The Truth About Midlife Love: What Makes Relationships Last (And What Derails Them) With Bela Gandhi

If you’re in midlife wondering if the best love of your life already passed you by… take a breath. This conversation will flip that belief on its head.

I’m sitting down with Bela Gandhi, nationally known dating and relationship expert and founder of Smart Dating Academy, to talk about something every woman navigating her forties, fifties, and beyond needs to hear: it is absolutely possible to have the best love of your life in midlife.

We get into everything:

• Why so many women feel stuck or discouraged with dating

• What “gray divorce” really means for your next chapter

• How to break old patterns and stop attracting the same unavailable partners

• Smart dating strategies that actually work (even if apps make you cringe)

• Red flags, green flags, and how to date with confidence again

• Why chemistry isn’t the only indicator of real compatibility

• How to rebuild self-trust and choose someone who elevates you

• What it really takes to find a healthy relationship after 40 or 50

If you’re reentering the dating world, healing from divorce, craving a deeper connection, or simply curious about what love looks like at this stage of life… this episode is the pep talk, clarity hit, and reality check you’ve been waiting for.

Because midlife isn’t the end of your love story. It might actually be the very beginning.

Connect with Bela Gandhi

If you want more of Bela’s wisdom in your life, she’s easy to find and even easier to love.

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Visit SmartDatingAcademy.com and fill out the contact form — her team will reach out with next steps.

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Transcript

EP. 44: The Truth About Midlife Love: What Makes Relationships Last (And What Derails Them) With Bela Gandhi

A Beautiful Fix

[00:00:00] It is possible to have the best love of your life.

In midlife or after 50. So if you think you got one shot wrong. You can have the best love at any age. And so whether you're listening to this and you're wondering, oh my God, I've tried the apps. I can't do this. Is it for me? Blah, blah, blah. Yes, it is for you. No giving up. There's a perfect lid to every pot that is out there, right?

Or maybe you're listening to this and you're like, I'm in this relationship that is filled with red flags that I have been settling for for a long time. I will tell you what. Nobody is making you stay. You can go and you can have that experience of that lasting, enduring love that you've always dreamed of.

Welcome to a Beautiful [00:01:00] Fix. I'm Tracy Hill. Each week we'll dive into the latest thought, Jim recharging and reconnecting with what lights you up and makes you feel alive. Let's discover your next beautiful fix together.

Hey, real quick before we dive in, you're powerful and sometimes you just need someone to remind you what's already in you. That's what human design does. It's the difference between guessing and knowing so you can stop searching outside yourself and start trusting the answers within. I promise you, they're there.

Grab your free chart@abeautifulfix.com and when you're ready to go deeper, book a one-to-one session with me. Alright, let's get into the episode.

Today my guest is Bela Gandhi, founder of Smart Dating Academy, nationally recognized dating and relationship expert and host of Smart Dating [00:02:00] Academy, the podcast, which is globally ranked in the top 1.5%. She's been called the Fairy Godmother of Dating, and you've likely seen her on shows like Good Morning America Today, the Steve Harvey Show and the Kelly Clarkson Show.

Through her step-by-step coaching, Bela helps smart, successful people break old patterns. Choose healthy partners and find great love. A fun fact in human design, Bella is a three five generator with emotional authority. So what that means is she's literally designed to learn through real life experiences and keep finding new ways to improve life and relationships.

How perfect is that for a relationship expert? So Bela, welcome to a beautiful fix. I'm so glad you're here. I could not be more excited and more honored to be here. So thank you for having me. Of course. So [00:03:00] before we jump in, I have to give a little background of h How did, how did I get this amazing woman on my show?

So, Bela and I were recently on a, um, panel at a midlife upgrade event. And, um, if you have not checked out their events, they're phenomenal. Definitely check them out. But if you're, especially if you're here in Chicago, um. But Bela, they threw out, uh, a stat and I couldn't remember it exactly, but it kind of just blew me away and I thought I wanted to start with that.

So I don't remember exactly what that stat was, but I'm gonna throw out four. I Googled it, four stats, and I just wanna get your reaction. So there's something called gray divorce, which I hadn't heard before. That panel, which is basically kind of midlife divorce. Correct? Four, four. Four stats. About 36% of US adults getting divorced are aged 50 or older.

The rate of divorce among people 50 plus doubled between [00:04:00] 1990 and 2010. Divorce rates have been rising, especially fast among those aged 65 and older. And finally, among all divorces. The share involving 50 plus grew from under 10% and the 1970 to 1990 period to about one in three divorces in 2019, like tripled.

What is happening? What is happening? Why is this so? Right? It's menopause. No, I'm, I'm kidding, right? It's like, ah. But I think that there's so many factors, Tracy, as we go into this, right? It's like women. Have a lot more socioeconomic independence than we used to 30, 40, and 50 years ago. And so that's one piece of this where we, you know, whereas our grandmothers may not have been able to say, whoof, this is toxic.

Or, I need out, [00:05:00] because it's like, I need a place to live. I have to stay here. Right. It was more, mm-hmm. Transactional now with women, you know, we're in school in higher percentages. That certainly weighs into this. But the other thing is. We want more out of marriage and partnership than we ever have historically.

At any point in time. We want a soulmate, a lover, a best friend, a co-parent, a financial partner. Right? Whereas, you know, a thousand years ago, it's like. Hey, your farm's a little bigger than my farm. Let's do this. And then we're probably both going to die by the age of 30, so, well, you know, how bad can it be?

We got about 10 years to live together now. We're living a hell of a lot longer and we want a lot more out of marriage. So what do you think happens? And women are more independent once the kids. Get older. As we get older and they fly the coop, [00:06:00] we look at our partners or our partners can look at us and say, you know what?

I'm good. Juices, let's split. And sometimes it's amicable. Sometimes it feels like we've been blindsided, but I am not at all surprised at that number. Basically, I think more than tripling. If I was following your statistics, yes. That's amazing. So it's many factors. 'cause I was really trying to figure out what it is because when I look at even my own kind of friend group and, and inner circle, there aren't many people that are left that are married to the.

Their same partner, their, their original, you know, partner or most of them have gotten divorces at this point. There, there are a handful. And so I definitely can, when I thought about it, I was, I can definitely see it, but I was just wondering why. So that's really interesting and that makes a lot of sense.

We are to a place where we can ask for more. We can dream of more, we [00:07:00] can want more. We want partners. It's not just like a provider. Um. Wow, that's interesting. So Bella, what, what drew you to this work? Tell us a little bit about you and how did you come to be, become the relationship expert? You know, I think Tracy, I was born to do this.

I just discovered it as I went along in life. It's like, oh my gosh, my parents are immigrants from India. So you can be a doctor, you can be a lawyer, you can be an engineer, or you can be an entrepreneur. I was like, Ooh. I'm gonna go to business school out of those four choices. And so while I was in college, right, and high school, I was every one of you that might be listening that had bad dating patterns, if there was a bad dude around, you know, lots of red flags, lots of swagger.

Maybe a motorcycle, like all of that. I was your girl. Yep. That was me. And so I started to realize, wow, there's a bit of a pattern [00:08:00] here and the pattern isn't, and it was the first kind of look in the mirror, right? So often we turn the mirror outward and it's blame like I just attract the wrong people.

It's like, no girl, you are accepting the wrong people. Was the conversation that I had with the person in the mirror. And so. I had always found myself drawn to the self-help aisles back in our day. Now they call it personal growth, right? So self-help. I was like, okay. I mean, my parents are immigrants. They met on a Sunday.

They were mar they were engaged, uh, four days later on Thursday they were married 72 hours later. So I wasn't gonna get a lot of dating help from them. So I figured it out on my own, like, oh my gosh. Why am I attracted to these people? What I think is excitement is actually anxiety. Oh my God. These guys that are giving me butterflies are actually my body going, oh my God, danger wool Robinson, get out of dodge.

Heavy butterflies in your stomach aren't good for you. So I [00:09:00] started to put this little system together, which then led me to dating. The right person for women. We call them high GHQ guys, high and good husband qualities, who is now my husband of 28 years. And so I started to teach anybody who wanted to know it around me.

I started to teach my college roommates when I was in my twenties, even though I was working in mergers and acquisitions and then joined a family business the whole time I was showing people the way. To a good, healthy relationship. So finally when we sold our business and I extracted myself from GM IT in 2006, I started this business in 2009, and it's been like, you know when you feel like, oh my gosh, this is just what I was called to do.

Like not a day feels like work. That's how I feel. Bela, you are living your design. You are living your human design seriously. So you are a line three. I don't know how familiar are you with human design? Not very [00:10:00] familiar. Tell me everything. Okay, so you are a line three and the beauty of line three is it's, it's, um, like you live life through trial and error.

You to the outside world, it might look like, what is Bela doing? Like it looks a little messy over there. But it is the way you learn. You're meant to get out there and do it all. Just be adventurous, and you can't get it wrong. You can't fail. So just thinking about your initial dating pattern, you're either winning or learning, but there is no failure because through these life experiences, that's where you gain your wisdom.

As a line five, you are totally meant to impact the world at a broader, um, point of view. You're almost like a mirror because people project onto line fives. They, um, here's what I need you to be, Bella. Here's what I need you to do. I'm thinking about your parents with, you know, the career they project onto you what they want, you need you to be.

But line fives, they. [00:11:00] They, they're just amazing because they're here to solve problems. So when I, when I hear you just, I mean, we just jumped in. I'm sorry I didn't mean to geek out in human design this soon, but it's just you are truly living your, your design. Absolutely. My gosh, that's so great because for a long time I wish I had you when I was in high school or college to be like, no, this is what you should be doing.

Because I felt really unmoored for a lot of my life. Mm-hmm. And you're right, and I love everything you're saying. I was like, oh wow. Can we just talk about this? Um. So interesting because I am very much, I always say I'm a kinesthetic learner. Like I will get in there and I will learn it and I will go deep and I'll never forget the experience.

And I love how you said you're either winning or learning, right? It's like everything you do every day when you're brave and you just go out there, you're like, F it. I'm gonna try this. Because that's what I'm gonna do. Okay. I learned this, I learned that I'm not really good at this and [00:12:00] I didn't really enjoy this, and here's what I like about it.

So let me take the next step towards the good stuff that came out of this. That's, that's it. And you, you can't, you can't get it wrong. I mean, there's so much freedom in that. The, the worst thing you could do, Bela, is. Tell yourself I'm not gonna do it 'cause I might mess up or I'm just gonna stay here like that looks a little No.

Get out there, get messy. So just, just keep that in mind. But you're already doing it. You're already doing it. Um, so, okay, so we're talking about midlife love. Is there a certain like misconception around midlife love that you would just like to retire today? It is possible to have the best love of your life.

In midlife or after 50. So if you think you got one shot wrong. You can have the best love at any age. And so whether you're listening to this and [00:13:00] you're wondering, oh my God, I've tried the apps. I can't do this. Is it for me? Blah, blah, blah. Yes, it is for you. No giving up. There's a perfect lid to every pot that is out there, right?

Or maybe you're listening to this and you're like, I'm in this relationship that is filled with red flags that I have been settling for for a long time. I will tell you what. Nobody is making you stay. You can go and you can have that experience of that lasting, enduring love that you've always dreamed of.

That's beautiful. That's, that's so empowering. Um, I, I'm sure that there's so many listeners out there that just took a little bit of an exhale. Um, so what would you say to the woman who's maybe reentering the, the data. The, the dating game, um, after divorce or after just a long break? Like where, where should she start?

Call me. Learn how to do this [00:14:00] because Tracy think, did you ever go to dating school or relate no. To school? No, I did not. Right, and think about, my God, wouldn't I have been better had I done that right? If you learned about who am I? What am I bringing to the table? Who's the kind of person that makes me really happy?

We call them elevator people, right? What kind of, how do I want to be able to resolve conflict with this person? How do I wanna feel when I'm with this person? How do I never wanna feel again? And we don't think about this. When we get back into the dating pool, we think, okay, I want him to be this tall and I want him to make this much money and I want him to live within five blocks of me and I want him to be my race, or this or that.

And that's what we think about. But a lot of times what we miss are the things that really matter that stand towards time. Bela really quickly, you just reminded me of another thing that you mentioned. During that panel, [00:15:00] you told us the number one thing that most women look for in men. What was that? You ready for it?

Ladies and gentlemen? The number one thing, when I say, tell me about your dream guy to women. He's tall. Tall, what? Tall. Okay. Wow. We are still living with our cavemen brains. Yes, right. Again, marriage was transactional. Back in the day, I needed somebody that could protect and provide somebody that was big that could fight off the wildebeest and you know, the marding villagers that were gonna come in to, you know, and take over our village.

But today. Does that really matter? No, no, no. It doesn't. It doesn't. And that's it. It's like, what brain am I thinking with? Am I thinking with my conscious brain that wants me to be happy? Or am I thinking about my [00:16:00] prehistoric brain? Or a lot of women we're like, you know what, we're under such scrutiny for how we look right?

And if I don't feel good about myself and I'm feeling a little doy and a little bloated, and maybe I've gained that menopausal 15, 20 pounds, I feel like man. If I was with someone who was bigger than me, it would just make me feel small. So there's some of that in here as well. So when you say, I just like what I like, you can change who and what you're attracted to, but you have to have these conversations with yourself.

You absolutely do. And you know, you we're also raised to hear tall, dark, and handsome. You just, we've kind of always just been told that this tall, so for me, my father was six. Two, my brother's, six, five. All my cousins are over six feet. So naturally I wanted a man who was gonna be tall. I mean, that was my father, that was my brother.

My husband is my height. And I remember when I met him, I had two questions for my girlfriend 'cause [00:17:00] she was friends with him. Pulled her into the bathroom. I said, number one, is he younger than me? 'cause I was a deal breaker. I was a senior in high school. I'm not dating anyone younger. I mean, again, you know, the things that we find important are kid, is he younger?

Yeah. Right. She said, no, he's a senior. I was like, check that works. Is he shorter than me? That was my next question. She was like, Hmm. And it's interesting because I it, when I hear people with their list of what they want on the surface level, I get it. But I keep trying to impress upon people. Find someone who makes you feel good.

Like who's a beautiful soul, who's kind, who can be your best friend? I think I, I will have been married 29 years next month, and when I talk to people, I always say, marry your best friend. Marry your best friend. I can't think of better advice than that. And I know when you're first dating, it's hard to know, but does he make you feel good?

Does he make you laugh? Is he a kind person? Is he kind to the [00:18:00] waiter? You know what I'm saying? I think those things matter more than anything 'cause you can figure out anything. If you have someone who's genuinely along, going along, you know, with this crazy ride of life with you, what are, what are your thoughts?

I couldn't agree with you more. And one of the things that we do client by client is we have them define this set of people that they call their elevator people, and I go through them by hand. For those of you watching, literally you can see this. Who are the elevator people in your life and why did they make you happy?

And Bela, really quickly, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to elevator people. Is that because they lift you up? Yes. Yes. Okay. I get so into the weeds. I figure y'all know what they're, I came up with it one day. I'm like, the people that make you happy love it. That lift you up, that elevate you. And I started calling them elevator pupil and not a Or it's like they elevate you, [00:19:00] right?

Yes. It's like people are like an elevator. I'm like, it has nothing to do with an up down elevator. And so it. It's such a fascinating exercise to have embarked on with thousands of people because they, we never really stopped to think about who are the people in my life that make me really happy? And I have to give everybody a minute to think about their people.

Like, this is the creme de la creme of the people in your life. And we go through them person by person, and then. What I find eerily happens is a theme emerges when I'm asking and prodding for the right things. And so, and the big thing then is guess what? We're gonna look for a person. And like long term, if you were my client, Tracy, I would say, here's the deal.

We now know what the theme of your elevator people is. And now let's say for you, it's somebody who. Laughs with me [00:20:00] is always there for me, is my cheerleader, right? Will always have my back, is kind of what I heard you saying, like is my best friend. Right? Then that person that you're gonna end up with has to become the number one elevator person on your list with the same qualities that your people already have.

We know how to bring people that elevate us into our lives. We just haven't married the two. It's like, oh wait a second. My romantic partner should be a person like that. Hell yes. Yes. And this is what I figured out back in college. And so I started dating my male best friend. And now we have been married for 28 years.

We're right behind you right there. When's your anniversary? May 17th. Nice. That's beautiful. I'm telling you. Yeah. Take, take fellow's advice. Um, so confidence I can imagine in, in midlife confidence might be a little wobbly. Um. What, what would be your [00:21:00] suggestions to kind of rebuild it? If you're thinking about putting yourself back in the, the dating game, get some help.

Whoever that is right, you, it takes a damn village to find love people, so. You know, whether you hire, whether you have a therapist, therapists have boundaries. They can only go up to a certain line. You know, maybe you hire a coach, maybe you have a support group of friends that are single that understand what this is like.

Get some help around this because statistics show 40 to 50% of first marriages end in divorce when we try it again without intervention. 67% of second marriages end in divorce, and that number goes into the seventies for third divorces. So get help around this. Companies like mine didn't exist 20 years ago, right?

It's like, what happened? You got married one time and if it didn't work out, they're like, well, there's that spinella that sits around and she's 50 now and Oh, I don't know how she's gonna meet [00:22:00] anybody. We don't use those kinds of terms anymore. We don't say old maid. We don't say spinsters, right? Yes, because.

The dating apps have democratized dating. So you can find love and the right lid to your pot at any age, but you gotta have, you've gotta have a process to follow. It's like anything in life, if you wanted to get fit, you would say, okay, this is what I'm gonna do for nutrition. This is what I'm gonna do for movement.

This is what I'm gonna do for my mental health. Right. And you have to have a plan for anything big to happen in your life. Can you tell us a little bit about what the process is like? Working with you? Like what? What does a relationship coach do? Yeah. We're like the personal trainer for your love life.

So we're in it with you. We are. Teaching you a process, figuring out who your elevator people are, figuring out what your personal red flags are, both the ones you accept and the [00:23:00] ones that you might exhibit right, and now pacing your relationships. So we have you develop a dating funnel. I want multiple people in a dating funnel.

There ain't no one and done dating as soon as you do one and done. We jump outta the market too fast. We. Ignore red flags. We get physical too fast here. I'm like, I just want you to date. Yes. We're not gonna get exclusive until it's been three months or 15 dates, which means you might have three or four people in your dating funnel, and that's okay.

And we look at them, what do I do date by date? Our clients have graphs, they have scorecards, they have coaches. They know exactly we are in it. To wrap you in pink sparkly bubble wrap to protect you from getting dinged up through this process so we know where you are. At all times and we're helping you look everything big in your life.

As you know, Tracy and I know all the big things are a series of small [00:24:00] decisions that were made correctly most of the time. Yes. And so to find love, you've gotta make a whole bunch of yes nos on a date by date basis to get to that juicy, lasting love. So that's what we help you to do. I love it. And I have so many questions.

I had to take some notes. So you're in, you are saying, we're not gonna get serious too soon. We're going to kind of date a couple of people. Several people. Do they inform the people that they're dating? So like, let's say they go on their first date and they really, really actually kinda like the guy, but then you're like, no, no, no.

We need to, you know, to date some other people. Do they let that person know that they're working with a relationship coach that they have, you know, they're going to, to hold off getting exclusive or, or do they keep that part to themselves? I advise keeping it to themselves. Just assume everybody's dating everybody.

Mm. Right. And if somebody asks you to get exclusive really fast, after three or four dates, we help them write scripts [00:25:00] on how to say, Hey, you know what? I'm a slow burn. I really like where this is going, but I wanna take this really slowly so I don't make mistakes I've made in the past. So how do you, and at that point, let's say, that actually happened to me.

Okay. On date four. And somebody's like, I wanna lock you down. I'm liking you, and I'm like, okay, but I'm following the smart dating process. Mm-hmm. That's too fast. I delivered that little monologue. Now the gentleman has two choices he can say. That's crazy. And I'm looking for someone who's as serious as I am.

And if that's not you, and if you don't just know peace out. That is a giant ass red flag. I was. I was waiting for you to wave your flag. Yes, giant. Yes. And if he says, you know what? I know you're right for me, but you take as long as you need. 'cause I'm right here for it. You date who you need to date. You do what you need to do.

[00:26:00] Yes. I'm cool with that. Yes. Right. Okay. Awesome. We're going to get rid of guy number one that tried to control the situation and make you feel bad and make you feel like you're missing out. I have had clients have conversations with people when they wanna slow roll it and the guy will be like, do you know how many women would die to become exclusive with me?

Do you know I have a 10 pack underneath this shirt? It's like, dude. Oh, you just red flagged yourself three more times. Yes. And and so Bela, is that because in the first scenario, wait, they're trying to lock you down. Does that show you a little bit that this person is kind of insecure, kind of controlling, um, and the other person who's like, listen, do what you need to do.

To me, that tells me that he's pretty confident and he's whole by himself. It's like, I'm fine. Yes. I don't need you to complete me. [00:27:00] Well, so I'll stop there. Yes. Is that kind of okay? Yes. It's confidence. Yes. And it is. I want what's best for you. Yes. I want what's best for you. And when you and I talk to about elevator people and best friends, one of the things I know would be on your elevator person list.

And it would be someone who wants what's best for me. Absolutely. And loves me for me. And if you say I need time, that person will say. Tracy, my beautiful person. You take all the time you need. That's right. So I wanna find out about some other red flags, like when you're starting the data, uh, the dating process.

But one of the thing I I wanted to throw up before I forget is one of the things I mentioned at the panel, and I'm convinced by it and feel free to shut me down, is that one of the first steps I have to believe is to. Date yourself first to get to know yourself first, to really understand yourself.

'cause I feel like so many people, I know I did this when I was broken, when [00:28:00] I, when I was going through my whole, leaving my corporate job and I was just very broken and I was looking for something else to complete me. And I feel like that's a recipe for disaster. If you can get heal yourself. And get whole with yourself and date yourself.

Know yourself well. You're bringing that to someone. New. Thoughts? Thoughts there? Am I crazy? No, you're not crazy at all. Right? People often ask me like, what's the right time to date? I'm like, have you healed? Yeah. Just know why that didn't work out. What caused the dumpster fire? Right. Yes. Because if not, you cannot outrun grief.

Mm. In fact, what you do is if you're putting it on fast forward to try to outrun the grief, you're gonna end up jumping into the next dumpster fire. Yes. And so taking that time, and for some people, let's come back to the divorce thing [00:29:00] for example, or breakup for some people that have been in. Loveless marriages for a long time.

They've done that processing towards the end of their marriage. They've gotten into therapy, they've worked on themselves. They know as the divorce is going on, what. They what their part in this was what they want this time around. So I think that that timeframe can change for anybody with regards to when they did their work.

But the point is you do need to, I like how you say date yourself and part of dating yourself is really knowing how the hell did I get into this mess in the first place? Because if you just try to outrun that and you don't do that work, you are gonna end up in that same mess all over again. Different face, same sitch.

Absolutely. Life is about learning. And um, if you don't get the lesson, I tell this to my sons all the time, so if you don't get the lesson, if you're just gonna keep repeating, [00:30:00] repeating it. Blaming others and it's going to come out in some form or some way if the, if the trauma is still there, you may not, you may think that you're healed, but it's just smart to me to just take that time to yourself and not to jump into something else.

Um, but Bela, I wanted to ask, you, we're talking about people that have gone through divorces and are think about dating, but what about you and I, so we've been in relationships for 28 years. Um, is there advice that you would give to us because. There has to be a reason that you're starting to see maybe a little bit of pattern.

I'm sure there's probably plenty of them, of why people end up their marriages end. Is there something that we should be aware of? Because I know for me, sometimes you get to the point where you're almost taking it for granted, and I don't wanna ever take it for granted. Every time I hear about another one of our friends uncoupling, I turned, I, I try to be very conscious of what I have and not take, you know, him or the relationship for granted.

TH things that, that we should be aware of people that are in relationships. [00:31:00] Yeah. I think knowing that that's a normal phenomenon, we think sometimes when we're not feeling all those hormones anymore, well now I've fallen outta love. No love changes. That excitement becomes safety. Right. And that person feels like home, right?

And so sometimes we're like, oh my gosh, I am taking this person for granted. And now, especially for women, women have what we call a diffuse awareness, right? We, from the cavemen times, we had to manage a whole bunch of different things. We had to have the babies keep the babies. When the men that were hunters.

Went off to sit in a tree and do their one job, which was shoot the buffalo. We had to tend the crops. We had to make good with all the other women to make sure that we kept community, that our kids would be safe if we had to go farm. You could watch my kids, so women, and we always had to look for, oh my gosh, there's something wrong.

I [00:32:00] need to fix this. I need to fix that. Right. To make sure that we kept it all together. Yes. So what happens, women, we have a fix that mentality. And it leads to our negativity bias. Like if something's broken, I gotta fix that. So in relationships, we bring that negativity bias, and so if there's something to keep in mind, it is.

Knowing there's nothing, you're not mean, you're not bad. And for some people it can feel like, oh, I'm taking this person for granted, or I'm nagging them, or I always complain about them. You know, it's part of the way your brain is wired, but you now with the awareness have the option to say, oof, I'm not gonna let the negativity bias win.

I'm going to look for what's good in my partner consciously, and I'm going to notice. What he does for me, which if you've been in this for 28 years, chances are there's a whole lot that he's doing for you. And seeing those things, even the little things, oh my [00:33:00] gosh, you bring me coffee every morning. I'm grateful for this.

Right? Whatever those things are, notice those things and say those things and watch his eyes light up a little bit, like, oh my gosh, you see me? It doesn't take much except we have to fight the biases in our brain and taking the time to not just think it, but let them know. Let them know. Let them know.

Show gratitude. Thank you for doing this and see it. Yeah. And then say, oh my gosh, I really appreciate you. And there are times where, to your point, you look at your friends that are uncoupling, have the conversation with your husband. Right. And it feels so vulnerable, like. How do you feel like we're doing?

How can I love you better? Right? Because I want this to be a forever thing and I always say till death do us part and I hope I die first. Yes, right? Yes. And right. And [00:34:00] that's, but how can I love you better? Hmm, that's so, that's so interesting that you say that. 'cause I, with each conversation, when we find out the news that someone else says we do have that conversation, I kind of turn to him like, are are we okay?

Are we good? Um, yes. And, and I am the same way. I talk to his heart. Sometimes at night I'll just roll over and just say, okay, here's the dhar. You have the most important job in the world. I need you to beat at least one day longer than mine. That is the deal I've made with his heart. 'cause I can't, I can't imagine, I can't imagine being in this world without him.

But, um, Bela, what's the secret to your 28 years? It's all of these things that I'm telling you, I'm living it, I'm breathing it. Right? And this is why I tell people in the dating world, like you wanna have someone help you that ultimately has the thing you're looking for, right? There's coaching is unregulated.

Anybody could say, you know, a lot of TikTok influencers that are out there, no shade. They're [00:35:00] 22 years old. They're 32 years old. I don't know that they've ever been in a healthy, happy relationship, but that doesn't make you, because you're spewing out experiences that you're having in the dating world that doesn't make you a dating expert.

It's like, think about how you would wanna hire a personal trainer. It's like. Does that person have the challenges that I've had? Do they get me maybe, did they lose 20 pounds? Did they not come out naturally? Like you have to think about what's important to me in this process and who do I want to help supporting me?

And if that person doesn't have what you want already, you might go, huh, maybe that's not the right person. Then do you find that people start saying, this is what I want, and then after they go through the process, they realize. It's actually something completely differently, or do they kind of find what they initially said that they were looking for?

So I can answer that question in a couple different ways. I mean, when people, when clients come to me, for example, [00:36:00] there's a lot of people in the world that have a lot of money to throw at a lot of problems. Now, that's not everybody, but I have clients that have paid matchmakers. Right. I'm not a matchmaker.

We do dating and relationship coaching. We teach you a process and then hold your hands through that. They'll hire matchmakers that'll charge $10,000 per date. Tracy, a date counts as a zoom call. If you say, if you know, here's John. John lives in Chicago. He's, you know, 57, he's an engineer, la, la, la, la, la.

You just paid $10,000 to do a Zoom with John. Right? Oh, right. And so there's a lot of, there's, there's a lot to this process. Tell me the question you asked me again, 'cause I went off on this matchmaking tangent for a reason. Here's, here's that whole midlife thing. What did I ask? Um, oh my God, it'll come back.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no. So I was asking yes. Do people [00:37:00] typically. When they, when they let you know like, here's the elevator person what they want, do they end up with that person or do they realize that's not even what I was really looking for? So we have them do two lists, their dream guy or their dream girl list, and then their elevator person list.

So when most people that find love when they're working with us, they get an elevator person with a lot of things that they wanted on their list as well. Now we might have to be flexible To your own personal point, I thought I wanted someone who was six two or six five, like my dad or my brothers. Oh my gosh.

There's this amazing guy that came along who's my height. You were willing to say? I'm okay. I'm negotiable on that one, right? For some people, that's ethnicity. For some people, that's religion. For some people, that's a university degree or a piece of paper, right? How do we negotiate the things that really matter to us long term?

And that's the beauty of the dating process. When you're looking for an elevator person, that person that makes you [00:38:00] feel like the best people in your life do what you find. Which is so beautiful. Tracy is new. People start to become attractive to you through this process 'cause you are looking for different things.

You have put on a new set of glasses and a different set of lenses. Yes. So new people come into focus for you. Yes. It's kind of like when you look for cars and you go out and you say, I'm gonna take a look at this Lexus. And all of a sudden you see them everywhere when you make your elevator list. You start noticing the things that were probably on your list.

Absolutely. And you're like, oh my gosh. And then when you learn about red flags, you're like, oh, that's great. You're handsome and you're funny, and you're smart. But you monopolized the conversation the entire time and you were checking out the other women in the room and you were short with the waitress red flag.

Don't care how cute you are. Yes. Don't care how successful you are. Bye. [00:39:00] Okay, so Bela Red flags. What are some red flags? I'm, you've, you know, I've hired you. I'm on my first date with this guy. What are some red flags that I need to be looking for? We've covered some of One of the things as somebody who's negative and plays the victim, and sometimes, especially as women, we're empathic, we're sympathetic, we're like, oh, that's so awful.

He had three terrible ex-wives and he is so nice. My gosh, I could love that right out of him. No, you cannot. When somebody's playing the victim and it's always everybody else's fault, one day you're gonna be the person he's complaining about. Right? Because I was gonna ask people put on, I'm showing up for my first date.

I'm gonna try to pull out all the amazing things about Tracy that I want you to see is, is, is that part of the dating 15 dates so that it, you have time to see these people over time. How does, how do you, navi, you know, what am I trying to say? How, how do you [00:40:00] get around someone putting on the perfect profile and the perfect first date?

You're right. The answer is two. It's time and repeated dates. Mm-hmm. So that's why we say we don't want anybody to get exclusive. Okay. Yeah. That means just taking your profile down, saying that you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend that's 15 dates over three months. Now we're gonna coach you to make sure that this person is not a wolf in sheep's clothing, that you weren't dating the representative.

Right. Because typically. If somebody has red flags and they've been able to hide them at most, it's four months post exclusivity that those red flags will start to come out. You can't hide 'em that much longer. Right. Okay. Now the question is, dear listener, do you have the right lenses on to look for the red flags?

Do you know what they are? And if you don't, people could be throwing 'em down. But if you're not aware of them, or because you've dated and been married [00:41:00] to so many red flag people that you don't even see 'em, you're like, that's a green flag. Now that is not a green flag, that is a red flag. Then you might need some help around this process.

Mm. What are some green flags? Somebody that makes you feel. Like the best version of yourself where it feels like it's easy, the conversation just flowed. You felt seen. You felt like they were interested in you, and you were interested in them, and they're consistent. If they say, I'll call you at six. They call you at six.

Yeah. If they say, let's go out next Thursday, they're gonna take you out on Thursday. Simple. Kindness and consistency are two highly underrated human traits. We value quantitative stuff so much higher than qualitative. And we need to start prioritizing the right thing. And I love that you [00:42:00] said consistency.

'cause I feel like that's the key. Anyone can be kind for an hour, you know, uh, an hour, couple of dates, but consistently being kind and in different aspects of their life. I, I think that is, that's huge. A hundred percent. So looking for the right things, and like you said, how do I wanna feel when I'm with this person?

Yes. So let's talk about boundaries. Um, you go on this date and you realize this is not, this is not working. Is there, is there a way to very gracefully let someone know without hurting their feelings? Or how, how do you, besides without ghosting them, how do you back out of that? Yeah. If you aren't feeling it after a few dates, then it's really up to you to decide, is this a conversation I can have over text, or do I have to pick up the phone to call somebody?

Right? I don't think a face-to-face conversation is for way later in the game, [00:43:00] but if it's early enough. You know, we have something called the goodbye sandwich, where we help people structure, how do you say something nice? Okay. Put the meat in the middle, close out with something nice and you're done.

Right? And for, and chemistry can grow later in the game. Okay? Yes. So if you're listening to this, I want you to know you don't have to feel sparkly. Sparkly right away, right? When you have a process to follow. Okay, the chemistry can grow later in the game. It can be the fifth date, the eighth date, the 10th date.

I married someone I was friends with when I got my mental house in order and started prioritizing the right things. And then the attraction grew, right? So don't be so quick to cut bait on people just because you're not feeling chemistry. Now, I'm going to answer your question. If there were red flags and you wanna let this person go, how do you do that?

You don't do that in [00:44:00] person. I don't want you to be like, even after a first terrible date. Okay? 'cause safety is my primary concern. Don't want any conflict. Don't want any altercations. Let's say it's the worst date you've ever been on, and he's like, yeah, I wanna take you out again. You're like, that'd be great.

Touch base with me later on and let's figure it out. Okay, great. Then when you go home and you're safe and nobody picks you up at your house, nobody drops you off at your house. Right, so you are meeting people there. The goal in dating is safety people. These are strangers. Even if you were set up with somebody by someone you know, you don't know them, and your friend doesn't know what this person is like in the dating world, they might know he's a great colleague at work.

That doesn't mean anything in the dating world. People mean well when they set us up, but they don't know. So if it's the biggest red flag date ever, fine, great. Then you can just say, Hey Mark, you [00:45:00] know it was nice meeting you last night. I'm feeling, you know, more of a friendship connection. I'm sure you're gonna make somebody else very happy.

Thank you so much. Send something kind. You don't burn a bridge. And you keep yourself safe? Not on, not in person. Okay. Okay. So if someone hates apps, you know, um, they're, they're old school. They just, they can't, they don't, they're not comfortable with profiles and dating apps. Are there any other ways in today's world to meet people?

It's harder, right? I talk about deal flow. You want deal flow. The apps give you deal flow. Now, I'm not saying it's great deal flow, but you're gonna get more options if you're, I mean, think about it. You're single. You can go to a dinner club for singles, you can go to a singles event. You can ask people in your life to set you up.

Nobody wants to be going to bars, right? Even 20 somethings don't want to be going to the [00:46:00] bars to meet people. Right. Things have changed at this point, so. I would say to you, it's gonna be harder to meet if you're not using an app. So if you need somebody to make you comfortable with how dating apps work, do not hesitate to hire somebody to help you.

There is no reason to do this on your own if you're afraid. So have somebody hold your hand through the process. We're out here and that's what we do every day, is get people comfy with this. Nobody wants to be on a dating app. We all feel exposed, we all feel vulnerable, right? But there are smart ways to get on the apps where you don't feel as exposed.

And you can probably let people know the different kinds of apps, right? Like if you're looking for this kind of person, or this is the best one for this. Yeah, there's so many different ages, different cities who you're looking for. It's all it all, it's all malleable and changeable and there's [00:47:00] no one right answer this.

I heard this recently. This was kind of pointed toward the younger generation about how they, um. It's interesting. They're growing up in this generation of dating apps and the phenomenon is you, you meet someone on this dating app, you go on a date, they might be great, but then you come home and you have six more.

I, I've never been on one, but six more. Um, choices or options. So people are now constantly comparing this person that they just went out with in real life to these people, these options on this app. I mean, when I, when I saw it like that, I thought that is really challenging because when I was coming up, you had to physically meet someone.

You weren't gonna go home and later on that night and have six more options, you know, calling you. So how, how do you deal with that? How do you cut that off? How do you say what's in front of me is better? I'm gonna stop with this app stuff. Remember, what I want you to do is have multiple options [00:48:00] until you've dated somebody enough, okay?

The attraction has built, we know there's no red flags. We know that they're an elevator person. Now, at that point, Tracy, after three to four months. Then we can say, let's shut off the other options. But you also have to know when you have the right mindset, and you look at this as building a dating funnel, it's not constantly like you're in, you're out.

I want you to keep everybody in the funnel until they have red flags or you know, you're not gonna be attracted. But when people, the biggest mistake that they make is thinking, it's one and done dating, I gotta have one. I'm like, no, you don't. That's if you're married and that's after a hell of a lot of vetting in the beginning, have multiple, it's old school dating.

It's like if you were gonna go out and get back into the corporate world, right? You would dust off your resume, you would take new headshot, you'd get a new interviewing suit, you'd have [00:49:00] headhunters, you'd be talking to your friends. You'd be looking at a bunch of different companies. You wouldn't be like, oh, okay.

The first job that comes into my lap is gonna be the job. Right. But that's how we date. And we shouldn't, we should look at this. It's like if you were out there interviewing, right? The more job offers you would have, the more powerful you are and the more you're gonna be able to pick the best position for you.

Well, um, are there any little pointers you might have for people? Um. Again, younger generation. I know with texting, uh, you have to, there are all these kind of rules. You can't leave someone on red for too long and you can't. Listening to my sons, I'm like, I, I can't. Is it like that in the dating world? How often?

How much texting is too early on? Do you, do you walk people through little things like that? Yes. I have a client I'm working with right now who's in her early thirties and just wants to keep [00:50:00] texting. I was like, no, you're doing all the work. I want this person who, she's like, I texted him on Sunday night at 10 57 and it's now Monday at five 50.

He hasn't responded. She's like, maybe he has a DHD. Maybe he has, you know, maybe I should give him Grace. I said, maybe you should let him show you who he is. That's hard for people because we want instant gratification, right? Yes. And so I. The younger generations have it a little harder, but ultimately humans are looking for the same thing, which is that connection.

So no, you don't wanna over text people. I have my clients put dating into two blocks, 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening, and I don't want you over texting with somebody because texting all day makes you think. You know this person, but you don't. You don't. You could be corresponding with [00:51:00] their AI chat, their agentic bot.

You don't know who you're talking to. You and I know who we're talking to 'cause we are here face to face. We're not texting. Yes. And, and it, you know, just hearing you describe all that, people show you who they are. They show you who they are. Believe them. I always hear people making excuses and trying to, and maybe, and maybe I feel like when it's true, it's simple.

Yeah. It's easy. And that doesn't mean that you don't have ups and downs and drama. I mean, relationships can be bumpy, but when you, when it's too much trying to figure out, and I'm. To me, that's where I start to raise a little bit of a red flag. It, it should be easy for the most part. Easy is key, right? Yes.

And develop slowly over time. Right? If it's hard in the beginning, to your point, when people show us who they are, believe that if they say, I'll, I'll call [00:52:00] you tomorrow, and they don't. Without an explanation like, Hey, I know we were supposed to get on a six o'clock call today. Work has crushed me. Could we talk tomorrow during lunch instead?

Okay, life happens. I will give you that. You knew that you had a commitment and you had to reschedule. Totally viable. But if somebody keeps flaking and flaking and flaking like that. We all have friends like that. We all have that friend where you're like, okay, it's three days before I'm waiting for the cancel to come in.

It's two days before. It's one day before. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Here it is. Yes. So right. Don't be that person. We're looking for consistency and reliability. Yes. Why would you accept that from somebody you're dating if it annoys you with your friends? Right. Right. And it's, it's not gonna get better with time.

That's a spoiler alert. Say that again For the people in the back. It's not going to get better with time. Yes. You were [00:53:00] dating the glossed up shiny version when I worked with Steve Harvey for seven seasons on his show. He was like, right. You're dating the representative in the beginning. Yes. I love that the representative.

And then the math will come off later because what was his book that he was famous for? He's just not that into you act like a lady and think like a man. Okay, wait. Oh, okay. Maybe that was his like slogan or something. Like he would maybe, I, I'm trying to think. Maybe it's not Steve, but I thought it was like, if he does this, then he's just not that into you.

And if he does that, like he kind of pointed out, but maybe, maybe not. You know who, what that is. You are right. Different show. Those were the sex and the city writers, Greg Barron wrote the book. He's just not that into you. Okay. That's what I'm thinking. So hilarious. You're, you're on point. They're both movies and they're both kind of saying the same thing.

Right. Bella, before we get into my beautiful fixed speed round, which is not fast, um, anything [00:54:00] else that we have not talked about that you or like. Listeners, I need you to hear me on this. I think you have juiced out the big bit already, miss Tracy, so I think we are ready to go. Okay. Alright. Well, so just first thing that comes to mind, what makes you come alive?

People. People's come alive. What's a, what's a song that instantly shifts your mood or makes you feel something crazy in love? Beyonce. Ooh. Yes. It makes sense. Is there a book that cracked you open or stayed with you long after the last page? The Big Leap. Oh, it's sitting here on my desk. Yes. For those of you listening to this, it's The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks.

Amazing. It sits here in front of me. Okay. I feel like I listen to the audio of that. Give me a quick synopsis of the summary of it as human beings. We can [00:55:00] have constant joy. Mm-hmm. And be in constant flow. We have an inner thermostat that's set that if we're not aware of it, as soon as we get to that joy and we start feeling great joy, we f ourselves up by doing something self-sabotaging.

We upper limit ourselves because of the thermostat setting. If I'm set at 74, what happens if it gets to 75? God, push it down. Yes ma'am. And that's where we do things to ourselves or to others where we worry. About things we have no control over. We criticize ourselves, we criticize other people, we pick fights with other people.

And why is that? Because our thermostat, we're upper limiting ourselves. And so this book to me, every time I, I was like, oh, there I go upper limiting myself again. That's not cool. Right? And so I, this book has had a [00:56:00] profound impact on how I think about things. I tend to be a person that can wake up at three in the morning worried about my college daughter.

Oh my gosh, she's got all these job interviews and this and that, and I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And he says, when you feel that worry, that criticism, whatever coming up. There's a positive feeling that is trying to come up, that you are blocking. So I want you to look at that negative feeling and put it away and feel in your body, where's that positive feeling coming from?

Oh my God. And when I look at that worry at three in the morning, I'm like, I'm worried about her. And then I can catch it and I can say. What is this positive feeling that I'm trying to hide? I was like, oh my gosh. I'm really excited for the new vision for Smart Dating Academy and that's what I've been working on.

So me upper limiting myself is worrying about something I have no control over right now. So I'm gonna stop 'cause I just hit my thermostat. Bam. Back in [00:57:00] Joy. Back in Joy. I love it. And thank you for reminding me about that book and it is so true. We all do it. You. You know, that other side of your comfort zone is so scary, but that is where life is.

And yes, we tend to wanna reset and. The big leap. I love it. The big leap. What's your favorite little indulgence or guilty pleasure? Something that just brings you joy? I love walks and I walk all the time, and for me it's like when I've had a day jammed with clients, I'm like, okay, I can have this conversation.

I just need to be in movement outside and walking. So somehow the act of being in the sunlight and moving my body. Is life giving force. That's one thing that always reminds you how beautiful life really is. Being in gratitude, knowing how important, [00:58:00] again, we upper limit ourselves, right? And part of staying in that state of constant joy is.

Gratitude evidence. Looking around, oh my gosh, look at all these things that are working for me. Look at the abundance that I have right now. Look at, oh my gosh, I'm here. I get to be on Tracy's podcast. What a gift. I've made a new friend. I've learned I'm a three five, right? Like, look at the gifts that I've gotten just through this conversation.

Grateful. I love it. Well, Bella, where can listeners find you and work with Smart Dating Academy and listen to your podcast? Go to any place you get your podcast, the Smart Dating Academy podcast. We have so many. There's like 180 episodes on there. You will be sick of me by the time you listen to the 180 episodes.

You will know a lot. You'll hear love stories of [00:59:00] people that were just like you, that were doubtful broken, where whatever they called themselves. And they elected to do the courageous thing and invest in themselves and invest in having somebody help them find love and how they walked through the process and how they found love.

So you can hear those episodes, you can hear me, you can hear experts, you hear people from my team. Follow us at Smart Dating Academy on Instagram. We post every day. And ladies and gentlemen, if you are in for the Big leaf. F the big leap and you're done upper limiting yourself. Fill out a contact form on our website and we will get in touch with you to get on our wait list for VIP coaching.

Is it for both men and women? Yes. Right, everybody. Love is love, love. Would you say your clientele skews more towards women, men, or. We have more women, probably 70% women, 30% men only because women tend to tell each other what they're [01:00:00] doing. I have a dating coach. The guys that we have often come to us, 'cause they'll see me on tv or they'll go on a date with somebody who listens to our podcast.

And they'll be like, you know, you should listen to this podcast that I listened to, and that's how we get male clients. So feel free to pass this episode on to a guy that you think needs it. Well, thank you Bella, for reminding us that love at this stage is more than possible and it can be beautiful. Yes.

And for everyone listening, check out Bella's podcast for sure. It's wonderful. And take one tiny step this week. Update a photo, set a boundary. Say yes to an invite and notice how it feels in your body. And until next time, stay high on life. One beautiful fix at a time. Thank you, Bella. Thank you.

 Thanks for listening to a Beautiful Fix. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe and leave a quick review to help others find us. And if you'd like to share your own beautiful fix or [01:01:00] join me as a guest, reach out anytime at tracy@abeautifulfix.com. Looking forward to next time.