Manhood Matters Podcast
Conversations around challenges dominating a man's journey through life. These topics are explored by real, everyday friends, with a lot of experience... And we have the occasional expert guest.
Manhood Matters Podcast
Step-Parenting Without a Playbook
"If you think parenting is hard, try being a step-parent. If you think separating from your kids is tough, just wait until someone else is raising them." This raw, unfiltered conversation tackles one of the most challenging aspects of modern relationships—navigating the complex world of blended families.
Our panel of fathers brings diverse perspectives to this emotional tightrope walk. We explore the fundamental questions that haunt many step-parents: Do you discipline your stepchild the same way you would your biological kid? What boundaries should exist? How do you earn respect without overstepping? And perhaps most painfully—what happens when your ex introduces a new parental figure into your child's life?
The discussion doesn't shy away from uncomfortable truths. We tackle the territorial instincts that arise when another man enters your child's life, the delicate balance between responsibility and authority, and the unwritten rules that develop in step-relationships. You'll hear candid admissions from Nick, our youngest panel member, about his struggle to accept the possibility of another man parenting his son, while more seasoned fathers offer wisdom gained through years of navigating these waters.
Beyond the challenges, we uncover the critical "boxes" that need checking before someone commits to a blended family situation—from proper timing and boundaries with exes to understanding your role in a child's development. Our panel shares personal stories that illustrate both success and failure in these relationships, providing listeners with practical insights for their own situations.
Whether you're currently a step-parent, considering entering a relationship with someone who has children, or facing the prospect of sharing parental responsibilities with your ex's new partner, this conversation offers valuable perspective on one of modern parenting's greatest challenges. Listen to discover how to protect both your peace and your children's well-being while navigating these complex family dynamics.
Email us at manhoodmatterspodcast@gmail.com
Follow us on all Socials: Manhood Matters Podcast
Host: StéphaneAlexandre
IG: @stephanealexandreofficial
Music by Liam Weisner
Sponsored by www.OnsiteLabs.net
(833) 878-3323
My parents were 40 years older than me, so it was straight roops. Anytime I got in trouble, bro, it was roots. Is that a fair?
Speaker 2:position to put him in, though what do you mean Like? Giving the student the responsibility and the authority of keeping a roof over their heads and make sure they got food and everything every night, but saying they're not allowed to wolf them.
Speaker 1:Well, first of all, that's not his responsibility, that's mine. My kids can always come stay with me. There's going to be a roof over their head regardless. So it's not that he's needed in that sense, and I would basically let him know hey, I don't put my hands on my kids. So there it comes down to an instance where you need to discipline him If you think parenting is hard, try being a step-parent.
Speaker 3:If you think parenting is hard, try being a step-parent. If you think separating from your kids is tough, just wait until someone else is raising them. Point is, these situations are never easy and none of us came in this world equipped with the intellectual capacity, mental fortitude and enlightenment that it takes to deal with a blended family. Do you discipline your stepchild the way you would your biological kid? Do you tiptoe around certain issues because you feel that you'll be sidelined anyway and your voice wouldn't hold much weight? Does your partner even understand how hard you're trying? In today's conversation, we dive into all that. I'm your host, Stefan. Joining me today are two wise and experienced gentlemen, Jermon Elder and LaDre Gilbert. And, of course, this conversation will be lackluster if not for the curiosity and brilliance of young single parent, Nick Pierre. Welcome to Manhood Matters. Let's get to it. Let's get to it. I'm glad you guys are here, man. So, returning to the show, we have Nick. What's up? Nick, what's going on? Yeah, man, Mr Barry White, what's going on? G? Glad you have your back, brother.
Speaker 2:I'm glad to be back. I really appreciate you having me.
Speaker 3:Yes, man. Thank you for being here, man, and we got Dre from the Barbershop episode who's back here today?
Speaker 1:Yes sir, yes sir, Glad to be back, man. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 3:Of course, brother. So this conversation is going to be about being a step-parent. There's going to be two sides having to navigate through that. If that's your situation, or how would you handle it. But the other side of it what I want to talk to you guys about is possibly having your child being the stepchild to someone else, so that has its own challenges as well. What's your situation right now, Dre?
Speaker 1:So I'm divorced, but I had an opportunity to be a step-parent in an actual marriage. I've definitely dated women with kids, so it's kind of like, but it's a different level when you're actually married, sure, and so I think that, um, first and foremost, as you develop that relationship with that child, it definitely emanates from the love that you have for his mother.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then so you take the time and people say, you know like, hey, you know you have to treat this child the way that you treat your own child, or love that child in the same way. And I think that as humans, you know that's a process, but it's a process that you have to be willing to, you know, embark upon. And you know I was and I was willing to embark upon that. And so my kids live in Florida and I got married up here in Atlanta.
Speaker 1:I was like man, I kind of feel guilty because, like, I'm like spending playing video games with this kid, this guy, and, uh, you know, we're, you know, going like he wants pizza and pizza. The pizza he wants is like three miles away, you know, in Atlanta. Three miles, I mean, that's like an hour and a half, right. So but I really tried to give him the same energy I would give to my kids. Yeah, you know like it was challenging, you know, but I definitely can see myself like if, if that situation arose again, like when I get married, you know, but I definitely can see myself like if that situation arose again, like when I get married, you know, for the final time, if she already has kids. I definitely know how to position myself and be able to, you know, be that step parent yeah, so for me I don't like the phrase.
Speaker 3:And stepchildren. When people ask me how many kids you have, I just tell them the number of kids that I have and sometimes you got the reaction from my other brothers like I'll be like I got six.
Speaker 4:I got six kids, like damn you know this is a lot of kids.
Speaker 3:And if the conversation continues, depending on how comfortable we are with each other, then I'll say well, you know, I have four kids that are my biological children through two marriages, and then I have two kids from my wife, who had children because she was married before we got together. I even hate saying the word stepchildren because I never want to be the stepdad if that makes sense, but technically that's my situation and I think there's a lot of challenges and that's why a lot of men say they won't date a woman with children and vice versa. So, going right into it, what's different from the way you treat your biological children versus the way you treat your stepchildren in a relationship where you were married before?
Speaker 1:So I mean, I think it's just like for me there's certain demands up front with my kids. You know like yes, sir, no sir, please, thank you, language, stuff like that. You know like how my dad raised me. Like you're not going to lay around if you didn't work overnight. You're not, you're going to be out of the bed before eight, nine o'clock. You know like you're not going to just lay around all day. And so the challenge has been having that balance, because I feel like if I'm going to be a bonus parent, I have to still bring a level of value to being a bonus parent, right, and so a part of that is I have to be able to impart something on you. And so it was a young man that was my stepson, and so I felt like it was my job to take him from where he was, because his dad wasn't in his life. It was my job.
Speaker 3:You're a full-time dad, at that point, right, right, right, and you're the dad.
Speaker 1:I'm the dad. And how old was he? He was 13. Okay, but and also another thing is again, it's an eight that my kids, they love me. I'm daddy, daddy, dad or whatever. You know. I'm never LeDray on any circumstances, unless you know they're. I asked them what my name is, stuff like that. But when it comes to the step or bonus child, kind of have to like let them ease into that, what, what would you like to call me? You call me Mr Gilbert, you can call me Mr Dre, you can call me Mr LeDray it's so awkward yeah, never, never, ledray right now.
Speaker 1:We're going to have that, at least that respect, but it's going to be Mr LeDray. It's so awkward yeah, never, never, ledray, right, we're going to have that, at least that respect, but it's going to be Mr Something. I'm going to take my time to get to know you and make you comfortable so that you allow me to be in your life the way that you cause. You know you already have a dad. We're going to develop a unique relationship that you're comfortable with at your pace, and if I had not been a mentor, I wouldn't have even known how to even develop that type of relationship with a bonus child.
Speaker 3:Right. Even when it comes to something as simple as whether they call you, it's weird and, at the same token, you haven't. Yeah, you're marrying mom, everything's good. You love mom. You automatically feel a certain way about them. You have to be there and not in their lives, and you know that you're going to step into that role. But are you quite dad yet? Did they call you that early on?
Speaker 2:I was raised with my stepfather. My biological father was out in vegas. I almost never saw him. I I didn't see him for 15 years, 17 years, something like that. So I was raised primarily by my stepfather. How old, um, I was young. I was seven, six somewhere in that area.
Speaker 3:You came in early, yeah, but it was weird calling him dad or father.
Speaker 2:I would call him pops. I ended up calling him pops.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I agree, it is strange calling him dad or father, because it's not. I would call him pops, but he's the guy that taught me to play basketball. He's the one that taught me how to talk to girls. He All the stuff a father's supposed to tell you. He's the guy that did it. So, as far as I'm concerned, he is my father. When it's time to retire, when it's time to, he needs a place to stay. He needs old folks home or whatever. I'm going to be the one that's going to take care of him and be there for my stepfather Because technically, he's my father. He's the one who's taught me everything. I love him just like a father. I agree with you, it is strange calling him dad Because, like I said, even though he is my dad.
Speaker 2:He's always done that stuff.
Speaker 3:And at the time again, you're already seven you knew enough. You have enough of your own agency at that point to recognize what was what, and you knew that he wasn't your dad. He came into your life but then he became your dad, no-transcript. And now, in my current marriage, my oldest stepdaughter she calls me pop. For her it was innate. She's very smart. I came into her life when she was 18 years old. It's strange for her to call me anything different, but my son calls me Steph, like his mother calls me Steph. It's one of those things.
Speaker 3:But I did not impose that law. We never really had the conversation. It was just like it's what developed. And I gotta tell you, man, honestly, there's like I've always felt a certain way about it. But I'm being completely vulnerable here.
Speaker 3:I kind of feel like it's one of those things where it's been three years have I earned those stripes yet? But then, even when you do earn those stripes, even when you get to that point where and I feel like I have but even then how do you change something that's just been that he's so accustomed to? It's not disrespectful. He treats me like again his dad is, he's around, he's there, but he's not really involved for all instances and purposes. I'm dead Now. It would be weird, weird, oh. I don't know how to transition from that. What's been done, what's been laid out, you know and, by the way, it was one of those situations to him, me and his mom we got together and we were married within nine months. There wasn't a whole lot of transitioning, there wasn't a lot of getting used to me, it was just like boom met him three months later, me and mama engaged.
Speaker 2:Six months later we're married does he want to change that or do you want to change that? Is that like a great question, ego thing for you, like I want him to call me dad because I'm doing all the dad stuff, or is it something that he desires to do? He wants to call you steph because he sees you as as steph, or do you want him to see you as a dad? And that's why you want that title?
Speaker 3:the latter, if I'm being super honest, okay, kind of feel like I've earned it and I feel like, no matter what happens, right, no matter what he calls me, I'm going to continue to earn that. So was forcing that transition necessary? I don't know. I don't know that it is. I remember one time, for instance, I had to go to his school. There was a teacher there and she asked him she goes, is that your dad? And he goes yeah, that's my stepdad. He didn't say it with any kind of malice, he's a very super literal matter of fact kid.
Speaker 3:But you felt something. Uh, it hurt me, yeah, you know, and I was like fuck, I hated that. Right, you know, and I just want dad, like, that distinction makes no difference to the teacher in that moment. She doesn't care about whether or not you know it's a biological, she just needs to know are you? The parent? Really is all she wants to know. But he was answering the question literally and, again, he didn't mean anything by it. But that's what I, that's what I felt in that moment, and this was still early on in the relationship. This is like a year in. Do those breakups?
Speaker 2:hurt in terms of, like I'm separating from the mom, I'm no longer responsible for you and your mom. You're now going to be out of my life. Like you not only lose the woman, but you're going to lose the child as well when y'all separate it's devastating man.
Speaker 3:Um, it is because you're losing a child. That, and now again, it depends on how long the child was in your life but even then you don't have any legal no, of course not no, no, there's no legal in your life right.
Speaker 3:So it depends on how long the kid was in your life. It depends depends on how old the kid is at that point. Let's say you come into a situation right, the kid is five, six, seven years old like your situation with your dad. 15 years later, mom and dad not together anymore. They go their separate ways. You have a relationship that was forged for a long time. You decide to keep that relationship. But if at 20 something years old you decide, nah, I don't want to keep that relationship, it's a choice. I'm sure he's going to break his heart, but it's a choice that you have and he's not going to force that on you. So to me I look at it like the kid's own agency. At that point do they make that decision to say, yeah, you're not with my mom anymore? So I'm going to like fall back a little bit. I haven't been so ingrained in those children's lives that much, but it will still hurt if I weren't in their lives anymore.
Speaker 2:Another scenario you said five, seven years old, somewhere in that area, and you're with this lady for five years. Child's now 10. They don't necessarily have their own agency. They're still dependent on their mother for life. At that point you're erased from their life.
Speaker 3:That relationship hurts, hurts, yeah it hurts, like you can still maintain it when they're 20, 19, 18, sure but and then you ask I now I didn't then, you know, a couple decades ago, whatever. But I now have the maturity, like this were to happen, where I recognize that I can just speak to my ex and say, hey, I very much would like to be in his life, I'd like to continue our relationship, like you and I, we have nothing going on. But I think that the kind of women that I'm used to dealing with, they would see that and not turn that away. This is me just being an extra mentor and extra support for their kids. So in that sense I don't think that would be turned away.
Speaker 3:But then again sense, I don't think that would be turned away. But then again, I don't know, because my wife is almost like she's also, she's also kind of person. She's like if I'm done with you, I'm done with you, so yeah, but. But I don't know that. I guess I'd have to ask her. I don't know that if we were to like part ways, I don't know that she would say don't talk to my kids. I think she would be like it's up to them.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna facilitate it if she moved on to another relationship, would she be interested in maintaining?
Speaker 3:probably not that relationship, probably not. But she can't move to another relationship. If I'm, if I'm gone, she's done would.
Speaker 2:Would she would you recommend for young men to be willing to be stepfathers like you? You?
Speaker 1:got some maturity.
Speaker 2:You got some seasoning on you right, you can probably handle it yeah would you say nick, go be a stepdad man, that's so.
Speaker 3:Wait, let's think through this right. It's a very, very tough thing to do, right? So it depends on what they have it depends on is everything else? Is all of the other boxes? Are they checked? And then, to me, that's, that's when we can address the whole. Can you walk into somebody else's life and decide to step into those shoes? What is that relationship with her ex? Is he involved? Is he not involved? I find that, as a man, it's a lot easier for me when he's not that involved. Right, when you first enter a relationship, as as a man, you like I need that dude out of here. But then when you think through it and you think about the children themselves, just like, um, if it helps them, then you're thinking, if you put them first, then you don't think like that anymore. So, to answer your question, would I recommend it? I don't know that I could. Everything else would have to be shut because this is such a hard, hard thing to do. How you discipline is totally different.
Speaker 2:Do you think that's right, though it's? Not the way I'm going to discipline my kids and how I'm going to discipline someone else's kids. I understand that that's going to be different, yeah, but should it be? It shouldn't be, because they're all your responsibility.
Speaker 3:But there's something subconscious about that, I know there's. Sometimes when you're in a relationship, the woman will say no, no, you don't touch my kid, you don't say this, you don't say that I discipline him, you don't whatever. It's not him. He's never made me feel that type of way. Where you're not my dad, you don't get to do this. That's not what it is.
Speaker 3:But there's always been you know my own restrictions that were self-imposed. My wife needed to trust me, even though we've kind of fast forwarded through this relationship and we've been together only three years and we got married pretty, pretty quickly. But there was a lot of conversations was a lot of conversations and one of the first questions she asked me how was your relationship with your children? That was her measuring stick. Because if I was like, well, I don't really fuck with him, you know I don't talk to him that much blah, blah or whatever it is, well, my kids hate me or my son's eye, but my girls, man, you know, whatever, no let me tell you, man um, have you ever been a step-parent before?
Speaker 3:no, he's like 12. How old are, are you?
Speaker 1:Nick 27. So, man, let me tell you, in the words of the great Andre 3000, he said don't do it, reconsider, read some literature on the subject. You sure Fuck it. But yeah, man, like, if you can avoid that, as a 43-year-old man that's going through that, I would tell you to avoid it. But at the same time, stefan makes a fantastic point. I know some gentlemen that are in their seventies, eighties, that they came into their wives' lives and they had two kids, three kids, and that man has, you know, he, that's, the pride of his life is the fact he was able to raise those children. So it's like, obviously, that woman that he married, she checked off all the boxes. So I mean, like I I was saying, don't take on that responsibility if you you feel like you're, you're still lacking something in the relationship or you're not getting what you need out of the relationship, because that that's going to be a lot.
Speaker 3:Hell, he's got to check boxes. She's got to check boxes too, but he's got to check the boxes Because, again, if you're going to walk into someone's life who has a child or two, right, and you're going to become stepdad, it's with their lives that she's trusting you with.
Speaker 1:But stepdad I think that's what I'm saying Like the fact that he has to check boxes, it's like added pressure.
Speaker 2:Exactly. You know what I'm saying. Women don't want to be with you unless you check boxes. Yeah, women won't even get with you in the first place unless you check off.
Speaker 1:We have enough boxes, we have to check right innately, but like when it comes down to kids, like the fact that you have to check boxes as it relates to the kids, that's just like added pressure that you don't have to deal with.
Speaker 2:you know so just a thought you might as well just not do it at all what I would say about that is it's not that you shouldn't do it at all, it's that you shouldn't correct somebody's mistake. If, if, if there's a woman and her she has four baby fathers yeah, five kids all of them are in jail. You shouldn't correct those mistakes and try and everybody agrees.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I think she would agree. She's a bad mom.
Speaker 2:There's a limit. She's messy and dirty and she just needs somebody to come in and pay the bills so she can continue being messy and dirty. You shouldn't correct her mistakes, you know. But if you have somebody, she's a good woman. Her, her husband, was in the military. He died in Iraq. The kids are good. You know she's responsible.
Speaker 4:You could step into those type of situations and add to it but if she's a decent woman, she just keep getting pregnant by the wrong dude nah, there's no such thing wait a minute, man.
Speaker 1:What happened? All the checking the boxes?
Speaker 3:no, that's what I'm saying, like no, like you can't keep getting pregnant by the wrong man there's something about you that's attracting that. The problem is you, like you said, Don't fix somebody else's mistakes right. Well, you have to work on yourself, figure that out. I'm not supposed to be walking into that situation to fix any of that.
Speaker 2:The ideal thing is to start your own family from scratch.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir.
Speaker 2:But chances are you're going to run into one or two. That's a good girl, but she's going to have a child.
Speaker 3:And then you look at how she raises her own kids, because I would look at that. How do you raise your own kids, with or without me, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so so I have a question, right, this is for all all you guys. So what if she's already in a relationship?
Speaker 3:What do you mean?
Speaker 1:So what if? Cause I'm not there? No, just say a son and that is her man. I know y'all running the situation where her son is her man and you are literally competing with this guy I'm not.
Speaker 3:No, that's so to me that's. That's an easy. That's an easy answer too.
Speaker 1:That's a super easy yeah, but I'm saying like, like the boxes, we're talking about check boxes. Right, she checks all these boxes she should check that one. That's's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3:That's the biggest box that you need to check. So, if I can understand, that is your son. That is not your husband. I'm your husband. I get to take that place. I get to be that person. I get to be the number one and I understand that he's your baby boy. I understand there's no higher love, but in the hierarchy of things, I get to be the man of the house. I get to be that person. I get to step into his life and serve him as well as I serve you. So many things are wrong with that, but I regret this. I regret it to this day, but I was that way for my mom. When my mom and dad divorced, she had opportunities to date other men and I stood firm on nope, nope nope.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I stood in the way of everything, but I will tell you back then that my sport little self was that dude that if a man came into a life that I would probably give them a super hard time.
Speaker 1:And that's not cute either, man no there's nothing like like and even for like little girls, bro, like like I was dating this lady, her kids were like mad, disrespectful. And the reason I say is because I like, I couldn't imagine, like I know, if my kids saw me with another woman. They may or may not feel like that's not their mom. They may have their feelings, but they know they're going to be respectful. They may not say anything or give them that welcoming vibe, but they're not going to say anything.
Speaker 1:These little girls was like being real nasty and real ugly. So as I talked to mom, mom was like you know, that was a product of their broken relationship with their father and stuff like that. But I got to a point where we had to have a talk. I'm like listen, you know she expected me to like get down on their level. I'm not dealing with that. Like you have to at some point. If you're going to date, you need to have a conversation with your kids. You need to let them know and like understand you got to be, you'll be respectful, because otherwise you know you end up by yourself.
Speaker 3:Cats and dogs Again, I keep bringing up my wife, but that's one of those. She had a lot of boxes and they were all tracked. One of them was she was married. She had two kids with a husband. Didn't work out. She was single for about 10 years and when she was ready to date she talked to her children Before anything got too serious. It was like she would talk to her kids and they would know what's going on. They knew before they met me. That's why I felt also really comfortable that when I was going to marry mom, that I actually went to them first before I even proposed and I said hey, this is a conversation I want to have with you guys, you know. So that's a relationship we had established very early on.
Speaker 1:You know, from the people that I've interacted with through college, you know, law school and just in general in life man, it seems like you know, in Caribbean culture, like it's that's, that's more of a like. You guys have that hard stop. You know, as someone from the country man, it's been a little bit, a little bit more difficult for me in that sense of being able to have that hard stop and and and. Maybe it's like over time and maturity, you know and learn how to deal. You know, become more emotionally intelligent, have had to learn how to like. You know what I'm okay.
Speaker 3:Setting that hard boundary. I don't think it's cultural, I think it's more generational.
Speaker 2:Children turn out better when they're with a father, 100% when they're with a father, they just turn out better. For women to say they don't need a man, especially raising children, you're going to raise feminine boys, wild girls. You're going to contribute to the degeneracy of society. So, you need a man in there to give you that stable grounding.
Speaker 4:I think the ones who say that they just don't understand what the role a man plays, probably because they didn't have a dad or they've always been raised saying you don't need a man for this, you don't need a man for that.
Speaker 2:They see the money and the provisioning but they don't see all the other stuff.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of that man is just defense mechanism. You didn't have a man around so you don't want to take the time to learn what it means to have a man around, not only just in the actual operative sense but in the essence of having a man around and what that means.
Speaker 3:Also, to be totally fair, they haven't had, like you just said, they haven't had the examples. They haven't had a good man around, whether it's in the father figure, whether it's the uncle or whatever it may be. So if all they're seeing is a bunch of bomb dudes and losers, right, or guys who are absent in the sense that they exist, they know who they are, but they're not stepping up to the plate and not really handling their own responsibilities, then it's easier for them to say rather than me having one of these deals, because all I know of men is these examples so no, I don't need a man. And the reality is the great man do exist. So what is it about you now that's going to attract that type of a man? You don't qualify for them. So it's not that they are not out there, but you qualify for a real man.
Speaker 1:And man, you don't qualify for them. So it's not that they are not out there, but you qualify for a real man. And if you have a son or you have children and you're taking care of your children and you're well, she's, she's taking care of children, she's doing all the things, there still needs to be a man present. You know, it helps build the young lady's self-esteem. The young man it's just like you know, like I remember one time my dad I was in the house man and he came in and I don't know what I did. My dad came up behind me say, hey, you're walking different. Now, if you don't straighten it up, I'm going to knock you back out that door where you walked in.
Speaker 1:And I'm, for the life of me, trying to figure out, like what, what changed in my walk? Like what did I do? Right, it's like around 12 or 13. And he was just like it was my mom. I was like what's he talking about? She's like I don't know, boy, but you better figure it out. Like you better get something. So it was like little stuff, like that. And he and I joked about it. You know, up until you know he passed away. What did he mean?
Speaker 1:So what happens is I know this now it's like a rites of passage when you get to a certain age, man, your dad is going to be timid. You know he wants you to be resolute, so he's going to continue, he's going to challenge you in ways it's like WWE. My dad called me to the mat and I didn't know what was going on, right, because my dad was a big, strong guy and so over time, you know, when I had his battles, he really was trying to get me to kind of come at him in a sense. But he wanted to see like he's pushing me, to see if I was going to, how I was going to respond. And then later, when we had we got older, like I had kids and stuff like that, he was telling me he's like you know, son, you know you, you know you're a hothead man, you know, I mean the first time I got my first gun.
Speaker 1:He's like, yeah, son, I always pray that you never got a gun because I know that. You know you were hot. And I'm thinking myself like now he he's observed that about me, but he kept you know he was, he was kept kind of pushing me. But that's just kind of like the maturation process, of stepping into manhood. It's those small, subtle, intangible things that a man brings to the table, whether it be for a young boy or for a young girl, and help them to be able to develop. And you can definitely tell that a man's been there when they have gotten their presence and had the opportunity to operate like that, yeah, I'm going to tell you this about my son.
Speaker 2:My son's mother will let him give up if it gets hard, if it gets tough. I won't let him give up, just like you were saying with, like, carrying grocery bags and things like that. She'll end up taking the bag from him, just walking in and saying, okay, well, come to the kitchen. I'll tell my son no boy, carry these groceries, get them up there. If I know he can handle it, I'm going to make him handle it, even though he's young. And that's the difference. Women will let you give up, especially with boys. They'll baby them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, we do the same thing with girls, they do the same thing with their boys. I know for sure that my ex with my son she's the same way. But yeah, have you ever been sidelined in a situation where, as a co-parent, there was anything that needed to be handled, whether it was a decision to be made or something that needed to be handled on behalf of the child, whether it was school or some kind of disciplinary action where you would just like checked and kind of put in your place?
Speaker 1:Absolutely so my stepson would go to spend time with his, her family during the breaks. I remember one time we were actually on a trip together she asked me she wanted to stay an extra day. I mean it's more money. I mean I'm ready to go home now, I'm ready to get back in my bed. But I made the arrangements and then the next day she woke up like oh, I need to go get my son. But you said that you wanted to stay. No, I need to go get my son right now. And I was like I'm sure he'll be okay another day. Like, as I'm looking at my wallet at this point, like hey, man, like I spent a little bit of money for us to stay. She was like no, what she told me was he was ready to come home. Like right, then, okay.
Speaker 3:So it's not like he was in danger or anything, no, he wasn't, but it was like, hey, I'm ready to leave now.
Speaker 1:Me personally, I mean, he's with his family, I feel like he'll be okay, he's fine. Yeah, 24 more hours, sure, but that's when I learned very early on in our marriage, when he called, she would drop everything. Marriage. When he called, she would drop everything, which is another thing I want to talk about. I don't know how we're going to fit that in, but she dropped everything. But like in the biblical sense, right. So the bible says when a man and woman become married, they leave their parents and they cleanly become one flesh. Hierarchy is God, your spouse and then your children come afterwards.
Speaker 1:But when you start talking about step, well, step or bonus children, right, does it immediately become that way? Is that something that happens over time? Is that something that never even happened? Because, for example, I say I was home with her and I was talking to her you know her uncle, who was like her dad, and I said, hey, you know I'm going to love her in the way the Bible says. I'm supposed to love her Like I'm going to forsake all others. I'm going to put her like. You know, god heard my children. He's like you're a damn fool If you do, you better love your children. You don't put no damn woman over your children. Your children come first. And the hell with that and this is he's talking about his niece like the hell with that woman and you. And so that that kind of like threw me off because I was like wow, I was like okay, I've heard people say that since then.
Speaker 3:So why it used to be that way Probably one of the reasons that second marriage didn't work and it's because it's a choice I made, because that's just the way I thought about it, that's the way it should be. So to me, this is not a biblical thing at all. It's just the way that there's certain things that you just develop on your own, or you tend to develop your own philosophies. It's just what feels right. So for me, what feels right and what feels totally natural and I would never change this now is my wife definitely comes first, and the reason that is you have to have a different relationship. So with my children, each relationship is different. I just have different experiences.
Speaker 3:But one thing that I know for 100% certain is that the choice that I made and the choice that my wife made for us to be together, that was a choice right. I didn't birth her, she didn't birth me. We made a choice to be together. We made a commitment If there's someone that I expect to be by my side and we talked about this in several episodes where if you can't do for yourself what that person do for you, it's my wife, as I will do for her. So I have to put a first, because I expect, in the natural order of things, that my children will leave me. Not in the sense I don't see me, but they are moving on, they're going to go have their own families.
Speaker 3:I expect fully for my daughter to have a husband and say, hey, as much as I love my daddy, I'm all about my daddy, but he's got to come first and that makes sense to me.
Speaker 1:I wish Madison would.
Speaker 3:Go ahead. But see, to me that makes sense. And I'm not saying in the sense that we're changing subject a little bit here, but say, for instance, there is something where I'm just like I need my daughter to do this and her husband's like no, do that, guys. I mean we could open that box if you want to, but you need to do what your husband said. That's right. I'll step in when it is an abusive relationship, like she needs to blank twice now. Okay, we're gonna make him. We got 23 acres. I got plenty of places to bury them.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir Right.
Speaker 2:So, that's a different story, that hierarchy that you're talking about biblically. That's why that exists, because, exactly what you said, your children are going to leave you, they're going to go on, they're going to start their own lives. In the end, it's going to be you and your wife. Correct, you started with you and your wife. So your wife or your spouse is supposed to be the next person after God? A lot of women don't understand that, and they do want to put their children there.
Speaker 3:Yeah Right, switching gears. We all have children. This is inevitable. Your ex is going to end up being with someone else, if she's not already. How do you navigate through that, knowing that there's going to be another person is's going to step in and parent your child.
Speaker 4:That's a tough one. I'm not going to lie, I don't mind. I know she can't be alone forever, so I don't mind her being with somebody, but someone else, like stepping in and being around my son, like living with him and all that. I don't think I'm ready to accept that. Yet that's going to be the hardest thing for me, knowing that. That's going to be the hardest thing for me, knowing that there's going to be another person there, probably just trying to have talks with them or just try to do anything that I should be doing. I'm going to have a tough time with that. Just keeping it a buck with you, you will. There's nothing you can do. There's nothing, yeah. So that's why I'd like like I'd be accepting, like I didn't marry her. It's still tough. I think it's a pride thing or something, I don't know.
Speaker 3:It's pride. There's an emotional tightrope there. But, yeah, there's so many things to be concerned about. There's a million things, and they're not just hypotheticals. Number one is that child safe? Because, let me tell you, people can mask a lot, and so if my ex decides she's going to be with someone, I have a nine-year-old little girl. So that's really scary to me. So I have to think about that. Not a damn thing I can do about it. So I have to trust that this person that I was with at one point is that person putting the child first at every turn, or are they putting their needs first?
Speaker 3:In that sense, we just talked about us being step-parents, step-dads and coming in to discipline a child. Earlier in the show I said, I got to come in thinking that there are certain things that I just don't even think about doing. When it comes to my stepson, I love him the same, but I have to have these restrictions. I have to think about that and go. Let me slow myself down. But when I know that there is another father involved, I take a beat, I take an extra five seconds and I rethink my actions.
Speaker 2:The problem with being a stepdad to me is, for one thing you could lose the kids, but another thing is you have the responsibility of taking care of these children, providing for them, keeping a roof over their head and make sure that they're safe and cared for Right. So you have the responsibility, but not all the time do you have the authority to guide them in the way that you're supposed to right. So responsibility without authority, that's a problem for me. That is slavery to me. Giving somebody else the authority over my children is a hard thing. Most men, I don't think, want to do that. You know, because we understand it may or may not be the way we would do it. I would be a hypocrite to say that I want the authority to deal with somebody else's children, but no one can have the authority to do it Right. I would be okay with somebody else disciplining my son, but I would feel some type of way about it.
Speaker 3:Obviously it would matter what style of discipline they impose, right we're not talking about.
Speaker 2:I would want it to be as close to what I would do as possible. Right, pose, right, we're not talking about I would want it to be as close to what I would do as possible. Right, if I would have popped him and give him a good talking to, then I would expect him to get popped and get a good talking to. But if he's, you know, locked in a room and has bleach poured over him or something like that, then, yeah, I would have a problem with that.
Speaker 3:Then we got 23 acres of barryman yeah yeah, so. So, nick, so he just said it like right if he'd be okay with doing it. Are you okay with the stepdad doing it?
Speaker 4:no, not yet I'm not there yet.
Speaker 3:No, no, he nah he can't do it.
Speaker 4:I'm not there yet. Probably like I might change my mind when I get older and when he get older, but right now I can't do it.
Speaker 2:You know what happens to lions when they take over a pride so they gotta do.
Speaker 3:They kill all the offspring. They kill all the offspring.
Speaker 2:That's actually a common thing in mammals. When a male takes over another group and he kills all the other children and then makes with the females and makes his own children. In humans, the way it manifests is a stepdad will come in and they'll actually abuse the children, so they'll beat them, they'll molest them, things like that. It manifests in those ways Immediately that's where your mind goes to that my children are going to be abused because they're not his children.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Right, absolutely. So. If we go back to the previous side of the conversation, watching my steps, watching my mouth acting a certain way? Because, again, I don't want him to feel you're not my dad, that's why you act that way.
Speaker 2:Let me ask y'all this In order to step into the situation where you want to be step parents, where you want to mentor and guide children. What are some of these boxes that need to be checked off in terms of, like, what the mom's coming in with?
Speaker 3:Dre, if you want to go, but I've got a couple for sure.
Speaker 1:Because I've got a couple for sure, because I've heard you say this time and time again about checking the boxes. So I actually want to hear from you and learn from you, like how you evaluate it.
Speaker 3:So it goes back to what I talked about before, when I said there has to be a perfect balance of her desire to have you in her life and her need to be in her life, meaning I need to come in and see how she interacts with these kids. Are these kids rambunctious? Are they running wild? Are they educated? Are they cultured? Are they well-mannered? When I met them, they're not rude, they're respectful. They do what they're supposed to do.
Speaker 3:You can ask for a better situation. She didn't need me to come correct. Some little wild banshees running around, so that was one of the boxes. Are you able to raise them on your own? Are you doing a good job to where what you need now is a male presence? Secondly, even financially, you're able to take care of yourself, take care of your family, take care of your household, take care of your children. You didn't need me. It wasn't like, hey, they were living in the dark and I showed up and chased all the roaches away and paid the bill. Finally, that's not what happened. Her house is a lot nicer than mine and bigger than mine, right, you're?
Speaker 3:doing right I came in, it was just like okay, everything was already there. One of the boxes is what's your relationship like with the ex? Is it something? I'm gonna feel that boundaries are being crossed? There was nothing toxic already ever talked. There's no relationship that's continuing, but they're also not each other's throat when they talk is something as simple as like whatever it is that he needs, but but it's a simple civil conversation.
Speaker 2:Were the exes ever like a concern for you Cause, statistically, when women leave their husbands, they usually go back to an ex like a their children's father or an ex boyfriend or something like that. Have exes ever been a concern for you in terms of?
Speaker 3:No, no Cause I.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't know, Maybe I'm a little full of myself, but I never worry about you, that guy you know.
Speaker 3:No, that's not a, that's not a real concern. Um, but again, was it fresh? Was there a a wound with a scab on it that can still get picked at? No, I mean, her shit had been done and over with for almost 10 years before I even showed up, so I wasn't worried about that, and my previous relationship is the same thing she had been over and done with.
Speaker 1:Gee, what he's telling you without saying it is. There's a statute of limitations on the ex. The ex has had to be out of the picture for about a year and I never actually thought about it.
Speaker 3:But you're right, it kind of worked out that way. But I think that to me, even if it had, it had been like, oh, it's only been a year. But I don't look at the time so much, I look at what is that dynamic, what is that relationship like? If you need to show a little cry on, are you calling? Oh, I can get you on the phone. But hey, we're still buddies, so I get to call him and cry about this or whatever, and he'll listen because he's still a friend. I never had to worry about that and if I did a red flag for you.
Speaker 2:Fuck yeah, I would have been aware I would have been gone, you're right, you still talk to your ex, you still cordial with them.
Speaker 3:We can't, we can't do this okay no, look, I want you to be cordial with him, especially the children involved, because if there's a situation, something happens to my son, we we're in a hospital I would expect the other dude to be there. He's going to show up. I would expect that we don't need to be fighting in the waiting room. There's a bigger picture. There's a bigger thing we need to be concerned about. That's my thing. He's going to go into doing something wonderful graduating college, winning an award, being recognized for something big. You want everyone to be there. That's the extent of it. I don't need to tell you what to do. In that sense, if you haven't figured it out yet, then you're not ready to be in a relationship, at least not with me.
Speaker 4:Right, but if he's like a funny guy, he makes her laugh and you know everything's best friends, then they're going to end up back together, man, because that's exactly how that works.
Speaker 3:I'm funny Women.
Speaker 1:I'm funny too, I know how that works. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, I've made a lot of jokes. They cannot be friends.
Speaker 1:But, nick, I wanted to say something to you man, but I have like a three prong approach Right that I initiate when it comes down to trying to make sure that that the gentleman that comes into my kid's life because my ex has moved on that we kind of kind of follow Right. The first thing is I've been blessed in the sense of the mother of my children. She's a very sound mind, level-headed, I would just say, by her nature, a cautious person, right. So I know that if there's a man that's being brought around our children, then I can trust that she is making a decision based on, you know, like she has vetted this guy Biggest blessing in the world.
Speaker 3:Keep going Just right there. That is right. There is the biggest blessing that I can trust you that you will do what's right by them.
Speaker 1:Right, go ahead, and then I know that she's going to when that time comes, she's going to keep me fully aware. Hey, I've got a relationship that's progressed to this point. That's my first approach is the open, the communication and understanding about that. The second thing about it is is that now, as a dad not saying that I was lax before, but I got to make sure I'm really present now because I want my kids to understand that Like and I want him to understand that this is what ego comes in Like, bro, I know what you're saying. Now listen. Now you know my ex and I are not together, so I understand why you're here, but you're not needed. You know, because dad is here. You know, like he's not here in the sense of the boyfriend or the husband or that anymore, but dad is here. I'm here for my kids. My kids know that. And the third thing is we would definitely have to have a conversation about level of expectation and I'd ask him. You know, I'd come out and ask him. I'd say, you know, hey, how do you discipline kids or what do you think about that?
Speaker 1:It's not just someone else's kids, because I have friends and frat brothers, like one of my frat brothers was telling me man, he's married to this lady and her ex is not here. I mean he's not. I mean his ex is not around. So he puts his hands on this kid and he doesn't have kids. I mean he fights this like, beats this kid and he brags about yeah, I had to kick his ass, I had to be, I had to put a foot in his ass. I'm like the fuck, like, bro, that's, that's not, that's somebody else's child. Bro, you're somebody else's kid.
Speaker 1:And I had another friend of mine, man, uh, uh, one of my homeboys from from fam man back in undergrad, he doesn't have any kids but he tells me all the time man, I had to go upside a little boy head. Man, he got to understand you know what was going on. And I'm thinking to myself like I have kids and I don't operate like that. So I would definitely want to have a conversation with this guy about my expectations of like, look, bro, I don't put my hands on my kids right, I try to avoid at all costs. I've only spanked my daughter twice, only spanked my son twice, and it broke my heart to do it, Not because I don't want to discipline them, it's because of me personally when I was growing up. That's all my parents knew. My parents were 40 years older than me, so it was straight roots Anytime I got in trouble, it was straight roots.
Speaker 1:It was roots. Is that a?
Speaker 2:fair position to put them in, though. What do you mean? Like giving the other guy, the, the responsibility and the authority of keeping a roof over their heads and make sure they got food and everything?
Speaker 1:every night, but saying then they're not allowed to whoop them. Uh well, first of all, he he's, that's not his responsibility, that's mine. My kids can always come, stay with me. There's there's going to be a roof over their head regardless, so it's not that he's needed in that sense, and I will basically basically let him know like, hey, you know, like I don't put my hands on my kids. So you know, if there comes down to an instance where you need to discipline them, like I said, dad is active, dad is here Now. Now listen, if they're being disrespectful to their mom, if they look like they're about to bow up at you or bow up at mom, do you do what a man does. But when it comes down to if their room's not clean or if they say something, or you know, miss Curfew, don't do chores. No, bro, you keep your hands to yourself, take a cell phone, but you, putting your hands on my kids is going to cause a problem.
Speaker 3:This is where you guys kind of disagree, but again you're coming from a hypothetical situation because you don't know it.
Speaker 2:What would you allow somebody to do for your children?
Speaker 1:What do you mean like do for them?
Speaker 2:His overall responsibility is he's going to pay the bills. The lights got to be on the power, all that type of stuff, right, the general thing to take care of them. Little Timmy wants to play football. Okay, he wants a PlayStation 5, you know.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 2:And this dude, if he provides those things for him, you know, should he have some say in it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Should he have some say in it Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Well, let me just say this that's the point of having— he paid for football camp.
Speaker 1:Right? Well, only because Dad you know he swiped before, but Dad probably zelled in the money afterwards because Dad's going to make sure he gets paid.
Speaker 2:But what if you say hey, I don't want him to play football, I want him to play basketball?
Speaker 1:Well, you know, I mean— that now, because here's the thing, that's where you go to the legal standpoint. The decisions about what the child does and does not do, those type of decisions, those are made by biological parents. So he cannot make my son play football if I say he doesn't want to play, and so me and mom have to work that out.
Speaker 3:There is a parenting plan through the divorce and those things are hashed out. Hopefully you never need to go out and pull that piece of paper because we have conversations. At the end of the day again, we both want to see that child win.
Speaker 1:But I want to go back to what you're saying, z, because you're making a great point and I want to make sure I address that. I'm not going to tell this guy if my son raises up at you, you can't do what a man's supposed to do. If my daughter is being disrespectful towards her mom and she's, you know, getting an attitude and she's just being nasty with her mom, you can't. You know, I'm not telling him that. All I'm saying is look, bro, I come from a generation where my dad told everybody that he dropped me off with they have free reigns to beat my ass. I'm talking about my Boy Scout troop leader.
Speaker 2:I'm daddy. This man white, this man white.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm like this man white he beat different right, right, right.
Speaker 2:That's how it used to be, though you walk through a neighborhood and, miss jenkins, she could beat you, and that's where I grew up.
Speaker 1:But I'm gonna say how deep it got. Like I said, my dad told my boy scout troop leader that he could beat my ass. He told my high school baseball coach that I'm dropping him off with you. My dad told my college coach, if he gets out of line, you can beat his ass. And I'm looking at my dad like you can't beat my ass, no more, I'm saving to beat my ass. But I'm just saying like that's the mentality. So I just like I tell you, man, my parents believed in that roots type beatings, and I just don't. I don't want that for my kids because I fall for that scripture Like when it says parents, bring not your sons or daughters to wrath. Like you you're supposed to and I know that you're supposed to not. People say spare the rod, spoil the child. I don't believe that's a. Literally you got to beat them with anything. Because I'm telling you, man, that create to beat them with anything. Because I'm telling you, man, that create. I'm talking about my own self and things that I've had to.
Speaker 1:I got in more fights in college than I ever did in middle school, high school. I went to college fighting why? Because I got my ass beat all the way up until I was a certain age. So when I got to college it was just like you know, and I was in high school I was so afraid of my dad, you know, cause he would beat my like he would get, he would get down Right.
Speaker 1:And so when I got to college, right real quick, found out this is a whole nother thing, but I found out two days before my high school graduation. I was Like I go from, like this guy over here is beating me, like he wants me to play, I'm supposed to plow a field for him or something like I'm a rented mule. And then I'm like, wait a minute. But he didn't tell me I was adopted. So I went to college, I was angry and it's and it's my part of my own trauma that I have to deal with that. I just don't want to cross that line with my son and my kids. I have my kids think of me as somebody that just beats on them, especially when I live in Atlanta and I see them during breaks. I see them periodically.
Speaker 3:So basically, the bottom line is, when a step parent steps into your biological child's life, number one, you're blessed in the sense that the mother of your children is the right type of person, has the right mindset and puts the kids first, and so you don't have too much to worry about there, absolutely. Secondly, you want to be introduced to this person because you want to see who's going to be in your kid's life. Right, and that's fair. You know, I would. I would expect that to be kind of like the norm. And and thirdly, if there is to be any kind of punishment, there's a limit to what can be inflicted upon that child, anything beyond taking the phone away, tie mouth or anything like that. You need a phone call.
Speaker 1:Right, Because I mean I'm reasonable.
Speaker 3:I'll put it this way. So I got a little girl. She's nine. That's the only kid who could be in a situation where she'd have a step-parent. I'm kind of like Nick in that sense. Man, she's got a little mouth on her. She'll talk back, she'll challenge you or whatever. Very, very smart. Again, it's my oldest, 2.0. They're the same kid. So I look at that and I go yeah, I don't need you to beat on her, because punishment works For you to get to the point where you felt like you needed to pull a belt or whatever and physically harm her. Yeah, we're gonna, like you said, man, we're gonna problem. We have a big problem. That's me personally. I just need to say in it, I just need to know that you can't just decide, that you're gonna arbitrarily just decide you're gonna inflict punishment in a way that I would not agree with, right, because then that's gonna be an issue for me. What would you do about it? What?
Speaker 2:would I do about it?
Speaker 3:yeah, I don't know how about, I just say that on the show. So I have responsibilities, man. You know my responsibilities goes beyond my own personal safety or well-being. My responsibility is to my wife and to my children and, as a protector, I need to be able to do that and I will not be encumbered when it comes to handling business. All right.
Speaker 1:He had a moment there, man, he got, got, he was. He stuck in the matrix for a second.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, man, I kind of froze up there because I had to think about I'm a visual person. I started thinking about shit, so rapid fire questions are you dad or you just mom's husband?
Speaker 4:well, that's the son. I'll say that's the son. I always call my mom's husband the husband. Like some people be like you mean your stepdad. I'm like no, that's my mom's husband.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:Really yeah, but I think that's just something wrong with me.
Speaker 3:I kind of so let me ask you a question.
Speaker 4:Your situation is something wrong with me, so your situation is your mom's remarried? Yeah, Okay, you don't say my stepdad? No, I never said anything. How old were you when he came into your life? So I was grown like okay, my 20s.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, shit, that's my mom's husband too, bro.
Speaker 4:Like yeah, I feel weird saying anything with dad yeah I kind of get it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my stepdad was just dad period for me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you were again seven when he came into your life. Yeah, that's dad, how about making peace with not being in control? This question is for you mostly nick um, because you sure as hell ain't in control.
Speaker 4:It's a process.
Speaker 3:I think one day maybe but what are you doing about it? Like, okay, so one day, we know time for the most part heals all wounds, we know that you're gonna get there, but what are you actively doing to get there? After this conversation today, I know you had to be thinking about what do I do to get to this point. Because the more you prolong the beef or whatever it is, the more you give into it, the more you react, the more you prolong your own agony, right and inevitably and directly causing your own son to suffer.
Speaker 4:I'm not doing anything really Like well to be for her like. If she starts on, you know, the betting app Underdog, I'll just send her my Underdog link. It's just in the middle of an argument and then she stopped talking. But, like other things, like to accept what.
Speaker 3:What, what, what. I'm sorry.
Speaker 4:You know, like the gambling app Underdog. Sure gambling app underdog sure you know, you send a link to someone to sign up, you get a little 75 bonus. So when she's talking trash, I just send her that link so you send her some money. No, no, I send her the link to sign up so I could get some money. I don't get it so it's a troll thing I just troll her like go ahead sign up for that.
Speaker 2:So you know, so you'd be quiet so I can put some parlay.
Speaker 3:I was so lost, okay, go ahead, she don't sign up and she don't say anything. Be bothered listening to you. I was like what's going on? I was so lost.
Speaker 4:Okay, go ahead. She don't sign up and she don't say anything else. So I learned like maybe that's the trick.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, you got some work to do yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I do, I do. But what you said about the not having a control thing, I'm not doing anything about that.
Speaker 3:I feel like over. Accept it. What I'm telling you is that the secret actually is to not have reactions and to be okay with things. Everything's happening for you, not to you. Count to five and then say okay, what would 40 year old me do in this situation? Because, again, children are not blind. My biggest fear with raising my kids and the reason I kept fighting was because I wanted to prove something to them. I wanted them to see that I fought for them. I wanted my kids to know I didn't turn my back, I didn't give up on you, I didn't leave you, I fought for you. I wanted that to be the reality that they embrace, that they knew I didn't have to do any of that. They would have seen it from my actions, but I felt like I needed to prove something. I needed to be on record. I didn't need to do any of that shit, I just needed to let it go. And Last question If you can give advice to a new stepfather walking into those shoes, what advice would that?
Speaker 1:be. You know, man, I always appreciate these questions, man, when you get to this level, because, you know, it invokes a deep level of thought and a very careful analysis. And so what I would say is brand new stepfather, is that take it one day at a time. Same thing, I'll tell you, Nick, you know. Give yourself some grace. Take it one day at a time. Same thing, I'll tell you, nick, you know. Give yourself some grace. And as you're learning this child and you're developing a relationship with this child, make sure that you do it in a level that's comfortable with them. Try to take your ego out of it. Try to take your personal feelings and emotions out of it. You know, this is a little person that's still learning and growing and they're still taking in everything and, whether they say it or not, they're going to automatically look at you as an authority figure because you're older.
Speaker 1:It's not going to be linear, probably going to be some ups and downs but, just take your time and, over time, if you're consistent and your intentions are righteous and you show up for that child, that child will appreciate you and then it'll be. You'll get the reciprocation that it is that you as a man, the validation through reciprocation that you want, and I truly believe that yeah.
Speaker 3:I think the biggest reward for you later on as a man is what your father G has experienced, which is the acknowledgement from someone like you, who's grown into a man and just become your man of your own, has a family of your own, to look back at that man, who wasn't your biological dad, and say I also mentioned that person, that person was there for me, that was dad. I think that to me, that's the biggest reward. Steph, let me ask you this.
Speaker 2:Actually, let me ask Nick this how would you feel about a woman coming into your life and you starting to date somebody else? How would you allow them to interact with your child as a stepmom?
Speaker 3:Great question.
Speaker 2:Would that be an issue for your girl or his mother? I'm not sure how much say would you let her have over your house?
Speaker 4:I mean I think she should have like a voice, but I wouldn't want to step on nobody's toes. So if it's something like certain boundaries, like I got certain boundaries for the dude, that like makes sense. Like I want to like go against what she's saying.
Speaker 2:I get the impression that you're a reasonable person. You already said she's not reasonable. How much of her requirements are you willing to listen to?
Speaker 3:It's like he's in court because he remembers what you said about 45 minutes ago.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, he pulled the record on it.
Speaker 4:I honestly don't know how she would react.
Speaker 3:So it's a challenge also for the women coming in.
Speaker 4:I can tell you that what would the women have an issue with with another woman coming in?
Speaker 2:Hey, I need you to take my son to daycare for me? I got to go to work. Can you take him to daycare?
Speaker 1:I feel like that easier, bro. First of all, you think that men are territorial, bro. Yeah, women are territorial. It's not even about that trade-off. Yeah, that could make her life easier, but does that give her access to you? And it's that access to you that will like kind of like bother her what I've experienced. They want to make sure that you're cut off from that exit, you're cut off from that person. You're cut off from that exit, you're cut off from that person, you're cut off.
Speaker 3:You have to change earlier than your mind is ready for is what we're saying. That's what advice is about. That's why the experience we have the experience and we're telling you look, you'll eventually get there right, but you might get there at 34. You might get there at 35. We're saving you seven years.
Speaker 2:It's going to be painful. I'm not saying that this is going to go smooth and you're not going to. You're not going to feel anything with it. It's going to be painful. But allowing a woman to weaponize your kids against you, you're going to lose more time, more money. You can lose a little bit right now, but you're going to lose more if you allow it to keep up.
Speaker 1:But gee, what's the trade-off, though? Because I mean, like what you're saying, it feeds me and it helps me, but aren't the children suffering for that?
Speaker 4:Yes, I mean, isn't that times you can't get?
Speaker 1:back. Yes yes, so what's the balance?
Speaker 2:This is chess, all right. He's the king In order for the game to keep going the king has to be able to function. The king has to be able to keep going Right. You know, for all the other pieces, for the entire kingdom to function, the king has to be OK.
Speaker 3:You pretty much said was a trade off. The trade off is this is time you don't get back. It's a great question, right, and that was my concern. That's what I'm saying. That was my biggest concern, and if I can go back and I would do it again and there was a crazy condition that was presented to me in order for me to see my kids I will say no, I can't do that.
Speaker 1:Okay. So let me go back G, because what you said now you know you put your context to it. I actually like what you said in that you have to be your optimal self. You can't be a good dad if you're scrambling and you're upset and you're emotional and you're all over the place. You're doing a disservice to your kids because when you're with your kids you're saying and like protecting your inner peace and having your stability. That makes a lot of sense. But I think you know, when we have children there's an unwritten rule that we have signed a contract. That means that we now are going to do things that we normally probably wouldn't do in the first place.
Speaker 2:You make sacrifices, so, so so.
Speaker 1:Right, right, you're gonna make sacrifices. So, for example, like and like I said, it's not my situation, but I can just see, like in other situations, like where other you know women have kids and I observed them and their father, their children, I would have never spent two minutes with this woman beyond, like you know, if I was this guy, except for the fact he has to kind of like, he has to acquiesce, he has to bend the knee because that relationship with his children is more important than you know, him feeling like you know, I'm not going to go along with whatever she says. And then, on the opposite end, I've seen, I have a friend of mine that said as long as I make this child support payment every month, that's all I'm required to do. His son now is wild and wide open. His daughter is jumping out of windows and sneaking out. Wild and wide open, his daughter is jumping out of windows and sneaking out. I mean, they're 18, 19, 20. And his son doesn't have any direction.
Speaker 1:Because I was telling him man bro, you have a whole lot more responsibility than just sending that check here. You've got to spend time. So now he's trying to go at 20 and reprogram all this stuff that's been going on. And there have been other men around. There have been loser, no good trashy dudes that have been around that have programmed his son and programmed his daughter. They've seen all this stuff.
Speaker 1:For example, you know, his daughter has seen her mom be in an abusive relationship, those types of things. But now you know God has blessed him and it's so funny. Like man, he has three kids, from like seven all the way down to like two years old, and now they're in the house with him. He's getting an opportunity to be dad every day. And he comes back he told me, said brother, you know what? You're right, man. It made a difference. I can see the difference it makes now that I'm here in the home with my kids every day, as opposed to me just sending a child support check and you know not not being there and you know not not being there.
Speaker 2:I'm not advocating that you just send a check and you don't interact with them at all after that. Yeah, I'm saying that you do what you're required to do by law, but sitting there and slugging it out with a woman that's clearly trying to manipulate you is not going to be good for you long term.
Speaker 3:I mean, sending a check is not parenting. Sending a check is just facing a legal responsibility. But again, when you step in as a parent, you step in as a parent. Basically, you have to do what you have to do, pull the pin on the grenade.
Speaker 3:take everybody in the guy I'm going to find the sound effect just for you, man, just to make sure we have this explosion every time you say that. Guys, this was a great conversation. I think it was very insightful. I think we all got something from it. So earlier today, with the coin toss and gee, you get to be. Who are you gonna be again? I'll try, bernie mack, bernie mack.
Speaker 2:Well, go ahead and take us out, bro. Hey, man, just be you. Lord, have mercy. Please support us by following the show. Leave us a five-star review on apple podcast. Thank you so much for listening, you sum of bitches. We'll catch you next week when we share conversations surrounding real issues we deal with every day manhood matters. We're out, you sum of bitches.
