How to be Kind to Yourself with Guest Kim Stokes

We talk a lot about self-care here on Midlife Unlimited, and it goes way deeper than bubble baths and long lunches with loved ones.

But while we explore the “doing” that is self-care, it can be all to easy to overlook the “being” part of self-compassion – self-kindness.

So I’m delighted to be joined by my guest founder of Kindness for Success coaching and consulting Kim Stokes to examine the difference between self-care and self-kindness.

Kim shares her metamorphosis story from anxiety and corporate burnout to discovering that “we can’t be kind to others sustainably if we’re not kind to ourselves”.

We explore how being unkind to ourselves manifests itself – from our inner critic’s harsh words to not identifying and nurturing our needs. 

Tune in too for insights and Kim’s top tips for how we can start being kinder to ourselves.

And Kim gives details of how she is marking Mental Health Awareness Week with her #24forKindness 24-hour broadcast in aid of Mind on May 11th and 12th.

Connect with Kim

https://www.kindnessforsuccess.co.uk/

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling it like it really is. Nothing is off limits, because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So, welcome to today's episode. Now, we talk a lot about self-care here on Midlife Unlimited, and it goes way deeper than bubble bars and long lunches with loved ones. But while we explore the doing that is self-care, it can be all too easy to overlook the being part of self-compassion, self-kindness. So I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Kim Stokes, founder of Kindness for Success Coaching and Consulting, to talk about how to be kind to yourself. So welcome, Kim. It's fabulous to have you here.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Thank you, Kate, and thank you so much for having me on. And I have to say, I love um, I was listening to a couple of episodes um just this last week and how you describe the midlife maze. Um, I yeah, I love it because it essentially is, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I I remember I've got a vivid memory, I'm gonna sidetrack already, I apologize. Being at Chessington World of Adventures with my little lad who's now 24, he must have been about three or four at the time, and one of his friends, and going into a maze there. And this in my head, the reminder that you keep turning left, and then we got lost. And I remember my friend was up a little bridge and she was going, go this way. That's what it feels like, just going round and round and round in circles. Which way? There's too many ways, whichever way to turn.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

And then doubting, do they sit way? Shall I bomb out?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Yeah, and you can imagine I've got two almost tearful little fellas with me going, we want we want to go and see something else now, mummy. But maze, yeah, I'm glad you agree with it. And at the heart of it all, if we're telling ourselves that we're rubbish, that we're this, that we're that, if we're using phrases that we wouldn't use to our worst enemy, let alone our best friend, we're gonna feel even worse, aren't we?

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Absolutely, absolutely, and so many of us, so many of us do. Um, and I know, yeah, well, we'll we'll come to it, but uh I uh I already sense Kane from the conversation that we had uh prior to this, you and I could probably just go off on a million different tangents and be like seven twiz.

SPEAKER_01 2:56

Well, before we do, obviously, in in the title of what you do, it's obvious that self-kindness is something you're really passionate about. To the point, listeners, that this woman, drum roll please, is about to on the 11th and 12th of May do well, you've done one before, but now 24 for kindness. It's a broadcast marathon in aid of mind. So we're gonna be talking about that. You're gonna be sharing your top tips for how to be kind to ourselves as fabulous women and men in midlife and beyond. Some great advice coming up. I might be flinging my tuppence worth in as well. But let's put this all in perspective. How has this all come about? Talk us through the broadcast. I know you've done one before. You've you've won a doorbell challenge as well. Self-kindness, why why does it matter to you?

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Yeah, it all sounds a bit cryptic, doesn't it? What?

SPEAKER_01 3:52

I love it, I know, I know. We we like a bit of a teaser.

SPEAKER_00 3:56

Keep us soon. So well, absolutely. So um, so I think in terms of the if I just sort of briefly share um about the broadcast, and I know we're going to cover it more um deeply later, aren't we? So maybe reference, so I did so I'm a big um fan of mind, um, you know, mental health charity and all of the work that that you do. Um, I have um my own experiences with you know mental health and mental positive health and and um and the and the not so uh much size. So I suffered quite debilitating anxiety in my early 20s. Um so that was probably when I first came um to know about mind, and I've sort of done some fundraising for them before in in various ways. But um when I was a few months into kindness for success, so December 2024, um, I uh saw a campaign where they were asking people to stream for various um amounts of time, four hours, 15 hours, and 24 hours, each relating to a statistic. Uh and I chose to stream for 15 hours, and that's represents the one in 15 of us that will attempt suicide um uh at a point within our our lifetime, which is still sort of a goosebumps um statistic, isn't it? Yeah. Uh you know, and I think if you just think about the people that you know in your immediate circle, you know, I would imagine for the majority of us that's more than 15 people. So um I ran, I mean, I could probably talk for 15 hours, but that wouldn't be, you know, very enjoyable for listeners. So I invited various people on and we did um, I had someone come on do sort of mindfulness, I had someone do like that the emotional freedom tapping, I had people talking about personal stories, and we raised £2,000 for mind. Now, fast forward to the 11th and 12th of May um this year, and I am going again, but this time, as you mentioned, for 24 hours. Wow. It's kicking off mental health awareness week, so that's hence um when we're doing it, and um, I am being joined by a number of individuals that I'll share more about um later, but but um yeah, uh essentially with with two themes. One is around how we can extend ourselves kindness that isn't bubble baths, and the second is around the importance of kindness within the workplace and and leadership. So my background is HR prior to that. So um yes, so but in terms of not being totally contradictory to um my own mental health or to the self-kindness brand that I have, I am streaming for 18 and then 6. So it'll run from 6 a.m. till midnight on the 11th and then 8am till 2 pm on the on the 12th. So and that's been very deliberate. Um so yes, very, very excited.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

I think that's brilliant. You've actually done that because again, the should could creep in, and you're thinking, well, I've said I'm going to do a 24-hour marathon. I need to sit here and be exhausted, lose my lose my breath, lose my throat. Also, guest-wise, you're gonna be hard pushed unless they're really dedicated to get someone in in the early hours. But I think that's absolutely reflects what self-kindness is all about. No, you do what is work, what will work for you. You start to understand yourself and not not necessarily your triggers, but no, you want to do the best in terms of fundraising, in terms of raising awareness, in terms of accessibility as well. Yeah. So I blinking hats off to you for doing that. I love it. I love it. It is it a video stream? Is it uh, I mean, obviously, we're gonna give the details of how people can listen.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

Yes, but so yeah, so it's um the irony as well, Kate, is that um I'm not uh tech savvy, shall we say? So it's sort of like a bring I know well, even when you think you are, something happens, but um, but yes, this time. So last time I streamed it on on YouTube, this time I'm gonna be using um the StreamYard platform. So it will be streamed to YouTube, LinkedIn, Instagram at at certain parts. Um, and yes, it's got a waiting room and all of these cool cool features.

SPEAKER_01 8:34

I'm gonna be like, hello, coming soon, all sorts.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

Yeah, the uh and also what I'm really pleased about is that um, as I said, because it's and and the reason I chose to do it when I did because it's mental health awareness week, but I realize that you know a lot of people will be at work or will be doing things, so they may not I'm not expecting necessarily massive numbers on the day. Um, but all of the um episodes, essentially, as it were, so all of the speakers are going to be downloaded and available for people to watch um afterwards. And I have been introduced to this most wonderful man who is is helping. He he worked at the BBC as a senior foreign affairs news correspondent for 40 years, and it's and he would do edit all the new stuff. So he is going to do that for me. So while I'm still streaming, he'll be downloading. Can we give him a shout out and around? Peter, he's quite he's very behind the camera, so I won't say his surname because I don't know if he would like it, but um oh, he's amazing. And again, I I I think sometimes I know talk about self-kindness, but you know, that's that was through someone that well, actually, where I'm hosting it at a podcast studio, they're sponsoring me, so I'm not paying to use the podcast studio. So that's that's wonderful patch places in in Twickenham. Um, that the manager said to me, Oh, how are you feeling about it? This was a few weeks ago. I was like, Oh, speakers and the actual event, like, cool, bring it on, can't wait. And I was like, and then she's like, Oh, do you know? You know, and I'm like, No, and then I had we had a coffee, and then before we know it, he's putting all of this time in. It's just wonderful and and very kind.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Oh, absolutely kind, and also you've just epitomized one of the top things I think I talk about with my clients, which is they're like, Oh no, you know, they're giving making all these excuses. I'm like, Well, have you actually asked? You know, you know, and you identify yeah, there's something you can't do. That's the that's one of the first things. Yes, identify what you need, and I know I'm getting slightly off kilter again. Yeah, but once you've identified what you need, there's nothing wrong. What's the worst that can happen? They'll say sorry, we can't, or they won't say they're just studying their own. I can't, but actually, I know you know it takes it takes a bit of I won't say bravery, but it you know, sometimes it can be that kind of oh then it's because you're doubting yourself, you're thinking they're gonna go, who does she think she is asking me for help? No, they won't, they'll probably be absolutely delighted.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

Because if anything, you'll give you building them up by saying they can do something that you can't, and and also I think it's it, you know, I often say to clients as well that yeah, if people oh no, um, you know, I don't want to put people out or or whatever, as you say, they can can only say no, but also sort of turn it around on yourself. And and I think when someone asks us for help or advice, that that makes us feel really good, valued.

SPEAKER_01 11:39

So actually, you know, it's um it's it's a bit of a comp yeah, it's kind of a laid compliment, really. Although although we then get into the you end up saying yes when you really want, but we won't we're not here to talk about yes and no today, we're here to talk about self-kindness, self-compassion. And I I alluded earlier, and so did you, that it the reasons that it means so much to you because you've had a true metamorphosis journey, haven't you? You you've come from what you said, HR. Can you talk us through how you've come to be where you are now and how you've learned self-kindness?

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Yes. So, yes, um, I guess potted um sort of history and intro to me. I am married with two children. I've got my son is 10 and my daughter is seven. Uh, we live in Twickenham in Greater London, and I never thought I would be in the business world. When I was growing up, I always wanted to be a primary teacher. Not really sure why. No, like my parents weren't teachers or anything like that. But um, when it came to uni, I again you're just very impressionable at that age, or I was, and I remember someone's older brother saying, Oh, but if you go and do a four-year bachelor of education, what if you don't want to teach later on? You could go and do a three-year, you know, degree and then do a PGCE. And I'm like, Yes, that's what I'm gonna do. So I went off to Manchester, I did sociology and criminology just because it sounded really cool. Yeah, um, loved that. Um, and I met my boyfriend at the time, and um so I did a PGCE, so I stayed up. I was living in Bolton at the time, and um then I became quite disillusioned actually with the whole like I love the time in the classroom, but everything outside, I mean, I just have the utmost respect for for teachers, my goodness me. Um so so anyway, I was beginning to think that it perhaps wasn't for me, and then a a few things happened, and including I got I got dumped, and you know, you're oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do anymore. And then a couple of very good friends of mine were like, you're traveling, why don't you come? So I'm like, Cool, you know, when you're responsibility free, all of that. So early 20s, I needed to get some cash together to to go traveling. So I got a temp job. Um, and I was just doing admin in in well in PepsiCo and um I it was there. It sounds silly, but I was like, oh, there's this whole part of business that is like the people stuff, like this human resources, like I do. Okay. So I got some cash together and then went off for six months. But I stayed, and by that point I'd thought, oh, it's quite I like the people there, and I like them actually, maybe this business world isn't all bad. So I I I basically stayed in touch and then I came back, and then I did a PA role for a couple of years, and then I had an absolutely brilliant manager, guy called Colin. If he listens to this, he'll be cringing, so I won't say his surname. Um, and he well, he still mentors me from a business point of view today. He's he's salt of the earth, but um, so he sort sort of sported me from a sponsorship, I guess, uh, point of view into HR. So I started as HR assistant and then um moved admin rather and moved my way through, absolutely loved it and had sort of found my calling, so to speak, um, and you know, progressed swiftly. I did all my qualifications, all of those sorts of things. Um and then I got married and had my first child in 2015. I went on Mat leave, and then for various um org change reasons, I was made redundant when I was on maternity leave. So that was uh and I think at that point it was well, A, I'd sort of I stay in a vertical grown up, like career-wise in in that company. I'd been there sort of eight, nine years, so it was all I knew. And so I guess I had, you know, I had quite a lot of I guess confidence challenges then, even though, and again, I had been on the other side of those redundancy conversations, you know, not personal, those sorts of things. But as anyone listening knows, when it happens to you, it absolutely is personal.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Um, so there I was with you know, my son, who was just over one, looking for a new company, looking for a new role. Um, anyway, I moved into um another sort of food and drinks uh company, and I moved more from generalist HR into learning and development, um, and really was like, oh, absolutely, I'm I'm sort of in my zone here, and then stayed there, had my second child, um, and then was loving it. Um, but I got a tap on the shoulder in, I think it was January 22, 21 or 22, I think it was 22, for an opportunity in um a different industry. Um, and it was a director level role. Um, and it was yeah, it was it was a big, it was a big move, so to speak. Um, but it was sort of a no-brainer. Um, so off I went and I don't regret it because met some brilliant people and kind of success probably wouldn't have been born, but actually I knew from an early from very early on that it wasn't my forever company. Um from a sort of culture and values point of view, this organization wasn't um wasn't aligned, shall we say? I was gonna say it didn't align with how no. Um so I guess in terms of how so I was actually had what I now see as a as it was a sort of blessing in disguise. Um I there was a number of the new roles made redundant about 15, 16 months after I'd started there. Um and it was at that point, I I guess I can remember my last day and I was working, I was like doing a webinar in to the like west coast of America. I remember my husband saying, What are you doing? And I'm like, Oh, you know, I need to um so I was working really late, and then um we flew out to Croatia the next day with some friends because it was the start of the summer holidays, and I spent the first like three days in bed. Um and I I thought, oh, I've you know picked something up on the plane um or something, but I know now that it was just my my body just being absolutely no. Um, because as I look back, because I think when you're in it, you can't really see it, can you, or or feel it? But I was um I was exhausted because you know I wasn't sleeping. I was I've touched upon my anxiety before. My anxiety was as bad as it had was getting as bad as it had been. Did that suddenly come on, or was it something that had been there and just snowballed into it more it more snowballed, um and I think it's sort of accumulative because it's sort of a vicious cycle, isn't it? Because you're you're not sleeping, so then you go into your day tied, and then you, you know, I wasn't eating very well. I you know, I was loads, but I was drinking most nights just to be like, oh you know, and today I was not doing any exercise. I was withdrawing from friends because I didn't have time, but also it was I just didn't really, I just didn't want to see people, and I'm a very social person. Um, I was snapping at the kids, like you know, when weekend would come, I wouldn't really want to, I wouldn't want to, they were young, very young then, you know, oh play with me, mommy, it's like I'm two. Um, and then also feeling that I was doing a bad job um at well, you know, at work. So then you're like, oh well, the answer to that is just work into the evenings, and it's um playing catch-up all the time, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 20:16

But yes, but feeling that you're not not putting out fires. I know that's a well-r used phrase, but that feeling that you're trying to do loads of things, but you don't feel and you don't really feel you're doing any of it particularly. I'll use the word well because I mean in terms of the self-judgment kicks in, doesn't it? And you start thinking I'm I'm a rubbish mum, I'm rubbish this, I can't do then everything which one I can't focus on one thing, and I'm trying to do all these.

SPEAKER_00 20:45

Yeah, and it's a horrible feeling, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 20:47

Yeah, and then your mind goes into that overdrive, doesn't it? Of yeah, catastrophizing and what-tipping, and oh this is gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

And the comparison to everybody else heightens, yeah. Um so it's a yeah, it was a very miserable time um and a miserable, I guess, place to be. And um, and I think as well, what you know, I can remember a few months before my my husband saying he could because again, it's easy to see in others, isn't it? Him saying, Kim, you you need to just resign. Um and me say, you know, I can't, you know, I can't like I can't and bills to pay and um all of this, that, and the other. And and I I sort of had what I term a sort of an exit strategy plan for, but you know, it wasn't when sort of the redundancy happened. Um but I mentioned the blessing in disguise. I think eight, you know, number one for my mental well being, but number two, because of the timing of it being at the start of the school holidays, I had already planned, because I thought I would be working, planned for the kids to be grandparents, camps, whatever. So actually, for the first time in goodness knows how long it gave Gave me time and space and and to really think about what I wanted, but but I feel it's and again maybe it's a bit cliche to say, but it it made me a lot clearer in what I wasn't prepared to do.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

And that that is so I mean, I talk about you know my program is is called more, but it's about starting by doing less, and you can't have one without the other. So that is so amazing to hear that that obviously you had that six weeks or whatever as a breathing space, yes, and it is because often you can ask someone what do you want? And then I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 22:39

Yes, it's like particularly when you've been when your brain's in that you're like, I I don't even know if I can I can't make a decision about whether or not a cup of tea or coffee.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

So you know don't give me all these options, don't give me too many choices. I can't cope with too many choices. But if you say what don't you want, doesn't it? Yes, that is well, I don't want this, I don't want yeah, and that so that could be a really good starting point. Would it make sense? Do you think obviously uh your business was born as it is now from that, and kindness and self-kindness became pivotal to everything you do? So would it be sensible? Sensible, sod sensible. Shall we talk about how your business came about and obviously the the mind project as well? Would that make sense? Yeah, yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

So so I think in terms of how just briefly kindness for success came came about, as I mentioned, I had this time, yeah, and initially I was looking and applying for similar type of roles. Um, I I remember I was being very deliberate with the organizations that I was applying to from a culture point of view. Now, of course, you can't ever tell until you're in there, can you? But but you know, either speaking with people that I knew there or class door and looking at their values, um, you know, employee tenure, all of those sorts of things. Um, and there were some really great roles out there, but my heart wasn't in it. And um, I'd always thought, I know this is audio, but so in again, inverted commas, I always thought when I was a grown-up, I would do something on my own from a business point of view. And then I was like, Kim, you are in your 40s, you're married with two children. Maybe this is as grown up as you're ever gonna feel. Yeah. And perhaps now is the time. And I mentioned I had been fortunate enough to have been sponsored by companies to do various, you know, HR qualifications, but what I didn't have was a coaching qualification. And I decided with my redundancy money, I would invest in me. And I did uh my transformative life coaching um um training and and um certification. And when I was going through that, as you know, you have a lot of coaching yourself as well. It was like, oh, this is the time, this is it. And actually, I don't want to go and do it in-house, um, you know, within within corporates um as an employee. What I want to do is I want to support individuals like me before they get to the point that that that I was at. So what I realized over, I guess, this that journey of um sort of becoming qualified was that I had stopped any form of kindness to myself. And that was it, maybe it sounds a bit silly, but that was quite uh ah, yeah, you know, quite a pivotal moment.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

It really is, it really is. You think I mean we say, but I love the fact I always say when you talk about inner critics, the the first step is she ain't you, so name, and mine is Deirdre, you're Gertrude, because people think you're talking to yourself, you're you're not, it's and she's trying to protect you, but you know, at the at the basis, and she can have very different. I mean, they have personality types, yeah. But we won't go down that room now, but we could we could be here all day. It's fascinating, it really is. Yeah, it really is. But the isn't it? It's that thing of don't punish yourself by listening to what she's saying. That is just a real realization, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 26:40

Yeah, and I think actually then it I guess it comes to the self-kindness I I guess tips because I guess I so I realized number one that I hadn't been showing myself any form of kindness, but then the second realization came with um, and it relates to the doorbell thing as well, that actually self-kindness isn't just going to have a bubble bath and like a candle. Now, I'm not saying to be fair, I don't love a bath, I prefer a shower, but anyway, that's by the by. Um, it's it's but that's just a part of self-kindness, and I I and I think there's been a lot of of raps. What's what's the world? I'm losing my words now, but there's been and you mentioned self-care um, you know, at the start, and I think we talk now a lot about oh, you know, self-care and it's really important. Um, and and and I guess for me, I've got a bit of a distinction that's probably worth sharing it now. So so to me, I see self-care as something that is often reactive. So like if you're you know, sometimes you just feel a bit meh, like you're coming down with a cold, and you might think, right, I'm gonna have an early night with some lemon and honey. So you're caring for yourself when something is feel, you know, you're a bit meh. Where self-kindness, yes, is that stuff, but it's also proactive. So it's how you're treating yourself woven into every day, whether it's whether things are good, whether things are really bad or you know, just tinkering on the edge. And and the the I guess the the big piece that I talk about um with clients and and in this sort of I guess self-kindness matrix I've developed is there's the doing side of it, the practical things, but there's also the being side of it. Um, and and that's you know, where you talk there about, you know, Deirdre and Gertrude, that's about um, you know, a smaller micro moment of of kindness, self-kindness on the being side. So is is catching your inner critics. Is me being like, let's say I've overslept and I was gonna go out for a run or something, Gertrude might say, Oh, you silly cow. Um, and yes, that's not that mean a thing to say, but it, but it, you know, then the next thought can be, oh, well, well, you're gonna go running three times this week. Well, you've already screwed that up, and then you get in the shower and you're like, Oh, oh God, and like, and it just sort of sets up your day. Absolutely. Whereas, you know, so I guess the first top, the first tip I would say is catching your inner critic because even now, like, oh, you lazy cow, whatever you've overslept. I can be like, Okay, Gertrude, fine. Do you know what? I need clearly needed the sleep. It's cool. So actually, it's fine. I'll go running this afternoon, or I'll go tomorrow. So it's a really small thing, but sometimes getting just into the habit of noticing and catching our our dear trees and our Gertrude's is absolutely powerful.

SPEAKER_01 29:54

And as you said as well, the the reason why it happened, because even like going to the gym, you can you can beat yourself up if you say, right, I'm going to go three times a week, four times a week, and you don't go one day. But it you've got to look at the why behind it. Did something happen? Were you if you know if you're uh commuting, did something happen there? Did something happen with the kids? Did something happen with your parents? Did something happen with your friends? There's normally a reason. Or you were blinking knackered, and that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly fine to be knackered. So say, right, okay, that happened today, back to it tomorrow. Or am I still enjoying the gym?

SPEAKER_00 30:36

If if the gym isn't, yeah, if it isn't, yeah, sometimes we again in that stuff, well, I should because let's go.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

Yeah, ditch the shoulds. Let's go dancing instead. Let's find something that will make you want to go, right? I want to do this.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

Yes, exactly. Or yeah, arrange to go walking with a friend or yeah, or something like that. So so yes, and I think so, um, and I guess that I know we've cut touched on this doorbell thing a couple of times. So um, so I guess that came about as so for I imagine a number of your listeners will probably be familiar or of um Simon Squibb. So Simon Squibb is um well, he he's best known for like his book What's Your Dream? He's um a hugely successful entrepreneur and I guess serial entrepreneur. Um if you're listening, Simon, probably that's not the best bio you've ever been given. But um anyway, he's uh he is super passionate about supporting um other uh founders, particularly in their early stages, from reaching their dreams. And he'll go if you Google him on YouTube or whatever he goes around, people with a roving mic being like, What's your dream? And someone will say, Oh, yeah, I want to be a fashion designer, and he'll be like, Here's 500 pounds, my wife's coming to a ball with me next week, design something, you know, and then suddenly they do him five. Anyway, so he realized that there's only one of him, so he could go around with his microphone, but he can only happen, you know, help however many people. So he thought I'll be cool to do it in a different way. So he introduced something called the doorbell, and the first one installed, there's a few across the world now, um, was actually where I live in in Twickenham, and it literally is like a ring doorbell.

SPEAKER_02 32:28

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 32:28

And you go and you press the doorbell, and then you've got 60 seconds, and you pitch like an elevator pitch type thing, but it's a doorbell.

SPEAKER_01 32:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 32:36

So you pitch to the doorbell basically what your dream is to um to Simon Squibb, and um, they were doing a call out on International Um Women's Day to invite people to the doorbell, and I thought, well, it's around the corner, I can't not. So I rocked up, and it said be creative as well. So I was like, right, so I rocked up in a cold car park on a Sunday morning with my dressing gown, um, shower cap and a bath loafer, and I did um my pitch and uh you know basically talked about self-kindness not being about bubble baths. So there's this shot where I go, no, Simon, it's not about bubble baths, and I like whip my um so anyway, I won. Um so they choose sort of a pitch. So I won a thousand pounds for the business and um a coaching session with him, which I had at the end of March. So um, so yes, and and I guess obviously it was amazing to win, and you know, you do these things. And well, again, it's probably Gertrude telling me, well, you're not gonna win. Um, but it was a very pleasant surprise, and um I but I guess the the thing that has been most instrumental, I guess, to to me and to kindness for success is that he believes in my mission and the importance of it. So, because you all know, like when you're doing your own thing, you again, like in anything, you get days where you're like, What on earth am I doing?

SPEAKER_01 34:18

And I still, I still do, I still do, even after years of doing the work. But as I there's nothing, like you just said, that moment when you realise they get me. Yes, they get me. Yes. And it's that not that we're looking for validation anymore, because we know that it's not about other people telling us, oh, we're great, it's about us believing we're great. Yes, and we can be greater because I'm all about perfect imperfection. My other half keeps saying, you know, would you like to know everything? Would you he goes I would. I said I wouldn't, because I'm boring. Yeah, I don't want to know, I don't want to be good at everything because otherwise I'd be sitting there going, now what? Whereas now I might now I rub my hands in glee and go, oh now what? Now what? Try to not be a magpie. I do, I do have all I know.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

I think particularly when okay, I remember my the first kind of success turn two earlier this month, two years, but in the first few months it is gonna do this, particularly then with the novelty of I've been in the big corporate machine for almost 20 years, and of course, you know, it's you have objectives and you have your and you work this certain way of say, Oh do I can do that? But then you soon realize, okay, but don't just throw spaghetti at the wall and you know, yeah, something sticks. So there is a reason for all the you know the strategy and XYZ.

SPEAKER_01 35:41

But uh there was a great quote from my previous guest, Emma Hein, who you may well know, and she she loves saying, just because you can do something, it doesn't mean it's necessarily the thing that you need to be doing. I almost said should. I think there is a should in that quote somewhere, but I ditch the shoulds because I don't do shoulds. Yeah, just because we can doesn't necessarily mean it's it's the best option.

SPEAKER_00 36:03

No, you know, as well, and there was one point, and then we come back on because it's a slight digression, but I think relevant was one of the when I have my coaching session with with Simon, one of the pieces that we were talking about is I guess where I struggle with it within the business is I um sales. Sales is not a strength of mine in terms of the actual, you know, doing like marketing, fine, um, strategy, fine, making relationships, fine, like you know, all of that stuff. And actually, he was like, but don't, you know, you could spend ages trying to learn sales and still maybe not be that good at it. Whereas your, he was like, You've got the mission, you've got like all this credibility, you were in HR for so many years, you could build relationships, bring someone on to do the sales. You don't have to learn how to like, you know, so it's sort of that. I mean, there's the whole then, okay, you know, being able to sort of, you know, K to have, you know, someone else on board. But anyway, so that sort of expanded my um thinking. And actually, it does lead me on to so I know I shared what sort of shared one tip so far. I guess another tip in terms of self-kindness, which is a much, I guess, sort of deeper one, it is on on the again on the being side, because I think that's what we don't think about so much, but it's more not a micro, it's a macro, so bigger, is taking some time for um for your own personal growth. And I think particularly around midlife. Now, what that looks like for every individual listening will be different, but you know, it it might be coaching if you're feeling in the that you know, the maze and whatever way you turn, and you've I don't know, your identity's not you don't know what it is and your purpose, but it might be that you know, you've always wanted to learn to, I don't know, speak mandarin or um do upholstery, um you know, or or it might be actually there's been something underlying that that you could do with working with a therapist to you know process and uh and unpick and and and so to me that's you know months of um personal growth and and also it might be tough as well, but that is a huge act of kindness to me.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

Absolutely. And I know when I when I started out, it there was still a huge stigma around the whole idea of life coaching. Um, and I'm delighted to see that it it is becoming easier for me to explain what I do to women, well, and men as well. But do you know what I mean? It was like, oh no, I don't want to tell and I don't want to tell anyone. When you go to the states, everyone's like, hey, go and work with so and so, they're bloody bloody.

SPEAKER_00 39:06

Absolutely, they all have a therapist, they all have a coach.

SPEAKER_01 39:10

Whereas trying to get you know, uh even a testimonial, you feel like you're oh, you know, I know it's embarrassing to say. Yeah, no, I've helped you transform, let's tell the world that's part of it. Let's go and celebrate. Woo!

SPEAKER_00 39:26

Absolutely, absolutely, yeah. So, um, so yes, so that's um I would really encourage people to even if they're like, oh, I don't know what that would look like for me, have a think, you know. Yeah, explore. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:43

I love that. I love that. No, I I'm looking at the topics that you're going to be covering as well. I know we're gonna be talking about that in a minute. At the um the it's not say phone in, it's not a phone in, it's a broadcast because you've got so many people coming on as guests as well. So is is there uh another top tip, or should or do you want to? I do.

SPEAKER_00 40:02

I see my third top tip, should I share that now? Is um, and this is um around this is more of a doing one and what I call in the middle. So it's not a micro moment, it's not a big macro, it's midi. Um, and this is blocking out an hour for you at any point in your week, or it might be a couple of times, two or three times a week, and not giving it away to anybody else, and not feeling, you know, if someone says, Oh, can you come along to this or can you do this? You don't have to have uh, you know, a Pilates class booked where you don't have to be, it might and and for goodness sake, don't fold the laundry or you know, clean the house or do whatever, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 40:49

Yeah, yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

And again, we can and it's not, you know, but actually it might, you know, go for a walk, read a book, knit. Do you know what? On the day, it might be that you do know what there's been a pile of trap in the corner of the spare room that I've been wanting to sort for ages. Fine, if that's what you want to do in the hour, but just protect that hour the same way you would if it was a a meeting. Um, and and and signpost. So I think it's it's about role modelling these things as as well. To yes, for people that have got children to kids, but also, you know, in the workplace to your, you know, to teams, to colleagues. Um there's again this whole um you know, thought about oh, it's you know, it's selfish. No, it's it's the absolute opposite. And I don't like to use the analogy because it is so overused, but it is so spot on. It's that the whole oxygen mask, because what I found was I I can't sustainably, which is a key word, I can't sustainably be there for those most important to me if I'm not showing myself kindness first. And it isn't it's not selfish, it's not I'm doing things for me at the expense of others. They benefit absolutely, absolutely that they benefit because they get a happier worker, mum, wife, friend, whatnot. But also then, yeah, the role modeling. That no, it actually, yeah, I'm taking time for for me. Sometimes it might be a run, sometimes it might be reading a book, sometimes it's going for dinner with a friend, sometimes it's sitting and you know, thinking through some things. Um, yeah. So I mean, we can I can always recap those three because I know they've sort of been um woven um through our pop in the show notes, but um yeah, no, well let's let's let's quickly recap a minute if you've got them to hand, because I think as I say, it was a micro, a macro, and a MIDI, and I love that.

SPEAKER_01 42:54

I love the way you've done that. So the micro top tip.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

So the micro top tip is catching your inner critic. So, and maybe if you haven't known, you know, if you haven't got a Gertrude or a Jree, um to catch it and perhaps you know, reframe. The MIDI was blocking out time for you and not giving it away. Um, so that was the one that we just did, and then the macro was around exploring taking time for you from a personal growth point of view, whether that's um, like I say, a passion that you've always wanted to do or try a new hobby, whether it's coaching, um, whether it's therapy, but something that is about you um and your future. So that's uh a micro, media, macro top tip for from me.

SPEAKER_01 43:51

Love it. Well, do you know what? I think the logical threat thread here would be we'll give our contact details, your contact details in a minute, and obviously. Anyone that thinks they'd like to find out more about working with Kim. Also, we're going to be giving all the details of your 24-hour broadcast. But first, I'm going to ask the three questions that I ask each of my fabulous female guests. Then we'll loop back to your contact details because I think that'll make more sense. And I'm worried that I might get so carried away because I'm so excited about your broadcast, I'll forget to ask you your three questions. So that sounds good.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 44:28

Let's go into the first question. And any reasons and stories behind them would be amazing. First question: What is your midlife anthem?

SPEAKER_00 44:41

So, as ever, probably like I have two, if I may. If I have to answer two. So, well, my favourite song of all time is Whitney Houston, I want to dance with somebody. And I still have very vivid memories of my mum having it on, blasting it out, and like I think her hoovering and me and my sister like dancing. Um, it was I wanted it at the first song as my wet at my wedding, but wasn't allowed. So I had it at the second, so pushed the husband up and came with my friends. So that is my yeah, I that's my happy song. But from a midlife anthem, it is Top Loaders Dancing in the Moonlight.

SPEAKER_01 45:26

Oh brilliant tune, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 45:29

And and um that for it started, I guess, when I was doing probably A levels, but but more vivid memories um at uni before any exam. I would the last thing I did was put that on, you know, again as loud as possible and literally dance and jump around. And either, you know, driving tests, um do you know. So still now, if I've got something that I've you know, it's one of those songs that those first couple of notes.

SPEAKER_01 46:00

Yes, yes, I've got it in my head now. I've got it in my head now.

SPEAKER_00 46:04

Yeah, so that is yes, so um good old Whitney and um Top Laders uh Dancing in the Moonlight.

SPEAKER_01 46:13

Good choices. Well, now leads us into your midlife mantra.

SPEAKER_00 46:21

So this one I was like, oh, it's like I I I like went all over the shop. I had uh screw bubble baths, was was um um but no I landed on self-kindness full stop but like the red full stop, self-kindness full stop.

SPEAKER_01 46:42

That's good. I could I can see a t-shirt. I think I think you need the merch. I do need the merch. Yeah, yeah. Well, I now then thinking is this going to link in with the title of your autobiography?

SPEAKER_02 46:59

I think so.

SPEAKER_00 47:00

So again, I was like, oh, and I was playing around. Um and I have two. I have one, it's maybe a bit too vanilla, but kindness and me. So but no vanilla can be there's a space, right? Yes, there's a space. Um, and then the second is redefining my all um with the my in capital letters. And I know we haven't explicitly talked about this, but part of the work that I do is around sort of ditching this notion of having it all that you know we've all been sort of you know grown up with, and instead defining and living your all. Um, and self-kindness is is the enabler of that. So redefining my all, and there'd probably be a little tagline.

SPEAKER_01 47:52

Um, that's I love that because again, we've talked about ditching the shoulds, we've talked about the whole fear of judgment, not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy enough, comparisonitis. That just that phrase does a middle finger up to all that, doesn't it? And go, I don't want to. Yeah, yes. Wasn't it that that whole be unique? No, there is only one of us, she's bloody fantastic, and this is what you need and want more of in your life.

SPEAKER_00 48:20

Love it, absolutely right.

SPEAKER_01 48:23

Over to you now. How can listeners get in touch with you? Tell us all about the 24 for 24 for kindness. Yeah, hashtag at the front.

SPEAKER_00 48:35

Yes, so I guess how to get in touch with me. So um uh depending where people like to sort of hang out on Instagram, I'm kindness dot for dot success. The for is F-O-R. Um, I'm on LinkedIn, Kim Stokes, S T O K E S. And then I've got my website is kindnessforsuccess.co.uk. Um, so nice and simple. On my website at the moment, I have got a 24 for kindness landing page, which we'll have in the notes as well, that has got all of the information for the um the stream, it's got details of all the speakers, the times they're going to be on, how to donate and and how to join. So, shall I give? I'm very, very excited. So I have, well, I've sort of lost count now because I think I've now got 28 speakers because I've got a couple of them are panels. Um, but just as a as a recap, this is for mind, mental health, the 24. So remember, I touched upon the reason for the 15 hours before. So the 24 represents the 24 million times mind's resources are accessed every year. 24 million. So, I mean, that just shows how needed the work that they do is. Um, and again, with that, you know, we're not going to get uh too political, but we all know the state of I guess funding for mental health services and things is not and the waiting lists is not great. The waiting list, exactly. Um and so I am streaming for the 24 hours, remember, 18 plus six. And the I have invited guests on who are obviously then, you know, they're not being paid um to come on. They're doing this because they believe in um, you know, the cause and the mission. And there's two themes. One is around how we're showing ourselves kindness that isn't just bubble baths, um, and the second is around uh, you know, kindness. I talk about in my LinkedIn newsletter, kindness isn't soft. So as a as a foundation to you know, well-being at work, leadership, um, and all of those. So I have um, so from I am just flicking through actually some photos I have on my phone now from all of the different social media bits I'm doing. But I have got parents, so I've got parenting experts, so I've got um Anita Clear, who is author of um, well, she's written a couple of books, but the one I'm excited to talk to her about is how to get teenage how to get your teenager back out of their bedroom. I have got um Nikki Lowe, who is founder of Wisdom for Working Mums. So she talks about navigating work um and motherhood without burning out. I have got Rosie Nixon, who was um former editor-in-chief of Hello magazine, um, who now does reinvention all around midlife um reinvention. I have got Gifty Enright, who wrote a book I love called Octopus on a Treadmill. What an image is that! I've got it now.

SPEAKER_01 52:00

Yes, it looks a bit like me on a treadmill.

SPEAKER_00 52:04

So she talks very uh, you know, about women and success um within the workplace. I have got um Graham Orcott, who is an author of a book called Quiet, the kind, no, kind, sorry, the quiet power of kindness within the workplace. Um, and then I've got Zoe Blasky, who is um founder of Motherkind um podcast. And again, she's she's written a book. Um, and many, many more. I'm feeling like now, like there's like I say, there's so many. Um Nikki Dans and Elliott.

SPEAKER_01 52:41

Um I'm so excited. No, no, no, I was gonna say all your details are in the show notes, and you've got your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. So anyone, if you're listening on Spotify, for example, if you tap the links, um Kim's links, it will take you straight through to your website where I'm guessing as new people come, you know, if it's updated between the time of recording and the time of the um we come out on the 7th, and it's the 11th and 12th of May, isn't it? So is the best thing for anyone wanting to tune in to go via your website?

SPEAKER_00 53:17

Yes. So via my I was um there's a there will be a there's a stream yard link which um yeah people can click and then they can join, they can join through that way. Equally from the tech non-savviness that I have, there will they could join directly through LinkedIn or or YouTube. But yes, head to the website and then the the details will be um will be there. Um and they'll be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 53:45

I will be posting, yeah. I'll be posting with any links as well. We'll be having a video podcast that'll go on the YouTube channel. So you won't be able to miss out, listeners. Don't you worry.

SPEAKER_00 53:54

No, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 53:56

Yay! So excited. Oh and listeners, I'd love your feedback on our conversation today. What resonated with you? What would you like to find out more about? So leave a review. Um, and you can email or text me via the link in the show notes, too, where you can come and join the uh Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Um, and you'll find the website where obviously Kim's profile is. You can find out more about me, um, and how you can work with me as well, either one-to-one or with more my all-in-one coaching program. That the doors are now open for the next intake. So, thank you for joining me, Kim. It's been an absolute pleasure. I'm so excited for you. Um, thank you for listening. I look forward to having me, Kim. Oh, my pleasure. I look forward to you all tuning in next week because don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So here's the being fabulous and flourishing together and living midlife unlimited. Thanks, Kim, and good luck for it. Break a leg. What do we say these days? Break a microphone. No, don't do that. Bye. Bye.