62: The Midlife Overfunctioning Trap: 10 Signs You're Overfunctioning ( And Why You're So Tired)

How Midlife Women Can Stop People Pleasing, Set Healthy Boundaries and  Live With Intention ...Writing Their Own Recipe For A Life That Feeds Their Soul.

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At 2 a.m., I’m not always sleeping, I’m mentally managing other people’s lives. If you’ve ever laid there running through your adult child’s problems, your parent’s meds, the family logistics, the friend you promised you’d help, and the thousand invisible details that keep everyone comfortable, you already understand the quiet pull of overfunctioning. It doesn’t show up as “I’m an overfunctioner.” It shows up as “I’m just responsible,” until being responsible turns into being responsible for everyone.

I talk candidly about what this looks like in real life as a midlife woman in the Sandwich Generation, including the season where I supported my adult son while also stepping all the way in to care for my aging parents after a medical crisis. I share the moment I finally crashed, and the mentor’s line that changed everything: just because you can carry it doesn’t mean it’s yours to carry. We unpack the difference between caring and carrying, why capable women become everyone’s first call, and how validation and praise can quietly hook our self-worth to sacrifice.

Then we get practical: the nervous system toll of chronic stress, high cortisol, disrupted sleep, and fight-or-flight, plus 10 clear signs you might be overfunctioning. We cover resentment as a boundary alarm, why rest is a biological requirement, how rescuing capable adults can block their growth, and simple phrases to start saying no without overexplaining. If you’re ready for healthier boundaries, less emotional labor, and a way back to yourself, press play, share this with a friend who carries too much, and subscribe and leave a review so more women can find it. What’s one thing you’re ready to put down this week?

Transcript

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I was thinking about something this week because I had one of those aha moments that I think a lot of us have. You know, when you're lying in bed at two in the morning and instead of sleeping, you're mentally solving everyone else's problems. For me, I'm worried about my adult child. Um I'm wondering if my dad remembered to take his medication, you know? Um, and then there's that thing I promised a friend that I would do for them. And oh yeah, that email I forgot to send. And what am I gonna eat for dinner tomorrow? And just all the thoughts that rattle through our brain in the middle of the night. And here's the funny thing, I know you can relate to this. Most women don't walk around saying, I'm an overfunctioner. We usually just say things like, I'm the responsible one, or I'm really just organized, or I love to help, or my favorite, I just like things done properly. And while all those things might be true, there comes a point where being responsible quietly turns into being responsible for everyone. And that's where things start to get heavy. And I think that's why one of the reasons that midlife women struggle with this so much is because we've been practicing this overgiving and being responsible for decades. Most of us are daughters and mothers and sisters and wives and partners and employees. A lot of us are caregivers. Some of us volunteer. We're the

The Midnight Mental Load

SPEAKER_00 1:32

family event planners, the memory keepers, the peacekeepers. The one who remembers that Aunt Susan doesn't like onions and Uncle Bob needs a gluten-free bun. And honestly, if there were Olympic medals for carrying invisible emotional labor, women my age would sweep the podium. Because once we hit midlife, we're dealing with aging parents, we're still probably dealing with adult children, our bodies are changing, our hormones are all over the place, and some of us even have career changes at this time or are thinking about retirement and maybe want to reinvent ourselves a little bit. And somehow we're still trying to be everything for everybody else. It is funny because researchers have an actual name for this stage of life, and it's called the Sandwich Generation, which, you know, I personally think is too cute of a name because it sounds like a nice lunch, but it actually is a pretty monumentally heavy place to be when you still have all of these people to worry about, and you're the capable one. And eventually something happens. You wake up one morning and you realize you're just exhausted. Not because life is hard, because life's always hard at times, but because you've become the person who carries everything. I remember a mentor of mine saying this to me years ago, and it stopped me in my tracks. She said, just because you can carry it, it doesn't mean it's yours. Yeah. That's a big one. I'm gonna say that again. Just because you can carry it, it doesn't mean it's yours to carry. I think that might be one of the most important lessons that we have to learn in midlife. Because many of us, and I'm included in this, have built our entire identities around being capable. And capable women are dangerous. Not because they're powerful, but because they become everyone's first phone call. Do you need help moving? Call her. Need some advice? Call her. Do you need a ride to the airport? Call her. You know. Do you need someone to organize the fundraiser, host a family dinner, solve that problem, maybe smooth over a conflict with a family member? Remember all the details and bring the potato salad. Guess who you're gonna call? Her. And you know what? I am her, and I've been her for a long time, and I'm sure you've been her too. The biggest challenge

Just Because You Can Carry It

SPEAKER_00 4:15

that we have to face is that everyone around us gets very comfortable with what we're willing to carry. Sometimes maybe even more than we do. And before long, we aren't just helping anymore, we're actually overfunctioning. And I wanted to have a conversation about this today because I think it's a big deal, and we've talked about it on the podcast before, but you know, it's it's something that has really become an important part of my work. I personally have an adult child who's going through some adult child sounds like a funny thing to say. A man, my adult man in my life who's going through some extraordinary challenges, and I can't fix it. And that's a really hard truth. But another really hard truth is that caring about someone and carrying someone are not the same thing. And that's a distinction that I've had to learn the hard way. You can love people deeply without taking ownership of their feelings. And you can support someone without rescuing them. Hello, I'm Marnie, and I'm a recovering overfunctioner. I've been wanting to tell you this story for a while, partly because it's it's deeply personal, and partly because I have a feeling that if I share it, some of you are gonna hear pieces of your own story right here, too. You know, over the last few years, I haven't just been supporting my adult son through some really hard things. I've also been helping to care for my aging parents. And and most of you know that my mom passed away last year, but what you may not know is that there were several years leading up to that loss that were just like incredibly hard. You know, doctors' appointments and difficult conversations, there were decisions that nobody wanted to make, mountains of paperwork and financial responsibilities, and moments where I just felt like I was carrying the weight of

Caring Versus Carrying

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the world on my shoulders. And honestly, that season of my life changed me dramatically. And it's one of the reasons I do the work that I do today. It's one of the reasons I teach boundaries and we talk about overfunctioning. And it's part of why I wanted to do this podcast is because I'm really passionate about helping midlife women find their way back to themselves. Because when we're caring for everybody else, it's really easy for us to get lost and for our needs to go by the wayside. As women, we're often extraordinary at taking care of everyone else. But one of the things that I have learned, especially since getting into midlife, is that it is our responsibility to love ourselves as fiercely as we love everybody else. And to show up for ourselves as fiercely as we show up for everybody else. Because if we don't take care of ourselves, eventually we don't have anything left to give. And if you're part of the sandwich generation trying to support aging parents while still showing up for your adult kids or adult children, your partners, your career, your friendships, and all the other demands that life brings us. I have a feeling you're gonna understand exactly what I'm talking about. So back in twenty twenty-three, my mom took a pretty simple fall that didn't seem to be too serious. But I drove out to Kelowna anyway to help my dad and offer support. And after a few days, my mom got worse and ended up in the hospital. We had to call the ambulance, and she ended up staying in the hospital for over three weeks. And my dad was pretty overwhelmed and scared, and so I did what I know how to do. I made food. I made enough food to feed an army and I put it in the freezer, and I put labels on everything and painter's tape on the side of the freezer with arrows, so there was no possible way that he would not be able to find this food. And then I kind of looked around the house and it had become really obvious that they they just weren't managing everything on their own anymore. And so I ended up staying for over a month and I I just stepped in. And when I say stepped in, I mean I stepped all the way in. I was helping clean the house and take out their recycling. I cleaned up my dad had a dining room table full of paperwork, so I had to go through that and clean up all the finances. I was dealing with their property taxes and power of attorney documents, their wills, notary appointments, phone bills, banking, lines of credit, you name it. I was doing all of it, and it just was just just a mountain of things to do. And every single day there felt like

When Help Turns Into Takeover

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there was just another fire to put out. But we just tackled it one after the other, and I just kept on going. And some of it was really hard, and I didn't know how to do it, and I was like, okay, what do I do now? But I just kept plugging away and I would figure it out one problem at a time and one phone call at a time, and I would file everything and get it all cleaned up. And eventually I got most of it handled and it felt pretty good. And I remember just feeling like, wow, I got all that done. That's crazy. And then something interesting happened. So I felt pretty good. My mom got home. I felt like they were going to be okay because there was lots of food in the freezer and that they would be, you know, they could manage for a while. So I drove the seven hours home, took the ferry, came, got back to Vancouver Island. And when I got home, I got out of my car and I walked into my house and I climbed into my bed with all of my clothes on. I didn't unpack, I didn't brush my teeth, I just lied down and I cried and I cried and I cried for three whole days. Thankfully, I had a girlfriend who just listened while I drank wine and blubbered for an entire weekend of all of the fears and worries, and I just unloaded all of this stress and all of this complete chaos that was living in my body that I didn't even realize. There was so much fear and so much what-ifs and so much unknown that I think I had a little bit of a mini-nervous breakdown, and it was a huge wake-up call for me. It was a huge wake-up call. I I remember getting to the end of that weekend, and I I finally had the courage to call my brother, and I told him what had happened, and that I had just completely fell apart. And he said, Marn, he said, you don't have to do this all by yourself. You don't have to do this all by yourself. I can help too. And I was like, I know, I know. I forget to ask for help sometimes. And I even said the same thing to my kids, and both of my adult male kids said, Mom, we got you. We can help. We can do grocery orders for grandma and grandpa. We can, you know, we can do all of that stuff. And it was just really interesting

The Crash After Holding It Together

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because when I really look back at it now, I started to realize that every time there was a crisis, mom and dad would call and they'd say, What's going on? And eventually I took over their grocery shopping and paying all their bills and managing their banking and like everything. And they would just call and say, We need this, or we got to order that or whatever. And I would just go, Okay, I'm gonna just, you know, and I kind of just dropped everything and would go, okay, you need a grocery order. Okay, I'm gonna order that right now. I'll get back to you as soon as the grocery guy's gonna come. And, you know, and I just kind of was on high alert for managing their life. And I just fix it and then I'd call them with the answer and they'd say, Marn, you are such a good daughter. We're so lucky to have you. Gosh, we don't even know what we'd do without you. And you know what? To be completely honest, like now looking back, it felt amazing to be needed. And I felt a lot of a sense of accomplishment and validation in that. And I didn't consciously do that. But I loved knowing that I could help, I loved knowing that I could solve their problems, and I loved knowing that I could make their life easier, even though mine had become actually excruciatingly difficult. And if I'm really honest with myself, I think there was something else going on too, because I became quite attached to being the one who could fix things. I became attached to the one who needed to be needed all the time. And every crisis gave me an opportunity to solve something. And every solution came with appreciation and praise and gratitude and validation. And that can become a crazy powerful loop, like really crazy. So you solve and you help and you do the things and you get acknowledged and you feel valuable, so you solve some more. Not because you're selfish, not because you're looking for attention, but because somewhere along the way, I had unconsciously connected my worth to what I was doing for my mom and dad. And that was like a big wham in the head. Actually, until I sat down to actually write this episode, I didn't even realize that I was doing that. Because suddenly I had to ask myself a very uncomfortable question. Was I helping because they actually needed my help, or was part of me helping because I needed to feel needed? Yeah, that was heavy. That was a hard one for me to swallow. And it's not an easy question, but it's super important for us to sit down and look at the reasons why we do the things that we do and what leads to our overfunctioning. Because overfunctioning isn't always about control. Sometimes it's about validation or it's about our identity. Sometimes it's about masking the pain of the fear and the uncomfortable emotions that we just don't really want to deal with. And sometimes it's about proving to ourselves that we're valuable. So when I look back at those moments, I can see that I actually didn't have to do all of it alone. I could have been part of the solution, I could have delegated things, I could have asked for help, I could have shared the load, but I didn't. I just carried it because carrying everything had become really familiar to me, and I also knew that the outcome was going to be great because I knew I can trust myself with certain things. So let me ask you the same question I had to ask myself. Where in your life are you abandoning yourself for the validation of taking care of someone else? Or maybe everyone

The Validation Loop That Keeps You Stuck

SPEAKER_00 15:31

else? And where are you carrying something simply because you're good at carrying it? And perhaps the most important question of all is who would you be if you stopped proving your worth through your sacrifice? I had to look at that very, very deeply for myself. Now, maybe while I was telling you my story, you were nodding along. Maybe you saw yourself in some of it too, because, man, like a lot of us are going through very similar things and every situation's different, but they're similar. So maybe you're sitting there thinking, okay, Marnie, I get it, I hear you, but how do I actually know if I'm overfunctioning? So we're going to talk about that. We are going to talk about that. Not from a place of judgment or shame, but just from a place of awareness, because we really can't change things until we recognize that we're doing them. And I can tell you for sure that overfunctioning is super sneaky and insidious. Most of us don't even know we're doing it because we've been doing it for decades. And here's what I want you to hear. The goal is not to become selfish, the goal is not to stop caring. The goal is to stop carrying what was never yours to carry in the first place. Because there's a huge difference between being loving and being responsible for everyone. One creates connection and one creates exhaustion. And because you've been the dependable one for so long, because I had been, you know, a lot of times everyone just assumes you'll continue to carry the load. And if I hadn't asked for help, I would still be carrying the load. And I still am to a degree, but the problem with all of that though is that your nervous system, like it eventually sends you a bill. And mine did, and it was high. Because it's chronic stress and disrupted sleep, and my cortisol levels were through the roof, and I had more anxiety than I've ever had in my life. And my joints ached, and I was bloated,

What Overfunctioning Does To Your Body

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and like nothing was working. My whole body was just in a mess because our body keeps score. It knows when things are wrong. It knows when things are not the way they should be. And we're not meant to live in fight or flight for the rest of our life or even for extended periods. That's a built-in mechanism that we have. It is a beautiful thing when we need it. But over time, being in that state of overfunctioning and high cortisol levels and fight or flight, it's super expensive. It comes at a big cost to our health. So if you can relate to any of this at all, let's look at the signs of what actually overfunctioning means. There are 10 signs, and we're going to give you not only the signs, but what you can do to kind of catch it before it gets out of hand. Okay? So sign number one is you feel responsible for everyone's happiness. You know, if somebody's upset, you immediately feel responsible and you rush over to fix it, smooth everything over because you want everybody to be happy. And you make yourself uncomfortable so that everybody else can be comfortable. So when that happens and you find yourself doing that, just remind yourself I can care about someone's feelings without taking responsibility for them. That is a game-changing distinction, and it will absolutely change the way you feel and help you to check yourself. Sign number two, you struggle to say no. And we've talked about this lots on the podcast. But you say yes when your calendar is already packed. You know, even if you don't have a spot, you I'll figure it out. You volunteer, you help, you just take on one more thing, and then you wonder why you're exhausted. And that is really common, and we usually end up feeling disappointed that the things we really wanted to do, we actually didn't have time for because we made sure everybody else was looked after. So practice this simple phrase. Even write it on a sticky note and put it on your bathroom mirror. I would love to help you, but I just don't have the capacity right now. Love that phrase. So good. No explanation required. Sign number three, you solve problems before people even ask you to. You see a problem coming and you just jump into action. You don't even give others the opportunity

Signs One Through Five

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to solve it for themselves. That is huge. And I know I have done that, especially with my dad. There's been a lot of times that me taking on a task just because I know I can do it actually robs him of the opportunity of solving that problem himself. It robs him of the opportunity to feel independent and capable. And so I've had to really check myself. And instead of me just going, hey, dad, I'll call the cab for you, or hey, I'll book that ride or whatever it is, I say, hey, I'm going to give you the number and I'm going to let you do it. Because that's really an important part of their independence. And it has never been my intention to take that away from him, but looking at it through a different set of lenses has really allowed me to see the real truth and how I can actually adjust my behavior to make it easier or better. So the question for you is when you have that thing arise, the question I want you to ask yourself is, is this actually my problem to solve? And you might be surprised how often the answer is no. And it's okay if it's unresolved. It's okay. Let somebody else work on it. Let somebody else chew on that. They are capable to figure it out too. Okay. Sign number four, you feel resentful often. Now this one is a big one because resentment gets a bad rap. It really is one of those words that it's like, oh, I'm so resentful and I'm so angry. But I think resentment is often one of our wisest emotions. It's actually our internal signal that we've been saying yes when we really wanted to say no. It's kind of like a little boundary alarm. And when resentment shows up, instead of just shoving it down, get curious about it. Why is that resentment there and what needs attention? What boundary are you not paying attention to? Resentment is often a sign that a boundary should have existed, and listen to the resentment. What is it actually trying to tell you? Because if you do that, it will tell you valuable information. Sign number five. I know this one intimately. You rarely ask for help. You're the capable one. You pride yourself on independence. And somewhere along the way, the receiving became uncomfortable. So when someone asks you if they can help you, just start small. Let somebody else carry the groceries. Let somebody support you. And let somebody show up for you. Because I know this happened for me a few years back. I was going through a whole phase where people would say, Can I help you with that? And I'd say, No, I'm good. I'm good. No, I'm good. No, I'm good. And what I it took a minute for me to actually sit with that and realize that when I say no, thank you to their offer of service, I actually rob them of the opportunity to feel like they get to give. And I know how much I love to give to other people and how good it makes me feel. But I realized that other people need that too. And so I had to really have a little conversation with myself to say, if someone offers to help, how can I let them? Because it's really important for them as well to feel that beautiful emotion of being the giver. So if this sounds familiar to you, maybe you just need to let somebody help you for a change. Number six, you feel guilty resting. Now, this is one for me that just kind of, yeah, I've always got, I'm an entrepreneur, so I've always got a billion things to do. So it's very rare that I just sit. I shouldn't say it's very rare. I'm working on it. So it's happening more and more. But you know, when you sit down for like 15 minutes, you immediately start thinking about what you should be doing, going through your to-do list, and I don't have time to be just sitting here doing nothing. Does that sound familiar to you? Because many women have this unconscious worth tied to their productivity. So when that arises for you this week, I want you to remember that rest is not a reward. It is a biological requirement. We need to rest, we need to give ourselves moments to breathe where we recharge our batteries because we are constantly giving, doing, showing up. And it's time that we take care of ourselves. Sign number seven. You rescue capable adults. And this one can be really hard, especially for parents, and I know this one intimately as well, and caregivers as well, because caregivers are in a situation where, you know, what I was talking about with my dad and robbing him of the opportunity to do things. Helping is really healthy, but rescuing often isn't. So if you find yourself trying to rescue someone before they even want you to

Signs Six Through Ten

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rescue them, ask yourself, am I supporting this growth or am I preventing it? Because sometimes love looks like allowing someone to experience the consequences of their actions. Sign number eight, you constantly anticipate everyone's needs. You know what everyone wants before they even ask for it. You're really taking the temperature of the room for everyone's mood all the time. And you carry the emotional labor. Does that sound familiar to you? I know it does for me for sure. So if you find yourself feeling like you are doing that, I want you to just stop and say, what do I need right now? What do I need? Because it's really easy for us to be always dialed into everyone else's needs and to know what they want and what they need. But I bet there's a lot of you out there that haven't even asked yourself that question in a really long time. What do you need? What do you need right now? What would make you happy right now? What would light you up? What would make you feel rested? All of those questions are so important, and we just forget to ask ourselves and because usually we're too tired to ask that question. But it's time that we make sure we continue to ask it because you and your needs matter too. Sign number nine, you have forgotten what you want. When was the last time you asked yourself, What would I do if no one needed anything from me? Because often, when we're overfunctioning for everyone else, our own dreams get crowded out and we don't even listen anymore. Very similarly to what we were just talking about, what do you want? And if you don't know what you want, it's time to find out. Reconnect with your curiosity, not your obligation, just your curiosity. What would you do if you could do anything you wanted, and you didn't have to be the responsible one for a minute? Sign number 10. You are exhausted, but you keep on going. And this might be the biggest sign of all, because we're really good as women at keeping on, keeping on. You know what I mean? Your body is tired and your mind is tired and your heart is tired. But you just keep going because it's just what you've always done. And you know how to do that. You know how to push beyond your limits, and you know how to overextend everything because you can. And you know what though? That does take a toll. It takes a toll in so many ways that we don't even realize. Maybe it's you're not sleeping well, or maybe you're drinking too much alcohol, or maybe you're just loading up on caffeine just to get through the day. None of those things are good for your soul or your body. So we have to really be mindful of what we're doing because exhaustion isn't weakness, it's just information. So start listening because your body may be asking you for a different way of living. So here's what I want you to take away from today's episode. Overfunctioning is often rooted in love, but love without boundaries eventually becomes depletion. And you don't have to earn your worth through exhaustion, and you don't have to prove your value through sacrifice. In fact, the strongest thing you may ever do for yourself is to put some of it down. And to finish my story, eventually I called my brother and I told him what happened, and eventually I got better at asking for help and being okay with it being done their way. Maybe not the way I would do it. But it still got done, and it felt really good to be able to ask for help. And it also felt really good to know that I was supported. Because sometimes I think when we're overfunctioning and we're carrying everything by ourselves, it's a super lonely place to be. It's a super lonely place to be. I know I felt that way. So if you're feeling that way, I bet you that there are people in your life that would be happy to help if you would let them. In fact, I'd put money on it. So ask, because you'll just probably be incredibly surprised at how many of your friends or your family would be happy to be there for you. So until next time, remember life is not something that happens to you. It's something you intentionally create. And I can tell you this for sure

Put Some Of It Down

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that life is always way more delicious when you leave room for yourself at the table.