How to Give Yourself Permission with Guest Jeanette Couldry

Do you feel like you are waiting…for someone to say it’s ok to do it..

To feel certain.. To feel ready?

How often do you talk yourself out of something with the phrase… I really shouldn’t

Then add a “What would they say?” or “I haven’t got time”. Making excuses to yourself again and again.

With so many things changing in our lives, midlife really is the time to take stock

To start asking ourself why we are making these excuses. To quit guilt-tripping ourselves!

If this resonates, then this episode is just for you

Because I’m delighted to be joined by my guest Jeanette Couldry, who coaches women to be self-sufficient, to talk about How to give yourself permission.

Tune in for our insights and lessons learned as we've navigated our Midlife "sandwich", overcome people pleasing behaviour and fear of judgement and ditched the guilt to start giving ourselves permission to live our Second Spring OUR way. 

Connect with Jeanette

https://www.facebook.com/jeanette.couldry

https://www.instagram.com/jeanettecouldry5/

https://www.tiktok.com/search?q=theclaritycompass&t=1777298

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeanette-couldry-ab477212/

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling it like it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So, welcome to today's episode. Now, do you feel like you're waiting for someone to say it's okay to do it? To feel certain, to feel ready. How often do you talk yourself out of something with that phrase, I really shouldn't, and then add, what would they say? And I haven't got time. Making excuses to yourself again and again. With so many things changing in our lives, midlife really is the time to take stock, to start asking ourselves why we're making these excuses, to stop guilt tripping ourselves, and to get to the bottom of these stories we're telling ourselves. So if this resonates, this episode is going to be just for you. Because I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Jeanette Cauldry, who coaches women to become self-sufficient to talk about how to give yourself permission. So welcome, Jeanette. It's fabulous to have you here. Oh, thank you, Kate. It's great to be here. Thank you. Giving ourselves permission, I think that was a natural convers, uh a natural choice of topic for our episode, wasn't it? Because it's something that we've both been on this journey, for want of a better word. And learn and it's something you have to learn, flexing that permission muscle, learning to give ourselves permission and get off that guilt trip express. Absolutely. It's difficult, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 2:16

I think it's really tough. I think we're conditioned from a very early age, aren't we? Um we're not taught to give ourselves permission, but we're taught to cope. And I think very early on, um, we are praised for being kind, helpful, reliable, all beautiful qualities to have. But actually, sometimes we really neglect ourselves because of it.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

No, absolutely. And to, I mean, I talk a lot about signposts, and it is, you know, we follow the signposts, we do what's expected of us, don't we? And I think sometimes we can feel if we haven't achieved these relevant signposts and milestones, we can almost start berating ourselves for that. But when you get to midlife, I know for me it's a really a matter of, I say, taking stop, like I said in the intro, but then really starting to question, because there's nothing wrong with that. To question and to look at why we're making ourselves feel guilty. And the thing that's so powerful for me, this word, I said, I do we feel certain? Are we sure? No, never certainty, it only comes. I always forget, I need to, I must Google who actually blinking said it because I always I think I falsely attribute it to Obama, but certainty only comes with hindsight. It was probably Aristotle or something that said it. Yeah, and it's absolutely it's true. There's no guarantee. No, absolutely no guarantees. And how often have we thought, I ain't gonna do that because I I I can't be sure, or I don't feel ready again and again. We're we're just putting these blocks, whether they're mental blocks or sometimes physical blocks. Sometimes we'll actually create things for ourselves to do, we'll take on responsibilities that particularly now. I mean, we spoke before in our pre-chat. I mean, we've met as well, we've known each other for ages, but sandwich generation, caring for parents, caring for relatives.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

It all eats into our time, doesn't it? It does, and I think you know, success society expects us to be like a 24-7 caregiver, don't they? But the uh the bank account expects a nine till five income, and you know, there's a lot of expectations and a lot of change at our time in life, too, isn't there?

SPEAKER_00 4:39

Absolutely. Now, I'm absolutely delighted that you're going to be sharing your insights really. They're not necessarily well, they are tips as well, but for how to start giving ourselves permission. But for listeners that don't know you, can we can we share a bit of your own metamorphosis journey, how you got to be where you are now, and how giving yourself permission, the role that's played really, because I I think knowing you, I think it's played quite a big role, hasn't it?

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I sort of spent uh years in corporate, uh, stopped working to have my family, went back into the workplace once school was done, and then um I lost my job after lockdown, and then sort of started thinking about what I wanted to do next, but still, you know, still as a in a role of like caregiver, and then unexpectedly, very unexpectedly, a year ago, my husband became seriously ill. Um, culminating in November last year with a severe stroke. Uh, he's still in hospital, uh, he's on the point of discharge into the next stage of his care and rehab, but it it's been left to me to pick up that role of of provider for the family. Um, Nick was self-employed, he had his own business, um, and and that's no more, so there's been nothing to fall back on. So giving myself permission has been essential because I I've had to, um, and I'm still very much on my journey. And it's been a I I would say that I'm a very different woman to the one that I was a year ago.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

No, I say completely as you say this we talk a lot about control and and learning, learning to accept what we can't. I always think that sounds like an AA meeting, but learning to accept what we can't control, and life does have this ability to throw shit at us, doesn't it? But it is all about how we react to that, and I say the excuses we make, whether we get on that guilt train. But guilt must have been, and I would have thought, something that you've really been not struggling with, but having to come to terms with you can't be in two places at the same time. And I know I feel that with my dad to a certain extent, yeah. You know, he's in a home, and I I know some days when I'm there, I feel I should be somewhere else, particularly if he's asleep while I'm reading. But then I think, hang on, no, this is a magical moment, and there are so many people out there that would literally bite my arm off to have another half an hour with their mum or dad. Don't be a selfish cow. And then it's like when you're not there, you think I shouldn't be recording this pod. Yeah, yeah. And I hate the shoulds, get rid of them, ditch them, but they still I am the queen of ditching the shoulds, but they still my little deirdree, my inner critics still sitting there going, Well, really, Kate, why are you recording a podcast? You need to be over there, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

All the time, all the time, and and you have to block out that noise. And I've got some tips that can help, but it's it's you know, there's lots of people that want to give you helpful advice as well, isn't there? And sometimes it's not always helpful. Um, every everyone's got an opinion, haven't they? All the time, all the time, although and and most of the time they do want to help, but actually, you don't always want to listen to it, and you've got to do what's right for you. And I'm with you on that. If I'm at home, if I'm sitting watching the TV, I think oh perhaps I should really be at the hospital. Um, but I I have to be really strict with my time and about how b because otherwise you spread yourself so so thin, don't you? And you're no good for anyone then.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Well, absolutely. I mean, you know, it's literally you can't do everything. No, you really can't. No. And you suffer as well because again, if you if you feel like you're not giving your all to everything you feel you need to, I'm not making much sense, but I know what I mean. If you try if you spread yourself so thin, you just feel even worse because you think, actually, Kate, I'm not making a good effort of anything now. I I've just taken on too much and I'm berating myself. I'm letting the inner critic, deirdree, have her say more and more. And at the end of the day, I just want to crawl into bed now. I've I've had quite enough. I've had enough of this.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

Yeah, absolutely. And I think you just you have to think about what what what's the most important, but you know, start to recognise the small things that you achieve every day and not the things that you don't achieve every day. No, that is so. I mean, would that be your first tip, do you think? I d I only heard that this morning from someone, but it really resonated for me. But yeah, I've got a few tips, and some of them I think you've already spoken about, but I love a recap. I love a recap, we can explore them deeper. Yeah, my first tip stop worrying about what other people think. I think we stop ourselves doing things because we are so concerned about judgment, criticism, and I think the reality is, Kate, that people are usually far less focused on us than we think.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

Absolutely. I mean, my I'm gonna be asking your midlife mantra later on, but mine for years throughout my metamorphosis has been let the judges judge. And as you say, yeah, as you say, for two reasons. A, letting them get on with it. I haven't got the time to waste worrying any. I spent too many years worrying about other people were thinking about me. And secondly, in reality, I'm actually not that interesting, and they've got their own stuff to be worrying about, so they're probably not even judging me anyway. It's only my own insecurity and my own lack of self-worth and my own, you know, or I I don't know that uh that's what's causing it.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

It does, and and I and again, I I think I've been sort of quite conditioned to to to worry about what people think of me. And for years I've worried about what people think, but actually, but people don't care, they've got enough going on in their own lives.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Yeah, you know everything, isn't it? It's not just what's going on. If you if you turn on the TV, if you turn on the radio, you almost want to turn it straight off again. You're like, oh, for goodness sake.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

I know I can't listen to anything else, I can't listen to any of it. So that would be my first chip, Kate. The second one is some advice that a friend gave me again quite recently, and that's you don't have to tell people any more than they need to know. And this is coming from an oversharer, and I do overshare.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

I do, and still, after all the work I've done to myself, and I'll let you tell more, but I just need to share this. I need to overshare the main time that I I won't guilty, yes, I was guilty of doing it, is the whole thing of saying no, because the old me, I used to go, right? No, I need to take some time back. I don't, I really this this thing I've been asked to do, it doesn't fit with what I want to do. So I'm gonna say no. So you say no, and then you start making giving them reasons why you've said no, because this whole guilt trip and fear of judgment's creeping in, and before you know it, you've actually talked yourself round and you say yes. It's like, talk about oversharing. It's like, oh, okay, I will do it. No, so yeah, oversharing, absolutely. They don't need to know, do they?

SPEAKER_01 12:06

No, they really don't. I feel that when somebody asks me a question, I have to give them a very full and complete answer. Actually, you don't. You really don't, because I always feel exhausted when I keep answer answering the same questions. So you're you're creating a boundary for yourself, aren't you? You're conserving that energy. And yeah, I'm I'm taking that one with me. That was a very good friend that shared that. Lead them wanting more, be mist uh a woman of mystery. So the next one is permission is an inside job. I think so many of us wait for somebody to say it's okay, go on, go for it. And that rarely happens, it's got to come from you.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

No, absolutely, absolutely. But I talk about you know, giving yourself a permission slip, saying, Yes, we can do this, and adding, because if you say you're worrying about what ifs, what this could happen, could I mean I I love now positive catastrophizing. The old me was the queen, was the queen of catastrophizing. But now I say, no, if we're if our mind is set this way, and I do think you do have tendencies, and mine definitely is to catastrophise, but positive catastrophizing really is yes, ask what's the worst that can happen, but in a positive way, and then prepare for it.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

I like that positive catastrophizing. I don't know if I could I don't know if I catastrophise, but I definitely, when I think about things too much, I go down rabbit holes and it's really not good. I can spend hours down a rabbit hole.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

And that's it that's as good as making yourself an excuse, isn't it? And then those hours, those hours that you've been procrastinating and going down that rabbit hole, you could actually perhaps have started taking small steps towards doing the thing that you were talking, you were thinking about.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

And it is, it's that old thing, isn't it? Yeah, procrastination is the thief of time. And it really truly is. You think about all the other things that you've got to do, and you think, oh no, I spent hours doing this. Hours. So that is positive catastrophizing, I think, is a good one. Um you are never gonna be ready, and it's never gonna be perfect, you know. So just do it anyway. Um, because there's never gonna be a perfect time and it's never gonna be right, ever.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

No, absolutely. I mean, I I wear my crown proudly as the queen of taking perfectly imperfect action because it you're absolutely right, absolutely right. And that waiting, think of what you're missing out on.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

Uh I and I'm so and I'm so guilty of it. I'm so so guilty of it. Just I I won't swear, but it is. It's just like do it. Go for it. Just go for it. And that takes me on to you know, just take one small step. Doesn't need to be big, doesn't need to need to be dramatic. It's that whole what is it? Activation is motivation. I sometimes remember little phrases that people say to me, and it and it helps me, but it just it doesn't have to be big and it doesn't have to be perfect. It it can be small and imperfect.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

I mean, I I I don't like mistakes, I like missteps really. I think you know, it's I'm all about the words, but you're absolutely right. When we set ourselves a goal that is just too big, that can almost get us worrying again that we ain't we ain't gonna do it. And then before you know it, you're like, Well, I I won't be able to do it anyway, so I'm not gonna even start. Because you're absolutely absolutely overwhelmed by it all, aren't you?

SPEAKER_01 15:36

Because you just defeat us before you even start it. Yeah. And the next thing is something that you've already touched on, but I I think you have to accept that life is gonna throw you lemons, and you absolutely can't always change a situation, but you can certainly choose how you respond to it.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

That is absolutely so true.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

And yeah, I I think I think I sort of felt with Nick's illness that you know I I really could have just chosen to have just done nothing and just felt sad about it, and I do feel sad about it, but actually I've chosen to that I've I've got to do something about it, and I want to do something about it, and that keeps me going because I've got a family that I've got to think about and I've got a I've got a life as well. Um and actually it it's been life-changing in so many ways. I've sort of never knew that I could respond in the way that I have.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

That's so true, isn't it? It's like the choice of victim or victor. And it's our joint friend Andrea Rainsford, that's a phrase that she uses in her episode last year. She, you know, you have the choice in life. Am I going to be a victim of whatever it is that's happened to you? Or am I gonna take hold of it and change because of it, take control of it rather than it taking control of you? I mean, we talked about control earlier, and you're absolutely right as well. All these things that happen to us, if we focus on the things that we can control, then we can we can abate, if that's the right word, that feeling of being out of control. Because it's when we focus too much on the things outside our circle of control that we're then like, I can't do anything about this, and that whole overwhelm and just like what's the point comes on.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

Absolutely. And I think Andrea's an amazing example of what can be overcome and how to turn your life around. She's she's outstanding. Um, I'm lucky enough to call her a friend. Um, so my next tip is don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. Yeah, because I think you know who you can trust, you know who you can rely on, and getting help can create so much relief and space for you. And it's something I've had to learn to do in the last year. I've never been good at asking for help, and I have done, and it's been yeah, I've been so lucky, it's been amazing, and it's it's helped me so much.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

No, that's absolutely, and I I think it's twofold as well, isn't it? It's first actually sitting there and thinking, right, what do what do I need to do? Yeah. What parts of what I need to do do can I not do on my own, or do I need more information about, do I need more support? But then I think almost more difficult is once you've sorted out what you need to do, what you want to do, as you say, it's asking for that help. And that can be bloody scary because you think, well, I don't you don't, as you say, we're conditioned not to, we're conditioned for it to be seen as perhaps a weakness to ask for help, or that we become a burden to other people in the same way that other people might have become not a burden to us, but we're thinking you know, the the we're trying to take back our time, and then at the same time, we're imposing on other people to try and take some of their time. But I think people listening, you'd be amazed if you ask. There's nothing wrong with asking. Again, what's the worst that can happen? If you're sending an S uh leaving a voice note or a message, don't leave me a voice note, please send me a DM. Generally, I don't I'm not a big fan of what wasn't aimed at you. That was generally, I like to read, I like I'm a I'm a visual person.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

No official person.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

Um, but uh yeah, if you don't necessarily get a response, either fair enough. I mean, I always tend to do a little sorry no, but here's someone it can help you perhaps, or whatever. But not everyone's got the time for that, or not everyone's got the inclination, or they might think they have replied and they haven't, or they've got so much stuff going on in their life that they're really not ignoring you, they just probably saw it, thought, oh, I'll respond to Kate and Jeanette later on.

SPEAKER_01 19:57

And they forget.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Yeah, and we do forget. I forget things, I forget things. If I don't put it in my phone, and sometimes I put it in my phone, if it gets lost in the massive to da list that is my crazy life, the worst with me is if I'm doing a chat like this, not not not with a client, but if it's like a virtual cup of tea or something, and it's their link, not my link. And if I haven't put it in my diary, and then suddenly you get this message going, Oh what I'm in the what you know, I'm in the Zoom chat, and I'm like, sorry, who yeah, oh dear.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

But I think do you know, I think though, help can come from very unexpected expected places, can't it? You know, when you put it out there, you think and and also I know that there's I've got friends, and some friends are perfect for certain things and others for other things, or you know, they might know somebody that can do something. It's been yeah, just put it out there, don't be embarrassed.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

Don't be embarrassed, absolutely, absolutely. And talking about friends briefly, before you go on to your next tip, I would like to say we talk about it a lot, but giving yourself permission can apply to friendships and relationships, and that's a much deeper conversation. But I thought I'd just fling it in because now is a good time. Because giving yourself permission to me, a big part of that is letting go, yeah, letting go of what is no longer serving you, and friendships and relationships that run their course do fall into that, and I say I I've opened up a big can of worms there, but uh I just thought, no, that came into my little head, and I thought I'd put it out there. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

And because actually it you just don't have the time. No, um, you don't have the energy. Um, perhaps they might be something you go back to at another time, perhaps uh perhaps it's just been for a certain period of time in your life. I I I don't know, but yeah, certainly. Things do run their course. Um and don't feel well, actually, it takes me on to my next tip. It is like let go of the guilt. Just let go of the guilt. You could you can't carry it because you're carrying so many other things, you can't do it. Um and you know what, putting yourself first, putting your family first, it's not selfish, it's it's necessary, you've got to do it.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

No, absolutely. I mean, you know, forgiveness is is flung around, isn't it, quite a lot. But I I'm not about looking backwards, I'm about looking forwards and and now as well. So if we don't the past you can't change it. No, if you we've all done bloody stupid things, we've all done things that we think now that probably wasn't the best choice I ever made. Oh my god, so many things. But we're still here, yeah. We're still here to think about it, to worry about it. But the last thing we want to do is feel guilty about it. No, I think all that yeah, sorry, no, you say you go.

SPEAKER_01 22:59

You I think you learn as well, don't you? You you you sort of learn from your past experiences, and I know we look back and think, oh gosh, I wouldn't I wouldn't have done that now, I wouldn't have done this, but actually learn from it. It it just takes us forward, but don't look back and regret.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

No, because also the you then wasn't the you now, but the worst thing with guilt is the fact that again you talked about procrastination being a thief of time, and I absolutely agree with you, but guilt wallowing in that big pool of guilt. I think of it like a hippopotamus wallowing in mud, but not in a good way, it just drags you, weights you down, and it's like, oh, I'm feeling guilty. And again, it's another excuse. Oh, I can't do that because I'm feeling guilty about this. No, it is it's like it own it, take responsibility, don't blame anyone else.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Yeah, no, it it's you, and it is it's like having lead weights in your shoes, isn't it? They just hold you down and you don't move forward, you've got to let go, let them go. Yeah, so I think uh the next one is uh trusting yourself because you know more than you think you do. I think most of us discover our strength and resilience when life asks more of us than we expected it to, and I think a lot of women can doubt their judgment, but you've got decades of wisdom and experience behind you. So trust yourself because you really are, you know more than you think, you're stronger than you think.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

Absolutely. When I heard, you know, and obviously Midlife Unlimited is not a business podcast, but I had a conversation a couple of months ago. Uh, a good friend of mine who works with people, people well, we're men and women who are returning to work after being parents, particularly women though. And a lot of us, and I will just briefly mention this, a lot of us are like, Well, I've got no experience, I've you know, I've not done anything for the last 20 odd years. All I've done is been a mum. And she actually said, Yeah, you all you've done is been a mum, all you've done is constantly juggle from screaming tea from screaming little three-year-olds, toddlers, up to moody teenagers. You could solve the world famine crisis with negotiation skills you've built up over that time, the human resources skills that you've built, but probably the tech skills that you brought up, because we you know, nowadays I think I mean I'm no tech genius, but you do need to be slightly tech savvy to be able to communicate if you've got kids. And I know not everyone listening has got kids, but this could apply to friendship groups or whatever. So even if we've been physically out of the workplace for a while, it doesn't mean that we haven't been accumulating knowledge, expertise, and experience. And I think that's what it's so easy to forget. And I think that does tie back into giving ourselves permission because blow your own trumpet.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Yeah, I think um I think especially in the 50 plus, a lot of employers are now recognising those kind of uh soft skills that women have, like you say, it's the negotiation, uh, the human resources, the uh the budgeting. Yeah, they're all they're all skills you accumulate, but I think there was a figure quoted at me, something like 42% of women experience a loss of their professional confidence when they have a career break. It's a lot, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 26:22

Yeah, doesn't surprise me. Doesn't surprise me. And then you come back in and it's like, oh, you know, the younger generation have taken over the world. Well, we've got a lot to show you, younger generation. We're not trying to battle with you, we want to work with you, we want to share our expertise. You can share things that you know as well, and between us, we can create something rather fabulous.

SPEAKER_01 26:44

I think it's I just wrote this down. There's 92% of women believe their years at home were a waste. Um, but data showed data shows us that 30 plus have there's 30 plus transferable skills like the budgeting, the crisis management, um yeah the human resources.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

That's so sad. That to me is awful that they think those years raising well, I'm presumed raising kids or looking after you know, relatives or whatever is a waste. Blinkin, heck. That'd be interesting. That'd be interesting debate to have a woman who'd uh stayed at home for 15, 20 years and feel it's a waste, and a woman who's uh spent those 20 years working while her youngsters were growing up and being looked after by someone else and she feels that she's missed out, and get the two of them together and actually swap notes. I think that'd be a great one.

SPEAKER_01 27:45

I think that'd be really good. We'll look at that some I'll look at that some more actually.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

Yeah, because we all we it's that whole grass is greener then. What what would they rather have been doing for the 20 years? Are they saying they'd rather have been well I know I know we we can't read people's minds, sorry, but that that is sad though. That makes me feel sad. Does it? That they feel they've wasted their time. I think I was just a bit shocked uh when I saw it. Um perhaps see I'm I've still got I've still very much an emptiness, even though I can help you with it, but every now and again I keep seeing on Instagram and they keep making me almost cry all these women that are doing these videos of a car full of kids screaming and shouting, and then it flashes to the mum just sitting in the car driving on her own, and like nothing prepares you for the loneliness. And I'm like, I don't think I feel lonely, it's just odd.

SPEAKER_01 28:40

Is it yeah? I yeah, I think I'm gonna feel like that as well because I think I'm about to be an empty nester in the next sort of year or so, and it's it is gonna be strange just not having to clear up after them.

SPEAKER_00 28:55

Well, I'm really lucky because my boy, hello Finley, he walks to the station every morning. Um, and uh it's about a 10-minute walk to the tube because he lives in London now with his girlfriend, and most days, bless him, he gives me a call. Oh so we have a little chit-chat, and it's great because it's just like it's like in the old days when I used to take him to school or when I used to, it's that same conversation, and I don't think well perhaps he does. I I don't know if he realizes just how much that means to me.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

Oh we should do now though, if he listens to it. Oh, I'm well enough, darling. I really am. It's true because I have I have my best conversations with William when we're in the car together, yeah. Because there's no interruptions, there's no distractions, and that's what I'm gonna really miss. Yeah, I'm not gonna miss my huge shopping bill.

SPEAKER_00 29:51

Or the washing, the sports kits, yeah, the gym kits, smelly gym kits. Let's have an episode about smelly gym kits. No, but it is it is a little thing. I'm I have I've got tears in my eyes, listeners.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

It yeah, it it it's a thing, isn't it? It's a it's another part, isn't it? It's the glory of our lives, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:09

It's glorious because I when we put when we say bye, I can we we always hang up because I hear the East Putney tube um the ticket barrier clicking, so I know he's got to East Putney. And and for what he's doing as well.

SPEAKER_01 30:21

Isn't that wonderful to see him move on with his life?

SPEAKER_00 30:23

Oh, literally, I literally have joy in my heart knowing that like this morning he was facing it his Thursday going off, and then I knew I was talking to you, and I was like, he was like, Oh, that's brilliant, mum. Episode eight is out today, the day we recording, so I'm so proud of you. And it's like, yay, we've got a joint appreciation society. So I'm not sitting there thinking my life's over, I'm telling him what I'm up to, which is such a shift as well.

SPEAKER_01 30:49

Oh, it's lovely, really lovely.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

So my next tip stack your rabbit, Warren, Kate. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:57

I know, but I think we could go down a rabbit hole if we're talking about our boys. Oh, yeah. Stay open to new possibilities. Um, I think we sometimes dismiss ideas too quickly because they don't look like the plan we originally had. I think life has a way of changing direction for us, and that can come with new opportunities to consider. So I think stay curious and stay open to it.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

That is, I love I absolutely love that. And do you know what's just sprung into mind? What when you just said about plans not always going to plan, all too often we jump on that and we start calling it a failure. And I'm like, no, that's not a failure. All failure means, and I know listeners, I keep saying this, but it's so blinking true, and I'm trying to hammer it home. All failure means is that what we expected or wanted to happen didn't happen. Something else happened. Now, whether it happened because we didn't do the things we needed to do to get that result, or life threw those lemons.

SPEAKER_01 32:05

Yeah, absolutely. It's it there is no failure, it's just feedback. It it's yeah, absolutely exactly that.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

But isn't it? People are so quick to jump on to when when when a plan doesn't quite go to plan, suddenly now it's like, oh, it's a failure.

SPEAKER_01 32:18

No, it's not. It's not, or they're worried about what people might think. It's just it it's just life. And just yeah, keep going. Okay, and you know what? That's the next tip it leads on to. It really is okay to change your mind.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

Because we sometimes feel that because we've made a decision, we've got to stick to it, because we've said it out loud, or we've committed to it in some way. But because life does change, circumstances change, you are allowed to change your course as well. So let go of the guilt and give yourself permission.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Absolutely. And that ties in so beautifully with what you just said about curiosity, and I'm all about, yeah, childlike curiosity, embrace it. And now's a really good time to do that. But perfect permission. If we try something, whether that's wood carving, whether that's highland fling dancing, Japanese, whatever it is, if we try it and we don't like it, yeah, it's perfectly all right to say, actually, Kate, I don't enjoy this. I'm not gonna do this anymore because my life and my time is far too precious. I'm gonna try deep sea diving. I'm gonna go and try Chinese cookery and go and try something else.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

Yeah, just go and do it, go and find out. You know, we've got so much choice, haven't we? I know the world's a tricky place at the moment, but actually it's it's glorious as well because we've got so much at our fingertips we can go and do.

SPEAKER_00 33:44

And on our doorsteps as well. Stay curious. Yeah, I mean, local groups, it's amazing, even if you don't have a car. There are probably, if you go on to a local Facebook group, a gazillion things happening right on your doorstep, and a lot of them don't are free or don't cost very much at all. So, you know, we're all these people you see, everyone's traveling and doing this and that and everything else. Fair enough, but especially now, I'm sitting here, the sun's out, it's you know, hopefully spring has definitely sprung now. We've got a good few months of well, there's there's not good weather, bad, you know, but decent weather to go outside, be mindful, go for a decent walk. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

Just just just try something new, meet some new people, just just just do something. Um so what was my next tip? Uh give yourself the same kindness that you give everyone else. I think so many of us are we we are we're compassionate towards others, but we can be very, very hard on ourselves, and we should afford ourselves the same kindness. Yeah, think about the words that we use with ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 34:54

Well, we talked about you know inner critics and dear dreams. No, you're absolutely right. Often we will say things to ourselves that we wouldn't say, forget our best friend, we wouldn't say to our worst enemy. We'd be like, oh my goodness, that's a but we're quite happily sit there saying, you know, effing and blinding to ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

And berating ourselves because we haven't done the thing that we thought we should do, bloody bloody. You know, it all goes bad, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 35:17

Yeah, well, ditching those shoulds. Sure. We all know, yeah, shoulds is someone else's opinion or someone else's thought in your head. I will go my little exercise, it's very, very quick. If you hear yourself saying a should, ask yourself, is it a must? If it's a must, make a plan to do it now straight away, or ASAP, put a plan in pro in position. If it isn't a must, kick it out. Done.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

Oh, that's it. I think I'd heard that somewhere else. That a must could, yeah. If it's a should, it could could it be a could or a yeah. I love that, and I will use that actually.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

Yours sounds yours sounds better than mine. Mine's like, yeah, if it's a must, do it now, or because I literally you talked about procrastination earlier, and I used to be terrible. People please a procrastin. If it was a pee, I probably liked it. Piss head, I was that as well. Um seven years sober though. Oh, that's an amazing coke, and a year without a fag as well, which because that was one of my last things. I I wasn't smoking much, but that was one of my things, and again, I used it as a reward. Oh, so I just went cold turkey, and uh thank goodness I yeah, thank goodness I didn't take up vaping because I know I'd probably have got hooked on that. I can get hooked on a blinking banana skin, I can. I uh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

I think that's another conversation, but you didn't use any patches or anything like that. That's incredible. Well done. No, it is a habit.

SPEAKER_00 36:41

See, listeners, that's why you need to come and work with me. Blatant self-public, because it's all about what you tell yourself. But I won't go down that route now, but what you can get in touch with me there. No, what I forgot what I was saying. P, P, P procrastination. Procrastination, yes. No, I've completed it. It was really interesting as well. Honestly, come back later. I might have remembered what it was. To do with procrastination. Oh, I used yeah, well, I used to be a terrible procrastinator, and I now can't remember. Go on to your next tip if you've got one. I've got one more. You're gonna come back to me. No, probably not.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

That's just like what happens as well, isn't it? Over the age of 50. Yeah, boggy. Um, you are allowed to want more, Kate. We are allowed to want more independence, peace, financial security, time for yourself. Give yourself permission. You are allowed to have it.

SPEAKER_00 37:38

Yeah, absolutely. And again, this sounds like a blatant plug for me, but that's why my group coaching is called more with an exclamation. I didn't know that. Oh do you know? I keep seeing other people, and they're like, they're using more in capital. So I'm like, that's what I thought. Well, no, if it resonates to everyone, let everyone share and share alike, share and share alike. But uh no, because uh to do more, to get more, you have to do less, less of what doesn't serve you. So give yourself permission to do that. Yeah, oh I'm loving this, I'm loving this.

SPEAKER_01 38:12

Absolutely, and it it's all those things that I always felt guilty for sitting down thinking I should be doing this, I should be doing that. But actually, when you sit down and you just take some time for yourself and slow down, it really does create more space in your head.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

I was gonna say that's when I have my, but we're not necessarily best ideas, but that's when I find what I what I meant to be switching off, and suddenly like I could be watching Crap Telly, which is great, but my little brain's going tick, tik, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

So I just like that. No distractions. I plug some headphones in, some music, and I just I just switch off. And actually, it is when the I think the best ideas do come. Some something clicks in when you slow down because you've created that space.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

So yeah, there are my top tips. I love that. I love that. Thank you. Oh no, my absolute thank you for joining me to share because I say it's a subject that's very close to both of our hearts, giving ourselves permission, because it's something that we've done. I still can't remember that brilliant thing I was gonna say. I'll make a note. I'll probably Yeah, about procrastination. It'll come to me probably in the shower tonight or something. So I'll make a note, and when we do our um video podcast, I'll be like, drum roll, please. I've remembered it.

SPEAKER_01 39:25

I think there's lots of theories, isn't there, about procrastination? And I don't know what's right or what's wrong, but again, it's something you can go down a rabbit hole with.

SPEAKER_00 39:33

Yeah, but I say I don't think it's just procrastination that's a thief of time. I think it is, you know, waiting for certainty, waiting for everything to feel right and to be ready. All those, all that waiting around is wasting your time as well. So give yourself permission. Write yourself a permission slip. Yeah, it's never gonna be a right time.

SPEAKER_01 39:54

There's never gonna be a right time. No, you're never gonna be ready, so just do it.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

I love that. I love that. Well, we're gonna be sharing your contact details in a little while, and all your connection details are on the show notes for our episode, and you've got your guest profile on our website. But you mentioned just now about taking that time out, putting your headphones in, which leads us brilliantly into the three questions I'm about to ask you that I ask each of my fabulous guests. So you're not going to escape. I'm giving you permission to give me your answers. So the first question is when you have said headphones in, or in your kitchen, in your car, what is the midlife anthem that you put on and turn the volume up to 11?

SPEAKER_01 40:39

Uh, Freedom 90 by George Michael, because he's my most favourite recording artist in the whole wide world, and that whole track was it's it's upbeat, it's about reinvention, it's about being kind to yourself, it's about stepping into a new chapter because it was about him and his artistic independence, moving away from that kind of pop idol pop star image into a serious recording artist, the whole rejection of the combos permission given himself permission to be who he actually was. Yeah, and all of those things, and it is just the most amazing track.

SPEAKER_00 41:23

It really is. I love it, I love it. I've got very, very fond memories of the album, very fond memories that we won't go into now. Ha ha right. So is question two your midlife mantra, is that perhaps a a lyric from Mr. Michael himself? It's something completely different.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

Do you know my my mantra? I I did think about this, and it's probably not an obvious one, but it's a very simple one. But it might resonate. It resonates with me, so I hope it resonates with someone else. But it's just keep swimming, and it's by Dory from Finding Nemo. Oh, yes, yeah. Just keep swimming, because it it it's straightforward, it's optimistic, and it's resilience, and yeah, keep swimming. I like that.

SPEAKER_00 42:12

Oh, yeah, and it makes a good t-shirt. Get some merch, get some merch. I don't know why I keep talking about that. I've been I've been watching various programmes all about merch. Don't we won't go down that we're not? Right. Well, no, one of them was uh Married at First Sight Australia. Yes, they took go and watch it, people, go and watch it. Uh final question then before we share your contact details. What is the title of your autobiography?

SPEAKER_01 42:39

Stronger than I thought, braver than I knew.

SPEAKER_00 42:43

Oh, yeah, goosebump moment.

SPEAKER_01 42:45

Well, I think that that that's not just about me, that's lots of women out there. Lots and lots of women out there.

SPEAKER_00 42:52

Yeah, and that's part of what you do. That's a beautiful link in how listeners can get in touch with you, because I think that underpins what you do, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_01 43:00

Yeah, absolutely. It's it's really helping them recognize themselves again um and their their authority um and their voice and their competences, and yeah, helping them with that, I think, like we said at the beginning.

SPEAKER_00 43:16

So So, how can they get into contact with you? I say all your details are on the show notes for our episode, and you've got your guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website. So over to you.

SPEAKER_01 43:28

Um, Facebook is probably where I am a lot of the time. Um, it's an open profile, so you can just message me uh on Facebook um and LinkedIn as well. Um I've got a TikTok profile and Instagram, but I'm probably on there less. But yeah, certainly Facebook and LinkedIn. So just search for your name?

SPEAKER_00 43:46

Yeah, just search for my name and I'll come up. And can you phonetic or not phonetically, can you alphabetically spell it out for listeners as well, just so they can remember how to spell your name? It's J E A N E T T E for Jeanette, and my surname, which definitely can trip some people up, is Cauldry.

SPEAKER_01 44:06

Um, see it's C O U L D R Y.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

I said that because it sounds like it should be a C A, doesn't it? But it's C O. Oh, yeah, I get all sorts with it.

SPEAKER_01 44:18

Couldry, yeah. Caudry, Coudre. So I always smell that Cauldry, but yeah, you'll find me there.

SPEAKER_00 44:25

Go and connect with her, and she's absolutely fabulous. Um, and I'd love your feedback. Oh, my pleasure. I'd love your feedback on today's episode, listeners. So it'd be fabulous if you could leave a review, or you can email and text me via the link in the show notes. Um, come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Again, the link's in the show notes, and you'll find the website too, where all my details and Jeanette's details are, and you can find out more about working with me one-to-one, or more than I mentioned, my award-winning all-in-one coaching programme. So, thank you for joining me, Jeanette. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for listening. I look forward to tuning in next week because don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you listen to your podcasts. So, here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living Midlife Unlimited. Thanks, Jeanette. You've been brilliant.

SPEAKER_01 45:21

Thank you, Kate. Take care.

SPEAKER_00 45:23

Bye.

SPEAKER_01 45:23

Bye.