You Are Not Too Much: Emotional Depth as Superpowers

Have you ever been told you're "too sensitive"? "Too emotional"? "Too intense"?
 Let me tell you something, sis: You are not too much. You’re simply not in a space—or around people—who know how to hold the depth of you.

In this episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we’re dismantling the internalized shame that so many women carry for being expressive, emotional, and emotionally deep. We’ll explore where this messaging comes from, how it affects our relationships and self-worth, and how to reclaim your fullness without shrinking to fit.

✨ In this episode, we’ll explore:
 🔹 Why you were conditioned to believe you’re "too much"
 🔹 How emotional suppression shows up as self-abandonment
 🔹 Ways to reframe your sensitivity as a strength
 🔹 Affirmations and reflection prompts to help you come back home to yourself

This one is for every woman who’s ever dimmed her light, silenced her tears, or felt like she had to be "less" to be loved. You’re not too much. You’re more than enough.

🎧 Tune in now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.

#YouAreNotTooMuch #EmotionalHealing #HighlySensitiveWomen #RadicalSelfLove #ShiftHappensPodcast #HealingJourney #WomensMentalHealth #SoftnessIsStrength

Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shifthappenswithshay@gmail.com if you are looking for insight about your life, send your stories, or request topics you would like to address.

Please note this podcast is not a substitution for therapy, if you require assistance with exploring trauma, deeper relationship issues, or more please reach out to establish care.

Transcript

0:00

Hey there, and welcome to Shift Happens with Shay. I'm Shay, your host and licensed marriage and family therapist. This podcast is where we dive into all the shift life throws our way, whether it's relationships, mental health, personal growth, or just figuring out this crazy journey of adulting here. We're all about honest conversation, real stories, and a whole lot of laughs as we tackles life's challenges together. This is your space to grow, explore, and feel seen. So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cup of coffee or wine, and let's get ready to shift through it all. Thanks for tuning in, and remember, no matter what life brings us, we're in this together. Hi beautiful people. I have missed you guys so much. It has been a hot minute since you've heard my voice had me blasting in your car unless you were new and you went back a couple of episodes. I mean, last we left off, we were at episode 11 and we're at 12. Can you believe that? So yes, definitely. I got sick. Someone took me out for the count. So I wasn't even able to do the podcast as planned, and then I was gonna do it during the week of my birthday, but I still felt icky. And that's a okay, because that's what we learn about here at Shift happens with Shay. We learn to shift our mindset and shift, you know, how we're combating these situations. So we shifted from shaming mindset to a compassionate one. And my love. Today's episode is all about compassion because a message from my heart to yours is that you are not too much. How often as we as women have heard that. We are doing the most. We're overly sensitive, we're dramatic, we're super emotional. We don't think what our heads, we only think about from our hearts, like we're not wise, just that everything is a theatrics for us and then people don't wanna take us seriously or you know, patriarchy. Right? So this topic is super important because we're never too much. You were never too much, and you were never too intense. You were never too emotional. You were never too loud. You were never too, too bright for people who are like that. They are just afraid of your light and want you to dim yourself to make them comfortable. I realized, especially while I was in college,'cause high school was really pretty nonchalant. I mean, you care about people's opinions a bit, but not all the time. In college is when it hit me the most. When I started being around, I would say actually when I joined my sorority, it just felt like I was so different. I. It, it almost felt like I couldn't connect with a lot of my older sisters. It was definitely a lot of push and pull, head butting, per se, and just a lot of rejection. And at that time when I did cross and crossing, for those of you who we call civilians who have never applied to a sorority, never, joined one. That just means the year I was initiated when I became a sister this semester, um, which is fall 13 woo woo if you're fall 13. Hey, um, also the year, literally the summer after my sexual assault. So I was already heavy in my heart, heavy in my mind, already feeling a bit broken out of place, just not feeling the best. Also, the same year I had to come to terms that I wasn't gonna go to med school because I was struggling anyways. Even in that one, my ex had the audacity to tell me that I was too ambitious and that maybe I should give up on my dreams of being a doctor. Crazy, right? So. So many people will say that you're too emotional, you're too intense and I definitely have heard the too intense part I have definitely heard that I'm intimidating. I've heard that in the workforce. When I was a supervisor my boss actually sat me down and told me that I was intimidating. And that was interesting to hear as nobody had ever told me that. Of course, yes, she was a Caucasian woman and I am a intelligent black woman, and I'm very outspoken, especially as I've done my healing journey to know who I am. So that was interesting to just sit there and hear somebody tell me that for the first time, that I'm too intimidating. And even with my sorority sisters, like I said, it faced like a lot of rejection. It was just that, oh, too uppity, or you always isolating, you guys think you're too good for us. It was interesting. It was not exactly what I thought sisterhood would be like in the beginning and I still have my bittersweet moments when it comes to my sorority. I love some beautiful people in that organization. I've met so many wonderful and beautiful souls, but it definitely did tarnish my heart a lot. I have a lot of wounds and a lot of scars, and I'm going on, woo, how many years? 12 years in November. Crazy. But I just wanna say to you that no matter what anybody says. Or what they threw at you. You were never too much. You were never too anything. You were just being you. You were just shining. And those people were not meant to be in your light. They were not meant to just soak in it and just, honestly, you weren't meant to be accessible to them at that time. But sometimes we aren't aware of our light and that happens for us. So I just wanna just set that, you know, the stage. So let's start with a beautiful intention for our session today. This episode is for the woman who feels deeply and loves fully, but has been made to feel like she needs to shrink to be accepted. My love. We're gonna start a course with our reflection. Prompt too, and I'm going to put this on IG'cause I do wanna know when was the first time you were told you were too much? How did you carry that EY Gooeyness already? So let's get into it. Sometimes the too much wound, we just think about where does it come from. And I mentioned a bit of it, socialization of women, like we are meant to be quiet, digestible. Mm-hmm. Emotionally neat. We're meant to be wrapped up in a package. We're not meant to be out here. I'm not gonna say it loud, maybe it is loud. We're not out. They don't want us to be outspoken. They don't want to hear the intellect that comes from our heart and our mind and stuff, which. According to dialectical Behavior therapy, that is called Wise Mind. So you can check anybody that tells you you're being too emotional. You need your emotions, and you need your logic to be wise. That's not the point. Society tells us that you're meant to be quiet. Don't be too loud, don't be too expressive. Don't be too animated. Don't be too sassy. Don't be arguable. Don't be combative. Don't be dramatic. And I mentioned that before too, especially for us as women of color, the pressure to be strong but not emotional, it is heavy. Everybody wants you to be the pillar, the friend to lean on because society has to. Absurd thinking that we aren't soft, that we don't know what softness is. And unfortunately people have taken that from us for generations through, like I mentioned, our ancestors and what's not whatnot. So yeah, they just think that we don't know what being soft is or that we're not meant to be solved. And that's why you have issues even within the medical society when it comes to black women being taken advantage over. Smith that we don't feel or that we have a higher pain tolerance. If anything, we've been forced to be resilient. And I mentioned it before, I believe in the narrating like reauthoring your voice and reclaiming your time. That session, throw down the cake, fuck all of that. But yeah, they want us to take the pressure, but. Don't complain them if it's too much or that you need help. You're meant to be strong, not emotional, and they want us to be present. But not dramatic, quote unquote. What does that even mean? Yeah, they just want you there to look pretty, sit there, look cute, and hey, I met my DEI quote, Hey, but don't start acting up or throwing fits because you disagree with something. If you disagree with something, oh, you are dramatic. You're doing too much. You're being argumentative. You're being intimidating. Even in childhood, we can have these wounds. Even before you get into the world. Maybe you've heard this unfortunately from your family, the message of don't cry, calm down. Don't be so sensitive. You cry too much. You're cry, baby. You're such a little, oh my gosh. That's all you do. Toughen up. Enough's enough. Wipe those tears. I don't want to hear it. Get out of my face before I give you something to cry about. Oh, you guys have definitely heard that one, right? Yeah. Stop crying, or I give you something to cry about. Mm-hmm. So then you're taught then that emotions are too much. You're talking are not a good thing. And then this leads to us being emotionally suppressed. Because we've been dropped so many times when we were trying to be vulnerable and tell people I need you, or express your curiosity or whatnot that you wanted to express, like your joy, your happiness, your sadness, and then we're told that you're doing too much. Tone it down. Keep it to yourself. Be quiet. And that also leads to self abandonment. We start to leave ourselves, we start to leave attunement and we become disc conducted. Now we don't feel comfortable with. I love you. We don't feel comfortable with hugs. We don't feel comfortable expressing how we feel inside. If something makes you uncomfortable, if something just even sparks joy now, you don't feel that it's important enough. To bring up, and then this can lead to you also dimming your light and your friendship circles, your relationship and your workplace. You start to hold your tongue and hold back. Despite that you're so passionate about something, whatever the topic may be, you hold back because then you start doubting yourself and say that, oh, that. Stupid. Nobody will listen to me. That's dumb. No, don't feel high. That swallow it. And then with relationships, again, holding your tongue, and then you end up in an unsatisfied relationship because you're told if you express yourself, you're being stubborn. You're too much. Can you not do the most? I'm doing my best here. Why are you requiring more of me? I'm with you, aren't I pretty condescending? And of course in the workplace, like I've mentioned, you're too much. You're too intimidating. You're too assertive is really what it is, but they'll say aggressive instead. They like to mince the world itself, but we don't know what it is. We're actually really assertive when you're not used to people being con confident, and so they'll do anything to come and snuff you out because if you're not suppressed, you're going to overturn the system and they don't like it. And I wanted to include this quote for you. You were never too much. You were just too real for people who weren't ready for the truth of you. And man, that's a word, isn't it? You were never too much. You were just too real for people who weren't ready for the truth of you. And honestly, not everybody is meant to hold your truth. Not everybody's meant to bask in your truth. Not everybody is meant to witness because you don't have to explain your truth to nobody. It is what it is. Don't waste your time proving it to nobody. We're not abandoning ourselves no more. We're not shrinking anymore. But Shay, if this is what's living within me when shrinking shows up, like how will I know? You'll know when shrinking shows up in your life because you're avoiding conflict to be liked. Yeah. When you're just accepting anybody's idea, despite that, it makes you uncomfortable. You feel that pitting yourself. Stomach. It makes you anxious. You feel depressed. Yeah, probably maybe even end up hitting yourself a little bit more every time, just because you don't wanna say no because you wanna be agreeable. That goes back to the society. We're supposed to be digestible. And that means we should be agreeing, we should be, yes. People don't have a thought. I'll do the thinking. You just sit there and look pretty, dimming accomplishments that feel. Relatable because now we're taught, oh, you're being arrogant. That's you're being a narcissist just for being proud and about your accomplishments, but now you're dimming it like, oh, oh yeah. I mean like, yeah, that's nothing. I, I definitely, I hear you like, yeah, it's just a little master's degree, you know? I got my little master's and it went about my day. Absolutely not. But that's how it shows up when you just start diminishing things that are actually really important milestones in your life. Or if you're overexplaining and apologizing or apologizing for your emotions. I'm sorry that I cried in front of you. I'm, I'm, I'm sorry that I am, I'm feeling discombobulated. I'm sorry. I was anxious. I'm sorry. I'm feeling, or that, oh, you know, I'm really anxious because you know this will happen, and then that don't happen. Then this will happen, and then then you know, like, you know, it's not really you. It's really just I slow down. I see that one a lot in my sessions with women so often, even some of my men. But since I see a lot of women, I see that so often, always apologizing to me in session. For crying, for getting emotional A, about situations that rightfully are emotional. They're emotional. If you're telling me about a traumatic experience. Yeah. If you're recalling the details of how it hurt your heart and how you felt unsafe, and how your life was turned upside down. Yeah. That deserves some tears and maybe some anger or frustration or some hopelessness or whatever you're feeling in the moment that deserves all of it. It's so valid, and yet every time, no matter how many times I've been say in session, it's okay girl. No need to apologize. Your emotions are fine. They're meant to be here. This is a safe space for them. They'll still kind of do it. It'll lessen over time, but so used to having to apologize just for feeling because that's too much. And as I mentioned earlier, another sign silencing your joy, excitement, or grief to be chill, quote unquote, nonchalant. One of the boys don't do too much. You just neglecting the stuff that makes your heart light up just to be accepted so that you don't look like someone that's too emotional. Because if you're too emotional, that means you can't handle the tasks that are coming to you or you're not reliable, liable. And then another, it's attracting relationships. Where emotional depth is dismissed or feared. Those are your very surface level relationships. When your partner, when you're trying to be vulnerable and that creates intimacy and you're trying to dig a bit and understand what's going on for both you and your partner. And when you're just asking for some clarification or wanting to understand or even expressing how something made you feel, and then it's turned back on you, or it's that, that's not important. It's not a big deal. It's a big deal to you, but it's not a big deal to me. I think you're making a big deal out of nothing. You're making a molehill out of an anthill like you are just, you're really doing too much right now and you need to slow it down. You need to think about it. Yeah. Or if it's fear, which is typically what it is too in those relationships, is that your partner is not used to. Vulnerability themselves. So they're afraid of falling down in that deep because we all have negative views of ourself. The internal messages happen. So it happens. Yeah. Unfortunately we all have'em, but yeah, you're, it's either dismissed or it's feared because now if you have emotions and you start calling out people and holding them accountable, ah, ah, they don't like that. And that's when you get the speech. Yo, you're doing the most. I gotta leave right now. When you get it together. I come back when you start acting right. I'll get back. Yeah. I'm so sorry if you've actually ever experienced that. I, so sorry. I want affirmation for you, and we're gonna just take a deep breath in down. And your affirmation is I no longer apologize for the way my soul was designed to express. I no longer apologize for the way my soul was designed to express. You really have nothing to apologize for. You're being who you're meant to be. In tune with yourself your meant. To listen to your heart, you are meant to die deep and build insight and understand what makes you tick, what makes you smile, what makes you cry, what makes you fearful, what makes you sad, which makes you angry, all whatnot. You are meant to know all of these emotions. Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It is a superpower. Emotional depth equals empathy, intuition, connection, and creativity. Yes. Without your emotions, how do you become empathetic if you don't understand them? How do you build discernment if you are not attuned to yourself? How do you build connection with others if you don't share a laugh? A smile or just these emotional experiences with people. How do you even tap into creativity when that is based on your emotions as well? Take that with you. That's your superpower. Be emotional. We're meant to be emotional. Being expressive means you have access to your inner world, and that is a beautiful healing. Having that connection after so long of being disconnected'cause others told you that's wrong to do, no clue they were wrong, they were ripping you and taking away your birthright to be expressive. Get access to your sub. Have access to that beautiful world you have within a view, within a view within you, because that's healing, normalized, crying, and I get it. I don't like it either. The headaches, the snogging nose, the red eye, that's not the cutest thing. And I'm not the cutest crier. I don't like it. But when it happens, it happens. It is a natural physical response from your body to release even your body. Knows. Even when you're not attuned, sometimes that crying your body knows that, oh, I gotta let that go. That's not meant to stay within me. So it releases'cause that's stressful to hold onto. So normalize, crying, normalize speaking up, advocate for yourself because if you don't, who will? Sometimes we might have those beautiful friendships, those people by our side that. Uplift us and encourage us and step in front of us and protect us sometimes. But when that person's not there because you're dealing with their own things, you gotta be your biggest supporter. You gotta speak up for you. Ask questions. You are not stupid. You are not being dramatic. You are not being combative. You are being inquisitive, and that's a beautiful thing. It's needed to be a wise person and normalize feeling fully, yet feel all those emotions. Deeply. Try not to shy away from your emotions. Try not to shame them and tell'em they're wrong, and I mean, I get it sometimes. Appropriate place and time. But when you do have the safe space, whether that's just a moment to yourself, whatever that feeling that's popping up for you, allow it to come Feel it fully. Where is it? Is it in your chest? Is it in the fit of your stomach? Is it in your hands? Are you clenching in your jaw? Do you taste D? Does things just tastes differently? I don't just feel fully know what this emotion does to you. And know the difference between emotional immaturity and emotional richness. Immaturity is rooted in insecurity. Again, that's you not being attuned to yourself. When we are emotionally immature, we just take everything as an attack and it's a tip for tat. That's when the passive aggressive communication comes and aggressive too as well, because we're not addressing the negative view of self. That's what's in us. We're not addressing that ugly, we're not addressing that. That shadow side, and because we see it as a flaw. So you try to project your insecurities on others. Oh, we're not doing that. We're emotionally rich here. We're not emotionally barren. We are gonna be all up in our feelings. All the ones that make you shun and kind of shake or cringe, it's okay. We're taking those in too because we're rich here. We feel all it pours into us and then we release it. It is a wave. It comes in when it needs to and it leaves the shore when it needs to. It's okay. We are in control of our emotions. When they come, you feel them. Sometimes some emotions hurt. That's our emotion itself hurt, and we don't wanna feel hurt. No one does. I know that's when we tend to run away a lot from humiliation to in violation. Bitterness. Resentment, try to run from it because you wanna be positive, but how can you be a positive light if you don't? Acknowledge those parts of you. They're part of you too. You feel those way for a reason because there is a threat. Address the threat. Be emotionally rich. Feel it. Is your superpower, like what our next hump, what parts of myself have I tried to tone down to be accepted? What happens if I just. Stopped. What would happen if you just stopped pleasing others and started to please yourself? What would happen if you toned down being accepted from others? And tuned up, being accepted to yourself. My emotional death is a portal to wisdom, intimacy, and truth. Let that sink for you my emotional death. It's a portal to wisdom, intimacy, and truth. You are meant to reclaim your fullness that all that emotional richness without shame, and some of these tools we. Practiced and talked about before. Use I statements. I feel statements unapologetically. People can feel how they wanna feel and they get to say it, and so do you. You have a right to be expressive. You have a right to say what's bothering you. You have a right to say what you enjoy. You have a right to provide feedback. I feel insert whatever you are feeling. And we're not, shame ourselves for it. Ask for emotional safety in your relationships. Ask for that space to just be for no judgment, to just release and when you're ready for feedback and. You can ask from that for your, from your relationships. It's okay to ask. I mentioned in previous sessions, I asked my friends if they have space for me, if they're too busy, if they're with something, I have something on my heart, and if it's too much, well, right now they ain't got the space and I have to accept that. But it's okay for you to ask for emotional safety. There's nothing to be shameful about that. There's no shaming or guilt about it. You hold space for other people. Let them hold it for you too. Let yourself be loud or quiet. Big or soft or raw. Let yourself be a spectrum, rainbow. Let yourself be a rainbow. You can feel however you want and you can express yourself. You have that pal. Choose environments that celebrate your fullness, not just tolerate.'cause there is a difference. People who don't feel that happiness or excitement or any type of celebratory for your compliment accomplishments, you as a person, release those people. I'll release them by at least start distancing yourself very slowly because those are the people that tolerate you until you mess up. And then they got. Things to talk about. Have an environment where it's go, girl, you got this. You're doing it. That's a beautiful accomplishment. I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. Oh, you deserve the best. Those friendships, those environments, cultivate those. Choose those. Choose to not be shamed. Choose to escape the shame. You already honestly are your worst enemy. You don't need others to do it for you. Choose environments that celebrate you and let your body express too, that's what it's meant to do. Whether that's through tears, laughter, movement, or even stillness. Allow your. Self give permission for the body to express so it can understand this is normal, this is healthy, this is what is needed. I am not meant to carry all this within. Let it go, let it go, let it shine. I do not need to shrink in order to be loved. I expand and still belong. You do not need this shrink in order to be loved. You expand and you still belong. Mm, I love this for you guys. So though my birthday has passed, I still leave this with you guys. A birthday blessing per se from my heart as I enter chapter 34 and I am on my path to embodying my true self, my gift to myself this year and to you is allowing softness and fire to code exists. I hope you give yourself the same gift, the freedom to be all of who you are. My best friend, one of my best friends, she has always told me I am a woman on fire, and fires are so beautiful. They're so strong and yet so vulnerable. At the same time, you have to breathe life into them in order for them to take shape and really grow and expand. So when you don't breathe life into you and you stop the oxygen by being deme and quiet and agreeable, digestible, you are suffocating your fire. You're not. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. But let your fire coexist with your softness. Set the world of blades and light the way some things need to be destroyed. Order. For new things to grow is even the order of nature at times. So I hope you give yourself the freedom to be all of who you are. And I'll put this journal prompt. Of course, this is for after at the. So for you to think about, write down if you like, or maybe just talk out loud and discuss with your own besties, what would it look like to live like? I am already worthy of taking up space. Hmm. What would it look like to live like? I am already worthy of taking up space because boo, you truly are. You are so worthy of it. You're so worthy of joy and happiness. You are worthy of being you and expressive and animated and goofy and silly. You are so worthy of all of that and more. Now, really think about what would it be like if you already felt that you were both with taking the space? Imagine that. And run towards that version of you. Little steps to bringing her to reality to your life. Hmm. So I'm gonna put those prompts on Instagram because that's where I put'em, and I encourage you to tag or DM me with what being too much used to mean to you. And how you are redefining it. Now, I would love to hear from you guys, so when I put them up here, I would love for you guys to tag it in your stories, put in the comments. I would love for you guys to even DM it to me if you feel shy and that's okay.'cause we're learning here. It's not, it's gonna be difficult. You can't just change years of programming from negativity to this new found free, liberated version of yourself. It takes some time and be compassionate with yourself. It's a journey. So definitely let me know how we're redefining being too much.'cause for me, I don't see it as being too much. I see it as I'm bright and maybe you just. Too. Damn. Maybe you too dark. Maybe you wish you could be this much. I'm being, I'm meant to be you. I'm being touche, and I'm going to keep being touche. So whether you're celebrating your own softness or still learning how to let it in, remember. Your bigness, your tears, your tenderness, your joy. It's not too much. It's magic girl and it's yours. You are not too much. You are exactly enough, and you give yourself permission to take up space. And if you wanna turn it to an affirmation, I am not too much. I am exactly enough and I give myself permission to take up space. I write my loves. I adore you. Follow me on Instagram at Shift Happens with Shay. You can also email me at Shift Happens with shay@gmail.com. I'm also on LinkedIn. Follow me there, YouTube. I'm putting out some guided meditations or some dear self affirmations for you to recite when you're feeling you need a little more touch or some TLC with your inner child. I love you guys. Have a beautiful week and woo-hoo Juneteenth. Be loud. Be proud. My loves. Love you guys. Bye. No.