I Don't Chase, I Choose: Moving Differently in Relationships and Life

What if healing wasn't about becoming more confident?

What if it was about needing less convincing?

In this episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we're talking about the difference between chasing and choosing, and how many high-achieving women have spent years pursuing validation, approval, belonging, and connection without realizing how much of themselves they've left behind in the process.

This conversation explores what happens when you stop trying to earn what was never meant to require self-abandonment.

Inside this episode, we explore:

✨ Why chasing is often rooted in fear, not desire
 ✨ How people-pleasing and overfunctioning show up in relationships and everyday life
 ✨ The difference between being chosen and choosing
 ✨ What healthy discernment actually looks like
 ✨ How to move through life from self-trust instead of self-protection

This episode marks a shift from awareness into embodiment—the place where healing begins showing up in your decisions, boundaries, relationships, and sense of self.

🌿 Reflection Questions:

•  Where am I chasing instead of choosing? 
•  What am I trying to earn that I deserve freely? 
•  What would choosing myself look like this week? 

✨ Affirmation:

I do not need to chase what is meant for me. I trust myself to choose wisely.

💜 Ready to go deeper?

If this episode resonated, I'd love to stay connected.

Join The Shift Within, my email community for thoughtful reflections, journal prompts, workshop updates, and conversations designed to help you come back to yourself.

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Sometimes the most powerful shifts begin with a conversation.

If something in today's episode landed for you, if you recognized yourself in the patterns we talked about, I made something for you.

She Left Herself to Be Loved is a free guide I created for the high-achieving woman who has been running on survival mode and quietly knows it. Seven signs, nervous system cues, somatic reflections, and journal prompts to help you start seeing what's actually been happening underneath all the strength.

No email required for the episode. But if you're ready to go a little deeper, it's yours, completely free.

→ Download the free guide: She Left Herself to Be Loved

And if you're ready to take it further, Coming Back to Self-Discovery is the 28-page guided workbook that picks up right where the guide leaves off.

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Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, Youtube, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shay@shif...

Transcript

0:00

Hey, love. Welcome to Shift Happens with Shay, your soft space for mental health, relationships, and self growth. Let's shift into healing together.

Audio Only - All Participants 0:15

All right, here we go. Welcome back, guys. How are you doing, my dear? Welcome back to Shift Happens with Shay. And if you're new here, welcome for the first time. I'm excited to have you here as we dive into mental health, relationships, adulthood, just this crazy thing we call life. And I know y'all saw that title today. Yeah, I don't chase, I choose. And also, how to stop chasing, right? So I wanna begin today's episode with a sentence that has, you know, moved me and moved my world. I don't chase, I choose. And I know when I said that, you were thinking I was gonna do the whole, "I don't chase, I attract." And by all means, that's true, too. We're magnetic here in this world. We are magnetizing anything around us. We are charming. But for today's episode, I don't chase, I choose. And stay with me because this isn't just about relationships, though at its core, because, you know, I'm a relational therapist. Everything's a relationship, even relationship with self. But I'm not just talking about intimate relationships with your partner or whatnot. This is about how we move through life, how we pursue opportunities, how we seek validation, how we try to earn belonging And how often we exhaust ourselves trying to convince people, places, and situations to choose us, while forgetting that we have a choice too. We have a choice in this. It isn't about just only being chosen by other people. It's about also being a choice for yourself. You have a choice to be a part of anybody's life, anybody's place, any of these situations, you have a choice. You are the choice too. Choose you. But of course, we're here for a reason because yeah, I know to choose me. I know I shouldn't have to convince people, but people take con- some convincing before they can believe in you, before they can take a chance on you. But that's the pattern because we, as high-achieving women, always grow up believing that if we work harder, if we are more understanding, if we're more available, if we're easier to love, mm, instant ick with that one, but if you're more palatable, agreeable, then you'll finally receive what you need So with those beliefs and those thought patterns, we chase. You keep running and running and running and running after that validation just thinking that if I do more, I'll finally earn my seat at that table with those people, with this place, with this circumstance. And we don't do it because we're needy. I, I don't know about you, I- we not needy people. We got needs, but we don't do it because like, "I need, I need, I need, I need." We want so badly because we were taught belonging is earned And if belonging is earned, then rest is irresponsible because how dare we sit there laid up and not do the work to be where we wanna be Boundaries are selfish. How dare we try to protect ourselves? Choosing ourselves is wrong because choosing ourself is risky. But as I've mentioned in past episodes, isn't that insane? That to choose you is more risky than to choose someone else's desires and needs That's insane. You know you even though you've lost you. You know you You're lost in the sauce for now, but it's never risky to take a gamble on yourself because you were always worth it. Earn you. Earn belonging with you than belonging with people, places, and situations. And I get it. We don't choose us because- It's scary. Most of our chasing isn't about desires, it's about fear. We fear not being enough. We fear being overlooked. We fear missing out. We fear being left behind. We fear And because of this fear, you stay longer and longer in places with people and circumstances than you should That hurts You end up explaining yourself over and over, convincing you that you need to work harder than necessary To prove yourselves to people who have already decided they couldn't see you. They couldn't see us Why? I know fear is strong It shouldn't be stronger than the pain it takes to have to sit through and try to prove yourself to people who have decided already you weren't worth it. And those people don't even have the power to decide your worth or value. That power was never in their hands. They were never the people to decide that for you. They were never the people to decide whether you were at the table. You are the prize. You were always the prize. It's hard to chase, and chase, and want, and want from other people to see you so that you don't feel invisible, but you don't even see you, boo. You don't see that you are the prize. And if we think about it, the prize always sits higher than the table of the awardees. It's here. It's already here for you. You've already had this seat, this beautiful velvet cushiony seat for you. The light on you, the light in you, the light surrounding you. You were always the prize, and you never had to chase They don't get to decide. You do And when you finally decide, healing feels and looks different And it's not, let me rephrase, because it's not that I want you to detach and just be done with everybody in the world because, hey, it's people role. We're attached. We're, it's relational. We're always gonna have some type of relationship here, some type of in with people. So I'm not asking you to become detached. I'm not asking you to be numb. Healing isn't numb, and healing isn't detached. And healing is also not playing games because, you know, when we start our healing journey, one of the big emotions that come up for us is anger. And that girl, oh, she loud. She rages on and on and on. She wants revenge. She wants justice. She wants it all. Retribution. Give it back to me. I'm taking it back, and I don't care what it takes. And you should, because healing looks like discernment. Be angry, but anger is only the tip of the iceberg, and underneath is sadness, hurt, betrayal Loneliness. Oh, there's so much underneath there. Insecurity. There's so much underneath that anger More than just upset and mad So that's why healing sounds like, does this align with me? Do these people align with me? What aligns with me? What values? Is this reciprocal? Oof. Am I also receiving as much as I'm pouring? Am I also getting recognition as much as I'm giving? Do I actually want this or do I wanna be chosen? Am I pursuing this from desire or from fear? Do I truly desire this for myself? Does this light up my eyes when I talk? Does it light up in my voice where you see me getting h- higher and so excited, or am I doing this from fear because fear of missing out and fear that I'll never be enough, and that if I don't do, I'll, I'll never be chosen? So why are you doing this? Think of those things. When you are talking to people, places, and circumstances, whatever comes to you in your life, whatever you face, think about these questions, because those are two very different energies. There's a different energy between your pure desires of you wanting something for you and wanting to just be chosen and validated and seen by others. And I understand recognition. Recognition is beautiful. Trust. I operate sometimes on recognition, but more my recognition is, does this align with my desire? And I say that as if I'm presenting an idea to my friends, I'm, I'm going in here and I recognize whether something's al- align with me based on kind of their reactions of it, because they're observing me. When they tell me, "Oh my gosh, yeah, you are lighting up as you're talking about this," they're smiling as I'm smiling. They're getting hyped as I'm getting hyped. They're mirroring that reciprocal energy. They're seeing it, and they're getting excited, and it's a resound yes, I'm in my right path. Now, when they're like, "Mm," twisting their head like, "I see where you're going with that. That's okay," I get upset because I'm not getting the recognition that I thought I would get from something for myself. But then that also says that maybe it's not for me. If I'm feeling heavier, if I'm feeling bitterness, if I'm feeling any of that, I'm out of alignment and it's not for me. So find your misalignment triggers, signs, symptoms, 'cause it'll be easier for you to discern between those two feelings, those two energies. And I'm gonna make it even more practical because choosing looks like not sending a fourth text message. Yes, where you are constantly looking for reassurance. Constantly looking for like, "Hey, hey, hey, did you see that? Did you get that? Hey, just making sure that, you know, you see that I'm doing it. I'm doing all the stuff. I, I, I do value this. This is super important to me." Don't send that text again. They got the first three. They got the first one. Not rewriting your email for the 10th time because you're trying to figure out the words, the tones. Was it right? Did I say this right? Did I get this right? Did I do that right? Write it, read it once, edit once, send the email. Send it Not overexplaining your boundaries. You don't have to overexplain why you choose to do the things you do to keep you safe. Now remember, boundaries aren't meant to isolate and they aren't meant to keep people out. They are meant to filter. Boundaries are safety. Things we do to respect our own time, our, respect our emotions, respect our money, respect our sexuality, respect our mind, respect our body. Just respect you as a entire being, an entire being. Respecting you as an entire being. Boundaries keep you aligned with you. They are not meant to govern and control other people because that's a lie. We can't control people. So don't think that's what this is. Boundaries are to keep you safe and to keep you aligned with the value you set for yourself Not shrinking your standards. Just because everybody can't reach your standards, you weren't meant to be with everybody. Don't shrink yourself. Don't shrink your standards. Don't shrink what you have set for yourself to be. And these standards have to be based on your own values and how you see you. And I hope you see you with that beautiful crown, not tilted, but straightened out. You set the standards for you. The standards you set are how people treat you Not auditioning for a seat at the table that doesn't value you. Going back to what I say, you are the prize. You've been had the table, you've been had the seat, you've been had the spotlight. You were always the prize. You already had a seat. You didn't have to come here with your picnic table or your cookout foldable chair. There was already a seat designated for you You already have a chair. You don't have to audition for it. Who are they to have you perform as a jester? Are you a clown or are you the queen? Value you. And instead, I want you to notice what's going around you, I want you to assess the situation and the people, and I want you to decide Am I choosing me or am I chasing? And then you trust yourself enough to move accordingly. We are building self-trust up in here because wisdom is in the body. Wisdom is already within you. You've already known. You already do have the answers Notice, assess, decide, and trust you. Move. That's what I'm telling you to do. Notice, assess, decide, trust you, move. You got it, boo. And I think Sometimes social media confuses a lot of people. Choosing yourself isn't about becoming cold, and that goes back to me telling you, "Don't detach. Don't become numb. Don't just not feel. Don't just not be." Still be you, it's just everybody doesn't get to experience you. Everybody doesn't get to be your, near your light. Not everybody deserves your light. Being you, choosing yourself, isn't about becoming unavailable. It's less accessible, and I get it. Accessibility isn't, I mean, I'm not available. Well, I don't want you to be completely cut off where you're not available to anybody, but you are accessible to the ones that truly are worthy of your presence, of your time, and value you just as you value them. It isn't pretending you don't need people. We need people. Un- unfortunately, I know how that sounds. "Oh, no, I need people?" We do. We're social beings. We need people because healing is relational. People matter. Relationships matter. Connections matter. The goal isn't to ever stop needing others. The goal is to stop abandoning yourself in order to keep them. Because if you have to leave you in order to keep them, they were never meant for you. And I know that's hard thinking about some people's faces that maybe you've gone... that have popped up during this episode. I get that, especially depending how long they've been there or how much they've done for you, but you've done just as much. You've done more than enough, especially if it's led you to leaving you behind. No friend, no situation, no partner, no family, no, no circumstances that are truly meant for you is going to prosper and flourish at the expense of self-abandonment If it's truly something for you. There's a difference So that was a lot to take in. And that was more than enough, I, I will have to say. And you're doing great. Stick it out with me. You're doing really good So take a breath And ask yourself, you know I love my reflections. If you're driving, reflect out loud. If you're sitting, go ahead and bring that journal out. These are some questions I want you to ask yourself in the next two weeks until our next time. Where am I chasing instead of choosing? What am I trying to earn that I deserve freely? Where am I abandoning myself to belong? And what would choosing myself look like in these next two weeks? Don't judge your answers, just notice them. What we said, notice, assess, decide, trust, and move. Don't judge you. We're dismantling the systems that were given to us before we even had a say in where they landed in ourselves Be gentle with you, and I know that can be hard. Self-compassion is hard sometimes, and it shouldn't be, but unfortunately, the role makes us jaded. Take time for yourself. Don't instantly judge yourself, and when you do judge yourself, take a breath, notice it I'm sorry, self, you didn't deserve that. That idea was interesting. That idea was new and maybe fearful. I need to... Let's allow more room for that. Let me think about it more. Let me think about it differently Just notice And here is my affirmation for episode 26. Repeat after me I do not need to chase what is meant for me. I trust myself to choose wisely, and I belong to myself first. What is aligned will not require me to abandon who I am Beautiful work, my love. Beautiful One of the greatest signs of healing isn't confidence, though it's beautiful, too. It's discernment. It's realizing that your energy, your time, your personhood is valuable. Your heart is valuable, and not everything and everyone deserves access to it. You don't have to chase. You don't have to convince. And you don't have to earn your worth. You can simply choose and trust that the life you're building will meet you there Just trust. Take that step Until next time, my loves, take care of yourself and remember, the shift happens when you stop asking to be chosen and start choosing yourself Oh, and I will add, if you are another clinician listening to this episode, I will actually be working with the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida on July 17th. I will be presenting Integrating Inner Child Work for Women in Sessions. This is CE, continuing education approved, so you will be earning while you're there, and it is $10. All the information is on my website, my LinkedIn, or you could also visit Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida's website, and it'll be there as well. It is gonna be some networking, and then I'll present, so I hope to see you there. I'm super excited for all of this. Um, so like I said, that's something coming up. I will be hosting gatherings again soon. I'm hoping that I can do them in person. I'm feeling a shift, and I think you guys would love a beautiful place for us as women to get together. I already have an idea in mind, and I actually already have the items to do it. I just need to pick a date, time, and reserve the spl- the space. And I'm hoping that when I put it out there, you guys will join. Yes. Oh. Thank you for taking time with me. I appreciate you being here. And as always, if you have questions, comments, leave them down below. And also, if you made it this far and you're watching this on YouTube, I want you to comment, "Choosing me," just so I know you're here with me. Continue to choose you. You deserve it. You're so worthy of being chosen, and I'm happy that you chose to spend your time with me today. So if there's any topics, anything else you'd like me to bring up, let me know, girl. I'll say it. I'll bring it up. So many changes are happening, and I'm loving it. All right, my loves. Continue to be amazing. Mwah.

23:56

Thanks for spending this time with me On Shift Happens with Shay. Be sure to subscribe and check the link in the description for more ways to shift into healing.