What if you Hold the Answers?

What If You Hold the Answers?

This week, I’m sharing something really personal—how I went from always knowing who I was… to waking up one day completely disconnected from myself. Somewhere between marriage, motherhood, career shifts, and deep loss, I stopped trusting my inner voice. So I started searching—everywhere—books, podcasts, advice, courses, crystals, Google. And the more I searched, the further I got from me.

In this episode, I talk about what it took to come back to myself, how Human Design helped me remember what was already in me, and why your answers probably aren’t out there—they’re inside you.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, lost, or like you can’t hear yourself anymore… this one’s for you.

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Transcript

  A Beautiful Fix Ep: 35: What if you Hold the Answers?

I just didn't know what I wanted anymore. I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't know what was next for me.

I couldn't hear myself anymore, and I've always been able to figure it out. Okay. If right now I'm not happy, what would make me happy?    

There was a time when I always knew who I was. Like always I can remember playing as a little girl and knowing exactly what role I wanted to play, who I wanted to dress up as, what kind of make-believe character I was going to to portray. I just always kind of knew I could rely on myself, trust myself, make my own decisions.

Even big ones with some sort of clarity. I didn't always know the details, but I always just had this inner knowing. It was like my entire life, I've always been pulled towards something, pulled towards some kind of purpose, bigger than who I was, bigger than my current reality. I just kind of knew that there were great things out there for me.

My identity was very stable. It was very fixed. And again, even if I didn't know maybe the details of what was next for me, I knew me. I always figured out my next steps. Somehow. In human design, I have what they call a defined G center or identity center or self. And basically what that means because it is defined, it is fixed energy of, it's almost like our internal compass.

I know who I am. It, I'm very, very fixed. It doesn't matter who I'm around, I'm gonna be Tracy. And the beautiful thing about human design is one way is not better than the other. So if you do not have a defined G center. It's also beautiful. It means that you're very fluid in your identity. It's almost like being a chameleon.

Depending on who you are around, you can kind of take on their persona. You can kind of be flexible about who you are in that moment. It, and it doesn't mean that you don't have an identity or you don't know who you are. You just get to experience this beautiful life of being all of these different.

Energy types depending on who you are around or your environment. But for me, mine is defined, so 24 7, I'm showing up as Tracy. So I always kind of just had this knowing about who I am until one day I didn't, and I can't tell you the exact moment it shifted. It wasn't like a big crash, it was more like just kind of waking up and realizing, wait, when did I stop recognizing myself?

If I had to guess, I would say I was probably in my thirties around the time. Um, you know, I got married at 26 and then I had my first son at age 30, and by 36 I had four children back to back, to back to back. All. Approximately two years apart. I went from my whole world being about me and Tracy 24 7 to suddenly being someone's wife and being a mom four times over and.

With my children came, allergies, food allergies, something that I had never experienced. I've never experienced any kind of chronic illness. It was always Tracy of tonsillitis and take this pink stuff for 10 days and then it's gone. That's what I was used to. I wasn't used to this world of chronic sickness where your children have this and they'll always have it.

I didn't know how to deal with that. Suddenly something as reliable as food, whereas you either liked something or maybe you didn't like it, but it wasn't gonna kill you. I became afraid of food. I had to really, just for someone who overthinks everything, I had to think very hard every moment of the day about what I was gonna feed my children.

What they could and could not have. So I think that was the beginning of kind of the, my foundation being just disrupted. And then there was my father dying when I was 37 years old. Another huge rock, a big part of my foundation. There was something about walking in this world, knowing that Buck Brown was in it and that I was his daughter, and just that sense of protection, that father-daughter relationship, that is just irreplaceable.

I think that continued to kind of shake my foundation and my career. Something that I'd always loved. Just started to fade a little bit. The importance of it and all of this happening was just, it was just a lot. Until suddenly, I just didn't know what I wanted anymore. I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't know what was next for me.

I couldn't hear myself anymore, and I've always been able to figure it out. Okay. If right now I'm not happy, what would make me happy? Or if right now I'm doing this well, what's next for me? And it was a kind of a cool thing. Like I could always just point to what's next. So I started to do, I think what a lot of us do, I started to search outside of myself for the answers books.

I mean, I've always been an avid reader, but I really started di I switched from fiction. I used to always read fiction when I was much, much younger. I switched over to self-development books, um, podcasts, courses, TED Talks, Google advice from friends or colleagues or family. I mean, you name it, I tried it.

Meditation, several failed attempts. Um, again, going back to human design, my head center and my Ajna center, the two, um, if you're looking at your human design chart, the two symbols at the very, very top of your body graph, both of those are defined. For me, it's actually pretty rare to have a defined head center, but of course I have it.

So what does that mean? I have a constant loop of just mental chatter. It doesn't stop. My thinking does not stop. So meditating, quieting the noise can be very challenging for me. It's easier when I have something that I can fixate on if I'm listening to music or guided meditation. Um, it makes it easier.

Or if I'm exercising, when I am doing yoga and I'm in a pose that is challenging or maybe a little uncomfortable and I have to really focus on what I'm doing and breathing into that area, I realize the chatter has kind of quieted itself. So I would spend evenings and weekends and sometimes my entire vacations searching.

I would walk through grocery stores and look at the magazine covers and hope that something would jump out at me, something that would pique my interest. Um. I would watch television shows and talk to people. Just, I tried to fill my time, exposing myself to something, hoping that something would jump out with an answer for what's next for me, or how to solve the problem that I had.

I was determined that someone had the answer. I just had to find it, and the more that I seemed to search, the more lost I felt, and the further that I got. From myself, and I see this in so many women, especially those of us who've done all the right things, air quotes, you know, you've built the career, you've checked the boxes, you've held it all together.

It seems like somewhere along the way we lose our inner voice, or at least we stop listening to it. We lose trust in ourselves because we've been conditioned to believe that the answers are out. There. I don't know. Somewhere along the way we stopped trusting that knowing that inner, knowing that full body, yes.

That instinctual, no, the nudges, the signs, that gut feeling. We override it, we doubt it, we silence it and then we wonder why we feel lost or disconnected. You know? I wanted to share something that, um. I heard this morning I was on a call with my mentor, Kathy Heller, and I was so inspired by her words I wanted to share some of it with you.

She shared that your mind will beg you to shrink, but your wisdom lives in your body. You see, the mind tries to keep us safe by keeping us small, but the body. The body knows it's always talking to you. It's always whispering to you. It's always trying to get your attention. And the more we try to figure it out in our heads, the more we stay in in fear or doubt.

But when we come back to the body, whether that is through breath work or movement like yoga. Or just being aware we can remember who we are. This is another reason why I love human design. It simply helps you remember it. It gives you language for kind of what you already feel and know. I will warn you though, that you may have to retrain yourself to start listening to and trusting your body.

I know I did when you've been ignoring it for so long. You know, it takes a while to start to get in, in, to build that relationship with yourself again, to get in touch with yourself at that level. Again, most of us have been downplaying it or, or just ignoring those nudges,

and we often don't give it as much weight. As someone else telling us something is right for us or someone else giving us permission to do something. And you know when women are in potential danger, we're getting much better about reminding ourselves to trust our instincts, right? You'll hear people say that all the time.

Go with your gut, trust, your instincts. So why wouldn't that be true for every part of our life? Listen, I know I've been on quite the journey to get back to where I started at as a little girl, trusting myself fully, but I'm even stronger now for it sometimes going through the dark times, the valleys, the shadows, the uncertainty is exactly what we need to propel ourselves back into the knowing.

And understanding ourselves even better. And I'm on a mission to help women know themselves at an entirely new level of knowing. So this week I invite you to ask yourself, what if I already know? What if the answers are all within? And you can start by turning down the noise, even if just for a few minutes a day, just no inputs, no searching, just quiet.

Go for a walk without a podcast or maybe listen to a beautiful fix first, and then turn it off, and then finish your walk or sit with your journal without a prompt. Let your thoughts land without chasing them. And an additional invitation that I'll, I'll share that Kathy Heller shared with us that I loved, she encouraged us to set down the mind, set down the resistance, and if you'd like, and you're able to, you can close your eyes and see the version of you.

Who is fully alive, fully aware there is that knowing about her, that deep inner wisdom. She's connected to her soul, she's connected to her creator. She's fully open and available for a beautifully abundant life. See her? What is her posture like? What is she wearing? Notice it. Take it in. Sit down beside her beside and ask her, what do you know about me, us?

That I don't know or that I don't remember.

What do you believe about yourself? That I don't yet believe about me?

And then when you're ready, you can open your eyes and maybe capture those thoughts, write them down, and just kind of contemplate them.

And if you want additional support, remembering what's already in you, human design can help. As always, you can grab your free chart@abeautifulfix.com and when you're ready to go deeper, I'd love to walk through it with you in a one-to-one session. It's one of my favorite things in the world. So until we meet again.

Continue to get high on life. One beautiful fix at a time.