Reflections on Parenting: The Secret No One Else Is Talking About

I haven't heard anyone else teaching this parenting principle, but it's vital. Even if having children is in your DISTANT future, this episode is for you. We're NOT talking about sleep training, discipline, or communication with your children. We're talking about how to ensure you don't have to parent alone (read: how to ensure you will have a community that is invested in your kids). And it all begins with the choices you make about how you spend your time NOW. 

For those who are already in the throes of parenting, it's not too late. The second best time to start is NOW. There is hope!

Do you want to know what the law of sowing and reaping has to do with why my daughters haven't walked away from their faith? Pull up a chair 🪑 

Transcript

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If you are not a parent, nowhere near parenting, or have decided that parenting and kids are not for you, don't turn this off yet. I want to talk to you about some reflections that I've had from parenting, but they're really reflections about being a human. This is important. If there are other people in your life, then this message is for you. It's not just for parents. Pull up a chair. Welcome back to the mentors table. My name is Joy, and I am so excited to have you here at the table. As I mentioned in the intro, this is not just a talk about parenting. This is a talk about being human around other humans. Regardless of if you're in a quote-unquote parenting situation, you are influencing the people that are around you. And that influence and what you're choosing to do now has an effect on the rest of your life. Let's be honest, the Bible says that that which you sow, you will also reap. Right now, whether you're doing it intentionally or not, you are sowing into other people's lives, and you are reaping the fruit of when you sowed into people's lives before. And so let's choose good seeds to sow now so that your harvest becomes even greater and greater as you get older. But before we go any farther, I want to take a minute and become silent and clear our minds and our hearts and focus our attention back on Jesus. So if you could put your feet flat on the floor, open your hands in a posture of surrender, take a deep breath in, release it slowly, Lord. Whether we think that this conversation is gonna be for us or a waste of our time, we know that there's a reason that you have brought us together around this table right now. And so we surrender this time to you and pray that your perfect will be done. Take another deep breath in, and as you slowly release it, I want you to imagine all the things that are in your mind and in your heart, the chaos and the frustrations, that you blow all those out with your breath. Amen. Okay, so as I kind of started last week and I've been thinking and feeling that God is inviting me to talk a little bit about parenting, I have to confess at the outset that I felt a lot of I feel a lot of imposter syndrome. But this, even though I have a 17, 15, and 10-year-old daughters, it this feels like something that I do not have a grasp on. I I look to people who are much older and wiser than me to instruct and guide me on parenting. But again, as my oldest is getting ready to launch into college and about to turn 18 and become an adult, it has definitely given me opportunity to pause and ponder how did we get here? What did I do that that got us here? Where is God taking us? And honestly, again, in the spirit of confession, there's a lot about my daughter's senior year that has opened my eyes to the holes in the parenting. That things that I did not teach into, things that I hoped that she would somehow magically understand, things that I just didn't intentionally sit down and instruct her on, and now I'm looking back and tempted to feel or wallow in a lot of mom guilt. And I also recognize that as I'm saying that there is also the opportunity again to surrender, and sometimes I do surrender that to God because ultimately He's the one in control, He's the one that has been guiding our steps, He's ultimately our daughter's parent. He's the one. We have been loaned these girls and offered a chance to nurture them and then later in their years coach them, but ultimately they are God's responsibility, and I can surrender that to him because he is a trustworthy father. Sometimes I do that well, and sometimes I do not. But as we are looking back and thinking about parenting and looking to see again all the holes in my parenting, um I'm also starting to recognize that a lot of the wins in my parenting have nothing to do with me. And that's what I want to talk about today because I truly believe that a big part of the wins that you, if you know us personally, you may see in our daughters is not because of things that I invested in their lives, it's because of things that others invested in their lives, and that means that the biggest component or the biggest key to parenting kids who love Jesus and are following after him began when I had a chance to invest in other kids. Before I was married, before I was dating, I had opportunities to invest in the lives of kids around me. And I truly believe that those were times that I was intentionally sowing seeds into my kids' future, and the fruit that they were able to reap from that is that when I as a parent could not say something that would land with my daughter, somebody else could step into their life and say it, and it would land. For those of you who are parents, especially of teenagers now, you know, or you've had teenagers in your past, you know how true this is. There's only so much that you can tell your kids and that they will hold on to and apply to their life. There is a lot that by nature of the relationship they are naturally going to be resistant to and not want to hear it from you. I did that to my own parents. But if I am sowing seeds of investing in other kids' lives when I am able to, no matter my age, I truly believe that that is something that God honors his word and brings fruit about for later on. Because you, as a parent, I'm just gonna tell you this right now, if you're not already a parent, you're going to need community, you're gonna need other young adults, leaders in youth group and young life and FCA, you're gonna need babysitters, you're gonna need camp counselors that are all going to speak into your kids' lives. And the way that you can prepare for parenting and prepare for those voices to be ones that are aligned with the word of God is by sowing seeds of doing that for others right now. This is burning on my heart. You know, I have met a lot of people who have said, Oh, I just like I don't do kids. I didn't that's like that's not my thing. I work better with older people, I work better with peers or whatever the case may be. I think that there is for sure an element of truth in that, in the sense that your giftings naturally align with pretent potentially a certain season of life. And so maybe your giftings do align with an older season. But what I want you I want to challenge you to consider is just because like your niche ministry people are older, are you sure that that means that you get a free hall pass and don't have to invest in the kids that are around you? I mean, look at the life of Jesus. You know, Jesus had the kids come to him while he was ministering. Clearly, Jesus's niche ministry was to his disciples, it was to his followers, older people who were already established in life and were able to go out and spread the gospel. But God did not look the other way when kids were drawn to him as well. When he had an opportunity to invest in the lives of kids, he took it. He even told us that. Well, first of all, he told the disciples, let the little children come unto me and forbid them not, for such is the kingdom of heaven. Whoa, kids are the kingdom of heaven? That's a pretty big deal. He said, Do not forbid them from coming to me. If Jesus saw their value and Jesus took time to invest in their life, and then Jesus told us, if you give a cup of water to one of these, it is valuable in the kingdom of heaven. You are going to reap in eternity blessings because of that. Jesus also told us that God has hidden the secrets of the kingdom in the hearts of children. There is a lot of value in children. So before you think that you are somehow excused from investing in kids' lives, please, please, please consider our role model, our rabbi Jesus, who lived and walked on this earth and modeled for us the life that is the most consistent with God's will. And think of children's lives and their importance in his life, and let's follow that model. Now, I have a bias. I used to be a children's pastor. I recognize that my bias leads me to want to shout this from the rooftops because one of the hardest things as a children's pastor is recruiting volunteers. If we can get the vision for how important it is to invest in the children of the future, then maybe getting volunteers is a little easier. But what I'm saying to you, it's not just that we're investing in the future, we're investing in our own future by being a part and investing in the kids today. It's investing in your future kids, it's investing in your current kids. It's investing. Perhaps you choose not to have children, but you are investing in your future life. I promise you, there is no seed that you sow that will be ignored by God. You will reap a harvest, and it's a harvest that we all need. Whether we are investing in our own personal family, biological or adopted or otherwise, or we're investing in our family that is our community later on. This is a vital component. And there are opportunities right now in front of you that all of us should be taking, regardless of what season you are in in your life. There are places in your church to get involved, places to invest in your kid, the kids that are in your church. If you've been pushing aside that little inkling, like, oh no, no, no, that's not for me. I'd rather be in church. I need to just I need to just learn from the pastor right now. Yeah, you do need to learn, but you also need to be investing in the kids. There are varying ages of opportunity as well. If holding babies isn't your thing, there's toddlers who love to run around. If playing with toddlers is overstimulating for you, there are elementary kids that just want to have fun and would love and drink in your investment. If that's not your thing, there's middle schoolers. There's a special, special moment in middle school ministry because those kids are going through what is probably one of the most difficult seasons of their life as their body is changing and they're becoming adults, but also they are not too cool for you yet. That's why I loved middle school ministry, that's why I love teaching middle schoolers because there's like a wide-eyed awe that they still look at you with that makes it really easy to invest in their lives. And I'll give you a quick clue if you're like, I don't know how to invest, I don't know how to get involved. I can tell you this one thing this four-letter word is the key to their hearts. F-O-O-D. Feed 'em and you got them. Anyways, and then of course there's high school, and then there's after high school and the college and the young adults. And honestly, I really believe that investing in young adults is so important because I have found for my life that the more that as I am older and I'm investing in young adults, I'm also investing in the future teachers and leaders of my kids. Whether it is something, someone who sticks around and as my kids get older, they become their leader. Or if it's somebody who goes on to another church, they are becoming leaders and investing in other people's lives. But God is raising up young adults that I didn't have a chance to invest in, but they show up at our church and in our community and they invest in my kids' lives where the other young adults were called otherwise. All of it has a value, a very, very strong value in God's eyes. So, you know, if you are past that and maybe in your own church you don't see an opportunity, I can tell you from experience and working with leaders in organizations like FCA and uh Young Life and Wildlife, they are always looking for people who love Jesus and are willing to value people, younger people, the same way that God values them, they have a place for you as well. They would love for you to get involved. And I'll tell you, one of the most influential and best ways to invest in a child's life has nothing to do with children's church, has nothing to do with quote unquote uh ministries. Become a coach. If sports are your thing, become a coach. Volunteer to coach soccer, volunteer to coach basketball, volunteer to coach whatever it is, peewee football, any of it. Because a coach does the same thing, and you don't even have to share the gospel. The gospel is simply love, and so you can invest by seeing these kids, by encouraging these kids, by speaking life over them, by teaching them a skill in the sport, but also in teamwork. There's so much that you can invest, and I can imagine almost every single one of us has had a coach, or you know, there's things like drama that could be the director or band leader. There's lots of different things that kids get involved with in groups, and all of us can look back on that one adult who made a difference and they will not forget. This is what I am finding as a parent is one of the keys to why I believe my kids have not walked away from their faith. Because when I invested, whether it was through volunteering at my church, volunteering in other places, even when I was in college, we'd go to the hospital, the children's hospital, and we'd read books to those kids. It didn't matter what the title was or what the opportunity was. All of those things were seeds that I was sowing. And when I see holes in my parenting now, now that we're in high school, now that we're getting ready to launch, I find that the holes are diminished and not quite as big as they could or should be because other people have come alongside my kids and invested in them. They're young life leaders, their FCA leaders, their children's church leaders, their youth pastors, the pastors, just the young adults at our church. So many different people. Many of you who are listening, who are close to us, have invested in my kids along the way. Parents of my kids' friends. And I just want to say thank you. Because as I'm looking back now, I'm realizing with great humility that a lot of my quote unquote parenting success is because of you. It's because you have invested and loved on my kids and been able to tell them something that I wasn't able to tell them or that I was able to tell them, but they weren't able to hear or receive from me. So thank you. Thank you. I truly believe that you are the fruit of the investment that I didn't even know I was doing back then, but that I truly believe is one of the keys to why our daughters have a relationship with God right now. Thank you. And for all of you listening, that's your invitation to start investing in your own future, whether it's family or community in the future. Now is the time. This matters to God, and this could be the difference between your child, future child, having a relationship with Jesus or walking away because they're finding hypocrisy everywhere, because they're alone, because nobody sees them and nobody loves them. Or It could be the key to them seeing flawed people that truly love and knowing that that's only because of a God that we cannot define or fully even understand because he's so big, but he's trustworthy. And when these kids are surrounded by a community who from all different walks of life and all different situations are choosing to trust that God and reaping the fruit of that, they can know, hey, this is a God we're serving. All of that starts now, all of that starts now. Speaking of starting now, things are starting to pile up. My daughter has chosen a school, and now we're trying to figure out how God is going to provide the funding for it. This is a lot. We are designing invitations. We are choosing a date for her graduation party. We are preparing for her 18th birthday. We are preparing for a truckload of family to come and visit during graduation, which thank you, Jesus. We have this beautiful big house. We have room to house everyone. I'm not quite sure how we're gonna feed them all, but we'll figure it out. There's a lot going on along those lines. As far as personal updates go, I just want to let you know that um this is a really good time to be praying for me. I'm clearly having some big feels along the lines of my daughter getting ready to launch, but I'm having big feels that are connected to so many other things going on in my life. You know, it's not just one daughter is going to college and we're just able to focus all of our efforts on that. There's two other very important daughters in two completely different stages of life who need attention and who need time. And it is a season that I have to really intentionally not give in to mom guilt and choose to surrender because it doesn't look like I have enough resources for all of them, and that feels really hard. Also, there is just a lot of preparing going on, and there's just a lot of stuff going on as well. We recently just had um, and I think I mentioned this before, but problem with two out of our three vehicles, and had to deal with some pretty significant financial choices with that, and then paying for spring break and taxes and summer camps and graduation, and there's just a lot going on right now, and I would love for you to be praying for strength and discernment, but I really feel in this season that God is inviting me and tugging on my heart and just taking me back to the basics over and over again. I want to listen and obey. I want that to be my prevailing move, no matter whether we're talking about college, parenting, finances, dealing with social things. All of it comes back to am I taking time to listen? And then am I obeying what God is directing me toward? He takes care of the rest. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, and a lot of times I don't. But I'm not here to put guilt or shame on myself or on you, but just to remind you, that's what matters. And I really feel that clearly in this really busy season that God is saying, hey, just because it's busy, just because the stakes feel kind of big right now, just because a lot is happening at once, doesn't mean that my direction has changed. It still means you need to make time, develop rhythms of listening, and then when I say to do something, you obey that and that alone. I can real easy get into my type A recovering control freak, recovering perfectionist mode, and try and reason and figure and to-do list and schedule all of this out and somehow figure it out on my own. But that's never been God's call for me. He has always called me to surrender, and this situation is no different. So I would cover your prayers to be able to be obedient in that. Thanks so much. I really appreciate you joining us here on the mentors table. I would love to hear from you, veteran, new parents, or not parents yet, and let me know your thoughts and we can discuss them here at the table. I think this is gonna be a little bit of a series, so this isn't the last time that we'll talk about parenting, and I would love to hear from you and add your voice to the table. Until next week, have a great time. Nerd alert, nerd alert. Guys, I am such a nerd. I geek out on show notes. So if you ever want to know how to contact the show directly, how to find us on socials, links to books or anything that we mention on the show, go to the show notes. And at the very bottom, there's always a link that says support the show. It doesn't matter how little or big or how often you want to give, it's super easy to do. And I like to consider it a way for you to take me out for coffee and say, hey, thanks. And you know what I say? Thank you. You guys are the best.