one pit, or you know three positives and a wish but some of these things are, maybe our parents didn't help us learn how to do these things, so we just don't know how to talk to our kids except to say how was your day? And then when they say fine, we don't know where to go next.
Speaker 2:Right, that's such a good point. Children don't come with the instructions. They don't no bad manual, and really that's what I think Harville and Helen Hendricks and Helen LeKelley Hunt were working on creating manuals for guiding us as to how to do it in a healthier way, in a more constructive and purposeful way and I think they've accomplished that.
Speaker 1:A lot. They've accomplished that with your parenting program. It is transformational, and I know that you'll be offering it again and I know that I'm going to be offering the parenting course again. I'm thinking about starting it this fall because I feel like fall is a time, maybe, where people refresh and the kids are back to school, parents are back into their routine, and it'll be exciting for me to teach the course that you've taught me how to teach, so I'll be out that Well. Is there anything else that you want to share with our listeners today about this wonderful, miraculous, challenging, difficult job that many of us have taken on being a parent?
Speaker 2:I think the thing that flutters to the top I mean, I could go on for at least eight weeks I think being gentle with yourself and accepting imperfection as a basic rudiment of the human experience is that we're going to make mistakes and the important thing is to own them, make amends if that's what's called for, and to pay attention to the self-talk. You don't have to believe everything you think and that's Byron Katie's words and I love them. So you don't have to believe everything you think. So the things that go through your mind, if you notice them and say maybe not, you don't have to believe everything you think?
Speaker 1:Maybe not. You don't have to believe everything you think. I love Byron Katie's work. I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that that perfectionism sometimes keeps us from trying new things right, because it feels new and different and sometimes some of the things that we try like mirroring it went new to people. They feel like I'm just being a parrot or my child doesn't like it when I do that. Well, of course, if you're parroting, they won't like it. Who wants to be parroted? However, if you're really leaning in and saying, I heard you say that you really just want your iPad at dinner and that's really important. It makes sense that you want it. Of course it makes sense that you want your iPad, and it also is that I want to spend time with you and we're going to talk and then you can have iPad time Both and the both and the both and, and that, while we don't have to have a thing for every, a strategy for every interaction, but we can change the way we think about it, which will change everything the way we think about it, and then intervening on unfortunate reactive behaviors.
Speaker 2:I know for me a particular event that I remember immediately saying to my grandson who wanted to turn on the sprinklers and play in the sprinklers and it was too cold, and I immediately, you know, I sort of shot it down because it was, I thought I was being pleasant and nice about it, but I wasn't going to allow it, and he just collapsed and I immediately, you know, I sort of shot it down because I thought I was being pleasant and nice about it, but I wasn't going to allow it, and he just collapsed. And I remember thinking if I had only said first, you want to play on the sprinklers, and I make sense, because you remember having so much fun doing that, and you know what, sweetheart, it's really too cold for that sweetheart, it's really too cold for that, if I could have carried him from where he was with this fantasy of playing in the sprinklers to where it is that it's too cold without. Just because children identify their ideas with their being. So that has stayed with me, lo, these many years.
Speaker 1:Children identify their feelings with their being.
Speaker 2:I am how I feel and I am what I want, and if you don't see it, honor it. You're dishonoring me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm thinking that adults do the same thing. You know, if I feel like you should go to my mother's for Thanksgiving and you don't, then you know. There's all kinds of stories.
Speaker 2:You don't love me, you don't honor me, If you, then if you loved me, then, if you love me. That's the fantasy, it's the fantasy, and you do love me and you don't want to do this Both end.
Speaker 1:It is the both end and you don't want to do this Both end. It is the both end and it is the thinking that through that, we can allow our thoughts and our feelings to be different from others and not crucify the other or demonize them, and still stay in connection when we do have these differences, which is really the key to all of these closer connections that we really want, because, gosh, repairing them after we damage them is so exhausting, isn't it?
Speaker 2:And it's important and it's inevitable. It's important and inevitable. Yeah, I think. Repair, certainly we want to avoid the falling into the pit. If we can, yes, and we will, we will. Inevitably, at times, we're going to screw up, and so then, an affirm and amends, an appropriate and energetic amends, is really important.
Speaker 1:And, I think, just really kind of clarifying the energetic amends for our listeners. Would you do that, because I think that's really a key piece of it. It's like not parroting mirroring is not parroting and an energetic amend is not just an. I'm sorry, can you talk about that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, if I'm going to make a genuine amend, it is first of all to make it clear, to make the effort to understand my impact. This is a huge component of relationships. For people who don't have a capacity to understand their impact, they really don't have a capacity to have a relationship.
Speaker 1:So wait a second. I need to stop you. If you don't have capacity to really understand your impact and care about it and care about how you impact others Really, have that self-awareness basically, Then you really can have a relationship. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You are seriously relationally challenged. Yeah, so yeah, understanding your impact and the amend needs to incorporate that understanding I realized that I raised my voice and I know how unpleasant that is for you and scary, and that was not appropriate and it was mine. I did it. You didn't make me do it, not your fault that I got upset. You made me mad. You can't make me feel anything. You can have impact and that's so to own what is mine, to recognize that I've had impact on you, to offer, yes, an apology, but informed apology and with that clarity. And if something you did is an issue that I want to talk to you about, we'll come back to it, but that is not an excuse or a reason for my behavior. Not an excuse or a reason for my behavior. So it's really standing up and taking responsibility for my behavior and its impact on you.
Speaker 1:It makes me think about the world that we're living in Marcia, that people aren't taking responsibility for their impact and how we, as parents and grandparents and ministers and friends we have this really awesome opportunity to model that, that I don't fall apart when I make an amend to you, that I can be strong, I can be in my power and make an amend to you. It comes from a place of my power. Because if I have that ability, as you said, to have insight and realize that I have this tremendous power all the time with my impact and that can either serve the relationship or not, then, coming from my power with that energetic amend, to say I am so sorry how that landed. I mean that wasn't my intention, but that doesn't mean it did not hurt and I am responsible.
Speaker 2:That is such great modeling for our children and sometimes adding, and if I could do it again, what I really wish I had remembered to do, I love that.
Speaker 1:And if I could do it again, what I wish I remembered I could do, yeah, I love that. Adding that other piece is really like saying boy, I'm going to think about this and the next time I have this opportunity right and I make a different choice, get a template in place.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, take a breath, take a moment, slow it down. One of the things that I believe is the most, one of the most important, valuable components of the impact of the mirroring process and the dialogue process is it slows things down Hugely important.
Speaker 1:And in an anxious world, you might feel like you're the only one doing that, and that's okay, right, because if you're listening to this podcast, my guess is that you really have every desire to want to do better and that, in the anxious world, it is a challenge to do that.
Speaker 1:What you just said is to take the breath and slow it down and then, once that happens and you play with it, go home and play with these ideas that Marcia and I are talking about. We don't do it perfectly, but we can play with it so that we can try new things on, so that we can do better and have these deeper connections that really are so important. There's that study from Harvard, the longitudinal study that really, what is it that creates happy people? You know, happy is a relative term, but at the end of this study, the thing that they found was meaningful relationships, that people that had meaningful relationships. It didn't matter if they were poor, it didn't matter if they were on, you know, that they had low income, it didn't matter where they lived, didn't matter how wealthy they were, what color they were.
Speaker 2:For sure, for sure. None of that matters.
Speaker 1:And it's research-based. It's not like Marcia and I making this stuff up. It is absolutely research-based. So your relationships have everything to do with your anxiety, your depression, your overall well-being, which also we could have another episode on how that then impacts our health. But we'll stop there for today. Is there anything else you want to tell our listeners today before we sign off?
Speaker 2:Well, what just bubbled up for me is that you can be right or you can be in a relationship, just remembering that, yeah, that when we get all busy trying to prove we're right, we lose the relationship thread. So just that I think it's delightful talking with you always.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I, you know we're both like just bing, bing, bing all these ideas, which is so fun, but I was listening to Esther Perel who was really mirroring what we've learned from Harville and Helen about you know, we've gone from you know IQ to EQ to emotional. You know intelligence personified, but now talking about really it's relational intelligence, that that is going to be what we teach our children that they thrive in this world. Because you can survive, you can teach your children to survive and that's not a bad skill. But thriving in the world is a different experience.
Speaker 1:So thank you again for being with me and sharing this special birthday with me today. I love, always love seeing your beautiful face and being able to hear all about your work that you just have so much energy and compassion and passion for. I'm really touched by that, because I often think, when there's these two adults in my office, if they could have had more of this kind of parenting that perhaps their relationship wouldn't be perfect, but it would be easier.
Speaker 2:It would be easier it would be perfect, but it would be easier. It would be easier.
Speaker 1:It would be easier and it can get easier, but again we go back to that quote that we've talked about today, that you are the only person who can make that change and the power is within you. So we're going to sign off today and thank Marcia for her brilliance and we look forward to your class, and if they forward to your class and if they're interested in signing up, they should go to her Amaga Relationships work and you will be able to find her course there and sign up. It is absolutely an investment that will pay dividends for a lifetime and I really highly encourage you to do that and we will see you next time on the Relationship Blueprint. If you liked what you heard today, please share it with a friend, please share it with a client, please just share with your family, because this is the most important job any of us will ever have is our impact on our children. They are our future. So thanks again for being here. Bye, everybody.
