How Alcohol Addiction Hijacks The Mind And How Recovery Starts

A lot of people hear stories about alcoholism and still think, “If it’s destroying your life, why not just stop?” We get it. That question makes perfect sense until you’re the one waking up more sober than you fell asleep and feeling your whole brain scream for the one thing you promised you wouldn’t touch again.

We’re joined by Suzanna, who shares what it’s like to have alcohol as your drug of choice when it’s everywhere, normalized, and easy to hide until it isn’t. She walks us through blacking out the first time she drank at 14, the college years where drinking felt like the default, and the breakup that helped trigger a spiral into 9 A.M. drinking. We talk about alcohol withdrawal, the fear of sobering up, and the relentless mental bargaining that keeps people trapped even after alcohol poisoning, job loss, and family intervention.

We also dig into recovery in a real-world way: why it can feel impossible to connect in therapy when the clinician doesn’t understand relapse from the inside, why AA and recovery community can matter, and how “nothing bad happened” after one controlled drink can be the worst setup for the next crash. Susanna opens up about repeated detox cycles and what finally changed on her sixth inpatient treatment stay, including a moment with a nurse she calls “Twilight” who looks at her labs and connects with her without shame.

If you love someone with substance use disorder, or you’re quietly wondering about your own drinking, this conversation offers clarity, language, and hope. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help more people find recovery stories like this one. What part of Susanna’s story did you recognize most?

Transcript

A Puppy Story Becomes A Lifeline

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Hi, everybody, and welcome back to the Relationship Blueprint where you unlock your power of connection. And we have been really having a series of our podcasts are all around recovery, recovery from sexual abuse, recovering from ourselves, from our childhood belief system that we no longer need. We're really today talking about something that's very close to my heart, which is recovery from drugs and alcohol. And I have someone with me that I respect greatly. Her story is powerful, and I admire her so much. It's unique to find a woman who is so dedicated to her recovery and helping others and being willing to share the story because the stigma is still out there about drugs and alcohol and uh Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step recovery programs, and I just love that she's willing to invite us into that world and help us understand her journey. So I would like to introduce Susanna and Hi. Hi. Thanks for being with us today. Of course. Yeah. So uh I met Susanna through her mom. I had uh adopted uh a dog from another breeder, and um that dog died within six days, a little puppy. She had a brain tumor, and I was devastated. And I wrote to about 30 different breeders telling my story, the whole story, which I won't get into right now, but it was painful. And I said, I just want a healthy dog. I want a healthy dog that I can train to be a therapy dog and uh to just have a sweet disposition. And so, of all the people, a lot of people wrote me back. They really did, and uh, they were very encouraging and said what happened was one in a million, but really, uh, your mom, Beth, was the one who wrote to me and spoke to my heart. She's a really good woman, and she FaceTimed with us, and we got to see uh other puppies that were there because our Tilly hadn't been born yet, and we saw her in her home with the beautiful puppies in their playpen, and I thought, yeah, this feels right, this feels right. So, our Matilda, whom we call Tilly, and who's being trained as a therapy dog right now, is uh the light of our lives. We just love her, and I'll never forget Beth and your mom's help with all of that, and so I'm forever grateful.

Why A Therapist In Recovery Helps

SPEAKER_00 2:58

So I believe that you confided in my mom that you were in recovery, and because my mom is a uh legendary oversharer, I'm sure she told you not only that I'm also in recovery, that I, but that I was also really struggling at the time, and I needed I needed some guidance in both the form of therapy, but also from someone who had struggled with substance abuse and who did understand the place I was at. And I'm surprised I remember this, but I do remember her telling me that she had met someone through the puppies, you obviously, who was a therapist locally, and I I remember being pretty more than pretty willing right off the bat to meet with you because I mean the place I I was at in my life was I was I was very tired of I was just over it. Everything I'd put myself through, the place I'd gotten myself to, I didn't know how to get out of it, but I knew that I was over it, and I was really willing to try anything. And so I'm sure I made it as difficult as possible to get in contact with me, and I'm sure I was a little bit flaky there in the beginning, but overall I remember really being excited to to talk to a mental health professional who understood because after being in and out of treatment centers, I had for the most part really only experienced therapy in a substance abuse recovery setting with therapists who were not in recovery. And that was it felt really frustrating. I mean, uh for obvious reasons, but it just I knew I needed to be in therapy, but also I could I was recognizing how it would be a lot more helpful if the person offering me the therapy had been there because is uh you can read all the textbooks in the world, but you I I could just always still pick up on that the one crucial thing that the experience that you have that they were lacking, which was that they just as much as they were educated on substance abuse, it's like they still couldn't understand why I just kept going back to it. Like they it it was almost like they were asking me why I kept going back to it in a way that was supposed to be framed as if they're helping me try to understand myself, but it very much felt like it was them trying to understand me. And I just knew that I it would be so much easier to connect with a therapist who knew that there is no, there is no why. There is no, I can't give you a good answer for why I keep going back because it's because it's fun. Like, no, it's not fucking do I look like I'm having fun? It's not fun, I'm not, it's not having a good time, it's not a party, it's not anything other than a mental illness. And it just as helpful as AA and NA and other recovery groups were, and as helpful as it was being in group settings with other people in recovery when it came because one-on-one therapy is something I've worked in or been involved with since I was, I believe, five years old for mostly family-related issues. And then when substance abuse became my biggest issue, it just kind of felt like there was this disconnect between me and my therapists in a way there never had been before. And so finding a therapist who had been there specifically with my same drug of choice, one that's so normalized and so popular, and especially for someone my age, it was really encouraging. And definitely right off the bat, I felt like it was going to be much more helpful to me than trying to get help from someone who was simultaneously trying to understand my choices that I didn't even understand.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

Yeah. And it didn't feel much like your job to understand them or to convince them of what was really going on when you couldn't explain it in words. You, as you said, you were sick and suffering and you were over it, but you couldn't find a way to stay sober. And that pain is something that people don't understand, the shame involved, the the um disappointment, the the feeling of hurting your family and the friends that you love. Like there's there's no other experience quite like that. And you were absolutely willing, but our story together has been lots of twists and turns in your sobriety. It wasn't like a straight line. Could you help our listeners understand your story? Every story is unique, and yet we're all the same, we're all struggling with this idea of how do I stay sober? It's the only coping skill I have, at least for me. I couldn't imagine living life without my coping skill. I wanted to manage it, I wanted to drink less, but I didn't really want to give it up. And that was the push-pull for me. So I want to hear about your story.

First Drink To First Blackout

SPEAKER_00 8:44

So when I when I tell my story to people who are early in recovery, I kind of highlight the the ways I feel like I'm similar to the classic addict who's entering recovery for the first time, and then I highlight the ways where it was kind of different. And like I mentioned earlier, it it's it's a much different experience having your drug of choice be something that is everywhere. It's not like I by chance stumbled upon alcohol. I went to college in Charleston, South Carolina, and it, you know, I can't, I struggle to think of a single person I was friends with there who wasn't actively drinking on a weekly basis, if not more often. And so I going back to when I was 14 years old when I drank for the first time, well, I remember the first part of the night so clearly, and that was that my friend and I were having a sleepover, and we were going to each take a beer from my parent. Um, there was enough in the fridge where it seemed like us each taking one wouldn't be very noticeable, and that was our plan for the night. And all I remember after that is she drank her beer, she went to bed, I drank my beer, and then raided the liquor cabinet and blacked out. So right off the bat, um I made it pretty obvious that I wasn't gonna be very normal about using substances. And of course, for a really long time, I kind of chalked that up to the fact that I was 14 years old. 14-year-olds don't know how to drink, 14-year-olds don't know what their limit is, especially if it's their first time drinking. And that was my excuse for a long time. And obviously, knowing everything that I know now, I look back and it's kind of I've it's kind of the opposite. Now that was not at all normal. Yes, it's true. 14-year-olds don't know their limit. They don't know how to proper properly drink. But now that I now that I know what I know, and now that I've seen everything that's happened in my life because of alcohol, it's much more obvious that that was never gonna be uh I could have been 40 years old when I decided to drink that first beer, and it would have most likely turned out the same way. And so my moving on to when I turned 21 and alcohol became a regular part of my life. It was never from the get-go, it was never normal. Every time I drank, I drank to blackout. That was just a given. Um and then I remember, and I'm sure it's partially kind of a I don't want to say falsified memory because I know it happened, but I'm sure I've kind of put pieces together that I don't truly remember clearly. But when I was 22 years old, I had my life, it felt at the time a lot worse than it actually was. I had broken my arm and I was out of work from a job that I loved. I was not doing well at school, and I had gone through a really traumatic breakup the day before. First of all, that's kind of a recipe for disaster with an addict being paid not to work, being paid to stay at home and have no accountability and regular income is I didn't know it at the time. But again, of course, looking back now, I realize how dangerous that was for me. And I remember the morning after that breakup, I was on the phone with my manager at work talking about when I was going to go back. And in that moment, it felt it, I truly felt like there was just no way I was going to be able to ever go in public ever again. I wasn't going to class. I had lost my person. And the idea of going back to work where everybody was so familiar with me and my ex, just I would have rather crawled in a hole and died. And I was in my backyard and I was violently hung over, and I kind of had this like I really don't want to call it a light bulb moment because that makes it sound like it was a good idea, but I don't know what else to call it. Where I just kind of realized like I don't have to be hung over, and I also don't have to be sober if I just never stop drinking. Like, who says I have to wait until like that's just some societal standard. I don't have to wait until the afternoon. I can just start drinking right now. And it was nine o'clock in the morning, and I went into the kitchen and got some beer, and I started drinking that morning, and I didn't stop for a little over a year. And I just needed I just needed a second to process what had happened, get my head screwed back on straight again, and then we could go back to normal drinking. What I was not taking into account for was that it was never there was no going back to normal drinking because it never had been normal drinking. It had been after five o'clock most of the time drinking, but still by no means was it normal drinking. And so my entire first month of treatment, that was my mindset was I'm gonna get things straightened out in my head, and then I'll like everyone else here is clearly really committed to the lifetime of sobriety thing. I'm here to sort out my thoughts and feelings and emotions so that when I leave here I can consume alcohol like a normal person, forgetting that I had never once in my entire life consumed alcohol like a normal person.

Breakup Trigger And 9 A.M. Drinking

SPEAKER_01 15:14

Um can I interrupt for just a second, Susanna? Because I think what I'm curious about as I'm hearing the chronology of your story is this breakup was the trauma that really kicked it off. Would that would that be accurate to say that although you started, you know, at 14, you didn't you didn't drink like every other 14-year-old might throw up and say, I'll never do that again until they're 18, and then they you know, but for you it was it was right then when you would drink to blackout, and then once you're in Charleston, all bets are off and you're uh full on. But the breakup, it sounds like that was pretty traumatic.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

It was.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

It um yeah, it was kind of one of those situations where I I had always thought I for a long time, I was with this person for four years, and I had kind of as someone with an anxious attachment style, had worried about the potential of a breakup for a long time, and I kind of thought, um, if I lost this person, it would be the worst thing that ever happened to me. And what I did not realize was that this person, not only was I going to lose her, but she was gonna make it so much worse than any. It wasn't just a it wasn't just her leaving me. She betrayed me in a pretty spectacular way. And so I think when I had for so long worried, like, what will I do if this person breaks up with me? And then not only did a breakup happen, but I found out things that I never could have imagined, my brain just kind of like shorted out in a way. Like I couldn't, I couldn't handle all of the information that came at me at once. And something that I do make very clear when I tell my story is I my my alcoholism that spiraled into 24-7, 365 drinking, that was going to happen, regardless of this person could have never existed in my life. This person and I could still be together today, but it was always going to turn into what it turned into because I have the alcoholic brain. Um, that series of events just happened to be what triggered my first round of what I consider active addiction.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Yeah. Well, and then you were talking about recovery and how you went into treatment, but your your mind was like, this will be a good time to reset. I'll be able to drink normally. I'll kind of get myself cleaned up. How did you end up in treatment the first time? How did what what got you there?

SPEAKER_00 18:00

So after that constant drinking started, my friends and family kind of one by one started figuring out um that something was seriously wrong. Um I believe my dad was the first one to pick up on the fact that he didn't know what was, he had no idea what was going on. I think he really hoped it wasn't drugs or alcohol, but he could sense that something was wrong. And then my friends would see not only see my behavior, but just see me physically in person. And I think because I was so once I realized myself that some that it was a problem, I was very careful to as much as possible, because we know we all know we never really truly hide it. That's not it's not unless you don't interact with a single human being ever, there is no hiding it. I did what I thought was a pretty good job of hiding it, but of course, one by one, people started figuring out that something was really wrong. And once my mom had had to take me to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, and I did my absolute best to convince her that it was a complete accident, that I had not that this was not a regular thing. We were on vacation, it I just things got out of control, and that I had I had no idea how it happened, and it was something that would never happen again. I I probably was like, I'll be much more careful with my drinking move. Like, I just I was so desperate to convince her that the because she kept bringing up the word rehab after that happened, and I was so so desperate to convince her that everything was fine because I knew I knew enough about recovery and AA and sobriety to know that the second I admitted that there was a problem, regardless of what I thought about myself, even though it was completely backwards, I knew that the second I admitted to anyone that there was a problem with alcohol, it was over. There would be no admitting I have a problem with alcohol and then ordering a drink out at dinner or going to a party or in any way being able to have alcohol in my life after that. So I literally I dug my claws into the fact that it did not matter who was confronting me, how hard they were confronting me, what evidence they had. I just knew that at the end of the day there was no way I could admit that there was a problem because there'd be no going back. You can't say I was kidding or I was wrong. Like it was, I was just I'm sure I looked hysterical. I can't think of a better word than hysterical, trying to convince her that this was a complete accident and that I did not have a problem with alcohol and that I did not need treatment and that this would never happen again. And so once she had that experience in the forefront of her mind, and she found out that I got fired from the job I had. So at the time it would have been six years, she found out I got fired from that job, and there was no convincing her that I was okay. Um, she drove to Charleston when she found that out, and she said you're calling your dad and you're telling him that you're going to rehab. And I'm sure for a few minutes I tried to be like, No, I'm not. And when your mother is sitting there. with the look on her face that I'm sure she had on. I don't even think that I could have continued to I I I knew it was over. I knew. Um yeah there was no there was no getting out of what I had gotten myself into. I had found out that alcohol withdrawal existed the hard way. I think that's kind of another classic event for addicts is finding out not only that physical dependency and withdrawal is a thing, but at some point trying to quit their substance and finding out the hard way that A it exists and B, they're going through it. And so I realized that I was going to have to either detox at the hospital or drink throughout the workday. And neither seemed like a good option but I knew that I was definitely not going to a hospital to detox. So I'd been drinking at work and I believe that my manager did me a favor by firing me and only mentioning the specific things I had messed up at work and not fired me by putting in my paperwork that I had been drinking. Because of course she knew of like there's just no there's no way she didn't but when she fired me she did keep it to the the very specifics of what I had done wrong and what I had messed up and what I had forgotten to do, which was a lot.

Denial Bargaining And Why We Cannot Stop

SPEAKER_01 23:39

You know Susanna when I think people that don't have addiction issues hear these stories that you and I have heard and experienced I think they think well if you God if you got fired from your job of six years and your mom's so worried about you like for them it's an logical conclusion that like why don't you just stop you have family that will take you to rehab you know what can you say to those people about what keeps us from what keeps us from accepting the help we so desperately need I remember that day that I got fired I I had caused a lot of problems during the last shift I ever worked and the day that I got fired um a guy I was dating at the time actually drove me to work and I was lucid enough to know how bad that last shift had been and I literally I was so so drunk that I thought it was funny that I was like um I need you to drive me to work and I also need you to just hang tight in the parking lot because I'm not going to be in there for very long.

SPEAKER_00 24:59

Like um I didn't bring my work bag I didn't bring any of my work stuff. I was like I need you to drive me to work to get fired. Because the least I could do after everything after how supportive my manager had been and after everything I had put her through the least I could do was let her fire me to my face instead of just texting her and being like I I know it's over sorry. Wow I guess. Well oh I had him drive me to work I had him wait in the parking lot and I went in and I got fired and I can laugh about this now because I am not this person anymore and I am not existing with this constant headspace anymore but I remember just really being ready to get out of there as fast as possible so I could go home and drink. I remember I hate to it's not funny at all but like I have to laugh I remember being so thrilled that I didn't have to work an eight hour shift that day that I got cut loose early because even though I was drinking at work I obviously was still not drinking the way I wanted to be I was drinking at work to maintain so that I didn't have a seizure in the Starbucks I was working in but I was not drinking the way I wanted to be drinking and I I laugh about it now because it's just it's so unbelievable that I was that far gone at a at a point in my life where I this job I'd once been so dedicated to I showed up to just ready to get being fired over with so I could go home and drink. And I think goes to show how like you were asking about like if you're losing your job and if your family's so worried why do you keep drinking and at that point it's because it really was all I knew. The worst feeling in the world to me at that time was starting to sober up. I always hated falling asleep because when I woke up I was significantly more sober than I was when I passed out and so at that time when I lost my job I my brain was so it was just entirely wired to be thinking about drinking all the time and if I lost my job because of drinking that just meant more time to drink. If my family was this worried about me drinking that meant I needed to hide it better. There was no there was no possible wake up call for me any potential roadblock that came up regarding my drinking I would reframe to if these friends are telling me they're going to cut me off if I don't stop drinking, then I'm just going to stop letting them know I drink. There was no oh my God this is a wake up call I'm going to stop drinking. It would be how am I going to drink differently to make these two things work at the same time if my mom says that me continuing to drink means my parents are going to send me to rehab then they just won't know that I'm then I just can't tell them I'm drinking. Not holy shit my family is trying to shit me off to rehab I should probably I should probably go if everyone thinks I need to go it was how am I going to change my behavior to quiet this situation and still be able to drink at the same time because I it felt like that it realistically hadn't even been that long but in my own head it felt like that that had been my reality for so long that I couldn't even comprehend changing.

SPEAKER_01 28:46

I think too I I don't know if this is true for you but I just when I as I'm hearing your story it's such a common theme when you when you're able to talk to other people that have suffered from addictions it's almost like you can't imagine what your life would look like without it so there's this protection of the disease you know that exactly what you said to like I don't know how I'll cope without it so instead of going to rehab I'll not spend time with family I'll hide it better I'll only drink on Fridays I'll only drink beer I'll only you know the only's and uh and what you're describing is so typical and that people say addicts are liars right but so Suzanne Susanna we were talking about you know this uh this complex disease where we are convinced ourselves that we don't have a disease the denial part is such a big part of the story because it's always like a bargaining like this'll be better this time and I won't do it today and I won't do it in front of my mom and I won't drink before I see dad or whatever whatever the the situation is it's like a complete mind uh I won't say the word but I think everyone can hear what I'm implying it is just in our heads and that's because the substance has control the person no longer has control so if you're wondering our listeners like why don't why don't you do this it doesn't make sense to me of course it doesn't make sense to you because you've never had this uh take over your brain however if you've ever ruminated if anybody out there listening has ever like had a breakup and you can't thinking about the fights you had and you can't really let it go and you can't fall asleep and you wake up thinking about it that's the best comparison that I can give to help people understand that you have it feels like you have no control over your own mind and people who say well just stop I I've I I challenge everybody out there when you're anxious and somebody says just stop there's it's gonna be fine what are you worried about it it's similar to that only on a much bigger scale because it really is by the time that it has control over a person they are too deep into it to have really rational thoughts there are moments of rational thoughts but it's really taken over and even if you're not uh I was not uh physically uh addicted but I was so psychologically addicted it was it it had me that's all I can say my mine was also triggered by a trauma the death of my grandmother so I had a late onset in life I was about 46 and uh not that I I drank normally I don't know I don't think so now but I think by a lot of people's standards those women out there who are saying oh I just have a few glasses of wine every night and then have one with dinner and then maybe have one after I think that we normalize drinking in a way that people don't realize and if you're curious look up go Google DSM5 and look up substance use disorder with alcohol and you might be surprised what you find out about yourself. But getting back to you Susanna so this you get out of the treatment after that first time and give us a feeling of what what's the chronology because now you're 21 and you've been in treatment once 22 I believe I was 22.

Relapse Loop ER Detox And Shame

SPEAKER_00 32:33

22 so then what happens after that because it kind of speeds up after that doesn't it I again this is nothing about this is truly funny I just when I look back on how out of whack my mindset was I just have to laugh I did know I had no intentions of staying sober but I did know that if I was going to let alcohol back into my life at all but especially in a public way I was gonna have to be chill about it. It was not going to look good if I got out of rehab and was drinking that same night I waited I made some good points during that time. I I was right about that I believe I waited about a week and then something you hear a lot in specifically AA that I now relate to so heavily is when people who were not one chip wonders who went out and came back a lot when they tried to reintroduce alcohol into their life they'll tell you what the circumstances were what the environment was how much they drank and then they'll say and then the worst thing happened which was nothing and I relate to that so much especially in regards to the first time I drank after the first round of treatment I it was October and I was dating someone at the time and we went to his friend's house and she had made I don't remember it was some sort of seasonal warm drink. I believe it was apple cider or something and she asked if I wanted whiskey in mine which obviously I did and so I said yes and I had maybe one or two apple ciders with like such a small amount of whiskey that like it was barely even noticeable and then nothing nothing bad happened. It was an episode of what I imagined normal drinking was I consumed alcohol I didn't get drunk I didn't leave that function and go buy alcohol and drink it by myself like I just someone gave me a small amount of alcohol and I drank it and then I went home and went to sleep and everything was fine. And so that was that was the absolute worst thing that ever could have happened because that month that I had spent trying to convince myself that I could drink normally and that I could have a regular relationship with alcohol was I was already dead set on believing that and then this one night happens and if it wasn't already solidified in my brain that I was going to make drinking work that completely did the trick. And so nothing happened it was fine and I was like all right my the last month I've spent plotting has been confirmed.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

Of course the very next day the drinking completely took off in the same way all over again I was back in treatment I believe three weeks later and when you say back in treatment you didn't like walk into treatment right it usually ended up where you were in the hospital detoxing is that correct I would what I would do and I did this I don't have an exact number but it was more times than I can count I would get so drunk that I would start panicking and I would want it to be over I would want to be out of the cycle I would start sobering up I would go to the ER because I was clearly both feeling and exhibiting signs of alcohol withdrawal and they would admit me for an alcohol detox and then the second I would become sober enough to really understand the gravity of what was happening I would leave.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

Well it was a two parter I would become sober enough to really understand what I had done and also I would be sober enough for them to let me leave because I did find out the hard way multiple times that they will not let you leave the hospital if you're over the legal limit. And so that was a hor a awful cycle I got into of relapsing panicking going to the hospital asking for help and then sobering up and realizing maybe I need help, maybe I don't I don't care I cannot feel this right now and leaving and going back to drinking. And when you say I can't feel this right now can you help our listeners understand what does this this feeling what does it look like sound like feel like more than anything the shame of having to tell the people around me that I can because most of the time nobody knew I had started drinking again um and I'm sure even if they had their suspicions they wouldn't have imagined that in such a short period of time it had gotten to the point it had gotten to I'm sure I didn't want to go back to treatment but knew that if I told anyone if I told my parents it would be back to treatment and if I told my friends they would tell my parents which that is something that I've been so grateful for since this started a few years ago is I don't think I I can't think of a single friend who would even hesitate for a second or who did hesitate for a second to call my parents. I don't think I I can't name a single friend right now who doesn't have either one or both of my parents' numbers and I think that's a blessing. I'm sure at the time it really pissed me off but I think that is such a blessing to be surrounded by so many people who care enough about you to call your parents who in most of their cases they've never met to get into my phone get their number and be willing to call and say she needs help again and she's not listening to me and you need to come. Yeah just the idea of when I'm in when I'm so intoxicated being able to get myself being able to make the decision to get myself to the hospital because when you're that intoxicated you can it's not that hard to make the decision to do anything. Everything sounds like a great idea. But then as the alcohol starts wearing off and you combine first of all the anxiety of realizing you have to tell everyone what's happened again with the physical anxiety that just naturally comes with alcohol wearing off and going through alcohol withdrawal it just felt impossible. It didn't matter how badly I knew I needed to go back to treatment. It didn't matter how rational one half of my brain could be about the situation the other half of my brain would just completely override it and be like we don't have to do that we'll do this tomorrow. We'll do this next week it doesn't matter when we do this but we're not doing it today.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

Exactly so that's so important for for people who are thinking about you know they know they have a problem you know I think that what Susanna just said is so important that if you're like okay well I will quit tomorrow I have to quit tomorrow but for tonight or today and I remember sharing with you at some point you know sometimes you don't get that next day right you know and that's the story I've also heard over and over again in the rooms is that uh you know we always think we have one more life in us and as you you had you had been to you've been to treatment five times is that fair I don't remember inpatient treatment six times six times and the body you know picks up right where it left off when we go back to it so it the disease is is still there even when we're we're not drinking and it's very powerful and that thought is that I keep um to my in my own mind and I what I love to do to remind people that are in recovery is you think you're gonna come back from it.

The Sixth Treatment Fear And Twilight

SPEAKER_00 41:07

You believe that you're gonna come back for it because you can't quit today you'll quit tomorrow just remember there's not always a tomorrow for people and you've had experience with that too right yeah so how why why did the sixth time work tell us about what it was about the last time that something happened what was the something that happened um I had made a series of really poor choices believe it or not leading up to that final trip to inpatient treatment my I don't some this is another part that I include pretty much every time I tell my story is that every single time I hit rock bottom or what I considered my rock bottom I truly didn't think I could go any lower whether that be financially with my friendships with my family members with my career with my education I would keep getting to a new rock bottom and think there is no way it could get any worse than this. And then treatment would happen sobriety would happen a relapse would happen and then I would find out that I most definitely could get to a worse place and after I arrived at my last treatment center I I had some time to sober up and reflect on the current state of my life and that was kind of hard to do considering I couldn't remember most of the few weeks leading up to that but I I knew the basic I knew the the summary I had been informed of like the the basics of what was going on in my life and it just I kind of had this moment where it clicked where I was sitting there thinking about what it had what everything meaning myself my life my everything had looked like the past five times I'd gotten to treatment and how every single time I thought that was the worst it could possibly get sitting there knowing what I knew about my life I kind of realized like I need to stop saying that it cannot get worse because it can get worse and I can either keep leaving here and keep showing myself how things can get worse or I can just I've got to something has got to change. I have to up until that point I had been rejecting every form of recovery once leaving treatment. I didn't want to go to meetings I didn't want to be involved in any sort of Community. I didn't want to listen to what anyone was telling me. I didn't want to leave the current home environment that I was in, that quite literally every single person who knew and loved me was telling me I needed to leave. I didn't, I wanted to do it my way. And I figured if fine, if you guys don't want me to drink, then I just won't drink, but I'm not doing any of this other shit. And then I got to that treatment center. It was October of 2024. And I was just more scared than I'd gone lower than I ever possibly had imagined. My original rock bottom from two years prior was looking pretty fucking good. And that scared me. It scared me that if I tested the waters again to see if there was an even deeper rock bottom, that I wouldn't survive it because I still to this day I'm not sure how I survived the bottoms before that one. And I just I felt deflated and defeated and scared and shameful in a way I never had before. I couldn't, I wasn't using any of the phone calls offered to me, which I think is in an odd way one of the most telling factors. Because every other time I'd got into treatment, regardless of what I was feeling or how ashamed I was, I all I wanted to do was talk to my parents. And this time I had gotten there and I had no desire to not because I didn't miss them, not because I didn't want to hear their voice, but because there was no way I could face what was on the other end of the phone. And that was I'm not sure why that ended up being the thing that got to me, but that was what ended up making me really sit there alone with my thoughts and consider that I was allowed to get back out and do this all over again. Nobody was gonna physically stop me, but there was a really, really, really good chance that I wasn't gonna survive it if I kept playing with fire because that's what I was doing every time I chose to drink.

SPEAKER_01 46:21

And so when you finally had this awareness and you, you know, as you said, you were not gonna drink anymore, but you weren't gonna go to any of those meetings and you weren't gonna leave your apartment and you, you know, all the things you mentioned, what changed that? Was it this awareness that came through you, or what was it that helped you then decide? Because you are you are doing the work now. So I'd love to hear and have our listeners hear about what changed things for you in that way.

SPEAKER_00 46:55

I think it really just all comes down to the fear. I was I've always my entire life been so stubborn. And even when I can admit, like, okay, maybe you're kind of right, I'll admit you're kind of right, but I'm still gonna figure the rest out for myself. And that's what I had been doing with my sobriety. And I was just so scared. Scared of scared in every possible way when I got to that last round of treatment. That I mean, I still didn't want to leave my house. I still didn't want to go to meetings. I'm not in any way implying that all of a sudden I just wanted to do all these things that I'd been told to do. I just leaving that house was definitely one of the hardest days of my life. I was attached to that. I didn't know you could be attached to a house the way I was. And I just was so full of every type of fear for my life, for my relationships, more than anything for my life, that I became just willing enough, not entirely willing, but just willing enough to consider the fact that as ridiculous as it sounds, I might not be the best person to be making the decisions. And so yeah, I just I really did just give in once and for all. I wasn't happy about it, I wasn't excited for this new recovery-centered chapter of my life. But another thing that I'm really grateful for that I will never forget is the fact after after the number of trips I took to this one specific treatment center, the staff there obviously knew me pretty well. And there is one nurse, he was the night nurse, and I called him Twilight because he looked like the guy from Twilight. And he was he's one of the funniest people I've ever interacted with, and I always loved when he was working because he everyone had a great time with him, but I had gone to the hospital before going to Bright Life that time, and he had he had a copy of my medical records and my blood work specifically from that trip to the hospital, and the first sober night I spent there, he um I went in to get my meds and he waited until everybody had cleared out of the room and he locked the door, and he sat down across from me, and he told me how scared he was from seeing my blood work and my labs and all my panels that the hospital had ran. I don't remember exactly what he said, and I wish I do, but he just basically said, You keep you keep coming in here, you look worse every time. And then while holding the records, just said, I don't know how you survived this. I don't know how you've survived any of this, but this especially what I'm holding right here, I don't understand how you're sitting here in front of me talking to me alive. And I give him a lot of credit for finally being one of the things that got through to me. And because, you know, I mean, at this point, you know, I'm an extremely cynical person. I would I I have a bad attitude when I'm not happy with myself and I'm extremely cynical, and I, you know, probably up until this point would have written off bright life nurses as or would have written off nurses at the treatment center as people who are just paid, just doing their job that they're paid to do. And something about his demeanor and the look in his eyes and the way he was speaking to me, he truly was so genuinely on one hand scared for me, and on the other hand, confused as to how I had just once again survived what I was putting my body through with alcohol. And that was part of what really got me to wake up and realize that just because I have survived these past incidents with alcohol does not mean I'm gonna continue to survive them. The next one could be the last one, and you wouldn't have believed it from seeing what I put my body through, but every part of me was afraid of dying. And I had, I believe, in a way, kind of had this reverse effect on myself, where instead of becoming more and more scared with every relapse, I was, whether or not it was consciously or subconsciously, beginning to feel more invincible. And I needed a wake-up call to realize that I was not every relapse was not making me stronger, which is what it it honestly kind of seems like, I believed. Every relapse was bringing me closer and closer to death. And if I didn't do something different, that is exactly what was gonna happen.

Connection Over Shame Part Two Tease

SPEAKER_01 52:53

So what you're you're this story is so beautiful, really. That do you call him Twilight? Twilight, yes. Twilight. So what Twilight did was not to shame you, judge you, um, leave you alone because he was disgusted with your behavior and how many times you had been there, he connected with you. He truly you you were seen, you were heard, and you were valued by him. And I want our listeners to understand that if you love an addict, shaming them, blaming them, punishing them, it it may feel like the only thing to do because you've tried so many other things, but that is not what helps people get sober or stay sober. It's the connection that you felt with that person, another human being slowing down enough to say to you, yeah, I'm really scared. I look at these labs and it's not good. And and it's that moment of grace, I believe, that happens. At least uh I feel like I had a moment of grace, and and I I want our listeners, if you're suffering with addiction or you love someone in addiction, praying for willingness, praying for a moment of grace, and really staying connected to that person without shame is one path to helping people. And while we could go on forever, Susanna and I love to talk to each other. I have to say she's one of the funniest people I have ever met. I know that she has so many talents, but I always tell her stand-up comedy is calling you. Like you couldn't hear it today, but I promise you you won't meet anybody funnier. So I'd like to invite you back for part two where you get to tell the after, you know, because you've you've told the pain, the the journey there, how how you got here. And um then when the sixth time happened and Twilight was there, and you made this decision to commit, whether you you probably were just so scared, and and I'm imagining that you didn't know it would work, but you were willing. Does that sound appropriate? Right, sound right, and then the rest of the story is so powerful. Susanna is doing all kinds of things right now that I want our listeners to hear because there's this what happened, where we are now, and then what happens after, where we share experience, strength, and hope. And so our next episode with Joe uh with Susanna is going to be about her experience that she shared, but her strength and her hope, and we want everyone to have hope. If you're suffering this was this disease, Susanna and I know it intimately, and it we I wish it on no one, but there is a way, there is a way out, and that's where we'd like to go on our next episode. Does that sound good to you, Susanna? Yeah, I thank you for being with us today and appreciate your vulnerability. And these are the stories that you hear when you go into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, you hear the stories of people who have suffered, but you also get to hear what happens afterwards. And that is just powerful. It is so powerful to hear about recovery. And we want to leave you today with just an invitation to come back and learn more about Susanna's journey, that she has unlocked her power of connection, and with that has a blueprint for how to live her life now, because that's what recovery teaches us. Not only that we stop drinking, that's the beginning, but how do we live this life sober? And what resources do we bring along the way? And I'm really excited about our next episode. So we'll see you then the next time on the blueprint. Thanks, everybody.