Manhood Matters Podcast
Conversations around challenges dominating a man's journey through life. These topics are explored by real, everyday friends, with a lot of experience... And we have the occasional expert guest.
Manhood Matters Podcast
What Nobody Tells You About the Art of Staying Together
What does it really take to transform a struggling marriage into a thriving partnership? In this powerful, emotionally raw episode, Willie and Patrice Nash open up about the journey of their 17-year marriage alongside host Stéphane and his wife Zola. They reveal the pivotal conversation that changed everything seven years into their relationship.
"Before we were fighting against each other, but the last 10 years I can say we have fought every fight TOGETHER," Patrice shares, pinpointing the moment their marriage truly began to flourish. The couples explore how relocating from Memphis to Atlanta forced Willie and Patrice to rely solely on each other, creating both immense strain and unexpected healing.
Willie courageously discusses his period of grief following his mother's death—how he coped through substance abuse, emotional distance, and missed family moments. Meanwhile, Patrice reveals the loneliness she experienced while raising their children essentially alone during those difficult years. Their unfiltered honesty provides a roadmap for couples facing similar challenges.
The conversation explores how financial transparency, intentional communication, and shared decision-making became the foundation for rebuilding trust. Both couples reflect on marriage as a daily choice to elevate one another rather than simply coexist. As Willie poignantly states, "Marriage is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other."
Whether you're newly married, contemplating marriage, or weathering relationship storms, this conversation offers profound insights on fighting for your partnership rather than against each other. The vulnerability and wisdom shared here remind us that even the strongest marriages aren't built on perfection, but on the willingness to grow through difficulty together.
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Host: StéphaneAlexandre
IG: @stephanealexandreofficial
Music by Liam Weisner
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I don't think I've ever experienced in a relationship because we were raw and we admitted our flaws in the things that we did to intentionally hurt each other. No one was around, it was just him and I, and he sat me down, he said let's talk, and it was just out of the blue. It wasn't planned, it wasn't we were arguing or we were mad. It was just a random conversation and it clicked for us. And that was seven years into our marriage.
Speaker 3:But the last 10 years I can say we have fought every fight together. Before we were fighting against each other, obstacles or single, and considering marriage. Take a moment to truly understand what this partnership and commitment really means. It's not necessarily about compromise, but rather about small daily sacrifices to elevate the other person and having those be reciprocated. I sat with my friends Willie and Patrice Nash and learned so much from them. They have a 17-year marriage, which is beautiful and seems to still be in the honeymoon phase, but in this episode they bare their souls and take us on a journey through the obstacles that almost broke them apart.
Speaker 3:It was enlightening and therapeutic and also, if I ever need reassurance that I am truly loved, I can always come back to this conversation and listen to my wife Zola talk about our relationship of only three years. Both marriages have their ups and downs, major differences and uncanny parallels. Be sure to share this with your partner, because you are not alone and this conversation might just help you through some tough times. Welcome to Manhood Matters. Let's get to cope From a black man's sense. Each word, a keynote, little men, smalls, physical strife, hustling hard. So this episode is going to be about marriage, about the relationships, the longevity. You guys have been together for 17 years.
Speaker 1:It'll be 17 years this year. Married, married.
Speaker 3:All right. So why don't we just start with that right? We'll start with introducing yourselves and to say how long you've been married, and then Zola and I will go.
Speaker 1:I am Patrice Nash. I am the wife of Willie Nash Big Chill, as some have heard.
Speaker 3:That's right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Oh yeah, I'm.
Speaker 3:Big Chill Husband.
Speaker 4:I'm the husband of this fine young lady here, 17 years married, 29 years knowing you Really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 29 years knowing.
Speaker 3:Wow, hey babe 29 years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, you're like 29 hours Just about Married 28 and a half.
Speaker 3:So I'm your host, Stefan Hus, husband to my beautiful wife Zola, Married. It'll be three years in September and we've known each other just as long.
Speaker 4:All right.
Speaker 3:What I want to do is have the conversations about our relationships so that other people who are married they won't see this as a blueprint, but they can at least kind of see, okay, well, we're not the only ones dealing with this, and other people who are not married who are looking at marriage as something that eventually they will have in their lives, so they can kind of know what to expect. So let's start off with how you guys met. Take us back a little bit.
Speaker 1:Well, we have two different versions of how we met. Willieie and I went to high school together. I was a freshman, he was a senior, he was mr popular, I was not.
Speaker 3:Uh, were you a nerd yes, I was a undergrad nerd. No, and a good way like a nerd. Like you know, were you in chess club?
Speaker 1:no, I actually met him because I was the track manager you're what the track manager.
Speaker 3:You were what.
Speaker 1:The track manager. Okay, so the football team, would you know? They'd be running at the gym or outside on track and then we'd do weightlifting. So I got to see him because he was a football player.
Speaker 4:She saw me in my uniform.
Speaker 1:No, I saw him in his suspenders and a white shirt and loafers and dress pants in 12th grade. That's how my husband was coming to high school. So yeah.
Speaker 4:So you're saying I've been fly he was debonair, baby that's right, that's right but he was a really, really cool guy.
Speaker 1:His best friend at the time was like really cool with me, so we were always running to each other and he used to try to feel on my booty, um, you know, fresh meat.
Speaker 3:That's what he thought he was getting no, sir shut it down um, but over the years we just that's how he did it back then, bro, just like that's feeling on booty real quick oh, no, no, let me tell you how you would do.
Speaker 1:he'd be like, hey, you gonna give me a hug and i'll'd be like the hug, yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:So, then I'm short and he was taller than me. He would literally pick me up by my booty and I'd be like, are you serious? So I used to call him my teddy bear because he reminded me of Gerlivert. Oh, romantic, who's not romantic at all. It's like you're so annoying, but I would. I I even wrote it was ironic. You know, some people tell the story and they'd be like, oh, that didn't happen. But I pulled up my diary and I was like willie felt on my booty today I didn't know.
Speaker 4:I made it to the diary, you made it to the diary.
Speaker 2:That's cute.
Speaker 3:So, and then what happened? You asked her out eventually. Did you guys start dating in high school?
Speaker 4:No, yeah, we never got together. In high school I had a little reputation. She would never give me the time of day other than just a little casual flirting. Here and there. I used to see her out sometimes, you know. And flirting here and there, I used to see her out sometimes, you know. And she, I have somebody or she'll, she'll be with somebody as well. Just one person that she talked about all the time that one night I seen her out. I was like that ain't gonna work, you know, y'all ain't gonna be together. I ain't gonna tell her what, tell you what I really told her. I want to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Okay, well, cool, I cool, I tell her. I tell her, let's say you just dick, drunk what?
Speaker 1:Dick drunk, dick whipped yeah.
Speaker 3:Dick mitized yeah she was dick mitized. Dick whipped High five, nevermind.
Speaker 1:If I ever dick, she won't. You can't do it To somebody you're married with.
Speaker 2:You're like but pretty much Like if you see a girl that's like crazed over a dude and you're just like why? You know what I mean? She's dick whipped Like it gotta be the D yeah.
Speaker 4:And it came from Just hearing about him and conversations she would share about him. I said You'll be alright. So one night we were at Senses Senses nightclub. I was there by myself, she was there by herself.
Speaker 1:I was not by myself. I was with Erica. I had my fucking girl Dressed on Because the dicking guy Was done.
Speaker 4:I was done with the dicking guy. Okay, well, I didn't know she was there with anybody else. I don't that I can remember. No, you didn't pay attention to yeah yeah, so that night we had a good time. I never had a number, we just used to see each other out literally. And that night I got a number. I think we danced a little bit.
Speaker 1:You rubbed my feet in the club.
Speaker 4:I rubbed the feet in the club.
Speaker 2:In the club.
Speaker 4:Yay, yeah, and she had already had Thomas at the time, I think he was about six months old. We've been together ever since that night. She was supposed to call me and let me know she made it home, which she did not. I did not she did not do so. The next I believe the next, the next day or the day after I sent her a message saying thank you for letting me know you made it home, or did you make it home something like that?
Speaker 1:it was a little smart ass remark yeah, that sounds like. Okay, let me call him and be like I made it my bad and it was ironic he called me or texted me when I was pulling into my garage, so I was like oh, so it was the same night no, it wasn't it just happened. I was coming from work. I think it was that Monday. It was to like two days okay, breast is history.
Speaker 4:We got engaged and married within a year.
Speaker 1:Wow, started dating in December-ish really in and then he proposed in April.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and you know, and it came from a being in a horrible relationship prior to Her relationship wasn't that great, mine wasn't that great, and I think it allowed both of us to see what we were kind of really wanted, you know, and we came together at the right time.
Speaker 2:Do you think your previous relationship as friends in high school? Do you think that had a lot to?
Speaker 4:Oh, definitely yeah yeah, I can say that it did because, although everything was jovial and joking, you know, I think that the way life sometimes is aligned, we weren't supposed to be together then to prepare us for, you know, to go through whatever we went through to get to where we are now. But I never thought really honestly in a million years that we would actually actually be together. I was trying to get some you know that was true.
Speaker 3:I also don't know what that's like, but go on.
Speaker 4:You know, and I was the type of person that I always got what I wanted.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 4:I was. I was just joking with her the other day, even though I didn't get you then, but I still got you. You know what I'm saying? 20 years.
Speaker 3:You had to work for it.
Speaker 4:It wasn't an easy feat, no, but yeah, so we our paths came together at the right time, and I'm grateful for it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say I had to do some soul searching. For me it was a little different because I had Thomas. It made me look at the values of a man different because before I was dating to date true transparency I didn't have marriage on my list of things I wanted to do in life. I had been proposed to a couple of times before he had proposed, but I was like huh, marriage not I. But I also didn't have my son at the time and I didn't want to be one of those moms that brought men in and out of my life.
Speaker 1:But I appreciated that he was my friend first. So I didn't have to go through that awkward stage of getting to know somebody or not knowing their pedigree, because people can put on a portrayal for the first year, year and a half, two years, and then when that veil comes off you see a whole different person. I didn't have to go through that stage of our relationship. For the most part we had some growing pains but the blueprint of who he is and the fiber of who he was I already knew. I knew his family, I knew where he came from. I can go back and my friends would be like oh, that's just Willie, that's. You know we had a reference point. You know he ain't finna.
Speaker 2:Whoop my ass, is he no, just making sure right babe you want to tell a story actually no, you tell it better no, I don't know, but just like you, I wasn't looking to date or anything like that and honestly, I was just, you know, whatever my son would act up, I'm like, okay, maybe he need a daddy. You know, that's when I would start dating. And that's just an honest answer. Like I wasn't interested, like I was cool with it, just being you know me and my kids, and I was perfectly fine with that.
Speaker 2:I felt like my son was at an age where he needed, you know, that role model, because I tell Steph all the time I'm like a woman can't raise a man. You know, like she can raise him to be, have all the qualities that she feels like a man should have, but a woman can never truly raise a man. That's a man's job. So I felt like, in that sense, like yeah, we were ready. But, moreover, it was just like, okay, let me actually get serious, cause I'm I am getting up there in age. So I was just casually dating. I'm using these dating apps one nightmare after another, you know. So I was just chilling one day and I saw this guy. What was I on Tinder?
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm, because I was up there for another reason. What was your reason, same reason you had one day, that's okay, basically.
Speaker 2:So you know, I was like, oh, you know, like he's handsome and this and that and blah, blah blah. So I just I swiped was it swipe right? Yeah, I swiped, was it swipe right? Yeah, I swiped right. And then it said that we matched and I was like, oh, okay, I sent. Did I send you the message first?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I sent him a message and then he responded you can pick up from there. Yeah, so I got, I got a message. But see, so, going back, I had never known about Tinder. And then a manager that came into my office when I was at ADT. He's like I'm going to kind of turn my Tinder on Because he's from Atlanta and he came to Memphis. So I'm like what the hell are you doing? He's like I got to turn this shit on. Every time I'm out of town, I turn it on. He's like, yeah, you don't want to mess with people at home, but every time you travel I I was like that sounds like a great strategy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was like that sounds like a great strategy, so fast forward. I remember what the hell he said I'm now single and I'm going oh, I'm turning this shit on, but I don't want to mess with anybody where I was living, you know, in Memphis or whatever. So I was like I'm going out of town, I'm in Florida. We were celebrating with the team. We had a few matches because I was heading back home and I forgot to turn it off. That's when her message came through.
Speaker 3:A message came through and I was like, oh, this is someone that swiped right on earlier. I was like, hey, look, let me level with you. I'm not in town, I'm in Tennessee. So, and also, she was one of the ones that I saw her message and I respected right away, because she was very, very clear and she used a word that, even though I've heard that word a million times, it never clicked. She used the word in her profile, or her little description intentional. She said so for you to be with me, for you to even talk to me, you need to be intentional.
Speaker 3:So I was like I'm not a horrible guy and you're telling me that you know, this is your life, this is what it is. You know, I've got a dog, I've got an 18-year-old and I got a 10-year-old. I'm not playing around, I'm being intentional. So I was like I'm not going to waste this one's time, because I could have been like yeah, I'm in Miami, I'll see you next week or whatever. But I was like yeah, I'm in Memphis. Yeah, let's talk, let's see where it goes. She was like hey, I didn't notice you.
Speaker 3:I didn't notice your age on there, so I'll right I thought I was a lot younger, but hey, you know. So there was no age on there, I wasn't lying but you're also a surgeon for cooch, so yeah the age wasn't mattering exactly, I was like you don't need to know me that well, not for this, you know.
Speaker 3:You don't even know about my life and nothing. But when she asked, I was like just from 51, I'm recently divorced. At the time I was counting my stepdaughter, so I have five kids. The next message was wow, that's a lot.
Speaker 2:And I was like he's giving you the cliff notes. Okay, girl, it was like, yeah, it was like 12 paragraphs and I'm like that's a lot, that's a freaking lot you just unloaded I did, but I appreciate transparency.
Speaker 2:That's my thing. That's one thing I can appreciate about a person is transparency. I'm very direct, very straight to the point. You ain't got to sugarcoat shit for me, so for you to be trans, that's what I need. I don't need, don't waste my time. I don't need to date you six months. I need you to tell me all your bullshit right now. Yep, so I can decide if that's something I want to insert myself in right 100% agree and the next message that I sent her was I totally understand I get it.
Speaker 4:I know what my baggage is I was like I totally understand.
Speaker 3:If you want to end the conversation, it's cool or whatever. And again, luckily, she didn't say yeah, you're right, the same for me. So we kept on talking and now I was like I can't do this Tinder shit and texting, so I'm picking up the phone. What's your number? And then we were on the phone for like hours every single night. She had to wake up and go to work. She had to wake up at six and we're on the phone till like three in the morning.
Speaker 2:Oh wow no, it was real, like I've again. I've been on dating apps, I've been on the bumbles, I've been on plenty of fishes, I've been on the tinders, you know, and I've met some great quality men, right, but it's just the I wouldn't even say necessarily attraction, but that chemistry, that feeling that you get when you know, you know, even in conversations, I just didn't have that with them. A lot of them became like really good friends, but yeah, there's, you gotta I don't know, you gotta be able to deal with me in a certain. You just gotta know how to handle me right. And none of them knew how to handle me Right. You know, when I came across Steph, it was very refreshing and I'm not gonna be the one to be like, oh, he has to have like this, he has to be this, he has to be six feet, he has to Like. All that is bullshit because, at the end of the day, six feet can only go so far. Right, you know, it's, it's I mean yeah, truthfully, six foot did not matter I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:I'm sorry, I fight for mine okay, I throw down okay but I knew it was coming. But I mean, it's not even that.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying like setting realistic expectation and how far it's going to take you in a relationship. Right, a lot of women are single because they're not setting realistic expectations. Exactly you know like you're looking for yourself. Your soulmate said hi a long time ago and you dismissed him because he was only making $50,000. Right, so I was at a point in my life where I was who I wanted to attract.
Speaker 2:A lot of Steph's qualities.
Speaker 2:He's the complete opposite of me, also made that attraction so much more stronger because you know, just in speaking with him, things I would say.
Speaker 2:It wasn't necessarily a oh girl, you can't say that or check me really quick, but he had a very mature, subtle way of spinning the words around.
Speaker 2:So it sounds a lot better Like he'll say it back to me and I can actually like catch it I don't know if you knew that, but you do that a lot but you'll rephrase everything that I'm trying to say and he'll say it in a way where one it's not as hostile, it's more and maybe hostile isn't the right word but not as aggressive. He would say it in a way where it feminizes me and I interpret it, I take it, digest it and I can give that back to him, right? So I know like my follow-up sentence needs to be a certain way, like it wasn't, and it sounds like it's a mind game, but it was just something that just naturally occurred within my spirit like basically like checks your tone without checking your tone exactly, exactly, or like I just say things and again he'll just regurgitate it back at me in a way where it's more human, more you know, more understanding, and then I can write off that and it's the rest of the conversation can flow.
Speaker 2:Ok, if that makes any sense at all. Yeah, it's just those little things in conversation that really stood out for me. That's just like you know that's captivating, like these dudes weren't captivating me, like that Like it just wasn't there.
Speaker 2:So to come across Steph, even though that long list of his shit list like immediately, because me I don't like drama. I don't like any of that, right, but it's presented in a way that I could handle, so it's up to me to be like hmm, he has kids. But guess what? They're workable. Things like these are things that can change and grow within a relationship, which is why I was just like yeah, let's, let's continue talking right and in those conversations it's like just like wow.
Speaker 2:Like like wow, like I love Steph before I met him, oh, wow. Like those are the conversations that we were having, like he was feeding and my soul and like pouring into me, like this was like by the it's like two weeks in Smooth operator. No, but like I'm saying like, like me, I'm the type of person like we don't need to waste time, I don't need to find out six months from now that you got bad credit. We knocked that out First conversation, finances, all that stuff. Like, let's knock that stuff out, because to me, like this is all the shit people need to know up front.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, we all need to commit a whole year to each other. Then go try to get a place to realize both of us fucked up, right, like no, we need to establish that before and continue to work on it so we can get to where we need to be at that point. Right, so it's like all these conversations that we were having, they weren't oh, man, you so fine what you ate for lunch. Like it was none of that stuff, it was legit getting to know each other like for real.
Speaker 2:The questions that people yeah, the questions that people take too long to ask yeah we already asked that, like first 48, so we were able to move on from there, and then it's gold and it was just some real conversation, like intense conversation and, yeah, like I said, like I loved Steph before I even met him.
Speaker 1:Willie and I had long conversations as well because we didn't have to go through that getting to know you stage. So he knew my biggest thing was my child. He had to pass a test. So Thomas was six months, five, six, six months. So you know, at that stage there's kind of like finicky around certain people. So I let him come over to meet Thomas. Full transparency. I was living with my child's father but we were not together. He was living on one side of the house, I was on the other. You were roommates.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we were strictly roommates. You just happened to be the daddy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we had bought a house together that Willie would not finance before because he said that shit ain't going to last.
Speaker 4:So I went to him. I was a loan officer.
Speaker 3:He was a loan officer. He's like I'm not approving that shit.
Speaker 2:I'm not approving that shit. Shut me down Like full throttle.
Speaker 4:And I was like I know.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I was like damn when I was by myself.
Speaker 1:You said yeah, but then I bring him in the office. I ain't even want that chick, it's like nah. So anyway, we got a house together and it's not as easy to get out of the house, so we were roommates. But let him come over to see Thomas and Thomas fell in love with him, like I was, like my son doesn't even like me besides my dad, dad and my brother, but everybody else he would never go to, but that one he went right to, like they played together.
Speaker 1:Then my son had a good spirit. You did have a good spirit. And that's what I want to have a good spirit, yeah that's what I wanted to check to see, like that was my post check, where it wasn't necessarily finances but it was more how are you going to be with my son? I used to hear everybody say, don't let him get to know your child too soon. But I'm like that's my reality Every day. I'm a mother. That's not something I can turn off.
Speaker 4:Interesting take and it definitely wasn't the finances, because when we met I was living with my mother.
Speaker 1:He was, he was living with his mom, but it was the market at that time was getting ready to tank.
Speaker 1:That's when recession was hitting, mortgage recession was hitting and loan processing loan officer wasn't making as much, but he was always better financed at that time than I was because he had built a huge saving and he was a go-getter. It didn't stop him from working. He was like this is not giving me the amount that I want. I'm spending more money and I don't have anybody at home. Might as well live with my parents. So I knew the reasoning why. So I was like there's no, you're not a bum, you've lived out on your own before. You could maintain your life driving a nice car and not saying that you know that mattered, but I knew he could pay bills. He, but I knew he could pay bills. He showed that he had the ability to pay bills. So that wasn't a big flag for me. Like I said, it was just really how he interacted with my son and my son got RSV right around his birthday the weekend of his birth closer to his birthday.
Speaker 2:What's RSV?
Speaker 1:Respiratory Systic Clinical Virus, where, if he would have been, probably a month later he was to the point where he could have been deadly Deadly.
Speaker 1:So they have better treatments now, but during this time he had to go into the hospital for about a week and get steroids and he checked on me every day, came up there to see him, bought him like a little stuffed animal that my son kept forever. Yeah, he was like checking on me, checking on my son, and I saw that quality, like he didn't have to Right, especially just dating Right, and I wasn't giving him any because he still had to work for it. You didn't get that ass, but I had to see all these qualities and I'm seeing him do more than the person that I thought should have been there and they wasn't showing up the way that I thought and I'm like that person's not even checking on me, but this one is always making sure I'm good and even after Because he was the one who kept him and held him the night that he was like really going through it and stuff with me, so that tugged at my heart too. Then he painted my whole house.
Speaker 1:You was working for it and I'm sitting here thinking about it now you still owe me some I mean, yeah, it was not a small house, it was like he had to paint all the rooms with I painted a hole after my child's father moved out. He painted a house like this I mean, yeah, it was not a small house. It was like he had to paint all the rooms with me kitchen, everything I wanted, everything painted and he did it with me.
Speaker 3:Willie, when did you know that she was the one? Obviously there was courtship, but at some point you were just like that's my wife.
Speaker 4:I can say from the night at the club, really, wife. I can say from the night at the club, really.
Speaker 3:So the rest of it was like super genuine. Yeah, you weren't trying to get anything.
Speaker 4:It was no agenda other than that's my woman, that's my wife yeah, I knew, like I said, because once I went through that bad relationship and I had time to think about okay, it's not just about sex anymore. What do I want going forward, what I want my future to look like? And for me to go in knowing that she had a six-month-old, knowing that the dad's still around and, as limited as I felt that he was, um, knowing that I still wanted it. Like I said, it was a real choice, you know, to be there, because some men just walk away from that, you know. But I knew, I said, knowing her, and it could have been, honestly, it could have been something from high school, because I, because we always came back to each other some kind of way.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:You know, whether she's at a restaurant. I walk in a restaurant, she's at the bar with her girls. We flirt a little bit and I go somewhere else and I see her again, like we always kind of saw each other. So it you know, when it the opportunity came to really focus on what I wanted, I mean it was easy to kind of revert back to her and I think that seeing her that night, I was like I can't let her go. This time I'm gonna get her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but what were you looking for in a woman, or what was lacking? Maybe lacking isn't the right word, but what was happening in your life where you were just like, nah, I need this one isn't the right word, but what was happening in your life where you were just like nah, I need this one, this.
Speaker 4:What did she fulfill for you? Well, it was the, the, the conversation and the intellectual aspect of her. You know, whereas before I always had long hair, light skin, nice shape. I had a a real type, and that's all that I would deal with, so she was different from what I was accustomed to.
Speaker 2:So you had to step over to the dark side. I stepped over to the dark side. Exactly, right, it's okay, we know, we know, we typically do it. We typically do it Amen, same this one. You know that type. We typically do it no, no.
Speaker 3:Baby, please. I did not go after them, they came after me. It's different, oh my god, I'll tell you a quick story
Speaker 1:I'll go back to us dating, but let me tell you a quick story. Willie and I were at the mall one time. His mom had just passed and his sister. Him and I were at the mall getting ready to find something to wear for the funeral or whatever. He's sitting on the bench and now go into the loft or something looking for something to wear. I come back out. It's this little petite, long hair, bright, light skin girl. He's like no no, no.
Speaker 1:I'm good, I like see little bitch. I told you I can't take you nowhere from now on. You stay right. And that was the second one, so the bad relationship he was in. We were at Macy's right before that and another girl, like her friend, saw him and immediately got on the phone with her friend Because we could hear her on the phone. He was like ah shit, that's such and such friend and I'm like okay.
Speaker 4:And to go back a little bit, there was no substance behind that. At the end of the day, she was smart. She liked to read books all the time. It was just something that was totally different, that I knew that I needed in my life because I needed to grow. I was always an entrepreneur. I had to entrepreneur mindset, but being around someone who can educate me and help me and I'm seeing the things that she's doing for herself, and then she's pointing to me and giving me different ideas of different ways of looking for things, that became more important to me than the superficial stuff.
Speaker 2:But it doesn't hurt that she's fine. You know, what I'm saying. That's icing on the cake.
Speaker 1:I was a looker, I just was a little darker, yeah, I mean that.
Speaker 4:That that helped. I just was a little darker. Yeah, I mean, that helped out tremendously, so I can get this and that Exactly.
Speaker 1:But I will say Honestly, I wasn't all innocent either. Like we grew up in Memphis, and Memphis is a big city but it's a small town, so I don't know if that makes sense, but everybody knows everybody. So by us, going to high school we had overlapping friends and when we get said we were getting ready to get married.
Speaker 1:Mind you, we had just started dating and people were like wait, first of all, we didn't even know they were dating. Second of all, they married each other. I think it was a few bits out there that we went last, because they were like you married to who? And it wasn't just on his side, it was on my side too because, again, marriage was not on my list of things and I was just out doing my thing.
Speaker 1:I was like I don't have a care in the world, I'm living my best life like he said I had my own house, had my job, I had been working since I was 14 and I go out, hang out with my girls and go to happy hour, do what I wanted to do. But again I think my son slowed me down and I stopped going to the club and I started, like you said, being very intentional and I didn't get an opportunity to be too intentional because he popped up right.
Speaker 2:I was like, well, damn, stop it intentional, because he popped up right, I was like, well, damn, stop it, be again. No, sometimes when you, I really feel like when you put certain things out there in the universe, you said, okay, I'm gonna be intentional. That's a weird way of just bringing that to your doorstep, you know.
Speaker 1:I believe you pray things into existence. I've lived that through my whole life. I don't know how people are with their religion, but I am one of how people are with their religion. But I am one of those people when I get into a sticky situation I ask the Lord, you know, like if it's not for me, take it away. And he didn't take him away. He's never gave me that insight to say that he was the one that I needed to remove from my life. If anything. My dad loving him was huge too. His mom was like take care of my baby. And I would go over his mom house more than I would tell him Like. He'll call me, like hey, where y'all at, and I'm like, oh, I'm at your mom house. He'll be like I ain't even over there. I'm like, well, I am.
Speaker 1:And this was like when we first initially started dating and I would hang with her and my mom, you know back and forth.
Speaker 3:That's awesome. What's something about marriage that's happening that you did not expect, being that this is so fresh for us?
Speaker 2:You're asking me yeah, again.
Speaker 1:I get it, I 100% get it.
Speaker 2:Sharing my bed, you know. Going in the bathroom and somebody already in there, you know.
Speaker 3:Your presence, you, I wanted marriage, but I didn't know you'd be in it.
Speaker 1:You're in my space. You're in my marriage, right, oh God.
Speaker 2:I think it's being forced to relinquish that selfishness you know, being comfortable with losing space because, again, I was alone for a very, very, extremely long time, you know. So it's like all these things that I'm accustomed to. It's like now, okay, my thing about Steph is I wanted him in my space, so navigating through that was easy for me, but I think, difficult for him because, remember, he was living in Memphis. I made him sell his house and move to Florida to be with me, so he gave up. Initially he gave up a lot like a lot, a lot. Now it's like, okay, you know, what can I do to make it our space? Because, again, everything in there is already set up. So it was more trying to make him feel welcomed, if that makes any sense, than being an outsider or feeling like he's just living with someone and not having like his own identity in that space.
Speaker 2:Navigating through that was a challenge in itself. Me now not being head of household and shifting my life in a way where, because now I have that male presence, I'm no longer head of household, right. So shifting that mindset and I have two kids, letting them know like, this is who's in my life, this is who's going to be here I mean, they knew that before he moved in right, but things were moving really, really fast. Like I said, you know, we loved each other at two weeks. Then we met, like what, another two weeks later for Valentine's Day, and then we did, like you know, I would fly to Memphis for extended weekends and then, by like month three, march 18th to be exact, you know, we were engaged, so that's like three. We were like at the speed of light. So a lot was happening, yeah, like a lot was happening that neither one of us were prepared for.
Speaker 2:For us, it felt normal, it felt right, it didn't see you know, from the outside looking in, yeah, I could see where it was a tad bit crazy, like you. Okay, blink twice, yeah, I can see the outside perception, but us being in it like everything just seemed normal. This is what we're supposed to do, right? So for me, when you're when something is supposed to happen, it's easy. But then when something isn't supposed to happen, there's a lot of obstacles along the way that you have to force things to make it work.
Speaker 2:Again, back to you know, everything being rushed in a sense, not rushed for us, but from the outside looking in, everything seemed rushed, but for us it was just like moving at the pace that it should, right? So I didn't have any objections to that. And then engaged in March. We are married in September. There's no, we dated for a year way, but you're growing together, yeah, you know. And then also, I think again people wait that long year or two years because again they're trying to figure out all the things that they should have just asked up front, up front, right, they're waiting for those red flags to see if they exactly are and all that stuff, or you know filling it out, and I'm a strong believer.
Speaker 1:if I didn't know within three to four months, you know, of us dating, there was no point.
Speaker 3:I will say one thing that happens that's interesting too is like we all have our unique stories and even though you guys knew each other a long time, when you got together you just said we're going to fast forward through all this. You didn't think it, it just organically happened. Same with us. We met and it was just like boom, boom, boom. It feels like we'll joke like last year how anniversary came and we were like what year is this like? It feels like it's year 10 we've been together, but in a good way. Nothing like oh, my god, it's been, you know forever. More like we've known each other. We feel we've gone through a whole lot and if there's been any kind of doubt, it hasn't really been doubt about who we are and what we're meant to be to each other. It's more like the logic kicks in right. So something happens and we're beefing about something. It's just like should we have taken more time? Did you ever think of that at all? I?
Speaker 2:mean, we're beefing now. Yeah, I know you'd never know it, but here's the thing, though. And, steph, right, I have my best friend, I have my husband, I have my road dog, I have my advisor, I have, you know, my spiritual leader, someone who prays over me every single day. So I have all these things right now as husband and wife. Oh, we beefing mad right now, right, like real bad, but he's also my best friend. Like, right now, I'm having this conversation with my best friend, yes, my husband, but this is my best friend, right, we'll handle husband and wife stuff later, but in stuff, I have everything, and I know how to separate certain things.
Speaker 2:Like, yeah, I could be beefing with my husband, but that's just. It's like having a split personality, you know. So it's like I'm beefing with my husband. I'm not even talking to him right now, I'm talking my best friend, right. So it's like I have everything that I need in stuff, and then shit happens, and it's just knowing how to navigate through it, because, at the end of the day, I'm not going anywhere, right, and if our marriage doesn't work, it's because you wanted to leave.
Speaker 2:Yes, things happen, but I'm never like, oh damn, maybe we should have waited. It's part of the growing pains that you're talking about. There's so much more to him, so much more to us that totally outweigh the cons, yeah. And then when you find someone who is your everything and I'm not saying everything like I've lost my identity and it's all about this man or anything like that but when you find someone who fully completes you and I'm not saying like you can't be complete on your own, but you know when something in you clicks that you are officially complete. I've had that click I don't make poor decisions, me saying because I've been married before to myself, but I mean technically it was another person, but it's like being in a marriage by yourself and that was something I never wanted to experience again. So me making the decision to be married and be with someone, that's huge for me and that's a commitment. That's not something I'm going to walk away from. And for me to make that commitment it has to be the right person.
Speaker 1:yeah though we got married. We got married young. Like I was 27, you were 30, that was that's young for me it's still me. And now you're bopping at 35, 40, trying to figure out what they want, and then for 27 for me I was only four years out of college. I guess that's when people were trying to decide what they want, but it's hard no like usually for women who was not low that was a good time because the child was born oh yeah, I forgot about that, yeah so I stopped at 24, but and that's usually- the age women start to really yeah, women men trap women like really soon.
Speaker 2:Like really yeah, they trap us real soon no think about it like statistically I mean even look at it a lot of young black women in their 20s already have their first kid in their 20s they weren't doing that see, but you were on a different path, like that wasn't your path. But statistically, right now. Yeah, that's right a lot of women in their 20s have kids.
Speaker 1:That's true, they're trapped but, now I had some bop in me it's about that life.
Speaker 1:No, I'm just playing no, I'm just playing but when we got together Well, let me back back Right before we got married his mom passed I've developed a super close relationship with her, yeah, and he had lost a significant part of him. She was that wife that every woman aspires to be, as far as taking care of home, providing for her kids, cooking her husband a meal. That goes into me being always in her space, trying to learn things that she was doing because that's what he was accustomed to. But he was grieving during the rest of our time getting married, like to the point where we thought we'd push the wedding back some. But he was like nope, we're getting married, going to hold steady. I was like, okay, cool, but into our marriage for the first three or four years he was still grieving. And he wasn't grieving healthy because he would cope with hanging with his family, because that's who had the most memories of his mom Because, mind you, I only had like a year of memories of her, his sister, his cousins, everybody else.
Speaker 4:It was a lot of coping with alcohol and drugs.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I'm going to put that out there.
Speaker 4:I opened that door because now, as you're saying that, it made me think about something that you probably just really didn't know that I was really going through that, and it kind of the first couple of years of being married.
Speaker 1:I was dark.
Speaker 4:I wasn't married, if that makes sense. It was just. I wasn't focused on the wife, I wasn't really focused on the kids. I was just out enjoying life, doing what I wanted to do, coming home four o'clock, five o'clock in the morning, partying, and it was how I coped with losing my mother. I didn't really really really get to know my kids when we moved to Georgia. Now I came home every night, but I missed the events I got when we moved to Georgia. Now I came home every night, but I missed the events.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 4:I didn't do homework with them, I didn't really talk to them all the time. I laughed with her for a little bit, throw her up in the air and play with her a little bit, but I was trying to get out. I was chasing something that made me feel better. Well, I thought that was making me feel better in the absence of my mother.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 4:You and that was the party being around my family, I mean, I think I probably drank a fifth of Hennessy a day just coping with that, and that wasn't fair to the family, that wasn't fair to them, but that's why I felt that I needed at the time. So once we moved to Georgia which in hindsight was the best thing that- ever happened to me.
Speaker 3:You're a different person. I'm totally different. I know you from Memphis and I know you now. Yeah, and you know, loved you then for the person that you are now, someone I look up to and I always say I'm like, just like the things you've accomplished, and even your relationship is a beautiful thing to watch.
Speaker 1:Like you, you remember him, like you heard about us but you didn't know about us. You knew about Ernest or his best friend, you know about his sister, you know those people and it was okay. Well, it wasn't okay because it left me lonely, um, but I had my children and I protected them and we'll be very honest, like the way we got here to Atlanta was me saying I gave him a warning shot. I said, hey, you're not putting me on a pedestal. I don't feel like I'm number one priority in your life.
Speaker 4:He was like what do you mean? I was angry.
Speaker 1:I date you, we go on dates. I was like, no, I don't feel like I'm a priority, and then he'll get mad and storm out. I'd be like you're just going to your sister. I would make smart comments like you just want to go to your sister house, and that's where he would go and he would hang with them all the time. And it wasn't about me. You knew how much money he was making at that time. I didn't know. So it was a substantial amount of money and I wasn't seeing it in the house. I would have to find things for the kids to do. They went to the firework, shows or, you know, the zoo, whatever.
Speaker 1:We decided that weekend we were going to do park or whatever. He was like I'm not even in y'all's circle, I'm like but we're not excluding you, you're excluding yourself. You can always come. So we had a huge blowout right before we came to Atlanta, because we went out to dinner and I said, hey, there's a potential that I can get a job in Atlanta. What do you mean? I said, well, I have numerous places where I could go. Tell me where you want to go. And I listed the places and he chose Atlanta. But in his head. He didn't think that I could actually do it because at this time that ego was playing in and you know he's the breadwinner and he's making this money. But again, I'm not seeing that money, so I can't make my decisions about my kids' well-being and my life based off of you at this point. I went on and got the job. He was like I'm not leaving. I was like OK, well, that means you can come visit the kids on the weekends.
Speaker 3:I could send them back however you want to do and this is my, my voice while we're sitting on the couch he's sitting in one, because you, you had time to, I'm gonna. I'm gonna guess that you probably replayed that conversation in your head before it happened, so you just knew I already knew he was gonna come angry this is my approach yeah, I knew I was standing my ground.
Speaker 1:I knew all that. Then he said I'll never forget. He told me you act like you don't even need me at this point. I don't. He was like you just need a boyfriend that you could fuck. I was like maybe, so you're angry he was coming with it hard.
Speaker 3:I was like maybe so and I know some of it because I talked to him about he came to the office and closed the door one day, so you'd talk yeah yeah, he was pissed like he went to everybody to find validation in his point and he couldn't find it because everybody knew you need to choose your family.
Speaker 1:But he couldn't see it and I was removing him from his comfort and then his dad and my dad told him you need to follow your family. Man, that was one of his arguments. My, I can't leave my dad and I was like I'm good, go and so it was after a while, after a while his family. No, I'm not gonna lie. His family gave me hell yeah oh, I'm just now going back around some of them they gave me, so much.
Speaker 4:I was like dang, I'm coming hard. And then my grandmother, you know you don't.
Speaker 4:You don't follow a woman yeah, you know you, you the man you need. You know she needs to follow you. And that was some of the stuff my uncles and and even my dad, you know, was saying yeah, man, she needs to follow you. And that was some of the stuff my uncles and even my dad was saying. So that added to it how no, I'm not going, you need to stay. So I called a bluff and like she was saying she was like well, you, no, she wasn't bluffing?
Speaker 2:No, I wasn't. No, she wasn't. Were you this calm when you were letting him? Oh, yeah, I never raised my voice.
Speaker 1:I didn't go off on him. He got so crazy. He listed some ridiculous Things that he wanted In the house. Like I want my own.
Speaker 4:We ain't got a whole lot of time.
Speaker 1:He said I want my own Office. I want to have the entrance of my office Separated. I want a basement. I want this. You know what God my office separated. I want a basement. I want this. You know what God did? Gave him all that and more Ain't that so. And his ass couldn't do nothing but say damn.
Speaker 1:Guess, I'll start back in it wasn't even on the list of houses we were going to go see. Our realtor called us and said hey, I think I got the perfect house for y'all. It's not even on the market yet. And said hey, I think I got the perfect house for y'all. It's not even on the market yet. We went to see it, we signed that same day and boom.
Speaker 1:But it took us getting here and then having one of the hardest, most brutal conversations I think I've ever experienced in a relationship, because we were raw and we admitted our flaws and the things that we did to intentionally hurt each other. No one was around, it was just him and I, and he sat me down, he said let's talk and it was just out the blue. It wasn't planned, it wasn't we were arguing or we were mad, it was just a random conversation and it clicked for us. And that was seven years into our marriage. But the last 10 years I can say we have fought every fight together. Before we were fighting against each other, but we knew we wasn't going to give up on each other. We just was riding it, riding the shit out, till the wheels fell off.
Speaker 3:I love that. I love that, the idea of fighting every fight together. I always say, you know, to me it's whatever problem is, whatever arises, it's not me versus you, right, it's me and you versus the problem. Problem is here, it's ugly. Sometimes it's my fault that a problem even exists, sometimes it's not, but what you trying?
Speaker 3:to say it's always my fault. What'd I say? Every time the problem it's your fault, it's my fault, right? However, the problem takes on a personality of its own. It exists, so now it needs to be you and I who are facing that problem and saying how we're going to navigate through it, and I love what you said earlier, when you are able to compartmentalize different aspects of our relationship. I never thought of it that way and it's like it was clicking, yeah.
Speaker 4:And I heard marriage put this way and it's the best way to explain it marriage is is basically two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. That's right. Your goal in marriage and this is what I've been, we've been living by for the last 10 years is we wake up, first of all, thanking God that we did wake up, but choose to do something to elevate that person so they can have a great day. And then, as long as it's reciprocated, that was one of the good recipes that we kind of put together and kind of did daily yeah, I always go in his office.
Speaker 1:If I know he frustrated, I'll do something silly or I may come hug him and he'd be like I don't want a hug, I don't want a hug and I'm like no energy transfer since, um, you're a little aggressive right now and I'm not give me a hug.
Speaker 1:He's like I don't want a hug. And it calms him down because I do believe in energy, because if he gets too frustrating and I'll be like you're messing up my energy, like you're bringing your negativity over here, so I'm gonna need you to go away from me because I refuse to be in that space and it brings him down, just making him realize and reflect on where his mindset is right at that moment, like I told him what the other day you, you woke up choosing violence.
Speaker 2:I was, like you, just Just woke up man Like.
Speaker 1:So we found these little tricks Because we both Work at home, so we're not Apart. A lot Like we went from In Memphis when we barely Saw each other. I probably saw him Like three, four hours Out the day and that's like when he giving up Getting dressed To leave, you know, and then Yikes.
Speaker 4:But it wasn't you know, and then, but it wasn't you know. And I get home off work and leave before she got home.
Speaker 1:He'll wait for Mary to go to sleep, mary and Thomas go to sleep, and then he'd be gone. It was like I wasn't mad.
Speaker 4:I can't believe you dealt with me like that.
Speaker 1:No, you dealt with me too because I wasn't perfect. I didn't give you a safe space either, because I shut down. He would leave the house at, let's say, 10 am. I wouldn't call him at all because you left. So I don't, I don't care, you're out there in the streets, be out there. So I didn't give him a safe space and he said well, my cousin's wives, they all called and checked on him.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh, okay, so that was my Gemini side of me coming out saying I don't give a fuck what you do out there. But that wasn't what he needed either, and he kept telling me that, that he needed somebody to be that reassurance. And I couldn't give him that because he wasn't making me feel safe anymore. And I saw the things that he was going through, though he thought I didn't. I saw the receipts. I saw you know the drunken stupors and you know smoking weed a lot and I was like this is a lot, but it's okay.
Speaker 4:And this is the growing pains that we were talking about. We learned each other in the marriage, but again, the most important thing about it is that, although we was having these challenges, we never gave up on each other. Right, it's the best relationship which it should be in my marriage that. I've ever had. My guards are totally down. I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been.
Speaker 4:We didn't like I said, we didn't talk about money. You know, my money was my money, her money was her money. We put what needed to be in the account to pay the bills. If Money was my money, her money was her money. We put what needed to be in the account to pay the bills.
Speaker 1:If the bill was $95.22, I put $95.22. Not 23, not 24. He wasn't rounding shit up $95.22.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's what it was so at what point did finance become something that you guys opened up about when?
Speaker 4:we got here, when we got here, because everything changed in Georgia.
Speaker 4:Yeah, everything changed in Georgia because I was pulled from an environment that I was accustomed to, that I was comfortable with. So we came here and we didn't have anybody but each other. So I couldn't go to my sister's house and stay over there the night. We fought it out, talked it out or whatever we needed to do, because it was just us. I think that the death and the sickness, and just realizing that she's my best friend you know now I don't do anything without it I call it and tell her.
Speaker 1:He share his location with you.
Speaker 4:I did not share my location. When did that start this year?
Speaker 3:Last year, yeah, damn so 16 years this year, last year, yeah, damn.
Speaker 1:So let me say before then he was, we was he. Only reason why he didn't share his location because he never shared it with anybody. And he got mad because he was like we're such as. I was like, oh, let me look at their location. He was like wait a minute, why am I the only one that don't have their location? I said because we don't have yours.
Speaker 1:So unless you want, to show funny if you want ours. And it was just because of that privacy, not because he was doing anything, because hell, he was at home. It was just like, okay, let me share it. And I was like, oh, okay, we get your location, you could be. You know, that's the final straw of being in our cycle so I'm totally in it, totally you know, but he I'd never forget the pride.
Speaker 1:Conversation with finances came up. Okay, for one, I've never paid our utility bills since we've been together. I failed us one time and the lights got cut off. It wasn't even about having the money. I forgot to pay the bills. So he was like, from here on out, you would never pay a utility bill, never look at them, don't even know how much they cost, I don't know anything about them. So his money came up short. This was when we first moved in, and you know he's 100 commission. He was like, hey, I just need you to pay this utility bill and it ate him up that I didn't send him the money, I just went online and paid it and he was like what you trying to say I can't pay the bills? Now I was like what the fuck does this mean? I was like I thought I was being helpful handy over here.
Speaker 4:I was in my feeling he was, he was in his feeling it's tough to ask man.
Speaker 3:It was tough for him to ask, and then it.
Speaker 1:It hit him harder because he wasn't logging in to pay it and I had never done it before. But I'm like, oh, I'm going to be self-sufficient and I'm going to do it for him so he have one less thing to work. Never again have I paid you to pay me. It was a hard conversation for him because ADT in Memphis and ADT in Atlanta was totally different and the amount of money he was making plummeted substantially. He was like wait, I gave up all this for our family. So we had to have real conversations about finances and it was a tough period for us. But we got through it through conversations. You know, it wasn't like soon as we moved to Atlanta aha, all glories. It took us probably another year or two. That's the total of the seven years.
Speaker 1:It took us about a year or two to like really figure it all out.
Speaker 4:And then we were like, ok, we got this, we're good, I'm going to say something and in that conversation that we had, I had to admit that part of it was the fact that I was being resentful because I had to move to Georgia. So I put a lot of pressure on her for the bills and money. I didn't go, probably go as hard as I could because I didn't want to be there anyway. So I'm like you got us here, you figure it out.
Speaker 3:Oh, wow.
Speaker 4:If you need, we need some money for something. I don't got it. I don't got it, is that right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't got it, You'll say I don't got it. And I went. I never yelled at him, I never got mad, I got. I was hurt a little bit in my feelings behind the scenes, so he admitted that I cried because it validated what I was feeling that whole time, Like it just don't seem like he care enough for me and I told him thank you, Instead of going off and getting mad or any of that, for you to be man enough to sit here and tell me I was being resentful. I forgive you. I'm your wife. I know I'm going to be the one that's going to carry us sometimes and if I was in it just for the comfort or the glorious days only, I wasn't ever in it the right way. It's not marriage Right.
Speaker 1:So I respected him enough to understand you broke me in finances. You grew in your relationship with the children. That was my biggest driver with him. He was missing critical times in our kids' lives. I get our son, but a daughter needs to see how her dad shows up. I needed him to date her. I always told him you have to date your daughter so she can understand what's out there in this world and what to expect from a man. And the first learning place is with him. And he did. He showed up for her, he, he did what I needed him to do as a father. So I can forgive what he didn't do for me and I know that's probably stupid, but no, not at all.
Speaker 3:But you also have to realize if someone didn't know you guys, they would swear. You guys are in the honeymoon phase, so the time that you have ahead of you is a lot more than what you had behind you. So if there were some bumps along the road, it doesn't really matter, because those bumps made you who you are today and you survived the worst tests.
Speaker 1:I believe, yeah. So from watching that, We've gone through a lot. Yeah, and that's why I say we now have come to that conclusion. He used to always tell me you can't leave me because if you get a boyfriend I'm just going on y'all dates with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there you go.
Speaker 4:What move are we going to see what restaurant? I don't want that.
Speaker 1:Like we. Just we don't even stay. Honestly, I would say in the last 10 years or whatever years we've had now, we have probably been mad at each other for about 24 hours max. We just don't get into it too often because if we do, I make a joke out of it or he makes a joke out of it because we figure you know why live in the anger.
Speaker 3:So is that how you resolve conflict? Or, and better question is, how long does it take you to resolve conflict? Because we have our own formula, and I'm not sure if it's even a formula, but I found that that's just. There's a pattern and I've recognized the pattern.
Speaker 2:What's the pattern?
Speaker 3:step Generally it's about 48 hours at least.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's too long.
Speaker 3:I know so, cause I've actually come to that conclusion.
Speaker 2:I am a very vengeful person.
Speaker 3:Right Full 10 toes down. Stand on business.
Speaker 2:I stand on business.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Like I'm working on it, but don't cross me. But you know the problem, you know so. You know. The issue with that is that no one wants to keep taking the first steps, just like when you've mentioned in the past and you've said I always have to say something when something's wrong. You'll be silent and I recognize it and I go.
Speaker 3:She's right, because initially my first thought was, if I'm dealing with something that I don't like, I just shut down and it's a trigger for her because that's not a good place and that's not something she wants to have in her own household. Like to be uncomfortable walking around with someone, just mad. So now I'm like, okay, cool, I'll say something, but I may not be able to talk about it right away. So here's my thing. I'm older and I don't want to sound all morbid and shit, but there's more years behind me, there's are in front of me, yeah, and I met you at an age where I feel like, god, I wish I met you at 25. Now, I sucked at 25. I was just not a good boyfriend, not a good person, but I wish in my mind, I imagine, that you would have made me a better person, or at least I pointed me in the right direction.
Speaker 3:So today I go every time that we don't talk or something lingers. I'm literally just watching the clock. So when we have that fight, even if we don't have it immediately, I'm always going damn, now it's 12 hours, now it's been 24. Now it's two days and it just takes a toll on me. So I don't know what the answer is, but I guess what I'm asking is how long do you guys take before you go? I don't care what's going on or how bad it is. This is the limit. We don't go more than six hours, 12 hours. Give each other time to cool off before we have to resolve it. Do you have that in your life?
Speaker 4:I don't. It's no time clock um per se for us. The way I look at it now is that I'm not going anywhere. I mean, I'm not finna be in the house upset with you. Let's go ahead and talk it out.
Speaker 4:If we can't, and let's just move forward, Because it's more stressful for me to be upset with her. We can talk it out because I'm not leaving. Okay, she's not leaving. I would rather us rectify the situation, talk through it and be all right. So I don't want to go to bed mad. Really, think about what you're mad at.
Speaker 1:Right, it'd be something so small.
Speaker 4:It's not worth it because, and what death has been around us has taught me, you hear today gone in a second yeah. So I don't want a second to go by to where, if something happens to her or somebody and they die, I'm like man. We were mad at each other when they died.
Speaker 1:I don't want that, yeah but I do know when not to push him any further. If he turns around and says I'm done with this conversation, let him be, let him process it, let him figure out where his feelings are, and then I come back later, maybe an hour or two, and then I come back once I come down and I come back and I can either say she was right or I still hold my stance and it's a matter of just respecting each other and just know you're gonna have disagreement.
Speaker 4:she, she had a life and a personality, and all that before me, I have one, and we just learn to respect each other in those confinements or in those parameters and we're okay with it.
Speaker 1:There are certain things about me that he can't change. It drives him crazy. There are certain things about his personality that drives me crazy, and I'm a always look at the glass half full type of person, and he does not give anybody the benefit of the doubt. Like he is black and, like you said, black and white, and it's hard for him to trust people. So when he does trust somebody and they lose that trust, it triggers something in him. So he'll get frustrated with things and I'm like, well, in hindsight, he like, no, that's not what I want to hear. So he'll get frustrated with things and I'm like, well, in hindsight, he like, no, that's not what I want to hear. Or if the kids don't communicate something, I'm learning, like you know how to communicate with him better. Or we have to tell him certain things in a certain way. He doesn't hear it. Even though I thought I communicated, well, he might not have received it. So I'm like, ok, learning lesson. Now let let's put it in. That's why I told you earlier I document everything with them. I put it in the family. I created a family text so everybody can go back to reference what I said.
Speaker 1:Because I'm telling things on the fly, because, as a mother and a wife, I'm holding a lot of hats in the house, I'm doing a lot, and then I work all the time. So I'm like a lot of hats in the house, I'm doing a lot, and then I work all the time. So I'm like trying to make sure everybody's schedule is coordinated, everybody's good, everybody is eating, knowing where everybody is. Like they could be sitting in the house. He could be sitting right there with the kids and my son would be ready to leave and he'd be like where's Thomas going? I know he just walked past your office, but I'm not even at the house. Why are you asking? That's funny.
Speaker 1:So they like literally tell dad this, or can you have dad look at it? And I'm like we have to have a whole discussion before they have the discussion so he can prepare himself for the discussion, and it's like I'm good with that, I'm okay with that because it makes our house function better. Everybody gets out of their feelings, Everybody is level-headed and if I have to play that role of neutral ground, I'll be the traffic director. But it keeps the peace. I don't have that much energy to give people.
Speaker 3:That's an interesting dynamic, but it works for you guys.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Let me ask you this, and feel free to jump in here with this response as well what is one thing that marriage has taught you about yourself that you didn't know about yourself until being in the marriage itself?
Speaker 1:That I can be submissive.
Speaker 3:Yeah, based on everything you said earlier, I imagine you didn't know that you could even play that role.
Speaker 1:No, I didn't. I didn't trust myself to trust him enough to control our household. And I'll never forget our vows. And I hold firm to that, because one thing I told him I said you will be the foundation of our home. I wanted him to be that foundation. I knew in and of my vows that I wanted to do it, but I wasn't living by that. I was just not submissive. But when we created that safe space for each other, I realized I can give him my all.
Speaker 1:I can let him tell me what his thoughts are and incorporate it in my life. I can listen to him, I can take his advice and truly apply it to my life, life I can listen to him, I can take his advice and truly apply it to my life.
Speaker 3:So how about yourself, willie? What's something you?
Speaker 4:just are now finding out about yourself that you learned through marriage. I'm strong enough to handle the head of the household role. I didn't know that before and I think, as I'm sitting here thinking, even though I saw my dad do it, he was just so much of a more incredible man, I guess or a man's man than I was.
Speaker 1:Or that.
Speaker 3:I thought that I was. He didn't make it look effortless.
Speaker 4:He made it look easy and now that I've made my life about my family, it made me realize that, hey, I'm strong enough, I can hold all of them up on my shoulders and I take fatherhood, I take the husband role, I take it very, very seriously. I didn't know and I didn't think that I can share like that. You know, it's nothing that she asked me for now, that I wouldn't get Like my dad, which I've always aspired to be, and knowing that I can do it and they respect me, they give me the respect of the man of the house and the dad. So they know, when they come to talk to me, they know that, hey, first he's going to give me the advice that I need. They may not want to hear it and what I'm going to say, but I think that they value my input as being an influence in the house and you know I really like that.
Speaker 3:That's awesome, I really like that. Zola.
Speaker 2:Marriage has taught me patience.
Speaker 3:I kind of feel accused. I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep it together. I kind of feel like there's a big giant magnifying glass on me right now.
Speaker 2:No, just it really has. Because I'm a very short person, short intolerance, I should say and marriage has taught me, yeah, to be patient and the importance of compromise, because typically for me, no means no. I don't necessarily go out of my way to absorb other people's discomfort because your problem is your problem. I like my peace. So with marriage I can't think that way, especially when it comes to you know, comes to my partner that way, especially when it comes to you know, comes to my partner, when it comes to stuff, everything changes. You know, stuff gets a different side of me that the outside world doesn't get Right Right. So within our relationship, that those are the two things that marriage has really taught me. It's just patience and compromise, and it's not necessarily in a negative way. I mean, he, he is, he was making fun of you for being a nerd. He's still a nerd to this second right. So he's telling me shit that I'm like what the fuck am I supposed to do with that stuff?
Speaker 2:it's awesome information so again, who doesn't want to know how far the sun is? Nobody want to know what. How far the sun is, how far is the?
Speaker 4:sun.
Speaker 2:I don't give a.
Speaker 4:Exactly, I don't give a shit, I don't. I hope it stay, however far it is, cause it's hot, even that far Right.
Speaker 2:So again Patience.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So, you know, typically I'd shut a conversation Down like that. But this is my husband, I know, this is him, so of course I have to, you know, entertain it, I have to, you know. So, again, when I say patience, baby, I don't mean it in a negative way. I mean, yes, we have our ups and downs, but patience, you know, because where I would, you know, cut people short, I have that space for my husband and I, low key like it, you know, because that's a part of him that he's sharing with me. That I know. You know I wouldn't say factually that not everyone else gets to see. So I enjoy that quirky side of stuff. So, again, it's just patience and compromise. It doesn't have to be negative.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this was a great conversation.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Totally enjoyed it. Thank you for being here. I think this will help a lot of people. Does anyone have one piece of advice for people who are in a relationship looking to get married?
Speaker 1:up for you. You're married for the wrong reasons Because that person is going to grow, that person is going to evolve. It's your job to adjust your view of them. Who I married in 2008, I can't expect him to be that same man in 2025. For one that doesn't show growth at all and he wasn't ready for the things that we were going to face. So don't go into it saying, well, he used to do this for me, Now he doesn't Find out. Why?
Speaker 3:Communicate that for either side of the relationship and know that you need to adjust your viewpoint based off of it yeah, beautifully said earlier today my friend willie, you lost oh you know he lost the coin toss, so you get so willie your memphis accent you're gonna do with the memphis accent and you're gonna sound like gloria yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fish accent and you're gonna sound like Glorilla, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're not already following the show, then leave a five star. Woo-woo, what the fuck. It really helps us grow. If you find value in this episode, please share it with just one person.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, you sound like Roots. Thank you.
Speaker 4:Thank you so much, merch, for tuning in, and have a great weekend, great week.
Speaker 2:That was horrible, that's it.
Speaker 1:He said uh, Uh and said ugh, ugh, and we from Mississippi, we from Mississippi.
