The Conversation Women Aren’t Having About Intimacy with Elana Auerbach

What happens when women reconnect to themselves?

In this episode, I’m joined by Elana Auerbach for a conversation about intimacy, pleasure, self-trust, embodiment, and why so many women feel disconnected from this part of themselves in the first place.

This episode is about connection. To your body. To your desires. To your nervous system. To the parts of yourself you may have stopped listening to somewhere along the way.

Elana shares her deeply personal story of stepping off what she calls “the conveyor belt of life,” leaving a marriage that looked good on paper but didn’t feel aligned in her body, and eventually creating a weekly “pleasure practice” with her husband that completely transformed their intimacy and relationship.

We talk about:

• why intimacy can feel uncomfortable or vulnerable
• what happens when women disconnect from their bodies
• pleasure and nervous system regulation
• trusting your body’s signals
• the power of slowing down
• feminine energy, embodiment, and self-acceptance
• why intimacy is something we practice, not just something that happens

Elana is the creator of the Sure Thing LOVE Experiment and author of The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice to Revive the Spark.

Elana is also gifting listeners a free guided visualization:
 A Journey to Connect and Deepen With Your Wild Sensual Self
You can access it here: https://guide.surethingexperiment.com/wild-sensual-self

Connect with Elana:
Website: https://surethingexperiment.com/

Book: The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice to Revive the Spark
Available on Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, and more.

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Transcript

The Conversation Women Aren’t Having About Intimacy with Elana Auerbach | A Beautiful Fix

To be able to feel pleasure, we slow down so the more we are willing to slow down, the more pleasure we're able to feel. Pleasure and intimacy, is in the moment.

Intimacy is when I open up my heart and I'm willing to take a risk- and share what's real, what I desire, and somebody meets me there. And, why is this so challenging for so many of us, is because it's, it's uncomfortable.

It's a little scary because intimacy, we're in the unknown and that can feel really jarring.

And enough of us have had experiences enough times in our lives where somebody doesn't meet us, where we put it out there, and then we get rejected. Mm. So that hardens us, and we get Less apt to wanna open because we don't wanna feel that rejection.

Welcome to A Beautiful Fix. I'm Tracy Hill. Each week we'll dive into the latest thought gem, recharging and reconnecting with what lights you up and makes you feel alive. Let's discover your next beautiful fix together.

Hey, real quick before we dive in, you're powerful, and sometimes you just need someone to remind you what's already in you. That's what human design does. It's the difference between guessing and knowing, so you can stop searching outside yourself and start trusting the answers within. I promise you they're there.

Grab your free chart at abeautifulfix.com, and when you're ready to go deeper, book a one-to-one session with me. All right, let's get into the episode

I said at the beginning of this year that I wanted to broaden the scope of the conversations we're having on this show, because finding your beautiful fix, it can come from so many different places. And apparently, the universe was like, "Say less," because almost immediately, I had two women and one guy reach out wanting to talk about the same topic.

And I'll be honest, it's one that has always made me a little uncomfortable. So of course, we're doing it. We're going there. So today, we're talking about pleasure, intimacy, and sexual energy. And before you go anywhere, just stay with me for a second, because this isn't just about sex. This is about energy.

Everything is energy. This is about connection to yourself, to your body, to your desires. And for a lot of women, that connection has been lost somewhere along the way. So today, I am joined by Elana Auerbach, creator of the Sure Thing Love Experiment and author of The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice to Revive the Spark.

Elana's story is one of deep honesty and self-discovery. She spent her childhood and young adulthood on what she calls the conveyor belt of life, being the good girl and doing what was expected of her. That looked like graduating Phi Beta Kappa from UCLA, working on Wall Street for an investment bank, and marrying someone she felt no real chemistry with.

And then everything shifted. She began listening to her body, following what felt true for her, and exploring a completely different way of living, loving, and relating. She's also a 6/3 generator in human design, which means she's here to do what lights her up, learn through lived experience, trial and error, and real-life experimentation, and then turn that into wisdom others can actually use.

Elana, welcome to A Beautiful Fix. Oh, what a pleasure to be here with you, Tracy. And how illuminating the description of the 6/3 generator. I didn't know. I can't make- But apparently I'm like, I'm right on the path. You are so on your path. When I was looking at it, just looking at your chart and, and reading about your story, I'm like, "I can't make this stuff up."

I just, just hearing about your journey, it's literally written into your design. But, so in a minute, I, I want you to take us back and kind of walk us through how you got here. But first, I want to start with what might be the elephant in the room. At, at least it was for me. Why do you think this is still such a taboo and uncomfortable topic for so many women?

And, and maybe it's just me, but- Hmm. Hmm ... there's something about talking about this topic that, I don't know, it, it just, it feels like something, um, that is just can, can be uncomfortable. And I'm realizing that it is such a strength, and it is such a power, and it's something that, um, you know, from a feminine s- point of view, we should really be connected to because it really is power.

It's... I think sometimes we think of this topic, we think of it as for men or for, for, for male pleasure, but it's so much broader than that. And so I just would love to hear from you. What, what are your thoughts on this? Well, I think it's part of, uh, what I call the puritanical patriarchy that we live in- Mm-hmm

the air that we breathe- Yeah ... you know, in, in, uh, the Western culture. So I, I feel like that's the elephant, is that we are, as females, you know, tau- taught to want to, uh, perform for the men. We're also pitted against each other, right- Mm-hmm ... as women because we wanna get the trophy, we wanna get the attention of the men, right?

Yes. So that's why you've got so much cattiness and ripping each other down and, you know, trying to look prettier than com- And all this comparison. Yes. How do you compare beauty? You know- You can't ... look at both of us. You, you know, we just rejoice in the radiance that each of us is, and then we become more radiant.

Mm. You know, is, is about flying in the face of that patriarchal domination culture that wants us to be small and shrink and be the good girl, which I, I played that role for, for several decades of my life. So did I. And, and the thing is, Elana, the more that I read about the history of femininity and just women in general, we didn't start off like this.

Hmm. We started off in sisterhood. We started off gathering at the special time of month that we all went through, you know, our periods, and it was this sacred- Absolutely ... beautiful ti- So it wasn't always this cattiness and pitting ourselves against, you know, one another. Yeah. That's right. That's right. No, there was the red tent.

Yes. You know, Max Dashu, who has written a, lots of books about her, um, she's an anthropologist and historian, and she has done a lot of, um, kind of reclaiming of what society was like when, you know, you see the ancient goddess sculptures, like, that, that are found everywhere- Yes ... around this planet. Yes. And what, what do those...

So a lot of that, Max Dashu did, did a lot of, uh, research into, into that and the cultures that were, you know, they call them matriarchal- Meaning that there was a grandmother council. Mm-hmm. So the council of grandmothers were the ones that the leaders, which were often men, would need to address and would need to get the okay.

And if the grandmother council said no, it was a no-go. Mm-hmm. It was also looking to the generations. How are the... How is the community? How are the women? Do the children feel safe? Do the women feel safe? What about, you know, and we've all, many of us likely have heard, like, looking towards the next seven generations.

You know, not just right here, right now, and what's the quick fix gain, right? Yeah. Of how are we gonna get more capital or how, what's the bottom line? It's looking at, at, from a holistic perspective, and that's what we're talking about, you know, from a, a matriarchal or a holistic way of being. And I think that that is what the feminine, the feminine in each of us, whether you're, you know, your, you know, specific gender, y- you know, or genitals that you have, it's irrelevant.

It's irrelevant. We all have, of course, that feminine energy- Yes ... in us that wants to caretake and wants to nourish and nurture and create a sanctuary of embrace, and that's whoever you are. And of course, that sanctuary of embrace starts with ourselves. Mm. It, it starts with embracing who we are in our uniqueness, in our foibles, in the full spectrum of shadow and light of who we are authentically with integrity.

And so as we love ourselves into wholeness, you know, that's what I've found when really things start to get very pleasurable. I love it. Okay, so hold on. I have to go back. I have to go back. Can you tell me the name of that author? Because I have been looking for a book that describes exactly what you said she's done all this research in.

Yes. Could you spell her name for me? Max Dashu, D-A-S-H-U. Perfect. Okay. Yeah. So take us back a little bit. What brought you to this point in your life? Oh. Well, I'll, I'll, I'll give you a few, a few highlights. Uh, certainly that fateful journey that I did back in 2001, so this was post, for, for those of your listeners who weren't even alive at that time.

And, uh, th- yeah, this was, uh, weeks after, uh, the- towers were hit in New York City. Mm. I happened to be married at the time to a guy. I was no longer in, in working on Wall Street, but I had worked at the World Financial Center right next to it. Mm. I was living in San Francisco at the time, married to this guy that was perfect for my parents, right?

Mm-hmm. Looked great on paper, all that stuff. Yes. Right? Mm-hmm. Um, beautiful, beautiful human. Just not, you know, no chemistry. So I was working with a, uh, Hakomi therapist in San Francisco. Beautiful being, and we did a medicine journey one day, and it was a rebirthing, and at the end of the day she said, "Well, where does he fit in?"

And it was crystal clear. Ooh. He doesn't fit in. I've been trying to squish him in. He's in my heart already. He's just not in my pussy. Ooh. So, right? And that was when it was like the clarity. So, um, and vulva, you know, in my, you know. There was just- Yes ... no chemistry is the base- Yes ... ba- the bottom line there.

So most courageous thing I'd done at that point in my life, I was 33 years old or something like that, and I went back and told him I wanted a separation. And, uh, as he was crying, I knew I could make it all better. You know, it was that part of myself I knew that like that codependent part of me was like, "I could take it all back.

I could just go sit next to him on the couch. He would stop crying. Everything would be okay," and it was like- Ooh ... no. I am really clear. I, I couldn't say this four years before when he had proposed, and now I had the courage to say no. So four or five years, something like that. So that was, that was a critical of me breaking free from and stepping off that conveyor belt of life- Yeah

like I like to call it. Yes. And going like, "Okay," and now I, I, y- you know, I had a, a rebound boy who, uh, you know, we had just fabulous, fabulous... It was very carnal, very sexual, but it was too much. He... I totally blew that guy out. And then... But it was fine. He was a younger guy. He was just like, "Wow, wow," and I was like, "Okay, you can't keep up.

It's fine." Wow. Well, I'm gonna keep, keep, uh, let's explore. A friend of mine was in a pleasure community exploring orgasm. I called them the pleasure people in this community in San Francisco. And so she invited me to come to a workshop that she was hosting at her apartment. So I went to it, then I registered for the advanced one.

At the advanced one, I ended up meeting my beloved, Bill, who is my- Ooh ... my partner for life. So this is about six months after I, I left my- First marriage. And Bill and I began as research partners, you know, i- and we had an open relationship for the first couple years. It was super edgy. We were part of this community where we were practicing something called deliberate orgasm, uh, which was a, a...

It's a wonderful addition to any sexual reperto- w- reperto- r- Repertoire? You know what- Yes ... I'm trying to say. Thank you. Thank you. See, that's sisterhood. You know? Yeah. We help each other out. I've got you. I've got you. Yeah. Yeah. And we ended up, I mean, uh, we ended up dipping in and out, uh, to a sex cult for a very brief time.

I know. It's shocking. How? That was, yes, back in tw- 2004. Um, of course, you know, I, uh, like you said, my... I knew. I got all the signs this place is toxic, but he was going into this place. He was wanting to get closer, and so I didn't wanna lose my man, and, you know, ended up overriding my own inner knowing to go along with this.

Yep. And, uh, came in and out within a matter of eight months. So it was very short, but you know, that was our claim to fame back over 20 years ago, was not many couples go into a sex cult and come out still together. So we, so we had a lot of, you know, healing to do ourselves, you know, trusting, um, you know, myself and recognizing that my body told me this, and I ignored it, right?

It was the same thing that happened when I agreed to marry that first guy. Yeah. And so healing and journey, and we end up getting married, and we have a child. And what was this incredibly rich and pleasurable and continually expanding exploration into pleasure really just disappeared almost with the priorities of the child and the family and work and so forth.

And so for 12 years, we, we struggled. Mm. We struggled. We loved each other. We partnered in life well, and it was this... And, and there was all of these, th- these little digs, these little rejections. You know, i- like all couples, one of us has a higher desire, which is me, and one is lower desire, and that's universal, 100% of couples.

And so, you know, we tried all sorts of sexpert advice, things that friends were trying, and really, there was so much gunk between us that I came up with this idea of having a weekly pleasure practice in 2018. But it took me almost two years to invite him into it because I, I pledged to a friend, and this is also like sisterhood.

When you tell a sister, "I'm going to do something," then that gives- us more accountability to actually do it, right? Mm-hmm. So I did, and after we made love one December afternoon when our kid was having his drum lesson at the time, I was like, "Hey, babe. How would you like to deepen in intimacy, pleasure, and connection every week while our son is having his drum lesson?"

He's like, "Sounds great, sugar." And so, right? Okay, so that was easy. So then we just started having this weekly time when we turn toward each other, and this was something, you know, I made up. So we were just making it up. Mm-hmm. What it was was it was a weekly commitment. It was a commitment to turn towards each other and explore intimacy, connection, and pleasure together.

Oh. It wasn't about orgasm, though orgasms abound- Mm-hmm ... certainly. It wasn't about having sex, though often sex is happening. It was about having this sacred time- Yes ... that we've committed to, that we are going to practice exploring intimacy together. And- Mm-hmm ... for me, no one ever told... Nobody ever said you have to practice intimacy, but whenever we wanna get better at something, what do we do?

We practice it. Sure. So it, it turned out this was a life-altering practice for me. And, uh, after about six months of this practice, which completely altered our relationship and continues to, there is so much tenderness now. We're just more, we're more intimate than we ever have been, and we've been together since 2002.

Wow. So... And it just continues to, uh, you know, it just every week. Every week. It's just like a gift, you know? We're, we're unfurling. And so I- after one of our sure things, which we often high-five 'cause it's so simple and so profound, I said, "Babe, I think I'm gonna have to write a book." He's like, "You are." I said, "I can't, I can't just keep this to myself."

And, uh, so ta-da. The book came out, and really it's, it's a book, um, and a guide. It's an interactive playbook to create a practice that will reliably provide you with what you want in your... what will fulfill you sensually and sexually. And along the way, it's a path of falling more deeply in love and acceptance unconditionally with ourselves.

Mm-hmm. So you started this practice with your husband when? How long have you guys been practicing this every week? For five and a half years. Five and a half years. Yeah. Every week or do you take- 2020. December 2020- Oh my gosh ... is when it started. Yeah. Uh- No breaks, no just real, every single week, just dink, dink, dink.

Well, there worse, there so, there were some weeks where he was away, he wasn't feeling well. Sure. And I started getting this little agitation, a little edginess, a little hard. I was feeling like this tone that I used to use that- Mm ... was really itchy, was starting to like, I could feel it coming up to my tongue.

And I was like, "Okay, what's going on?" I was like, "Wait a second. He's not here, but why am I not practicing a solo Sure thing?" Ooh. I mean, come on. I mean- I got all, everything I need. Right. I got my favorite lube right next to my nightstand. I mean, what, what is wrong? So that's when the solo Sure was, was created.

'Cause you don't need to wait for anybody, prince or princess charming. No. Absolutely not. We start right now with a, a weekly. And some people are like, "Well, I want more week-" Great. Doesn't have to be- Whatever ... only weekly. It could be every day. But a minimum of week, a weekly practice, where you turn towards yourself or you turn towards a beloved, and you explore pleasure together however you wanna do that.

So you make it your own. It's not necessarily one-size-fits-all. It's whatever works for you, whatever works for you and your partner, your relationship. Really. Absolutely. So- And know that that pleasure is, and orgasm, like orgasm, is really an infinite realm. So be willing to be surprised, and kind of, I like to call it a laboratory.

So when you're, during your Sure thing time, be curious. Ask questions. Try new things. Whatever sounds, you know, kind of interesting. So it, there, there's no rules. It really is 100% based on your own personal, you know, appetite and desires. So I have so many, I have just so many questions. Um, but just given what you were just talking about, I'm just curious, do you feel like, and you mentioned that there was a lot of intimacy involved with these weekly meetings.

So from you doing this with your husband, you deepened your relationship. Like, you know him now at a completely different level than before you guys carved out this time for- That's right ... for each other. That's right. Yeah. And at the time, we had only s- been together for t- 20 years, 'cause we got together in 2002.

So this was- Right ... 2020. And, um- Now it's just the tenderness Yes Ugh, it's... I- there are no words. And I'll tell you, uh, maybe a year or so into our practice, he was sharing th- stuff with me that he never had before. And, and I asked- Yeah ... "Honey, what, you know, why now?" And he thought about it for a second, and he said, "You know, it- it's our sure thing.

I just feel so close to you." So there's this level of, of trust and of vulnerability and open-heartedness and, and just love, just such a depth of love that was... Of course we loved each other, but it, it just wasn't at, at this level and this expansiveness. Yes. So going, going back to being, uh, on Wall Street and then ending up to where...

Do you feel like you've always had this inside of you, this, this level of, of energy, um, or did something happen? Like, you went to the... You me- you mentioned a Ha- Hakomi therapist? Yes. A body based- What, can you tell- Yeah, go ahead. Te- tell us a little bit more about what, what that is Hakomi is a body-based psychotherapy approach where you follow the body, which sounds perfect for, you know, my, my 6'3" generator- Yeah

to really... And that was a real access point for me to reconnect in with, you know, understanding, like, it'll... Even being in my body, right? Mm. Like, and not being disassociated. I spent a lot of time kind of hovering, you know, not fully in my body because it didn't feel good, right? I was just going along with things.

Yes. And so Hakomi, uh, i- is, is really that, you know, starting with asking, "Well, what are you feeling? What... Is there a color to it? Is there a temperature? Is there a shape?" You know, these kinds of explorations that, that my, my therapist would guide me through, and it was really, you know, very, very, uh, revealing and, um, revelatory for me- And so did-

in that kind of- Did that waken this up in you? Or was it- For sure ... always kind of there, but you, it just made you maybe more comfortable- Yes ... exploring the side? I think she was always there. Mm-hmm. So there's a part of the book that I, I talk about our inner pantheon. Mm-hmm. Just like the Greek and Roman gods- Mm-hmm

I feel like we have an inner pantheon of all the different parts of ourself. Mm-hmm. And so this part I call my, my, um... And I name these different parts, because once you name something, you can really identify it, get to know that better. So I started naming the different parts of myself about 25 years ago, and it's a really fun, playful way to become more intimate and more accepting of parts of ourself, right?

So- So when you say naming parts of yourself- Mm-hmm ... like your- Like, like, so I've got Penelope, who's my inner perfectionist planner. Okay. Okay? Okay. And then I've got Righteous Rita- ... who's, like, my activist, you know, on the megaphone and, like, shaming- ... blaming, you know, that, you know, "Ah." Yes. And then I've got, um...

But, you know, she's got a good point, Righteous Rita, but just the way she communicates it is not super effective. Okay. So then there's Vivacious Viv, and that's my- ... wild, sensual self. And I attest that each of us has a wild, sensual self inside of us. Mm. And so, so the, certainly the Sure Thing was Vivacious Viv's idea, my wild- Yes

sensual self, right? Yes. So she was always there, and I, I recognized her from brief encounters, you know, from when I was, you know, an adolescent, teenager, i- in my young adulthood, you know, from sexual se- sensual encounters with people who turned me on, and I didn't have full access to her. I d- I had no idea really that...

I, I, I didn't have full embodiment of her. I recognized her- Yeah ... and she started coming out each week in our Sure Thing. And then after a while it became like this was her canvas- Mm-hmm ... and she would just, like, take over and be like, "Okay, baby, get the lube. Get the..." You know? , Just very playful and really clear on what it is that she wanted. And so from that, I start, a few months after we started our Sure Thing practice, I went, I started, uh, practicing aikido. I've never done any sport or any martial art before. Yeah. But now I'm on track. I'm, I'm 57. By the time I'm 60, I hope to be a black belt- Oh, amazing

in aikido, and I love it. So I like this embodied activities. Yes. I, I learned to ski in my 50s- Mm ... uh, because of, all because of Vivacious Viv, because- Yeah ... she is... Like, I'm now, like, really in my body and connected with this part. Mm. Yeah. First of all, I- Yeah ... I love, love martial arts, and ai- ai- aikido, isn't that where you deflect?

It's instead of- You're, you're harmonizing energy Okay. O Sensei was the, the Japanese man who, who created it, kinda channeled it, I would say. Mm-hmm. Um, back after... He was a samurai, and he, uh, he wasn't a samurai. He was a, a master of many different martial arts, and was in World War II, and was like, "Enough killing."

And so it's basically taking care of yourself while you're taking care of your opponent, and s- Mm. Using spirals and- Yes ... you know, there's a lot of rolling and tumbling and, yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful. Yes. It's just, it's really beautiful. Yeah. I got to be a, a green belt in TaeKwonDo. I wish I'd kept going- Ooh

'cause I just, I just love mart- But you know, I didn't like the sparring. I liked, uh, the weapons, working with the weapons and the katas, the forms, the movements. Yes. But I didn't actually wanna get in the ring and, and um- Yeah ... but Elana, I wanted to go back. So in your story, I love this idea of embodiment and what can happen for anyone, but especially women, when they are able to drop into their body- Mm

feel it, listen to it, talk to it, appreciate it. Because you've got some really big examples of where your body, as a generator, I'm also a generator, our bodies are constantly communicating with us. Mm-hmm. We literally can feel, like, I- if something's a yes, if something's a no. And your body was trying its hardest with your first marriage to tell you, "This is not, this is not right," but you ignored that.

And then you mentioned, um, another time that you were like, "N- no," again, your, your bo- you know, but you didn't necessarily listen. But now it feels like you honor and you trust, and it's like you are in partnership now with your, with your body. That's right. That's right. Yes. It- Yes. And it's, it's amazing. And it's amazing- It's amazing

and it's, and I so appreciate the reflection, Tracy, to just, as a reminder. Yeah. Because just to, you know, re- kinda center myself in, like, "Yes, this is where I need to go when, when I have questions," right? I mean, yes- Yes ... we can survey the audience out there and get everybody else's opinion, but then ultimately, I have to come back into myself and really feel into it, if you will.

You know, lit- literally feel what is my body saying? How... Do I want to do this, or do I not want to do this, or whatever. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It makes life so much easier when you can move in alignment with your body and your, your energy than against it. It's, it's just that, you know, simple. Yeah. Um, so you also mentioned that you, you said that pleasure supports the nervous system.

Can you explain a little bit more about that? Hmm. Yeah. Let me see, what do I wanna say about pleasure? Because pleasure has us... To be able to feel pleasure, we slow down, right? So the m- the more we are willing to slow down, the more pleasure we're able to feel. Mm. And so even just in a simple breath, you know, if you can slow down and really put all of your attention on the inhale and notice how that feels in your body, and then extend the exhale as long as you can.

And, and of course, as we extend the exhale, that's going to calm our nervous system already. And if we are w- able to open to the pleasure, it also, you know, like shifts, uh, downshifts our energy, downshifts the anxiety, um, downshifts the, um, worry, right? Pleasure, here's the other thing about pleasure and intimacy, is in the moment.

It's not like... Now, we can, we can get pleasure from f- from fantasizing about pleasure of some date that we have or somebody really turns us on and maybe we're gonna see them over the weekend. So we can th- think about the future, and that can bring us pleasure. Mm-hmm. However, the pleasure's happening in the moment, right?

Yes. It's happening right there. It's g- it's being, um, created from a thought, if we're fantasizing about something that's not happening right now, and the pleasure is in our body. And then when we bring the pleasure into the moment, instead of fantasizing about it, but that person is right there with us, that's where intimacy arises in the moment, along with pleasure.

Intimacy is when I open up my heart and I'm willing to take a risk- Mm ... and be courageous and share what's, what's happening, what's real, what, what I desire, ask for something I want, and somebody meets me there. Yes. Right? And so, and that all happens in the moment. And, and kind of circling back to what you said about why is this so h- challenging for so many of us, I think another reason, not, not only to blame the patriarchy, is because it's, it's uncomfortable.

It's a little scary because intimacy, when we come into the moment, it's we're in the unknown. We don't know what's gonna happen. We're putting ourselves out there, and somewhen... You know, sometimes people meet us, and it's like, "Oh, it feels so good," and sometimes they don't. Mm. And that can feel really jarring.

That can have us react in closing. And enough of us have had experiences enough times in our lives where somebody doesn't meet us, where we put it out there, and then we get rejected. Mm. So that hardens us, and we get more- Less apt to wanna open because we don't wanna feel that, that rejection. And so what I say is that part of us is another part that each of us has.

You know, everybody might not have Righteous Rita or Penelope, but I believe we all have a wild, sensual self, and we certainly all have a wounded child inside of ourselves. Mm. Right? So when we get rejected, it's our wounded child who's got a core belief that's universally false. Mine is, "I don't matter," right?

Mm. It's something like, "I don't matter. I'm unlovable. No one will ever like me. I'm," you know, "I'm a failure," whatever, whatever the version is. It's something like that. Mm-hmm. They're all a lie. That's the truth about them all. And this little precious part of ourselves thinks that it's true, right? That I don't matter.

So then if somebody's rejecting me, I'm opening my heart and somebody slaps it, you know, slaps my hand. I'm putting it out there and they leave me hanging or something, then that part, I need to tend to that part. So I need to take my little Elana and go, "Honey, you are... That has nothing to do with you. That has-" Yeah

nothing to do with you. You are worthy. You matter, and I love you, and I've got your back no matter what." So if we tend to that part of ourselves, then we will cultivate the courage to be able to open our hearts more and, and experience intimacy with others because we know if somebody re- if I know if somebody rejects me, it's not me they're rejecting, right?

That's right. Because I... It's, it's not me. It's, there's so many reasons that I'm gonna- going to choose that that's not the reason and it's just not the right thing. Okay. That doesn't mean that I'm not lovable and I'm not worthy of it. So I take care of my wounded child inside, and then I make the request of someone else.

And if we keep making the request, someone will meet us. If we keep having the courage to come back with an open heart and, and invite in intimacy, we will, we will experience it. So where does someone start? If someone's listening to this and they're intrigued, they're curious, or maybe they're even uncomfortable- Mm-hmm

where would you suggest they start? Yeah. Well, start with being really real with where you're at. Mm. So, and being willing to name it. You know, I like to put a hand on my heart, a hand on my belly, or two hands on my heart, just to really feel... Or two hands on your belly. Whatever feels right, you know, for your body.

You could give your, the self-hug- You know, the under the armpits, this is also a really nice one. I love this Oh. This is a Jin Shin Jyutsu, um, self-help that helps to regulate the, the circulatory system, and very... I love to do this in the, in bed, too. Anyway, whatever kind of just being really tender, you know, with ourselves in our bodies, and breathing with that, and noticing, "How am I feeling?

What do I want? Do I wanna try this? Do I wanna... Oh, it feels a little scary, but I'm willing to try it. Maybe I'll s- try it with myself first, because that feels like a stretch, but not as much of a stretch to, to start with my partner." Or maybe you wanna- Mm ... start with your partner first. You know, what- whatever feels right for you.

So that's the thing. F- turn toward yourself to get the guidance of what feels right. And in the book, it really takes the reader by the hand step by step with starting with setting an intention. So what do you want? What is your dream or wish for your sensual, sexual life? And that, that could... That's anything.

There is no... It doesn't have to be sexual. It could be sensual. I mean, we're, we're innately sensual beings. It could be, you know, you want to experience the most unbelievable, delicious tastes on your tongue, and so you have a practice that, that then supports that every week, where you- Mm ... you know, just create a whole ceremony around tasting different things, right?

So start ex- where y- where you're at. And it could even be having a, a simple practice, uh, of, of holding your heart and holding your belly and, and starting with that. If you have, if you wanna start with your partner, a lot of partners start just having, like, holding hands. Yes. Just hold hands. You know, start...

And, and maybe I have, um, a couple that I've worked with, and they weren't ready to... They, they weren't wanting to go to the sexual... One of them wasn't wanting to just start with, you know, full-on sex. They started having a kiss every day. They started with... No. In fact, they started with a hug. Yes. They started with a hug, and then that developed into a hug and then a kiss.

You know, so really just begin where you are. What about eye contact? I've heard that eye contact is one of the most intimate things that you can do to connect with another soul. Absolutely. And it is. It's extremely intimate. Mm-hmm. And, uh, you know, the souls as the corridors, the corridors of our soul as we connect, you know, in, with- Mm

you know, our eyes. So you could just stand. You could stand and hold hands and make eye contact with your partner. Um- Ooh ... you could hold hearts. You know, you hold, put your hand on their heart- And then you put, you know, your hand over it, and you could just stan- stand there and, and maybe set a timer for two minutes, five minutes, one minute, or how- how- whatever feels right.

You can also do this practice, and I guide, um, the, the reader through this with yourself in a mirror- Hmm ... that we call empty presence in a spiritual community with the 13 Moon Mystery School, where I used to teach for over a decade, and it's a year-long immersion into the sacred feminine mysteries through the lens of different archetypes.

And so we call this practice empty presence, but it's coming into, you know, heart resonance really with, and soul resonance with another being or with ourselves in a mirror. Mm-hmm. So you can just do that with a mirror and just, you know, feel, f- create this intimacy, and you may feel a little uncomfortable, and just breathe into that and just be curious and be okay 'cause knowing that we're expanding our capacity to experience sensation in our body, right?

When we feel uncomfortable, I, I, I love to just, you know, investigate. What's going on? What, how, how else, what, how else could I describe that feeling besides just uncomfortable? Mm. Like could... Is it a tightening in my belly? What thoughts am I having, you know, that I'm noticing in, in my head? You know, what else is happening?

What else am I aware of? So that we don't just get stuck in the, "I'm uncomfortable, and I don't wanna feel that," right? Right. Right. I love it 'cause what you're basically describing is also just a deepening of a relationship with yourself. You know, I think a lot of times we don't... We think we know ourselves, but we probably know our mind, this thing that's constantly going.

But I don't know how often we stop to really connect and to know ourself at the l- the, the level that you're describing. And I think that all love, everything starts with understand- loving yourself first and understanding yourself so deeply before you can love anybody, you know, else. 100%. 100%. Yeah. Well, so Elana, before we move into the speed round, is there anything that we haven't discussed or talked about that you would love to, to leave the listener with?

Uh, I, I'd just love to encourage you to experience more love and pleasure and joy. And, and it really is what this world needs right now- Yes ... I believe. And the more the... Like you said, I also believe, and I know, I know in my bones, that it all begins and ends with loving the self. Yes. And so the more we can cultivate- A sense of unconditional acceptance of ourself, the more we're going to bring that into our relationships, into our families, into our communities, and, and into the world.

So s- absolutely get the book. It's wonderful. I... That's, that's, I, you know... And it's not only me saying that. However, if, if it's not the sure thing, find something that- Mm ... will h- assist you in finding joy and love and pleasure just in simple things because that w- will make such a profound difference in your life a- and in the world.

Mm. I love it. Yeah. Well, Lana, what makes you come alive? Conversations like this. I love engaging, engaging with, with others. It's beautiful. Even- Oh ... on the street. Strangers- ... everybody. I, I, that's what really turns me on. What's a song that instantly shifts your energy? Well, I'd say anything by Janelle Monae, but- Mm

particularly Turntable. Table's about to turn. I don't know if you know that song, but if you don't- I don't ... listen to it. I love that song. Who, who's that by? Janelle Monae. Oh, it is... Oh, that's one of hers. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turntable. All right. Turntable. Yeah. Okay. I'm just finding out. Yeah. What's a...

How about a book that cracked you open or stayed with you- Oh ... long after you read the long, the last page? I, I think Octavia Butler. I mean- Mm ... Kindred. Kindred, Parable of the Sower. Oh. I mean, oh my goodness. We're kinda living it right now. I know. That's why I'm so- Ah ... afraid to read her books. I have heard these recommended for it feels like a decade at least now.

Yeah. I'm afraid. Yeah. I'm just... It's like the hands may kill. Well, read Kindred. I'm just- Read Kindred because that's not- Kindred? ... like, you know, Parable of the Sower and that, that trilogy is more... I, I think it's a trilogy, um, is, is very prescient. She wrote it- Yes ... in the early '90s, and I mean, she even said, like, the person who was running for president used Make America Great Again.

So I mean, and, and clearly- Oh ... they could have gotten it from Octavia, you know? Yeah. So who knows? Right. Who knows? Yeah. I mean, Steve Bannon is a, is a super, you know, wizard of, of, uh, the dark arts. So yeah. Oh. How about your favorite ind- Anyway.

What's your favorite indulgence?

Having a, a full... It's not always full, but having my yoni flower butter made by the Garden of Eden Apothecary, that's my favorite lube. This is all organic, made from, uh, a woman in Point Reyes Station in California and, uh, from wild herbs, okay. And it's edible. Wow. Okay. Um, what is one thing that reminds you that life is beautiful? Flowers. Aw. Beauty. Yes. I'd say just beauty in all its forms, but flowers are just so, like, bam, you know?

Totally. Ah, it's my favorite part of spring, is just seeing all of them bloom again. Yeah. Well, before we close, I have something really special. At the end of each episode, I share just a little love note from a previous guest, and today you're receiving one from Lori Montri, who was recently a guest on A Beautiful Fix.

Lori is a somatic healing practitioner, and here's her note for you: "I think anybody who's going to be on your show, they're going to be a woman who's doing really incredible things in the world. I'd ask them to remember how important their work is, especially on the days when it's hard to remember, because we need to be having these conversations."

Ooh, chills. Thank you, Lori, was her name? Lori Montri. Lori Montri. Whoo. Yes. Thank you. Speaking the words that I needed to hear right now. Oh. Just- That's what I love about it. They leave these notes and you have no idea who it's for, but it just always seems to just land perfectly. So Elana, where can everyone connect with you and learn more about your work and your book?

Yeah. Great. You can come to surethingexperiment.com, and you... That's where you can get a link to the book. It's on Amazon. It... You can get the e-book on Barnes & Noble and Apple and other places, and mostly surethingexperiment.com. I'm on Facebook and I'm also on Instagram.

I'd also love to... I know I mentioned Wild Sensual Self. Well, throughout the book- Yeah ... there are different guided visualizations, and there's one that I've recorded, and I'd love to gift that to your listeners. And it's- Ooh ... uh, called, it's A Journey to Connect and Deepen With Your Wild Sensual Self, that part of you that knows what she really wants.

And even if you haven't connected with this part in a while, it's a really beautiful journey to, uh, just meet each other again and connect with each other again. So I'd, I'd dr- I'd love to, to gift that to you. Well, thank you. And where, and where can people find that? How can they get that? I'm gonna send, I'm gonna send you a link.

Okay. Perfect. And- And so people will just click the link, enter in your email address, and it'll just automatically arrive in your inbox. It's so fabulous how that happens. Thank you. I will include that then in the show notes for everyone.

Well, thank you so much for this conversation and for the work you're doing.

And to all of you who are listening, maybe this is your invitation to get a little bit more curious about yourself, to listen a little more closely, and to reconnect with the part of you that's always been there. And maybe give yourself permission to explore that without judgment, because there's a lot of energy and life there, and maybe a really beautiful fix.

So until next time, keep getting high on life one beautiful fix at a time. Thanks, Elana. Thank you.

Thanks for listening to A Beautiful Fix. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe and leave a quick review to help others find us. And if you'd like to share your own beautiful fix or join me as a guest, reach out any time at tracy@abeautifulfix.com. Looking forward to next time.