Reflections on Parenting: Incorporating Spiritual Disciplines

How do you teach your children to make Spiritual Disciplines (or as I like to say: Surrender Formation), a regular part of their life rhythm? I tell you what we did, and my prayer is that you take these two principles and use them as inspiration to adjust your own rhythms to raise your children in the way God is leading you to. 

Here's a hint from my mentor and friend, Jim Wideman: "Children learn more from what is caught rather than taught." 

This isn't meant to be prescriptive, rather descriptive of what has played out in our family. I'd love to hear your feedback.

Pull up a chair around the table at joyabad.com. 

To listen to my first two episodes about parenting, check out:

Practical and Spiritual Lessons From Choosing a College For Our Eldest

Reflections on Parenting: The Secret No One Is Talking About

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If you are anything like me, your time is precious. And when you see that there is somebody talking about parenting, you're hoping for real life stories, real examples, things that worked, and even maybe things that didn't work, so that you can glean from that what you need to know and get inspiration and encouragement and go and apply it in your own life. I just don't know that there's enough voices out there that are talking about parenting in specifics as opposed to these sweeping generalities about here's the three principles that are going to fix everything for your parenting and make sure that your children are going to walk with God well into their adult years. We're not here to do that. I'm here to give you real talk, real stories, and real examples of what has worked and has not worked, and tell you what the fruit of it has been and leave you to decide. So if that is something that interests you, pull up a chair. Welcome back to the mentors table, a podcast where we have deep discussions about spiritual and emotional health with an uncomfortable focus on surrender. My name is Joy, and I am the host here at this table. And you are the members who can pull up a chair and be a part of this community. The easiest way you can be a part of this community by pulling up a chair is to go to joyabod.com. That's J-O-Y, A B ismboy, ad as and dog.com. That's where everything is. You can sign up for my newsletter. That's one of the easiest ways to pull up a chair. You can listen to the podcast, you can comment on the podcast, you can find my social links. All of it is there for you, joyabod.com. I would love to see you there. Today we're going to be talking about my reflections on parenting. This is not a toot my own horn and tell you all the things to do and not to do because I have it all figured out. Instead, this is a lot of me looking back and going, man, what worked and what didn't work? Because it really does feel like such a flurry of activity. And today we're going to talk about what I feel has been the most effective for teaching my kids about spiritual disciplines and putting them into practice in their own life. But before we get started, let's take a moment of time to be silent and still, to quiet our hearts and our minds before the Lord. So if you could take a deep breath in, release it slowly. Lord, we dedicate this time to you. Not my words, but your words. Open the ears, the hearts, the eyes of those who are listening. Let them see what you are saying to them and encouraging them in this. And for those mamas out there that are feeling tired, that are feeling defeated, that are feeling like they're running out of time, that are feeling like failures. Lord, I ask for an extra blessing of comfort and reassurance. Just let all these worries and anxieties go. With your next deep breath and just thank you, Jesus. Amen. Can I just be real honest with you for a second? Before I had kids, and I know that they've made memes out of this, but it is so true. Before I had kids, I knew exactly how I was going to raise my kids, and I knew exactly how they were going to turn out. And then I had beautiful, beautiful daughters, three of them, with an age span of seven or more years between the oldest and the youngest. And I feel like these last 17 years have been a complete whirlwind. We as a family have gone through a lot of financial ups and downs, like high highs and really low lows when I wasn't sure how we were going to be paying the bills sometimes. There were lots of times that we change things up for our kids. We are of the philosophy that each year we decide what is best for our girls as far as school goes. And that's not a universal for all three of our girls statement. It is per girl per year. Also, we have physically moved locations a lot. We have lived in two different states, and we have lived in five different houses in the last 17 years. That has made a huge difference as well and made it difficult at times to really kind of get our bearings in the midst of parenting because we were just trying to kind of get to the next thing that we needed to do, regardless of all those lofty dreams and visions that I had for how parenting was gonna look when I got older. And now here we are, and I am realizing, first of all, how naive I was, and second of all, I'm trying to define what did we do? It's been 17 years, and what do we have to say for those 17 years? That's what we're gonna be talking about. I started the series last week, but really kind of two weeks ago talking about launching my daughter. And so today we're going to be talking about, like I said before, how our kids learned to put spiritual disciplines into practice for their own life. I spent all of season one talking about spiritual disciplines. I really, really, really believe that they are super, super important and vital, not only for spiritual formation, but simply for surrender formation. I just made that phrase up. But surrender formation means that there are moment by moment opportunities for us as followers of Jesus to surrender. And there are moment by moment opportunities and invitations for us to grab control of the steering wheel and control our own lives. And I believe that the only way that we are able to really develop strong surrender muscles that let go of that steering wheel of our life and give us a chance to live a life fully surrendered to God, to say that we hear what God is telling us to do and then we obey it, is only available through regular practice of spiritual disciplines because it develops our surrender muscles so that we can let go. So I believe this is really important, and I believe it's really important for not just us as adults or us as parents, but everybody, including our children, to be practicing on a regular basis. This is meant to be descriptive, not prescriptive. I'm not here to tell you if you follow steps one, two, and three, then your kids are going to turn out like my kids turn out. I am here to say, here's what we did and here's the results. And maybe this gives you ideas that you can adapt and you can adjust that fits your family's rhythm and gives you inspiration and encouragement to be able to apply this to your own family's lives. I wish that I had heard more people talking about this. Not that they would be telling me, like, follow steps one, two, and three, but that they would be telling me, here's what we did. And then I would have some ideas of kind of starting points to know what did you do? Okay, well, this part of it wouldn't work in our family, but this part really would work, and I never thought of that way to do it before. And I'm gonna start with one of my favorite mentors who married my husband and me. He has been involved in so many key influential decisions in my life. His name is Jim Wideman, and he says that spiritual principles for kids are primarily caught, not taught. Simply, we are living and modeling in front of our children the principles from the Bible. And instead of talking till we're blue in the face and trying to teach them God's way, we are to model it and then they catch it along the way. A lot of this goes to the verse that talks about for parents, we are supposed to be talking about the Bible and talking about God when they wake up and when they go to sleep and along the way. That is a joy paraphrase of that verse. But the idea is not that we are sitting down and doing some sort of Bible lesson or Bible devotional. None of those things are bad, those are wonderful things. But if you're looking back, like I said, when when you actually have babies and the whirlwind begins, and you're like, where do people find time to sit down and discuss chapters of the Bible together? Take a deep breath. It's okay. A lot of it is caught rather than taught. Okay, let's go ahead and get into it. Here are the two principles that I looking back realize that we did that have laid the foundation for spiritual disciplines in our children's lives. Number one, we started with creating a family rhythm that includes spiritual disciplines. We it was less about what we were teaching them and more about what we were modeling for them. And since they were part of this family, since they didn't have licenses, since they go where we go, we had an opportunity, and especially when I was homeschooling, we had an opportunity to be very clear about what our family does do and doesn't do and how we spend our time. Then as they got older, as they started to drive themselves, as they started to put themselves to bed, as they started to participate in sports, and they were not with us every moment of the day. Then the teaching, quote unquote, teaching of the spiritual disciplines was more about modeling it for them by my husband and me practicing them on a regular basis in front of the kids and them seeing that role model and making their own choices. So let me tell you a few practical examples of what this looked like. Reading the Bible. Reading the Bible was something that was a part of our family rhythm from a very, very little age. And when they were very young, reading the Bible was something that we did with them on a regular basis at bedtime. But that was the beginning of that spiritual discipline where it was part of our rhythm. That's just what we did. Then, as they have grown older, we continue to model it. My husband and I both do our Bible reading in the mornings. We're already on the couch or on our special chair reading the Bible. And then as they are waking up and coming out, they are seeing us doing that. There's no comments, there's no like, look at me, look at me. It's just simply always happening. And that is before them to choose how reading the Bible is going to be a regular rhythm in their life. Now, like I said last week, a big part of what my daughters have chosen to do in their own personal walks with God has also like we sowed the seeds, but then lots and lots of other people watered them and cultivated the garden and helped and fertilize the soil and really helped them grow. So we did have backup from youth pastors, from young adults that were involved in their life, from young life leaders and FCA leaders. We've had backup in many, many different ways of people also talking about the importance of it and what those rhythms look like when they went to summer camp. There was times that they were modeled that that was modeled for them, and people were modeling it for them. So there was a lot of extra cultivation that happened in between. But this is what I, for me as a mom personally have seen is the primary and the most effective without overcomplicating things. Um, when we talk about prayer, prayer is something that as children and when they were with us all the time, there were definitely set times in the day that we would pray. Generally, it was on the way to school. When we were driving to school and we weren't homeschooling then or walking to school now, we pray with them and ask for requests and pray. And I really wanted to model for them in that time that we would be praying scriptures and so promises from God's word would be incorporated in the things that we were praying, and then we would be praying before meals, which was a regular part of the day, and then at bedtime when they were really young, and now as my kids have grown older, prayer is more modeled by honestly. Now that I'm thinking about it, with our youngest one, we're still praying on the way to school, but then with the others, it's really more modeled by when we notice an answer to a prayer, or when my girls come to me with some sort of a problem or frustration or relational problem or or whatever. The first thing out of my mouth is, have you prayed about it? What let's or let's pray about it right now. This is important to pray about. And so it is not just something that we preach about, it's something that it's the first thing that we turn to when we are together and there and a need arises, and that is how we model it for them. And then when there is an answer to prayer, talking about that as well. Like, oh, I've been praying for so long for this person's heart to be softened, and we just had a great conversation and they asked me all these questions about God. That is an example of how, again, we're modeling it for them and not just cramming it down their throats. Sabbath is something that came in later in our lives. Um, I really started practicing it six years ago, maybe seven years ago. My oldest was in middle school at the time. So we were already starting to kind of transition out of the making it part of the family rhythm and into just modeling it for them. And so Sabbath for me began as just me modeling it and me practicing it in front of them. And it was a disruption on our family rhythm because they weren't driving yet. And so I was taking time out of our Saturday to be on my own and spend some time in prayer and silence as part of my Sabbath. Now we did put it in as part of our family rhythm in the sense that we began being intentional about Friday night dinner being a feast, a feast to kick it off, a time to share our highs and lows, a time to eat a special meal, a time to have dessert when we wouldn't normally, and a time to light candles and reflect on how good God has been to us this last week. So that is a model that we're still following, and the girls' participation in it is based on what they are choosing now. Um, obviously, our youngest one is part of our rhythm, and she's always here, so she is a part of it. And then our oldest two, as they have sports and different things like that, are getting a chance to see and choose what they're going to do for their own lives. And then when they are home, we have a chance to invite them in and they're a part of it again and part of sharing their highs and lows. And so they see it modeled whether or not they are home with us and have the choice to take it into their own rhythm from there. Again, I just want to reemphasize that the two primary things that we have done to instill a value for spiritual disciplines in our daughters' lives is number one, we created a family rhythm where spiritual disciplines were a regular part of our rhythm while we were doing so much life together. And then number two, as our lives began to diverge a little bit and there was more sports events and there was more chances to be out with friends, and they were driving and we didn't see each other. We continued, we meet being my husband and I continued to model it physically and have it continue to be a part of our rhythm and allow them to catch and to see that and invite them in when the times were appropriate and show them that it is something that is consistent in our life, regardless of whether they are all home at the same time or not. I hope this has been helpful and encouraging to you. I really appreciate when other people share the wins and the losses and the hard things in parenting because it feels pretty lonely, and so I want you to know you're not alone. And hopefully, these are super, super basic and simple principles that you can grab a hold of and use and incorporate in your own parenting. On a personal note, I need to know is there anybody else who is like me? This has been a week of this particular trait coming out in me in such a strong, dominant way. And I just wonder, like, am I the only one that does this? Or are there listeners out there who do this as well? I will be sitting in a room in our house, and I will notice one thing that I think, oh, I know a better place, like where that chair should go, or how that footrest needs to be moved from this chair to the couch downstairs, or whatever the case may be. It's generally one idea, one thing that needs to move that I realize is going to increase the flow and the functionality of our house. And so I move that one thing, and it is a snowball effect. And then all of a sudden, I have rearranged that entire room. And while rearranging that entire room, I have started to move furniture into other rooms, and then I end up rearranging the entire house. That has been our week this week. My kids have seen it happen to me often. They roll their eyes, like, oh, you rearrange the house again. But I like to argue every time it gets better, and I love it. I just get so consumed and I feel so much energy going through and just making things more functional, making them flow better. I love looking back on pictures of the original ways that I had the house and looking and going, oh, this is so much better now. I will say every spring I feel this urge to reorganize and decorate and really set up the outside of our house and our yard and our back porch and our front porch and all of that. Back when we lived in a condo and I had a teeny tiny porch in the front and a postage stamp-sized yard, I made the absolute most of it and would always be buying things that we needed to spruce it up or make it more functional or provide more seating and um generally cover almost all the grass, but plant lots of flower boxes and pots of flowers so that there would be beauty and color and people would be invited outside. You know, when we lived in such a tiny condo, the primary place that we would entertain is on our front porch because there was just more room. And so to me that was really important. And so here I go again. You can hear it in my voice. I'm so excited, but also I'm really like my brain is cranking and really trying to think through all these things to make it the best outdoor yardscape possible. And I'm really looking forward to graduation because we're gonna be entertaining family and so many friends, and I will have a chance to kind of show that off. And watching people take advantage of the function is where I get my energy from. That is a really clear insight into who I am as a I don't know, homemaker. Is that the right word? It sounds so trad wife. That's not what I'm trying to say. I just really enjoy that part of my life right now. Remember, you can pull up a chair here to the mentor's table by going to joyabod.com. Everything you need is there. Please go check it out, listen to some podcasts you may have missed earlier. But most importantly, it's at the bottom of the first page. Sign up for my newsletter so that you can be a part of this community and begin getting only monthly regular communication from me. Not weekly, I'm not gonna flood your inbox, but monthly communication from me that I really think is gonna be valuable to you. I'll see you guys next week.