Protecting Your Peace During the Holidays

The holidays can be magical… but also emotionally exhausting.
 This episode of Shift Happens with Shay is your invitation to stop over-functioning and start honoring your needs during a season that often pulls us in every direction.

Whether you’re navigating grief, feeling overstimulated, or just need a moment of stillness in the middle of everyone else’s chaos—this one’s for you.

🦋 Inside this soul-soothing episode:

• Why the holidays can resurface old wounds + burnout
• What it actually looks like to protect your peace without guilt
• Simple rituals + grounding tools to stay connected to your needs
• Soft affirmations + reflection prompts for nervous system support

You are allowed to choose peace.
 You are allowed to leave early.
 You are allowed to say no.
 And you are never too much for simply needing rest.

Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, Youtube, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shay@shifthappenswithshay.com if you are looking for insight about your life, send your stories, or request topics you would like to address.

Please note this podcast is not a substitution for therapy, if you require assistance with exploring trauma, deeper relationship issues, or more please reach out to establish care.

Transcript

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Hey there and welcome to Shift Happens with Shay. I'm Shay, your host and licensed marriage and family therapist. This podcast is where we dive into all the shift life throws our way, whether it's relationships, mental health, personal growth, or just figuring out this crazy journey of adulting here. We're all about honest conversation, real stories, and a whole lot of laughs as we tackle life's challenges together. This is your space to grow, explore, and feel seen. So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cup of coffee or wine, and let's get ready to shift through it all. Thanks for tuning in, and remember, no matter what life brings us, we're in this together. Hi, beautiful people. I am so happy to be here. Welcome back to Shift Happens with Shay. We are talking about protecting our peace during the holidays. Yes, if your holiday season feels more like a marathon, then a moment of peace, or if you're already emotionally tired, overstimulated, or feeling the pressure to show up for everyone but yourself. This one's for you. This episode, we're going to be talking about what it really looks like to protect your peace during the holidays, especially when you're the strong one, the giver, the peacemaker, or the default emotional support person. Mm-hmm. Your ESP, right? This isn't about, I'm not gonna tell you how to avoid the holidays, but I am gonna tell you about how to honor yourself through them. We're doing this gently,'cause I know there's a lot of hidden weights when it comes to the holidays. We're over here expecting that emotional exhaustion. We're expecting maybe unprocessed grief being triggered by family members always in this cycle of overgiving or under receiving and social obligations that just drain us. You know, behind the glitz and the glamor and the glitter that comes with Christmas or even the past holiday of Thanksgiving, we're expected to do way more than usual. We're expected to perform. We're expected to have our mask on. We're expected to just do it for the love of family. That's a lot. Like I mentioned, emotion exhaustion. You're already thinking about conversations with family members or friends or whoever and thinking about how you have to dodge them. Have you have to avoid certain things because you don't want them in your business, or you don't wanna feel judged, you don't wanna, feel guilt or shame You are just done with it all. We're done with, already just the thought of it. We don't even want to engage with others and honestly, who would blame you, right? Just thinking about those conversations is already draining enough. Or maybe, you lost a loved one around the holidays or maybe just some time in the year, and it's just every time the holidays comes, it gets harder. Maybe this was one of their favorite times of the year, and we're still trying to find a quote unquote normal after their absence. And that's difficult. That's so hard to navigate the holidays when we're not even sure how to navigate the heaviness within our hearts. And then social obligations that drain you because we're overgiving and not receiving. Nearly enough where everybody's yes person, when we really need to be saying no. The holidays is supposed to be cheerful. It's supposed to be warm. It's supposed to be full of joy. And when I say warm, I mean just like with the people we're surrounded by. It's supposed to feel light. We should feel happy or grateful and glowing because we're with our loved ones and it doesn't feel that way.'cause the pressure is just on. We have to put on all these positive emotions without addressing the other emotions. All the other warning signs that are going off within us that are pretty much saying, I don't wanna be here. if this is your experience, you're not broken, you're human, and it's okay to feel both love and fatigue. It's okay to feel both joy and boundaries. There's nothing wrong with addressing and honoring all of your feelings. We are human beings. We are complex, so we are able to feel multiple emotions. I could be happy because I haven't been surrounded by all my family in a while. But I could also feel so tired because I haven't been around you guys in such a while. So take this time and reflect for a bit. Where do you override your needs to meet others' expectations during this season? Important because this requires us to really dig down and address why are we telling ourselves no and putting up these walls and barriers? No, this is important for us to recognize. Why are we telling ourselves no, and why are we so quick to say yes to other people? What are we fearing? What do we think is gonna happen if we tell people no, that we're not up to it, that we just can't do it? Why are we more comfortable with putting our needs on the back burner? Just to meet expectations that we didn't even set for ourselves and better or not for us, they don't serve us. Think about that. Where do you override your needs to meet other people's expectations during this season? And let's really get into it about what protecting your peace really looks like. I love a good, Hey, late cancellation and let me put my row back on and go back in my bed and just. Warm snuggles, but it's more than just that because when we're protecting our peace, it really looks like maybe we're leaving early without guilt. We're not feeling guilty or that we're a bad person.'cause that's what guilt yells at us. You're a bad person for leaving early. You should be here celebrating with your family. You should be doing that, that, that, that, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It's a lot of things that's saying that you should be doing and that you are a bad person and well, that you're doing a bad thing. That's where guilt comes from. Guilt says that you're doing something bad, but you're not. If you're leaving early because your social battery restrained. You're leaving early because you're emotion fatigued and that's okay. Maybe you're not feeling well. Maybe this is all you could handle. Maybe you have other obligations that you need to get to that are important to you. That's okay, but that's what protecting your peace looks like. You don't have to overexplain, you're leaving early without guilt. Maybe another way it can look is saying, I need space. Instead of just pushing through the event, pushing through the moments and situations with these people, it's okay to say that you need space. It's okay to honor your solitude if that is one of your core values, that you need solitude in your life. Solitude does not mean isolation or loneliness. It just means you need time to yourself to recuperate so that you can actually get back out there to the world and. Present as your best self and feeling aligned. So it's okay to know when you need space, when you need to back up, and when you just need a little bit of time for yourself. You don't need to push through to prove that you love somebody. You don't need to push through to show that you are reliable or dependable or you don't have to prove it. You don't have to push through hurting yourself and neglecting your needs just to meet someone else's expectations. And not explaining your boundaries is another one. You don't have to go into deep details about why you have the boundaries, you have your boundaries or rules, and how you navigate life and how you navigate these interactions with other people to keep your own sanity, to keep aligned with yourself. To keep walking your own path because this is your compass. These are the rules you live your life by. You don't have to overexplain, you don't have to appease anybody. And to be quite honest, we're not here to force people to understand us. If they don't understand, they don't understand. Even if you've probably said it a million times before, it probably isn't the first time you even brought these boundaries up. They're still questioning or insulting it, berating it. You don't have to explain anything. Those are your boundaries. You can explain if you are talking to someone who is actually just open and curious and kind about it, then of course make the decision. If you want to just have a conversation about your boundaries, but not if we're doing it to explain, prove why your boundaries are valid, we're not doing that. Choosing rest over appearances. Those are other expectations that we have, that we have to show up for other people or more in a sense that my presence has to be there or else it's going to raise help. There's gonna be a whole bunch of people talking about a whole bunch of nonsense about me. So I'm gonna go up there and I'm gonna keep it cute and I'm gonna show up. You could choose rest. If you don't wanna go, you don't wanna go. If you don't wanna perform, you don't have to perform. You don't wanna put on that mask and put on that fake, polite, cordial smile that you all know that you have. You don't have to do that. If you're choosing to rest over just making all of these different appearances. Just so someone doesn't have something to say, people are gonna say something regardless. So you might as well just choose rest if you don't wanna go. Go ahead and relax. Spend your evening, spend your days during the holiday the way you want to spend it. The way that honors, the way you look at the holidays, honors the way you see joy and happiness and light. You do it that way. Saying no to emotional labor you never signed up for. We're not here to be everybody's ESP, the emotional support person. We're not here to do that for everybody 24 7. And for my people who work in the people, you know, people connection area such as your healers, your guides, your therapists. Coaches and so on and so forth. You are already holding so many people's traumas and beliefs all year round and through the holidays. It's okay if you don't wanna be your friend or your family's therapist, that's okay. You're not there to be everybody's healer. We're not meant to do that. It's okay to say no to the emotional labor of you having to keep it together. You having to be the peacemaker, you having to make sure everybody's fine and okay, but yet not having any space for you, your own feelings to be processed and held and honored. Say no, say no. I know that sounds hard, but you're allowed to have space for yourself. You don't have to attend every event to be loving. You don't have to give gifts to prove your worth. You don't have to explain your healing to anyone. Your peace is not selfish, it's sacred, and I'm going to give you this affirmation. Say it with me. I choose peace. Over performance. I honor my needs without apology. You don't have to say sorry for healing. You deserve to have this space and this time for yourself. don't have to prove your worth to anybody. You are already worthy. You already know who you are. You already know that you're loving and you're kind, and you're compassionate, and you are all these other things, and you don't have to show up when you have nothing left inside of you. That self abandonment, not love. Okay, so let's get into. How we're gonna honor ourselves. What are things that you can do to stay grounded within yourself? How can you return to yourself? How can you pour back into yourself during the holiday season? There are some soft rituals you can carry with you this season. You can do a. Five. Five. Five. Yep. That's triple five. Grounding breath, it's almost like square or a box breathing, but this one is just with the number five. So you would inhale for five seconds, hold for five, and exhale for five. This is gonna help your nervous system reset itself. This is gonna turn off the alarms and allow your body to relax. This grounding technique is to help you be aware of the physical sensations in your body, such as your clenched jaw, your tight shoulders, maybe the pit in your stomach, and release that tension, putting your feet on the ground and feeling steady. this is a soft way of bringing you back to the present. Yeah, come back to the present day in this moment. That's a great way to check in on yourself and with a check-in. Here's another one, a call. I call this yes to me. Check-in before saying yes to anything we're going to ask ourself, does this honor me? We're not going to just say yes automatically, and I know sometimes that can be hard, especially when we start putting boundaries and when we start saying no to other people, it's okay. It gets easier with time, it is practice. We will move through that feeling of guilt, sit with it, and really connect with yourself. This is important because we're done with self abandonment. We're done with running away from ourselves. We're done with neglecting ourselves. We're done with that. So before you say yes to anything or anybody, ask yourself, does this honor me? Another one we could do is mirror reminders. You are gonna look at yourself and you're going to say you get to take up space. So that you could look at it and look at yourself saying it, and you wanna say these words to yourself. Look at yourself in the eye. Have that really deep, intimate moment with yourself and really pour into yourself because we have to hear our voices to drown out the critical voices of others. Remember that inner critic voice we've talked about in a few episodes back, those are not our voices. Those are all of the critiques that we've gotten over the years from caregivers, friends, and whoever else from other people in our lives, and they have been distorted into our voices because we start to believe those things that those people said. So a mirror reminder. You doing these affirmations and pouring back into yourself and you tell yourself this holiday season that you get to take up space, you're allowed to pause, you're allowed peace, you're allowed to have this moment. Another way that I enjoy is that creating a soft space. I do believe softness does equal safety too, because this is safety within, we're building trust in ourselves, which if you have not listened to that episode, that is episode 16, we're building self-trust. Check it out. But yes, creating a soft space, one corner of your room that's only for you. Or one corner of your home, whatever place that you designate, this is the space only for you. These are where your candles are at. These are where your favorite books are. This is where you journal. This is where you come home to yourself and enjoy a peaceful silence. Maybe this is where you meditate. Maybe this is where you rest. This is your soft space to come home to yourself. This will keep you grounded. A nice return to yourself, a gentle, welcoming, you deserve that. Make this space beautiful. That's your sanctuary. And then we can also choose. One non-negotiable act of rest per week. No matter what it is, you protect it like a holiday tradition. This is when we have to practice following through for ourselves. This rebuilds self trust. This will build up your boundaries. This will build up you feeling secure in yourself, and you will feel aligned with yourself because you have to keep promises to you. What is the point of pretty much keeping it, keeping promises for everybody else and not yourself? I don't know about you, but if I see a person struggling to come home to themselves. It does not make me feel safe or secure as your loved one that I can rely on you because you can't rely on you. And yes, I know caveat is that everybody doesn't think that way, but a mature friend, a friend that loves you, or a family member that sees you and gets you. You need to follow through for yourself. When you treat yourself with love, you are teaching the world how to love you. So no matter what, protect that non-negotiable act of rest that you'll be doing every week, like at your own holiday tradition this month. This is an act of self-love. Come back home to yourself and let's just take a moment and reflect right here. What small, consistent boundary could protect your energy this season? What can we do to uphold this new tradition that we are doing for ourselves? How can we give back to ourselves? This is really important. Take that moment and really think about how you're gonna be able to be consistent with your boundary. To protect your energy, you gotta protect yourself. And if you need some ideas, I did make a post on Instagram. Call Holiday Boundaries to Protect your Peace. And I named'em early in the episode, but you know what? Here it could be, I won't attend events that leave me emotionally drained because we're putting our nervous system first. It could be I'm no longer explaining or defending my choices because your life decision doesn't require your approval. Maybe it could be saying, I won't participate in conversations that make me feel small. Because we're not engaging in any more emotional self abandonment. Another could be I will rest when I need to rest even during the holidays. And we're doing that because you don't have to earn your peace. And my last example, maybe you'll choose to say, I will not absorb other people's emotions. We're doing that because their disappointment is not your responsibility. Those are a few examples. If any of those resonate with you, go ahead and use it. Use those to help you get through this holiday season. Do what you need to do. you're doing great. Be gentle with yourself during this holiday season. This time of year has a way of pulling us outward out into other people's expectations, out into obligations, and out to exhaustion. But I hope today's episode reminds you to come back inward. Come back home to yourself. Your needs. Don't go on pause just because it's December. It does not do that. You are allowed to choose yourself again and again and again. You're allowed to do that, and if you find that it's really difficult to come back to yourself to give yourself those moments, come join me. I am. Happy to help you return to your own soft era. And even though I'm saying era like, oh, it's only this time and space of my life, but. Really, I'm just saying you're becoming yourself. You are acknowledging the softness inside of you. You are becoming one with your inner goddess. You are allowing her to shine and come through, and you move through her. You move through softness because softness is our strength. Softness tells us we no longer have to survive. We can thrive now. We can be our best selves by honoring ourselves. And when we honor ourselves, we show up a hundred times better for our loved ones. And if you wanna do that because you're tired of performing strength and you're ready to rest, reflect and return to yourself. Join me in my next soft era group. We're going to do another workshop in February. I just ended one on December 6th and it was amazing. We sat there, we reflected, we thought about ways that even this year. We felt drained in what 2025 taught us and took from us, and a lot of us we're just tired of overgiving. We're tired of not resting. We're tired of not listening to ourselves and our bodies forcing us to stop and pause. So many of us are looking for just a space to reflect and honor all the feelings we had, whether that be happy and calm and joy, or disappointment and betrayal and hurt or fear. This is a space where you no longer have to perform, and I'm thrilled and honored to provide a space like that, For now, they're bimonthly. So if this sounds like something you would love, I hope to see you in the February workshop so I can guide you through that. But you don't have to wait that long for that either because you have my website shift happens with sha.com. You see all the things I provide there services that you can get now to have softness in your life. So finding ways to implement that. My Instagram always has tips and tricks for you guys to having soft living because we are entering softness with Shay Soft Living with Shay. how are you gonna commit to yourself December? Give yourself permission this month to say yes, yes to rest. Yes to not going to that event. Yes, to not saying yes to everything else, however you wanna come back to yourself anyway, so I hope you allow yourself to rest. I hope you allow yourself to say no, and I hope you allow yourself to protect your peace this holiday season. If this episode nourished you, share it with someone else who needs it, who needs a breath of calm this season. I love to hear about ways that you guys ended up honoring yourselves this holiday season and what maybe you've already been doing, tag me at Shift happens with Shay, or you could comment on any of my posts on there. You can DM me, you can email me at. Shay at Shift happens with shay.com. However you wanna get in contact with me. I would love to hear your journey. I would love to hear how you all are saying yes to yourselves. Be gentle with yourself and I'll see you in the next one. I love you guys.