Manhood Matters Podcast
Conversations around challenges dominating a man's journey through life. These topics are explored by real, everyday friends, with a lot of experience... And we have the occasional expert guest.
Manhood Matters Podcast
Ask The OGs; Inquiries From Young Men
Nine young men sent in questions to the OG's to get their take on how to navigate life and being a man.
Ever wondered why expressing your emotions feels like sprinting uphill with a backpack full of bricks? Comedian Kier "Junior" Spates and bodybuilder Chester Lacey join us as we tackle the emotional hurdles young men face in their journey to manhood. We'll unpack the societal pressures that encourage stoicism over vulnerability and explore how mentorship can act as a guiding light through this complex maze. With listeners' questions as our launching pad, the conversation promises a fresh perspective on embracing emotions as a strength, not a weakness.
Failure isn't just an option; it's a necessity. In our engaging dialogue, we flip the script on setbacks, demonstrating how they can become your greatest stepping stones to success. Through tales from the worlds of comedy and bodybuilding, our guests illustrate the transformative power of resilience and self-awareness. Learn how financial wisdom can pave your path, as insights from experts like John Hope Bryant and MG, the Mortgage Guy, illuminate the importance of credit management and personal growth investments. You’ll walk away with a toolkit to balance emotional relationships and financial aspirations without losing sight of what truly matters.
Think of success as a puzzle with pieces that don’t always fit the first time around. With thought-provoking discussions on legacy and personal fulfillment, we spotlight examples like Steve Jobs to redefine what it means to live a successful life. Our advice doesn't just scratch the surface; it challenges you to build discipline and independence, encouraging you to apply the knowledge we've shared. From historical lessons like the creation of the Ford Model T to the power of practical application, this episode is your reminder to live purposefully and seize the opportunities that lie ahead.
Find Chester Lacey on IG: @musclebuythepound / @bmg_chester
Find Kier Spates on IG: @juniorshms
www.kierjrspates.com
Podcast LIVING YOUR LIFE
Charity: www.kiershope.org
Resources:
Financial Literacy For All - By John Hope Bryant
The Richest Man In Babylon - By George Samuel Clason
Rich Dad Poor Dad - by Robert Kiyosaki
House Hackonomics - By Matthew Garland
Follow: @mgthemortgageguy @johnhopebryant @stephanealexandreofficial
This episode was brought to you by www.OnsiteLabs.net for all DNA incl. paternity tests.
Email us at manhoodmatterspodcast@gmail.com
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Host: StéphaneAlexandre
IG: @stephanealexandreofficial
Music by Liam Weisner
Sponsored by www.OnsiteLabs.net
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And a lot of times I say, man, this is the best thing for you to do. Bro, don't focus on dating anybody right now. Just focus on getting yourself together, because when you get to the top of the mountaintop, the one you picked up going on the way up ain't going to be the one you want when you get up there.
Speaker 3:So if you stay focused. What you mumbling about over there?
Speaker 3:That's a very powerful truth statement what's going on everybody? I don't know about you guys, but I wish I had some better examples and people to look up to when I was 20. In this episode, we are answering questions sent in by several young men. Now we take this task very seriously and feel a great deal of responsibility addressing them. My name is Stefan. I am your host. I've got my boy with me, jabari Pride, bringing back his wisdom. We are also joined by comedian, extraordinaire entrepreneur, philanthropist and co-host of the Steve Harvey Morning Show, kier Junior Spates, and we also have with us internationally acclaimed bodybuilder and now personal trainer, chester Lacey. Welcome to Manhood Matters, where we have the experience to tackle the issues and the challenges we face every day. Let's get to it. What's up, fellas Good man? Thank you so much, man.
Speaker 1:Excited to be back here, man For sure.
Speaker 3:I love it. Thank you, chester, we got a guest For sure.
Speaker 1:We got a guest.
Speaker 4:Guest album by his name is Chip.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely Chip's here.
Speaker 2:Still a very chipper, chipper.
Speaker 3:Chester brought the energy man.
Speaker 1:Gotta do it man.
Speaker 3:What up Junior?
Speaker 2:Man, what up, man? Thank y'all for having me back again, yeah man, what's going? On with you, bro. Oh man, Ain't nothing wrong. I can't complain about anything, man. I told you Gotta keep pushing, that's right, that's right. And I said what's going on with Joe?
Speaker 4:Hey man. Yeah, javari what's up, brother? I'm just happy to be here, you know, sitting next to greatness.
Speaker 2:I'm just hoping someone doesn't rub off on me.
Speaker 4:Yeah, man Can you get a little closer yeah.
Speaker 3:So check it out, man. We have a very heavy task ahead of us today. It is, I feel you know my, you know the reason that I do this, the reason I do this podcast. People have asked me Junior you and I we had this conversation a couple of days ago what's the end goal? And the end goal is for me to set up a platform so that I could mentor young men, be able to pull the curtain back a little bit, to show them what's behind the curtain and show them an alternate lifestyle and different things that they could be doing. So I do this for a reason. So it was a great honor for me to receive some questions from some young fans who were listening to the show and kind of wrote in and just said, hey, here's what it is that we'd like to know.
Speaker 3:Okay, so because we been through it yeah, I got your young blood yeah, most definitely we've been through it, man. We all have crazy experiences. A lot of uh companies that do this, they go. That's 250 years of experience combined right so between us. We got, we got. We got some mileage out there, man. So I feel like it's our responsibility to rise to the occasion and you know these guys have these questions and let's kind of help them navigate through this thing called manhood.
Speaker 4:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 3:Fair enough Definitely. I think so All right, so I'm going to hand it to you, okay.
Speaker 4:Whenever you're ready, jabari, I'm just looking at your handwriting. It's dope, right, right. It's so neat. Thank you, did you write this, or someone else wrote this?
Speaker 3:I wrote it, man, you're offending me right now.
Speaker 4:No, no, I'm just saying man don't use your handwriting, that's nice.
Speaker 2:You haven't seen my handwriting.
Speaker 1:Go. I don't care what you're looking at. That ain't it? Have you seen?
Speaker 4:Have you seen Chips' scene.
Speaker 2:You see, these caves I put out there. That ain't it for sure.
Speaker 4:Question number one how do you develop emotional connection with yourself and how do you allow yourself to feel your own emotions? Wow, this is real big right now, especially with mental health.
Speaker 3:So read that again one more time.
Speaker 4:How do you develop an emotional connection with yourself and how do you allow yourself to feel your own emotions?
Speaker 2:oh man, that's deep. You said you didn't like questions here. No, listen, listen down.
Speaker 4:I had to open myself up just now, and that's probably the big thing, right, because a lot of men don't want to open themselves up and I think that's that's part of it.
Speaker 1:To to actually be in touch with your emotions, you have to open yourself up, and what that means is allow yourself to feel whatever is going on in that moment. So don't negate it, don't stare away from it. If you feel hurt by it, just allow yourself to just live in that emotion.
Speaker 4:You know, do you think men are afraid to show emotion because they feel it's not manly, it's not macho?
Speaker 1:well, yeah, of course, because a lot of times it's based off how we've been brought up you know we, we, we base our emotions off of people that we admire, like so if we admired a strong black man coming up and he never showed emotion then, as I grow up, I'm going to do the exact same thing.
Speaker 1:But if I admired a man who was more emotional and did show emotion, then as I grow older I will show emotion. But in order to tap into that side of you, you just truly have to open yourself up. It takes time. I can't say that it's something that's going to happen right away. It's just going to take time and you may have to seek guidance for that as well to learn how to open yourself.
Speaker 4:Do you think it takes a stronger man to show emotion? Or do you think there's because I think that's from what I'm gathering now, from what I'm seeing in the media like you're seeing a lot more men show emotion. Like it's okay to cry, like mental health right now it's a huge thing. Like it's okay to to feel emotions, it's okay to be a man, like you're not a, you're not less of a man because you cried.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm gonna just uh speak off my personal experience. I grew up with my mom.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying Me too, and so I hate to say this, but a lot of times how we respond is based off how we was brought up, and my mom was an emotional creature. And I will say I'm emotional and I'm in touch with my feelings and, yeah, I will cry. I don't think it makes you less of a man. I think it makes you more of an in-touch man Not less than a man, but in touch. Don't get it twisted because I cry, I will crack your head man. Yes, not less than a man, but in touch. Don't get it twisted because I cry, I will crack your head, though.
Speaker 3:No, no, no for real.
Speaker 1:That's for real Because I think a lot of times, you know, you feel like, because I cry or I might be emotional, that I'm weak. That's not what it means. Yeah, not at all. I just feel like-.
Speaker 3:I cried when Mufasa died, you know, actually will bring some emotions out of you, you know, and and one of the things that that that young man asked was how do I develop that emotional connection with myself when you're dealing with particular emotion? If you can just step outside of that and observe the emotion, you are not the emotion. You are experiencing that emotion. So allow yourself to observe it almost as an outside person and saying, hey, that's interesting, this is how I'm feeling in this moment and this is the emotion. This is what's coming out of me. Allow it to happen, because if you got that pent up inside we talked about this in the last podcast you got that pent up. You're about to blow up on the wrong damn person, someone who loves you and who doesn't deserve it so learn to deal with it, learn to address it.
Speaker 3:Um, how do you develop that connection is by simply accepting it for what it is. That's what I call emotions. We don't control them, but you need to make sure you're having the appropriate emotion for the occasion. So if there is something that's happening and you watch yourself behave a certain way, reanalyze yourself and kind of think was that appropriate for?
Speaker 3:this Was this self-awareness, totally, thank you. That's actually what the phrase I was looking for. It's being self-aware, it's knowing yourself and watching yourself and observing yourself to say was this right for what happened? Did I overreact? Someone cut me off in traffic? Did I overreact?
Speaker 1:I don't know, man, I just feel like to me, me to be honest with you.
Speaker 3:I think that's probably why I don't stress as much, because I let it out yeah so you know, and so the idea is a let it out, embrace it, recognize it and be self-aware. That's how you connect, yeah definitely.
Speaker 2:I mean really, I'm really surprised. I didn't know y'all was just breaking. No, no, dog, I'm really thinking about some real, you know men, who, who understand themselves, you know yeah you have to really understand.
Speaker 2:You know and we're talking self-aware, but understanding who you are, what are your, what are your limits with your boundaries, because people will try to push you past your boundary. Man, you know what I'm saying and you gotta be, you gotta really know like, okay, this ain't a safe space for me to be in, yeah, yeah, yeah, it ain't got to be. Where we talk about being perfect, I say, man, you're not a bad person, ain't no bad person, man, you just made bad choices. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. It's like somebody tell you like man made a bad choice. Now pick it up.
Speaker 1:And keep it moving, and keep it moving.
Speaker 4:Because, it's finna come another one. Absolutely. Yeah, all right, I think we answered that. One Second question, gentlemen what is the best way to handle failure when you know you're capable of doing what you failed at?
Speaker 1:Oh man, Do it again Go for it man wipe yourself off. Like Junior said, do it again.
Speaker 2:Go for it, man, wipe yourself off, like Junior said.
Speaker 1:Get your butt up and keep moving. Let me explain something to you, right? I'm a competitor, so this thing that I do, it takes a lot from you and you have to pour a lot into it Money-wise, effort-wise, strength-wise, just all of it. It takes a lot and you may be prepping 12, 10, 8, sometimes 16 weeks for a show Wow and your outcome can still be a failure and didn't get anywhere near where you want it to be, and this is your bodybuilding competition.
Speaker 1:And this is your bodybuilding competition. As a person, knowing that you have poured so much into it, knowing that you have done so much to get to this day, in that moment you could totally feel just shattered, because you're like, damn, I did all of this, bro, and I'm walking away with a T-shirt. You could say to yourself, man, I ain't doing this shit, no more, fuck it.
Speaker 2:Is that what happens? Never.
Speaker 1:I don't think about oh, I didn't come in where I needed to be. I start thinking about what did I miss Right? What did I not do? How can I fine tune? How can I come in better? Do I need to change coaches? Do I need to change my meal plan? Do I need to change my approach? Do I need to do more cardio? What do I need to do to become better?
Speaker 4:Because it ain't no quitting. It's the opposite of what a lot of other people do. When shit starts to fall apart, right, shit starts to fall apart. Junior didn't give me what I was supposed to get, and Chester didn't give me what I was supposed to get, and Stefan didn't help me. I wouldn't ask for help, as opposed to being like what you just said what did I not do, right?
Speaker 1:Well, initially you'll do that, Initially most competitors. They'll start blaming the coach. Yep, because ultimately you start blaming somebody other than yourself versus really thinking about and holding yourself accountable. Did I do everything to the T? I say that to say. That's the example of how life is I got booed and did you quit?
Speaker 2:Did I fail? No, I got better.
Speaker 3:Got better. Yes, sir, so you got booed on stage.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, dog, Got better. Yes, sir, so you got booed. You got booed on stage. Oh yeah, dog. Okay, dog, never forget it. First started doing comedy. Yeah, I got booed. You know what I'm saying. You know it's hard to go in there and make a room Full of strangers laugh. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we all looking at you like who would do this?
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly, I could do it. Who would do that, bro? Who would do that?
Speaker 2:again. You wouldn't be scary If you knew what to do. That's right. That's what the failure Process is about.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It took me so long To realize I had to fail Money they pay me To tell jokes now Is about 30 times more Than what they used to pay me, right? Do it sound like I created a new language?
Speaker 4:Not at all, no. So what changed? You got better. Got better you got better, got better, you got better. The value goes up, yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:You start understanding more Now. You got a little swag to it. Now, oh, you can do some more shit on this, oh, oh, but now you traveling the country. Wait a minute, dog. I used to feature. Now they put your name in the marquee. What changed I? Failed as you morph into that person that you're becoming.
Speaker 2:Without those failures, you wouldn't be that person. You can't be. Exactly the difference between me and the next comedian is I want to put the work in when he not. I'm willing to show up and be. I'm gonna put the work in, though, but I'm willing to show up and be great. You're gonna show up. You're gonna do your job, win, lose or draw and come back and do it again yes, sir, because either way, life is hard.
Speaker 3:Just choose your heart right. So you're gonna go ahead and go and do it again. Yes, sir, because either way, life is hard. Just choose your heart right. So you're going to go ahead and go and do these things, but embrace the fact that you're going to fail. Because, like Kobe, he was being interviewed and he said what is failure? What do you mean? He goes failure doesn't exist. It's a figment of your imagination. What do you mean? I failed. The story continues. The only way it's a failure is if you stop.
Speaker 3:If you don't stop it's not a failure because the game's not over. It's time on the clock, because the question was how do I overcome this? Especially if I believe I'm capable of doing the thing that I failed at. If you believe that that means you have a certain level of confidence and competence and those two things combined are very, very powerful you know you can do what you need to do.
Speaker 1:Just embrace the fact that you failed at something and it's totally okay and go for it again, embrace it and be self-aware.
Speaker 2:I think that would be the answer.
Speaker 1:Embrace it, be self-aware.
Speaker 2:That's why Michael Jordan he probably missed about 500 game winners. They only show you 12. Correct you know what I'm saying you only see the ones that go in game on the line.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what about the ones that didn't?
Speaker 2:there's a highlight reel somewhere yeah, missed shots failures.
Speaker 3:But you know what?
Speaker 2:no one cares nobody even gives a damn.
Speaker 3:No one cares so to that young man again, there's gonna be a highlight reel of your failures you should see.
Speaker 2:No, should see it man.
Speaker 3:And no one is going to give a shit.
Speaker 4:Exactly Focus on the things that you can do.
Speaker 3:What's the next one?
Speaker 4:All right. Question number three when do you start with building a financial foundation?
Speaker 1:Quite honestly. If you have a strong person in your family who has been handling finances, I would get some advice from them first, and if I didn't have that, then I would try and study, try and find a class or a smaller course that I could take either online or in person. That will help me better understand financial literacy.
Speaker 2:I understand this is a tool. This is not something we just throw out here. Yeah, I'm finna, make a rent. This is stupid as shit. I've seen you pick some of this up. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know. So it goes to something that I think is really really critical, especially in our community. So if you're raised with money, or your parents have money, you're not easily impressed and you're not trying to impress them. But when you have very little and people around you have very little, your goal is to impress a bunch of people. So there's this man. I'm not sure if you know him. He's actually based out of Atlanta, Um, john Hope Bryant. Yes, I do so.
Speaker 3:I would encourage anyone listening, um, that young man, for example, to go and follow that person again, I will put his uh Instagram in a show, in a show notes, so you can go and um follow him. Follow his page, because he talks, talks about this and he basically talks about you're spending a bunch of money to impress people who don't know you, who don't care about you, who don't like you it doesn't matter but you're going to spend that money to do it. We have to learn delayed gratification.
Speaker 3:So, delayed gratification is basically saying hey, you know, work now. Put the money away. Have the money work for you and don't go spend it on something that will make you feel good today when it's going to hurt you later on. Question again is where do you start? Take extremely great care of your credit Act like it's a baby, like it's a thing that you have to protect and love and feed and take care of it that way. There is this book by this dude named MG, the mortgage guy you guys familiar with him.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I feel like I've heard that name before.
Speaker 3:yeah, and he talks about this and he talks about just pretty much. And again, this is super easy read. I don't think this thing's even 100 pages. It's really easy. But it's all about getting your first property. He calls them doors, yeah.
Speaker 3:You want to get your first, second, third, fourth door. So you go and get your little duplex, go live in one room, free and everything free, and then you building and you use that to help you get to the next property and so on and so forth. So I won't steal the thunder away from it, but you start by taking care of your credit. You start by understanding delayed gratification. You start by understanding that making you know you're not living for others, so you're not going out there trying to spend to impress people, don't that? Don't matter to you? Yeah, no, you know. So that's one of the places you start and I will recommend another book called the Richest man in Babylon. The simplicity of how to save, how to invest, et cetera, is all in there. The principles are thousands of years old and to this day it works. I like what you said. Money is this. It's almost like it's a tool, it's an entity. It goes out there and makes friends and all of that it's got a life of its own.
Speaker 2:Yeah it don't like to be alone.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so you need to understand what that is, and the principle of this entity hasn't changed ever since its inception, all the way through today.
Speaker 4:All right. Question number four how do I isolate myself from being emotionally involved with someone while pursuing success during the time I feel I need and seek companionship?
Speaker 3:better question is why do you feel?
Speaker 1:yeah, you gotta determine which one you need, which one once you're gonna do?
Speaker 3:because everything is in seasons, right, our entire lives, like there's a season for this you mentioned earlier. You talked about this too. Uh uh, junior, when you said that there are people that came into your lives for a season. That was it. For a moment, they serve a purpose.
Speaker 1:And that's crazy that you said that, because I have a statement that I live by. What's that? Some people are seasonal and some people are a lifetime.
Speaker 2:You don't have to feel about anything, but I'll tell you one thing you better do, though, man is go get the success, the companionship It'll be there.
Speaker 1:It's coming. I was thinking about that too.
Speaker 2:It'll always be available, bro, if you trying to be successful Go be successful and you ain't gonna believe the line of women Going to watch you. Well, this is the thing.
Speaker 1:And I even tell friends Like, especially If they go through a situation when they have to get divorced and things like that A lot of times, when they get divorced, they go through a life crisis when then they start thinking about I need to get myself together. So if they was out of shape while they was married, now they got to get themselves together while they're single. And a lot of times I say, man, this is the best thing for you to do. Bro, don't focus on dating anybody right now. Just focus on getting yourself together, because when you get to the top of the mountaintop, the one you picked up going on the way up ain't going to be the one you want when you get up there.
Speaker 1:So, if you stay focused. Yeah, what you mumbling about over there, that's a very powerful true statement the one that you get on the way up ain't gonna be the one you want when you get there unless she helped you get there unless she was responsible when that the reason if she was your crutch and she got you there, right.
Speaker 3:But I know what you're saying. Yeah, I know what. I know what, exactly?
Speaker 1:because a lot of times, when you're trying to focus on building with a female. It takes a lot from you no matter who it is and and and.
Speaker 1:And. I know because I was 21, being married and had ambitions to do music. And I was doing well in music and even to the point where I was about to get signed to do a deal, but at the same time it was taking so much from me that it was putting more strain on my family. So then it became a a battle like yeah, which one do I?
Speaker 1:pursue my dream or do I pursue my family? And so, to be honest, I hold a little resentment because of that. That's interesting. So that's why I say, as a man, and my biggest piece of advice to any man A young 20-year-old. Even if you're a young lady. Regardless, focus on the success first, because everything will come after that.
Speaker 2:But I've always been chasing the success part.
Speaker 3:I wasn't worried about companionship, so so what you're saying, then, you know, is pick which one matters the most to you, absolutely in this season absolutely so right now, you know you can't chase both and this is you know. So I challenged the question again because he was like I feel I need, you don't need it.
Speaker 1:You just do I isolate, isolate, bro.
Speaker 3:No, I ain't isolating go be successful and I think what he means really is like, how do I focus on myself Not to, like you know, close myself up in a room somewhere? You know what I mean. Oh, I know what you mean, yeah.
Speaker 1:I know he's solely saying how do I? Focus on me 100% Focus on getting what I need even in the process of trying to be successful.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you have't chase it.
Speaker 1:Anybody who was great at anything and I'm not talking about average, I'm talking about great they had to be selfish. They had to, and the people who they were with had to understand that they had to be selfish to get where we at right now.
Speaker 3:But what better time to do it than when you're a young man, I mean?
Speaker 4:it's a very different conversation.
Speaker 3:We're all having this conversation right now in the 40s and 50s, right? It's a different conversation when you're telling, like you said, I agree with your advice and yours. When you're telling a 20-year-old no kids go, be selfish. Yes, that's exactly right, because that's all they need to focus on is just that one person.
Speaker 1:End of the day, even the people that they connecting with you're uncertain about these people because, first and foremost, you only you just got here 20 years ago. Yeah, you still trying to figure out who you are you still trying to
Speaker 1:figure out what you like, yeah so you vesting time and something that you're unsure about, just so you can feel some form of comfort instead of focus on being successful. That way, you can live a comfortable life. The only person who's going to believe in the dream is you. Is it Because you're the one who dreamt it?
Speaker 4:Next question when do I start with saving, investing and budgeting?
Speaker 3:That's when I should have brought up the whole richest man in Babylon. Basically what that is. It breaks it down to where it is the most simplistic way of understanding how you break down a dollar. If you can break down a dollar, you can bring down $10,000, you can bring down your paycheck, et cetera. That's where the concept of pay yourself first come from.
Speaker 3:You know that, essentially, one day you will start investing. What people don't realize is you can invest much earlier than that. So you don't have to wait until you get to the point where I have all this money, all my bills are paid, everything's good. You could be in debt, but there's a tiny portion of that dollar that goes into investment, whether it's investment in yourself and your own education, whether it's in the market, whether it's in someone's business, whether it's in Kier's foundation, in business. But you need to figure out how to take a portion of that to where it is going to serve you paying your debt, paying your bills, etc. So, again, go back to read that book. Again, it's in the show notes. That's the simplest way, without this being a show where we actually are, you know, diving into it.
Speaker 3:I'm not a cpa, but yeah, we're not gonna dive into it that much, but I can tell you that if you read that book it will put you way ahead of your peers. You will be light years ahead of these other kids.
Speaker 4:that's your age I think another good book is Rich Dad, poor Dad, absolutely. Right it helps you change your mindset, because once you understand that, why he's getting into saving, investing, budgeting, if you can understand how to be smart with your money? Because there's there's things you're going to learn from your parents, especially if they didn't have money, and we kind of talked about this a couple of questions ago. Right, if you're learning bad habits from your parents, you're probably going to continue those same bad habits right.
Speaker 4:And then you're going to perpetuate not being in a good situation if your parents were not in a good situation, right? So by changing your mindset, starting to look at okay, how do I create generational wealth? Right, because I can be rich, yeah, but then if I blow all my money, you know, yeah, there's a difference between being rich and being wealthy and this in this to add to that point.
Speaker 3:Shabari, when it comes to your parents, here's a quote I live by, and this is your parents, your best friends, people who love you, especially people who love you. Don't ever take directions from people who've never been where you're going. Yeah, okay, so you know why. Look to them if the answer is not there. If you're trying to get to exactly where they are sure Follow their advice. If not, don't look there. Yeah, All right.
Speaker 4:What's the next question? Why is marriage such a scary concept and do you think it's mandatory, or can we opt out and have a successful future?
Speaker 1:No, I'm going to say this First and foremost, the reason why marriage to anyone would be somewhat scary it's no perfect way to live and it's no perfect way to raise a child. So, even being married, it's no perfect way to do that.
Speaker 2:as well, so a lot of the stories that you see.
Speaker 1:So a lot of the stories that you see, a lot of the horror stories that you may hear, that's them, that's their relationship, that's their story. Right, that does not mean that's going to be your life and that does not mean that's going to be your connection. Ultimately, marriage can be a beautiful thing when you connect with the right person now.
Speaker 4:Do you think that you can connect with the right person, live together forever and never get married? No I mean it that.
Speaker 1:That is it's. It's a possibility, but when that love continues to grow and morph, you're gonna get married but there's people that have done it no, no, no.
Speaker 2:I don't care who you know. The reason why I say that is because you got to understand what it was created for Absolutely. If you give a woman anything, they multiply it. Your girlfriend can't do that. Your wife can. Her role for me has been nothing but utter support in everything that I do. It's structured that way you can date for 16 years and still not know your girlfriend when she becomes your wife.
Speaker 1:You could do that. This is what it is. You have a carnal connection when you just would have, but when you marry, you have a spiritual connection. Yeah, and that spiritual connection is something that really can't be explained.
Speaker 2:You can't, you have to. But you know what I do? Know that everything in my life went up when you married her, soon as I married gotcha let me.
Speaker 3:So I'll say this right again. The question was why is marriage a scary concept? It's not, actually, if you're doing it the right way. So my recommendation to young people will be like listen, pump your brakes, understand what you're getting into, understand a person, understand that the person you're seeing is a representative of the real person you haven't had that real person yet, right first, second, third date, dating whatever. You don't even know the person yet here's the truth.
Speaker 3:And you you alluded to it earlier uh, chester, they don't even know themselves. They're still growing, they're still developing. Your brain is not even fully formed yet. So seek premarital counsel which I wish I had done, you know, earlier in my in my life, because you know there are things that need to be brought up, finances need to be talked about. Absolutely, you're gonna wait and be like no, and the other mistake that you make as a couple is there's always this if I have to tell you, then something's wrong, so we don't communicate because I expect you to know this, if I gotta tell you if I gotta tell you men are not gonna get it, yeah, if I gotta ask for it, then blah, blah, right, so so, so all that.
Speaker 3:when it comes to marriage, again, I'm not a counselor, so I'm gonna say pump your brakes and go talk to someone and whatnot. So the concept itself is not scary. But now the question, the follow-up question, was can I opt out and can I still have a successful life? Yes, it all depends on what you call successful Absolutely, it is your definition of successful. Yeah, what you define as successful, right, because you can be totally successful. I thought, you were talking about the marriage no, no no, not can have a successful marriage.
Speaker 1:I think, they were talking about successful period in life Successful life.
Speaker 3:You know, can you do that? And yeah, the answer is yes To be honest.
Speaker 1:we're made to be married, right? I mean in the word of God. It says when a man find a wife, he find herself a. What Good thing? A good thing. So it's not for us to be by ourselves. That's not the design. The word of God also said be fruitful and do what Multiply.
Speaker 3:But I'm going to, I'm going to push back a little bit right, little bit right, and say you know, I'm a spiritual person, I believe, but I'm going to talk about people in general, because you're going to have someone who's going to say, well, I don't want to approach it from a theology standpoint right. I want to know if I can be successful and you have people like a steve jobs out there.
Speaker 2:Who? Give a shit about family absolutely and then look what he created and look at his legacy and that's just the way it is so happy, right, well do we know that?
Speaker 3:do we know that? Because what fulfills him is not for you and me.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:I got that you know I mean, so I'm wondering, like you know, so I'm asking, I'm answering the question with a question.
Speaker 1:It all depends on what success means I would kind of say this you have people who feel like marriage is just a binding agreement and they feel scared to be in a binding agreement because they know if this agreement gets broken and we have to split up everything, and they thinking about the worst part of it versus the best part of it. Yeah, just like you said, certain things need to be brought up. I feel like and I say this from time to time but every year y'all have to go over the expectations. What, what's your expectation of me this year? Because if it's not being brought up, then she can have an expectation of you, you can have an expectation of you that y'all didn't even talk about but y'all frustrated going into the next year. But it's because y'all didn't have no communication.
Speaker 3:And Chester, that's very wise, because the thing that I brought up was talk about it prior, but during no different than that, there's an annual review at a job. Well, you need to have those conversations. Are we still on the same track. What can we change, what can I do to make myself better for you, et cetera. So yeah, what we got next, brother.
Speaker 4:I'm going to try to. I'm going to read it backwards. So the question is because there's going to be a question and there's going to be a lot of statistics about the person who asked the question what mindset must I adopt to reach these goals? The stats are he's a young man in his 30s, he's still living at home, he just has a high school diploma. He's always in his head stretching, stressing about when he'll be financially stable and he's thinking about eventually getting into a relationship, starting a family, buying a house, etc. Being a provider. So what mindset must I adopt to reach these goals?
Speaker 2:discipline who is he staying with? His mama, get your ass out, your mama 30 years old.
Speaker 1:30 years old you're talking about you, which you need to do get your ass out, your mama's house first or nothing happens, so so, but the mindset honestly, has got to be a more disciplined mindset and you need to set up small, tangible goals.
Speaker 1:Thank you you know, what I mean small, tangible goals is going to keep the needle moving forward. The first thing you need to do get disciplined in your mind. Secondly, get a job. After you get a job, get a second job. You don't have to wait around because you feel like you uh a high school, uh graduate, that you can't be successful. You can get two jobs and be just as successful as anybody with one job man.
Speaker 1:So, at the end of the day, discipline is going to be the biggest thing for you right now, and not making excuses and getting your ass up and get to moving.
Speaker 3:So I would say one thing, and I'm going to disagree with y'all a little bit Go ahead. I know it's funny to say immediately, get out your mama house. I'm going to say this I think it's three steps. The first step is get out your mama house for sure, first. First is mindset discipline. That's what I'm saying for sure you hit the nail on the head. Second is get your job and get us your second job Now. Make a plan, Because if you go right now, Can't get out your mama house With no job.
Speaker 1:Exactly, I definitely agree. I think, we would just be enjoying it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I'm just saying, like you know, like, of course you don't need a job, everything that you Do. You realize, dog, you're 30. Now I'm not saying that you gotta get your ass Out your mama house right now, because you're gonna have to Save for that. You gotta plan for that. Yeah, that's the, that's just the goal. Yeah, but all these other things shouldn't even be focused on. You shouldn't even be focused on those things. You should be focused on getting on. Independence is what you need to focus on First. Yeah, because who's going to take care of you? Yeah, you have to be able to take care of you. Okay, come on. Now I'm thinking about a relationship. What the hell are you and your mama and your girl all watching TV? I can't Quit thinking about these things. That's your problem, though. You ain't focused on nothing. You're on the right thing. Close that door.
Speaker 1:With men you have to be blunt and straightforward. All that circling around it don't work. You know what I'm saying Because a lot of times, all that beating around the bush, it just confuses people. At the end of the day, like you said, discipline should be the first, most important mindset that you should have. Number one A disciplined mindset for one. That's your first objective. Two find you some employment or Whatever it is that you deem to be good at, and you know that you can create something from it, create that business. But you have to create some revenue before you can think about anything.
Speaker 3:Relationship wise, oh yes, hopefully he understands what we're saying. We're not saying you can never go out and have fun with a young lady, but that is not a relationship. You want to go out and have fun, have fun. Person needs to know where you're at in life if they want to put up with that.
Speaker 2:For a minute for for a day or two.
Speaker 3:That's cool, that's about it. But you do not need to focus on how you provide for this person, because here's the thing once you can do for yourself and you can do enough, everything else falls in place everything falls in place. So discipline, get a job, get a side hustle, work on your business, get small, tangible goals and celebrate those small, tangible goals.
Speaker 4:And here's the last thing. Here's the last thing.
Speaker 3:Here's the last thing you said discipline, which is always my favorite subject to talk about, because here's how you become successful. You have to understand the definition of discipline Doing what must be done when it must be done, whether you feel like it or not. If you can just basically take that.
Speaker 2:That's what it is. That's a powerful statement.
Speaker 3:Doing what must be done when it must be done, whether you feel like it or not.
Speaker 1:Stop being a little boy. You're 30 years old. You got to think about if your life expectancy is 80 years old. You've done almost half of your lifespan. Yeah, it's time to get some urgency behind it. Yeah.
Speaker 4:All right. Question number eight Is being too optimistic equivalent to being unrealistic, fuck no, heck, no too optimistic equivalent to being unrealistic.
Speaker 1:Fuck, no, no man. See the person who said unrealistic. Throw him away fire that person from your life, right now, right now, right now, yeah, right now.
Speaker 3:There you go, there you go, man one thing I hate, man, is when someone you're pushing something, you're saying something, you're dreaming big and they say well, be realistic what you're pushing something, you're saying something, you're dreaming big and they say well, be realistic what you're saying.
Speaker 4:I can't do it, so you can't do it.
Speaker 3:There you go, that's really what you're saying, or?
Speaker 1:you're saying I shouldn't be dreaming that big, when you start saying, be realistic, I might start cussing Shut up and get out my house.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so the answer.
Speaker 2:How is it If you can dream something? It's unrealistic, yeah.
Speaker 4:You know what I'm saying Makes no sense.
Speaker 2:And somebody else already did it. Yeah, I mean for real. The examples are everywhere.
Speaker 1:But even this, even if nobody ever accomplished it, it has to be. Listen, someone is In order for something to be accomplished. It all starts with what.
Speaker 2:Thoughts yeah, a thought, but it's like it's the first one. Yeah, it's like it's the first one. Yeah, like it's like. Uh, nobody told ford and we made the model t. There's some bullshit.
Speaker 4:We'll keep these horses you know what I'm saying, like the horse he talking about, we gonna drive get on your horse is that where that comes from.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm saying. You better get on your horse.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying you, you know you're like that's how crazy he had to be out there. Yes, I'm going to push something faster. They're going to tell you you cannot do this, man. Yeah. And you got to say the fuck, fuck man, man, fuck you For real On everything. Yes, man On everything. And prove them wrong. That's gonna be the motivation To prove them wrong and when you walk back in there With the vision done, yes, sir.
Speaker 1:But the more of a vision you have, the people closest to you, the one who don't believe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how is that? But the crazy part about it is when my father said. It's like when my father said it and he broke a mirror, right, I bet I wasn't gonna be shit, cause he wasn't shit, damn and something snapped, I don't know, though I was saying how? This shit, finna go, cause you ain't happy About your life, you ain't going through this and you didn't get a chance.
Speaker 1:To do that.
Speaker 2:You gonna kill your son's dream? I don't know. I went to work, yes, sir, and I'm telling you you're gonna have to be like that, like you have to have that type of fuck it all right.
Speaker 4:Last question, last question you guys ready, right person, wrong time. Is it a real thing? Nope, if in your heart you really think it's the right person, do you wait for the right time or live life as is?
Speaker 1:live life as is man live life, um, and ultimately, if it's a genuine situation, it's always gonna come back. If it's the right person, sometimes in life they just have to go and grow and mature. There you go and it'll come back. But if it's not the right person, they'll go, grow and mature and keep on moving, and I'm moving too.
Speaker 3:But at the end of the day, live life and you will find that you will be so happy that you didn't go with the person you thought was the right person as you mature and you grow, Absolutely, or live a stagnant life waiting on that person.
Speaker 1:like I'm not going to date anyone, I'm waiting on you.
Speaker 2:Man, if I would have waited on the girl that I was going to marry, I'd be like oh, I've been in hell. You know, like I said, there is no right person, wrong time. No, it's always the right person at the right time, correct, and anything that you do with the people you cross. You know why I'm sitting up here talking to y'all Because it's the right place at the right time, amen.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's my ass winning beer Me time, oh that's my ass winning beer Me too, and this is what I live by Everything in life. That's why I'm so excited to be here today amongst you, great brothers, but I truly believe that everything in life has reason and purpose. That's right, and when you truly are doing the right thing and you're moving in the right direction, every conversation, every room that you enter is getting you closer to your expected end. It is.
Speaker 3:Live your life with purpose and passion. Every day and every instant of the day, there's a choice to make. Choose the option that best serves your purpose and glorifies your spirit at that moment in time.
Speaker 4:That's all you can do.
Speaker 3:That's why I was so quick to answer that one. Is it even a thing? Right person, wrong time? You can say that because it's hey, I'm a romantic, I love saying shit like that, I wrote poetry about it and it's like you know. But it's all romance, it's not. You know, it's not the world. It's not the world we live in, it's not even spiritual if you think about it. So, no, anyone, live life, focus on yourself and move the hell on.
Speaker 4:My dad's 77 and he's dating his college girlfriend Full circle, full circle.
Speaker 1:I love that and the reason why I say that is because he know her. The thing about it is man.
Speaker 3:Life has this way, man of like coming together, and the universe has a way of bringing certain things together, no matter what we try Any words of wisdom, any golden nuggets you want to go and impart on these young brothers as they're listening to the show, listening to their questions being answered, and what I love about this is they might not have asked the question themselves but they're like oh, I could benefit from this as well, but there's a lot that's not asked right, Because we could write an entire book about this. So any last words from anyone Be open.
Speaker 1:Be open to receive, be open to learn, be open for change. Be comfortable with being yourself. It's okay to be an individual. It's okay to wear different clothes. It's okay to be unique. Don't let people isolate you, make you feel awkward, because you're truly just being yourself. Learn to love who you are and don't try and follow the crowd, but be the crowd.
Speaker 2:Dope. Yeah, I'll tell you this. Man, don't worry so much, Life is an experience, you know.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You're going to have to go through it, don't worry so much. Don't put too much pressure on you.
Speaker 4:Yes, worry so don't put too much pressure on you?
Speaker 2:yes, sir, because you had. It has to teach you something. That's what life did. It taught us lessons like we learned these lessons yeah, that's how we get good at it. You're gonna make the mistakes, I'm telling you and that's all I've learned out of life. Is that everything that I went through taught me a lesson? It's, it's, it's like free knowledge. No, ain't no first time. Now. Sometimes you're going to shock the shit out of yourself.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know it's like Shaquille O'Neal hitting the three like, oh, surprise, I hit that. That went in.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying. Do you know how much practice Steph Curry put in to shoot? You know what I'm saying? Do you know how good Jaden Daniels had played football right now? I mean what he's playing, how Jayden Daniels had played football right now. I mean while he's playing. I was practicing and put in, man, take the pressure off yourself, man, you're going to get it right, I promise you. You stay after it, you stay aggressive, you stay focused, you stay on it, you don't move, you don't waver. Eventually, that day is going to come. Guess what's up. That's perfect.
Speaker 4:One word I got, and we talked about it the whole day Discipline If you're trying yes, what's up, that's perfect. One word I got, and we talked about it the whole day Discipline If you're trying to be successful. Discipline, just keep doing the same shit, keep moving forward. Just small goals and keep moving forward.
Speaker 3:So with me I have this one thing and it always goes back to this old adage of knowledge is power. You know, I hear that all the time and when I do sales training I always go back to that and always make that correction. I tell people knowledge is not power. Knowledge is good, but it's the application of the knowledge that is power. It's not the knowledge itself. Right, and to use, you know, a sports in this case, even like a personal trainer analogy, we all know how to get a six pack, but almost nobody has a six pack. If you look at the population, very few people by percentage maybe 1% of people walking around have a six pack.
Speaker 3:Why is that? You'll think the 99% don't know how to do it. So, if you're listening to me, if you're listening to this, understand that it's not the knowledge that is power, it's the application.
Speaker 3:So, everything we've shared with you here today is imperative that you just hear it, you go read those books, you go and find those resources and then you apply what is being taught here Discipline, focusing on yourself, being yourself. So thanks for sending in your questions. It is greatly, greatly appreciated. So proud of you, young brothers. Man, we really are proud of you for even asking and just like putting yourselves out there, even though it was anonymous I didn't get names or anything like that but proud of you guys for making the effort. So I appreciate you being here, as usual, you guys being here with me, chester Jabari, and I loved it, man.
Speaker 2:Junior you brought me back.
Speaker 3:Let's get it man Over and out Manhood Matters.
Speaker 4:Yes, sir, another one. We in the club right now. What?
Speaker 2:I need that on.
Speaker 4:CD. That's how you know you old, you said CD.
