Episode 21: I Am My Own Safe Place — Creating Internal Safety in a World That Keeps Shifting

In a world that feels increasingly uncertain, overstimulating, and demanding, learning how to create internal safety isn’t optional; it’s essential.

In this episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we explore what it means to become your own safe place without isolating yourself, especially as a high-achieving woman navigating emotional responsibility, relationships, and constant change.

This conversation gently weaves together nervous system healing, inner child work, and the truth that healing doesn’t happen in isolation; it happens through connection, reflection, and safe relationships.

✨ In this episode, we explore:

• What internal safety really means (and what it doesn’t)
• How hyper-independence and people-pleasing disrupt nervous system regulation
• Why healing is relational, not just individual
• The role of community and collaboration in emotional healing
• How to ground yourself without hustle, urgency, or performance
• Reflective prompts and affirmations to help you come home to yourself

💭 Affirmation from this episode:
“I am my own soft landing. Even when the world shifts, I remain grounded.”

🌿 Looking for a deeper next step?
On Saturday, April 11th at 11 AM EST, Shay will host a virtual workshop:
Coming Back to Self-Discovery — a gentle space for women ready to reconnect with who they are beneath survival mode.

More details here - 
https://shifthappenswithshay.square.site/

🎧 Listen now and share this episode with someone who needs permission to feel safe, without doing it all alone.

If something in today's episode landed for you, if you recognized yourself in the patterns we talked about, I made something for you.

She Left Herself to Be Loved is a free guide I created for the high-achieving woman who has been running on survival mode and quietly knows it. Seven signs, nervous system cues, somatic reflections, and journal prompts to help you start seeing what's actually been happening underneath all the strength.

No email required for the episode. But if you're ready to go a little deeper, it's yours, completely free.

→ Download the free guide: She Left Herself to Be Loved

And if you're ready to take it further, Coming Back to Self-Discovery is the 28-page guided workbook that picks up right where the guide leaves off.

→ Get the workbook: Coming Back to Self-Discovery

Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, Youtube, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shay@shif...

Transcript

Grace 0:00

Hey, love. Welcome to Shift Happens with Shay, your soft space for mental health, relationships, and self growth. Let's shift into healing together. Hey, loves welcome back to Shift Happens with Shea, and if you've been feeling overstimulated by the world, overwhelmed by emotions or just unsure of where to land lately, you're not alone. This space is your gentle reminder that peace isn't something you wait for. It's something you create inside of you. And today we're talking about just that, what it means to become your own safe space in a world that keeps shifting in a world that has felt loud lately. If your nervous system feels it's constantly bracing or if you've been wondering what you're supposed to land, when everything keeps shifting, this episode is for you. We're talking about what it really means to be your own safe space. Not a hyper independent person saying, I don't need anyone way, but in a grounded, embodied, I trust myself to come home to me. Way before we begin, just a gentle note. If you've been craving a deeper exhale and a space to rest without performing strength and truly understanding and finding yourself, not fixing yourself, we're rediscovering. I'm happy to share more at the end of this episode about my upcoming workshop called Coming Back to Self Discovery on April 11th. Yes, I know it's two months out, but hey, the earlier the better so you know about it. For now, let's settle in. I wanna talk about what is internal safety. So many of us were taught to look for safety outside of ourselves, and your people and your plans. Predictability in being needed, chosen or praised. And if we're not getting any of those, we don't feel grounded. We don't feel safe, we don't feel heard, we don't feel good. But. Those things shift, and they always will. We're left feeling un anchored and internal safety is really a practice of knowing that no matter what's happening around me, I can return to myself. It doesn't mean you're calm all the time. No, honestly, no. It just means you trust yourself to feel the pause and to respond with care. We're not looking for something unrealistic as, oh yeah, I'm gonna be safe all the time. I'm gonna feel grounded. I. All the time. No, but what's most important is that you know how to come back to yourself over and over again, and we'll get into that as we talk more about what does internal safety feel like. But internal safety is being able to say that I'm allowed to have needs, I'm allowed to rest, and I'm allowed to change my mind. Who's gonna tell me no, that's internal safety. Self-trust built within you, connection to yourself, your discernment, your wisdom. People say it in many different ways, such as, your body knows your body is wisdom, and I truly believe that. So internal safety feels wisdom and the things that threaten our internal safety is that. Think about it a time where you felt your emotional world was too much and that's quotations too much, or you've learned early on to shrink, explain, or push through. I definitely was a push through person. I didn't disappear. I didn't over explain myself. I pushed through and that was a sign that my nervous system and yours probably hasn't always felt safe in your body. Because we as high achieving women tend to develop some of these things, and first one, as I talked about in our Inner child workshop and in our inner child episode, is hyper independence thinking. You always have to handle it alone, and that comes from the inner child need of being invisible. I felt I was invisible, so I would learn to take care of my own needs on my own. Can't be disappointed if I do it myself. I can't feel I invisible if I do it myself. 'cause I see me, people pleasing. We're outsourcing our work to someone else's comfort. We're always putting them first and that can look you fawning. You're pretty much just I have to make everybody else feel good. In order for me to feel good. Despite that, I never do. Despite that I don't agree with what they say or the things they do, but it's better than being alone because I really have a huge need, the inner child to belong some things else, such as growing up without co-regulation or emotionally shutting down as a self defense, this is when no one taught you how to calm down. So you perform stability instead, you're performing it, but you're not really living it or feeling it because we were never taught how to co-regulate. When that just means is that we weren't taught to feel our emotions, address them, acknowledge them, and process them in the presence of other people. And that is a really good skill. It's resilience that does help you with your resilience, that does help you in life being able to take care of yourself while you are in the presence of other people. We co-regulate. We want co-regulation. We don't want codependency. I don't want none of that. To be able to know that others will acknowledge your big feelings in that moment. Not always shutting down in a tantrum or just blank face numb, no, I'm not gonna listen to anything that you say. We're not doing that. And honestly, this is not because something was wrong with you. Don't take it as this. This is not anything to just blame yourself, shame yourself. I'm not doing any of that today or ever, but we are gonna build self-awareness and we're gonna build acknow, pretty much an awareness. We're gonna acknowledge. The protective or survival strategies as I to call 'em, that we have developed in order to protect ourselves. This is how our nervous system adapted to what is needed to survive. And while those strategies once kept you safe, 'cause they were created for, for a reason, those parts of you were created to keep you safe in the danger situation. People, whatever threatened you that made it feel danger, they did their job at that moment. The problem is these protection strategies don't always support healing. So we have to dismantle them. We give thanks and honor to them. We will acknowledge all the things they did for you, and they did get you this far. So I'm not saying just dismiss all of that and don't care about any of it. You should care about it. This is important for you. But we need to know when to leave things behind. Let 'em go and just bury them. With honor, of course, because this is still a part of us. We're not ashamed of this part of us that had to become hyper independent or are people please, or maybe maybe some of these you are ashamed of, but you're not a bad person for having these things. And shame says, I am a bad person and are not bad for having these. Remember, these were developed out of survival necessities. It was necessary for your survival, honor that, try not to shame yourself. Take a deep breath in and out. So I'm gonna tell you how you can rebuild it though. Because internal safety didn't just disappear. It's not something that's oh, I don't know how to do it. I can't do it. No. We always had the power to rebuild ourselves, rebuild what safety truly means and feels in our bodies. We're gonna start small and we're gonna always start gentle because we deserve gentleness. Internal safety isn't about never being triggered. That's not realistic. There's gonna be people, times, places that just make you feel, ugh, it's gonna happen, and that's okay. This is not for you to judge yourself. Internal safety is just about knowing how to return to yourself when you are triggered, though, remember when I mentioned that? And a few ways we could do this, a nervous system ritual. And you've heard me model this, talk about it. I put it on my page a little bit. But, we can start by this. You can place your hand over your heart, your chest, and remind yourself and say this out loud, or say it in, in your head. I am safe here. I highly recommend saying it out loud so that your body can get used to your voice being soothing. This is us regulating ourselves self-soothing. Put your hand on your chest and remind yourself I am safe Here. You're gonna practice square breathing and it's literally looks a square. You're going to inhale for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. Exhale for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. And inhale again, and you keep going and you do that about two to three times to let your nervous system know that it's okay. We can ground ourselves through texture sense and warm tea rituals because our senses are powerful ways to bring us back to the present. When you're misaligned with yourself, it just means we're not present. Textures will do that. You touching things. Smell, it'll take it back to a moment, a safe space. That's why we love candles so much. That's why he likes certain perfumes or even wood teas, you love the smell. It is. It is a warm and comfort spices or herbs just smelling that. It brings you back and a warm tea. And sometimes maybe for you guys a coffee feels a nice hug. And another one is that you could give yourself five minutes a day. Five minutes where no one else needs come before yours. And that's how we're gonna continue to practice that self-trust. And we talked about that in a previous episode. Give yourself those five, five minutes because you deserve it and no one could take that from you. You deserve this time. Another ones are reparenting moments, and this is when we're really taking time with ourselves. Whether you journal or not, or maybe use voice notes. Voice memos does help too, but this is where we explore and we ask ourselves when shame or anxiety shows up, what would I ask my inner child right now? what would I say to them? How could I soothe them? What was something I needed when I was younger, when I felt these things? And how can I give that to myself now? You need to affirm that beautiful little girl's voice because it still matters. Especially now when she's scared, she needs to reassure her. You have the power to do so. Protective boundaries. Now, internal safety means you don't let everyone have access to you, and we have definitely talked about that in our boundaries episode. Definitely revisit that one. It's a banger, but no, seriously, because internal safety, that don't mean everybody has access to me. That don't mean everybody has access to my time, my energy, who I am, what I do. They don't. We are not here to give unlimited access to ourselves. Nobody should have that. Really to you. This is your piece. Not everybody gets access to that. Guard it. It is okay to disappoint others, especially my recovering people. Pleasers it is okay to disappoint others in order to stay aligned with yourself. Do you understand what I'm saying? you can say no, they will be okay. That's you helping them regulate themselves. You don't need to master all of these, and you don't need to feel safe all the time, but you can become someone who knows how to return to safety again and again, and that is the most beautiful thing. You being able to, knowing that you can in a moment when you feel dysregulated, when you feel off, you could come home to yourself because you've taken the time to understand your inner needs. That inner child, that beautiful woman in the mirror, you got to understand you more so you can always return to you, your home, your safety, your cocoon. At any time, if you learned early on that your emotions were too much, or if you had to grow up quickly. If you became the strong one, the responsible one, the self-sufficient one, all of that, it don't matter which, which one you are or what you've experienced, you all have the capability to return to yourself. You do. I'm telling you, you do. You, you deserve it. All of that. So proud of you guys, and I do want you to have some gentle reflection moments. Just, just some gentleness right now. Grab your journal or just take a quiet breath, and I want you to think about these three questions. I'll repeat them twice. When do I feel most emotionally safe? When do I feel most emotionally safe? Where am I still waiting for others to validate my truth before I trust it? What does safety feel like in my body? Not just my mind, what the safe feel like in my body, not just my mind. Give yourself space to answer and let this reflection be a homecoming. Yes, I did have a few things I wanted to add in there. Of course. We were never meant to heal alone. as much as this episode is about becoming your own safe space, I wanna name something very important, that safety isn't built in isolation. We as people, our cultures, honestly. It's all built in community, despite the fact that we live in a world that praises independence, especially for high achieving women. We don't often hear praises for resting and taking time for ourselves and asking for support, but we need to change that because healing can't happen in isolation. We learn too early. That connection came with a cost. That being capable and self-sufficient and quiet about our needs was how we stayed protected. Because we were showed early on, oh no, I can't rely on nobody else. So your independence became survival and for a long time that made sense to you. But healing is asking for something different. Healing isn't about self-regulation, tools or learning how to calm yourself down alone, at least. Not only that, but it also. It is also about being a safe mirror, being reflected back to yourself with care being seen without having to perform. This is why therapy works, why community matters, why collaboration can be deeply healing and not attracting. 'cause you get to see all your needs. You mirror them in your community. You mirror them for yourself and for your loved ones. I'm looking over here as if someone's here, but nobody's there. I promise. But collaboration is healing. Being seen is healing. Being understood is healing because community is the nervous system we need, and I wanna always normalize that because wanting to be seen is not a weakness. Wanting support doesn't mean you're incapable. Highlight that for you. That doesn't mean you're incapable because you need help. Wanting spaces where you don't have to hold it all together is a nervous system. Need. We are not meant to hold everybody 24 7. There has to be a time when you're held so many women, especially leaders, caregivers, entrepreneurs, we carry quietly. We are praised for being strong, but rarely asked if we're supported. Ask me where you can show up for me. I ask you the same way. Where can I show up for you? Me and my friends do that all the time for each other, and I'm thankful for them because when you're in a room with aligned people, people who speak the same emotional language, something in your body shifts, your shoulders drop your breath, deepens your nervous system. Scans for danger, but when it sees a mirror, it releases healing. Accelerate. When you're witness without judgment, you're not trying to be fixed, you're not rushed, just seen. And also keep in mind, I understand that hustle culture teaches us to do it alone. Like I mentioned, I was the push through, figure it out and don't need too much. You don't wanna be a burden to others, is honestly the underlying belief there. We don't wanna be burdens, we wanna belong, but we're not a hindrance for needing help. Healing teaches us something else entirely that we regulate together. Collaboration isn't weakness, it's wisdom, it's choosing resonance. I want to resonate instead of force. Being selective with where you place your energy and I'm a huge supporter of that. Please continue to save your energy, protect that beautiful energy. Everybody doesn't deserve access to it. Be selective about your community, letting visibility come through alignment, not exhaustion. And this is something myself personally, I've been unlearning and. It's a long journey because you learn not to prove yourself. That it, that's not how you prove your worth. You don't have to always perform to always be successful by the numbers, the dollar signs. How long did you, how long did you last without collapsing, not taking time for yourself. That's, that's not healing. It's exhaustion. I chose. Connection without overexposing myself. Now I don't have to say my whole trauma story now, the ones that I, if it's imperative, 'cause I don't feel, we always have to recall every traumatic moment in our life, but you still should have a circle where you can tap into that vulnerable side with yourself and be able to talk about it. We're not trying to trauma bond here. Oversharing is trauma bonding, especially if you're not getting the person's permission to share. Please get consent. Also know that safety grows when energy is shared intentionally. Have an intention. What is this moment about? Is this a moment about you healing? A moment about you being held a moment for you to just be, just vulnerable and we just trying to be raw? If that's what that intention is, do it, but don't do it to just break the other person down. And I say that because not everybody can hold your trauma in one cup. There's lots of cups that are needed. One cup at a time. Beautiful. So I'll say for me personally, I do to use a word, I use Word of the Year.

21:24

You can use a word of the month to anchor you, and this practice supports me internally, my internal safety on its own. And my word that I use for the gear is flow. It guides how I move because if I don't feel flowy, I don't feel airy. I don't feel I'm here. I'm present. That I can move with ease. Feel with ease. I'm working out of alignment with myself. My internal safety is off. This doesn't need to be a list of goals or a rigid plan. We're allowed to change it at any time. Just use one word that shapes your decision, your boundaries, and your pace. Remember that your pace slow down because when urgency shows up, I check in with the word flow. When guilt creeps in, I'm a check in with my word flow and it's my anchor and it's not an expectation. It just reminds me how I can come back to myself over and over no matter what. If it feels supportive, you might try it too. Ask yourself, what word would help me feel safe in my body this month, this year? If you wanna be adventurous, I guess, this week, but let's slow it down. Maybe pick a word a month or a word for the year and let it lead you gently back to yourself. Healing doesn't always look like breakthroughs. Sometimes it looks like choosing different rooms, different people in different places, in different places at a different pace, and remembering this truth. Safety isn't about control, it's about connection. You don't have to do this alone. You were never meant to. So don't start now. Let it sit for a bit and it's okay. With that being said, if you're craving a space to practice this softness that we talked about with support, again, I'd love to invite you to my upcoming workshop. Coming back to Self Discovery on April 11th. 11:00 AM Eastern Standard Time, and yes, that is a Saturday. All my workshops end early on a Saturday. This is part of my coming to her series, and it's a space designated for women who are ready to stop performing strength, ready to reconnect with themselves, ready to rediscover themselves ready to see their truth again. We're building up on this internal safety. We're building on this self-trust. We're we're building all of this rediscovery. I'll have the details in the show notes, and if you're watching this on YouTube, I will have this in the details, in the description. So until next time, be soft. Be rooted and remember, you are a safe place to come home to love you. Don't forget to like, save, subscribe, and comment. I'm always here. Bye guys. Thanks for spending this time with me On Shift Happens with Shay. Be sure to subscribe and check the link in the description for more ways to shift into healing.