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The Relationship Blueprint: Unlock Your Power of Connection
Colleen is a student of Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt who created the Imago Theory and have brought this work to over 50 countries around the world. She is profoundly influenced by this belief shared by Dr. Harville Hendrix. He said, "We are born in relationship, wounded in relationship and healed in relationship."
What are you struggling with today? Colleen believes that almost any problem we have began with a broken or unhealed relationship. The anxiety or deep sadness we feel often began with unresolved issues in our relationships with our parents, partner, family or friends. When we have unmet needs we are programed to get those needs met. When we don't get what we need we protest by protecting ourselves. this often looks like defensive, critical, demanding behaviors. these behaviors are most often ineffective. As a result we may develop unhealthy relationship with food, sex, gambling our or a substance.
Colleen invites world renown relationship specialists from all over the world to help her guests explore their own relationships and see their problems through a relational lens. She will help us explore how to create intimacy to deepen our connections. Her listeners will gain insights to create a more joyful life.
Colleen is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of South Carolina, a certified, Advanced Imago Clinical therapist, a clinical instructor for the Imago International Trading Institute while maintaining her clinical practice in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.
Thank you for joining Colleen today. Remember, don't let life happen to you. You can be the architect of your relationships. Join her next time on the Relationship Blueprint; Unlock Your Power of Connection.
Contact Colleen at colleen@hiltonheadislandcounseling.com for questions or to be a guest on the show!
The Relationship Blueprint: Unlock Your Power of Connection
The Invisible Load: Women, Relationships, and Emotional Labor with Andrea Dindinger
Therapist Andrea Dindinger reveals how the invisible mental and emotional labor in relationships can create disconnection and resentment when not acknowledged. She shares practical strategies for couples to identify, discuss, and redistribute this hidden workload.
• "Invisible work" includes mental load of remembering details, planning, and coordinating that often goes unnoticed but creates exhaustion
• The powerful phrase "I need you to think with me" invites partnership without criticism or blame
• Creating lists of contributions and sharing them with partners reveals surprising insights about relationship dynamics
• One partner often carries more emotional regulation responsibilities due to socialization and conditioning
• Approaching relationship challenges with curiosity rather than defensiveness transforms connection
• Breaking destructive relationship loops requires someone taking the leadership role
• The vulnerability of asking for help creates opportunities for deeper intimacy
For more resources including Andrea's course "The Loop Breaker," visit her website andreadindinger,com where you'll find tools to stop having the same fights repeatedly and transform your relationship patterns.
Thank you for joining me today on the Relationship Blueprint. Remember, don't let life happen to you. You can be the architect of your relationships. So join me next time on the Relationship Blueprint; Unlock Your Power of Connection.
Contact Colleen at colleen@hiltonheadislandcounseling.com for questions or to be a guest on the show!
Welcome back to the Relationship Blueprint, where we unlock your power of connection. And today we have a special guest from San Francisco. She has a practice there and her name is Andrea Dindinger.
Speaker 2:Okay, it's Andrea Dindinger.
Speaker 1:Dindinger. Okay, I'll get it eventually everybody. So she's going to pull back the curtain on something that so many of us women know all too well, and that's about carrying the emotional needs of their partners while also doing a lot of invisible work that keeps relationships running, and we're going to explore how this hidden labor impacts our intimacy, our connection and even our sense of self, and what can happen when we start to share the load. So get ready for this conversation. We might just change the way you see your relationship and how it might work in your life. So, without further ado, welcome Andrea. I'm so happy to meet you today.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here with you. I'm so happy to meet you today.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here with you. This is awesome, it's the gift of Zoom you know, I know the gift of technology and technology to be able to connect with each other and share what we both feel so passionate about. Is there anything about the introduction? Would you like to add anything else about you that I may not have included?
Speaker 2:I think just that. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist that has been in practice for over 20 years, specializing in couples. Something maybe even a little bit more. You know, they are true. Couples are my passion. I have been doing this. I like to say that I was born a therapist. I remember being like a kid and sitting at the kitchen table with my grandparents like navigating a couples therapy session between them.
Speaker 2:So, you know I love that story. I know it's crazy, so I feel like I've always been doing this, but I really been specializing it for the last 20 plus years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I love when I, my couples, come in and they both really believe that they're there to help change the other person and if we can do that with them, everything will be great. We got together and we are one, but, however, I really am the one. So I think this is such a common theme in humanity, right, we see it in all different cultures and watch people struggle and hopefully we can help them find an easier, softer way to do this thing called couplehood.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, one of my favorite favorite parts of this job is seeing how each member of the couple begins to grow, especially the men. Like how we're talking about the emotional load. Some of the men in my couples I just see them really with some safety being able to handle so much more of their own emotional content, more of their partner's emotional content, being able to regulate themselves. I literally get goosebumps.
Speaker 1:It never gets old. I was just Harville Hendricks, who is the founder of Imago Theory. He was doing a workshop at Kripalu, which is in Western Mass in the Berkshires, and I had to go see him. I had to see him live and how he has re-envisioned our couples workshops, and what an experience. He's almost 90 years old and when I tell you he held this room of couples who came in, some not connected, some very connected, but one deep and deepening, some on the verge of leaving, and watching them transform from Friday night to Sunday, it's just that magic you're talking about. It's so powerful that within them they have this power to heal. So we have this blueprint we're going to talk about today. So when you talk about invisible work in relationships I think that's a newer term Tell our listeners what you mean by that.
Speaker 2:Well, I think about invisible work, as remembering to get mayonnaise to you know, something as simple as that, but it is a. It is a piece of work and it's it's small, but it when there's all of these things that you are thinking about and caring about, that invisible work begins to add up. Oh, I need to sign Johnny up for soccer or I need to remember to return these items. It's not like the. In some ways it's not even actually the doing things, it's the things that are going on primarily first in your head, the things you're thinking about. Then it is going and getting the mayonnaise sitting down, and signing Johnny up, returning the clothes that didn't fit, and there's a million other things, and I think there's a lot of work that both parties do in the marriage that they don't see. Often I hear husbands say well, I am the primary breadwinner, and that's not the case as much as it used to be, but I'm the primary breadwinner and so that's their job, and oftentimes that's especially with stay-at-home moms. Well, that's their realm, that's their job and my job is to bring in the money. Absolutely true. Without both, the thing isn't going to work. However, I think what the primary wage earner misses out on is that they may be able to leave on Friday evening, but the other member of the party is working Friday evening, saturday, all through it. And it's a different kind of dynamic.
Speaker 2:Years and years ago I was just bogged down personally with all of the invisible labor I was doing and we were scheduling or planning a birthday party for one of my children and I said to my husband I'm like I just need you to sit down and think with me. And it was such a powerful moment that he just was like think with you. I'm like I need a second brain to help me organize all of these different things that we're planning, from you know, ordering tables, to all of these different things. And it was so powerful for him to hear all of the things that I was thinking about and it was so like, it was so loving for me to feel him say well, I'll call the rental company I've got, I'll make certain the gardener is here to clean up the backyard. The things that he said I'm going to take over. Just by listening to all the things I was thinking about and For just a second, because that's so powerful, what you're saying.
Speaker 1:First of all, that mental space that all of that takes up is just amazing, and I think it's really interesting how you approached your husband though, because I didn't hear you criticize oh, I have to do so much and you never do this, and all the loads on me. There was no shame, no blame, no criticism. Can you help me think this through? No blame, no criticism. Can you help me think this through? I just want our listeners to think about how different that must have sounded to your husband, this invitation to help you, without the guilt trip, without the dig that's implied often when we ask for help.
Speaker 2:So I really appreciate that part of your story and I think that I need you to think with me. It's not I'm needing you to help me. Both parties need to be thinking right now. And it really felt powerful. No, I don't want to give myself too much credit, because I'm sure there was a lot more moaning and groaning previously, but in that moment, the stroke of insight was like I need another brain online with all of these things. And for women going through all of the different hormonal changes, from birth to breastfeeding, to weaning, to perimenopause there's just a lot of stuff that happens for a woman's brain that doesn't happen in the same way for a man, and so, again, it's having that support to have two people really thinking about summer camp, two people thinking about where we're going on vacation, what needs to be done for it. You feel loved.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So what you're really pointing to is that when you get really at least recognized, you're validated for all that you're doing. And just in that way, will you think with me on this, it breeds connection rather than disconnection and resentment. Because there's so much that I think women generally do, and maybe men too, where they really don't ask for validation but they somehow mysteriously want their partner to do that for them with like a mind reading activity and they don't get that the non-verbals of contempt and disconnection. And then the husband is like you know, let's, you know, go to the movies tonight or something, and there's this building resentment that's been going on throughout the day. That doesn't really. It's never explained or verbalized, but the husband may feel her felt sense of disconnection and she doesn't even know how to verbalize it.
Speaker 1:I know we're speaking very much in heterosexual terms and I think we're making good, fair generalizations, but they are that. I just want to put that out there, that these are generalizations. They don't apply to all men, they don't apply to all women, but we both work a great deal with couples and this is what happens with our heterosexual couples.
Speaker 2:It happens with same-sex couples as well. I mean, there is one person in every couple that is carrying more of the invisible labor, the emotional load, than the other.
Speaker 1:So what examples can you give in your life around this emotional workload, this invisible workload, that really show up all the time for you? Because, as you've said, this is something that's true about our heterosexual couples, our same-sex couples, and that really is in my world, called the Imago, that we have these differences for a reason, and until we can celebrate the difference and move in the way you did with asking for help, we can really have that disconnection and lack of intimacy. Tell us more about you. Have teenagers, 14 and 16. Tell us how this invisible labor might show up in parenting.
Speaker 2:I mean, it shows up all over the place, right, when they're a little like they're growing out of their clothes, right? So I have to go and order new clothes or go to the store. It's the things that get done that nobody sees. So just now, my daughter reached out when are you going to pick me up from cross country? And it's the idea in my head like okay, I have to pick her up, I have to pick him up, we have to go, like all of the things that we're thinking about, that's all invisible labor.
Speaker 1:Well, they need a snack.
Speaker 2:Well, they need a snack, Do they have a water bottle? Do they have sunscreen? Do they have their sweatshirt? What do they? You know what do they need and it's, you know it is a lot. And if people aren't working together on that but you know, you said something earlier about me asking for help and I think when we ask somebody to think with us, it's very vulnerable because on some level it's saying I don't got it all, I don't have all these balls handled, and I think it is hard for so many of us. We live in this society. That is perfectionism, perfectionism. I can do it all, and women have been given that message for a long time. But to actually say to somebody I need someone to help me with this, Even if you have a nanny right and you've got somebody who's taking care of your children, You're still having to navigate, taking care of what the nanny needs, making sure they're getting paid, All these little pieces that people don't really acknowledge so much.
Speaker 1:And Andrea, you bring up such an important point that not only is it vulnerable to think I don't have it all together, but what if you say no? What if? Because, based on our childhood needs, I know I'm a person who grew up I have to do everything myself. So when I ask, it's rare. And then if you can't do it, then it doesn't just feel like you're unavailable because you have to work that afternoon. It's more of a feeling of abandonment, like I really am all alone, Although in the moment on the surface it doesn't look that deep, but the vulnerability that you're talking about one way or the other is somewhat painful.
Speaker 1:And again, going back to understanding what's underneath, can you help me with? The birthday party is one thing on one level, party is one thing on one level and another level is really like, if you say yes, then even if you say yes, what's wrong with me that I can't pull all this together, like Instagram shows these moms and Pinterest? And if you say that you can't, I've risked asking for help when that's really not my intuitive sense.
Speaker 2:So that vulnerability is a really big part of this and I think the one thing that gets missed often for the person being asked is that they don't recognize that it's really truly a bid for connection. It's a way for you know, if I say hey, would you empty out the dishwasher, it's me saying like I'm here, you're there, I need help, instead of somebody feeling like I, you know another thing you're asking me to do, and really it's like I empty out that dishwasher when you ask me and I make you feel how much I love you. And I think that one little piece gets so often confused, like you just have always nagging me, always nagging me to do these things, because we do. But it's not actually that we're nagging. We're actually saying partner with me, show me that you love me by putting that glass in the dishwasher.
Speaker 1:So many women there from the love languages write as acts of service because of all this invisible load. That saying out loud, will you empty the dishwasher? May sound like nagging, but it also can feel very mothering, which also breaks that intimacy. When you have to ask your partner to do something. When they live in the same home and they ate off the same dishes, there can be that resentment going on too.
Speaker 2:So I'm hoping- and that's part of the invisible labor as well, right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, absolutely and I hope our listeners are making this connection that all of this is going on in my brain while all of this is going on in my partner's brain. And then what do we do with that? Because it's such a quick thing, will you help? And he says I'm taking the dog for a walk. Like in that space between what happened, was it connection or disconnection? So it's happening in our daily lives all the time, all day, all day, every day. I love that. So what emotions would you say?
Speaker 2:We've covered some of them, but what comes up, do you think, within women that you've worked with and within yourself that you feel comes up when we've got too much going on in my head to even actually connect with any lipidinal energy I have in my body, and so you know, it's easier for me to turn away, be on my phone doing all these other things that I need didn't get done today, again this invisible labor, buying the soccer cleats and then the partner feels that abandonment, that rejection, and then, well, why would I empty the dishwasher? And it becomes like this kind of an exchange of like well, if I do this for you, then you do this for me, and you miss out on the creativity of what it means just to be coming together in partnership and that's.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, Because it's the power struggle too that creates the lack of intimacy and it looks like it's about unloading the dishwasher and it's so much more, it's just so much more. And this mental ability to compartmentalize that some people not all men are able to do that, but it seems to be some people are much better at. You know, this is work, this is home, this is the time for the chores, whereas this invisible labor, if you're one of those people that takes that on in your relationship that is something you talked about in the very beginning of our podcast. It is 24-7, seven days a week, right, it doesn't leave us, and so that emotional exhaustion from that mental energy carries over to the bedroom and it's something that, if couples aren't really conscious of which I don't think they are often until they come into the office or maybe listening to our podcast today, that they're just, it's like the silent cancer in the relationship.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, it's there, silent cancer in the relationship. Yes, it's there, and we don't know how to talk about it. So let's talk about it. So how do you, when you're working with a couple and you sense that one is over-functioning that's the psychological term we use and someone else might be under-functioning in the relationship. What do you do with that couple? How do you get them started?
Speaker 2:Well, I think the first place you have to do is acknowledge what both people are doing, and my husband and I did this thing that I give my couples all the time is just write down everything that you're doing for the family, for each other, for the family, and when people start really paying attention to all of the things they do, it shines a light. And then what I want you to do is exchange your list with the other person so your partner can see what you're doing, what you're doing, and you can see what they're doing. And then I want you to give it a plus, a minus or a neutral sign, and so when you're doing that, you get a sense of like oh, this is an example. So on my list was I get up in the middle of the night to take care of our I can't remember how old she was nine month old and then I'm exhausted, but it was this thing that I was doing.
Speaker 2:And so he gave that a negative and I was like that's a negative, I'm doing this for our family, for her, for us, and he's like it's a negative because it makes me feel like you don't trust me, that then I don't trust myself to soothe her. And then, and worst off, I see how exhausted you are, and when you're exhausted you're in a terrible mood and I don't want you that way. So actually, you doing this thing is a real negative for me. How painful is that? Right Mind blowing. It blew my mind, it was insane.
Speaker 2:And so there became an opportunity to do some creative work, and so we came up with, like this is the days he's going to get up, these are the days I'm going to get up, and it shifted everything Eventually. She slept, thank God, but it felt like I felt really seen for what I was giving and where there was resentment growing on my end for his under-functioning. It wasn't actually true, it was under-functioning. It was that you know the way I was over-functioning was leaving so little room for him to you know, make an input.
Speaker 2:Make you know the way I was over-functioning, was leaving so little room for him to you know. Make an input. Make you know. Make a change. Support, do something in there.
Speaker 1:With your daughter, like the. It's so interesting because all of us that have gone up in the middle of the night with a baby would say, oh, that's a plus. There's no other way you could look at that other than a plus. But your example is so wonderful because here he may have been deferring to you as the mom, but really secretly inside, having this wish, this longing to have a chance to soothe her himself, and it would shake his confidence if you don't get that opportunity. So what a great exercise. I really, really love that. My husband and I did something similar to that and it was very helpful for him to then see what that invisible work really was, because he does a lot, he is very helpful, but I don't think he had any awareness of the other things that were going on. So I love that exercise, anything else that you do to help couples cross that bridge of understanding with each other.
Speaker 2:I think people, when they come into therapy, they recognize something's not going well here, having the same fight, something's happening and we're not connecting, we're not having sex. They don't like me, I don't like me, I don't like them, all of that. So then it does feel to me like when people come into therapy they're acknowledging like being really vulnerable. I need help, I need support, and so I think once people recognize that, then they're able to sit down and make their list and do this kind of homework and really see the other person.
Speaker 2:Now you brought up the emotional load that women carry, and that's a huge piece of this invisible labor. So I'm always like in a bunch of my reels. I'm talking to people around how to empathize and support somebody who's basically throwing a tantrum, how you can, instead of getting defensive and keeping the fire going, actually cool it down. Every single time I talk about this, the women say why do I have to be the one to do this? Why does it always fall on me to help them regulate, help them soothe? And it's such a great question and it's an important question for people to be thinking about.
Speaker 1:I think it's important, but I think it's also important for women to acknowledge and I'm saying women again but if you're the partner who's carrying that emotional load and you're feeling burdened by the fact that now you're asked to be doing one more thing, I think the science says that we are co-regulating all the time anyway. So your resistance to helping your partner co-regulate is not regulating you and not regulating them. So you can stay in that or you have choices. Everybody has a choice but the vulnerability again to say, wow, I really love this person and I see that they need help here and I don't want to take all their stuff on. However, I want to do this.
Speaker 1:Together is a decision, and I'm more and more after being with Harville last weekend. I'm so excited about the lecture that he is doing presently on real love, about such a decision that really is in a relationship, and some people wait a long time to make that decision and they're much older. They're really old because they've tried every other way and exhausted the opportunities, and yet it can be made at any time to really decide. This is the person I've chosen to go through life with. Isn't he or she worth helping them with this? Why should I have to be that one? Tell me more about what you do then.
Speaker 2:I say somebody has to take the leadership role, somebody has to be the leader, and if no one's a leader, it's just going to be a big old mess. So somebody has to take the leadership role and if you recognize that this is the pattern, you're already a step above the other person in terms of seeing things. So you've got more awareness and, frankly, probably more skills. So, while it is, yes, another invisible piece of work you're having to do and it's a huge piece of invisible work the benefits that you receive personally are so enormous they far outweigh the effort over time. The benefits build up over time and your partner benefits. So then, the more you take this leadership role, you help them regulate, they start maturing emotionally. The less you're having to do, the more everybody is benefiting. But somebody has to decide to take that leadership role.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I think that we have to also be fair, that in our culture there are many messages that men have received and women about don't cry, don't show your emotions. That's why often men will stay in superficial topics like politics and golf and things, and do they really have the outlet that women have as far as sharing our frustrations, our experiences, where typically we have a couple of girlfriends to be very vulnerable with, even if you don't have therapy, we have these other resources where we share things of depth with others, and men have been socialized not to do that, and that's when I think it falls on the other partner to sort of carry all of their emotional baggage 100%, 100%.
Speaker 2:That's where it feels like each generation is getting more awake to that socialization right, but it's still being practiced. It's even almost being reinforced a little bit, but it doesn't work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's where I believe that if you're the partner carrying that load, you need to really make some space, because all their lives they're told not to feel, not to feel. Then they get married. I want you to feel, and what a big shift that is for partners to suddenly say is it safe to do that? Do I know?
Speaker 2:Or they're given the message you're not being good, or stop these tantrums, or you're going to cry, I'm going to give you something to cry about, right? All of those messages lead to putting on that shell, putting on that exterior like I'm fine, I don't feel anything. But what we often see is that's where the big explosion of anger, of frustration, or running late or missing a flight, that's where it's like and that's where the wife often is, like you know, walking on eggshells trying to keep this explosion under control, and where we can, you know, or get mad at them for exploding, which is normal, right, because your nervous system gets hijacked while theirs is being hijacked. And what I try and help people recognize is when you see somebody else having this tantrum, whether it's a child, your husband, your wife if you can see that this person is actually really, really suffering and that it has nothing to do with you and that they're actually doing the very best that they can in this moment it may suck, but they're actually doing the best that they can. They need somebody to come and love them and show them that they are lovable, that they are loved, that they are safe and that they're in partnership.
Speaker 2:And when we can do that for each other. It begins to shift. People start maturing. I think that's what therapy does actually. It helps people really emotionally grow up and mature.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so in our work we talk about the romantic love stage and the power struggle, that these are things that happen to relationships, but really real love is the decision that you're talking about, the maturity when you see your partner activated. And I love this example. My husband and I were having a I don't know, just a passing by conversation, and I said did you pay the electric bill? And he had a visceral response right, it was't know, just a passing by conversation. And I said did you pay the electric bill? And he had a visceral response right, it was, of course I pay the electric bill, do you not trust me? And that reaction, because of the work that I've been able to do, was like I got curious instead of angry.
Speaker 1:Old me would have definitely been like I just asked a question what are you flipping out over? But I knew it wasn't about the bill being paid, it was something so much more. And I asked how did I hurt you? Because I'm not clear. And then it was his mother was coming through. He wasn't reacting to me, he was reacting to his mother, who was always critical. So what he was hearing was through that lens and not even my voice. And so when I could hear that he thought I didn't trust him, that I had, you know, doubted his responsibility and I, as perplexed as I, was right.
Speaker 1:It's the opportunity to say you know, well, from that point of view you really made sense. And how would I, how would I ask you the next time? That wouldn't hurt so much, because I really that wasn't my intention, but I can see how it landed. I think that's the big difference too. You can't say I didn't mean it that way, because then they're left with you didn't get me right. So when that happens in your relationship just as you've said so beautifully, andrea we have to really get curious about where this big reaction is coming from. Somebody's I use very technical terms somebody's got to put on their big boy or big girl panties and say look, who is going to be the adult right now, because this tantrum or this acting out behavior is coming from somewhere. Can we get curious about that and help our partner through it?
Speaker 2:And really by helping them through it, we're making our lives easier.
Speaker 1:It's the paradox of the whole thing that when we really give people the grace to be themselves and to make mistakes and to get angry, ironically that comes back tenfold connection. Well, is there anything that we haven't really talked about that you want to add before we close today? I mean, I think you've really addressed this big question, which was what are the steps to start naming and distributing the invisible work? Your exercise is a beautiful one. Any caveats for people that aren't with a therapist doing this and they're doing this at home on their own. They hear this today. They're all excited let's go do this thing. What are your caveats? To say okay, let's be aware of these things.
Speaker 2:I think the thing is is to recognize everything as a practice. You're always practicing. There's never perfection. It's always a practice. So you try it. You exchange lists. It doesn't go as well. It's always a practice, so you try it. You exchange lists. It doesn't go as well, it's okay, we can try it again.
Speaker 2:I'm coming out with this short little mini course in the middle of the month called the Loop Breaker, and it gives you some really hard, really amazing skills to break out of that relationship loop, that same fight that you have again and again, again, and I think there's a lot of resources out there that help give you that piece of education. But when you want to dive right in and you want to ask somebody to think with you and they say no or they don't have time, that's going to feel super, super betraying and abandoning, and so to remember then back to what we said, like, okay, that person said no, but that's not about what I asked, that's not about me, that's about something that's going on for them. And if I can be the leader, if I can be curious about what happened when I asked them to think with me, just from this place of like, who is this exotic animal in my presence and they're super cool and I want to understand them. That begins to shift. They don't get in trouble for saying no.
Speaker 2:They don't get rejected for saying no to you. They get somebody who's like wow, what's going on? What's happening for you with that? When I ask that, that begins to shift it and it's the less we can be defensive, the more curious we can be and the more willing we are to be a leader. I think is the main parts of all of this. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I love your question. What was your question exactly? I want them to hear your question, your words.
Speaker 2:Hey, I need you to sit down and think with me.
Speaker 1:I need you to sit down and think with me. That is brilliant, andrea, because it's such the language of you. Know, I'm kind of struggling with something. I'm going to take responsibility for what I'm struggling with because you may be fine with things the way they are and we'd be vulnerable enough and be with me enough to just think with me and inviting your partner on the front end to this conversation just saying you know, I'm just trying to troubleshoot something because I really want connection with you and I think also this could start with an appreciation. Like when we use dialogue in a vaga, we always start with a centering, an appreciation, and then the person's much more willing to hear the rest of the story, because you're setting the stage for success.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and even if you don't do it as intentionally as that, if you just say, hey, I need you to sit down and think with me, and they sit down and you just go like I really appreciate you sitting here with me. Yes, beautiful, something so simple, where you don't have to have it be this big heavy duty thing, but something that is just simple, like I need you to think with me. And so often people are like, well, why are we having these parties anyway? Right, like why should we have you get so stressed, like we shouldn't even do this? And it's like no, we want to do this, we just need some partnership in it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so much around. Safety is what you're describing, whether you do it in a structure or you have a conversation, but your voice sounded safe. You're creating a safe space. Thank you for being with me, sitting with me to talk about this. All of that sets the tone for how this whole thing turns out, this exercise that Andrea has introduced to us today. So I want you to talk more about your course, because I bet a lot of people would be interested in breaking the loop. Is that what?
Speaker 2:it is the loop breaker.
Speaker 1:Loop breaker.
Speaker 2:All right, tell us more. It's a really short course that gives you five simple tools to stop having those same fights again and again and again, and it walks you kind of step by step, gives you these different scripts you can use. Obviously, the scripts have to come from inside of you with your own heart, but they're so helpful because we all have that same fight, everybody. If you think about it, you know the fight you and your husband always have. I know the fight my husband and I always have. You know the fight your parents always had right, and it's this idea that it's so draining emotionally.
Speaker 1:It's so draining and it's often just really tied like it's an unmet childhood or a need or a childhood challenge then connects with this adult frustration with your partner. So if you can kind of get that underlying piece and share that with one another, it kind of explains a lot about the loop you're talking about and helps us see it like not as taking it so personally and more of a wow.
Speaker 2:so that's why you react that way. Right, and it's interesting with the loop breaker, what I help people identify is that you can't stop the loop from happening right, like it's going to happen Absolutely. Somebody is going to do something and it's going to happen Absolutely. Somebody's going to do something and it's going to trigger that old childhood woman right, immediate, and so what I give it's really tailored towards women a bit more, but men can use it as well to get this idea of like when the loop happens. Here are five things I can do in the moment to change that dynamic in a really significant way, and you know the Mel Robbins book, the let them theory and I think about the loop breaker is the let me theory around. Let me break the loop, let me do it differently. I cannot control what you say, do how you react, respond, but I can sometimes change and respond in the way that is going to move the dynamics in this relationship massively.
Speaker 1:You just blew my mind. There's this let them, which I think is relevant and important in many relationships. However, let me seems so much more powerful as far as an intimate partnership. Let me help you, let me see how I can support you, Let me see how we can do this together. It's so connecting and I really love that. Where can they get information about your course? I will add this to my notes for our listeners, but just if you could say it out loud like how would they register for your course? Where do they go?
Speaker 2:If they want to find out more about my course, they should just go to my website at and air be with Andrea dot love. They will find a link in there to buy the course. I think it's like $17, something super affordable. Yeah, yeah, I just want people to have these tools that kind of revolutionary, you know, like they just change. They just change the day to day so much and I just I want more people to have that. It benefits the world.
Speaker 1:When the world is so divisive everywhere you know, staying connected to your partner and your children and your loved ones is so much more important. It's too much regulation. We need to have that safe place to fall called our home. Really have given us a beautiful blueprint for how people can unlock the power of connection with one another, and this five-step class really sounds like something people could sign up for and begin to practice at home, even without a therapist. Of course, a therapist always makes everything a little easier, but not everyone can always access therapy, so I so appreciate you being with us. Is there anything you want to say before we close?
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, Coco. This has been amazing. It's been so fun to meet you. I really appreciate it. I love the way our brains work together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was like the synergy of it is so fun and for someone I mean, when I read a lot about what you do and what you could talk to us about, I thought, are you sure you're not a mogo train? Because you sure think like us. So I really just love all of what you've shared today and hope that you'll come back on the show. You have a beautiful energy about you and such a big heart, and that's really what we want for our couples is to know that this thing called relationship is not easy and that there are tools and understandings that we can build and then we can navigate that blueprint and have really more intimate, more satisfying relationships without changing our partner.
Speaker 2:Right, right. I mean there are partners will change as we change. That's the biggest. That's the biggest. My husband says God, you're infecting me, I'm becoming more like you and I'm like.
Speaker 1:I know, I know, and my husband has become an Imago facilitator, which is the non-clinical track, because he had an insight early on. He said you know, this all makes so much sense and we're living this work. But the second relationship where we spend the most time is our work relationships, not our children. He's taken it into the workplace and so he's become a facilitator internationally and working with businesses and coaching them on how do you really communicate so that you're really hearing and listening, seeing valued, heard. So it's really been a fun baby for us to share now that we're older and have grandchildren, and this sharing of our passion has really been a fun way to be connected and what a gift he's giving to these companies and to employees.
Speaker 2:I mean that workplace stress. You bring that home into your family and it's pretty intense, and it's intense right now with so many layoffs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the world seems to have a lot of energy that feels negative, but I'm also really hoping that it is. Sometimes things have to dissolve before they can be resolved and I think that those of us who explore that way of thinking need to be part of the positive energy moving forward, because there is something waiting to be born in the middle of all this mess.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. Yeah, we are in a state of transformation, for sure.
Speaker 1:Well, I want to thank you, andrea, and I want to thank our listeners for being with us today and hearing Andrea's beautiful work on how she sees the invisible work problem, the emotional overload that many partners are carrying for their partner, and a way through a blueprint to get to the other side and along with her course, that sounds amazing. That will be in my notes. I really encourage you to sign up for Andrea's course. I'm very curious about those five steps. So we will see you next time on the Relationship Blueprint where we unlock your power of connection. And thank you for being with us today, in 380 cities now and 36 countries, I think. So our word is getting out there and that is what we want. We want people everywhere to experience the joy of the connection they had early on and how to reconnect with that time in a new and deeper way. Have a great day everybody. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much.
