Reflections on Parenting: It's Okay To Say This Word . . . A Lot

Welcome to the Mentor's Table--a place where you can pull up a chair for deeper discussions about spiritual and emotional health with an uncomfortable focus on surrender.

This episode may be unpopular, but I know the principle to be true. Listen the entire way through to hear not just why but what this word MUST be founded upon. It's counter-cultural, but more importantly, it's an act of obedience. It's a sign of surrender. 

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SHOW NOTES

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The book that is rocking my world and expanding my faith is Redeeming Your Timeline by Troy A. Brewer. Highly recommend!

Transcript

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This is the least PC, do we even use that phrase anymore? Politically correct podcast episode that I think that I have ever recorded. It is a principle that I have found to be very fruitful in my own daughters' lives, but also it is something that makes me feel uncomfortable talking about and makes other people who are listening feel uncomfortable hearing it. But I promise you, I am not just throwing words out there haphazardly and expecting you to somehow form your life around it. This comes with a lot of thought, direction, and intention and leading from the Holy Spirit. And so with that, I give you this episode. Pull up a chair. Welcome back to the mentors table, a place where you can pull up a chair for deeper discussions about spiritual and emotional health with an uncomfortable focus on surrender. My name is Joy, and I'm the host here at this table. I always love to have a conversation with you. And so if you're listening to this and anything sticks out to you, resonates with you, or you have things that you want to add and talk about, please pull up a chair by sharing with me. You can go to joyabod.com for everything. You can comment on the podcast there as a way of adding your two cents. You can sign up for my newsletter. You can follow me on the socials, all the things. That's where you go. Joyabod.com. Today we're going to talk about something that I hesitated to share because it just doesn't sound very PC. I don't know. It's something that sounds pretty harsh. And I was like, God, is this you? Is this really what you want me to talk about? And I think that the answer is yes. Not, I think. I know the answer is yes. And I wasn't able to shake it. So we're gonna we're gonna get into it. We're gonna get into something that's a little bit more uncomfortable to talk about. And I would love to hear back from you your thoughts. But before we get started, as always, we're gonna take a minute to be still and to center our hearts and our minds. So could you take a deep breath with me? Release it slowly. Lord, we offer this time listening to this podcast with you. We release all the cares and the frustrations and the items on our to-do list. And we focus in on your voice. We welcome you into this time. Speak to us, strengthen us, encourage us. We surrender to you this time. Thank you that you are here with us now. One more deep breath in and release it slowly. I love that time to just recenter and refocus. It's so easy to get caught up in what's going on all around. Or if you're like me and you're just simply at your house and it is there's just a running to-do list constantly in front of me. It's not um typed up necessarily, although I do type them on my phone, but it is everywhere. All the little things in the house that are staring at me and telling me what I need to be doing right now with my time. Okay, today I want to talk about one of the biggest factors that I have found that has set my kids up for success. And it is, like I said, probably a more unpopular idea. It's not what you're gonna hear from a lot of people necessarily, especially in the space where we are trying to focus on the positive and this is not a biblical thing, but manifest our desires. Instead, we want to look to God and we want to see what God has to say about parenting. And so we're gonna talk about something that God has modeled for us that is not talked about as much, but I think has brought a lot of blessings and fruit to my kids' lives. I honestly believe that one of the biggest factors that have set my kids up to be the people that they are today, and by that I mean people who are able to self-entertain themselves, people who are able to have conversations with adults, people who are able to face boredom and figure out something to do, people who are able to use their imagination, and people who are able to handle disappointment and handle loss in a way that doesn't completely knock them out. And all of those fruits, I believe, are from a myriad of different factors, but I believe one of the prevailing factors in this is that I and my husband said no a lot to our kids. Now I want you to not hear, or don't hear what I'm not saying. Don't hear, did I say that right? Anyways, don't hear what I'm not saying by thinking that I was some sort of dictator and you know, just my kids had no fun and that they were always having to do things that I told them to do, and they never got a say in the house. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I am saying is that my kids did not have unlimited access to screens. My kids did not have unlimited access to things even indoors. A lot of times they were told to spend their time outdoors. My kids did have massive access to books, and whether it was reading themselves, me reading to them, or I am a huge fan, huge, huge, huge fan of audiobooks for kids, them listening to books. All of these things are because I was saying no to something else. You know, they say that every yes has an inherent no built into it. Or you could look at it the other way, every no has an inherent yes built into it. If I'm saying no, it's because I'm saying yes to something else and making space for something else. So when I'm saying no to unlimited screen time for my kids, I'm saying yes to a challenge and an encouragement to use their imagination. I'm ch saying yes to engaging with the world around them instead of the world that is contained in their screen. I'm saying yes to spending time with real physical people and real physical nature that is around them, as opposed to getting caught up in the screen. You know, there was a lot of different no's that I had to say to my kids. And those did not come thoughtlessly or, like I said, because I was on some power trip. Instead, those were because I wanted there to still be space for other things that I valued and that my husband and I valued to be a part of their lives. If I didn't say no to some of those time-consuming things, then there wouldn't have been as much space to read, to go outside, to interact with adults, to do other things with their imagination, to create. Those things are not just inherently available if your mind and your eyes and your attention is focused on something else, something that numbs us as opposed to encourages us to create. And if you're gonna say no to something, you're gonna give it your wholehearted support to something. If we go back to screens, if you're saying yes to screens, but really you want your kids to use their imagination more, really you want your kids to create more, really, you want your kids to interact with other people more, then there is a hesitancy and a half-hearted commitment to saying yes to screens. And the Bible says our yes needs to be a full yes. If we say yes, then we really need to mean it. And if we don't fully mean it, if we actually are hoping for them to do something else or for them to put their attention elsewhere, then we are not following the God-given command to let our yeses be yes and our noes be no. I get it though. Saying yes, especially to something like screens, is so much easier than saying no. It's easier for me because I'm feeling lazy or tired or overwhelmed or overstimulated in the moment, and I don't want to deal with the follow-up that comes from a no. I would rather there be the enthusiastic run to the screen and follow that, as opposed to me having to stay engaged for the rest of the conversation. Well, like, no, well, why not? Well, I don't want to do any of these things. Well, why don't you go outside? I don't want to go outside. You know, it it takes an emotional toll to say no to something that is that quick to grab their attention and allow them to numb out. Because honestly, it allows me to numb out as well. So there is a price to pay in saying yes, and I do recognize that it is easier though, many, many, many, many times. I am not coming to you as a perfectionist in this area. I have said yes way more than I would like to admit, but I do know that I have also said no way more than my kids would want me to say no, and they have all complained to me and all made very clear that I am the only mom who has said no to so many things for so long. And I'm okay with that now. I see now when we are in a situation with other adults, with other peers, with other, you know, groups of people, I can see the fruit of saying no. I can see that they have developed their own personalities, their own character. They have developed their own problem-solving ability. One of the other things that I mentioned that the value of saying no is that you are training your children to learn how to handle disappointment. They're going to hear things that they don't want to hear all throughout their life. And I have told my kids many times, I'm doing you a disservice. If I just say yes to you all the time and you never learn the art of hearing, no, because you're going to be disappointed. It does hurt. There is some kickback. You're going to have to learn how to self-regulate in the moment. You're going to have to learn how to respond in a way that is respectful to the person who told you no, whether you feel like it or not, whether the situation is fair or not. And so by practicing that with little no's along the way as they're getting older, where the stakes are really, really low, then they can build up an endurance to be able to handle that in a way that is honoring and respectful to the other person involved, to themselves, and ultimately to God. I also want to make clear that this is not a standalone lesson. This is not something that I am telling you to do and just go out and just blindly say no to all the things and hope that your kids figure out, figure it out. This is something that I have learned and discerning when to say yes and when to say no is completely dependent on my relationship with God. So if I am saying yes and I am saying no, it's because I'm being led by his spirit or I'm not being led by his spirit. And so when I tell you it's okay to say no, and I said no a lot, it's because I trusted the Holy Spirit that when the Holy Spirit was telling me say no, that that was the right thing to do. And I knew that the Holy Spirit was telling me to say no because I already had an intimate connection with God to be able to know when God was leading me with a red light or a green light. So when we talk about saying no to our kids a lot, we're not saying that there's some sort of like scale that you need to, you know, balance out and it needs to be tipping a little bit more towards the no's than the yeses. It's not about a quantity, it's about a relationship. It's about a relationship that you have with your father God. Like Jesus said, I don't say anything except what I hear my father already saying. And he even says as well, my thoughts are not your thoughts. My ways are not your ways. My thoughts are higher than your thoughts, my ways are higher than your ways. That sort of intimacy and discernment and being led by the Spirit is only accessible to us when we have a relationship with God that we are spending time cultivating. So when I say that I said no a lot to my kids, and it's okay for you to say no a lot to your kids, that is with the understanding that you have already spent lots and lots of time cultivating a relationship with the Lord and discerning his voice and his leading. Because then when you're saying no, you're not just saying no as an island, hoping that it's gonna turn out okay, or you're not just saying no because Joy told you to say no, you're saying no because your spirit resonates with the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit is making it clear to you this is not the best thing for your kids. The nice part about that is that when there is that pushback from them, you have a source to go to to get the strength, to get the endurance that you need to finish that conversation with your child. Sometimes it's easy, and sometimes the flesh has had more food for the day than the spirit has had. So the flesh is stronger, and so the flesh rears up its ugly head even more. Either way, you and your relationship with God is the foundation for healthy parenting. You and your relationship with God is the driving force to decide whether to say yes or no. And I think that it's important that we say at the outset: do not allow the world, do not allow your social media feeds or your algorithms dictate to you whether it's okay to say no or not. That is only dependent on your relationship that you have with God. If we do everything that our algorithm tells us to do, we're going to steer our lives and our children's lives into a ditch that is going to be unhealthy, unfruitful, and full of pain. That is because it is a life and a direction that is without God, that is focused on ourselves. This is where we get back to surrender, right? Everything that we do is to be surrendered to our Father God. We are not to do anything of our own selves, but to continue to keep ourselves in surrender to what God is telling us to do. And the process to recognizing what God is telling us to do is difficult, is sometimes unclear, is hard, but it doesn't mean that we just abandon ship. It means we spend more time with God to recognize his voice. My sheep hear my voice and follow me. The voice of a stranger they will not follow. The voice is familiar when you spend a lot of time listening to that voice, getting to know that voice. The voice of a stranger is a stranger because you have not heard that voice very much. It does not resonate with your father, who you talk to often and cultivate a relationship with. And that is simply that I got help. I got support. Now, this can look like a lot of different things. It can look like a mentor that you meet with on a regular basis, preferably somebody who is farther along in their season of life than what you are, so that they have experience to refer back to, somebody who has an intimate relationship with God and is per preferably farther along in their relationship with God as well, and has experience and felt knowledge, felt felt experiences to refer back to. It could look like somebody from your church, a leader in your church, that offers time for you to sit down and talk with them. It could look like a best friend, or it could look like a counselor. Jenna, who I talk about often and have had here on the podcast, is technically a life coach, and she is somebody that I meet with twice a month, and she is somebody who is filled with the spirit, who is led by the spirit of God, and we are very much on the same frequency spiritually. While she's not necessarily farther along in parenting as far as seasons go, because my kids are older than her kids, she is farther along in emotional and spiritual health in a way that always applies to parenting, no matter what my situation is. And so she can speak into those things in my life. And there are times when my emotions are so high and everything feels so unfair, and I am in so much pain, and I am sure that I am doing things right, and it's everybody else who's messing it up, or God's not speaking to me, or there's nothing happening that's good that she can come in as a voice of wisdom and discernment and say, Okay, that sounds really painful. Let's talk about this situation here, to begin to recognize that my myopic view of the situation was excluding so much of the goodness of God. And as she kindly and carefully walked me through that process, I was able to understand where my pain had blinded me to God's goodness in all of those situations. That's the value of bringing somebody in because there are going to be times when it's gonna be hard to discern God's leading and direction, especially when you're a parent. And that is why it's okay to get help and to set up some sort of accountability or counseling or life coaching. Of course, I am a huge fan of Jenna. I will link her information in the show notes so that any of you that are interested in finding a life coach can reach out to her. But also, I believe that as you're listening, many of you have a name or a face that the Holy Spirit is stirring up within you to go and to talk to that person. Whoever that is for you right now, take the nuts. Next step. Cover it in prayer and then go and ask them, hey, would you be willing to be a mentor? Would you be willing for me to take you out for coffee once a month? Make it small, make it doable, uh, put a time limit on it so they don't feel like they're just jumping into three-hour sessions on a weekly basis that they can't afford that time either. Instead, make it manageable so that they can go, yeah, I can commit to coffee once a month, no problem, and then go from there. It's going to make such a difference in being able to discern God's direction as you have to decide often, do I say yes or do I say no to this situation? And I want to say one more time, it's okay to say no to your children. There's not too much new to update you on in my personal life right now. My daughter has entered into her final week of school. By the time you listen to this, she's gonna be done. Ah, that is just crazy bonkers to me. Um, and so there is a lot that goes along with that that is happening. But also, I wanted to mention, I've been reading a book that has been completely rocking my world. It's called Redeeming Your Timeline by Troy Brewer. I'll link it in the show notes. It is a mind-blowing book for those of you who have a relationship with God and an active prayer life, and yet you're still finding that your prayers are limited to what your mortal finite mind that lives within the construct of space and time can imagine God being able to answer. And instead, this book encourages you and provides a biblical foundation for how we can come to God with situations past, present, and future. And God is able to meet us in those situations and change things in our timeline, including the past. It is a really, really incredible book. It definitely is best read in a group so that you guys can talk about it and have conversations and wrestle with some of these ideas. But oh, the ways that it is opening up my prayer life, opening up my faith, expanding my faith to not be limited by what's going on right now based on what's happened in the past, but instead be willing to invite Jesus, King Jesus, into even my past circumstances. It is so freeing and is making my world so much bigger and my faith so much stronger. I highly recommend it. We'll probably talk about it on my other podcasts as we grow. So you can always jump over there and see if we have recorded a podcast about it yet. But if not, go get that book. I'll link it in the show notes. I highly recommend it. It is the encouragement that I believe so many of you need, especially when you're dealing with tragedy and loss and pain and abuse and so many other things in your past that are still affecting you today. Our God is a big God who lives outside of space and time, and He can heagle all of that. Check out the book, and I will see you next time here at the table. Have a great week.