The Private Practice Success Podcast

17. Motherhood & Business Ownership: The Guilt We Don't Talk About

• Gerda Muller • Episode 17

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In today's episode of the Private Practice Success Podcast, Gerda takes a step back from strategy and dives into the personal journey of being a business owner. 

Join her as she shares candid reflections on the emotional struggles and triumphs that come with balancing business ownership and family life. From moments of overwhelming guilt to finally finding contentment, this episode is a heartfelt exploration of the human side of female business ownership.

In this Episode, you'll discover (amongst others):

  • The emotional challenges of juggling professional responsibilities with family life.
  • Personal stories on overcoming guilt and finding balance.
  • The importance of support systems and setting boundaries.
  • Insights into the journey of building a business whilst raising a family.

Whether you're a parent balancing family and business or simply seeking a genuine conversation about the realities of business ownership, this episode offers relatable insights and encouragement. 

Connect with Private Practice Success & Gerda here:

Well, hello there fabulous private practice owner. My name is Gerda Muller, and you are listening to the Private Practice Success Podcast. And this is episode number 17. 

Today's going to be less of a how to and less of a strategic episode. So I'm going to go a bit more personal today. Because guess what? As a business owner, there's a lot of you in it and there's a lot of personal factors at play.

But how did I get to this episode? Well, right now, as I'm recording this, it is a fabulous day here in Agnes Water where I live. It is hot, it's warm, it's sunny, very humid, as always. But it was the perfect day to do some laundry, and so I did.  I was hanging up my laundry outside and I just had this moment of realisation where I felt happy. I felt okay. I felt content. Like this is home. This is the place where I need to be. Originally I am from South Africa, so I migrated here to Australia. I lived first in Springwood, on the Southside of Brisbane, rented there. Then we moved to Shailer Park, and then we moved to Redland Bay and then I moved here to Agnes Water. And I finally feel like this is home. And I don't feel that sense of, that this is not going to be it long term.

I really feel that this is the place where we were meant to end up. And the house where I'm at at the moment is like, I'm going to retire here and I'm going to die here. I'm not going anywhere. But hanging up the laundry. I just felt content. Yes there's stuff that could be better. You know, there's, there's things that I still want in my world, but it's like, I'm good. And why that prompted a podcast episode is that for a very long time I wasn't good. 

The Emotional Struggles of Business

I have had times over the years hanging up the laundry where it wouldn't be a good experience. Like nobody likes properly hanging up the laundry, but it was a place where I often just had my moments of tears just starting to fall down my face and even sitting down, just crying because it was a place generally where I would be alone. The kids would be in the house, the husband would be in the house, maybe somewhere else in the garden - and it would be a safe space to just let it all go. Let it all just come out.  

It was normally in a moment of extreme overwhelm.  So by having this moment today where I was hanging up the laundry and going - I'm not feeling overwhelmed. I'm actually okay. It was like, I've come a long way. Because the fact of the matter is this, and I don't think we say this enough - but being a female business owner, and specifically a female that's also a mother, and that has parental duties, is incredibly difficult. And I'm going to talk from that perspective because that is who I am

The purpose of this episode is not to take away from anybody else's experience of not having kids or maybe being a male business owner. That's not what it's about. I'm going to talk from my experience because that was my reality over the years. Trying to build a business with three young children was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Because I felt like for at least 10 years of my life, my constant primary emotion that I carried around with me - from the moment I opened up my eyes in the morning, to the moment I closed my eyes again. And this is even bringing up emotions for me just talking about it now. I just need a moment...

I did not think that was going to happen, but you know what? The remembrance of it is so real.  

The Weight of Guilt

Honestly. I think for 10 years straight between 2007 to 2015 to 2017, my primary emotion from the moment I would open my eyes in the morning, to the moment I went to close my eyes at night was guilt.

Absolute guilt that I'm just not enough. And, you know, often that would be not being present enough for my kids, which is so hard to talk about. I would always feel like I was failing them. And the number one reason I started the practice was to be able to be there for them more so, than not.

To have that flexibility. To not work for a boss who I need to ask permission to take time off from work. Where I went, you know, I'm my own boss now. I set my rules. I set my limitations, my boundaries. If I want to start work at 11, then that's what I'll do. If I want to finish at 2: 30pm, then that's what I do.

And then you start your business. And when you have a passion business, like being a psychologist where you get to help people, where you get to change lives every day, you love doing that, right? And you want to be there for your clients, you want to be available for them. And then it becomes this whole tug of war between wanting to be there for your kids, specifically, yes, your husband as well, but also for your kids. And wanting to be there for your clients. It was so hard. 

I felt like If I wasn't taking the time off that I wanted to take off, that I was letting my kids down. And if I wasn't there for my clients, that I would let them down. And I was constantly just feeling guilty. So it was the guilt between being there for the kids, being there for my husband - though, he's actually very low maintenance, I was so lucky with him - and then also being there for my clients specifically. And then later on, because my business grew so fast and I started the group practice being there for my team.

As a business owner, once you start to build a relatively large team and you do less clinical work, a big part of your job becomes looking after the team - supporting them, giving them supervision, making sure they don't burn out. Making sure that you are there to help them debrief after a day or after a really difficult client, and just being there for them.

And the thing is, you're only one person. You've got only so many hours in your day, and something needs to give. And I would make conscious decisions, which I would think was, I'm trying to be really logical and rational. I try to plan things out. But I don't know, is it just because I'm a mother and I'm a female and I'm a psychologist, and there's a lot of empathy and heart and soul into everything that I do, and who I am, and my whole identity. As a helping professional, the words have it all - you're there to help and you want to help your clients. You want to help your team. You want to help your community. 

You also want to help your family and you want to help your kids. And there wasn't a lot left at the end of the day to look after me. When you are constantly feeling like you're failing someone in your world, that is really, really hard. Because I would have a day or even a week where I would go - I was amazing this week. I felt so present with the kids. I attended all these school events. We spent all these times together. I was there for, you know, bed, bath, dinner, story time and I feel really good as a Mum this week. 

But then there was always a flip side that it meant that this week I wasn't there for my team in the way that I wanted to be. I didn't show up as the business owner that I wanted to be. And then there was guilt around that. And then I would have a week where I felt like I really rocked it as a business owner, I had such great supervision sessions with my team. I could see the growth in my clinical team members. I gave my admin team a lot of attention, they were so productive. Everything was going so well. Culture's really amazing. But then there was always that other flip side that meant that I wasn't there for my kids in the way that I wanted it to be. 

So as I said earlier, For like 10 years of my life, I was constantly feeling guilty. And guilt is a very, very heavy emotion to carry around at all times. To never feel like you are succeeding at something, and don't get me wrong, I was succeeding. But emotionally I didn't feel like that. I could logically go and and and see - yes, I attended all these school events. Yes, this is what our revenue is  looking like, and we're doing well. This is what the profit is looking like. We're doing well. And the team is growing and we had X amount of clients coming through the doors.

Each client is not just one life impacted, because when the client comes and you can impact their life positively, it has ripple effects in how they go home and impact their family and their kids and their partners and spouses and friends and families. And that's why we become helping professionals to have that ripple effect. But it was never good enough somehow on an emotional level because that guilt was there. The guilt was always stronger than the logical goals that were being met and being achieved. 

When you Wonder If It’s All Worth It

I think a lot of times it's why a lot of group practice owners that I speak with often talk to me about how hard it is. And it's like, yeah, I know.  Each of our experiences are difficult, but I get it. I absolutely get how difficult it is running a group, private practice, running a helping allied health, especially mental health business. We deal with a lot of vulnerable clients and it's so important to therefore be able to support our clinical team as well. I get it.

 I have spoken to a lot of group private practice owners that have told me, you know, Gerda, like at least once a week, I'm just thinking to myself, wouldn't it be easier just to go back to being a solo practitioner? Because I would have less responsibility. I would only be responsible to myself, and my clients and my family. Taking out the responsibility of the team would be such a relief. Because each and every group practice owner that I get to deal with, their team is incredibly important to them. And they need to earn an income, right? So they need to work. So they definitely need to be there for their clients. But they also need to be there for their family.  So I guess what I'm saying is that I get it. I get those moments where you go, let's just go back to being a solo practice owner.

But what I also know to be true is that I am incredibly grateful to myself for having built a group private practice. Yes, it wasn't easy. I wish I could just go back in time and tell myself, Gerda, you are doing an amazing job? Gerda, stop being so hard on yourself. These unrelenting freaking standards that you set for yourself are so unnecessary. But I probably wouldn't listen to myself either, and it's so annoying. I've said this to my own daughter before because she's 22 now. And I've said this to close friends,  if I could go back to myself at 16, 17, 18 and just tell myself, you're a fabulous young girl. Stop being so critical of yourself in terms of your self esteem and your self  confidence, you are a fabulous young lady. But I wouldn't have believed myself, right? And I guess that's just life experience kicking in a bit  late. 

But I'm still recording this, because if you are at that stage where you've got young kids,  and I had young children for a long time. Because I had five to four years between all my kids, which means just when the one is like four or five, I had another young one. And then the middle one was four or five. And then I had another young one. So I had young kids for at least 15 years of my life. I'm not saying that made it harder. That's just the reality of my world. 

And I just wish I could tell my younger self that I'm doing an amazing job. And if I just show up every day and be who I am, that things will work out in the end.  If I had a time machine, and I would go back to that time, I do not think that I would not start my business. Starting my business is one of the best things I did. It has literally changed my life. It has given me the freedom that I wanted it to give me. It just took a long time to get here. And I wish I knew what I know now sooner.

The Importance of Support

The first five years of my business, I didn't have a business coach, and that was probably the hardest five years. Then I had another four very difficult years of working with a business coach where I had to learn a lot of stuff, and undo a lot of things. And there was a lot of change management that had to happen, so that was really, really hard as well. 

I'm not saying that having a business coach took the guilt away. It most certainly didn't. My very first business coach, Nathan, he will tell you the amount of times that I would call him crying on the phone, was absolutely ridiculous. The amount of times that I would see him in person, which was always on a Thursday from 9am to 11am, every week, crying in that session. It was ridiculous. I do feel a bit ashamed to even admit that, but I'm normal. I'm human. But that was my space that I had, I just let it all out as much as I could, and then I pulled myself back together and did what I had to do. 

But even all those opportunities of support didn't just magically take the guilt away. Because I think a lot of that is just part of who we are. There's a lot of underlying beliefs about who we are and who we want to be that comes into place. You know, if you've got that underlying belief and you often feel not good enough - and that doesn't matter what you do, it will never be good enough - that can play havoc in your world. It's so important to be aware of it and to consistently work on it to consistently work on reframing and saying that - today I showed up and I gave what I could and it was good enough.  Remind yourself of that day in and day out. It's why I highly recommend that if you are a business owner, that you have one kick ass person that you get to talk to.

For me, for a really long time, that was my clinical supervisor - the awesome Catherine. She was my clinical supervisor when I needed it. She was my business mentor when I needed it,  because she owns a group private practice as well. And she was my psychologist when I needed it. And she effortlessly offered me when I walked into her console doors, what it is that I needed on the day. And I'm incredibly grateful for her support. So I saw her in addition to having a business coach as well. 

And that most certainly helped me get through those difficult years where I finally got to a place where I was truly able to go -  I've got this, and I'm okay, and you know what, I actually do get to set the rules. Because even though when I started my practice, that was why I started, to have that flexibility to be the one to set the rules, I didn't really act on it. I allowed other people in my world, to still dictate what that was. And I can tell you the day that you are able to confidently step into being okay with setting your own boundaries, and holding the line of those boundaries, that is the day when things start to slot into place.

And it starts to slot into place really effortlessly. But it takes time to get there. And it is my hope that you'll get there way sooner than me. I always tell people that I work with - I've learned through a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. And when I say tears, I mean, tears, a lot of sweat as well. Luckily there hasn't been any blood that I can recall, other than emotional blood . There was a lot of physical sweat. I worked really, really hard and, and a lot of tears as well. And I learned the hard way a lot of times, and that's why I do what I do today. 

So that you do not have to have all the blood, sweat and tears. I'm not saying you're not going to have hard work, right? You're still the one that needs to implement stuff back at the ranch, whether that's at home, whether that's at the practice. But I'm here to tell you what I've gone through, what I've learned, the insights that I've gathered from those periods, so that it can be easier for you.

Know Your Why

And even if it's just slightly easier or much easier, all I want for you is to get there sooner, faster, and with less emotional turmoil. But it's so annoying. Being a mother and a parent is so annoying. Kids come into your world and they just wreak havoc on who you are. That's all I can say. And I don't think I'm a model mother, I am not a model mother because I love my work.  I did not take 12 months maternity leave. I couldn't do it. I take my hat off to anybody that takes 12 month maternity leave. With my first one with Cassidy. I had nine months off which was my longest period of maternity leave - interesting fact I had her straight after honors and she was nine months old when I started my master's of psychology.

And with Heno, Heno was born in December and I started my private practice whilst on maternity leave with him. He was born on the 20th of December. And I officially started the business in February and started seeing clients, I think April maybe. So what's that four, five months. And with Ethan, I had four months off. Ethan was born in 2011. And in September, 2010, I started my second location. I had him in March the next year. So I had more or less four months of him being at home before he started daycare.

And honestly, every time I was chomping at the bit to just get back to work. Because I love what I do, but I love my kids even more. I've got one tattoo on my entire body and that is the names of my three kids. It's on my left arm and it's here where I can see it, because every day when I show up to work, it reminds me of why I do what I do.

I'm a migrant in this country. We came over, the little bit of money we brought over was divided by 10. Every cent we had was gone within the first three months because we came over on a work visa. We had no Medicare, no Centrelink. I had to put Cassidy into daycare and pay full fees because we weren't permanent residents.

We had no money after three months, and it took me around about three months before I actually found a job where somebody was happy to employ me on a work visa, on a non permanent residency visa. So I had a huge responsibility to make sure that I make it in this country. And I think that was part of, you know, that guilt that you bring your family over to a new country, you really start from scratch financially, and you've got no choice. You've got to make it, you need to do whatever it takes to make it. Because it has to work. We didn't leave any safety nets for ourselves back in South Africa. We sold everything. We cut all physical ties, not emotional ties, we still had family, but all physical ties were cut and we just had to make it. And so we did. 

This is an amazing country that we get to live in. It's an amazing country that we get to call home. But it's all those things, and for you, your situation is going to be different. Each of our situations are different. I don't know what the purpose of today's episode is other than. share a bit of the human side of being a business owner with you as well? And I know this might've been, I've just gone into all directions, gone off on a lot of tangents, but I just wanted to openly and honestly share what that experience was like for me.

And your experience is going to be different, but I'm sure there's going to be parts of it that you can resonate with. The main message is that it is hard. And if you're finding it hard, it's not because you're failing. It's not because you're not good enough. It's not because you're not cut out to be a business owner. It's not that. 

It's just, this is the reality of being a Mum that has kids, who you love, who you will give your life to. Whilst also being in a discipline and a profession that you love. And also being motivated to create a better future for your family by building a business.  So I get you, and I've got you.

If you need help at any time, please feel free to reach out. In the show notes of all my episodes there are ways to contact me. And if this episode resonated, just flick me an email and let me know what resonated for you. My email address is gerdam@private-practice-success.com. I would appreciate hearing from you so that I don't feel too embarrassed about having recorded this.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it at that. Thank you so very much for tuning in.  And as always remember, that I'm here to help you build a practice, and therefore also a life, that you can't stop smiling about 😊

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Gerda Muller

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