When Anger Is A Signal, Not The Story

Ever feel your temper flip from zero to sixty before you can catch it? We break down what’s really happening in your brain during anger, using an office analogy that makes the science simple: the “security guard” amygdala races to protect you while the “CEO” prefrontal cortex gets sidelined. That’s why small slights can feel like big threats—and why your body heats up, your jaw locks, and your heart pounds. Understanding this wiring is the first step to getting back in control.

From there, we get practical. We map the early body cues that signal an oncoming spike and share quick resets you can use anywhere: distraction that actually works, the temperature trick of cold water to cool your system, exhale-focused breathing to restore calm, and a safer outlet for pent-up energy by pushing a wall instead of punching one. Then we pivot into communication: how to use I statements to reduce defensiveness, how to call a respectful timeout with a clear return, and how to draft hard messages and wait 24 hours so you speak with care instead of heat.

We also explore what anger often hides. Many blowups are shields for hurt, anxiety, stress, or even depression that shows up as chronic irritability. When you learn to name what sits underneath, anger becomes a signal rather than the whole story. And if you slip, we outline a real apology that repairs trust: name your action, acknowledge the impact, and offer a concrete fix for next time. Along the way, David Turner brings counseling-room wisdom, and we share scripts and examples you can use with parents, friends, teachers, or partners today.

If this conversation helps you spot your signals, speak with clarity, or repair a rupture, share it with someone who might need it too. Subscribe for more practical mental health tools, leave a quick review to help others find the show, and tell us: which strategy are you trying first?

 Explore the various services available in our community to support parents and students facing social and emotional challenges at  https://chs.clarkston.k12.mi.us/counseling/emotional-support

For Talk It Out episode questions contact David from Giesken Counseling Services - Clarkston at 810-626-5191.

For Parenting Under Stress episode questions contact Trish from Ellie Mental Health - Clarkston at tbrown@elliementalhealth.com or 248-308-5535.

For more information on Clarkston Area Youth Assistance visit https://caya-mi.org/ or call 248-623-4313.

Transcript

Max 0:00

Hi everyone. Welcome to another episode of CAYA Conversations. Today's topic will be anger management and handling conflicts. With me today is David.

David 0:11

Glad to be back. Yeah.

Max 0:13

Um, for our first question today, it is what actually happens in the brain when we get angry? And why do small things sometimes feel huge?

CEO vs Security Guard Analogy

David 0:24

So when I'm thinking about the process of anger, uh an analogy comes to mind. And it's the analogy of an office building, right? So stick with me. I'm gonna walk you through it. So two roles that we really need to focus on here, right? You got your CEO and you got your security guard, okay? Okay. So your brain is this office space. The CEO is the part of your brain that is rational, that like thinks through things, right? Well, in fancy words, it's the prefrontal cortex, but right, that's just the front part of your brain that's logical, that thinks through stuff, it's calm, helps you to work through stuff, right? You know, you you need to have that part of your brain that helps you that help you reason through things and solve problems, right? Then you got your security guard, right? He's at the bottom, he's at the base of your brain. Fancy word is amygdala, it's spelled weirder, weirder than it already sounds. Um, and that security guard, their job is to look out for danger. So if there's something something going on, right, and say old times, right? There's a bear. I mean, your brain kicks into gear, right? That security guard in your in your office brain, he kicks into gear and he tells everyone, hi alert, right? We got we've we've got a bear that's at the office. So everyone lock down, turn on the alarms. You gotta make sure everybody is safe. And right, security guards are important, you gotta have that that role. That part of your brain that tells you to activate when there's danger, it's important to have that.

Max 1:59

Yeah.

Spotting Early Body Signals

David 1:59

But see, here's the problem when we have anger that gets in the way, that that is explosive right when it's becoming a problem. Is that essentially it's like the security guard is now running the whole company, right? Imagine the security guard just like busts into the front office and he's like, all right, everyone, like, there's a bear, so we I I I need to like we gotta I gotta take the the ship right or I'm I know I'm getting my analogies mixed up, but I've got to like take control here. Right. You can't have the security officer doing that, right? No, you cannot. No, nope, especially when you need a level head and you need to think through stuff and not everything is danger, right? And so when we're getting really upset, there's a disconnect happening, or essentially, right, a a um yeah, a disconnect between those parts of your brain that tell you that, you know, actually I can I can handle this, right? Like this is a thing I can work through. But whenever the amygdala takes over, right, that part of your brain that that is looking out for danger, it is on high alert. You got adrenaline going through your whole body, and you're you're feeling the danger, right? That's when that anger becomes so intense that essentially you feel out of control, right? You are again going back to the bear, you're you there is a bear, and I have to I have to activate. And so that's why sometimes like things kind of feel a little bit huge, is because you just have this this reaction to something that feels dangerous to you. Okay, and uh I mean when you have that feeling of like this bear that's coming and rising inside of you, it can sometimes feel like, man, I'm about to explode. And so for our next question, how can I recognize it before that starts to build and I feel like I'm about to explode? Okay. Well, I think one way a really important thing to think about when you're when you're wanting to stop the explosion to happen, right? Um, is to focus on what you're feeling, right? Well, how does anger show up for you? Let me ask you, Max, like when you feel upset, what part where do you feel it in your body, right? Where does it show up? Is it in one place, is it in multiple places? What do you notice?

Max 4:11

I typically notice it probably in my face the most. I start to get a little bit red, start to feel a little bit hot all over. And that's kind of where I feel it.

David 4:22

Yeah, I mean that's a really common, like even for me, right? I notice the the blood will rush to my face, right? I think for a lot of us it's where our jaws are clenched, right? I notice for me, like I have a really I have a bad problem with like grinding my teeth, especially when I'm feeling tense. And so for a lot of us it's grinding our teeth. I think a really common one is like your hands are feeling a little bit sweaty, right? Or your hands are feeling clenched, or your heart rate, right? You start to notice that like you can kind of feel it thumping a little bit more than usual, or your breath is a little bit shallow. You gotta look at your body, right? Notice what does anger look like in my body. Again, I mean, thinking about that, that bear is happening, right? Your body sending all these chemicals to tell you time to activate, right? And so you can literally feel it inside. You can feel your whole body start to react. If you're feeling unsafe, like, oh, I I've something's going on and I don't I feel like I've gotta defend myself, right? Those are really clear signs right there. Like, okay, I'm I'm I'm about I'm about to explode, essentially, right? Like those are that's kind of where I start when I'm thinking about those clear signs.

Max 5:32

Yeah. So if I do start to notice some of those clear signs going on, what are some calm down strategies I can use?

Quick Calming: Distraction

Cooling The System With Temperature

Exhale-Focused Breathing

Push The Wall, Don’t Punch

David 5:40

I got a few. I got a few. Well, the first one that comes to my mind, I think we all just intuitively do this, right? If we're feeling upset, we distract ourselves, right? And I really that's a really good strategy to start with. It's like, can I redirect my attention, right? I'm I'm really so I saw something online that is just like grinding my gears. Can I go some do something else, right? You know, put my attention elsewhere. Maybe I saw a post that made me feel upset. Can I do something else and you know, find another activity or whatnot, right? Can I redirect my attention so this thing that's triggering me, right, can be off my mind, right? It's always an easy fallback strategy. I think again, most of us do use that just an easy distraction just to get our mind off of it. That's one. Let's say you can't do that, right? You you're say you're having a conversation with somebody and you can't just easily distract yourself from that, right? You need something to help in those moments. Um, well, there's a few others I have here, especially because thinking about our brains. Our brains are part of our nervous system, and our nervous system needs a way to cool itself down. Here's one right here: temperature. So, one simple and and you know, if it's available to you, it's a really great way to start calming yourself down. Um, one way is to get some cold water, especially noticing like your face is hot, right? Splash your face with some cold water, right? That shock to your nervous system, right, actually tells your brain, tells the security guard, hold the phone, let's calm a little bit, right? It starts to tell your nervous system that it's it's it's okay, right? Like you need you need that sensation that tells you that things are gonna be fine, right? I mean, not to go too much into the science of it all, but right, like there's that sympathetic nervous system or parasympathetic nervous system, and one system tells us fight, one system says calm down, cool it down. And splashing cold water in your face, easy way to just like start that pretty easy, right? That's not everybody's take, right? I know someone they they hate that, they do not want to splash water in their face, and I'm like, all right, let's try something else. So, another way that you can do kind of the same thing, right? Tell your body it's time to cool down a little bit. That's gonna sound cliche. What do you think I'm about to say? Take deep breaths. You're right. Well, but not just any deep breaths, right? Because here's the thing a lot of people think that it's the breathing in that is gonna calm me down, but it's actually not the breathing in, it's the breathing out. The you know, like when you're just breathing out for a little bit, right? I mean, even just like that that exhale, right, can be enough to just start that calming down. But if you really want to take it a little bit further, and if you like to count too, some people like to count their breaths, you can count to four breathing in. So breathing in for four. And when you breathe out, breathe out for eight seconds, right? Double that time. So breathe out slowly, like you're blowing through a straw, right? Like you're just carefully, just consciously blowing out, and that blowing out is the part that again tells that security guard it's cool down time. That bear ain't gonna come on up to the front to the top of the upbuilding, right? We're cooling down, it's all good. So breathing's great, right? That's why people say take five, right? Take a breath. It's your body's natural way of calming itself down, right? Yeah, you're overheating, you need to cool down. Right. But I know people who hate breathing, right? So for my listeners who don't like the idea of breathing, I got you. So, one more here. You're probably here online, right? People who get upset, right? They want to punch the wall, right? I mean, maybe just know someone or we hear that all the time, right? I'm so upset, I'm gonna punch something, right? And sometimes that happens so fast. So if you want to expend that energy, you want to get that release, that like desire to punch something, instead of punching the wall, push the wall. Like push into the wall, just give it all for like 10 seconds, right? Because a lot of times, again, your body's feeling danger. You gotta do something about it, you gotta like calm itself or or you know, send that energy into something, and you can just like push the wall, right? Make sure that wall's nice and sturdy, of course, but just push into the wall, and that'll be another way to kind of like release that energy that you're feeling.

Max 10:25

Yeah, what a great way to expend that energy that's kind of building up inside of you. I mean, I definitely notice when I'm feeling a little bit angry, I start to like kind of build up, and so breathing out, taking a little extra time on the breath out, pushing against it. What great ways to kind of use some of that energy. But now I know a lot of people that they kind of either start to yell or they start to shut down when they start to get angry. How is how what would be a good way to communicate my feelings without having those yelling or shutting down?

Communicating With I Statements Versus Yelling or Shutting Down

David 11:04

Yeah. So not too many strategies for this one, right? Just one. I statements, right? So something I notice, especially like when I'm seeing arguments happen, is that you know one person will say, Well, you made me feel upset. You you did this, right? Like you stepped on my toe, so or you forgot to do this, and then they just it it becomes a you you you thing. Well, now what happens, right? If somebody comes to you and says, Hey, Max, you did this wrong, I mean, maybe, I mean, how are you gonna feel, right? Maybe part of you's gonna feel defensive. I would feel defensive, right? Like, why are you accusing me if maybe they're wrong or whatnot? So instead of trying to figure out how to point out the other person, right? It helps to start with how we're feeling and and starting literally with the word with the letter I, right? I feel upset, or I felt upset when you did this thing. Notice how it's different than saying you made me feel this way, right? Like I feel this way. I felt really sad when you, you know, said that thing in front of my friend, or when you um, you know, forgot, you know, my birthday or whatnot, right? I felt that feeling when you did this thing. You're taking ownership for your feelings, and you're also pointing out that you know maybe there was something that somebody else did that had that effect on you. But you start with I feel, I feel sad, I feel hurt, right? That that would be the instead of yelling, right? Like you're you're starting with how you feel, and you know, hope kind of bringing in the person to know, like, hey, this is kind of what's happening right now for me, right? You're you're letting them into your world and hopefully opening that bridge for them to see that yeah, they it would be worth making a change.

Max 13:04

And sometimes the people that we're communicating with, they can be either be a parent, a friend, a teacher. How can I make sure that I'm communicating and handling this conflict in a healthy way with parents, friends, or teachers?

Timeouts, Notes, And Timing

David 13:20

Yeah, no, a lot of situations, right? A lot of different things that can really upset us. And and I I think, of course, right, working it with the person, like figuring out what's gonna be a helpful way to have a conversation, you know, like with them. I think I think there are some things that come to my mind. For instance, a timeout. If you notice tensions are rising, you can hear it in their voice, they're getting upset, or you're feeling it, you you're using that, that you're noticing those signs, and you're and you're you're feeling your heart race, and you notice that you're having an urge, right, to yell or to say something hurtful. What you can do is to kind of mention, like, like tell them, hey, I'm I'm noticing I'm feeling upset, right? I statements. I'm feeling upset right now. I don't want to say something hurtful, so why don't we just take a quick five, ten-minute break and we'll come back to this? Or can we come back to this, right? Notice how this isn't this isn't me just saying I need to time out and I'm you know trying to avoid the problem because some things need to be talked about. But when you when you give that time frame, right, that I'm gonna come back to this, but I'm gonna I need to focus on calming myself, right? Like, like we forget that we we need to feel calmer in order to handle really important conversations. If we're feeling upset, we're not likely to be able to handle that in that state because we're feeling hurt, we're feeling wounded, whatever it is, and and that's gonna come out. So by asking for that break, that's actually a really important thing. That's like a really big thing to do. That's you showing, I know when I'm reaching my limit, and I just need to take a quick minute, a quick beat, right? And I'm gonna come right back, and I'm gonna and I do want to have this conversation with you, but I need a moment, right? Um, the other thing too, you know, having a conversation with for with a friend, right? Maybe there is something you really want to say, but you don't know how to put it, and you're worried that it's gonna come across really like even if you take that break and you're still like, yeah, but I'm afraid I'm gonna say something because like I'm I'm I'm upset with them and and I I don't know how I'm gonna like not explode at them, right? Try writing down like what you want to say. Like let's say you have this friend, or maybe it's uh maybe it's a parent, maybe it's a family member, whoever, right? You you want to say these things and but it maybe you have time for it, right? Like you can take some time to process it. Write it on your phone, right? We got notes apps, you know, we got all these apps that help us to like type our thoughts. You can record it, and you know, sometimes I don't like to like tap on my phone and do all that because you know, I'm kind of lazy that way, but I like to just I talk to my phone and I I say those things that I want to say, and you put it all on your phone, take a moment to look at it, and if you have the opportunity, wait. Wait 24 hours, right? I even if part of you feels like I I need to, right? If you can, wait. Because the more you give time to something, right, the more thought that you're putting into it, right? It could be 24 hours later and you look at it and you're like, actually, I don't really want to say all those things. I mean, I I would I I I experienced that myself. Like I had I had some tough feelings that I wanted to share to my parents, and I was like, Well, let me write down what I'm feeling first. Let me just take a moment to write down these thoughts. And I I gave it like a week. I mean, you can give it a week, right? And after some time, I realized I didn't really need to say those things. Like I was saying it for myself, right? Because I knew that I needed to hear those things. And so sometimes, like, what we want to say to another person is just something that we want to say to ourselves. So write it down, right? Write down what is making you angry, what is making you upset, put some words to those feelings, and you might find that you get some perspective once you give time for that.

Max 17:19

And I I think a lot of the times we worry about people interpreting taking time or setting boundaries with these skills or communication, is uh viewed as like an avoidant behavior, but really it shows how much you care about these relationships and how much effort that you're trying to put into establishing a healthy relationship.

David 17:41

Right.

Making A Real Apology When You've Said or Done Something You Regret

Max 17:43

Definitely. Now if there is a moment that I end up saying something I regret, or there is a moment that I have one of those explosions, how do I repair things when I've said or done something that I regret?

David 18:00

Well, for one, I mean it it takes it takes a lot of bravery, right, a lot of humility to recognize we mess up, right? I mean, we're not perfect. So start there, right? Like no one has to be perfect, no one's asking for you to be perfect, and it's okay to own up, right? That made a mistake or you had an impact on somebody. And so from there, right, how do you say sorry, right? There there's a few parts to it, right, that I I think about with sorry, right? The first is kind of like what we talked about earlier owning your part, right? You're you felt a certain way, right? But in this case, maybe you know you said something that hurt the other person, right? So maybe it's owning to what you did, not looking for justification right now, but just owning that I I said this thing. I I I know I'm sorry I yelled and called you that name, right? So you own the thing that you did, and you connect it to what you saw it did to the other person, right? What we call the impact. So I'm sorry I yelled, called you a name, and I see that it hurt you, right? Like when you see that you had an impact on a person, like that's how you make them feel seen. Like I noticed that you were sad when I said that thing, or I could see that you, you know, you had a reaction, and so I see the impact that my words or that my actions had on you, right? So acknowledge what you did, verbalize that you saw the impact, and then move on to the fix, right? The the solution of next time I'm mad, I'm gonna work on breathing, or I'm gonna maybe we can take a break instead. You know, even asking, right, if there's a way that you could make it up to them, or if they can start over. I mean, from that point, right, it's it's the balls in their court of whether they would be willing to give this relationship a chance. But the fact that you acknowledge what you do in the relationship, right? Your actions and how it impacts the other is gonna set you both up for success to be able to repair, right, to heal from that wound.

Max 20:12

Yeah, and I know that there's so many times that we uh tend to lash out or we have the explosions or these big feelings when there's other things going on, when we're potentially feeling overwhelmed about other stressors in our lives. But when is anger a sign that something deeper is going on?

When Anger is a Sign of Something Else

Anger is a Normal Emotion

David 20:36

Yeah. You know, in the therapy world we call anger a secondary emotion, right? As opposed to a primary emotion. What do we mean by that? Usually anger, oops, sorry, anger is a expression of something beneath it, right? Like it's cut it it is it is a way to express what we're feeling below, right? That maybe doesn't feel safe or doesn't even feel known to express, right? So for instance, when we feel hurt, we don't want to show that we feel hurt. We don't want to show that we feel rejected. So anger is kind of like the emotion that we use to kind of deal with our own hurt, right? Like I don't wanna I don't want to realize I just got rejected by these folks. I would rather displace or or or throw my anger at them, right? Like I I'd rather show my anger, even though really there might be something else there, right? That hurt. Hurt is a really common emotion that I see underneath anger, right? Is that like really I'm angry because I felt hurt. Which again, I mean, thinking about why our bodies are like that, I mean, if you're hurt, that's danger. Of course, the security guard's showing up and he's saying there's been a problem, so we get angry when really if we take a moment to consider why we're angry, it could be the hurt. Or it could be that we're worried. Right, we snap when we we get so overwhelmed and frustrated or stressed, like it just comes out as irritable, right? We snap at someone we care about because we're just we're just feeling dysregulated, right? Or we're feeling overwhelmed. We need a moment to just feel calmer, and so that anger might be covering up that feeling of anxiety. Now, a lot of times, too, when a person is like at a baseline of just always being irritable or always being on edge, right? If that's like that's just how they are day-to-day, a lot of times what that might be, and of course, you would need to consult with a provider, make sure you're you're seeing someone, but it could be covering depression. A lot of times depression looks like anger. People don't think about that a lot, right? Usually we think of depression as sadness, but actually, when we're feeling depressed, when we're feeling so low, it might be showing up as anger at everyone, right? At the whole world, even at ourselves, right? And so it's important to recognize there is an emotion beneath that. And so one other thing, too. You know, anger, I I I haven't I haven't said it at this point, but anger is actually a normal emotion, right? I I should emphasize anger is okay. There's nothing bad about anger. But what's important to recognize is when the anger is driving what we do, right? If it is so fast, right, like we go zero to 60 that it just like flips everything. That's when anger is is becoming a problem for us, right? That like we are not channeling our feelings towards like like communicating, sharing how we're feeling, right? Or or finding a solution with someone about a problem that we're having, right? And so a lot of times, right, it's that fast, that that quick like reaction, you know, that when we feel like we have to, you know, yell at somebody or or even hurt somebody or hurt ourselves, right? That really that anger is is there's something going on below the surface that is worth talking about. And and again, when it gets to those points, I think it's really important you find a safe person, you find whether it's a therapist or or someone in your in your world who you feel like you can trust that you can talk about. It's at the end of the day, gotta find someone to talk to about these feelings, right? If anger, if the feelings behind anger aren't spoken right, then yeah, it's just gonna look like anger. It's just gonna look like you're exploding when really there might be something else going on and it's worth talking about.

Max 24:37

Yeah. Well, thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah, that does conclude our conversation today on anger management and handling conflicts. Um, thank you for everyone for tuning in. We are from Giesken Counseling Services. If you would like to reach us, our number is 810-626-5191. You can also reach us at www.gieskencounseling.com. Giesken is spelled G-I-E S-K-E-N. And you can uh feel free to uh check us out. With me today was David Turner, and my name is Max.